Pinkamena Pie's Infallible Cure-All

by CaptainCake

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, DJ P0N-3
Length: 4129

Pinkie makes a scientific discovery that will change Equestria and make life better for everyone!

After finding all of her friends too busy to spend time with her, Pinkie toys around in her lab and makes a fantastic discovery.
Where will her discovery take her?
What kinds of new and exciting friends will she make?
Who's that peculiar new mare with the blank flank?
Why are there so many questions in this description?
WHAT AM I NOT TELLING YOU?!

Find out in WINTER WRA—wait no—PINKAMENA PIE'S INFALLIBLE CURE-ALL!!!

(Rated mature for drugs and some fairly violent themes)
(Shameless clop is a probable addition, but chapters including will be clearly marked and omittable)

Published 2014-01-20 02:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-02 23:29:37 UTC

A Lonely Wednesday

Pinkamena Pie's Infallible Cure-All

Chapter 1: A Lonely Wednesday

Pinkie opened her eyes as the morning sun shone through her soft pink windows. It was Wednesday, and Pinkie was excited; Pinkie never had a bad Wednesday. As she stretched and let the light soak into her soft pink fur, she remembered the night before; everyone Pinkie knew was busy. Twilight had books to read, while Rarity had "a simply faabulous dress idea" she had to work on. Dash and Applejack were racing at AJ's house, something about who could reach their peak last, Pinkie thought that was funny, usually when you race you want to be first. She didn't think about it too much though, those two were always waaaay more competitive than she could ever understand, unless they were having a party-throwing contest.

"I wonder if anypony is up and at 'em." Pinkie thought aloud.

She bounced down the stairs of Sugarcube Corner singing to herself in a perky, loud tone.

Mrs. Cake promptly darted her head out of her door, "Pinkie, you have a beautiful voice, but please quiet down the twins are asleep!"

"Oh! Sorry Misse-" Pinkie stopped herself, realizing she was still at singing volume. "Sorry Mrs. C!" Pinkie whispered.

Pinkie kept bouncing down the stairs, through the lobby, and out into Celestia's beaming midweek sun. Pinkie couldn't wipe the smile off of her face. She hadn't even had her daily tray of breakfast cupcakes and she already was prepared for a day chock-full of fun with her friends!

* * *

"For the last time, no Pinkie!" Twilight brooded, half hidden behind her thick purple door

"BUT TWILIIIIGHT YOU DIDN'T SPEND ANY TIME WITH ME YESTERDAY!!!" Pinkie sobbed at her second loudest, saving her last notch for Twilight's next excuse.

"I understand, but I made an important breakthrough and have to keep studying before I forget it all."

"But you have like a bazillion notes on everything ever, didn't you take notes?"

"I, uh, forgot. Gotta go, bye!"

"WAAAAIIIT!" Pinkie screamed as loud as she could into the door, which had just been shut.

Eyebrows furrowed, Pinkie turned around and walked to nowhere in particular. Pinkie knew what she'd do, she'd go to Sweet Apple Acres.

* * *

Pinkie trotted up the steps to the door of the Apple's home, excited that she could still spend time with her friend Applejack. When the door was opened Pinkie was greeted by Big Mac, who without asking about, or allowing her to explain her motives pointed her up the stairs to Applejack's room

"Nuh-uh, I'm here for you, big boy." Pinkie teased as Mac's eyes widened and his face dawned a terrified expression. "Just kidding!"

Mac's eyes shrank back to regular size and he let out a long satisfied sigh. Pinkie zipped up the stairs and burst through Applejack's door only to witness the single most horrific thing she had ever seen. Rainbow Dash had murdered AJ, blood was everywhere. Rainbow turned to Pinkie, eyes wide and bloodshot, face sneering in delight and caked with blood. Before she could even react she tackled Pinkie, tearing her soft flesh, blood trickling down Pinkies chest.

Just kidding. Rainbow leapt off of a moaning, incoherent Applejack.

"Pinkie! Hey!" the once blue, now deep red pegasus shouted spreading her wings wide, hoping to obstruct the pink pony's view, "I didn't know you'd be stopping by today."

"Well Twilight's too busy to party, and the Cakes have the day off, so I thought I'd come see my best friend Appleja- Hey wait! Why are YOU here, Rainbow?"

"I uh...sleepover? Yeah, yeah, sleepover." Dash grinned confidently, knowing that would fool Pinkie.

"Oh, okay...you guys wanna hang out? We could make cupcakes! Ooh, or we could save Equestria! OR WE COULD THROW A SUPER DUPER MEGA AWESOME RAINBOW AND PINKIE AND APPLEJACK ARE ALL BEST FRIENDS PART-"

"Yeah sorry Pinkie, but AJ here needs my help with the...uh...the...apple bucking!"

"Apple bucking, but you haven't ever helped her before now."

"Yeah, but this year the harvest is really big. So she needs my help getting off, er, getting the apples off of the trees. Yeah!" Rainbow nervously grinned, praying to Celestia she would buy the story.

"Okie dokey lokey!" Pinkie chirped, shutting the door behind her.

"Now, where were we my sweet southern belle?" Rainbow teased.

"Hey by the way, if you guys are gonna filly fool you should probably lock the door." Pinkie teased, hanging out of the window, standing on nothing in particular. "Bye Appledash!" Pinkie teased.

There was always Rarity. That fashionista might always be working, but surely sometime she'd have to take a break, why not today?

* * *

Rarity sat hunched over her sewing machine, sweat beading on her forehead, creeping down her brow. Since the rising of the sun that morning, Rarity had been here, working on her next big design. If she was ever going to make it to Manhattan as a designer, this would be the dress to put her there. She had slowly been working on this dress for half a decade, and today was one of the rare days when she could work on it, making sure every thread was precisely where it needed to be. This, for Rarity, was existence. Every stitch and pattern and piece falling into position gave her a wave of pleasure like nothing else. Rarity was not doing work, she was her work.

"Like nothing else, huh?" Pinkie mused over Rarity's shoulder, waggling her eyebrows.

"Pinkie how did you?"

"Because I am your god." Pinkie whispered with a specter of some strange emotion Rarity couldn't comprehend in her otherwise exuberant tone.

"I-what?"

"No-thing!" Pinkie sang. "Anyway I can see you are busy so I won't bother you. You haven't much time left anyway."

"What do you-but-I," Rarity stammered, "But I have so much to live for!"

As she exited the boutique Pinkie grinned sadistically. "And that is for spitting out my punch at Gummy's party." She licked her lips, Rarity's despondence was palpable. Pinkie loved making everypony smile, but she needed revenge. That was her special recipe, and she was insulted.

Having that out of her system, and nopony to party with, she resolved she would have to occupy herself the way she always did when she was alone...

Up All Night

Pinkamena Pie's Infallible Cure-All

Chapter 2: Up All Night

Chemistry, of course! Pinkie loved chemistry. Other science was fun too, but Pinkie liked chemistry; it was like baking, and baking made her super happy, like, three parties in one day happy! Of course, Pinkie only saved chemistry for her really lonely days, because it was the most confusing and it made her feel less alone than throwing a party without anypony there. After the last time she decided that probably wasn't a good idea. Too bad though, Madame Le Flour was so beautiful and Pinkie really wanted to get to know her better.

That was neither here nor there though, Pinkie decided, and opened the door to the basement of Sugarcube Corner. She surveyed her lab setup. Beakers were strewn haphazardly, caked with chemicals, many of which were technically a violation of Celestia's laws of planar existence, the same laws she established specifically because of Ms. Pie. There were burners and vials and a variety of test tubes of every shape and size. Except for seventeen milliliters, Pinkie went out of her way not to use those. They were too skinny to be that tall, and frankly she didn't understand why anypony used or even made them. Pinkie hated very few things, but those were definitely on the list.

"The first step," Pinkie began, "is cleaning!"

Pinkie's eyes narrowed and she got down to it, scrubbing every piece of glass, ceramic, and wire. She dried of all of her apparatuses—er—apparatusi—apperaten? She dried her things, and selected the glassware for her first project. Well, she really just picked it all up and threw it on the counter to her left, deciding she'd choose as she went.

"Let's see..." She pondered, "Second step is..."

Several minutes passed when suddenly Pinkie sang, "OBSERVATION!"

"So what could I observate?" She stroked her chin with a hoof.

Then it hit her, she could make a candy that never melted away! A big ball of sweetness! Pinkie wasted no time except for a lot. She knew exactly what to do; this project would require a massive amount of both chemistry and baking expertise. And a flugelhorn, but she still had one somewhere.

Pinkie began with the basics, making the candy taste good. She tiptoed into the kitchen upstairs and opened the ingredient cabinet; she chose a mixture mainly comprised of apples and extract of rainbow. To be clear, Pinkie was using an extract of a weather anomaly, not the blood of her friend, although sometimes she considered it. The party pony felt it wasn't a fun enough recipe, so tie it all together and give it exotic flare, she added the leaves of the polyandric saber-fern, which she had been saving for something special. She mixed the flavors and a menagerie of other ingredients in a bowl, making a gooey purple puddle in the bowl.

Now Pinkie was to the second stage: making it last. Pinkie had made candy before with her friend Bon Bon before. They did it a lot actually. Pinkie liked candy. She liked anything sweet, and that's why making this was such a splendifforific idea, she could make exactly what she loved, and she'd only have to do it once! Bon Bon always said that eucalyptus made candies last longer, but Pinkie had no idea where exactly she could find such a plant. Pinkie had some ground pegasus feather though, she figured that the properties of the magical enamel that made the wings capable of resisting the friction of flying would make the candy harder, if not impossible, to dissolve. She mixed it into the purple paste. It fizzled and became a light shade of pink, similar to herself, while also becoming hard, like clay. She poured it out of the bowl and molded it into a large, circular ball.

"Time to bake!" Pinkie threw the into the oven and started to wait.

After one hundred eighty-seven minutes of grueling heat, feverish hunger, and a LOT of sprinkles, her masterpiece was complete!

Well she thought it was complete, technically speaking if it were infinitely enjoyable she wouldn't ever truly be able to tell because she'd never finish it, but after cross examining the tangential matrix of the progression graphs of similar candies Pinkie concluded that it was as close to perfect as anypony could ever need, save for the princesses, but they liked sour candies as Pinkie recalled.

"I shall call it the EverlastingClopstopper!" She mused, pulling a pink,bit-sized lump of sugar glass from the crucible it sat in.

It made sense to her, because any foal who got their hands on one of these wouldn't ever need to clop again!

"Wait I can't do that! Who WOULDN'T want to clop?!?" She dropped the candy, smashing it with a hammer she pulled from—oh why does it matter it's Pinkie?

"But I didn't even get to test it naturally. All I managed were artificial tests. I at least have to smell it!"

Pinkie breathed all of the air out of her lungs, refusing to settle for a small smell of a completely untested product made with highly toxic and hazardous chemicals. She breathed in with all of her might. It smelled great, like blueberries and bananas and Rarity's mane when she's sleeping. She inhaled so powerfully the walls of the basement lab curved inward. She breathed the Clopstopper dust in, forcing a fit of sneezing and coughing and some wonderful feeling Pinkie had never felt before.

Her head was spinning, heart thumping so loudly everything around her shook, and the hammer from nowhere in particular stood and began to change shape; Nightmare Moon towered over her.

"TELL ME MORTAL," she blasted in the royal voice, "WHAT PATHETIC PLOT DO YOU HAVE TO STOP MY SECOND COMING?"

Pinkie was mortified. Not because of Nightmare Moon, anyone who made the mistake of calling Pinkamena Pie mortal often suffered a horrendous and painful end, commonly serving out the remainder of their time on the planet as a batch of delicious cupcakes. What mortified her was the rainbow of colors everything had suddenly taken. Blues were green, reds purple, and Pinkie's own hooves were the color of day-old brownie batter. Also, she had left the oven on, and the Cakes charged her when she used it off hours.

Pinkie ran up the stairs as fast as she could and turned the oven off, crisis averted.

* * *

When she regained consciousness she was lying in a soft, if somewhat small bed, and she couldn't help but notice the presence of a warm body pressed against her back. She reached a hoof back, brushing a wiry mane which coursed with energy, almost like lightning. Pinkie could only think of one pony with a mane like that. Rainbow Dash.

Comedown

Pinkamena Pie's Infallible Cure-All
Chapter 3: Comedown

Pinkie could only think of one pony with a mane like that. Rainbow Dash.

"Finally came to your senses, didja?" Pinkie smiled while simultaneously jumping on top of her partner and opening her eyes.

That wasn't Rainbow Dash.

Beneath Pinkie, a white mare lay limp and asleep. She had a frazzled, wiry mane which was riddled with at least seven shades of blue. It was spiky, and the colors fluctuated as if her mane were made from the embers of a blue fire. Pinkie had never seen such a mane.

"Well, at least I have good taste," she thought while licking her lips.

The mystery pony was stirred by Pinkie's sudden change of position and slowly moved her extremities, trying to find her bed mate. After a few bursts of effort, the pony opened her eyes. Pinkie couldn't help but gasp aloud at the resplendent eyes revealed to her; they were magenta, like Rainbow's, but Rainbow's didn't compare to these. They locked with Pinkie's gaze and she felt...at home. There was a warmth in her heart she had never felt before. Her legs became jelly, and she fell on top of the marshmallow coat below her.

"Hey, Pinkie," the mare began, "that was some night, huh?"

Buck. Pinkie didn't remember anything about her new partner, not even a name.

"Wait!" Her mind turned, vying for a solution. "Her cutie mark! Maybe if I see her cutie mark I'll remember who she is!"

Pinkie, ever the actress, pretended to fall from the small bed they were resting upon. Frankly, Pinkie was amazed the pony didn't become suspicious, since falling off of a bed while lying on your belly isn't exactly—well—possible.

~~~~~

I woke up kind of abruptly, but hey, that's alright. It was totally worth it to get with that pink mare, right? What was her name? Oh yeah, Pinkie Pie. What a crazy name. Hell, what a crazy pony. And now it was time for the best part of the routine, the morning after sex. Time for step one, cradle last nights conquest from behind and whisper something that'll make her heart melt.

I moved my arms around, but there wasn't anypony there. Dammit. Did I get one-night-standed again?

I really didn't want to open my eyes if I didn't have to, but I needed to see if I got abandoned, or if that mare just fell off of the bed. That was happening a lot lately. Note to self, get a bigger bed. I guess I had to. I opened my eyes, staring at the wall of my bedroom where Pinkie should have been, but obviously I already knew she wasn't there. I turned to the ceiling, preparing to force myself out of bed. Holy shit! There's Pinkie. Right above me. Staring. Honestly I didn't know whether being watched in my sleep is flattering or creepy, but I decided to indulge both emotions and act cool.

"Hey Pinkie—" I tried to play it off like I wasn't surprised she was staring at me in my sleep like some kind of mass murderer. "—that was some night, huh?"

As soon as I saw those eyes I was completely paralyzed. I didn't remember them being that beautiful the night before, of course I did do a pretty great job keeping her eyes closed (and her throat squealing) throughout most of the night. But anyway, those eyes! Wow! I couldn't think. She was so damn beautiful, but those eyes set it all off. They were so deep, so intelligent and unwavering, like she knew what I was planning on doing, but insisted she was the one in power here. That was kind of sexy. Disappointing, to say the least, but definitely sexy. And they were so...comfortable. No, that word doesn't work, but they were! Something in them made me feel a little less unsure about everything, not just the fact that my early morning buck-train had been completely hijacked, either. Out of nowhere I felt this warm confidence inside me. This pony was important to me somehow, I could tell.

My cheesy soap opera day dreams were broken by the pony above me collapsed and fell onto my floor, taking the only blanket with her. Today was already way more interesting than the rest of my week.

~~~~~

Ha! I did it! I managed to exit the bed, avoid confronting the mare about the fact I had no clue who she was, and uncovered her cutie mark in one swift and elegant move.

Okay, so it wasn't elegant at all, but I'd like to see you pull off that situation as well as I did. Two bits says you can't do it. Anyway I was...um...oh! Right! That mark, I needed to see it!

Without hesitating I pushed my head as close to her flank as I could get. That's totally normal though, after all we did just spend a night doing Celestia knows what. I pressed my nose right on my new friend and wow. She smelled like sex. Not the oh-my-god-I'll-do-anything-to-make-you-smile-Rarity kind, but like the hey-everyone-look-Fluttershy-was-actually-mentioned-in-this-story kind of sex. I mean it was the happy kind, not the kind where you just do it for a dress to the Gala...I regret nothing.

"Well, so much for not knowing what I was doing last night," I mumbled.

My eyes focused on the reason I got here, trying to figure out who this pony was and what she did. There was a small problem though...

There wasn't anything on her. Well there was something on her, but nothing that really says "Look at what I can do!" Confused I reached a hoof up and brushed at her flank in case maybe something was covering her coat. Nope. Nothing.

~~~~~

"You know if I knew you were gonna stare at me all morning I'da made you pay me." Pinkie turned her head to the mare, looking confused. "It's a joke. Ponies make those when they want to sound funny or cheer someone up, or break an awkward silence after someone stares at their ass for a prolonged period of time." The color of Pinkie's face probably would have become pink if it weren't already.

"So—um—what do you want for dinner?"

"We just woke up from our first date and you're already pushing for dinner? Hey I can dig it. I guess I don—"

"BREAKFAST! I meant breakfast! What a beautiful day outside!"

"Pinkie have you seen our coats? We're still pretty dirty from last night..."

Pinkie hadn't thought of that, nor had she seen her own fur. She surveyed her body, and found that she too had patches of dried fluid on herself. Pinkie didn't remember her escapades with Ms. Mystery Mare, (Hey Pinkie liked that name!) but Mystery was right. She desperately needed cleaning.

"Okay." Pinkie looked around the room, still hoping to find some evidence of the mare's name. "Where can I clean up?"

"We."

"What?"

"Where can we clean up. You don't expect to wash your back all by yourself, do you?" She winked at Pinkie.

Pinkie's heart sank a little bit, then it raced. She saw where this was going, and it made her nervous. Not because she didn't want to, Mystery was gorgeous and looked like tons of fun, but every time Pinkie shared a bath with someone before she had at least known their name. Reluctantly, Pinkie made a decision.

"Yeah! We! That sounds like oodles of fun and I could use some help cleaning."

"I'll go get the water going then!" Mystery pranced into a door which Pinkie presumed lead to a bathroom.

"What did I do last night?" Pinkie planted her flank on the wooden floor with a small thud.

Finally having the time, Pinkie surveyed the room. There really wasn't very much in it; she found that most of the floor space was occupied by a series of keyboards and soundboards. There wasn't much on the walls, but what did merit a spot certainly revealed a lot to Pinkie. There were calendars with tons of circles and marks and words and...wait. Those were more than just words. Pinkie stood and walked closer to the calendar.

The calendar was one of the kind you buy in a store for a last minute gift on Hearth's Warming, with pictures of general things like rain drops and forests and oceans. The month currently pinned up was June. All of the days had been crossed out so far, except for yesterday.

"Huh." Pinkie chuckled. "Guess she didn't really have time to cross that day out."

Back to the calendar. The margins were marked with all kinds of dates and times and events, but what stood out to Pinkie was the list at the bottom right. Labeled "Buck-it," the words were scribbled with energy, and appeared to have been scribbled hastily. As they neared the margins the words curved down and kept going, like Rainbow Dash would suddenly turn before hitting a wall. Pinkie turned her head as she read the list.

Buck-it

"Well that's not a very nice choice of words."

1. Clean up this apartment. You are such a slob. Nopony is going to want to associate with your filth. I certainly don't.

"It doesn't look to dirty to me."

2. Clean up your act. You come home late every night strung out and incoherent and I can't bucking stand it.

"She's talking to herself?" Pinkie was alarmed, but then remembered she threw an entire party single-hoofedly, realizing she had no room to judge, she continued reading.

3. Culture yourself. For Celestia's sake "WUBWUBWUBWUB" Is not music; it is the sound of a dishwasher on the fritz.

"Uh..."

4. You're a grown mare, you need to start doing something to contribute to society. Remixing songs with loud sounds and explosions does not count. Maybe if you did something with your life you could finally get a cutie mark and be considered important enough for somepony to care about.

"But...you seemed pretty okay to me...I thought you were nice."

Pinkie stared at the final note on the list, this one was written in a different color and was much more organized and readable.

Win back Octy.

"Octy?" Pinkie tilted her head even further to the side, falling onto the cold floor and knocking herself dizzy for a moment.

"Hey, Pinkie, the water is ready." Mystery popped her head through the door and waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Picking herself up, Pinkie approached the door, unsure of whether or not to address the list or not.

"Well," she muttered in contemplation, "nothing ventured..."

Author's Note

Okay, I admit this chapter could have been a lot smoother, but I needed to write. Sorry about the delay, between my term paper and applying for colleges and scholarships I haven't had much time to write, but once this is all over I can go full steam ahead with this story.

Also, please feel free to leave me criticism in the comments and correct any grammatical mistakes I make. If anyone is interested in proofreading/editing for me that would be awesome.

I hope you guys are enjoying the story. I'm planning on making the next chapter a LOT thicker, but it's gonna take some time.

Finally, I've started experimenting with POV in the story (No way, I coudn't tell!) since I like to use the set of three asterisks (like these:* * *) for time lapses, I will use five consecutive tildes (like THESE: ~~~~~) when changing POV for consistency, flow, and avoiding general confusion.

Thanks for reading guys,
Captain Cake