(Every story needs a) PROLOGUE
“Ugh, where am I?” Generic asked, rubbing his head and looking around. “Oh, I can tell just by these particular trees and foliage I am currently in the Everfree Forest,” he said, recognizing a few particular trees and foliage. “But how did I get here?”
He then tried to teleport and found he lacked the ability to do so. For some raisin, his magic wasn’t not working. Typos aside, he decided he would have to walk back to his home of Canterlot. But before he could do so…UNESSECARY INFO DUMP.
Generic the red and black alicorn stallion was once an angsty teenage brony from the human world. After his parents killed him, he woke up in the Everfree Forest with no memory of his tragic past. Naturally, like all humans turned pony, he possessed magic and abilities far superior to the natives of Equestria. And also, mares flocked to him because of his overwhelming charisma. In his first epic adventure, he found out his brother, Antagonist, who at no point had been human, was trying to kill him using bat ponies and changelings. Generic saved Ponyville from the threats that followed him while simultaneously uncovering the truth about his past. Normally where there would be a break in the paragraph, there was not, because in his second adventure, he found out Antagonist was still alive. At some point before story two and after story one, he’d fought his brother and killed him to death. But for some raisin, he wasn’t dead. Impersonating his lover, Princess Celestia, Antagonist nearly killed Generic, and would have, if not for Generic being more awesome than his brother. Generic then let his brother live only to kill him forty-seven chapters later; the act of which only took two paragraphs. With Equestria safe once more, he rested soundly…until this story.
END CHAPTER ONE
Generic, the red and black alicorn stallion, trotted out of the Everfree and into Ponyville. Generic, the red and black alicorn stallion, looked around Ponyville, failing to find anypony. Generic, the red and black alicorn stallion, was beginning to wonder if he, Generic, the red and black alicorn stallion, was the only remaining pony. Generic, the red and black alicorn stallion got his answer when he saw another pony. That pony was looking at him, Generic, the red and black alicorn stallion.
“Who are you?” Generic shouted. The pony approached him and he saw it was another alicorn. She was white and blue with a long, flowing, rainbow mane. Her cutie mark was a quill and paper. “My name is Generica,” the white and blue alicorn mare replied, forgetting she should start a new paragraph when she spoke.
Sexual tension was quickly established as they blushed and looked away from each other. As they stood in the center of Ponyville, dumping all of their back story on each other, a dark and mysterious figure watched them from the roof tops.
“Get down!” Generica shouted, diving onto Generic and making sure she landed firmly between all of his legs. A huge explosion rocked Ponyville, sending dust and debris everywhere. When the two alicorns opened their eyes, of course they were muzzle to muzzle in a very intimate position. As a sensible narrator, I’m going to leave out the part of Generica feeling a certain part of Generic pushing against her.
The alicorns jumped back up in time to see the mysterious figure disappear. “Who the f*** was that?” Generic asked, feeling the need to swear. “They f***ing almost killed us! Seriously, what the f***?!”
“Your use of the word f*** turns me on immensely,” Generica said, blushing.
“I’m going to bottle up my feelings for you for now, but we most certainly do things later,” Generic replied, pushing her away. Generica bit her lower lip, knowing full well she would be betraying him later.
“We should get going,” Generica said. “I sense a cliché coming.”
END CHAPTER 2
Generic and Generica made it to Canter Lot.
END CHAPTER III
“Oh, Generic!” Twilight Sparkle, the purple alicorn mare, shouted upon seeing her husband walking into Canterlot. She then planted a kiss on Generic’s lips and he held her tight.
“This is only going to make me try harder to get your love,” Generica said, barely above a whisper.
Generic’s other wives trotted out to greet him. It was instantly made aware something wasn’t quiet right with the situation. For starters, it was too quite. Way too quite. Quiet frankly, Canterlot should be anything but quite for their leader’s return.
“We have missed you so much,” Apple Jack said without the slightest hint of an accent. “Where in the f*** have you been?”
Somehow, Generic failed to pick up on the discrepancies and replied, “This is Generica. She rescued me from Ponyville. She says she has a way to restore my magic!”
Generic’s wives all became excited at this news, despite not knowing he’d lost his magic in the first place. There was then a poorly executed scene transition which resulted in Generic waking up in what he instantly knew was a coffin.
“I’ve been buried alive!” he shouted, pawing weakly at the wood. Without his magic, he knew he would die a slow and agonizing death.
End Part Four
Generic counted away the minutes, trying to accurately judge how much oxygen he had left. His confines creaked as the pressure of the dirt above bore down on it. Moisture was beginning to pool inside the wooden coffin and he could tell it had begun to rain on the surface above. Visions of his wives flashed before his eyes, and he hoped he’d get just one more chance to tell them he loved them.
His eyes had adjusted to the darkness and he could see cracks forming in the boards of his coffin. Dirty water began dripping onto his forehead until it became a steady stream. The cold water collected in the bottom and slowly started rising up his body. He would drown, and he knew it.
As the water reached his neck, he filled his lungs and held his breath. He clamped his eyes shut as the dirty water finally filled the coffin. His useless horn was the only thing above the water, and it continued scratching at the boards above.
(At this point, even the editor gave up trying to fix the mess that was A Generic Story 3.)
And then Generic could cast magic again, because the coffin just happened to be made out of a very particular wood, which, when rubbed against his horn, temporarily reversed the curse that had been afflicted on him. Seconds from drowning, he teleported to the ground above. He laid wheezing and gasping in the mud and looked up at his own tombstone.
“Here lies Generic. He is dead,” Generic read from the tombstone. “Who can have done this?” But he knew; it was Generica.
He looked around the graveyard and saw the tomb of Celestia. He’d erected it at some point after her death in memory of her death. Having suffered no actual injuries, he limped over to the statue and leaned his back against it. Lightning crashed against the sky and torrents of freezing cold rain poured down on his mud covered body. His red and black mane was a matted mess and he let it droop over his eyes. Celestia loomed over him and he could swear he heard her soothing voice coming through the pitter patter of raindrops against the mud.
“The answer lies within,” her voice whispered. Generic stood up and fell back down. His strength had been completely drained from the effort it took to teleport. It was like he’d used all his magic up in that one spell. He tried casting another spell, but only a spark fell from his horn. THE CURSE WAS STILL CURSING HIM.
CHAPTER 5
Again he heard her voice, this time in italics. “The answer lies within,” she whispered.
“I don’t know what that means!” he shouted angrily at the statue. Still she repeated the phrase. “Tell me what to do!” Generic shouted.
A bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, and struck the statue of Celestia’s horn. It caused the statue to explode with the force of an explosion. Generic was thrown back against his own tombstone and let out a yell.
“Ow!” Generic yelled. When he looked up, he saw what she had meant. The answer that had been within…was guns. Fully automatic firearms from the human world had been stashed inside the tombstone. With no magic, Generic knew the guns were his only hope.
Page-break-page-break-page-break-page-break
Generica sat upon the Canterlot throne as hundreds of slave ponies brought her offerings. Her right-hoof pony, Proper Noun, stood on her right. It is implied he was the one from Ponyville in chapter 2 that attacked her and Generic.
The real mane six were locked up in a chamber beneath the castle, and despite Twilight being an alicorn, they were completely unable to escape their confines. The fake mane six stood in front of Generica’s throne as her personal guards even though they would not be mentioned later.
“Now that Generic is dead, I can fulfill the prophecy!” Generica laughed madly. She removed a vial of red mist from nowhere specifically mentioned, and looked at it. The vial contained Generic’s very essence; all of his power and might. “For no apparent reason, I will now state how I came to possess this vial!”
“Please do,” Proper Noun said.
“I came to Canterlot months ago and…” she trailed off after not knowing what exactly she’d done. She then proceeded to ramble for three and half pages about drugging Generic and throwing him into the Everfree Forest. She wasn’t entirely clear why she’d traveled with him back to Canterlot, or why she chose to bury him.
Meanwhile, outside Canterlot, the zombie hordes of Equestria trudged around mindlessly. Releasing the virus had been part of Generica’s plan all along, and somehow helped her attain her goal. With all hopes looking grim, Equestria needed a hero.
A Red Letter Day
“I appreciate you're help,” Generic said as he hung out the side of the Tardis. Doctor Whooves and Derpy looked at him with concern, knowing this may be the last time they saw they're companion.
“Your Highness, please be careful,” Time Turner said as the Tardis flew over the zombie hordes.
“Doc, if I don’t make it out of this, promise me you’ll go back in time and make it so I do make it out of this,” Generic said, manly tears welling up in his eyes.
“I will,” replied the human Doctor Who, David Tenant. An anthro Derpy gave Generic a kiss and started crying.
“I’m pregnant with you're child,” she sobbed.
Generic lifted her chin with his hoof and smiled. “Well, it looks like this time…” he lowered his sunglasses, “we both don’t know what went wrong.”
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!
Generic jumped from the Tardis and pulled his parachute chord, which made a low G flat (music pun). He then pulled his parachute cord and drifted to the streets of Canterlot. He then took an AK47 off his back and held it in the magic aura he wasn’t supposed to have. Several zombies approached him and he levitated his gun to aim at them. Bullets came out of the gun and made the zombies dead.
As he ran through the streets, he began to feel an odd pain in his chest; one that indicated he was hiding something deep inside. He fell to his hooves and watched as holes formed in his forearms. His glorious fire-red and coal-black fur began to turn all pitch-black.
His repressed changeling heritage came through, somehow making him more capable of taking on the challenges he faced. “This explains everything,” he said, looking at his insect-like body. “Now that I have wings, I can fly to the castle faster,” he said, flapping the insect-like wings that had replaced his fully functioning alicorn wings.
The tense is now in present tense, because Generic is serious now. He’s flying through the air when suddenly bat ponies swoop down from the sky. He avoids them narrowly and turns to fire his AK47 at them. The bullets meet two of their marks, sending them spiraling to the ground. Generic reloads and performs a poorly described acrobatic maneuver that results in the bat ponies colliding with the clock tower.
Returning to past tense, Generic crashed through the citadel’s glass ceiling in time to see Generica at the altar with Twilight Sparkle.
“I object!” Generic shouted, transforming back into himself. But he was too late, for as soon as Generica and Twilight kissed, the prophecy was complete! Dark clouds gathered over Canterlot and Generica started trembling. Her blue and white fur gave way to darker, more awesome colors. Generic watched in horror as Generica transformed into his evil twin brother Antagonist.
“I live again!” he shouted. He then went on to explain things the reader should have been informed of several chapters ago. Several key plot points still remained filled with holes, but that didn’t deter Generic.
“(Attempt at a clever insult)!” Generic shouted at his brother. The evil alicorn fumed with anger and flew at his brother. They tumbled on the floor of the throne room, biting and snapping at each other. As they fought, the wall of the warehouse burst open. Several changelings flew into the train station. After several more continuity errors, the citadel was full of changelings.
Neither Generic nor Antagonist dared to move as the insect-like creatures stared. Generic felt himself having more internal pain, and transformed back into his changeling self.
“Our King!” the changelings all shouted in unison, recognizing Generic as their long lost ruler.
“It can’t be!” Antagonist shouted. But it was.
The changeling army swarmed over Antagonist, but he blasted them away with a force field. He then stood up and held a knife to Twilight’s neck.
“Put the gun down!” Generic shouted, but his brother only pushed the continuity error further into Twilight’s flesh.
“After what you’ve taken from me, it’s only fair I take something from you!” Antagonist shouted. “Aside from this of course,” Antagonist laughed, reaching for the vial containing Generic’s essence. Where it was supposed to be, it was not.
“Your Highness! Catch!” Proper Noun shouted, tossing the vial through the air.
“I am glad you were really an ally to me and not him,” Generic said, catching the vial.
“You traitor!”
“Hurry Your Highness!”
“Okay!”
“Please, Generic, help me!”
“I will!”
“No you won’t!”
With the four sided conversation over with and the reader thoroughly confused, Generic uncorked the vial and went to drink the liquid (vapors?) inside.
“Do you really want to do that?” Antagonist asked. “There’s only one cure for the zombie outbreak…and it’s currently in your hooves.”
Generic stared at the vial and had a brief internal struggle about self sacrifice. Deciding, like every hero, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, he corked the vial and tucked it into the pocket of the steampunk jacket he’d been wearing the entire story.
“Good, now swear fealty to me, and I’ll let this all slide,” Antagonist said, still squeezing Rarity. Generic looked to his continuity error of a wife with sad eyes.
Slowly, he and all the changelings bowed before Antagonist.
CHAPTER 287
“Celestia-F***Ing-DammIt!” Generic shouted, banging his fist (change to hoof) against the iron bars. His wives all looked to him with worry. They sat in the dungeon in prison cells after Antagonist threw them there. For some raisin (reason), there was only the one cell that contained all of them. The changelings, no longer important at this point, simply weren’t mentioned.
“I’m sorry, I, I thought you were dead,” the purple alicorn mare known as Twilight Sparkle wept into her beloved’s muscular, red and black chest. “And that is why I chose to marry Generica.”
That was the last step to the prophecy; marrying one of pure heart! Generic shouted without the use of quotation marks.
“This is the worst…POSSSIBLE…THING!” Rarity shouted, pulling her dramatic couch from nowhere.
“Don’t worry now, Sugar Cube, Ah’m sure Generic is gonna git us outta this here mess,” AppleJack said.
“And I’ll help! Okie Dokie Loki?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“M-m-m-me t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-too,” Fluttershy stuttered uncontrollably.
The rest of them all turned to the cyan pegasus with the rainbow mane. “20% cooler in ten seconds flat,” the cyan pegasus with the rainbow mane said.
“I have missed all you characters so much!” Generic shouted. He then satisfied every member of the mane six on Rarity’s drama couch.
[Cutaway to maintain teen rating]
Antagonist sat upon his throne, overlooking the zombie hoards that were ravaging Equestria. He took out the vial of Generic’s essence and looked at the mists swirling inside.
“ANTAGONIST!” a voice shouted from across the throne room. Antagonist looked up and saw his brother standing at the opposite end with his six wives.
“How did you get out of the cell?!” Antagonist asked, in complete, utter, unequivocal, pure disbelief.
“You forgot one thing,” Generic said, “I’m the main character.” And with that phrase, Generic’s eyes exploded with white light and he floated into the air. The same thing that was just described happened to the mane six as well. A crown of diamonds and other jewels descended from the clouds and landed atop Generic’s head.
Because no other character should know about such a thing, Luna showed up and explained in her Royal Canterlot Speaking Voice, “THOU ISTH THE SEVENTH ELEMENT OF HARMONY! THE ELEMENT OF AWESOMENESS!”
“This makes even more sense than me being the Changeling King!” generic shouted, forgetting to capitalize his name.
“It can’t be!” Antagonist said without the addition of any adjectives.
“Silence, Antagonist!” Generic shouted. “There’s only one way you could even come close to being an even match for me, and that would be if you were the 8th Element of Harmony. But seriously, what are the—”
Antagonist’s eyes exploded with black light and he ascended into the air. “THOU HATH AWOKEN THE EIGHTH ELEMENT OF HARMONY! THE ELEMENT OF EEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL!” the dark purple alicorn princess shouted in the royal Canterlot speaking voice.
The most evenly matched fight in the history of Equestria then played out under a crimson sky to Drowning Pool’s Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Let the bodies hit the FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!
The Crown of Awesomeness restored Generic’s ability to cast magic and he sent barrage after barrage of planet sized energy blasts at his brother. Antagonist, wielding the Staff of Evil the narrator forgot to mention, easily deflected the blasts. The mane six chose to stay out of the fight because it’s hard to write anything other than one versus one.
POWER STRUGGLE. Generic and Antagonist locked hooves with each other as electricity crackled all around their bodies. They glared at each other and began screaming to power up their ultimate attacks. A red aura enveloped them and they soared into outer space.
Even without oxygen, Antagonist managed to ask, “You think you can defeat me?!”
Generic broke eye contact and looked down at the Earth. He then had a sentimental moment where he realized if they continued to fight, Equestria would be destroyed.
“We are to evenly matched. Their is only 1 way to seddle this,” Generic then said with enough grammar and spelling errors to stop any sensible person from reading further.
Then, Generic, the red and black alicorn and seventh Element of Harmony you’ve been reading about for the past 286 chapters, flew him and his brother into the sun. Antagonist screamed as he burned to death, but Generic was all cool about it and didn’t cry or nothing. He then took the vial containing his essence out of his pocket, (even though it was stated Antagonist had taken it earlier) and uncorked it. As the vapors swirled into the sun, it absorbed his magic. The sun, now imbued with his magic, shone red and cured all the zombie ponies in Equestria, because that’s how that works.
The mane six watched from the destroyed Canterlot Castle as Equestria was returned to complete normalcy. They cried, because they knew what had been done so they may continue to live.
A single red and black alicorn feather drifted from the sky and landed atop of a beautiful flower that was growing in the middle of the Everfree Forest. That flower was Poison Joke.
THE END?
Author's Note
I think I got them all.
1:Monologueing
2:Recognizing your surroundings off of minute details
3:Redundant descriptions
4:Typos
5:Info dumps
6:Short chapters
7:Padding
8:Generic allicorn mare
9:Not starting new paragraphs when a different character speaks
10:Obvious love interests
11:Dumping back stories
12:Swearing
13:Other characters finding swears arousing or amusing
14:Telling not showing
I'll let you readers post the rest you find, and be sure to tell me any I've missed.
