“What in tarnation are you doin'?!” Applejack asked.
It was rude, but she had no patience left. The overnight rain had been heavier than Applejack expected. The country roads had turned into a thick, disgusting stew of mud and debris that forced her to wade through it to get to town. Then one whole bushel tipped over in the process of getting a wheel unstuck, which cracked and broke before it was freed. Fixing the wheel was a major pain, but it was unavoidable. Hosing off the apples seemed a much smaller nuisance by comparison, until Apple Bloom chose that moment to go see her friends.
Even after seeing her little sister's wide, pleading eyes, Applejack would have said no, if Pinkie Pie hadn't come out to help her instead. She'd already agreed to let Apple Bloom off the hook, during the business end of the delivery, so running off earlier was negotiable, though annoying.
Then it turned out the payment would be delayed. There was some sob story involving the twins, which was understandable, but it included some previous arrangement with Granny Smith that no pony had bothered to tell her about. Applejack could have been more sympathetic towards Pinkie Pie, who was just the messenger and as confused as she was, but by then Applejack was doing her best not to yell.
Head hung low, she stepped out of Sugar Cube Corner's kitchen with a heavy sigh. All she wanted to do was go home, now that her cart was empty, but that seemed like an impossibility as soon as she looked up. Stomping her hoof and snorting wildly was nothing compared to her fiercely quelled desire to kick the whole darned thing over!
There was no mistaking it though. The exact same position she'd left it in, and nothing else comparable in sight. It had to be the Apple family cart.
In the span of thirty minutes or so, chaos had descended on it.
Discord was draped across a garishly ornate and open vis-à-vis style carriage with a hideous color scheme of moldy gold, blazing magenta, and olive green. His long stomach dipped into the middle while his mismatched limbs dangled off the sides. He rested his head on the cushioned driver's seat, and though his ears twitched in recognition, he barely moved to meet her gaze. Applejack planted her front hooves on the edge as she reared up to glare at him.
He let out a sigh comparable to her own.
“I?” he asked. “I... am merely contemplating how no pony ever seeks me out, and it 's left me in the strangest of places.”
“Yeah! In mah cart! Get your shaggy flank out and turn it back to normal! Ain't nothin' I can do with this highfalutin thang!”
Discord scowled ferociously for a split second, then blinked and glanced down at his perch, as if seeing it for the first time.
“Oh? Your cart, is it?”
Applejack grit her teeth, waiting for things to get worse. Discord remained where he was, but lifted his head, peering off into the distance.
“I thought it was abandoned,” he said.
“You gotta be kiddin' me. I wasn't inside for that long!”
“Time doesn't matter when you're in a back alley, and it was a mess when I found it.”
Applejack almost crossed her eyes in fury.
“I hosed it down!” she said. “And it might be old, but that there cart has held up for three generations! Far as Goldie knew... Anyway, it's fitter than a fiddle, so if ya don't mind, I ain't got all day.”
Discord gripped the sides of the carriage and leapt over Applejack, causing her to stumble back in surprise. In one fluid motion, he landed on his front paws, and then curled up as elegantly as the proudest cat. His expression was just as dismissive when he snapped his talons together. Applejack huffed, until she turned to see the restored cart. The old wooden planks, creaky axle, and hastily repaired spokes had returned, just as she'd left them.
“I suppose I should have found a sulky to sulk in,” he muttered.
Applejack pushed her hat up off her forehead, shoulders tense. She trusted Discord as far as she could throw him, and this had been the most uncomplicated reversal she'd ever seen. Where was the catch?
“What are you doin' here anyway? Pinkie's all set for peelin' up a load of apples, but she's inside, if that's what you're after.”
Discord stood up, stuck his snout in the air, and placed a monocle on one eye as he glanced at her.
“Maybe. Why do you want to know? You don't even care about my dilemma, do you?” he asked. “Can't you see I miss my little pony friends very much and I'm burdened by the very idea that they don't seem to be missing me? No, wait, sad. Yes, very sad. And to think! I was all set to be glad when I finally ran into you today! Now look what you've done. I'm still sad.”
Applejack stared at the teary look in his eyes. This was probably one of the strangest conversations she'd ever had with him, and he was pretty weird. In the end, she decided to take the bait.
“Are you tellin' me you're havin' a serious issue with this? Doesn't Fluttershy pal around with you enough? Or whatever you'd call it. And just last week you managed to put a smile on Rarity and Twilight's faces by helpin' 'em at the ruins. Just show up! It'll work itself out.”
His posture drooped, before he tried to hide it by floating up into a sitting position, with his elbows on his knees. He wiped his monocle off with a handkerchief that he pulled out of nowhere.
“I'm hard to find, I realize,” he said. “Or not. It depends on where I am, doesn't it? And to think, it used to be my best feature!”
Discord paused to look at her hopefully. Applejack wondered if he was pulling her leg. When she said nothing, he continued.
“As you can guess, that makes it easier for me to ask my friends if they want to hang out, but not the other way around. So, what do you do about this sort of thing?”
Applejack felt like killing herself. Somehow, a contemplative and somber Discord was more irritating than the chaos machine that he'd been or the idle prankster that he'd become since his reformation. She rubbed her temple.
“Land sakes! Every pony knows where I live; includin' you!” she said. “If they don't, all they gotta do is ask some pony! Or they can go to the market... I'm there like clockwork and I don't travel out of town that often.”
Discord stroked his beard, staring at her uncertainly.
“A permanent address? I can't really do that.”
“Do what now?” she asked.
“Permanence.”
Applejack decided it was time to leave. He had to be taunting her. That was the only thing that made an ounce of sense! She calmly pulled on her cart halter and trotted off without another word. Then, to Applejack's dismay, her load abruptly got a lot heavier once she was out of the alley and in the street proper. The reason soon presented itself as Discord arched his neck over her, looking at her upside down as she strained against the additional weight.
“Get out of mah cart!” Applejack said. “I done told you once and I ain't tellin' you again!”
Everything came to an abrupt halt as she found herself plowing snout-first into the street. She sputtered as she pulled herself back up onto her hooves and glanced over her withers. Discord had turned it into a long, flat piece of wood that was now firmly wedged into the dirt on the same end the halter was connected. There weren't even wheels anymore, so trying to drag it would be a major pain. It looked oddly familiar too, with square decorative carvings, though she couldn't immediately figure out why, and as far as pranks went, this seemed oddly lackluster for Discord. There had to be a catch.
“That ain't...! What?” she asked.
Discord had lifted himself up into the air and pulled a large section of the wood up by a brass knob that appeared as he moved. The hinges creaked as he peered through the abruptly revealed framework around what was now clearly a door. He made an exaggerated gasp as he let go, putting both his paws up to his cheeks in mocking bewilderment while the door slammed shut.
“Looks like no one's home! What a tragedy!” he said.
Applejack knew better, but she couldn't stop herself from growling at him.
“Why can't you leave me alone? I didn't ask for this!”
Then she sighed as she realized that her anger wasn't helping anything.
“Will ya go away if I say I'm sorry? I mean it, I just... I can't deal with this right now.”
Discord ignored her halfhearted attempt and coiled himself atop the closed door, unmoving and indignant.
“You can't leave until I get a practical solution! I heard you're good at that! Practicality... Not something I have much experience with, but I'm sure I'll recognize it when I come across it.”
Applejack slumped and sat down, feeling defeated. Great. As she wondered why the world was against her that day, another thought came to mind. At least she could try to benefit from his meddling, if he wasn't just being obstinate for kicks.
“I'll only help you on one condition,” she said.
Discord became openly attentive and not at all put out by her proposition.
“Yeeesss?”
“You'll give me back mah cart and you'll fix the country roads! They're a menace to all good upstandin' pony folk right about now.”
Discord arched his eyebrows and frowned.
“Wouldn't that be two conditions?” he asked. “Oh, why am I even asking? Ha ha! Yes, yes. I'll give you your cart and your nice little roads, as long as I get some answers!”
His prompt agreement was a bad sign, but she was ready to accept anything he could throw at her, if it meant he would just go away. She could handle soap roads or ice or whatever. At least then maybe she wouldn't keep tryin' to prove that confounded mud was normal and safe, like she had that morning.
“Okay... You don't want no place of residence, right?” she asked.
Discord wagged a single talon at her.
“Nothing permanent, anyway,” Discord said. “And there's that spell you girls have, but I hate it. Moving on!”
Applejack was glad she was always wearing her ponderin' hat. That lack of a physical address and a routine really did make the whole thing a lot more difficult, since knowing how to contact him was a major factor in getting his attention. Discord seemed to grow bored the longer she thought.
He began slowly swinging up and down on the door, like it was a seesaw. Applejack simply watched him for awhile, mesmerized, before she abruptly found herself sitting on the other end of an actual seesaw with him.
“Whoa!”
She clung to the hoof-bar, and blinked when he glared at her.
“Come on! Haven't you ever used one of these before?” he asked. “Uuuupsy daisy!”
Applejack grumbled, and halfheartedly kicked her feet into the dirt. To her amazement, she managed to propel herself into the air. He must have made himself weight the same as she did, or else he'd made himself a lot heavier, out of spite, when she tried pulling him in her cart. Maybe both.
Up in the air, she realized there was a small crowd surrounding them, and her face felt hot with shame. She must have looked a right foal, playing with Discord. Better ignore them and get this over with.
“Why you always gotta play around?” Applejack asked. “Don't you take nothin' serious?”
Discord cackled.
“Only when I must! Or when I feel like it. What's wrong?” he asked. “All work and no play makes Applejack a dull girl!”
“Wheeee!”
Pinkie Pie hopped into the middle of the seesaw and began balancing as she slid from hoof-bar to hoof-bar, doing her best not to fall off. Applejack gaped and chided her.
“That ain't safe! Come on down from there!”
“Who needs safe when you have chaos?!” Discord asked.
Pinkie stuck out her tongue at both of them, but soon joined Applejack on her end. It was awkward, making room for both. They had to sit side-saddle, but luckily Pinkie was good at coordinating her kicks in time with Applejack's. Somehow, the amount of effort needed to push off remained the same, even though Discord had shifted so that his hind paws were resting on the hoof-bar and his tail was propelling him upward instead.
“Yay! I'm glad you're here!” Pinkie said. “I wanted to ask you something!”
Applejack glanced at Discord, who looked flattered.
“Me too!” he said.
Applejack sighed. At least Pinkie had eased some of the ire building up between them with her boundless enthusiasm. All of them got mad at Discord eventually, it was just Applejack's bad luck to run into him when she was already furious.
“Ooh, ooh, you go first!” Pinkie said. “I can wait!”
Discord clasped his mismatched paws to his chest, elated.
“How would you find me otherwise?” he asked. “I'm being sincere; I need to know! No one else is any good at it.”
Applejack slumped forward, bringing her hat down over her face, finally feeling ashamed for lashing out at him. There was quite a bit of silence and when Applejack pushed it out of the way again, she saw why. Pinkie Pie had put a hoof to her chin and was pondering deeply. This should be good, it usually was whenever Pinkie put in the effort, but Applejack had a feeling her friend didn't know any more than she did.
“Huh, weeellll... I would just find you! I mean, I'd look high and low, and then high and low again. And somewhere in the middle. And over and yonder! Then I'd stop looking, when I found you. Like now.”
Discord was openly disappointed. What else did he expect from Pinkie?
“You done asked me for advice first!” Applejack said. “Do you wanna hear it or not?”
Pinkie removed her hooves to clap them on top of the hoof-bar and cheer. She subsequently fell off when their end of the seesaw fell down abruptly and with considerable force. Applejack tightened her grip and glared, but Discord had already disappeared from the other end. A minute later, her cart was back, and Discord was relaxing in the seat, with her and Pinkie on either side of him. Pinkie wiped some dirt off her flank and grinned, to show there was no harm done.
“I'm ready for your pearls of wisdom!” he said.
“Like pearls before swine,” Applejack muttered.
That got her a little piglet, which appeared in her arms. He promptly squealed with surprise and squirmed to break free. Startled, Applejack let go, gaping as he jumped down and ran off. She quickly gave Discord a bemused look.
“Yeah... anyway... You don't like nothin' routine, ya don't like callin' no place home for long, and ya love tauntin' ponies by showin' up out o' nowhere. I don't think you want to be found!”
He was crestfallen, though Applejack refused to believe it. Even if he was, that was his fault for not facing the truth sooner. Pinkie Pie patted his side and frowned at Applejack.
“Awww, c'mon, AJ! I think he's trying. Fluttershy says it isn't easy for him and he's asking for our help! We can do better than that!”
Applejack sighed at Pinkie's plea and nodded.
“All right, all right. Listen, if you're sure you want to be found, at least by folks in Ponyville, all you gotta do is make it a habit of droppin' in more than once in awhile,” Applejack said. “Or figure out how to harness dragon breath. Spike covers the distance, but I never asked if he just sends 'em to Canterlot or if he's got a bead on Princess Celestia, where ever she is.”
Discord's face lit up, quite literally. There was a halo of light around his head as he grinned. It was so bright that Applejack had to squint, as she held a hoof over her eyes, before she had to look away.
“Yes! Yes! That's perfect! Although... Hrmm, not him. My correspondence is too important to be left in the claws of a baby dragon,” Discord said. “I'll ask Fluttershy! She'll be delighted! All of my friends can be reassured if they miss me while I'm gone...”
He paused to glare at Applejack and his entire demeanor turned dark, as if a shadow had fallen over him. It was quickly replaced with another silly, though much less radiant smile than the one before it.
“Then I won't feel like no one ever takes the time to think of me!” he added.
Applejack gulped as he stood up and she flailed at the idea of poor Fluttershy spitting out dragon fire.
“Whoa nelly! Ain't that a bit much to ask of 'er? Even if she didn't wanna, which I guarantee she won't, she'd never have the heart to tell ya no! Not to somethin' this big.”
Discord pouted. “Well, what do you propose I do? Heaven forbid that your little dragon get our letters mixed up. How old is he? Twelve? He's barely out of his eggshell! And Celestia would kill me if I ended up reading something meant for her, accident or not.”
Pinkie waved her hoof in the air to get their attention.
“Ooh, ooh! Pick me, pick me! I'm not afraid of burping up letters! And I'm not quite as busy as Fluttershy is. I can always ask her later if she'd rather do it instead, and then she won't feel like she was put on the spot or anything! I hope,” Pinkie said.
Discord picked her up and twirled around for a moment.
“Wonderful! You'll be my first messenger of chaos!”
Applejack really didn't like the sound of that, but Pinkie giggled and didn't seem put out at all, so it was probably fine. After all, Pinkie Pie was one of the best at judging mostly harmless chaos and she would never let him get away with anything genuinely hurtful.
Seconds later, Pinkie belched and a bright blue magical flame came out as she lifted her hoof to politely cover her mouth. At the same time, a small scroll popped out and landed in front of Applejack. She stared for a moment, then picked it up, removing the wax seal, which had a stylized version of Discord's head stamped into it.
“'Scuse me!” Pinkie said.
There was only one word written on the short length of paper. Testing.
Discord cackled loudly and set Pinkie down, before a burst of light put him on top of the Sugar Cube Corner roof. Applejack stared at her sheepish friend and could only shake her head in amazement at this turn of events.
When she looked up at the rooftops, Discord was gone. “Hey, wait! You promised!”
Applejack felt like throwing her hat to the ground and stomping on it.
“Dag nabbit! I should o' known not to trust that liar!”
In the blink of an eye, she and Pinkie, cart and all, found themselves wobbling back and forth, precariously perched atop the middle of a barn roof. Apple orchards spread to the horizon and there was the familiar country smell of manure lingering about. Granny Smith glanced up from feeding the chickens and waved.
“Oh, hey, Applejack! Back so soon? And Pinkie Pie! What 're you doin' here? Not that it ain't a pleasure to see ya, but I thought we had a delivery for ya.”
“I'm the herald of Discord!” Pinkie said. “Don't worry! I'll make sure he only uses it for good!”
“Well, isn't that nice! But how 're you gonna get down from there?” Granny asked.
That jinxed it. The cart promptly lost all balance and went rolling down one side of the roof. Applejack screamed as she clung to Pinkie, and Pinkie did much the same, though she sounded a lot happier about it. They landed in a large pile of straw, thrown clear of the crash, but the cart smashed to pieces and needed fresh repairs.
Applejack grit her teeth as tears brimmed in the corners of her eyes. All that hard work for nothing! She wanted to scream and kick and thump the ground, but all she could do was fume in silence. Letting out a long slow breath, she reminded herself that starting a war with that no-good fiend wasn't worth it. All she'd do was escalate the anger and cause more damage to the farm.
When the rage-fueled tunnel vision and general disorientation from falling had left her, Applejack noticed Pinkie surveying the damage with a scowl, but was quickly offered a helping hoof by her friend. She was grateful for Pinkie's assistance as she stood up, feeling mentally exhausted and dismayed, but there was a silver lining to this wreck of a day. At least she was home again.
Pinkie suddenly gave Applejack one of those infectiously bright smiles as she patted her shoulder reassuringly.
“It's okay. We'll get that wagon ship shape in no time! And then we are sending a very stern letter to Discord.”
Author's Note
Technically proofread by a friend. Feel free to offer constructive criticism. I do edit based on suggestions, though it takes me awhile to get around to them. Also, I started writing this story before Pinkie Apple Pie came out, but I think that episode helped me finish it.
