Self Insert in Equestria: A Blubbery Journey

by A Large Handsome Walrus

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Random
Length: 1779

A Big Sexy Walrus is magically teleported to Equestria when he gets run over by a car and one of Twilight's spells goes wrong. A mediocre story ensues. #Satire

Earth's only sapient walrus is magically teleported to Equestria when he gets run over by a car and one of Twilight's spells goes wrong. A mediocre story ensues.

#Satire

Reviews:

downvoted because the ponies didn't want to have sex with him as soon as they laid eyes upon him.
fucking unrealistic :facehoof:

- Fugly Duckling

Published 2014-01-22 20:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-22 20:30:03 UTC

Harry Blubber and the Walrus' Stone

Harry Blubber and the Walrus' Stone

I sat there on my computer chair almost panting, never before have I been so focused. Unfortunately instead of doing something productive I was playing Team Fortress 2. Literally bathing in my own virginity. I killed some guy, I moved my flipper and un-muted my mic.

"Haha lern 2 play noob!" I shouted down the microphone. My chins chafing against each other all the way. Suddenly I noticed an enemy turn round the corner, sweating I quickly move my flipper back over to the mouse hoping he wouldn't kill me first. But alas, I was too late...

"aut1st1cMLPfan69 is dominating w33dlover_noscoper_420blaze"

This set alarms off in my head. This was the first time I was not the domineer in such a game. I snapped.

"ARG WTF NOOB HOW THEN HELL? FUCK? I'M FUCKING GOING TO REPORT YOU YOU FUCKING BASTARDING FATTY CORE PUSSLE! ARRG LERN 2 PLAY JEEZZ!" I headbutted my monitor sending my tusks through the screen and flopped out my room. It's difficult being the only sapient walrus on Earth, mostly because of stairs. After painfully rolling down the stairs I flop-sprinted over to the street, fortunately there was a truck with a painfully oblivious driver. I Jumped out in front of the car, I was unable to deal with the hard ships of life. But what happened next was tremendously curious. I was enveloped in a purple aura and taken straight out of reality.

I was in a peculiar place, surrounded by endless nothingness. It felt strange. As if everyone on Earth was staring at me but there was nobody around. There was small purple sparkles surrounding me until they had completely enveloped my vision. I could feel my self slipping, I tried to fight it but I knew it was futile...

I opened my eyes to something REALLY strange. An endless sea of... Colour. I had to close my eyes it was that beautiful. Slowly opening them, making sure my eyes where fully adjusted. Looking in the distance I could see rolling mountains there where birds all around me singing. Squirrels dancing along from branch to branch. I rustled my moustache with my flipper. And that's when I noticed, I had a large horn coming out of my forehead. I urfed in fright, but this only cause a red beam of energy to zap a tree and set it on fire.

Apparently fire spread ALOT faster in this world. I was almost surrounded but I managed to flop towards a small gap only to reveal a large cliff. Which I was completely oblivious to, which I fell over. But, I wasn't plummeting to my fate, I looked around startled and eventually laid my eyes upon a  two large wings projecting from my sides, that was my boiling point, I lost my balance and began falling. My life began flashing before my eyes. Oh wait, I'm a completely 2 dimensional character with no notable back story other than the start of this story. Heck my name hasn't even been disclosed yet.(It's John by the way. Hi!)

Then it hit me, the ground that is, it was painful, I really should take writing lessons. But anyway the pain was unbearable so I fainted. The fall wasn't THAT big. But still enough to brake every bone in my body. Ouch.

"The heck is it?"

"I-I don't know"

"Whatever the heck it is it don't look like it's from 'round these parts." There was now a choir of voices around me. I couldn't keep my eyes focused.

"I think it's waking up!"

"No it ain't!" It his me and sent me into another blissful sleep.

Princess Twilight was galloping around her library picking and shifting through lots of random old books and tomes.

"It can't be it can't be!" She opened up an old book of pre-equestrian folklore and myths. And began skimming it until coming across what she was looking for.

The Wallycorn Prophecy

It is said that a large grey creature would eventually spawn in the wilderness of Equis, this creature would seemingly have the attributes of Gods, which they dubbed Alicorns at the time, with large wings and a horn this creature is said to posses power only dream-able by the most powerful of Gods, this creature, according to the ancient Unicornia Calendar would usher in a new era, for better or worse.

It is described as the perfect embodiment of every Element known to Ponykind. This story eventually was adsorbed into common children's stories and came to influence many modern myths such as...

Twilight closed over the book and made for the door, it was dark out, so she grabbed a cloak, opening the door she was bombarded by a torrent of rain and wind, but this would not stop her. Pushing her way through the storm she started to head for her destination, the Ponyville hospital. She casted a ward to help shield herself from nature. Her hoofs where covered in mud but didn't let this disturb her journey.

12 hours prior

Twilight was working her flank off. This had to work! She heard a large crash behind her. She sighed.

"Pinkie! I told you if I let you in my lab you were to behave! Now look what you've done!" To her credit Pinkie had been pretty quiet most of the time.

"But Twilight there was this HUGE spider! And-"

"Pinkie, please just leave everything alone OK?" Twilight muffled her using her magic. She seemed to be trying to convince her but she just eventually gave a breathy sigh and sat down. Twilight rolled her eyes and got back to her work.

She was working on an old theory that samples could literally be ripped from one dimension to another. The process was laborious but if it actually worked it would literally rock the scientific world. Think of all the new magical elements she could obtain? Or perhaps a living sample? It would be controversial but think of the knowledge we could obtain about evolution?

"Spike!" she shouted up the stairs.

"Coming" The baby dragon replied. After a few moments he ran down the stairs panting, "Eh yes?"

"Could you take a letter?" Twilight gave a sheepish smile. Spike rolled his eyes and began collecting the equipment. Twilight looked over to her machine, only to notice Pinkie playing around with it. Her hand found it's way to a certain button... "PINKIE NO!"....

I began regaining my consciousness rubbing my head I noticed the horn was still there.

"Damn it wasn't a dream" Taking note of my surroundings I was now in a rather dull room. Contrasting nicely from the place I arrived in. Rolling off of the bed I stretched... All of my bones where intact? I decided not to question it simply happy to be in one piece... The fuck? Not seriously what the fuck? My tusk? IS BROKEN? Looking over to the table confirmed this, it was in a plastic bag, they where probably diagnosing it the filthy creatures that captured him. His anger was building to tremendously high levels. His horn was now flashing bright red, its power increasing with every passing moment. Until...

"HAHUM I gave the most powerful hahum ever shaking the building down to the foundations I was now surrounded by my own, red aura, it eventually enveloped my entire vision, I was in a titanic amount of pain. I closed my eyes.

A strange sensation overtook my body, wind? I re-opened my eyes, I was in a field again, but this one didn't feel so remote. There was a small hill in the distance with a small cottage on top. I began to make my way towards it...

A Song of Blubber and Tusks

Interlude I1000-ish Years Ago

A cloaked figure hastily trotted across the vast arctic plane, it was a rather tall mare with a long horn extending from her head. She looked on into the distance, their face obscured from view by a piece of ragged cloth. It pick up its pace when it saw its target on the horizon, an old ramshackle hut. The pony shivered, the place never looked very welcoming. Her hooves crunching the sand she approached the door of the cabin giving it a push, it didn't budge. A indigo aura enveloped her horn and using her magic gave the door a stronger push, her efforts where futile. Getting angry gave the door a forceful jolt tearing it off it's hinges. Shaking herself off she stepped inside.The door now nothing but splinters she gave it another look.

"Pull" She read to herself. Looking around embarrassed as if to see if anyone saw her she gave a content sigh.

Examining the hut she could see a varying assortment of shelves each one filled with a varying assortment of books. Many of which where still intact. But the vast majority being nothing but torn embers of their past selves. Heading down one of the many aisles she came to a large hole in the ground which never seemed to end. She removed the hood covering her head revealing a long flowing mane with stars seemingly intertwined within. The Princess of the Night shivered.

"Here goes nothing..." She thought to herself out loud. Taking a deep breath she jumped down the hole. She actually found it rather fun, in a "I might die but whatever yolo" type of way. Like wrestling an alligator or injecting vodka into your temple. With many twists and turns, loop de loops she reached the bottom of the ride. Now a straight cave laid in front of her, it felt cold, too cold, this was the first time Luna had felt a foreboding danger from darkness, her darkness. She felt powerless, as if her very nature had abandoned her. Still, putting on a brave face, she stepped into the mouth of the cave.

Her hooves giving a clicking sound against the frozen ground beneath her she was eyeing her surroundings with caution.

"I hope these damned legends are true, Oh Equis I hope they're true..." Hallowing could be heard in the distance, it was faint, she ticked it off as her imagination playing tricks on her. She could here small whispers all around her.

"What do you hope to find here?" She made out among the chorus of sound around her.

"My destiny" Luna replied. All she got in return was a sharp hiss.

She approached a small chamber, her light sensitive eyes picked out a torch in the middle. She lit it with her magic. What she found filled her, from head to horn with glee...