Warning: this is canon
Once upon a time… In a land far far away called Lordran.
There was a man.
That man’s name… Was Giantdad, also sometimes known as The Legend.
He was a fearsome man, who wore heavy armour, and carried around a giant Zweihander with the power to burn the shit out of his enemies with the slightest touch.
Giantdad was sitting around one day in Oolacile, when some ninjaflipping darkwraith faggot invaded.
“Aw shit what now.” Giantdad said in his incredibly deep and intimidating voice.
“Oh shwizzle it’s Giantdad! The Legend never dies! LOL git gud scrub!” The Darkwraith said.
“Shut up.” Giantdad said.
Giantdad then beat the Darkwraith to a bloody pulp, and stole his humanity, souls, and dark wood grain ring for good measure.
Giantdad sighed, and got into his thinking pose.
“Being a Legend isn’t as amazing as I thought it would have been. There must be somewhere I can go where nobody can recognize me...” He said.
So he thought.
And he thought some more.
And then thought even more.
But nothing came to him. He WAS pretty famous in Lordran.
“Wait, that’s it!” He said.
“I just have to leave Lordran!” He exclaimed.
“But where to go… Boletaria just kind of fucking disappeared, and Drangelic is just full of those fucking Giants, and anywhere else is pretty fucked up too. Shit, the whole world is fucked up!”
“Then maybe you should go to a completely different world?”
A strange Old Lady entered Giantdad’s field of vision.
“Uhh, and how exactly would that work?” The Legend asked.
“With this!” The Old lady yelled, as she pulled something out of her pocket.
She revealed to Giantdad a glowing multi-colored orb.
“Whoa, a convenient plot device that requires little explanation!” Giantdad exclaimed.
“Yep, use this baby and WHO KNOWS what would happen!” The Old Lady said with a tone of excitement.
“Gimme that shit!” The Legend yelled.
“Fuck no! Gimme all yo’ souls first kid!” The Woman yelled.
“Shit, fine. It’s not like I’ll need them or anything if this is a different world we’re talking.”
Giantdad handed over all his souls and the Old Woman gave him the orb and ran away.
“Fuck yes.” Our protagonist said.
So Giantdad used that shit immediately.
And then the orb exploded in his face with a crash.
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” The Legend yelled as he fell down and died.
Giantdad woke up at the Oolacile Township Bonfire.
“Wow, well there goes all my souls.” He said.
Giantdad decided being a legend wasn’t so great, so he killed himself.
THE END
NOT
Giantdad woke up in a tree with a killer headache.
“Oh gods, how the hell did I survive that?” Giantdad asked himself.
Suddenly, Giantdad heard people talking below the tree.
“Goddammit Spike, how many times do I have to tell you this. You do not spend MY HARD EARNED MONEY on PROSTITUTES.” A beautiful feminine voice full of perfection said.
“Geez, Twi, you don’t have to be a hardass. It was just ten bits, and she only had Herpes! Only. Herpes. It’s pretty hard to find a prostitute without at least three STDs these days, get your facts straight.” A whiny teenager sounding voice replied.
Giantdad peeked out of the tree and looked below.
First off, he learned that this tree was also a house. Who woulda thought?
Secondly, it wasn’t people talking, it was a small purple dragon, and a beautiful purple unicorn.
Third, he saw wonderful, beautiful, purple perfection.
And he wasn’t looking at the whiny dragon.
She was so beautiful he got a boner hard enough to launch him out of the tree, and right in front of the beautiful purple pony.
“Oh what, what the hell are you?” Purple Pony asked.
Giantdad froze. He was frightened, he didn’t know what to do. Should he run? Should he try to impress her? Should he kill the dragon? All he knew was that he was unworthy to be in the sight of such a beauty.
It was then that one of the Human’s most primal instincts kicked in.
Giantdad flexed really fucking hard.
Doing this caused his armour to fall off, leaving him with nothing but his mask and his undergarments on.
He then began to sweat raspberry jelly from his armpits, which produced a slightly erotic odour.
Twilight Sparlke froze. She was frightened, she didn’t know what to do. Should she run? Should she try to impress him? Should she kill the dragon? All she knew was that she was unworthy to be in the presence of such a fine man.
It was then that one of the Unicorn’s most primal instincts kicked in.
Twilight began to secrete honey from the tip of her horn, which also produced a slightly erotic odour.
“I want to fuck you hard.” Twilight said.
“Aw shit, you serious?” Giantdad asked.
“Yes, very serious.” Twilight replied.
“Alright, let’s go then!” Giantdad said.
Twilight dragged Giantdad into her house with her magic, and threw him on her bed.
“Let’s do this quick, I gotta write a letter or something.”
Giantdad flexed once more, and several Penis shaped Tentacles came out of his mask and armpits.
Said tentacles grabbed Twilight and lifted her into the air, revealing the wet, slimy, and hungry looking mouths all over her stomach.
Giantdad’s tentacles moved towards the mouths, and entered.
Twilight gasped as the tentacles began to thrust in and out slowly.
The tentacles began to move faster and faster, the two felt close to climax.
Giantdad’s mask ripped off, revealing the source of several tentacles, as well as a giant vagina.
Twilight began to feel something coming, and she puked gratuitous amounts of pink milk into Giantdad’s facepussy.
Giantdad’s tentacles turned into licorice, and began to spew melted chocolate into Twilight’s mouth.
Giantdad’s tentacles set Twilight down.
After that day, Twilight and Giantdad became a wonderful couple, doing wonderful couple things, like spending time together, and going on picnics, and holding hands, and having hot sex under the moonlight.
But one day...
“Just thought you guys might want to know, I've been watching you have sex for a while, and it's pretty fucking hot.” Spike said.
“Please fuck off.” Giantdad said.
He then pulled out his Zweihander and killed Spike.
“Oh shit!” Twilight yelled.
“What? He was annoying.” Giantdad said.
“That’s kind of a fucking crime, I don’t care if he’s annoying!” Twilight yelled.
“Wait, what? I mean, I could understand if he was a king or a god or something, but that just makes no sense.” Giantdad responded.
“Well it’s kind of a big deal here, and since I’m secretly a police officer, I now have to send you to jail.” Twilight replied.
“Wait, wha-” Giantdad was cut off as Twilight used her magic to teleport him to Pony Jail.
Giantdad woke up in a vast room. There was a white statue of a pegasus pony, and a passage to the south. Giantdad examined the statue, beside the Pegasus’ feet were winged sandals, they had a slight glo- Giantdad grabbed the winged sandals. Um, excuse me?
“What?” Giantdad asked.
Could you please let me finish describing things before you grab them?
“Fine, fine.” Giantdad replied.
Beside the Pegasus’ feet were winged sandals, they had a slight glow to them.
Giantdad went south. Wait, what?
In front of Giantdad was a giant chasm that no mere mortal could jump, below were all sorts of flames and spikes and shit.
On the other side of the Chasm was Giantdad’s one true love, Twilight.
Giantdad jumped the chasm, he made a pitiful leap into the flames below.
“Wait what!? I had the fucking winged sandals!” Giantdad yelled as he fell.
No, no you did not, you interrupted my description, so it didn’t count!
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Giantdad asked.
Nope.
“Well, Twilight probably hates me anyways, there’s no way I could live without her.” The Legend said.
And so, The Legend died.
The End.
#THELEGENDDIEDLOL
