We just don't know what went wrong
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The Great Barn Robbery

We just don't know what went wrong

“What is she doing there for so long?” Berry Punch sighed, sitting on the ground. She rested herself against an apple tree and took a hip flask from the inner pocket of her catsuit.

“Don’t worry, Dash has everything covered,” Vinyl said, watching the house through the binoculars. All the windows were dark and there was nopony in sight; not even the slightest hint of anyone's presence.

“Yeah, right…” Berry Punch took a sip from the flask and winced. “I’d rather not be here if she gets caught. Ten more minutes and I’m leaving.”

“Think of the cider!” Vinyl exclaimed.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about it all the time. Along with the pissed off mare who will use our bodies as fertilizer if she catches us.”

“No way, she’s a good pony and Dash is her friend…” Vinyl sat near Berry Punch, levitated a cigarette she was keeping behind her ear and lit it up with her magic.

“Fuck!” Berry exclaimed when the blue halo temporarily blinded her, “Can you stop playing with your horn? They’ll see us and we’ll end up with a load of buckshot in our flanks…”

“I’m not playing with my horn. Mommy said that one can get blind from that,” Vinyl deadpanned. She exhaled the smoke and looked around to make sure nopony was coming.

Berry covered her face with her hooves. “At least remember to take the butt with yourself. You know, this fancy DNA thingy…”

“Don’t worry." Vinyl smirked. "They’ll think it was Scootaloo…”

“What? Scootaloo smokes?”

They almost screamed, hearing a voice behind their backs. Vinyl’s cigarette slid from her magic grasp, burning a hole in her catsuit. They spun to see Rainbow Dash hovering behind them with a guilty expression.

“Well, she smoked,” Vinyl said when her heartbeat slowed down to the normal rate. “I saw her smoking behind my house last week.”

“I gotta have a serious talk with her…” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“Not necessarily. She got sick.” Vinyl smirked.

“How sick?” Rainbow Dash asked, her face slightly pale.

“Hoo, boy… Just like me when I drink too much champagne. Really, last time I did that, I spent half of the night embracing a–”

Berry Punch cleared her throat. “Girls, aren’t you forgetting something?”

Rainbow Dash’s mind immediately drifted off of Scootaloo, Vinyl, and their digestive problems. “I have the key,” she said.

“Great! Now it’s time for the next point of the plan…”

“So, here it is,” Vinyl said, lifting the curtain. “Please excuse the crudity of this model as I didn't have time to build it to scale or paint it.”

They were sitting around the ping pong table in Vinyl’s basement, a small room cluttered with turntables, speakers and various other equipment. The maquette of Sweet Apple Acres, built of cardboard, safety matches, and bottle caps was occupying most of the table. It was very detailed, complete with action figures of Applejack, Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom and Granny Smith placed around the orchard.

“Okay,” Rainbow Dash pointed at the certain place in the fence. “The gate is closed at night, but there’s a small hole here, so you two can get through it. Then we’ll have to go to the house–”

“Why?” Berry Punch asked, “At night the whole family will be at home…” She took the action figures of Apple family and placed them in the cardboard hutt in the middle of the maquette.

“That’s the problem. Applejack keeps the key to the barn in her room.”

“So, why bother with the key?” Vinyl asked, “I know one spell–”

“Your ‘one spell’ will wake up everypony in ten miles radius! We’ll go to the house, you’ll stay on guard and I’ll fly up to her window and take the key.”

As she was speaking, Vinyl levitated another three action figures and put them in appropriate positions on the model.

Berry Punch raised her eyebrows before furrowing them. “Okay, Vinyl I can get that you’re vain enough to have an action figure of yourself… But of us? That’s getting creepy…”

“They’re custom, I made them when I was preparing this,” Vinyl replied, blushing.

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. When they turned back to her, she continued, “Okay, so I’ll take the key and we’ll go here…” She moved the action figures to one of the barns. “Then we’ll open it to get–”

“– cider?” asked Berry Punch with hope in her voice.

“No. In that barn there’s a key to another barn." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Applejack thinks it’s very clever, but I know exactly where it’s hidden.”

“Right, so then we’ll have the key to the barn with the key to the barn with the cider?” Vinyl asked.

“Exactly. Then we’ll go to that barn and take exactly six barrels of cider.”

“Why six?” Berry asked. “Let’s go va banque!”

“Sorry, Berry, but you’re not a criminal mastermind.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “We know from our tests that Vinyl can levitate four barrels at once and we can take one barrel each. Also, it’s easier to share six barrels between three ponies.”

“You know what? When it comes to stealing cider, you sound like Twilight Sparkle,” Berry said.

“Yeah…" Rainbow smiled sheepishly. "Also, Applejack will never notice that six barrels went missing. At least I hope so.”

Somepony knocked at the basement’s door.

“Not now, Tavi!” Vinyl shouted, “I’m busy making secret plans!”

“Vinyl, you spent most of the last week building a doll-scale replica of Sweet Apple Acres, so your secret plans either involve stealing the cider or turning everypony in town into dolls so they can be friends with you forever! Open the bloody door!”

“Luna dammit…” Berry muttered. “She’ll tell everypony.”

“I brought snacks for you and your friends!” Octavia bellowed.

Vinyl immediately opened the door. Octavia came down the stairs and sighed, seeing the model on the table. “Just in case,” she said, “I have money to bail only one of you.”

“Good.” Vinyl smiled and turned to her partners in crime. “Do you have money too?”

“Who said that I’m going to bail you?” Octavia smirked, putting the tray on the only free piece of the table. Vinyl’s ears drooped. Even moreso when Octavia spoke again.

“By the way, I was looking for my bow and I found an action figure of me next to your Playmare stash. You do realise how creepy is that?”

“Great, I’m not alone.” Berry chuckled.

“Oh, Tavi… You know how much I love you…” Vinyl smiled sheepishly, trying to embrace Octavia, who dodged her with ease.

“This’ll never happen,” she said. “We’re just roommates. Nopony can drink enough cider to fall in love with you, Scratch.” With these words, she turned around and went upstairs.

“Still in the friendzone, huh?” Berry chirped, poking Vinyl.

“It’s just temporary problems,” said the DJ, staring at Octavia’s flank as she was walking up the stairs.

Berry followed her gaze. “You have a problem, girl,” she deadpanned. “It’s called sexual harrassment.”

“Oh, shut up!”

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. They both looked at her.

“So,” the pegasus said, as if nopony interrupted them, “When we get out with the cider…”

“Why is this suit so tight?” Berry muttered when they were walking through the orchard, looking for the barn.

“It’s not the suit, it’s your flank,” Vinyl explained calmly, earning a nasty glare from the earth mare. She looked upwards to see Rainbow Dash flying above them and watching the road with the binoculars.

“We’re close,” Rainbow Dash said.

“It’s all too easy,” Berry murmured. “I think it might be a trap…”

“Hey, getting that key wasn’t easy!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“Yeah, why did it take you so long?” Vinyl asked.

Silent like a morning breeze, Rainbow Dash landed on the sill and opened the window. She stepped inside, carefully choosing the boards on which she put her hooves. Last time she had visited Applejack, she checked exactly which of them creaked, and now all she had to do was to avoid them.

They were planning this for ages. Since Big Macintosh accidentally told Berry that Applejack kept a large stash of cider in one of her barns, she wanted to put her hooves on it. This, however, required careful planning and competent partners. Rainbow Dash could provide both, with her great knowledge of Sweet Apple Acres and Apple Family’s habits. After a while, they decided that they’d need an unicorn to carry the barrels for them and, since Twilight and Rarity were out of the question, they decided to ask Vinyl Scratch for help.

Applejack was sleeping in her bed, the chain with a key hanging from her neck. Rainbow Dash looked at her and smiled. She made a few steps towards the bed and carefully reached her hoof.

Applejack muttered something incoherently, turning away from her. Rainbow Dash cursed under her breath.

“Umm… Dashie…” Applejack moaned.

Rainbow Dash froze, eyes wide in horror. For a moment she stopped breathing, hoping in vain to slow her heartbeat too.

“Dashie… Your wings… so strong…”

Rainbow Dash blushed. Applejack turned in her bed again, the key inches from the pegasus’ hoof.

“Come to me… Kiss me…”

*Pomf!*

“Stupid wings, we’re heterosexual, remember?” Rainbow Dash scolded, “Maybe next time, Jackie, now I have to…” She quickly reached the key and unchained it.

“I want to marry you, Dashie…” Applejack whispered in her sleep.

“Umm… maybe tomorrow, ok?” Rainbow Dash whispered, backpedalling. For a moment she felt bad about what she was going to do, but then she thought about the cider.

“Stay with me…” She reached Rainbow Dash with her foreleg and for a moment their hooves connected.

There was something in Applejack’s groggy voice that made Rainbow Dash think about the consequences of her actions. If Applejack found out that her cider disappeared, she’d be sad. If she’d be sad, she’d look for somepony to comfort her. And she’d never suspect a friend who’d come to offer her tea and sympathy during the hard times, right?

Rainbow Dash liked that idea.

She quickly spun, and suddenly one of her hooves landed on the creaking board. The ominous sound echoed through the farmhouse with the volume of an incoming herd of dragons during their mating season. Rainbow Dash felt her catsuit getting wet from sweat, she closed her eyes and tucked her wings to the sides, trying to be as small as possible.

Applejack only snored. After painfully long few seconds Dash sighed with relief and jumped out of the window.

“So, here we are!” Rainbow Dash landed in front of them and pointed at the building in front of them, “The barn number one!”

She went to the gate and took the key from her catsuit. She put it in the hole and turned it, then pushed the door.

“Strange,” she muttered, “They’re open, but something blocks them from the inside…”

“Did you try to pull them?”

“Unfortunately, Vinyl, only your door swings both ways, if you catch my drift,” Rainbow Dash replied.

“What?" Vinyl raised her eyebrows. "No, you need to push it. I know, I live there.”

“Well, apparently you don’t.”

“We’re screwed,” Berry Punch deadpanned, giving the door a poke.

“Not exactly.” Vinyl pointed upwards. “There’s a small window there.”

Rainbow Dash flew to the window, examining it.

“It’s too small for me…” she said.

“Hey, maybe it’s time for Ms. Friendzoned Skinny Plot to show off?” Berry Punch stared at Vinyl, grinning maliciously.

“What? Never, I’m scared of heights! Why don’t we take you instead?”

“Keep calm, Vinyl…” Rainbow Dash muttered, carrying the DJ in her hooves. Vinyl was shivering slightly, her eyes closed and her forelegs wrapped tightly around the pegasus’ neck.

“W-why d-don’t we t-take Berry?”

“Because, as she put it, ‘you’re a bag of bones with a 100 Watt light bulb attached to the forehead and she has huge earth pony flanks’. Relax, it’s only a few more inches…”

“Said the Royal Guard to the Princess!” Berry exclaimed, as loud as she could while still whispering. Rainbow Dash made an attempt to facehoof and Vinyl slipped from her hooves, catching her tail with her teeth at the last moment. Dash hissed in pain, but suddenly felt that Vinyl stopped shivering. She looked down and found the cause.

“If you don’t stop staring at my flank, you’re gonna land down there with the trace of my horseshoe imprinted on your face…” she muttered through the gritted teeth. Vinyl immediately turned her gaze away. She murmured something illegible, nothing unusual for somepony holding other pony’s tail in her mouth.

“She said that she was only admiring your cutie mark, and if The Great Old Ones didn’t want us to stare at each other’s flanks, they’d put our cutie marks somewhere else. That, or you sat on something gross, not sure,” Berry said.

Rainbow Dash only sighed and flapped her wings harder.

Finally, the DJ stood on the sill. Trying not to look down, she crept on a timber supporting the roof. Rainbow Dash landed next to Berry Punch, waiting for the unicorn to open the door.

“Maybe we underestimate her,” she said, “So far, she’s stealthy like a ninja…”

*Thud!*

“That sounded like a unicorn hitting the ground, don’t you think?” Berry asked. "Followed by a stray cat."

More weird sounds followed: somepony’s screams, muffled shouts, hoofsteps, and the sound of magical beams being fired.

“So much for being stealthy…" Dash said. "We’d better run.”

Just when they were going to flee, the door to the barn opened and Vinyl stood in them. She had a black eye, and her catsuit was torn in few places.

“Come here, girls.” She panted. “We have a problem.”

Rainbow Dash gulped, seeing that barn’s interior was full of spiders and even several fruit-bats hanging from the ceiling. The only source of light was Vinyl’s magic, at the moment pinning two ponies to the walls.

“Apple Bloom?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, “What are you– ah, I see…” she said, taking a look at the other pony, a light blue colt with a dark blue mane. She wasn’t sure, but his name was probably Shady Daze.

“We need to kill them,” Vinyl said. “They know too much.”

“Yeah, because Applejack totally won’t suspect anything if her sister disappears,” Berry Punch deadpanned. She took a look around the barn and noticed some blankets and pillows in one of its corners, surrounded by candles, an empty bottle of cider, and the remains of two apple pies.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Apple Bloom shouted.

“Yeah, right…” Berry smirked. “Listen kid, I was in your age too. Let’s make a deal: we haven’t seen you here and you haven’t seen us here, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Vinyl, release them.”

Vinyl reluctantly followed the order. Rainbow Dash went to the stack of hay and started to search through it.

“Hey!” Apple Bloom shouted, “It’s not the part of the deal!”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Listen, Apple Bloom, why don’t you say goodbye to your new friend and go home? We have something to do here.”

“The key isn’t there!”

“What?” Rainbow Dash ran to the filly. “Where is it?”

“Umm… Ah may or may not know that…” Apple Bloom smiled innocently.

Vinyl stepped forward making an expression that, in darkness, could be mistaken for a professional smile. “How much?” she asked, searching through her pockets.

“Twenty bits.”

“Umm… Eighteen?”

“Twenty.” Apple Bloom looked directly into the DJ’s eyes. Nopony could withstand that stare for long.

“I only have fifteen…” said Vinyl, almost crying. “Girls, do you have something?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. Berry looked through her pockets, accidentally tearing her catsuit, but finally found a large, golden coin. “I only have fifty bits.”

“Fifty will do,” Apple Bloom smirked.

“What?" Vinyl exclaimed. "You wanted twenty, you little, ungrateful–”

“Or Ah’ll go to Applejack…”

“Fine.” Berry sighed and gave the coin to Apple Bloom.

“And fifteen for him,” the filly pointed at Shady Daze, who was still sitting in the corner with a frown. “For aggravated damages.”

Berry muttered something under her breath, offending probably not only Apple Bloom’s late parents, but also Granny Smith, Pinkie Pie and several other of her relatives.

“What aggravated damages?” Vinyl groaned. “He bucked me in the face!”

“You wish, baby,” Shady Daze smirked. Vinyl frowned and told him, sparing no details, where he could stick her fifteen bits, but finally levitated the money to him.

“You’d better spend it on some protection,” she said. “Applejack probably wouldn’t be pleased of another audacious brat like you running around…”

“Yeah, listen to her, kids,” Berry Punch laughed. “Her parents didn’t use condoms and look what happened…”

Vinyl sent her a glare expressing pure contempt.

Rainbow Dash, unfazed, turned to Apple Bloom. “So, where’s the key?”

“Oh, Ah gave it to Lyra Heartstrings.”

“WHAT?”

“She paid me one hundred bits and promised to borrow a book from the adult section of the Twilight’s library for me.” Apple Bloom smiled.

“What book?” Vinyl asked. Rainbow Dash didn’t hear the reply, too busy slamming her hoof against her forehead and refraining herself from using words no filly should know.

“If Ah were y’all, Ah’d hurry,” said Apple Bloom, barely containing laughter. “Lyra and Bon Bon are probably on their way to the cider.”

Rainbow Dash perked up, her pupils shrunk to pinpricks. Berry and Vinyl looked at her, understanding each other without words.

“Come on, girls! They’re stealing our cider!” the pegasus shouted. They darted forward, running out of the barn.

Apple Bloom sighed and turned to Shady Daze, wrapping her hoof around him. “So, where did we stop?” she asked, smiling at him.

“No respect for the older ponies…” Vinyl panted, galloping through the orchard. “That’s simply–”

“Rarity would say ‘egregious’,” Rainbow Dash prompted. She was trying to fly and look at her companions simultaneously, which almost resulted with a crash.

“That’s simply egregious. Outrageous even… Kids these days, they only think about money.”

“Capitalism,” Berry concluded. “Adapt or die.”

“Really, that filly’s cutie mark should be a fat pony wearing a cylinder, sucking the proletariat’s blood…”

“Vinyl, are you high?” Berry glared at the DJ, who was still rambling. “I hope she chokes on apples some day…”

“Hey, it’s my friend’s sister we’re talking about!" Rainbow Dash shouted. An obnoxious little brat, but still, it’s almost a family...”

They approached the barn slowly and saw that the door were open.

“Now careful, ponies…” she whispered, creeping to the building. They heard excited voices from the inside.

“Avanti!” Vinyl shouted, darting forward. She entered the barn and soon they heard punches and the sound of barrels smashing on the floor.

“Let me guess, we need to help her?” Rainbow Dash asked, watching the scene with disbelief. They trotted to the barn and stopped upon seeing what was happening inside.

Several barrels were smashed, changing the ground into the cider-smelling mud. Bon Bon was hiding behind another barrel, watching in horror as Vinyl and Lyra were fighting in the middle of the barn. A golden magic bolt hit another barrel, obliterating it. Lyra watched it, stunned, before Vinyl tackled her, only to be thrown on the opposite wall with the green unicorn’s magic. She slowly got up and charged back at Lyra.

“Do you think we should go there?” Berry Punch asked.

“Well, my loyalty says ‘yes’, but my wings say to stay here and enjoy the show… How about you?”

“My common sense says that going between two unicorns can’t end well.”

The fight reached the deadlock – Vinyl managed to catch Lyra’s mane, making her unable to aim her horn at her and punched her repeatedly with the other hoof, but meanwhile Lyra was strangling her, kicking and screaming.

Berry Punch took a hip flask from the sorry remains of her catsuit. “Want some?”

“Yeah.”

For a moment they were drinking in silence, not counting occasional shouts of the fighting mares.

“Hmm, maybe we should ask Bon Bon if she wants to drink with us?”

“Yeah, I’ll go to her.” A magic bolt flew next to Rainbow Dash’s face. “Or maybe not.”

Berry nodded. “Looks like Vinyl’s enjoying it…”

“You’d scream like that too if someone tried that on you… Besides, Bon Bon is lucky, having such a skilled marefriend.” Rainbow tilted her head, smirking.

“Really, we should intervene. They may hurt each other.”

“Don’t think so. They’re tired, it’ll end soon.”

“Ouch!" Berry winced. "Really, unicorns shouldn’t head-butt anypony. Also, are limbs supposed to bend that way?”

“Eeyup. That was close. Really, we should go there before somepony loses eye.”

They slowly got up and trotted inside the barn.

The Sun rose above Sweet Apple Acres. On the top of the hill, three ponies stood, watching the orchard and a barn in the distance.

“Seems that there’s a fight there,” Applejack said. “Ah told ya, Apple Bloom, ya shouldn’t be so greedy. One group at a time.”

“Hey, Ah got one hundred bits from Lyra and fifty from Berry Punch. And another hundred from Thunderlane. And–”

“Ok, enough. Big Mac?”

“Time Turner gave me thirty bits for the key to that barn. But he plans to go there tomorrow.”

“Let’s hope there’ll be something left for him,” Applejack turned to Apple Bloom, “Is it the end of that ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders - Cider Makers’ thing?”

“Yeah, sis. But if they taste it, they’ll find out that Sweetie made it…”

“And what will they do? Ask for their money back?” Applejack smirked.

“There’s one thing that I’m ponder about,” Big Macintosh said. “What were you doing in the barn at night, Apple Bloom?”

“Umm… waiting for somepony to break into it to take the key of course!”

“Yeah… Say hello to Shady Daze from me,” Applejack said, “and invite him for a dinner. Ah’m sure Granny will be pleased to meet him…”

Apple Bloom’s face suddenly became of the same colour as her mane.

“Ah’m very good at pretending that Ah’m asleep, y’all know,” Applejack smirked. “Even Dash didn’t suspect anything, though Ah had a little conversation with her…”

From the barn came the sound resembling a cider barrel smashing against somepony’s head.

“Ah’d better go and scare them off before they destroy the barn…” Applejack said, rising slowly and taking her lasso.

“I won’t tell that I haven’t seen that coming,” Octavia said, giving a bag of ice to Vinyl, who put it on her forehead.

They all were in the living room of Vinyl and Octavia’s place. Vinyl and Lyra, the former with a bandaged head and the latter with an eyepatch and with foreleg in a sling, were sitting on the couch, glaring at each other angrily. Bon Bon, her mane disheveled and her tail burnt by a spell, kept apologizing to Berry Punch who was keeping a napkin over her bleeding nose. Rainbow Dash was mostly intact, except of few scratches and a bite mark on her wing. She wasn’t sure, but it was probably courtesy of Vinyl and her sudden attack of panic when they joined the brawl.

“So, I guess your secret plans failed miserably?” Octavia asked.

“Yeah, kick the dog, Tavi, and pour the salt in my wounds...” Vinyl muttered.

“Oh, Vinny,” Octavia smiled and kissed the poor DJ’s cheek, “You’ll always be my little puppy…”

“Can you two get yourself a room or something?” Berry groaned. “I don’t wanna nosebleed and vomit at the same time!”

Octavia stared at her, ready to say something snarky with her Trottingham accent, but then somepony knocked at the door. The cellist went to open it.

“Howdy,” they heard from the hall. Suddenly, all the unresolved conflicts were forgotten; Vinyl and Lyra hid together under the couch, Rainbow Dash flew through the window to the garden, and Berry locked herself in the closet with Bon Bon.

“I’m glad that you brought cider for them,” said Octavia to Applejack when they entered the living room.

“Yeah, Ah think they learned the lesson, but still Ah feel a bit bad after that…” said Applejack, “But where are they?”

“Oh, I guess they’re not far away…” Octavia opened the closet and dodged two ponies rolling out of it. "Hmm, I don't know about Berry, but sitting in the closet is not your thing, Bonnie..."

“Hi girls,” Applejack said. “Do you want some cider?”

“Err… You know that I always wanted to know how it is to be sober?” Berry Punch asked.

“Yeah, you should try it, it’s totally awesome,” Bon Bon replied quickly.

“I think it’s overrated!” Lyra shouted from her concealment.

“You’re overrated…” Vinyl muttered, “Ouch!”

Applejack looked in confusion at the couch which was now jumping on the floor. Several sparks of blue and golden magic burned holes in the upholstery.

“You know?” Octavia asked. “Let’s go to the kitchen. I think I really need a drink…”

Author's Note

Just when I thought I can't think of dumber idea that "Old Shame", this happened...