It Seems I am Not the Only Spy Here

by The_Machinist

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Alternate Universe
Length: 2483

So engineer and spy go to Equestria. Why do they go to Equestria you ask? So they can get away from those darned machines. Can they survive the onslaught of the CMC? Probably not!

So engineer and spy go to Equestria. Why do they go to Equestria you ask? So they can get away from those darned machines. Can they survive the onslaught of the CMC? Probably not! Let's hope that Angel doesn't start smoking!
P.S. Angel smoking might help the plot.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-19 04:30:05 UTC

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPY CATCHERS YAY!

“Prepare to mann up!”

The spy rolled his eyes. Fighting the machines was pointless. The rest of his team were making futile attempts to destroy these machines, but yet they utterly failed. The medic seemed to have no brains when it came to healing his team mates. The heavy just sat next to the upgrade station fawning over all of the improvements he could make to Sasha. The soldier sat in a corner banging his helmet with a shovel, and the demoman was too drunk to even walk. The engineer was the only one with any actual experience as far as the spy was concerned.

Spy perched the fancy fedora on his head and pulled out his trademark enforcer. The fedora just made him look good while he was killing the machines with his enforcer. He felt like a detective again when he was back in France.

The spy heard the engineer's footsteps, as suggested by the heavy stomp of cowboy boots.The spy spun on his heels to face the engineer.The engineer’s name was Dell Conagher . He was a problem solving man that was aged somewhere in his thirties. He donned a brown stetson that he used to wear back in Texas. Spy noted the short circuit that the engineer held.

“Ahm assumin’ ya wanna get out o’ here?” Dell asked.

The spy straightened his tie. “But of course.” Spy responded professionally. He preferred to remain professional and polite while doing his job as a mercenary. It seemed right.

“Ah think that ah may have the solution to our problem pardner.” He said in a hushed tone. The engineer started building a teleporter next to the parked RV that spy was leaning against. The teleporter ,per the usual, started spinning and glowing red.

“What will this do?” “We cannot teleport back to the Mann Co. Headquarters!” The spies eyes widened when he heard the administrators voice come back on the intercom.

“Here they come!”

The next thing spy heard was the engineer’s sentry firing rockets at the giant soldier that had come through. The sentry lived a short life as it was quickly battered down to scrap metal by scouts. The heavy finally decided to come out and fight with the medic close behind him. The scouts were being torn apart by the heavy’s hail of bullets. The heavy quickly ran out of ammo as he was stupidly using the huo long heater.

“What now?!” Spy shouted over the clanking of the robot’s feet against concrete. He shot a scout that was about to clobber him.

The engineer replied by firing his short circuit at the teleporter. The teleporter shot a bolt of green energy in the air and started glowing green itself. Dell was indifferent to this, but the spy gaped when he saw this. He never knew that the engineer could build something that could do that. IT reminded him of the soldier’s righteous bison when it fired off energy. Could the engineer actually replicate Doctor Grordbort’s technology? He found himself dreaming about owning a laser revolver. Spy shook his head and lit a cigarette in his mouth.

“Yah know that’s bad for you?” The engineer stared at the spy.

“The Australians can cure lung cancer with their fancy miracle pills made from Saxton Hale’s moustache” Spy blew a ring of smoke onto the engineer’s face. “Now then, what shall we do?”

The engineer coughed and waved the smoke away. “Well pardner.” He coughed again. “I reckon that you step onto this here ‘porter pad.” The engineer tapped the teleporter with his wrench. “And you’ll be whisked away to ah different place.” The spy raised his eyebrows at that statement. “Nowhere dangerous ah assure you that mister spah.” “I figure that you will be transported to a different world entirely.” “Hopefully one that ain’t got no machines in it.”

The spy shot a rocket that was heading for them and turned back to face the engineer. “Oh merde…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You expect me to believe that we can be whisked away to some new world!” Spy laughed and took a long puff on his cigarette. “C’est fou!”

“Ah don’t know what that means mister spah, but ahm tellin’ the truth here.” The engineer stepped onto the pad. “If ya’ll don’t want to come then that’s up to you.” The teleporter made a noise then the engineer was gone. Another green bolt of energy flew up into the air.

The spy watched the medic and heavy combo get blasted into bits by rockets. The demoman had fallen asleep, and the soldier was riding on the back of a giant heavy. “Merde!” “Wait for me!” He shouted before stepping onto the teleporter pad. He felt himself feel light all over before disappearing in a green flash.

The spy was being whisked forward through a green tunnel. He felt himself being pushed and pulled at the same time. He looked around the green tunnel he was currently in. It was slightly transparent, but what he saw on the outside shocked him. He saw himself fly by the moon at an incredible speed. He felt himself being tugged harder as he passed Jupiter. The spy was gaping in shock while travelling through space. Never before had he thought a mann would travel into space. It was fairly early in the year 1971. There were teleporters, automated sentry guns, and miniature ammunition factories, but space travel? That was only a dream.

An object started to appear at the end of the tunnel. It grew bigger until spy could identify it as a planet. Spy started screaming when he realized that he was about to crash land on an unknown planet. The planet got closer. Spy saw that the planet had white fluffy clouds and an ocean. He determined that this planet had life. His assumption was deemed correct when he saw green covering the planet.

Suddenly it felt like he had been hit by a truck. Yet he was still breathing. He opened his eyes to find himself greeted by a forest. He was standing on the red teleporter pad. He turned around and was greeted by rolling hills and a cottage not too far away. He stepped off the pad and straightened his tie. “Well that could have felt better.”

“Ah reckon you to be right pardner…” Engineer groaned as he sipped a beer. Engineer was lying with his back against a tree. His toolbox was sitting on his lap and a dispenser was to his right. The engineer pulled out a large gray remote with a big red button it. The engineer pushed the button and the teleporter promptly exploded. “Just to be sure them fools ain’t following’ us.” The engineer downed the rest of his beer. “Ah just found out mah dispenser here can produce alcohol…” The engineer laughed.

The spy pulled out another cigarette and lit it in his mouth. “You know alcohol is bad for you.” Spy raised an eyebrow to the engineer.

“Ah’ll stop drinking when you stop smoking” The engineer pointed a robotic finger at the spy.

“Tell that to the Scottish brute.” The spy and engineer broke out into a duet of laughter.

“Oh merde…” Spy wiped a tear from his eye. He helped the engineer to his feet. The engineer stopped laughing and stared behind the spy for a moment before pointing. Spy turned around to see what he was pointing at. The spy raised his eyebrows in surprise when he saw a small cartoony rabbit there. “Strange… I thought rabbits were hunted to extinction for good luck charms…”

“Remember pardner. Different planet and all.” The engineer nudged spy with an elbow and walked forward. “Hey there mister rabbit, would you be so kind as tah point us into the direction of the nearest town?” The engineer stared hopefully at the gawking rabbit

.

^w^ (This is a pov swap) ^w^

“Hey there mister rabbit, would you be so kind as tah point us into the direction of the nearest town?”

Angel stared at the weird hairless monkey in shock. His jaw was almost hitting the ground from the sheer size difference. Even when the monkey was kneeling it was ginormous to the small rabbit. Angel was put into a further state of shock when he realized that the monkey could speak equestrian. Angel stared at the monkey’s stetson and was instantly reminded of Fluttershy’s friend Applejack. Eager to get out of the red suit wearing monkey, he pointed in the direction of ponyville and sped off back towards Fluttershy’s cottage.

He found Fluttershy feeding a group of swallows in the garden outside of the cottage and tugged on her leg. Fluttershy looked down at angel in surprise, but the surprised look was replaced with a happy look when she saw him. “What is it Angel?” She asked in an almost whisper. Angel pointed in the direction of the clothed monkeys. “Is somepony hurt Angel?” Angel shook his head and tugged on her leg harder, once again pointing in the direction of the monkeys. “Is there something you want to show me?” She asked in an excited whisper. Angel nodded his head. “I have to finish feeding these swallows Angel…” “You know how noisy they get when they aren’t fed…” A swallow chirped in annoyance at this comment. “No offense mister swallow…” Fluttershy nuzzled the bird.

By the time Fluttershy had finished feeding the birds it may have been too late. “Alright Angel… Lead the way…” Angel led Fluttershy to the area where he found the two apes, but it was too late. There was only a discarded bottle that read Budweiser, and a foul smelling paper stick. “There’s nothing here Angel…” “You probably just saw something…”

Angel started throwing a fit by stamping the ground with his foot and pointing in the direction of Ponyville. “Calm down Angel bunny!” Fluttershy yell-whispered. This was not a good day for Angel.

^w^ (This is another pov swap) ^w^

“Was that rabbit intelligent?” The spy asked while staring in the direction of the rabbit. This was the first time he had ever seen a rabbit with feet, and an intelligent one at that!

“Seems so.” The engineer shrugged. “That rabbit pointed in that direction.” The engineer pointed in the direction of Ponyville. “There is a cottage over there where the rabbit ran off to… So we should be fairly close to a town.” The engineer packed his dispenser and the spy flicked his cigarette on the ground. “Let’s get movin’ pardner.” The engineer stated enthusiastically.

“Please Mister Conagher… You can just call me spy…” He straightened his tie.

The duo found a path rather quickly, and an arrow sign that was marked Ponyville came soon after that.

“Now what strange folk would name a town Ponyville?” The engineer removed his stetson  and scratched his head.

“Horse worshippers…” Spy said with disgust. He had encountered a group of horse worshippers hiding in the sewers of teufort shortly before the BLU teams’ arrival three years prior. They spray painted cartoon horses all over the walls and said things such as “Pony is love. Pony is life.” Spy had backstabbed them all while they were sleeping and deposited the bodies somewhere in Redmond Mann’s manor.

The engineer merely shrugged in confusion and continued walking. The spy tipped his fedora and followed shortly after with his hands behind his back. They neared the top of a hill, and in the distance was what appeared to be a beautiful European village. There were colorful ponies milling about and they appeared to be talking to each other.

“Is that a unicorn?” The spy pointed to a violet unicorn.

“Is that a Pegasus?” The engineer pointed to a cyan pegasus that was following the annoyed looking unicorn. The pegasus looked to be going on about something.

“Well then.” There were no body parts anywhere. No pollution in the air. This seemed like a perfect world. “We will settle this like gentlemen.” The spy walked forward and into the town. The engineer followed close behind nervously. Ponies gawked at them as they passed boy. There was a shriek and spy thought he heard someone say “The horror! The horror!” before the whole town devolve into a chaotic mess of ponies running back to their homes and peeking out of the windows. The only two ponies left were the violet and cyan ones.

“I reckon you screwed that one up a ton.” The engineer muttered into the spy’s ear.

“Hello, you may call me Spy.” He motioned to himself. “This here is my acquaintance Mister Conagher.” Spy motioned to the engineer. The violet unicorn looked ready to respond, but she was interrupted by a pink pony popping up out of nowhere in front of the spy’s face.

“OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHAREYOUANALIENIVENEVERGIVENANALIENAPARTYBEFOREIFORGOTTOASKDOYOUEVENLIKEPARTIESEVERYPONYLOVESPARTIES!” The pink pony then gasped and bolted off.

The spy and the engineer were befuddled at this point. Of course they could talk. IF they could build houses then surely they could talk. The violet pony finally spoke up. “Er… Hello Mister Spy and Mister Conagher… I am Twilight Sparkle, the town’s librarian.” Spy raised one eyebrow. “I’ve read about your kind in books, and well… I never thought that two of your kind would ever come here…”Spy raised his other eyebrow in response. “Yes well… Your race never progressed… In fact… They are supposed to be extinct. Every other race outmatched them in every way other than intelligence. I never thought two could still exist.”

Spy looked back at the engineer. Then looked back to Twilight. “It seems that my friend and I are the only two of our kind here.” The spy laughed. “This species of humans here probably destroyed themselves or were destroyed. No matter. So as long as you stay you stay out of our way…” He bent down to whisper something into the unicorn’s ear. “We promise not to kill you.” He stood back and smirked at Twilight’s reaction. Her jaw was dropped in shock. The cyan pegasus next to her seemed to be flustered.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, and nopony talks to my friend that way!” She stepped forward expecting the two humans to back off. The spy and engineer laughed at Rainbow. She backed up a step in shock. “What’s so funny?”

“Pardner… Everything about you is funny… Your names are funny fer one.” The engineer laughed harder. He was interrupted by the sudden voice of Twilight.

“Are you related to Applejack in any way?”

“Applewhatnow?” Engineer repeated, still chuckling.

Twilight was starting to get irritated with the two humans. “Applejack, your accent and stetson are very reminiscent of her.”

“Sorry pardner. Ain’t heard of no pony named Applejack.”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPY CATCHERS YAY!” Spy and the engineer turned around to see three fillies running at them wearing capes.

“Oh merde…”