Double Dragon: Rainbow Initiative

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Main 6, Lyra, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 3185

Marian's missing, again! It's up to Billy and Jimmy Lee to fight through hordes of ponies to get her back, all in classic late 80's style, radical!

It feels like you can't let the lady out of your sight. Oh well, the Billy and Jimmy Lee know to just head to the right and they'll find her eventually. Though can they adapt their fighting styles against the hordes of pony enemies? You bet, nerdburgers!

Published 2014-03-09 23:10:14 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-09 23:10:14 UTC

Level 0: Gotta find Marian!

Author's Note

Don't read this if you are afraid of getting pumped.

For maximum hype: Read one chapter at a time. Do something mundane in your life. Feel hyped about doing something LIKE AN AMERICAN DREAMER. Rewind. Play.

Level 0: Gotta find Marian!

Man, the streets are flowing with fresh New Coke which is making everybody hurl, the ladies of the night are armed with their snappiest whips, and that jerk in the afro has been breakdancing for twelve straight hours! That’s right, baby, everybody’s kicking it, and this day can’t get any better. Let me tell you this, sucka: Ain’t nobody gonna be ruining this by stealing those Lee boys’ girl! This time they went outside, and go figure that they didn’t get a fist in the belly the moment they did. But when they returned they found themselves in total shock.

“Whoa, Marian’s gone!”

This is so not bodacious.

“Aw man, well I guess we better go get her back.” Said Jimmy, his face and hair showing his epic depression.

Billy was not cool with that. “Nuts to that! We just need to get a new girl, I think they got a six pack at the bar on the left!”

“No go bro, only Marian knows how the clicker works!”

“Aw snap, what are we waiting for!” And they both burst into the street through the garage door, because the regular door was not large enough to fit both them and their awesomeness through it!

Battle ready and fists held high, they went to the only natural direction: The right. The streets were clear because of that last beatdown they laid on everyone, so nobody would ever step up to the challenge, meaning that everything was as smooth as a glass of Pepsi. But then, they came across an open door that led into an empty void that lacked the typical giant glowing arrow pointing into it saying that it was a shop. So the only possible conclusion is this must’ve been a secret path. So with that, they jumped up in the air and clapped hands before rushing straight in through the door, like Americans.

They fell into the portal and soon came out the other end, because a loading screen knew it’d get it’s butt whooped if it dared show up here! But what’s worse is that they were thrown into an unfamiliar and totally not hip world of gorgeous colors, a visible sun, and not a single lamp post containing a whole cooked chicken was around to be found. But were they wigging out? Hell no! Because they arrived on a road, and there’s only two directions on a road: Left or right. They went right, passing a sign that stated they were in Ponyville.

Shizznets gonna be poppin’ off like crazy!

Level 1: Bustin' Through Ponyville!

Our two heroes soon found themselves totally surrounded by the denizens of this quaint community, hiding themselves in their houses and drinking tea, the fiends. But were they scared? Were they just going to totally bail and give up on their girl? Hell no! They strutted it right into the center of town before they were approached by an overly enthusiastic unicorn with light green hair and a similarly colored mane with white highlights. And of course it spoke, because all unicorns speak.

“Oh my gosh, you’re humans! Can I have your autograph?”

Billy and Jimmy looked at each other and back to the unicorn. And the only thing that came out of their mouths was “A talking narwhal with hooves! Radical!”

The unicorn rolled her eyes playfully and dismissed the comment with a wave of her hoof. “I’m not a narwhal, silly. My name is Lyra Heartstrings, and I’m just a plain unicorn. But what’s more radical is that you’re humans! That’s so cool!”

“You know what’s also cool? Your ink!” Remarked Billy Lee.

“Yeah, where’d you snag the tramp stamp?” Continued Jimmy.

“Oh, that’s just my cutie mark. It’s nothing special. But you guys have hands! That is so amazing! Can I look at them?” And without a response she totally invaded our heroes’ personal space. They were not having it. Billy swung behind Lyra and put her in a full nelson and Jimmy followed this with a flurry of punches to her unprotected belly. After the seventeenth hit, they let her go writhing on the ground in pain. For some strange reason she didn’t disappear.

“Man, that nerdicorn did not stand a chance.”

“Well it is level one.”

“Hey look, that one has wings!” Billy pointed at some grey haired pony with wings adorned with a blonde mane which was carrying a bag bustling with papers. They double walked fast right up to her, causing two distinct shadows to fall over her.

The mutant horse looked at the both of them with a pair of wonky eyes that pointed in two directions. “Hi, I’m Derpy! I’ll have your mail in just a sec.” She said, searching through her satchel.

“Hey, maybe she’s not an enemy after all.” Said Jimmy.

She soon held out a couple of letters for them in her mouth. Jimmy was about to reach for them when Billy caught his hand. “Wait a sec, this dorkusus doesn’t even know our address!”

“Aw snap!” And Jimmy let fly a fist of unrelenting force that cracked at the side of Derpy’s jaw, flooring her instantly. He then picked her up. Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy, fool! And he threw her right at Billy who clutched her around the belly in a hold and followed through with a suplex right into a garbage can!

Now you might think that after all this, ain’t nobody gonna be messing with those Lee boys! They be so bad! Well you’d be totally wrong, loser. They didn’t come across the boss just yet! But then, red as the devil, blonde as blondie, and big a really big thing stood Big Macintosh right in the middle of the road. The large stallion detached himself from a cart carrying apples and got up right in our heroes’ faces and he was ready and rarin’ to go.

Billy was not daunted. “Hey, you must be the big cheese!”

“That’d explain the smell!” Neither was Jimmy apparently.

Big Mac thought these rad-bad dudes were totally not righteous, so he swiftly spun around and sent our heroes flying back with a kick from both hooves. It just got real. They got back up, readied their dukes, and charged right at Big Mac, Jimmy taking the lead with his fist readied to deliver the momentum into a force that could shatter all but the mightiest of trash cans. Big Mac matched this with one of his front hooves sent flying in a directed kick that used all the brunt of his muscles. They were evenly matched, and a boom sounded throughout the land to let all know something heavy was going down.

Big Mac threw his head back, snout held high in the air, and prepared to headbutt the young upstart but immediately his face was nearly obliterated by Billy who delivered a crushing dive kick. Big Mac was stunned giving Jimmy the chance to cancel his punch and deliver a spin kick which sent Mac flying. He lifted his head, which by all means should have been destroyed, but it fell back on the ground leaving him defeated. Our heroes celebrated by walking off into the right to the next level.

Level 2: Canterlot's Crushing Guards

Alright! After destroying a public bench and drinking a whole two liter bottle of pop, our heroes were back in tip top shape and ready to go ballistic on the next fool’s heiny. Too bad for them that they just so happened to use the level select code to skip ahead to Canterlot. Tales of their deeds of whooping butt back in Ponyville had spread fast, and the only ones left in the streets were the many guards who formed a nice line to the castle. Funky fresh scores of armored horses were definitely more apt to make this a battle of brotastic proportions. Too bad they won’t be there for long!

Billy and Jimmy ran straight into the crowd, knocking all these cops flat like a steamroller and leaving behind a trail of busted chops and bruised gonads. The fist-on-hoof action was too much, and too bad for those freakazoids. Their fingerless appendages were no match for the might of grade-A American muscle. The ones who were still standing way back at the far right of the street saw the carnage belting its way towards them.

But they knew their mission. “Alright, don’t let them enter the castle! Stop them by any means necessary! Get ready to charge!” Ordered Shining Armor, the captain of the royal guard.

One underling had second thoughts. “Um, sir. We have spears.”

“Your point?”

“We have spears.”

“Oh, right. Good job. Alright everypony, spears at the ready!” Upon command, the last line of defense chucked their weapons right at Billy and Jimmy whilst they were in the middle of playing a mad air guitar riff upon the bodies of unconscious foes. The spears interrupted right at the climax where they lifted their invisible axes to the heavens and made those Lees a whole lot more hole-ier. They fell upon the cobbled streets swiftly and remained there, deathly still. Even their corpses exuded a radiance of awesome.

The line of defense advanced to aid their fallen brethren, but first they were obliged to ensure that the two walking factories of hip hop were truly as dead as disco. The last line of defense in the royal Canterlot guard gathered around the two bodies. Some removed their lame helmets in a sign of respect whilst others experienced thoughts of how to desecrate their bodies. Then something happened, something that shocked all those nutbars. The bodies began to flicker and then vanished, as in totally disappeared, and left the spears that resided in them to fall upon the road.

The guards were all literally head-to-head trying to look at and see if the brotacular duo simply fell through the road. Bad move. Those losers soon got their comeuppance when the Lees popped from thin air and simultaneously delivered two rocking spin kicks that immediately knocked everypony near them out like an explosion of shear attitude! Only one pony remained: Shining Armor.

“In the name of Equestria I want you both to surrender and come quietly! There’s no need for more fighting.”

Normally the police would never stand a chance and would receive a brutal blow to the nards before their eyes would be set upon the fleeing Lee boys, but this time was different.

“Wait, Equestria? Did we go the wrong way? We’re trying to find the Shadow Boss!”

“The Shadow Boss? Do you mean Princess Luna?” Shining Armor pointed with his hoof at the turret of the castle where the princess of the night stayed.

Jimmy stated “Alright! That’s where she’s gotta be!” And he began his journey to the castle.
Shining Armor made the biggest mistake of his life and got right in Jimmy’s way. “Halt! I can’t allow you to go up there. I have a duty to protect the princesses. If that means I have to defeat you, then I will.” Shining Armor braced himself and got ready to launch at the man in front of him. The one man. When there was originally two. Turns out the other one was right behind him. Although he only found this out when, as of that moment, Billy cracked him across the head with a spear, snapping the weapon in two and knocking out the captain of the guard.

Now without any impediments, the Lee boys took their striving steps to the right to the castle of the night. If there is anything to learn from history about castles though, it’s that they probably should pack some fish bowls on their heads because it’s probably going to launch into space.

Level 3: Princess Luna's Totally Not Rocket Ship Castle!

An unstoppable machination, a constant reminder to man’s futility, and the ultimate essence of a blight upon all of mankind in the Double Dragon world stood between the Lee brothers and vanquishing the Shadow Boss. They were stopped at the entrance to the tower by a door. Most of the time whenever a place is capable of being entered one must walk sideways through a void and enter a brightly lit room. This time they were totally roadblocked.

Deterred though not defeated, the Lees resolved to fall back on their ultimate and trustworthy technique passed through the ages of the masters of martial arts. They began to just wail on the door with their fists. It was all to no avail, the door did not budge an inch and the Lee boys were left in a state of limbo, unable to retreat to the left and unable to proceed to the right. But before they were able to contemplate about eating each other, the door opened on its own. It was probably a delayed reaction as the door knew that if it shattered apart right away it wouldn’t nearly have been as cool.

The war against inhumanity and lameness was still not over, so our daring heroes punched into the doorway wildly, eliminating any and all enemies that dared to approach. When all had gone quiet they went through it, stepping over the crumpled body of the doormare. Traversing the elegant halls of the mighty tower, they then rose an ever spiraling staircase to a sprawling room at the top. Nothing could stop them now!

They were stopped by the appearance of six very colorful ponies adorned with jewelry and striking a pose that pronounced their state of power. Their leader, a purple pony with wings and a horn stood proudly side-by-side with them and spoke.

“You two have committed deeds most unkind to our Equestrian citizens and have wreaked havoc throughout our world. I don’t know where you came from, and we may have been friends, but the time for pleasantries is gone and you have forced my hoof. We will defeat you with the power of friendship!”

Upon this, the six ponies began to exude power, combining the elements of harmony into a ever destructive rainbow of friendship that fell upon the Lee boys. When the smoke cleared the Lee boys were totally unfazed.

“Oh no! How did this happen? How are you two still standing?!”

The two brothers stepped forward and pointed with all of the strength of an American hero and one spiky-haired lawyer. The Lee boys were undominatable, formidable, and rude tude dudes! And as such, they began a speech.

“You can’t defeat us with the power of friendship!” Said Jimmy

Billy continued where Jimmy left off. “Because we are the brothers Lee!”

“And if there is one thing that is true” Jimmy ended with a pause before in unison, they stated “The bond between brothers is the strongest of friendships!”

The six ponies fell flat at this statement. They were defeated, for nothing alive could withstand the sheer bro-itude of true bros. With the ponies out of the way, our heroes went up to the last door of their harrowing adventure. With a spinning kick from the both of them, they knocked it clear off the hinges and entered a room with one lone blue and black colored horse-narwhal-swan hybrid wearing a black crown. Princess Luna however was too busy to acknowledge the intruders and continued to read her scroll.

“Sorry good sirs, but your Shadow Master is in another castle. Not in Equestria.”

They let their hands hang at their sides and their dos went totally floppy with a loss of the pure adrenaline pumping action that they had encountered along their journey. “Aw man, does that mean this joint isn’t a rocket ship too?”

Luna paused for the longest time before looking in the general direction of the Lee boys. She didn’t look at them, but she stared at the floor as beads of sweat from her forehead dropped onto it. “Thats correct. You are correct good sirs. I believe that you are correct on this matter. My castle is most definitely not a rocket ship fueled and ready to go in the event of another invasion of Canterlot. I don’t know why you would even suggest such an absurd claim? Did that rocket scientist tell you that? I’ll have you know that pony is a bold-faced liar, and is seeking to slander the good royalty of myself and my sister! So don’t believe him. I do not live in a model 20-5 liquid nitrogen rocket ship.”

“Alright then. Smell ya’ later!” And the Lee boys backtracked through their journey to arrive back in their world.

Level 5: Snap Backed to Reality

Back in the neon lit streets where the air was fresh and pure with smog and the streets ran thick with wicked dudes left and right, the Lee boys returned to their hideout, dejected. Their search was fruitless and they were no closer to finding their communal girlfriend Marian than they were when they first started. And worst of all, from now on they would have to get up to change the channel on the TV if they didn’t want to watch all those lame shows. This day blows. Still, they went over to the couch in front of the TV and flopped right on down, but soon were in an epic battle over who had to sit in the non-reclining chair so that the other bro could lay on the couch.

All hope seemed lost. But then a voice rang from the kitchen with it’s dulcet tones. “Yo, you guys back yet?”

The Lees ceased their bickering and looked straight through the kitchen door to see the most beautiful tube-topped and jean jacket wearing lady of all time. “Marian?!”

“Yeah. It’s me. Where did you guys go? I’ve been waiting here for hours.” She said, hopping over the couch and sitting between the two of them.

“We thought you got nabbed again!” Said Jimmy, who was as shocked as his bro.

“I was getting a drink. Don’t tell me you went on another quest to fight the Shadow Boss again.”

They just looked around nervously without responding at all. Although to be fair, it’s not a quest until you get to the level with the ninjas.

“Well I’m so glad that you guys would do this for me at least. Whats say we watch some TV?”

“Alright!” Said the Lee boys. Though their celebration came to an end when they both grabbed the remote, forcing them to look in each others eyes with the burning intensity of rage.

Who will get the rights to watch what’s on the TV? Which brother shall fall in this dramatic battle of historic proportions? Keep watching Double Dragon: Rainbow Initiative for the next episode: Player 2 Defeated!

The End.