Romance and the Fate of Equestria, Part 1

by SupaSupaBadTrulyMadMoves

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy
Length: 12604

In the aftermath of 'A Canterlot Wedding', Twilight Sparkle decides to pursue a new area of study: the magic of romantic love. And it seems the entire world is ready to teach her about it.

To paraphrase The Smiths, "I am equine and I need to be loved, just like everypony else does."

cover art by Mere

Shortly after her brother's wedding, Twilight announces her intent to supplement her friendship studies with research about the magic of love. Her inexperience proves to be an obstacle as she attempts dating and other pursuits of romance. But life proves to be as eventful as always, not only for Twilight, but for all the ponies around her as well.

Alternate Universe, on account of the story having originally started just after the end of Season 2, and all ideas and concepts invented at that time being used regardless of how obsolete they became as the series progressed. Predominantly slice of life with occasional adventures… you know, not unlike the show.

Original FanFiction.Net version here.
Upgraded DeviantArt.Com version here.

The FanFiction version is the most current, though don't let its massive size intimidate you, I merely chose to publish the several-part series as just one story there. The DeviantArt version of the story is updating slowly, with cover art being designed for each individual chapter. This version will be the slowest of all, as I will only update it when the cover art for the next chapter is actually finished. This will also be the only version with no Author's Notes, making it either the least interesting or the most peaceful, depending upon your point of view.

But that's enough out of me. Enjoy the story.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-25 20:21:56 UTC

Chapter 1

Chapter One

Six friends gathered in the Ponyville library. There was no particular reason, no special occasion. It was simply time… time for all of them to join together for a sleepover.

Twilight smiled at the sight of her five friends, sitting in a circle with an empty space for her. She bounded over, beaming wildly. "Yay!" she spouted. "I love it when we're all together—and now we're all together for a slumber party! For the first time!" She started rapidly prancing in place. "It just makes me so happy! Aaaah!"

Rainbow Dash laughed. "I love it when you get your geek on, Twilight," she said affectionately. "Makes me proud to be one of the ponies who provokes that reaction."

"Will Spike not be joining us tonight?" Rarity asked.

"No, of course not," Twilight said. "This is girl time! He and Owloysius are watching the animals over at Fluttershy's place."

"Ain't that dangerous?" Applejack said, concerned. "A big ol' raptor in a house full of bunnies and rodents?"

"Oh, no," Fluttershy assured her. "I've worked with owls before. The trick with any carnivore is to make sure they're never hungry, and keep them on strict rations at all times, so they know they're not allowed to hunt or kill. And in the meantime, large predatory birds do have a knack for making small creatures sit down and shut up." She giggled.

"So anyway," Twilight said, levitating in a small, white cardboard box, "I bought this set of suggestions for games and activities we can do."

"Yup, there it is," Rainbow said dryly.

Twilight pulled the top off the box and began glancing through the cards. "My brother's wedding really got me thinking about some things," she explained. "The blue cards are games and the orange ones are the puzzles, while the pink ones are deep personal questions that the entire group is required to answer. So, you know…" She chucked all of the orange and blue cards to the side.

"Hmm… that's pretty good," Rainbow Dash admitted, after turning her head and seeing that all of the cards had landed perfectly stacked on a table.

"Sometimes you just feel like you don't know somepony you thought you knew," Twilight went on, shuffling the pink cards. "I think these questions might get this problem out of the way for the six of us." She set the cards back in the box, and set the box gently on the floor in front of herself. "Here's what we do: one of us pulls out a card and asks the question, then we go clockwise around the circle until the pony who first asked the question has answered it, we pass the box counterclockwise and the process is repeated. Everypony got that?"

The others merely blinked.

"Eh, how about we play it by ear?" Applejack offered.

"Okay, I'll begin," Twilight said eagerly, floating a card out of the box. "It says, 'Will you ever get married, and who would your ideal mate be?' Ooh, how appropriate! Rainbow Dash, you start."

Rainbow Dash, immediately to Twilight's left, scratched an itch on her neck as she considered the question. "Will I ever…? Yeah, probably. I mean, most ponies do. Who would it be? I don't have a flapping clue." She laughed. "Think about it. What kind of pony goes for a smokin'-hot tomboy who kicks hindquarters and takes names? It's more 'can I get your autograph?' than 'can I have your number?' So, uh, yeah. Put in a big 'unsure' for me. Fluttershy?"

"Oh," Fluttershy said, surprised. "Well, I… I always wanted to get married, ever since I was little. I still do… I dream about it every night." She stared off into space, seeming introspective.

"Um… Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash said cautiously.

Fluttershy was quiet for a few more seconds. "You guys wanna hear something crazy?" she said absently.

"Oh, sure!" Pinkie Pie said. "Why do you think I wake up every morning? Hit us!"

"Right," Fluttershy whispered, returning her focus to the group. "Well, here goes… I've never spoken to a stallion in my life."

Twilight frowned. "Fluttershy, you must be exaggerating…"

"Obviously," Fluttershy said with a tiny grin. "Obviously I had to talk to one if I had to buy something, or help him, or if he was an authority figure… but I've never really spoken to one… never had a real conversation on a personal level. I have trouble talking to anypony, you all know that. How could I ever… ever ask for… for…"

Her lip trembled, and her eyes grew misty. Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof and gently rubbed her back, just between the wings. "It'll be okay," she whispered.

"So…" Fluttershy choked out. "Short answer, no, I'm never getting married."

Rarity gasped. "Oh, Fluttershy! Sure you will! If it's what you want, it'll happen."

"Yeah, Fluttershy," Twilight said. "You don't have to worry about being alone."

"We're your friends, we'll help you out," Rainbow finished. "It'll be a breeze!"

"Yes," Rarity said firmly. "And you know, darling, I think I can say without hyperbole that you are the most attractive mare in Ponyville."

Fluttershy blinked away the hints of tears which had appeared in her eyes. "R-really?" she stammered. "I thought that was you."

"Oh, that's very sweet of you to say," Rarity said with a smile. "But look at me… it's only because I try really, really hard. Whereas you, well, you roll out of bed every morning already looking like the goddess of a freshwater spring."

Twilight stared at Rarity in surprise, her eyebrows raised. "Rarity, that was beautiful."

"Thanks, I'm taking a poetry class," Rarity said. "Anyway, Fluttershy: why do you think you had such success as a model? To this day, Photo Finish calls you her favorite subject of all time. She was devastated when you quit, and never really recovered."

Fluttershy frowned. "Rarity, I appreciate what you're saying, but you don't have to lie to me to—"

Rarity's horn glowed blue, and she pulled a magazine out of her saddlebag, opened it to a certain page, and shoved it into Fluttershy's face.

It was an interview with Photo Finish, Fluttershy realized. Her eyes were drawn to passage which, apparently, Rarity had gone over with a highlighter pen. "'Of course I would like to talk about Fluttershy,'" she read. "'She remains my favorite of all the subjects I have ever captured across my lifetime. Her running away from the life was an immense blow to my career. It has never been the same, no, never the same at all.' Wow. It actually says that." Flipping to the cover, she saw that the magazine was dated from that very day.

"So you see?" Rarity said cheerfully. "There's no reason we can't get you married off in a flash! Who did you have in mind?"

Fluttershy blushed. "Oh… nopony, really. But you're all so kind! So, um… can we move on now? Pinkie?"

"Right!" Pinkie Pie said, bouncing on the spot. "The getting-married thing. Let's see… well, that's a toughie." She leaned back into a contemplative position. "I remember when I was a filly, I never wanted to get married. Never ever. My parents never seemed to be happy with each other. But then…" she said, returning to her previous position so rapidly that some of the others jumped. "Then I started working and living with the Cakes! And they were so perfect together, and I realized, somehow, someday, somewhere beyond the borders of Equestria…" She breathed in dramatically, her eyes wide. "…there is somepony… WHO ENJOYS A GOOD PARTY AS MUCH AS I DO!"

"Waaaaay beyond the borders of Equestria," Rainbow Dash commented dryly.

"Yeah," Pinkie Pie said, nodding. "And I figure, you know, as long as I'm out there I can discover an alien civilization too."

"…And marry it," Rainbow said.

"The whole civilization? I hadn't thought of that. It has possibilities."

"…Right," Twilight said, chuckling. "So, um, Applejack? How about you?"

"Ah, I dunno," Applejack said earnestly. "I'm kinda married to the farm right now. Never did meet a fella who caught my eye as anything special… but, hey, life-changin' epiphanies do happen. So, that's my piece. Rarity?"

Rarity pondered for a moment, then responded simply: "Meh."

"'Meh'?" Applejack repeated.

"Yes, 'meh'," Rarity said, shuffling uncomfortably. "The whole 'prince charming' thing… I'm pretty much over it." She sighed bitterly. "It's an uncommon pony who's truly all they're cracked up to be. Celestia knows I've tried, in fact she's probably witnessed some of my more pathetic attempts… but it's just not a priority, not anymore. I suppose I've grown. Besides…" She averted her eyes and grinned mischievously. "We all know that if I ever got married, it would break my poor little Spikey-wikey's heart."

Twilight turned to face Rarity in shock for the second time. "Um… what?" she said blankly.

"Well, I said—"

"No, I heard you, it's just… Spike? Really?" Twilight said. "Rarity, are you actually implying that… I don't know what you're implying. What are you actually… what is… what was I saying…?"

"You want to know if I'm implying that Spike has a chance with me," Rarity said calmly. "Well, you know… I'm certainly not about to accept his romantic advances anytime soon, but… well, we'll see what he's like once he's grown up a bit. Just a bit, you know. Is something wrong, Twilight?"

Twilight blinked, then shook her head to clear it. "Um… no, no, it's nothing. Just that now that you've said it outright I owe Donut Joe money… He's always had faith in Spike, a little too much, I think… anyway, back to the game…"

"Yes, that's right!" Rarity said, her eyes sparkling. "How about you, Twilight? Is there room for romance in the heart of the determined academic?"

"Oh, are you kidding?" Twilight said. "Absolutely! Think about it—friendship is magic, right? We've seen that for ourselves more than once. And now, we've seen that romantic love has a bit of punch behind it too. I want to find out more about that, to unlock that potential in my own heart. I bet if I mentioned it to the princess, I'd get a huge research grant!"

Applejack tilted her head. "Why would you need a grant to study romance?"

"Um… I don't know. Makeup? Dinner reservations? Look, I'm clearly unschooled on the subject, okay?" Twilight grumbled, her momentum broken. "Let it go. My point is… part of the reason I called this sleepover is because I wanted to tell you all that I've resolved to start dating. Around Ponyville, and maybe beyond… and just see what happens."

"Well, that sounds like a mighty nice thing to try," Applejack said. "Could change your life! We're all behind you a hundred percent!"

"Mm-hmm!" came a general call around the circle.

"So, I read the next card, correct?" Rarity said, drawing one. "Let's have a look at it then… 'Discuss the traits of some of the most desirable colts at school'—at 'school'? Twilight, what age group is this for?"

Rarity attempted to lift the box to read the bottom of it, but Twilight set her horn on it as well, and her more powerful magic quickly wrested the box back to the ground. "It's for everypony," she said firmly. "Let's pretend it says 'in town', all right? 'In town'."

Rarity chuckled. "If you say so. Go ahead, then, Twilight."

Twilight thought. "Well… wow, I really don't know. I don't really know many of the stallions in town. Who are the most eligible ones?"

Rainbow and Fluttershy both perked up at the question, and in unison said, "Big Macintosh!"

Startled, they gaped at each other. Applejack, meanwhile, spat out the glass of water she had just been drinking. "Say WHAT?" she demanded.

"Oh, come on, Applejack," Rainbow Dash said calmly. "Everypony knows Big Mac gets all the ladies."

"Since when?" Applejack said skeptically.

"I don't know, at least as long as I've lived here," Rainbow said, shrugging. "Sometimes I find myself thinking, you know what this guy is? He's an enigma. A mountain that a mare feels she's just gotta climb."

Applejack stared.

"You know, metaphorically," Rainbow said hastily. "I mean, metaphysically. No, no, wait, it's metaphorically. Had it right the first time. Metaphorically… climb him. Heh… hehe…"

Applejack's eye twitched.

"Um, anyway, like I was sayin'…" Rainbow said nervously. "I figure he's the kind of guy, you just know he's got the fillies chasing his tail at every turn. You know, 'cause he's big, muscley, quiet, kinda strange…"

"Oh, that is it!" Applejack said, standing up. "Twilight, where do you keep the liquor?"

Twilight blinked. "Um… I'll break out a champagne bottle if you stop doing whatever it is you're doing with your nostrils just there."

"All right, done," Applejack said calmly. "Lead the way."

Twilight and Applejack departed for the kitchen together. Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy. "So, you got the hots for Big Mac too, huh?"

"Oh, well… who doesn't?" Fluttershy replied, giggling. "I remember the first time I ever saw him. He was tending to the orchards. Being so gentle with the fruits, I could tell that he cared for plants as much as I do for animals. And… and I remember thinking, is this the stallion I've been searching for? And then thinking, no, of course not. Surely other mares, mares much more outgoing than me, have noticed the level of his… perfection." The last word was barely a peep.

Sensing that Fluttershy needed comforting, Rainbow resumed massaging her back. A moment later, she stood on two legs in mock celebration. "I lose!" she whooped.

"What?" Fluttershy said blankly.

Rainbow bowed. "As is par for the course, I'm shallow, with a big old side of ''cause it's there'. But you? You've got a real reason to like him, a connection with who he is and what he does. And I'm gonna help you land him!"

"Um, really?" Fluttershy said.

"Sure! I mean, I could be wrong, I might be totally projecting, but it sounds to me like you might actually be in love with the big guy."

Fluttershy's face flushed. "Oh, that's stretching the truth just a… just a little bit…" Her voice trailed off as if something had just occurred to her, and she burst into tears.

"There, there," Rainbow whispered. "Dash is here for ya…"

Twilight and Applejack returned with the champagne. "Um, hey Twilight?" Rainbow Dash said. "Can we cut the game short? I think we've traumatized Fluttershy enough for one night."

"Well…" Twilight said anxiously, noticing Fluttershy's state. "If she wants to get herself off to bed now, I guess that's fine… maybe we all should…"

"Aw, I wanted to take my turn!" Pinkie protested.

Twilight raised her eyebrows. "Well?" she prompted.

"Well, I was gonna talk about Big Macintosh, but—"

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud!" Applejack snarled, throwing her hooves into the air. "Is there anythin' else I don't know about my immediate family that y'all'd like to fill me in on? What the hay kind of nonsense is this?"

"But… Applejack," Twilight said gently. "You must have known that your brother is an extremely attractive stallion."

"How do I know?" Applejack fumed. "He's my brother!"

"Okay, this has really gone far enough," Rainbow interjected. "I'm taking Fluttershy upstairs before a gunfight breaks out." Supporting Fluttershy, she took to the air and sped to the upper floor. "We call Twilight's bed!" she shouted as she zipped away.

"Wait… both of you?" Twilight called up. "You can't both call my bed!"

"Just did," Rainbow's voice replied from upstairs.

"But it's my bed," Twilight grumbled.

"Try and drag us out of it," Rainbow Dash retorted.

Applejack chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I'm gonna hit the hay too. Pinkie, help me haul in that old mattress."

As the pair of them left, Twilight and Rarity started upstairs to the spare bed.

"I admit that's not what I was expecting when I whipped out those cards," Twilight confided. "I thought we were all adults, but instead all this schoolfilly drama started cropping up…"

"Oh, not at all!" Rarity said, surprised. "There were some very adult emotions behind this whole scene. I know just what they're talking about, and why they feel the way they do."

"Do fill me in," Twilight said, genuinely eager to hear about it.

"Well," Rarity began, "I don't have a brother, but I can see why it drives Applejack crazy, the notion of her brother… being… well, you know. He's hardly an immoral pony, far from it, but it is true that many a filly in Ponyville would give their tails and hooves just to get an 'eeyup' in their direction. And Applejack is bothered by this, which you can understand. Even you objected, at least a little, to the very idea of your brother getting married. Is that fair to say?"

"Hmm… I suppose," Twilight said. "How do you know this stuff, Rarity? Do you have a psychology degree you never told us about?"

"Well, I do have a very nice couch, but that's about as far as it goes," Rarity said. "I mostly understand this situation." Having reached Twilight's spacious room, Rarity lowered her voice. "You see, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are exactly right about Big Macintosh being a prize. Several years ago, I had the fortune of running into him at the annual hoedown. I managed to strike up a conversation with him, and we… danced."

"Danced?" Twilight repeated, matching Rarity's tone curiously.

"Yes, danced," Rarity repeated, slipping elegantly into the spare bed while avoiding Twilight's eye.

"Um, your eyes look kinda shifty there," Twilight said. "When you say 'danced'…"

"It's a euphemism, yes," Rarity said snippily. "We spent the night at my place. Okay? I regret that part of my life. The point is, he was extremely polite about the whole thing… and I can say from experience that the local girls are right to admire him."

Twilight clambered into bed, her brow furrowed as she attempted to process a few things at once. "You regret which part of your life, exactly?" she said.

"You know… my college days."

Twilight still didn't understand. "What, you mean non-stop studying? A lust for new things to learn?"

"Hmm, well, you got 'non-stop lust' right…" Rarity mused.

"Where the heck did you go to college?" Twilight muttered.

"Someplace normal," Rarity replied irritably. "Where did you go to college?"

"SGU. You know, the School for Gifted Unicorns. As in, Princess Celestia's."

"Well, of course," Rarity scoffed. "You were all right under the nose of the princess, there would be no hanky-panky at that place…"

Twilight was now more confused than ever, still stuck on the part of the conversation where Rarity and Big Mac had spent a night together. "Um… what is 'hanky-panky'?" she asked.

"Go to bed, Twilight."

"Um… okay," Twilight said.

The lanterns were doused, and the town of Ponyville was quiet.

A few minutes later, a tiny speck of light appeared on the tip of Twilight's horn as she floated a quill and parchment above her head.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Friendship produces no shortage of interesting questions. This means, of course, that my studies will never end, which I'm sure was exactly your intention.

I'm writing to ask you about a very special project I'm hoping to undertake…

Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"This is DJ P0n-3 hoping you had a rockin' trot to work! And now, for your listening pleasure, a band so awesome I'm not even allowed to say their name on the radio, playing the song that's the biggest smash hit Canterlot's seen in a very long time—their very own single, 'By the Blades of Her Eyes'."

Twilight entered Sugarcube Corner, with Spike in tow and repeatedly scanning a letter she had received that morning.

"Hi, Twilight!" Pinkie called from behind the counter.

"Hello, Pinkie," Twilight said. "And hello to you, baby Cakes!"

Sitting happily on Pinkie Pie's back, Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake giggled in response.

"You know, you are really good with them," Twilight said, beaming.

"Thanks!" Pinkie said. "Hey, check out what I taught them—we've been working on it…" She cleared her throat and turned to the twins, pulling a hilariously grotesque face and shouting "WHAZZUP!"

"WHAZZUP!" Pound Cake echoed, making the same face.

"WHAZZUP!" Pumpkin added, finishing off the three-part harmony.

Twilight laughed aloud. "That is funny… and so wildly inappropriate. Wildly inappropriate, yet funny."

"That's what I was going for," Pinkie said. "Can I offer you something this morning? We've got fresh crepes!"

"And they smell delicious," Twilight said. "A couple of those for both of us would be delightful."

"Okay!" Pinkie said. "Spike, you want yours garnished with sapphires? Maybe a bit of gold leaf?"

Spike, who had been absently bopping along to the radio, raised his head. "Gold leaf?" he repeated. "You so know me!"

Pinkie gathered up some plates and napkins. "Whatcha readin'?" she asked Twilight.

"Well," Twilight said proudly, "after a couple of days of discussing the terms and looking for precedents, the princess has okayed my 'magic of romantic love' project."

"Ooh, that is so cool!"

"Yep, I'm very engaged in this," Twilight said, nodding. "Once Cadance is back from the honeymoon in Shetland, I'll be corresponding with her, finding out how she does it all. Princess Celestia has pointed me toward some of the books on the subject." She produced one from her saddlebag.

Pinkie read the title as she placed the crepes in front of Twilight and Spike. "101 Ways To Succeed With Fillies… 'fillies'?" she repeated, wrinkling her nose. "What, are you gonna pick up little kids?"

"That was my reaction too," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "It's annoyingly archaic, but it'll serve my purposes once I've translated it into less offensive terms. And then, for the hooves-on approach, I will be hitting the dating scene ASAP."

"That's awesome, Twilight," Pinkie Pie said sincerely. "Just don't neglect your friendship studies while you're doing it!" She pouted at Twilight, her eyes impossibly enormous.

Twilight laughed. "Point taken… and don't worry about that. I've been doing that research for far too long to forget about it now… or ever."

The bell rang as the front door to Sugarcube Corner opened. "Morning, Zecora!" Pinkie said brightly. "Your usual?"

"Please," Zecora replied graciously.

"So," Twilight pondered. "How exactly does one 'hit the dating scene'?"

"Uh, I dunno," Pinkie said with a giggle. "It's just like making friends, I guess. Here you go, Z."

She passed a coffee cup to Zecora. Zecora uncapped it, releasing a cloud of blue smoke, which she inhaled quickly, appearing utterly contented.

"It's not that easy," Twilight said. "I'm not like you, Pinkie. I can't just waltz up to somepony and start asking questions… I honestly don't have the faintest idea of where to begin, and no matter how academically I approach it I can't figure it out."

"Well, have you tried thinking about it not-academically?" Pinkie said. "It's just an extension of making friends. I do that all the time, and I never studied jack squat." She leaned toward Twilight seriously. "Friendship sticks, Twi, and not just the kind that comes after you've saved Equestria together. You've got lots of friends who didn't save Equestria with you. Like Zecora here, or Cheerilee."

"So… you're saying I should approach dating in the same way I approached them?" Twilight said. "Just… casually? I guess the comparison fits, but it just seems like something's missing… what do you think, Zecora?"

Still sipping, Zecora lifted her eyes toward Twilight. "Hmm?"

"I need everypony's perspective on this," Twilight said. "And you know how difficult getting close to others can be… what would you suggest?"

Zecora stirred her drink as she thought about it, then recited: "When going about your day, or at popular haunts, one must act like a pony who knows what she wants."

Twilight blinked in surprise, then quickly wrote that down.

"'Tis not perfect advice, just my best," Zecora said. "Tell me, your talk of romance, why the sudden interest?"

"Oh, lots of reasons," Twilight said quietly. "Do you ever think about a legacy, Zecora? Stuff like who'll tend to the alchemy shop when you're gone? If future ponies forget about our works, then… then they'll forget about us."

Zecora laughed. "You need not be concerned by such morbid stuff—you've shaped the future of Equestria quite enough."

"True," Twilight said, grinning. "I guess I'll be in the history books… still, it's not just a legacy. It's…" She waved a hoof absently, trying to find the words.

"Lineage," Zecora supplied.

"Yes!" Twilight said. "That's it…"

"To place not merely your deeds, but your very self, into the far future," Zecora said. "So ponies may say, I am a descendant of Twilight Sparkle, to be sure."

"Something like that," Twilight agreed, beaming. "I mean, let's not put the cart before ourselves, as they say! Step one is to start dating somepony, and there are a lot of mysteries to unravel on that subject…"

Zecora looked over Twilight fondly. "And then, your perfect match, who shares your goals, and knows the deepest secrets of your soul. You and he'd be quite the sight; I wish you luck, dearest Twilight."

"Thank you," Twilight said. "My perfect match… I remember the spark of realizing I had friends, how good that felt. I can't wait for the spark of falling in love. And then…" She paused dramatically. "Then we can make charts!"

"Charts?" Spike said blankly.

"Charts, to find out if we're genetically compatible, and about our family histories, it'll just be so romantic…" Twilight gushed.

"Genetically compatible?" Spike repeated. "Heh. Don't tell Sweetie Belle that, or I'm screwed forever…"

"Oh, Spike," Twilight said gently. "I know it might seem like that now, but you need to realize—wait a minute, did you say Sweetie Belle?"

Spike blinked. "Huh, I guess I did. Well, we really hit it off at the wedding, did you see?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "So… no more Rarity?"

"Rarity? Eh, I figured I'd quit while I'm ahead," Spike said casually. "I've got her right where I want her, so now it's time to open up my options."

Twilight chuckled quietly. "Right. I'm sure that was your thought process."

"Totally was."

Twilight thought about it for a moment. Spike and Sweetie Belle were, in chronological terms, the same age, and that was at least a start…

"Sweetie Belle is super-nice," Spike went on. "And cute! You ever notice, she looks exactly like a kind of a mini-Rarity…"

"Whoa, whoa, back up," Twilight said sharply. "Spike, as your guardian, I am not going to let that comment slide. You can't just…"

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that!" Spike said, waving his claws frantically. "I'm not saying she's some cheap Rarity replica. I am perceptive enough to realize she's special in her own way, Miss 'I-think-Spike's-an-emotionally-stunted-twerp'. 'Cause I'm not, you know."

"Ah… heh," Twilight said. "Of course you're not. On record, though, you are a baby dragon. You can ask anypony. I will be making some decisions for you, Spike."

"Yeah, I know," Spike said.

"Good… good," Twilight said. "I'm glad you're setting more realistic goals for your love life, at any rate. But, you know, about Rarity…" Twilight stopped herself. Why would I tell him what Rarity said at the sleepover? That's just silly… "You know what, never mind."

"Hmm?" Spike said, confused. "What were you about to say?"

"Something absurd, just forget it," Twilight muttered.

The door chime rang again, and Fluttershy poked her head into the shop. "Twilight?" she said.

"Yeah, Fluttershy?" Twilight said.

"Well, I think I'm done agonizing now," Fluttershy said brightly. "I'm gonna do it… I'm gonna ask Big Macintosh to go out with me."

"That's wonderful!"

"Could you, um… accompany me?" Fluttershy asked.

"Why?" Twilight said, surprised.

"Well, I… first of all, I need some backup," Fluttershy said. "I can't do this all by myself… and I thought you'd be perfect, 'cause, you have the academic interest and you also want that special connection with somepony, so I thought you'd want to tag along and take notes. No matter how badly I fail, it's sure to be informative…" Her voice trailed off.

"Fluttershy," Twilight said firmly, walking over to her. "Don't go into it thinking you're going to fail. Everypony who knows you loves you, Fluttershy… he'll adore you."

Fluttershy took a deep breath in, then nodded, signaling she was ready to go.

"Okay," Twilight said. "Spike, you'll be all right by yourself for a little while?"

He nodded.

"Great," Twilight said.

Just outside, they crossed paths with Derpy.

"Oh, Derpy, have you dropped off my mail?" Twilight asked.

"Uh-huh," Derpy replied. Even her mailbag was somehow being carried in a quirky manner. "You got that new book you've been waiting for."

"Oh, good," Twilight said. "Wow, I ordered it weeks ago, why didn't it come sooner?"

"Oh, I took it so I could read it," Derpy said. "I'm done now, so I packaged it up again and, eh, now it's been delivered."

Twilight frowned. "Um… Derpy, not to alarm you, but that's technically a federal crime."

"Oh," Derpy said. "Um… sorry."

"No, no, it's okay," Twilight said. "But couldn't you have just waited for me to put it on the shelf so you could rent it?"

"Hmm, hadn't thought of that," Derpy said. "That's a good idea. See, that's why you run the library." She hugged Twilight tightly, and Twilight couldn't help but smile and hug her back.

"Have a good day, Derpy," Twilight said.

"See you guys later," Derpy said, fluttering into Sugarcube Corner. "Morning, Pinkie Pie," they heard her say. "I got your mail here…"

After Twilight and Fluttershy had been walking for a few more seconds, they heard Pinkie's voice, breaking through the walls with her excitement.

"A letter? For me? From Inkie Pie? SHE'S COMING HERE? YAHOOOOOOO!"

Twilight and Fluttershy exchanged glances and broke out laughing.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

At Sweet Apple Acres, Big Macintosh was atop a ladder, trimming the branches of a tree. Twilight and Fluttershy stayed concealed as they made their plans.

"How do we start?" Fluttershy said. "I should just be honest with him, right? Tell him that I've been watching him for a long time, and…"

Twilight flinched. "Yikes, even I know you don't open with that," she said, flipping through the book. "Look, he's your friend, isn't he? Just strike up a conversation… and then work in your proposal to take it a step further. See, that's where you have the edge. I don't even know anypony I'd want to go out with… but you, you really do know exactly what you want. Don't you?"

"Right," Fluttershy said. "What am I so nervous about? It's all words, just words." She stepped into the open. "I just march over there and say, 'Big Mac, I'd like you to go out with me!'" She turned on her heel and walked back to Twilight. "I can't say that, that's just ridiculous."

"Um, Fluttershy…" Twilight said nervously.

"I mean, I don't even know him, not really," Fluttershy said, pacing back and forth. "And he certainly doesn't have any clue who I am, to him I'm probably just the droopy girl who hangs out with his sister. What measure am I when he's got every flingin'-flangin' mare in Ponyville to occupy his attention—oh, I hear what you're saying!" she said sharply, raising one hoof in declaration. "I'll never know if I don't try. How often do I drill that into everypony else, and then—"

"Fluttershy—" Twilight tried to interject.

"Don't try to change my mind!" Fluttershy snapped, her wings bristling. "I have to do this! I have to!"

"Uh…" Twilight said, confused.

"I have to," Fluttershy announced, rising into the air, "because I'm so brain-explodingly in love with him that I'll just up and go insane if somepony else snaps him up!"

"Listen, Fluttershy…"

"Of course," Fluttershy said, her tone now quiet but so sorrowful that Twilight had to stop. "Of course, somepony else is gonna snap him up no matter what I do. I've always known that. I'm… I'm just not that special, damn it." She dropped to the ground, hanging her head. "You know what, never mind, just take me home."

Twilight didn't respond. "…Twilight?" Fluttershy said, concerned.

"Um, well…" Twilight said, clearing her throat. "I've been meaning to say through your whole spiel there, and I'm not sure what this does for your plans, but, ah, he heard everything you just said."

Fluttershy was suddenly aware of a very heavy presence standing just behind and to the side of her. "Um… did he really?" she asked casually.

"Uh-huh."

"Shoot," Fluttershy muttered. "I always speak too loudly, no matter how hard I try to keep a low profile…"

There was silence for a painfully long stretch of time.

"…So, are you gonna turn around and look at him?" Twilight asked.

"Never," Fluttershy squeaked.

In response, Twilight used her magic to lift Fluttershy off the ground and rotate her, setting her on the ground so she was face-to-face with Big Macintosh.

"…Hi, Big Mac," Fluttershy forced out.

"Hey," he replied.

"That… that was really messed-up, wasn't it?" she said, smiling.

He shrugged.

Twilight raised a hoof. "So, should I back off? Give you two some space to figure this thing out?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac replied.

"Awesome!" Twilight said. She ran for cover, choosing a spot just on the edge of the Everfree Forest where she could watch without hearing what was being said, and without being seen herself.

Rainbow Dash dropped down next to her. "Well, that could have gone better," she said.

Twilight jumped in surprise. "What the… have you been…?"

"Stalking Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash supplied. "Yeah, I do it all the time. Well, not all the time. But I worry about her. You know what she does? She gets in her own way. Gets so freaked out she can't even move. And one of these days she'll need me to be there before it's a life-threatening situation and her limbs quit on her."

Twilight shrugged, figuring that that was as acceptable an excuse as she'd get.

"Really ramped up on my stalking in the past few days, though," Rainbow said after a few moments.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I mean, I get seriously concerned, Twilight. Ever since I saw her gangle into flight camp as if she was… I don't know, something really gangly. Said to myself, yep, somepony's gotta watch out for that one. Turned out to be me."

"Uh-huh."

"Fluttershy's not like the rest of us," Rainbow said seriously. "She's got no ambition, see? She's happy the way she is. Then there was the sleepover, we all put her under pressure, made her realize she's got a big old piece missing… Kinda ruined her, didn't we? Now she knows, and she can't go without. Kind of like you, Twilight."

"Hmm?" Twilight said, confused.

"Wait, wait!" Rainbow said suddenly, her eyes on Fluttershy and Big Mac.

Fluttershy and Big Mac pressed their right front hooves together and shook once, as if they were making a deal… or setting a date. They turned and departed, both looking stunningly cheerful.

"Yes!" Twilight said, pumping a hoof.

"She's in, baby," Rainbow said smugly.

"So… what did you mean, she's like me?" Twilight asked. "In which respect, exactly?"

"Well, think about it," Rainbow said. "You came here looking for magic, right? And you thought that that'd be it for you, that that'd be all you'd need. But you found something else. So, what would you do if Ponyville and all your friends were taken away from you now?"

"I would die," Twilight said simply.

Chapter 3

Chapter Three

My initial forays into the dating conundrum have confirmed that a pre-existing relationship with the pony in question is ideal, if not utterly necessary. Most sources recognize the feeling of attraction as a mild twinge in the chest cavity, accompanied by flashes of heat like the fires in a brazier. I can say with certainty that I have no acquaintance who triggers such a reaction in me. Therefore, I must expand my social circle—an act I once viewed as unnecessary but always proves exceptionally rewarding. To follow, a chronicle of the initial investments of my time.

Twilight set aside her quill and looked over her new journal entry. Satisfied, she rolled it up and gazed out the window.

"But where, where, where to begin?" she muttered.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Fluttershy, you look marvelous!" Rarity beamed.

The changes were simple; the slightest touch of eye makeup, a blown-glass butterfly decorating her mane, a pendant adorned with a rose.

"My knees won't stop chattering," Fluttershy said shakily.

"I noticed," Rainbow commented. "Figured that would happen, so I had Zecora whip this up." She passed a flask across the floor to Fluttershy.

"Oh," Fluttershy said, impressed. "Is it some kind of potion to calm my nerves?"

"It's rum and diet soda," Rainbow said, shrugging. "Drink up."

Scowling, Rarity took Rainbow aside. "Really, Rainbow Dash?" she whispered harshly. "Before the date's even begun?"

"Hey, somepony's gotta do the talking on this date, and we all know it ain't gonna be him," Rainbow said defensively. "Besides, I've seen Fluttershy drink. She just becomes pleasantly chatty, that's all. And she never—"

She paused and turned her head at a curious noise; Fluttershy was chugging down the entire flask at an alarming pace.

"Never does that, I was gonna say," Rainbow said nervously. "You okay, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy dropped the empty bottle and gave a full-bodied shudder. "Zecora's an alchemical genius," she slurred. "We should put her face on money."

"He's here!" Spike reported from the window of the boutique. "And… huh, Applejack's with him."

Fluttershy straightened up in alarm, then trotted alone out into the street. Big Macintosh looked the same as he usually did, save for the little black bow tie which seemed to be stuck to the front of his horse-collar with double-sided tape. And sure enough, Applejack was there at his side.

"Um… hi, Applejack," Fluttershy said cautiously. "Will… you be accompanying us?"

Applejack shook her head. "Just escortin' him this far. Where y'all headed?"

"Oh, just gonna catch a play," Fluttershy said casually. "Bon Bon and Lyra have put together this huge production, they say it's going to be wonderful! I hear the Mayor is in it and everything. Right, Big Mac?"

"Eeyup."

Applejack shrugged, as if defeated. "Well, all right," she said. "Stay outta trouble," she added, nudging Big Macintosh.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash joined Applejack as she watched Fluttershy and Big Mac depart down the street. At the theater on the end of the block, Big Mac opened a door for Fluttershy and stood at attention as she passed through.

"Well, ain't he the picture-perfect image of gentlemanship," Applejack commented.

"Yeah," Rainbow agreed. "Always has been. You know that, right? When I said he gets around, it kind of came out wrong. He doesn't 'get around' per se…"

"I know, Rainbow Dash, I know," Applejack assured her. "Bats his eyelashes at every filly, is all… nothin' wrong with that… anyways, just wanted to see what he was doin'. I'll catch y'all later."

"Bye," Rarity said quietly.

"See ya," Rainbow said, flying away.

Applejack started back home, but Spike raced after her. "Wait, Applejack!" he called. "I wanted to talk to you. How much do you know about olives?"

"Olives?" Applejack repeated. "Yeah, I know the Olives. Distant relatives on my mother's side. They got orchards way up north. I hear from some of 'em occasionally. There's Olive Branch, Olive Oil, Olive Loaf…"

"Hold it, stop," Spike said, raising his claws in protest. "I didn't mean the family. I meant, do you know how to take care of an olive tree? 'Cause I got this olive tree…"

"Oh, you mean actual olives," Applejack said, suddenly comprehending. "Well, olives aren't my forte, but I do have a love of all the things that grow—Sure, I could help you out."

They turned and headed for the library. "Why do you have an olive tree?" Applejack asked.

"Shining Armor sent it to me from up north," Spike explained. "He knew I had a pet, so he sent me a plant too. Trying to teach me responsibility, you know."

"Well, I'm on board with that," Applejack said. "I'll teach ya all I know."

They walked in silence for a few seconds, until Spike asked, "Olive Loaf?"

"Yeah, apparently Aunt Olive wanted a filly and… took it out on him."

"Ah."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Spike's olive tree stood, potted, in the center of the library's ground floor. "Oh, that's a beauty, all right," Applejack said. "Let me see what I can do…"

Peewee chirped from his spot on Spike's desk.

"I know," Spike assured the baby bird. "Applejack, do you think we should get it fireproofed? Just 'cause, you know, a dragon and a phoenix…"

"Well, you'll have to talk to Twilight about that, if you must," Applejack said. "But first you gotta try and accept her the way she is." She nuzzled the tree affectionately. "Okay, baby, I'm just gonna fix you up and then Spike here is gonna take care of you for a long, long time."

Spike watched, fascinated, as Applejack gently stroked the tree's branches and leaves.

"You treat trees like they're ponies," he noted.

Applejack nodded. "They are, if you know how to listen to 'em. You were talkin' earlier about pets and plants? Takin' care of a pony ain't no different."

Spike smiled. "Well, I wanna learn how to do that too!" He approached the tree and pressed a palm against the bark. "So, what's up with you, Applejack?"

Applejack chuckled bitterly. "You want the short version, or…?"

Spike shrugged. "I got time."

Applejack released a puff of air from her mouth. "It just hit me now, man. The whole 'Big Macintosh gets all the ladies' deal? What if this thing he's doin' drives a wedge 'tween me and Fluttershy? I'd hate that."

"What can you do about it?" Spike asked.

"Just gonna do my part, and hope it goes well," Applejack said. "Somepony's gotta teach him how to commit. Can't commit to nothin'… that's why he sticks to the farm, I figure. Only commitment he knows how to deal with."

"How do you know that?" Spike asked curiously.

"Easy," Applejack said. She tapped a hoof against her chest. "Runs in the family." She hung her head. "I just don't wanna see this fall apart."

Spike walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her. "None of us do," he said sincerely.

Applejack smiled and hugged him back.

Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Applejack was at Sugarcube Corner, assisting the Cakes with a big catering job. Several members of the group of friends lounged around in the front room.

Twilight had three books open in front of her, comparing notes on each of the three and jotting down her own notes in a notebook, and occasionally looking out the window at ponies passing by.

"Twilight, you're way overthinking this," Rainbow said, flapping over to her. "Stallions are one-half of the population, they're not exactly hard to find. Just close the books"—she did so, forcefully—"and get out there, go someplace there are a lot of single ponies. It's that easy."

Twilight blinked in surprise at her suddenly closed books. "You mean like a club?"

"Yes!" Rainbow said triumphantly. "A nightclub! Now you're—"

"Actually, I was thinking more like a book club," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I could start my own book club and… and charge admission! Yeah! Anypony who would be willing to pay to indulge in my interests, that's a pony I could have a lasting relationship with…"

"Okay, take it easy," Rainbow interrupted. "Overthinking again. Go where ponies already are, start with that. There's lots of places to get dates. Like a bar, or the market, or, if you happen to be a member of the Apple family, an Apple family reunion."

"Badum-tchh!" Pinkie Pie muttered, tapping out a rimshot on the counter.

Applejack chuckled darkly. "Heh heh… that's cute. Hey Rainbow Dash, come over here with that key lime pie for a minute."

Rainbow glanced at the counter. "This one?"

"That's right, bring it on over."

Rainbow gripped the edge of the pie tin in her teeth and started toward Applejack.

"Come a little closer?" Applejack said sweetly. "Perfect." She lifted her front hooves and smashed the pie into Rainbow's face.

"Objection noted," came Rainbow's muffled voice from behind the pie filling.

"Heh heh heh…"

"Er, Applejack," Mr. Cake said, "I hope you're prepared to pay for that pie…"

"You know what? It's on me," Rainbow said. "I know a good comeback when I see one. Totally worth it."

"So, Applejack," Mrs. Cake said as the farm pony came behind the counter, "how did things go between Fluttershy and that charming brother of yours?"

"The hay if I know," Applejack said, shrugging. "Big Mac came home alone, early. I didn't get a word out of him."

"Ooh, that's no good," Rainbow said with concern, wiping the pie off of her face.

Fluttershy entered the shop with a mouthful of mail, and was quickly swarmed by her eager friends.

"What happened?" Rainbow said anxiously. "How was everything?"

"It was great!" Fluttershy said, setting her mail on a table. "Really great production values for a local play. Did I mention the Mayor was in it?"

"Yeah, just a couple million times," Rainbow said impatiently. "Come on, I meant you and Big Mac. How did you part ways?"

"Oh, you know… hoofshake."

"Ooh," Rainbow said again, wincing. "That bad, eh?"

"No, no, it went wonderfully!" Fluttershy insisted. "We both had a great time, and he really listens to me, really interested in what I had to say…"

"Well then, come on!" Rainbow said. "Kiss him! Did I not get you lit enough?"

"No, no… lighting was sufficient," Fluttershy said delicately. "I just… I don't know. I'm still scared to death to try things I've never done before…"

"What, kiss? Sure you have."

"No… I haven't," Fluttershy said firmly, in a tone clearly begging Rainbow Dash not to press the point.

Rainbow pressed it anyway. "Cloudsdale High School, graduation party, class of '02," she announced. "There was making out, and you were involved."

"Doesn't count," Fluttershy said.

"Why the cumulonimbus not?"

"Well, come on, it was you," Fluttershy said, rolling her eyes. "Doesn't mean anything."

Spike began to take a sip of his milkshake, then seemed to realize exactly what Fluttershy had just said and spat it out. "What a minute, WHAT?"

"Oh," Rainbow Dash said coldly. "Didn't mean anything. I see." She turned her nose up in the air and began to strut away.

"Wait, so…" Spike muttered, "chicks actually do that?"

"W-wait," Fluttershy stammered. "…Did it mean something? Have I completely ruined your memories of it forever? I'm so sorry…"

"I thought that only happened in novels," Spike marveled.

Rainbow Dash turned around and batted Fluttershy on the nose playfully. "I'm screwing with you, Fluttershy. Of course it didn't mean anything. But couldn't you have used fond memories of that night and applied the knowledge to last night?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Spike. "Since when do you read novels?"

"I've read plenty of novels," Spike retorted.

"It wasn't that time, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said.

"So when are you going to see him again?" Rainbow pressed.

"Um… it never came up."

"Really?" Twilight said to Spike. "Are you sure? Because I've given you a number of classics to read, and you've never touched a single one of them."

"I read good novels," Spike clarified.

"Well, then, you MAKE it come up, Fluttershy," Rainbow grumbled, planting her face in a hoof.

"Can you please let me take this at my own pace?" Fluttershy squeaked. "This is scary enough as it is! Show some sensitivity. You're the one who got me into this. I'd have been perfectly content to keep these feelings suppressed and gnawing at me from the inside." With that note of finality, she began to look through her mail. "The student loan office? But I'm not prepared…"

"Oh, sure," Twilight said sarcastically. "Novels where young fillies make out with each other. Sounds real wholesome, Spike."

"It's high-quality entertainment," Spike insisted. "Just read the blurbs on the dust jacket. Blurbs by ponies I've actually heard of…"

"Wait," Fluttershy whispered, looking at the envelope at the bottom of her pile. "Is this a letter from Big Macintosh?"

Applejack perked up. "What?"

"It is," Fluttershy said with wonder. "It's—wow! He must have sent it yesterday morning, so it would arrive today… oh, that is so sweet! I am not gonna make him regret this!"

"Spike, I am so searching your possessions when we get home," Twilight warned.

"Fine, go ahead," Spike said dismissively. "I thought you'd be glad I'm reading. There's no pleasing you, is there?"

"STOP!" Pinkie shrieked. "STOP IT! ALL OF YOU, STOP IT!" She stepped out into the middle of the room. "I've got something to say here." She looked around, making sure she had the attention of all present. "You know what really bugs me? I'll tell you what really bugs me. When you pull a gun on somepony and you go, 'Dodge this!' and… and then they do. Highly anticlimactic and frankly, downright inconsiderate."

There was a heavy silence.

"May I be the first to say, WHAT?" Rainbow supplied.

"I'm sorry!" Pinkie wailed. "It was all I could think of to say! I don't know what's going on here, I can't follow two conversations at once! And Fluttershy, what was with that non-sequitur about the student loan office? That's just silly…"

"Yeah, Pinkie," Twilight said dryly, "we all know that silly non-sequiturs are completely foreign to you."

"Shush," Pinkie said. "Now, we're gonna hear from everypony one at a time here! Fluttershy, what's going on with you?"

"Big Macintosh sent me a letter," Fluttershy said happily. "Isn't that sweet?"

"What's it say?" Pinkie asked.

Fluttershy eagerly explained. "It says that even though he doesn't know what we did last night—because he wrote it yesterday morning—he wants to see me again today. Oh, but it doesn't matter what the letter says. Just that he went to the trouble—my mother always used to say nopony writes letters anymore." She lit up suddenly. "This is why we didn't make plans for next time! He wanted me to get this first! And… oh, actions really do speak louder than words…"

"They do?" Pinkie said, as if this was genuine news to her. "Wow, in that case, Big Macintosh is friggin' LOUD! Somepony shut him up! Rainbow Dash, what do you think of all this?"

"Well, I was concerned…" Rainbow said slowly, "that Fluttershy could've done better on her date. But, well, the letter is a sweet gesture. Maybe we can pick this thing up, and it'll stick."

"Good, good," Pinkie said, nodding. "Applejack?"

Applejack shrugged. "I got nothin'."

"Okay, other conversation," Pinkie said. "Twilight? What's eating you?"

"I think Spike is enjoying entertainment that's not really age-appropriate," Twilight announced.

"Spike? Your thoughts?"

"My thoughts?" Spike said. "I'd say Twilight's gotta mellow out a bit. She's the kind of pony who thinks 'adult situations' should mean paying taxes and getting kidney stones. She ought to loosen up and have some fun!"

Twilight exhaled sharply through her nose. "I… okay, Spike. Maybe we can discuss this in more civil tones, sometime later. Sorry I snapped at you. I've been doing that a lot lately, huh?"

"Nah, you've been great," Spike said. "You've just been starting a difficult new project. Of course you're on edge."

"Thanks," Twilight said, beaming. "Thanks for understanding that, and—"

"And hopefully," Spike interrupted, "this project will turn your life into one of the books I've been reading. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to relocate my stash." He bobbed out of the shop.

"What, and WHAT?" Twilight demanded, running after him.

"Am I a mediator or what?" Pinkie said smugly.

"Eh, no," Rainbow replied.

"Okay," Pinkie submitted.

"I liked it!" Mr. Cake piped in.

Chapter 5

Chapter Five

RING!

"Okay, my little ponies," Cheerilee said through a smile that was a bit forced, unusually for her. "Class is out for the day… I'd like to thank Powder Keg and Short Fuse for that very spirited session of the debate team…"

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo trudged down the stairs of the schoolhouse, covered in ashes.

"Ugh, my mouth was open and everything," Scootaloo complained. "I'll be picking splinters out of my cheeks for months…"

Twist and Truffle Shuffle bobbed happily after the trio. "Hi, girlth!" Twist said cheerfully. "Doing thome cruthading?"

Apple Bloom winced. "Ugh, not today, Twist. We spent the weekend running mini-triathlons, and we're plumb tuckered out."

Twist tilted her head. "Mini-what?"

"A mini-triathlon," Apple Bloom said. "A hundred feet of swimming, a mile of biking, a thousand feet of running." Seeing that Twist still looked confused, Apple Bloom protested, "Well, I'd like to see you do a real triathlon!"

"One for the history books," came the lilting sneer of Diamond Tiara. "At least you've proved something: that there's no cutie mark that represents sucking."

Apple Bloom snorted. "Is that all? Not cool, Diamond Tiara. This is no time for your B-grade material. We expect real zingers from you."

"Please, you know my good stuff would send you home crying," Diamond Tiara sneered, shoving past them.

Silver Spoon came level with the Crusaders and their friends. "I've just about had enough of her," she whispered confidentially.

"Really?" Sweetie Belle said, surprised. "Then why do you still hang out with her?"

"She's my best friend, isn't she?" Silver Spoon retorted. "But I swear, if she goes, like, completely all queen bee on me, gets her own chariot or a nose job or whatever, I am so out. Will you guys be my backup friends?"

"Huh?" Apple Bloom said, alarmed.

"You know, for when I get sick of Tiara."

"Yeah, we'll get right on that," Apple Bloom said snidely.

"Hmph!" Silver Spoon said. "Fine, be bitchy."

"Come ON, Silver Spoon!" Diamond Tiara shrieked from up ahead.

"On my way," Silver Spoon growled, trotting ahead.

Truffle Shuffle stepped in front of the Crusaders and unloaded his saddlebag. "You ladies need some cheering up!" he said. "Anypony want a slice of wedding cake?"

He whipped something out of the saddlebag, a huge slice of cake, with a second, smaller slice mounted atop it, and a third, and a fourth…

"Whoa…" the Crusaders said in unison, gaping up at it.

Twist giggled. "I can make a tathtier treat than that."

"Is that so?" Truffle Shuffle said. "Well, then, let's go to Sugarcube Corner—I bet they let us use the kitchen again."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sweetie Belle left the other Crusaders at the table, crossing over to the counter to get some muffins.

"Be just a minute, dear," Mrs. Cake told Sweetie Belle, departing for the kitchen.

Spike spotted his opportunity. He hopped up onto a stool next to her.

"Hi, Sweetie Belle," he said.

"Oh… hi, Spike," she said, surprised.

Spike grinned, brushing back the spikes on his head. "So… you come around here often?"

She blinked, surprised. "Um… you know I do, Spike."

"Mm-hmm," he said, bobbing his head. "Well, uh, I picked the music, you know." He nodded to the record player. "It's Przewalski. You know, the new alternative band that came out of Canterlot?"

"Yeah, my mom got me that record."

"Oh," Spike said, disappointed. "So you've already heard the whole thing… Still, it's good."

"Yeah, good music," Sweetie Belle agreed. "So, Spike… what are you up to?"

"Been reading."

"Yeah?"

"Totally."

Sweetie Belle waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. "Reading what?" she pressed.

"Oh, you know… stuff. And… junk. What's up with you?"

"I'm in the school play," Sweetie Belle said proudly.

"Ooh, is it a musical?" Spike said eagerly.

"Uh, yeah, but I'm not singing," Sweetie Belle mumbled. "You know how I am with crowds…"

"That's crazy," Spike said. "Is my face too close for you?"

Sweetie Belle turned her head, and was surprised to see Spike's nose pressed right up against hers.

"Erm… yeah?" she said nervously.

"Cool," he said, not shifting his position at all, but wagging his eyebrows to the beat.

Mrs. Cake placed a tray of muffins on the counter, and Sweetie Belle tore her eyes away from Spike's. "I'm gonna go," she said.

"Okay," Spike gushed.

Sweetie Belle grabbed a few muffins and began the walk back to her table. She turned to see Spike, still staring after her with a goofy grin.

"That certainly is odd," she muttered to herself.

At the table, Scootaloo sidled up to Apple Bloom. "So," she said. "What are we doing this week?"

"I dunno," Apple Bloom said absently. "Waiting, I guess."

"Waiting?"

"Y'know, maybe everypony's right," Apple Bloom said sadly. "Maybe we can't force the whole cutie mark deal on ourselves."

"But Apple Bloom, we've been working so hard with no results!" Scootaloo said in disbelief. "How is not working for it gonna improve the odds? That's just bad logic!"

Apple Bloom shook her head. "Maybe by all this trying for cutie marks, we're just tempting fate into holdin' out on us. We're defyin' nature by not waiting. I'm just so… tired." She pressed her forehead against the table. "I'm ready to just start waiting, like a pony's s'posed to."

"But… but… you can't!" Scootaloo gasped. "You can't just give up! How else are you going to know what you were put on this world for?"

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "This is about how you still can't fly, isn't it?"

"It's connected," Scootaloo snarled. "When I get my cutie mark, I'll start zipping around like the dickens, not a minute earlier or later, I can feel it."

"Well, good luck to ya, then," Apple Bloom said. "But I'm done." She pushed away the table and dropped to the ground. "I'm out of the Crusaders."

"What, again?"

"But Apple Bloom…" Sweetie Belle began.

"You two should quit too," Apple Bloom interrupted. "Let's just live our lives. Aren't you tired of all pain, no gain? I'm for real this time—I've had enough of cutie marks. I'll see you gals at school tomorrow."

Apple Bloom tromped gloomily out of Sugarcube Corner.

"Easy for her to say," Scootaloo said, annoyed. "She knows she's gonna work the apple orchards, am I right? Basically, it's guaranteed! Me… I don't know what my destiny is. I don't even know what I'm gonna do now."

"It's okay, Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle said. "She's still our friend… she'll come back. Unless this 'waiting' thing actually gets her her cutie mark."

Scootaloo chuckled. "Yeah… that would be pretty silly."

Chapter 6

Chapter Six

DJ P0n-3 waited for her cue, for the now-familiar song to end. "And we're back!" she said in her lilting, exaggerated Cockney accent. "That, in case you haven't been anywhere near a radio in the past month, was a piece called 'By the Blades of Her Eyes', the surprise hit that's determined to beat down the city of Canterlot and take it by siege. And speaking of Canterlot, my guest this morning is a member of the Canterlot Royal Orchestra, but also a fine solo artist on her own—please welcome, Ponyville native and my close personal friend, Octavia. Hello, Octavia."

"Hello, Vinyl," the elegant and aloof mare said, nodding and straightening her bow tie. "Good to be back at my first home."

"Eh, yeah," the DJ said, peering over her shades at Octavia, "don't call me Vinyl, mate. The name's DJ P0n-3."

Octavia blinked. "I'm not calling you that. I'm classy."

"Oh, is that so?" the DJ said with a smirk. "Pretentious, are we? Well, here's a pretentious piece of trivia for our listeners: you, Octavia, are just shy of releasing your… I believe, fourth studio album?"

"That's correct."

"Fascinating," the DJ said dismissively. "And how does it differ from your first three albums? Not at all? Okay, on to today's musical selection…"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Octavia said, leaning in closer to the microphone. "Don't dismiss me like that, Ponzi, you wanted to talk, let's talk."

"That's P0n-3, and fine. Tell us about your material, or whatever. If you must."

Octavia chuckled. "Well, it's mostly classical pieces, performed by myself. There's also the occasional delightful collaboration, which I think fans will enjoy, with some very multitalented artists I was privileged to work with…"

Above the recording booth, Twilight and Pinkie watched the session from an observation deck on the second floor.

"Um, Pinkie?" Twilight said. "This is fascinating and everything, but tell me again why we're here?"

"Shh-shh-shh," Pinkie hissed gleefully. "They're sure to let it slip eventually. Just wait for it!"

"For how much longer?" Twilight asked. "I have a date."

"Oh, you do?" Pinkie said gleefully. "Cool! Okay, don't worry, this shouldn't take long…"

"Octavia, how do you respond to ponies who say there's no more market for classical music?"

"Well, that's just silly," Octavia said simply. "Classical music, by definition, can never die. The melodies and instrumentation of classical songs are what fuel every piece of music that exists today, from the birth of the blues and rock n' roll, all the way to modern alt-rock like the band you just played, Przewalski, it all owes itself to the appeal inherent in classical music."

DJ P0n-3 looked around nervously. "Erm… you can't say the 'P-R-Z' word on the radio, Inkie Pie."

Octavia paused for a moment. "Oh. Um… really?"

"Yeah, according to my censors, it's an archaic sort of curse, but it's still a curse."

"Oh," Octavia said again. "Bold of them to use it as a band name."

"Wasn't it, though?"

Twilight turned to Pinkie, surprised. "Inkie Pie? Your sister is Octavia?"

Pinkie grinned broadly and bounced up and down. "You betcha!"

"That's amazing!" Twilight laughed. "I can't believe I didn't know that. She's good… I mean, really good! You have so many records, Pinkie, why haven't I ever heard you play hers?"

Pinkie shrugged, embarrassed. "Slow songs. Not my kind of party. But don't tell Inkie that! I'm the supportive one in the family! The one who appreciates her!"

"Gotcha," Twilight said, nodding.

"You're killing me, Octavia," DJ P0n-3 was saying in exasperation. "Could you stop swearing?"

"We're, um, tape-delayed, right?" Octavia asked, beginning to look somewhat nervous.

"No, we are live."

"Damn!"

"Octavia!" DJ P0n-3 gasped. "You're gonna get my show cancelled, miss 'fancy-talk'. This is outrageous. A regular Ponyville scandal!"

"Well, erm, maybe everypony will be occupied by the scandal that we've said each other's names?" Octavia suggested with a toothy grin.

"It's our only hope," the DJ said earnestly. "You heard it here first, my little ponies. DJ P0n-3 and Octavia are, in fact, Vinyl Scratch and Inkie Pie. Isn't that crazy?"

"It's crazy," Octavia said, straining to sound cheerful.

Both of them chuckled awkwardly, trying to fill the silence.

"Anyway…" DJ P0n-3 muttered, "erm, let's go back to today's musical selection. The next number is my own production, sampled from an original piece by Octavia here, totally without her permission. If she doesn't sue me to death right now, you might see this next song on my second album. Listeners, tune in this time tomorrow to hear mine and Octavia's conversation continue. Octavia, good to have you here."

"Nice to see you again, Vinyl," Octavia said cordially. "I'll be back tomorrow."

The music was fired up; Octavia and DJ P0n-3 hugged before Octavia left the recording booth and proceeded through the hallway.

"INKIE PIE!" Pinkie shrieked, hurtling toward her sister at an impossible speed and knocking her to the ground.

"Hello, Pinkamena," Octavia laughed, getting to her hooves. "It's been a while."

"Oh, too long, sis, too long!" Pinkie said, dancing on the spot. "You know what this calls for?"

"A party?" Octavia suggested dryly.

"A PA—ooooh! Our reputations precede us! Here, Inkie, you talk to Twilight while I get the party ready!" She zipped out the door of Ponyville's radio station.

"Aah, it really has been too long," Octavia said fondly. "Hello, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight straightened in surprise. "Um, hi! I didn't… do you know me?"

Octavia shrugged. "We've crossed paths. You used to live at the castle, yes? And I play the castle regularly. I don't think we've ever been formally introduced, though. It's nice to finally meet you."

"You too," Twilight said. "I, um… wow, you're so elegant and professional, I'm, uh… anyway! I have all three of your studio albums! But, you know, who the hay doesn't…"

"Oh, you're too kind," Octavia said. "Do be honest, Twilight: nopony ever became famous playing the cello."

"Well, if anypony did, you're that pony," Twilight pointed out. "Oh my goodness, are you walking with me? That's so amazing—ooh, you know, I have so many questions about what Pinkie Pie was like when you were young…"

"Oh?" Octavia said, smirking. "If you know her well, I imagine you have more questions about what she's like now…"

"No, I pretty much run with her," Twilight said. "But where to begin…? Well, for starters, what exactly is the purpose of a rock farm?"

"A what now?" Octavia said, confused.

"A rock farm. Pinkie says you grew up on a rock farm."

Octavia laughed and rolled her eyes. "Pinkie's prone to exaggeration, as I'm sure I don't need to tell you. It was a sweet potato farm. We grew sweet potatoes."

"Ah," Twilight said, embarrassed. "That makes a lot more sense."

"Pinkie was miserable on that farm," Octavia said introspectively. "You wouldn't believe how quickly she fled to Ponyville proper, as soon as she was able. I wasn't so fond of the place either—it was all the way to Canterlot for me, as you know. Blinkie Pie is still on the farm… I think she'll be taking it over from Mom and Dad."

"Mm-hmm," Twilight said thoughtfully. "So, put that together, and I guess that makes Blinkie Pie… the crazy one."

Octavia snorted and broke out laughing. "Oh, that's good! Very clever, Twilight Sparkle. That's funny. So, I hear you're a magical researcher. The magic of friendship, if I'm not mistaken. What are you working on now?"

Twilight cleared her throat and lifted her head proudly, always grateful for a chance to discuss her research. "Well, I'm taking a small deviation from my friendship studies to examine the effects of romantic love."

"Oh? That's interesting. And how's that progressing?"

"It was going poorly at first," Twilight admitted. "But I do have a date for lunch today, so that's progress! I think it'll look up."

"Well, best of luck to you," Octavia said, pushing out the studio doors and into the streets of Ponyville. "Ah, I know I left, but I do love Ponyville. A far cry from the hustle and bustle that is Canterlot… a chance to relax, to lay low for a while."

"HEY, EVERYPONY!" came Pinkie's voice from somewhere. "MY ULTRA-FAMOUS SISTER OCTAVIA IS HERE! AUTOGRAPHS ALL AROUND!"

"Oh, Przewalski," Octavia cursed.

Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Twilight set off on her date, feeling hopeful as she took her place in the outdoor café.

Two hours of his rambling later, she didn't feel quite as optimistic about her project.

"And like I was sayin', I'm pretty sure I'm sterile," he said. "'Cause, you know, mule."

"Uh-huh."

"And if I wasn't born that way, twenty years of working at the Ponyville Hydromagical Nuke-ular Power Plant hasn't helped…"

"Nuclear," Twilight corrected irritably.

The mule raised an eyebrow. "Oh, now you say somethin' meaningful."

"Half the population of Ponyville mispronounces it," Twilight said, shrugging. "'Nuke-ular'. I mean, how do you make that mistake? It drives me crazy."

"And that's what turns you off? Not that I've already said I'm sterile?"

Twilight shrugged. "Hey, I'm just trying to be open-minded about all of this."

"Open-minded? Well, hey, we've been here for a couple of hours now… If you're open-minded, what do you say we hop a train to Las Pegasus and push this bitch into Act Two?"

Twilight grimaced. "Eh. I'm not that open-minded." She looked around, trying to find something, anything, to get her out of there. Finding nothing, she said, "I think I should go."

"Will I see you again?" the mule said hopefully.

"Well, Ponyville's a small town and you have a tendency to turn up whenever somepony makes a mule joke, so probably," Twilight said cheerfully.

"That ain't what I meant…" the mule grumbled.

"I know, I'm just trying to avoid—"

A cruel and raspy laugh rang out just behind Twilight's head. "Romantic date with a mule, huh? You must be some special kind of dork."

"Do you mind?" the mule snapped at the source of the voice.

Twilight turned around, and got a face-full of white feathers on a haughty face.

"Gilda?" she said, surprised.

"Ah, so you've heard of me," Gilda said smugly.

Rainbow Dash darted over, pulling Gilda back. "Sorry, Twilight! Sorry… she's with me. Gilda," she said angrily, glaring at the griffon, "if you want me to listen to this pitch, insulting my friends is not the best way to open, dude."

"Okay, okay, jeez," Gilda muttered, shooting a brief "sorry" at Twilight before strutting over to another table.

"Hmm," Rainbow Dash said, surprised. "She actually apologized. This must be really important to her."

"That 'apology' made me wanna throw up," Twilight retorted.

"Still. The Gilda I know was never sorry for zip."

"What is going on, Rainbow?" Twilight demanded.

"Gilda has, apparently, invented something," Rainbow said. "She wants money to set up a business. I agreed to meet with her and hear her out, for old time's sake."

"That sounds… awfully suspicious," Twilight commented.

"Oh, I know. But don't worry about me; Big Daddy Rainbow didn't raise no suckers. Manglers of the Equestrian language, yes, but no suckers."

"Hey, Bangs," Gilda called. "You may want to listen to this too. I'm trying to round up as many investors as I can, and any friend of Dash's, well, it's worth a shot."

"You know, I would," Twilight lied delicately, "but I have a date to attend to."

The mule scowled at her. "What's my name?"

Twilight blinked. "Sure thing, Gilda. Be right there. Catch you later, um… uh, dude."

Rainbow and Twilight gathered around the table.

"Okay, here's the dealio," Gilda said, drumming her talons on the table. "I've got this creation, okay, which will make nonstop rocking possible for us if we start selling it."

"What is it?" Twilight asked.

"We'll get there," Gilda said simply. "What I want to know, Dash, is will you bite?"

"I'm here," Dash said simply. "Aren't I? I've already bitten. But why are you coming to me with this?"

"Hey, look, I know we parted on bad terms," Gilda said gently. "But, come on… we're blood sisters. Don't you remember?"

"Sure I do," Rainbow said. "We caught all kinds of diseases from each other."

"Yikes," Twilight commented.

"I'm saying—a self-respecting griff doesn't do that with any old food-creature. But you, you qualified for the honor."

"A… a 'food-creature'," Twilight grumbled. "Charming."

"That's what we call things with hooves, okay?" Gilda said, throwing up her talons defensively. "Anyway, Dash, I figured I owed it to you to help you get in on the 'next big thing' that I've got going on here. It's the least I could do."

"That, and I'm the only pony in this country you actually know," Rainbow said slyly.

"There's that. And I understand your bank account possesses moderate radicalness."

"Mm—yeah."

"So…" Gilda said, scribbling down a figure and passing it covertly to Rainbow Dash. "This is the amount that I have available to put into the biz. I want you to pitch in the same amount—you and me, equal partners. Is that doable?"

Rainbow Dash snuck a look at the piece of parchment. "I don't know, G. What are you selling?"

"You really wanna know?" Gilda said. "All right. Check this out."

Gilda plopped a saddlebag onto the table and pulled out a tangle of golden thread.

"I call it… Golden Thread," she said dramatically, dropping it onto the table.

"…Really?" Twilight said, unimpressed.

Gilda separated one of the threads, and began slipping it between her fingers. "I wrap little bits around my talons, and it makes me faster… stronger, too."

The one hand went through a series of implausibly quick and nimble contortions.

"Whoa," Rainbow Dash said, surprised.

Gilda snapped out the thread to full length once again. "Wear some as horseshoes, you'll be quick as the wind and silent as death, baby. Dash, line 'em up with your wing feathers, not only will you fly faster than you ever thought you could in your life, but you're never breaking a wing again."

"Mm-hmm," Twilight said suspiciously.

"Oh, there's something in it for your type too," Gilda said, eyeing Twilight. "Wrap it around your corn—"

"Horn," Twilight said, offended.

"Totally," Gilda said, wrapping the piece of thread around the base of Twilight's horn. "Anyway, you wear it like so, I've been able to prove that all the magic you use will be amped up. But you gotta pay for it first," she added hastily, tugging the thread away. "Me, personally? I wear a huge, thick rope of the stuff, harnessed to my spine." She stood on her hind legs and turned around, revealing the wrapping around her midsection that kept the braid of thread going down her back. "I'm damn near indestructible," she whispered.

"No kidding?" Rainbow said, almost as quietly.

"You… you invented this?" Twilight challenged.

"Naturally," Gilda said promptly.

"And you can produce more of it at low cost?"

"Dude, don't even worry about it. I've got it covered."

Twilight glared suspiciously.

"Our first objective, if and when we start making sales," Gilda went on, "is to get it banned at sporting events. That right there, that's publicity. And any publicity is good publicity. After that, our sales will go up and then, THEN, the military will ask us for a huge shipment. After that, baby, us and all our stockholders will be livin' large."

"I'm in," Twilight said.

"And that's not even mentioning how you can customize it," Gilda rambled on. "You can repurpose it to help you see in the dark, or keep you warm, or… wait, seriously?"

"Yeah, you've sold me," Twilight said. "It's a good product, and I'd like to invest. How much do you want me to throw in?"

"Um… I don't know," Gilda admitted. "I don't really get stocks and bonds or whatever the hay you call 'em. How about we discuss it later? Whip out a few official contracts, probably make our negotiations on armchairs in front of a roaring fire, with some cigars and scotch. 'Cause we're entrepreneurs now, and that's the entrepreneur toolkit."

Gilda packed up the thread and rubbed her talons together. "I'm gonna hit up Ponyville, nab us a good piece of property. Dash, don't wuss out on me. The geek's in, can I count on you being in too?"

"Sure, G, you bet," Rainbow said. "I'm for it."

Gilda winked and flew away.

"You really gonna do this, Twilight?" Rainbow said curiously.

"I know a good investment when I see one," Twilight said. "Plus, I'd like to keep an eye on her… Her and the product. It's some powerful stuff, it could be… dangerous."

"So we're staying close to the source," Rainbow said thoughtfully. "I like it!"

"I like it too," Twilight said. "I for one hope it all turns out to be legitimate."