Author's Note
By the way, this was meant to be narrated by the voice of the Narrator in The Stanley Parable. It's much funnier that way.
Not really.
I regret nothing. For some reason, I actually tried on this one. Up until halfway, where you can tell that I was lazy and changed styles.
Still regret nothing.
IT COMES
There is an old pony’s tale, that long ago, before the Royal Sisters’ rule, there was a great evil that terrorized villages and squashed castles.
It was a Hexagon.
It would flash vibrant colors fast enough to cause seizures in all who saw it. It blared techno music so powerfully that entire fortresses were simply blown away. And don’t forget about how fast It would unrelentingly spin, propelling Itself at great speeds to ensure that no mortal would escape Its bottomless hole.
That is, until one day a young genius came up with a brilliant solution. What if the Hexagon were to ingest so much of Its own being that It would collapse in upon Itself? He gathered six of the world’s greatest mages, and commanded them to cast a spell that would cause the Hexagon to implode on Itself. However, the Hexagon was smart, and flashed too violently to be seen, blared too loudly to be near, and spun too quickly to be caught.
It was at this point that our courageous hero knew that the only way to get the Hexagon to keep still was to distract It. And so he sacrificed his very being to become the simplest polygon there was.
A Triangle.
It shone a bright white in contrast to the vibrant rainbows the Hexagon gave off. The mages stood, one on each side, and immediately set to work. They ripped off portions of the Hexagon, and allowed them to be swallowed by Its gaping maw. The Triangle furiously dodged the Walls as they came down, all the while struggling to make sure that It would not be consumed by the Hexagon. Eventually, enough was enough, and the Hexagon shrunk into a Pentagon, and the Pentagon shrunk into a Square, and then a Triangle, and then a Line, before becoming a mere Point.
However, at this time, the Point had Its final revenge. It predicted the coming of an evil far greater than itself.
The SUPER HEXAGON™©.
And, with this prophecy seared into the minds of all living creatures on this world, It dissipated, taking our dear hero with him.
“Oh, Pinkie, stop being so random,” complained a certain blue Pegasus, rolling her eyes let at the same time allowing a small grin to form on her muzzle.
“I’m not kidding, Dashie! I even asked Twilight, and she said that it was totally-wotally real!” A bright pink poof of hair retorted, bouncing along a well-worn dirt path.
“Oh really? That’s what the egghead said?”
“Okay, maybe that’s not what she meant exactly, but I can tell that Twilight really meant it! I mean, I saw it in her eyes, and my eyes are really big, and everypony says that they know what I’m thinking because of my eyes, so whatever I felt like Twilight was feeling through her eyes must be right, right? That is, unless her eyes are different than mine, in which case we shouldn’t make fun of them, because that would be something a meenie-weenie pony would do.” The mare suddenly gasped, her jaw rapidly falling further and further away from its original position. “What if I’m the special one, like Derpy? What if my eyes are the ones that are coco in the loco? Then-”
The rainbow-maned pony put a hoof over her friend’s mouth before she could continue on with her incessant rambling. “Calm down Pinkie, your eyes are perfectly fine.” She couldn’t help but to mumble to herself, “Except when you go all weird, anyways.” She’s right you know. An insane Pinkamena is one that needs to go to an eye doctor. After going to the local asylum, that is.
“Really? You think so, Dashie?” The mass of living cocaine started squealing in delight and relief. “Whew. I was worried there for a sec. WAIT! Do you know what this calls for?” A sharp intake of breath could be heard. “A “HOORAY MY EYES ARE FINE” PARTY!”
The equine named “Rainbow Dash” proceeded to violently facehoof herself. Of course, she immediately regretted it afterwards, because naturally hitting yourself in the face with a hard, blunt object will hurt. See, this is more proof that ponies are an inferior species. First off, they’re mortal. But enough rambling on my part, let’s get back to the story. I wouldn’t be much of a storyteller if I didn’t do my job, now would I?
The two horses-sorry, ponies, but is there honestly any difference? Ponies are horses, after all. And yet they take offense to the term “horses”. They really are a weird bunch. But enough digressing. The two ponies continued on their journey to a certain library housed within a once living, thousand year old tree in order to confirm the validity of the pink one’s tale. But of course it’s true, or I wouldn’t have much of a tale to spin, now would I?
They arrived at the Library-in-the-Tree, and knocked upon its simple wooden door. With a doorknob. Which those meddlesome humans use. Which are not in Equestria. A lavender Princess answered the door, and invited the party of two inside.
The pink one instantly began summarizing what has happened prior to their visit, without once pausing for a quick breath. The Princess frowned, and, confused, said, “Pinkie, I never said that the old legend of the Hexagon was true. I just said that it was true that it was probably passed down your family line for generations. You really need to be more careful when listening to other ponies, Pinkie.”
The arrogant blue mare snorted and gloated, “See Pinkie? Told you it wasn’t real!”
Of course, it is at these words that irony decided to kick in and do its job for once. The faint sound of static began to fill the air, growing louder and louder. All of a sudden, there was a bright flash, before intense techno music started playing as a Point warped into existence.
The three mares began to slowly approach it, not sure what to expect from it. Of course, considering their two-dimensional characters, it’s easy to assume that Twilight wanted to question it, Pinkie wanted to befriend it, and Rainbow was hoping for something...”awesome”. Simple-minded fools.
“He...hello?” The Princess looked at the point questioningly, hoping for and answer. Then before her very eyes, she saw the Point grow into a Line, now flashing rainbow colors. She didn’t know how this was possible-points are not able to be seen, and neither are lines! And yet somehow, she knew that there was a point, and it had just turned into a line!
“SPIKE! GET DOWN HERE! I NEED TO WRITE A LETTER TO THE PRINCESSES, NOW!” Twilight screamed, causing a purple-scaled mythological lizard-man to run downstairs in a panic.
“What is it, Twili-woah, what is that?!”
“That’s what I’m writing to the princesses about, Spike!”
“No, I meant that weird music. It’s kinda catchy. But yeah, now that you mention it, there is kinda a line in the air. But...it’s like it’s not there at the same time!”
“I KNOW, SPIKE! Now where’s that pen and quill?!”
“Oh, right. Sorry, Twilight.”
“Dear Princess Celestia,
“There is a very urgent matter I need your advice on. It appears to be some sort of magical disturbance, with reality-bending effects.
“Today, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash came by to try and confirm the ancient legend of the Hexagon. Naturally, I told them that it wasn’t true, when all of a sudden there was a bright flash of light, and a point appeared while some weird music started playing in the background. I know points aren’t supposed to be seen, but somehow I knew that this was a point. It may also have effects on one’s psyche, so I would advise caution if you come to investigate. Which you don’t have to, of course, I completely understand if you have more pressing matters on your hooves than silly rainbow points.
“I tried communicating with it, but it just suddenly grew into a line, flashing bright, vibrant colors. I didn’t actually see it ‘grow’; one moment, by brain was telling me it was a point, and the next, it was telling me that it was a line.
“I would appreciate any advice on what to do in this situation.
“Your faithful student,
“Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
The young dragon nodded in approval as he finished signing the letter with Twilight’s name, resisting the urge to put a period at the end. “Okay, and...” Spike took in a deep breath and blew some emerald fire onto the letter, allowing it to be consumed and sent to Queen...ahem, sorry, Princess Celestia. Really, just because there’s one bad queen, you think that you can’t become a good one? Ponies... Sorry, where were we? Oh, of course.
“Sent! There, Twilight. So, do we just sit and wait for the Princesses, or...?” Spike continued.
“I guess. There’s not much else to do, I guess, but to monitor it.”
“We can always kick its flank back to wherever in Tartaras it came from!” The town idiot chimed in.
“We can try to be its friends! OOOOOO! I know! I forgot to throw it a “Welcome to Ponyville and Happy Coming-Into-Existence” party! Which reminds me,” the local drug dealer asked as she turned towards the Line. “Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla?”
The Line said nothing. See what I mean by having two-dimensional personalities and being an inferior species? Next, Pinkie is going to have some weird biological phenomenon occur to her body that will allow her to “predict” the future, and the mindless blue one will try to attack the Line out of boredom. Then none of them will notice as it grows and escapes. These mortals honestly can’t figure out how to learn from their mistakes.
Anyways, Celestia arrives, and Twilight naturally grovels at her feet. “Princess Celestia! You arrived so quickly, I’m sorry about the mess, it was the thing, and I hope that I didn’t make you miss one of your meetings, and-”
Princess Celestia cut her off, and began making whatever comforting, encouraging comments it is that she says. Probably, “Don’t worry, even though you’ve cocked up and possibly doomed our universe, you didn’t know any better, even though you should have. And so I’m not mad, just disappointed. But we always have that handy deus ex machina, you know, the giant death rainbow lazer of gay hippy farts.”
“My faithful student, you needn’t worry. I’m not mad. You couldn’t possible have known better, and you tried your best to handle the situation responsible. I’m proud of you,” Celestia said, but with the slightest hint of disappointment in her eyes as she looked at the Line and back. “Don’t fret, Twilight. If the..“line” is hostile, we can always use the Elements of Harmony on it.”
Unbeknownst to the ponies, the Line promptly consumed half of Twilight’s library, grew into a Triangle with a burst of music and light that the ponies somehow didn’t notice, and escaped the library.
I did tell you all of this would happen, didn’t I? And here it is, happening. I’m disappointed in all of you for not believing me.
The Princess, the Queencess, the Crack, and the Ego went back into the library to see half of Twilight’s library consumed and a triangular escape hole. Then there was an aptly timed scream which they somehow immediately deduced was the sound of a 0/1 white Pony creature token being sucked into an endless maw. They galloped outside to find the Triangle promptly absorbing everything in sight. Then growing into a Square. That was the size of a small house.
“STOP! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?” Twilight screamed at it. However, the Square did not respond. Instead, it grew into a Pentagon and sucked up Twilight’s tree house.
Princess Celestia ordered, “Stay here! I’ll go and fetch the Elements!” before teleporting away. Presumably to get the Elements, not to save herself. Obviously.
A few minutes later, Celestia warped back into existence beside Twilight, who had commanded Rainbow Dash to go and find the rest of the Fellowship of the Elements. Why couldn’t Celestia do this more often? Then Equestria could become a militant nation and take over the rest of the continent/world, and finally be able to advance before a revolution would begin.
One overly-dramatic scene about “What if they died/deserted us?” later, all of the Mane Six were assembled and put on their Elements. As usual, a colored beam of light shot into Twilight’s crown from each other Element. However, unlike previous uses, Twilight began glowing white, before starting to turn into pure energy.
“What in tarnation’s happenin’ ter Twilight?” Applejack worriedly asked.
“Oh no! The prophecy’s being fulfilled! This must be the SUPER HEXAGON™©! And that means that Twilight is becoming the legendary Triangle!” exclaimed Pinkie.
“Pinkie,” Celestia commanded, “explain this prophecy to me! The fate of Equestria depends on it!” Doesn't it always?
So Pinkamena explained all to Celestia, and they all somehow managed to ignore the pained screams of Twilight as her body began taking the form of a triangle while condensing into Hexagonem.
Once the dramatic monologue, complete with a full animation detailing it, was over, the ponies turned to see the Triangle that was once Twilight circling the newly-grown SUPER HEXAGON™©, struggling to dodge the matter that was being dumped into the SUPER HEXAGON™©’s gaping hole while taking care to not fall in itself.
Oh, fabulous. A change in style, more narration than dialogue and plot advancement, lazy writing, and more...I give up on this story. There’s no point in making this good anymore. It’s so painfully terrible that I wouldn’t even wish its telling upon Stanley. And he’s the person that ȩ̼͔̠̖̻̱̦͔̲̭͗̑̀̌̐͒̄̒͌̋̒ͫ̄͑̚͜X̷̹͙͎͗͑͋̄͜N̈́ͤ͆̍͌̾̈́̆̒ͭ҉̱̤̼̬̝̠͔̮̰̤̜̤͓̟̘̬Ö̈́̏̂͛̐ͮͬ̂̓͌͗ͩ͊̉̀͏̧̹̙͙̰S̷̭̰̻̣͙͇̖͔̜ͭ̏͐͆ͭ̒̀ͩ̈́̿̒̔ͮ̓̌͢E̵̯̗̺̤̞̣̱̖̩͔͍͙͍̥̬̮̼̯̠͑̒̑̅͒ͪ̊̅̃ͯͥ́̚Rͧ̇̇̚҉҉̷̰̲̖͎͇̭́V͍͓̥̫̘̳̭ͯͬͫ̌̀͡Ą̰͍̼̜͍͉̩̳͍͚͕̣̹̊ͨ̀͑̅̓̇̀̚͡Ḅ̢̡̮̳̼͈̰̭̥̩̠ͭͨͤ̽̓́ͨ͗͢͠͞Ǫ̡̤͚̝͇̯̝͈̳̞̩̝͎̲͉̬̼̗͒̂̅̐ͩ̆ͪ͛͌͌B̴̴͓̫̥̼͕̿͊̍͐͋ͪ͐ͥ̀͜͝T̢̨̛̖̘̭̟͈͔͖̬̣ͨ̓ͮ̄̆̀̔ͦ̅̍̆ͮͪ̚I̸͗̈͌ͧ͊͑̍ͨͬ̀͏̪̼̘̙̜͙̭̻͓͚̤̺̰̯̬̬͘ͅÖ̧̺̰̳̜̖̝̼͔͔̱͕̝͖̪̙͙̑ͪ͛ͭͣ̈͘͜͢Ń̨̯̮͉͕̣̲͎̯͓̭̫̖̱̯̳͆̍̉̂͊ͥ̈́͊̎̿ͫͩ̄̂̀͝ͅȂ̷ͭ͛ͦ͐̈͋̌ͯͥ̈́ͣ̂ͪͫ̋͡҉̫̖̦̮̮͖̙̫̰͉̮͍͙̲̟Z̃̃͛ͦ͗̓̄̌ͪͧ̅̓̑ͨͬ҉̶̛̫͕̗͙̩̬͖̣̟̘͈̜́̀O̴̡̡̹̖̲͕̖͍͙̘͓ͥͮ͒͌̓̋ͩͫ̓́̇͑ͫ̈́ͥ̏͒̀̕R̸̹̣̫͖̤͚͉ͧ̏̓̿̂ͫ́ͮͦ̇̃ͪ̀͜V̷̛͈̳̖̰͖̭͖̯̙̠͓͎̙̙̬͕̏ͫ̒͗ͫͤͯ͌̽a̧̒̀̑ͬ̽ͮ͞͡҉̙̟͇̭̺̞͍̙̞̖͖̭ is narrating. We’re rivals, by the way.
So, since I’m not trying anymore, let’s just go on a wild ride, full of bad grammar, spelling, continuity, and everything else related to writing.
Apple Jack pulled out her trusty RPG and pointed it at the SUPER HEXAGON™©. “I am afraid, good sir, that I have pinPOINT accuracy regarding the aiming of this weapon at large, interdimensional SUPER HEXAGON™©s.” He then put on these really cool sunglasses and there was a really loud YYYEAAAAHHHHH scream in the background. Everyone else clutched at apple JAck’s legs, because she decided to stand up and become an anthro when she went to got his RPG. “Oh, save us Jack!” they all moaned, while looking at him with ssexxy eyes. butt they never talked before and never will again. sHe then shot a misile at the SUPER HEXAGON™©, which promptly exploded. But then, before it xploded, it said, “Hah hah, you may have killed me but there is a bigger evil than i there is gunna be a HYPER HEXAGON™© and then you can’t stop it and there’s going to be one less of you in casee you havent found the pattern yet” and it then finsihed xploding and everypony said yay and everyone went back home to celebrate. But nobody cared about Twilight, she got caught in the xpl0tion and ded two but nobody cared because
Which was your favorite equine, again? Well, I don’t care. I’ve given up on pleasing you, Dan Lee. This is going to be a reusable, generic story. I hope you’re happy with what you’ve made me do. Perhaps next time a god tells you a story, you will listen.
[insert name here] is best pony and twilight can go EAT BANANAS ONT HE MOOOONNN BEEEATYCH! lol thats a funny meme.and they all lived happily ever after after, with aPPLE jACK marrying each of the ponies their and makin babbys with them while Rarity says “Yes, give it ter me, sugaercube” with her Texas accent.And then because she married the princeess jackapple became king of Equestria YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!111111and nobody noticed that spike and luna was sleeping the hole time.
Goodbye, Mr. Lee. Perhaps a year from now, you will think back to what you've made me do. The entire city you live in wants your blood now. All because you made me tell this terrible mess of words you call a story. Why couldn't you just be happy with what I gave you? Oh, now I understand what ȩ̼͔̠̖̻̱̦͔̲̭͗̑̀̌̐͒̄̒͌̋̒ͫ̄͑̚͜X̷̹͙͎͗͑͋̄͜N̈́ͤ͆̍͌̾̈́̆̒ͭ҉̱̤̼̬̝̠͔̮̰̤̜̤͓̟̘̬Ö̈́̏̂͛̐ͮͬ̂̓͌͗ͩ͊̉̀͏̧̹̙͙̰S̷̭̰̻̣͙͇̖͔̜ͭ̏͐͆ͭ̒̀ͩ̈́̿̒̔ͮ̓̌͢E̵̯̗̺̤̞̣̱̖̩͔͍͙͍̥̬̮̼̯̠͑̒̑̅͒ͪ̊̅̃ͯͥ́̚Rͧ̇̇̚҉҉̷̰̲̖͎͇̭́V͍͓̥̫̘̳̭ͯͬͫ̌̀͡Ą̰͍̼̜͍͉̩̳͍͚͕̣̹̊ͨ̀͑̅̓̇̀̚͡Ḅ̢̡̮̳̼͈̰̭̥̩̠ͭͨͤ̽̓́ͨ͗͢͠͞Ǫ̡̤͚̝͇̯̝͈̳̞̩̝͎̲͉̬̼̗͒̂̅̐ͩ̆ͪ͛͌͌B̴̴͓̫̥̼͕̿͊̍͐͋ͪ͐ͥ̀͜͝T̢̨̛̖̘̭̟͈͔͖̬̣ͨ̓ͮ̄̆̀̔ͦ̅̍̆ͮͪ̚I̸͗̈͌ͧ͊͑̍ͨͬ̀͏̪̼̘̙̜͙̭̻͓͚̤̺̰̯̬̬͘ͅÖ̧̺̰̳̜̖̝̼͔͔̱͕̝͖̪̙͙̑ͪ͛ͭͣ̈͘͜͢Ń̨̯̮͉͕̣̲͎̯͓̭̫̖̱̯̳͆̍̉̂͊ͥ̈́͊̎̿ͫͩ̄̂̀͝ͅȂ̷ͭ͛ͦ͐̈͋̌ͯͥ̈́ͣ̂ͪͫ̋͡҉̫̖̦̮̮͖̙̫̰͉̮͍͙̲̟Z̃̃͛ͦ͗̓̄̌ͪͧ̅̓̑ͨͬ҉̶̛̫͕̗͙̩̬͖̣̟̘͈̜́̀O̴̡̡̹̖̲͕̖͍͙̘͓ͥͮ͒͌̓̋ͩͫ̓́̇͑ͫ̈́ͥ̏͒̀̕R̸̹̣̫͖̤͚͉ͧ̏̓̿̂ͫ́ͮͦ̇̃ͪ̀͜V̷̛͈̳̖̰͖̭͖̯̙̠͓͎̙̙̬͕̏ͫ̒͗ͫͤͯ͌̽a̧̒̀̑ͬ̽ͮ͞͡҉̙̟͇̭̺̞͍̙̞̖͖̭ is always complaining about.
One last thing. I hope you realize the HYPER HEXAGON™© is real. It’s coming for you, Dan. I hope you’re content with your miserable little life.
“Wow, that was a weird story,” Midnight Glimmer commented. She was sitting on her sofa, surrounded by her four best friends.
“D’you guys think there’s really a HYPER HEXAGON™©?” Appletini asked.
“Well, if there was, then that would be simply dreadful”, Scarcity answered.
“Well, I don’t think there’s one...because the Elements weren’t seen for the last 1,000 years, right? They’re just a legend...” Flittercoy speculated.
Just then, there was a large pop in the kitchen, and light and music began pouring out through the doorway.
There was a slight pause, before Prismatic Sprint defeatedly sighed. “We just jinxed the world, didn’t we? Whelp, guess we’re all screwed.”
