A Night to Rememberby Gray CompassChaptersBlackoutAwake (?)Reality (!)Memory Lapses... (Kinda)How to be a 'Prince'Remembering (Something)Bullets, Russians and Jack DanielsBlackoutA Night to Remember "What the hell?" I grumbled. Peculiar don’t you think? But believe me; that's an acceptable expression of surprise for those who wake up in Las Vegas. I don’t usually like to drink or to get drunk (which is nothing but a consequence of the first), but unfortunately this has been occurring very frequently with me. It all starts with something nice; a nice whiskey, a nice car, with nice girls inside of it, and obviously a nice amount of money in my pocket. Now you just mix all those things together and voilà! Drunk. Now you're probably thinking I'm a wrecked gambling man or some other shit like that; another jerk burning his money with poker, drinks and high-end sluts. But let me tell you something: You are completely right. Well... you'd probably be right if you had the pleasure of stumbling against me a couple of days ago. The thing is— when a man loses almost his entire fortune to the Russian mafia (and survives) —he tends to become way more cautious with his stuff. Still, the mobsters weren't the worst part of my day. It was my wife. Ex-wife, I suppose. When that dirty little bit- Never mind... When that heartless woman saw I was falling apart, instead of helping me to get through that mess — crossing the forest together, ya know? Maybe a friendly shoulder to cry. Of course she wouldn't. 'To hell with your shit, Richard!'. The freak tried to steal the last cookies of my jar, and flee to Hawaii with her secret lover. Ain't it fun? Aside from the fact I was being hounded by the Russians, there was that delicious icing covering my cake. Yes, it’s true; I should appeal to a court, hire a lawyer. But you know what? I hate courts and I hate lawyers as well. And I presume that they are not quite fond of me as well, considering my questionable business partners. Anyway, here comes my brilliant decision: 'If I am so screwed to the point of not being capable to hire some shitty lawyers to cover my ass...' '...fuck the system!' Yeah, I said that to myself, in a way. In my mind I was being such a smarty pants; so I got every single dollar from my safe, the car keys, an old leather jacket, and to put an end on this damned old life of mine with a flourish, I even left an elegant note pinned on the front door, purposely visible to anyone who would eventually come looking for me. “I'm going to Vegas babe, maybe we’ll meet again in the future. The safe is empty, but I think I left some fresh milk inside the freezer if you’re interested. The best regards — Rick” With that, I left all my common sense behind and went to Sodom and Gomorrah 2.0; Las Vegas – Nevada The lights, the people, the casinos, everything there was built with the same purpose: Make you waste your money in a fancy, painless way. I didn't knew exactly what the hell I'd do with my life once I ran out of money (which was indeed, a matter of time), but I knew one thing: These days would go down into history! I said before I was going bankrupt, but ‘going bankrupt’ doesn't necessarily implies I was poor. Oh no… I had enough money to live for a month in the boulevard, before having serious problems with my bills. What? You really thought I was going to pay for my stay? It was a stupid decision, but it was also some sort of progressive self-destruction. In a way, there was a creepy feeling growing and crawling inside of me, and it whispered that it would be an one way trip. As the days passed me by, my money was slowly going down the drain, together with my sanity. Really, today I would like to know how much alcohol I had in my blood that night. I think I'd burst into flames if I burped near a fireplace. I woke up early in the afternoon; it was just six o'clock after all… I was losing count of days and nights, and 'suddenly' my pockets were almost empty. That would certainly be my last night in Vegas - you could feel it - the hotel security could feel it - after all, how much do you think a month in Luxor's presidential suite would cost? A thought struck me; I should head to my car as fast as possible and get the hell out of that place, lying low, and praying for protection. Not that I believe that god was really proud of me anyway. Shit happened that night, that was the only certainty. I would truly appreciate telling you the truth, but here's the thing: I can't remember. The last thing I recall is seeing my blurry reflection on the glassy facade staring at me like a ghost, from this moment onward I could sum everything up to random flashes and colors. Chunks of memory, stretched and broken. I saw bright lights; probably from another pathetic casino, the taste of cheap vodka in my mouth, a heavy punch on my face. Fortunately, I was too drunk to feel the pain. My car crashed into a building. Glass shards, strange sounds, strange smells - and what the hell - Who pissed on my shirt? As I said previously, my brain 'corrupted' its own files, and for some miracle (or luck), I managed to find a way back to my room, or at least I thought it was my room. "What for fuck's sake is happening here?" I grumbled. Sometimes there's nothing better than hearing your own words echoing through the hallways. As I slowly came back to my senses, I felt my entire body throbbing, the pain gradually increasing as I squirmed in place. Shit, that would be the worst hangover ever. Every time I tried to move I bumped against this strange lump by my side. I felt a flat surface under my back - that would make sense, considering that I probably couldn't make my way to the bed. I opened my eyes but the sunlight almost burned them to the core. I spent some time wondering about my life, about the universe, and about my whereabouts. Eyes closed, hoping the migraine would agree to go away, but it was all in vain. Shit, couldn't Nietzsche have ever written anything useful about this? A couple of minutes later I concluded that awful headache wouldn't go away, and I was the 'thing' in need to go away. I had no option other than opening my eyelids again and facing reality. So I did it. Fighting against the urge to yank out my ocular nerves, I could finally see. And the sight was anything but the usual; just the old and plain wooden roof. I blinked again, and blinked one time more just to make sure - but nothing happened. The fucking wooden roof was still there. Fine, that thing was creeping me out. My room had no medieval-themed roof, and what the- What was the thing nudging my arm? I had enough surprises for a day. I tried to stand up but my feet found nothing but air. I tripped and fell. As my head met the floor I let a very audible ‘Oh fuck’ come out. I sat down and realized that I was sleeping over some kind of table. And I wasn't the only one. “Oh, you are finally awake” I jumped when I listened that voice - and let me give you an advice: stand up quickly is a really, really bad idea. My vision went from blurred to complete darkness. The entire world seemed to spin around my head, and my stomach tried to speak with my throat. Yes, I would have such a disgusting morning surprise if it wasn't for my muscular control. When I finally fixed myself, I looked around the room, expecting to find a nasty slut sleeping over the couch or some decadent scene like that, but no. I finally noticed the 'thing' over the table. My first reaction; absolute shock. The second reaction; blasphemy. “Holy mother of God, what the hell are you?” Oh I screamed - and how I fucking screamed that morning. For there was no human over that table, but a horned quadruped. A talking horse-like being- a blue, horse-like being. And it just laughed from my face as I consequently panicked. There was a single explanation: Someone dissolved LSD on my whiskey. “Come on Ricky, don’t you remember last night? All those things you've shown me, huh?” Drugs surely. I reassured myself. “No! I do not remember- and I don't know you- whatever you are... You are just a freaking hallucination, that's all. I'm gonna be fine, it all is gonna be fine!” I shook my head violently. As I turned around ready to leave that place, I stumbled and fell over something - a quite fluffy and warm something. Oh boy, that wasn't a 'something'. “Ouch!” “Watch your steps, you hairless monkey!” A freaking white unicorn, wearing golden armor said. “I heard screams coming from your chambers, has this creature hurt you in any way, my princess?” Great, I had messed up with the royalty of acid-bath world. “Oh, not at all Captain Shining. He didn't. In fact, he gave me a very amusing night.” Princess… Captain… Colored unicorns wearing armors and talking about amusing nights... That's it; I had developed acute schizophrenia. ‘Okay, okay. Stay calm, count to ten, have a sit, and think.’ Let’s review my situation; I’m on this strange place, with strange creatures. I comprehend very little about the environment, and even less about myself. I stared at my bare body and back to the flying unicorn lying over a table, and then to the disgusted white unicorn at the doorway. Comprehension was nonexistent. ‘Quickly! You must have a plan - thinkthinkthink - there's a window right by my side, there’s a pony princess approaching, and I'm trembling.’ In lack of plans, my brain just activated the auto-pilot. “Stop right there, for God's sake! Don't you dare touching me, alien freak, I know you want to suck my brain, or something worse!” I backed away. I clung into the blinds but the whole thing detached from the wall and landed on my head; I was naked, drugged, with a heavy curtain enveloping my body, randomly running around a room. Yes, that's the worst 'We come in peace' scenario one could ever imagine. “Stop human, you’ll destroy something!” The captain levitated me with his witchcraft thing, making me float upside down. And this ladies and gentlemen, was one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life, it was even worse than the day I threw up over my girlfriend's shirt. “What for Equestria's sake happened to you Rick, are you insane or something? Don’t you remember me?” With a flutter of wings, the unicorn walked towards me, an expression of sincere worry stamped on her face. And there was the point when I realized how deep was my tar pit; if I wasn't on drugs, dreaming, or having a stroke, how the hell I ended up in that freaking place? “I… I-” I sighed. “Can you please put me back down on the ground, you stick-head?” The captain rolled his eyes, releasing me over the couch. As soon as I wrapped me up on the curtains again, I asked the question that comprised all my other questions at once: “Who are you- both of you. Where am I, how I got here, and why am I naked?” Like a magic crow at the window, the princess stared at me cautiously, and calculatingly. “Can't you recall... anything?” She inquired, raising an eyebrow at me. "Nothing?" “Ah… What am I supposed to remember?” I shivered. “Oh well." She sighed "That's a shame, Rick. A huge shame. But I shall answer thee.” I locked myself in place as she ran her hooves over my chest, nuzzling my cheek, kissing my lips thereafter. “Care to explain?” I backed away slowly, not really used to kiss aliens by the morning. “Sure my dear.” She walked away to a corner of the room, which soon I presumed to be her personal chambers, judging by the nightly decoration, which completely matched her own style. She stood in a wide balcony with a somehow imposing pose, staring at the horizon. “I am Luna, Princess of the night, co-ruler of the entire Kingdom of Equestria, and of all Ponykind!” Her voice reverberated deep inside my ears, electrifying every inch of nerve inside my body. “You are in Canterlot, capital city of this empire - more precisely, you are in my tower of Canterlot Castle. You married me last night, after mutual agreement.” "Which in this case, makes you officially speaking..." She lowered her tone, looking at me with those hypnotic blue eyes, her flowing mane reflecting the own universe. “My prince” I blacked out. But I can tell you; before my mind fell into the void, one last thought flashed inside my mind - a quote, from the depths of my childhood memories database. 'Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.' Awake (?)A night to remember Oh the dream world… So majestic, so vivid, so fake! Unfortunately, I wasn't aware it was a dream, most of the people aren't (dream logic sucks) “Oh, hey there little bunny, ya want a carrot?” What a cute and angelical bunny jumping in front of me; fancy grasslands as far as the eyes can see and- Look, another bunny! God, how pathetic. Minutes later, there was me, surrounded by thousands of bunnies and all of them wearing tiny doctor outfits. Wait a second... Cute little rabbits? In doctor outfits? Something must be wron- Oh look! A bunny with a bow tie! Ha ha! Never mind, everything is okay. The rabbits were climbing over my legs, and- hovering over my head like cherubs. Then the freaking animals turned blue, devilish fangs protruded from their mouths. Those were definitely not cherubs... Then came the urge to run; in despair I stumbled over a very big rabbit - unlike the others, that thing was darker than the night. Worse than fangs, he carried a needle. “Okay big boy… Let's remain civilized here, no need to raise your weapons, I can leave your fucking Bunnyland if you want.” I tried to walk backwards, but the now anthropomorphic rabbit-executioner held my legs. “Wait- Stop! Don't you dare to stuck this frigging demonic thing in my veins- I swear, I'll never eat a rabbit again! Never!” I don’t think it was a good choice of words. Rabbit master stuck that needle deep into my arm. God knows how I screamed, strange lights danced around my eyes, everything morphed into other things, rabbits and cherubs, demons and grasslands faded away, and soon there was nothing but a terrible pain raging through my arm. The dream dissolved around myself, and finally vanished. You must think I’m stupid or something, but you must also know that some dreams can definitely make you scream like a little girl, even when you’re finally awake. I opened my eyes. This time, without any pain. The first thing I noticed was my terrible vision, of course. I rubbed my eyelids for a moment until I could clearly see the room around me. It was some kind of hospital ward and even though everything was immaculately clean and seemingly operational, the entire apparatus and decoration looked charmingly vintage. There was a big needle coming out of my right arm, so it certainly wasn't just part of that dream. 'I crashed my car somewhere and the authorities brought me here to save my ass- perfect, now I’m stuck inside a stupid hospital.' Oh the reality... How it hurts. Then I saw them. They were right there all the time, right in front of my bed; four figures wearing white biohazard suits. Four unicorns. Unicorns again for heaven's sake! “Oh crap.” I muttered to myself. “Please, tell me you're not going to dissect me...” “He’s awake! Call the doctor!” One of them exclaimed. The four ponies left the room in a hurry; except one of them, who came back with another metallic syringe. “Oh no no no no! I refuse do be your guinea pig again, Mr. Hellish!" Fuck the good manners, I jumped from the bed and threw the covers right on his face. And hey- look right there! It is my dignity walking away! I was naked again. “Stop!" He exclaimed "Stop, you lunatic beast, I’m just going to give you a painkiller!” The unicorn threw the sheets back on my bed, raising his brow and looking me up and down, like a crazy anatomist. I frowned at him, grabbing the covers and improvising some kind of robe. “You are lying! I’m sure you will put me to sleep again and crack my skull open to see how my brain works or some other stupid scientific shit. I saw those instruments right there!” I pointed to a silver tray on the nightstand. The unicorn chuckled. “Those ‘instruments’ right there are supposed to be your silverware to eat lunch. Don't your race use them? That's just a fork.” Well, he had a point. But I simply couldn't agree with that guy and give him all the reason - of course I had to prove my point, no matter how wrong my point was; it's the frigging logic of humankind. To my disappointment, when I was about to argue with the unicorn, a light blue pony that curiously wasn't a unicorn walked into the room. “Ah... Cotton Hooves, can you please leave me alone with the specimen? You can also remove the safety mask; he’s clean.’’ “My name is Richard, dammit!” “Oh, so you finally remember your name! Good thing, this will help us a lot, but can you go back to your bed please? I don’t really want you fainting again.” The light blue mare pushed me back to the gurney. “Here's the thing, pony; show me the way back to my world and we'll forget this entire incident. I can tell myself that this was just a bad trip, and you and your ‘ponykind’ can find another pretty story to fill the voids - Do we have a deal?” Such a fantastic proposal. “I’m sorry Richard... But I suppose this is not as simple as you place it." She shook her head. "This is a matter you should deal with the princesses - I’m just a doctor." She pointed to her name tag "And my name is not 'pony', I'm Silver Scalpel” “And what the hell am I supposed to do now?” I asked, impatiently wriggling in place. “Well, right now, you’re supposed to take this painkiller, and answer some questions.” Interesting, if someone had told me days ago that a talking pony would prescribe me some painkillers, I would laugh like a hyena and call it a day. But anyway, reality is relative isn't it? “Why do I need a painkiller anyway?” I asked. “The princess said that you managed to hit the wall and consequently the floor with your head, as you blacked out. Which unfortunately gave you a light concussion.” “Ouch!” “Hey! You didn't said you'd inject this shit now!” I moaned, slightly annoyed at the doctor's mischievous face. Those pesky ponies with pointy objects. “Would you let me to do it, if I said so?” She asked coldly. Dammit, she had a point. “Probably not.” I sighed in defeat. “But I'm warning you lil' doc, if this was some kind of wicked sleep drug and I happen to wake up without my organs…” I checked my pulse and under my skin blood was still being pumped, that was a good signal. The doctor just rolled her eyes. “And here's my first question, Richard; why would we remove your organs, or even dissect you?” She frowned, moving a strand of hair away from her face. Oh silly pony. Acting as if I knew nothing about about the crazy experiments those scientists performed down into dark and moldy basements. “Well, on my world they usually dissect anything, eh… 'unknown'." I rubbed my neck, kinda awkwardly. "I mean, human logic is something like: Hey, an alien just landed in our world, let's open its body and get some samples." The doctor stared at me quite shocked. "Heck, I'm pretty sure they would love to open your unicorn friends to see how their cute little horns work.” And here's the point I noticed the terrified face of the pony right in front of me. Oh hell, that's why I never had many friends in my childhood years. “W-why would your people do this? This is simply heinous!” Congratulations Richard, you just ruined the reputation of your entire race! “Oh, but not all of the humans do this kind of crap. Only a couple of slightly obsessed researchers. Believe me, I can't understand how people can be so cold at times." I said, lying against the pillows. “It doesn't matter, it's still awful.” She shook her head in denial. "Welcome to the human race, doc." I said. She sighed, lifting some papers from the clipboard. "Let’s go back to business; you just need to answer a few questions and then you can have your lunch.” I silently hoped they had some steak. “Go ahead pony, I’m starving” She facepalmed, or was it a facehoof? I can't say for sure. “Please, just call me Doctor Silver…” “Sorry Doc, but ponies have silly names." I chuckled, wondering if they were bullied in preschool or something. "Ah, no offense." "None taken." She rolled her eyes. “Okay, take this as a test to see if your brain has suffered any major injuries” She paced around the bed, focused on her clipboard. “Your full name please” Silver said. “Oh… Sure: Richard Armin Lorenzo” “Age?” “32” I muttered. “Sex?” “Isn't that obvious? I mean-“ “Please Richard, straight answers.” “I'm a male!” “How do your kind denominate themselves?” “Humans-" I paused. "Technically speaking, we are Homo Sapiens, but's it's not like I give a damn." Ignoring my comment, she proceeded. “How many sentient species live in your world?” She asked, a curious tone in her voice. "By sentient I mean-" "I know what sentient means!" I snorted "And I suppose we have... one? I mean the dolphins are quite- Oh right, sorry. Short answers.” Doc stared at me quite doubtfully. “Only one sentient species? I mean- This is odd. It would explain your ridiculous behavior, surely, but we have dozens here.” “Well, as I was saying; Dolphins, Monkeys and Elephants can be quite smart, but it's not like you can chat or have a dinner with them. They don’t have cities or complex languages.” And here I am playing the biologist. “That’s peculiar." She wrote something on her paper, and got back to the questions. I just nodded, although noticing a very intriguing detail; how could those ponies speak fluent English? I decided to swallow my questions, and ignore most of the anomalies. “What's your diet composed of?” "Whiskey, chips, and mint drops." I chuckled. Doctor Silver just cocked her head like a confused little dog. "Nah, I'm just playin' with you. This diet thing really depends on each human personal preferences, but I guess most of people are omnivorous.” "So do you eat… Meat?" Oh man, problems ahead. "Ah… yes?" I smiled sheepishly. "No need to run away tho, we don't walk around the streets killing animals and eating their raw flesh." "If you don’t kill the animal; who kills?" She asked, kinda unsettled. "Well, I don’t know, I just buy the meat in the market, but I presume they kill them in a slaughterhouse." Wrong choice of words again. "S-slaughterhouse? Your people have a place solely designed to… kill?" Doc seemed to shiver at the thought. "Oh god, come on! It’s better than killing the creature by yourself!" I said. "How can your race be so insensitive about death?" No steak today I suppose. "Hey, I said that before, my race is not-" "Yes Human, your race is harsh and repulsive, and this is why you should be sent straight to the dungeons." We both turned our heads in surprise, only to see Mr. Stupid Captain glaring at me from the doorway. “I know about your kind, I know about your violent behavior, and I know what they did to my sister before. Don’t you try to fool me because I know everything that happens in that rotten planet of yours!” Oh, he was really asking for a good punch. "Shut the fuck up you little fucker! Or I'll make your fucking little unicorn face rotten!" I gave him the finger, but I don't think he got the meaning, anyway. "How do you dare?" He snorted. "I’m not another unicorn; I’m Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire, and Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot - You ought to respect me, unless you are willing to suffer the wrath of my horn!" He slammed the floor with those ridiculously fluffy hooves of him. "The 'wrath' of your horn? Pffffffft." I laughed. "Let me tell you something Captain, I will break this stupid horn of yours with my bare hands, and stick it right in your-" “Stop this!" Luna stepped inside the room with a look of disapproval directed at all of us, as If I was guilty of that shit. “No one is going to the dungeons, and no one…” She glared me. “...Is going to insert horns into anypony!” That we’ll see. “But princess, this creature is a threat to your safety, he has no manners, he could have-” “Please Shining Armor, I already said he's not going anywhere. Besides, he is a Prince just like you. You should be friends.” She suggested, grinning mischievously at him. “Yes, you heard her buddy - I’m a fucking prince now. You shouldn't go around talking to me this way, I married Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna of the night - and also of the castle of Canterlot, and of all Ponyland.” “Shut up Richard!" She hit me with a wing. I don’t usually kiss aliens, but let me tell ya' another thing; it's better to kiss a pony, than kiss a prison wall for the rest of your life! Finally, Princess Luna managed to send the Shining Ass away, as so Doctor Silver. Now it was just me, her, and my headache. By the windows I couldn't see much; there were bushes outside blocking most of the view, but I could still discern the night sky and the moon. Even after spending the entire day over that bed, I felt tired; tired of everything. My body was sore and everything ached, I had traveled from Vegas to Ponyland, married a princess, had a concussion, and I couldn't remember a quarter of everything. It was frustrating to say at least. I could easily say that the last 24 hours had been with no doubts, the most disturbing ones of my entire life. “…Come on Luna, I just want to know how I reached this place. Is that asking too much?” She just giggled. “Richard, I'll repeat again: I can’t possibly tell you how you came into this world, because I don't have the slightest idea. The only thing I can tell you, is what happened after your arrival.” “Then say it dammit! How did we got married?” I urged for answers. “You shall know it all soon. Don’t worry, I will show it personally - That's a promise." She said. "But for now just rest, please! You had a troubled day I presume, and I’m still having a very troubled night. My 'day' is just beginning.” She leaned over the bed to nuzzle me, her velvety muzzle caressed my cheek. Luna's warm breath made me shiver. I had kissed many women before, but none of them had wings, horns, fur, or anything that resembled a pony. It was odd, being so close to a creature that I barely knew, a creature from literally another world. Odder still was the lacking urge to run or avoid her touch; somehow it felt acceptable. If my family could see me... I thought. I would surely hear some harsh words about bestiality, or my soul going down to hell. Or both. To the hell with this! If hell exists, I already have a premium ticket. Luna locked her lips with mine, I felt her hooves around my neck but I didn't backed away, almost unconsciously I pulled her closer. It was strange to kiss something with a muzzle, but we managed to find a somehow comfortable position; that until I felt her tongue touching mine. I was not prepared for french-kissing a pony. I don't think any human is. But sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Or go to the dungeons. It's harsh, I know. I lowered my hands and touched something hard on her back, it was the muscular base of her wings, they were fully opened. I grabbed them delicately and pulled her chest closer to mine. She gasped and parted the kiss, a small string of saliva still connecting our mouths. “W-well…” I muttered. I hadn't much to say after that. “I h-have to go now. The night court will begin soon, and I can’t let my subjects awaiting.” She gave me a sheepish smile. Luna jumped from the bed and gave me a quick peck on my forehead. “Rest for now, the answers will come. Good night Rick.” “Ah, good night" I replied, confused. "Have a nice night court, whatever that is!” I added. She chuckled, leaving the room. You could think that being alone was a good thing; but it wasn't. When you’re alone you start thinking; and the sort of thoughts my mind formulated scared me. Life was strange; two days ago I was preparing myself to flee from Las Vegas, hiding from my wife, from the mafia, hiding from myself. I had no money or a family who cared about me. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't enjoying the whole situation; in fact I don’t think anyone would like to be insulated from his entire world and kind; believe me, you can think that this escape would be the paradise; but it's not. Here I was completely apart; there were no humans, no friends, and also no New York, Las Vegas, or Rio de Janeiro. There was nothing from my world I could relate, except me. I was in Equestria for no more than two days and I hadn't enough time to take my own conclusions yet, still, even after all those incidents, I was intact - I had a home of sorts... And I had a… Princess? I was in peace. If I could go back to Earth, to my race, to my personal world and problems, Would I really want to? Reality (!)A Night to Remember Today, I woke up with a strange feeling. Have you ever left home for work only to remember midway downtown that you forgot the stove on? If this never happened to you, then you don’t know what despair is. I’ll say a better example; you leave and forget to bring your cellphone with you. Yes, I know, it’s like forgetting one of your kidneys. Anyway, the thing is: Everyone knows how terrible it is to lost or forget something important, it doesn't really matter which of the previous examples defines you more. However, in my special case the whole thing was different - I can't just say I forgot to bring my cellphone - no, think as if it was the opposite situation; the whole world left me behind. There are no known songs to listen, or movies to watch, or drinks to drink, or people to fool. I can’t just stand up and say: ‘Hey princess, what about opening a portal straight to my home?’ Because they don’t fucking know where my universe is! Many of you must think that being stuck here is all fun and cuddles, but it's not. Shit, I’ll never get a chance to watch The Godfather again. Never! Do you remember my concussion? Yes, that stupid thing that happened inside my head. I don’t know if it was an excuse from Doctor Silver to make me stay there a little longer, she loves me, or if it was true; but apparently that thing was worse than I thought. During four days - Four freaking days, I had to stay there at the hospital ward, being nearly raped by needles and pointy measurement instruments, and worse... Being forced to eat vegetables. Hell, they made me eat brussels sprouts. Brussels mother fucking sprouts. ‘Because it's so good for full recovery and yada yada yada.’ When I was young and bumped my head somewhere around the house (it happened very often) my dad just grumbled something and I had to prepare an ice bag. But anyway, if you're thinking that these days in the hospital were just needles and stupid sprouts, then you’re wrong. Luna made sure I wouldn't waste a second of my time. She practically dictated half of the Equestrian history, going from the very primitive beginnings of the pony race, to the birth of the first alicorns. And according to her, there were still 'a few' eras to cover. But summarizing everything I learned: Almost every mystical creature you can imagine exists here. It's like bringing a fairy tale into life, and adding drugs. As it seems, Luna and Celestia are thousands of years old. I was quite a bit hesitant to question the fact, because my situation was already weird enough, with or without immortals. The flying unicorns - yes, I was indoctrinated to call them Alicorns - have some kind of control and influence over standard ponies. They behave like royalty, and are treated as such. Fucking apartheid if you ask me. I prefer not to talk about ‘Manehattan’ and ‘Las Pegasus’. These coincidences are far beyond my comprehension. And of course, how could I possibly forget this: Luna and her sister Celestia are the ones who control the heavenly bodies! Logic? Who cares about it anyway. For that I’ll just keep my promise of not trying to understand this place. Diferences apart, today I can finally get out of this hospital. Unfortunately, during my stay here - and because of Luna's twisted sense of day and night - my sleep cycle became completely insane. I'd wake up at 5 pm, and go to sleep around 8 am. And for these and other reasons, I still hadn't the pleasure of meeting the so called Princess Celestia. But I guess there were other problems involved on that. Maybe something along those lines: ‘My insane sister married a drunken multidimensional creature without my consent. I’m fucking mad with her.’ I'll give you a hint; if at some point in your life this happen to you, please remember to say at least a ‘hello’ to the multidimensional creature. We have feelings! I woke up to the sound of Luna's hoofsteps, as she walked into my room bringing a floating pile of clothes with her. Magic… It would take some time for me to get used to this. Of all the things in Equestria, the presence of magic in nearly everything was almost the equivalent of electricity on Earth. “Hey, finally some real vests! You know, bed sheets went out of style a week ago.” I said, chuckling. “Of course." She rolled her eyes. "These were made to measure for you” She tossed me the clothes. “I don’t remember anyon- anypony measuring me…” I raised an eyebrow. Those stealth ponies were everywhere! NSA would fucking love them. “Why am I not surprised?" She scoffed. "Come on Rick, just try them, I am eager to see how it looks!” She clapped her hooves together. Anyway, to the clothes; the small stack she gave me was actually a two pieces outfit, I don't really know the name of this sort of vest, but I believed it was some kind of robe. I don’t really know, but it reminded me of one of those fancy medieval clothes. Very soft to the touch, grayish like a fox coat. The second one was a dark crimson cloak, adorned with dozens of gemstones. “I-is this a D-diamond?” No way in hell, look at the size of this thing. “All these gems are diamonds. Why? You hate them too or something? We can remove-” It was by that moment my friends, was when I started to like Equestria. First day out of the hospital ward, and they give me a free diamond cloak. “No!” I pushed her hooves away. “I mean… No, I have no problems with diamonds. They’re very pretty, thank you.” I said, clutching the cloak firmly. No way in hell I would let she take my precious away from me. “And what are you waiting for? Try thy vests!” Luna nudged me. “But there are no... Underwear." I noted. “And why would you need that?” She inquired. “Ah… ” I sighed. “Never mind.” Who cared about underwear, I was wearing a bed sheet for god's sake. I was in no position to neglect a diamond cloak, and robe. "Could you at least, ah, turn around?” “And why would I do this?” She giggled. “Because I’m gonna be naked?” “And what's the matter? You've exposed your body plenty of times before!” Luna knew how to play with you. She wasn't half as naive as she pretended to be. “Yeah, and without my consent.” “I am naked right now, do this somehow bothers you?” She asked, wrapping the cloak around her back in a mockingly way. "C'mon Luna, your kind doesn't even wear any significant clothing, besides, you have this 'magical fur' to cover you up.” “Oh Richard, you’re such a difficult person.” Luna rolled her eyes and turned around. “But be quick, we don’t have the entire night!” “…fuck! Where… arrrggg… dammit, where do I put my head if this fucking hole won’t fit-” I contorted myself, a foot in the air as I tried to fit in my new outfit. “Shit Luna, can you please move your moon flank and help me?” I wondered how women on earth were able to wear those complicated dresses, without accidentally suffocating themselves to death. “Haven’t you said that we had to turn around while you swapped?” She mocked from my face. “Yeah, but this is an EMERGENCY!” There I was on the floor again, with half a robe wrapped around me. “Hahahahaha, oh Rick, how for my sister's sake did you managed to put your head through the sleeve?” She raised me with her magical grip and released me from my robe's mortal grasp. And there I was, being dressed by an Alicorn. It made me wonder what my ex would think about that. Oh Natasha, If you ever dreamed about half of these diamonds in my clothes right now. “…And done! That's how a robe is supposed to look like!” She beamed with pleasure. Luna adjusted my cloak alongside with a pair of boots they somehow tailored for me; I had to admit that the fabric - whatever it was - was fantastic. Slightly thick, but not heavy or uncomfortable, silken but not slippery. Crazy ponies and their magical stuff. “It fits even better than my bed sheets! Do you have a mirror here?” I asked. “I don't think so, but I can provided that.” After a flash of light, a large mirror appeared right in front of me. I stared at the reflection in the looking glass and couldn't clearly recognize myself, it wasn't me. It couldn't be. When light passed through the translucent stones the whole thing shone like starts in the firmament. There was no more Richard. There was an upgraded version of an once derelict human being. I may have overreacted, but the fact is that I never saw myself in such pristine conditions before, those were clothes tailored for a king, not for a stupid drug dealer. I did not deserved that. “L-luna… I… This is… Why?” “Why? Why what my dear?” “I mean, you have power, you are the princess of a nation, more than that: you’re the one who brings the moon and the entire night for this world. You can have anyone. But why, in all Equestria, did you chose me?” The mirror vanished away, and I couldn't help but look at her with fascinated eyes. “Richard…” She paced around. “Nothing in Equestria could have fulfilled my wished. I felt by the time we met - that we have a bond - and a very strong one. I don’t care about how many stallions I could have, nor I care about their titles or bloodlines. I love you the way you are!" God it was so cliche. “How can you say that? We met not a week ago, when I was drunk and out of my mind. I'm a terrible person... How can you love someone like me?" I shook my head, burying my fingers in the depths of my hair. "Luna I need to know what took place that night, what was so relevant to make you love me the way you say you do?” Luna sighed. “You gave me a purpose…” Oh damn, here comes the philosophic discussion about life, death, destiny and etc. “We had sex?” I pinched my nose. “What? I throw my soul and my heart in front of you and you start talking about carnal intercourse?” She didn't looked pleased at all. “But this is an essential part of love, isn't it?” Come on, women are difficult in every single dimension! “Yes Richard, it is important! So important that you even fell asleep over my worktable while we were supposed to be doing that.” And there goes my reputation down the drain. Oh but my reputation left me a long time ago. “Well, I'm sorry about that! I thought we had done it before. And you don't even answered my first question yet.” "Look Rick, I’ll explain this through the easier possible way: You had a concussion and damaged your head, if I try to show you our memories from that night with a spell, I will most likely 'break' your brain. And if you haven't noticed yet, you're still weak from whatever shocking experience brought you here, and I can’t put your safety at risk." “And why can’t you simply tell me in the traditional way; you know, speaking!” I insisted. “Because I don’t want to!" She smiled. "Besides, your curiosity amuses me. Just stay calm and relax Richard, I've made a promise to you, and I will keep it. Now stand up and let’s go, there’s a carriage awaiting for us." Forget it, if I learned something from life, is that you can never argue with a woman. Or a mare. Never! As we left the ward, I couldn't help but notice how empty were the hospital corridors, maybe ponies don’t get hurt that easily. "It is a private facility" Luna said, as if reading my thoughts. In our way to the front doors I finally spotted something alive; two armored ponies awaited for us right beside the entrance. "What the hell... I muttered. They had bat wings. I stood there and stared at the peculiar ponies, Luna noticed and turned around. “Are you alright?” The princess asked. “Oh, yeah, I was just- observing your guards' bodies..." That sounded anything but right. Luna looked at me with a crooked expression. "I'm not gay." I added. She just chuckled. “Nice wings by the way." I pointed awkwardly to one of the guards. "You guys look like Batman... With hooves. But hey, I'm talking nonsense here and none of you understand what say so...” Oh Jesus, my concussion was worse than I thought. As my odd monologue dissipated in thin air, the guards opened the front gates and we finally left the cold hospital building. And whoa! The ponies must be fantastic architects, because the city was outstanding. There was a large square right outside the hospital, white marble shimmered in every direction I looked. Surrounding the square several towers and buildings stood over us. They were decorated with countless types of gems, metals, windows, banners, flags, and every sort of ornament you could imagine. It was night, but the streets were brightly lit, I don’t know what kind of energy they use here, but given the circumstances I would say that it must be some kind of magical energy of harmony and kindness. Whatever. The hospital seemed to be located at the lower part of the city, because from there I could raise my head and spot the shiny castle right on top of the mountains, piercing the clouds. 'Shiny’ I gritted my teeth. “Let’s go Richard, you can appreciate the view later, now our carriage awaits for us.” Luna grabbed my arm with one of her wings, and tossed me on the backseat. “What the fuck is this?” I looked around, holding tightly on my seat. “Oh, my little human is afraid of heights?” Just think with me; there's a magical unicorn forcing me into a carriage driven by pony bats. Are you sure this sounds reasonable? “I-I’m not afraid of this thing! I am just- Ah never mind, I can’t argue with you, right?” Luna glared me. And I’m telling you, I met her a few days ago, and she already broke the glaring record of my grandmother. They know the evil art of speaking with the eyes. “You must know the answer.” She closed the door and nodded to the bat ponies. And there we were, flying through the skies in a carriage. For my personal luck, the carriage flew slowly, and just high enough to not crash on the nearby buildings. From there I could see, or should I say - I couldn't see a single pony walking on the streets, the whole place looked like a zombie town. "Just what happened to your citizens?" Luna, which now just checked some letters turned to look at me. "I raised a curfew today, with that we could return to the castle without being seen by many ponies" "And why would you do that, I mean they know about the marriage, don't they?" I asked dubiously. "No, they don't..." She looked quite a bit distressed. "At least not yet. Your presence here is like a 'top secret' matter." "How can the princess of an empire get married without anyone knowing? And all the ceremonies and flowers and whatever that happens in princesses marriages?" I asked, teasing her. "Richard, how could I provide a ceremony, flowers and 'princesses things' in such a short lapse of time?" She sneered at my remarks."Besides, our marriage was different. It was a soul bonding." "A soul what?" I tilted my head at the terms. "Sorry, I keep forgetting the 'don't ask' rule... I just don't get why would you marry a drunken mortal." "And who said you are a mortal?" Here comes the shivers again. "Ah... Life?" I replied, unsure of my words. "I mean, mortality is quite the obvious thing isn't it?" Luna giggled. "I don't know what life on Earth taught you, but here in Equestria things are slightly different. We bonded our souls with a powerful spell, and since I am an immortal Alicorn, you'll be immortal just like me. As long as you don't kill yourself of course." I won't say I fainted again. Put yourself in my position - in less than a week, I accomplished half of humankind dreams. I found intelligent life and made contact with it, I discovered real magic, I traveled through some kind of wormhole and survived, I married a princess, won free diamonds. And became immortal. For most of people, acquiring immortality must be imagined as some kind of mystical experience. Ethereal travels through the cosmos, finding the nonperishable flame, etc... Not with me. I just got drunk in Las Vegas. I'm a immortal being now, funny isn't it? No! What the hell would come next? A horn grows in my forehead, a cute little tattoo appears in my butt and I become a pink pony of love and kindness? Author's Note [Warning] I have not fixed the next chapters yet, my old shitty grammar is pretty much unchecked. Read at your own risk. [05/01/2016] Memory Lapses... (Kinda)A Night to Remember Oh the brain... Such a treacherous little organ. And there was me again, on my back upon a very worthy California King bed. I checked my vital sings to make sure I was still alive, everything was fine, so I walked along. Beside my cozy and warm mattress, the clock on the nightstand informed me the hours in red numbers: 06:37 pm Vegas is a city that never sleeps, but the best part of the night begins only after the clock strikes twelve. I stood up trying to shake my drowsiness away, feeling the cold breeze of the air conditioning system blowing against my neck, a chilling shiver ran down my spine. It was a city raised in the middle of Mojave Desert, living there was no easy task. Though the floor to ceiling windows of my suite I could see most of the Strip, unfortunately, the bloody hangover together with my poor vision wouldn't allow me to appreciate much of the sight. It is the price you have to pay for drinking too much, and caring too little about your body. I paced through the empty hallways of my room leading to the parlor, my shadow being my sole companion. Right next to the front door a letter awaited for me, probably another unpaid bill, I presumed. I felt sorry for the hotel manager, he could never imagine that the polite and charming Mr. Lorenzo would give his place the debt of the century. You know, daddy used to give me some good advice while I was just a little boy; very handy words by the way... One day he came back home after a long night at the local bar, he picked up an empty glass and a Johnie Walker bottle, sat on couch with a tired sigh, and said to me - 'Ricky, there's no better medicine for a hangover, than a good shot of Whiskey. Now be a good boy and bring your dad some ice.' Thanks dad, it was definitely one of the best things someone has ever said to me - this and 'if you smoke pot again you're gonna have a long talk with Mr. Leather Belt, ya' got it boy?' A warm bath, some shots of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of that precious beverage in my hands later, I left the room with a feeling of decaying confidence. The long hallways of Luxor surrounded the floors of the pyramid-shaped building, allowing the guests to have an incredible view of the lobby and stores far below. It gave me a hell of vertigo. Inside the elevator, I quickly checked my wallet and murmured something to myself. I had enough for only two or three days at the average nightclubs, but anyway; another dollar another day. I was tired of that sort of life. Tired of my ridiculous routine. I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my money in average days, hell no. I'd burn that shit with style, who cared about the future; I would wreck that place! And then the elevator door opened while I still leaned against it. Losing balance, I fell face first on the marble floor of the lobby. What a wonderful way to start my night. At least I could say I was lucky; my whiskey remained intact. It was around 8 pm, I had enough time to spend until my cinematic escape from the city tomorrow, walking to the hotel front desk, I asked for a valet to bring my car. What? I'm rich, and I like valets! While I waited for my car, something very strange happened. I was boringly walking around the lobby, enjoying displays filled with items I could never afford, until I noticed a large mirrored panel fixed on the wall. It was just a decoration of a jewelry store facade, but it really caught my attention; in the mirrored surface I could see the reflection of people passing through the lobby, as so from several casinos and bars of Luxor. The entire place pulsed with life, and I had this felling like... A dejavu, but it wasn't a dejavu. I can't describe it exactly, but was something like: 'Iwillnevergonnaseenoneofthisshitgainvu'. Oh damn... I must have drunk too much alcohol yesterday. "Mr. Lorenzo?" - Someone called me and pulled me out from the mirror trance. "Oh, y-yes, this is me. And you must be the guy who brought my vehicle!" I shook his hands "It's a pleasure to meet you!" The skinny guy wearing a starchy valet outfit (Yeah, they have outfits) smiled awkwardly at me. "S-sir, your car is ready, but..." He looked to the whiskey bottle in my hand "Are you sure that you're able to... Drive it?" Oh, this young one doesn't seems to know what big Richard here can do with a sport car and a nice bottle of whiskey. "Don't worry about this, I'm fine. Besides, today is a day to celebrate isn't it?" Strange, why am I feeling this peculiar joy? Oh Jesus, am I gay? What if- "Celebration? Have I forgot about any holiday?" Asked the valet confusedly. "Nope, It's my personal holiday, don't worry about it kiddo; just relax, go drink with some friends, catch some 'chicas'. You only live once so... Enjoy!" I got my car keys, placed a good amount of dollars into his shirt pocket, and left. Fuck it, I don't have much money, but I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. Finally in my car, my personal fortress. Inside this classy (and convertible) Maserati I felt like I floated in heavens, the large and cozy leather seats together with my fourteen speakers, aimed with 4.0 Advanced Sound System, made my vehicle a mix of a jet plane and a night club. Also, how could I forget about the- "Holy Shit!" I braked the car abruptly, as for a couple of feet I didn't run over a group of passersby crossing the street. Dammit, that would certainly mess with my freshly washed and polished beauty! Okay, forget the passersby; I need to solve a difficult and complex question; where would I blow my money today? I looked around the boulevard; every casino, bar, hotel, was a temptation for itself. I swear, this lights must utilize some kind of hypnotic stuff, they attract humans like moths! Let's see... I'm not in a good mood for poker today, or any kind of gaming by the way- Besides, my mind is in no sane condition for this, since I can barely tell the difference between an ace of spades, and my phone. No gambling for today I guess... About the bar; well, there are many places here, unfortunately I was kicked out or banned from nearly all of them. As I drove around the town, I couldn't help, but notice a new and vibrant building, which surely wasn't there last time I came to Vegas. 'The Cosmopolitan' Said the flashy sign right atop of the building. Bright lights, hot chicks, and as the outdoor says: 'Welcome to The Las Vegas Cosmopolitan'. Shit, he says that I'm welcome! It's more than enough for me; The Cosmopolitan, prepare your security guards! I parked my car and decided to give a quick glance around the place, it was built right next to one of the most traditional casinos of Las Vegas. From the patio I could appreciate the magnificent water show from the Bellagio fountains- Ah! The fountains... I still remember the day I decided to take a refreshing shower under those water arcs; sure, I also remember the security banishing me from approaching the casino again. Good times... My whiskey bottle was now almost at half, and It wasn't even midnight yet. Well, if I want to have some fun, better not get drunk before the party (I want to save my drunkenness for later) I was just steeping inside the bar, appreciating the amazing decor of the place, when I accidentally bumped against a guy, causing his smartphone to fly away from his hands and land a couple of feet ahead. "Ouch!" "Ops, excuse me..." I said "My fault, I was distracted." I leaned forward to grab his phone 'I just hope it has gorilla glass'- I reached it and immediately checked its screen, looking for any cracks. I couldn't help but notice a peculiar picture; why the hell this guy have a rainbow pony screensaver? Is this some kind of gay movement symbol or something- "Thanks..." The man took his phone from my hands awkwardly and walked away. Crap, who can even understand this world today huh? Rainbow ponies... Can you believe it? Anyway, inside the Cosmopolitan there was an incredible place called 'The Chandelier Bar', it was beautiful, luxurious, comfortable, and- GODDAMMIT! 15 BUCKS FOR A WATER BOTTLE! Holy shit! I think this is the price I have to pay for a stunning last night isn't it? And there was me again; sat on a bar stool, in the middle stages of drunkenness (that one when you start to get depressive). On the table by my side, a happy couple chatted casually, something about wedding preparations. Are they happy? I really don't care, but truly, I always wondered about how would it be, to have a normal life. You know what I'm talking about: An honest job, a wife, two kids, etc... But no; I never had none of this. I guess that's the reason of why I am like this today isn't it? I never had a normal family, my dad was the only one who really cared about me, mom left him while I was just a child. I really don't remember much about her. We had an enviable life, the best houses, cars, parties- But everything has its price... We never had enough time to grow roots on a city, it was just a matter of time until my father find problems with the local mobsters (or the police). And this happened ofter, and for a very good reason (not so good by the way) ; My father was an arms dealer. Nice childhood isn't it? I grown up hoping to escape from my dad's fate, but hey! The destiny like to play with us; just look who I became, look at this jerk ruining his life on Vegas. A bankrupt vodka dealer, expelled from his own home, and in debt with the Russian mafia- Daddy would be so proud... "...Another shot please" The clock showed two in the morning, and I was at my... Ermmm... Tenth shot (?) of whiskey. Dammit, even if they brought me diesel I wouldn't likely notice the difference. "Look who ve got here my vriends... Mr. Richard!" You're fucking kidding me! I turned around only to see- Holy shit, and I thought it was just an hallucination! "Dmitri?? Vlad?" "FUCKING RUSSIANS!" I jumped from my place, but where the hell went the casino? I looked around and saw nothing but a dim lit room (?) I checked my arms, my legs and my clothes; thanks god I was dressed.. I recalled the earlier events; I was in a carriage flying to Canterlot, Luna told me something about the 'soul bonding' thing she did with me, and about recently acquired immortality. Shit, this wasn't just another alcoholic coma after all- Not that I expected it to be; I mean, I passed out and came back to conscience almost four times since I reached this magical land of colored equines. The lights came on and dazzled my recently awake eyes- "Nightmares my dear?" I turned around towards the voice. There at the doorway was Luna, and I was lying over some kind of divan. Just hope that she has not taken me to a psychologist. Really, after these days events I don't think I'm able to answer a single question about me without freaking out. "Nah, just a strange flashback... Well, Kinda." I stretched my back across the divan and sat more snugly, leaning myself on its pillow. Damn, those ponies really know how to do the things right, huh? Luna smiled. "Good, so thou art finally recalling something! And what would be a 'Russian'?" She hopped on the divan and leaned her head against my shoulder. Reality strikes with full force again... Blue talking pony cuddling with me, and asking about Russians. I wonder, what would be the logical probabilities of something like this occur? I have diamonds in my clothes now. Fuck the logic. "Well... Russians are strange people who just need vodka to survive. They like bears, meteors, and if you ever meet one, he will probably live on a damn cold city" 'Oh Rick, what a beautiful stereotype' She tilted her head sightly to the left, trying to figure out the shit I just spoke "Erm... And, what would be this substance Vodka, that thou told us?" "Oh god... Just- Just forget about it ok? Vodka is a really bad thing." The princess just nodded. "Now, could you please explain to me why are we cuddling in some random couch at the middle of a hallway?" I looked at the surroundings, and saw nothing but a large corridor, flanked by large stained windows. "Oh yes... After thou swoon at the carriage, we let you resting on the divan of eternal dreams, while we were at the night court." "What for god's sake is a divan of eternal dre- *sigh* forget it... For how long I slept?" Remember your promises Richard; no questions about this place. "A few hours, the night court ended short time ago, and we decided to came here to take you back to our chambers, but when I went into the corridor you were screaming like a filly about Russians" Gee, I really have to stop fainting for every stupid reason, soon or later Luna will start to question my masculinity, and between us; when a magical unicorn call you filly... "Besides, we were just arranging something special for thee, since your last nervous breakup- And that concussion too..." The night princess leaned closer against me and moved her muzzle to my neck. Dammit, I'm dating with someone with a muzzle. 'This is so wrong...' I felt her warm breath against my skin, her hooves around me. "But only if it pleasures you... My master" Oh no "H-how the hell do y-ou know about... about the..." No way. "About thy 'thing' with the master word?" She deviously grinned; still too close to my neck in a way that a single move made me shiver. "Let's just say that be the princess of the dreams, have its benefits" She whispered. Great, now my wife can read my mind and search for my deepest thoughts. Thank you, God! I was in no position to deny this, I just stood there gaping. It's not every day you have your own secrets throw at your face like this. "So, what do you say to me master, can we go to our room to play?" Luna stood up and swung her flank just enough to tease me. For my father's sake, why this place needs to be so cruel with me? Where all my morals and doctrines about this kind of stuff went? "Pleeease my lord, we don't have all the night..."She bit her lower lip. 'Jesus! This freaking pony is asking for it!!' Lip bites and bed eyes were enough for me. I jumped from that couch and wrapped my arms around Luna, kissing her passionately. "I will show ya' how things works on Vegas miss..." I placed her hooves around my neck and pined her body right on the wall, while we interlocked our tong- Wait a sec. Why this wall have handles? And why its opening???? "Oh crap" It wasn't a wall, no, far from it. The two huge double doors that I shoved Luna into, burst open and made us flew right on the ground, I landed right over her, my hands pressing against the base of her wings. "Oh master, this is so brutal and... Wild!" Oh god. "... Hmmmph, show me! Show me how they do it on earth!" While Luna moaned beneath me, I looked forward only to spot- "Luna stop!" I stood up from the awkward position, just to see a confused Luna staring at me from the floor. "What now? Master don't want to play on the ground?" Won't she shut the fuck up? I held Luna's head and turned it to the side. And there was she; Princess Celestia, at her working desk staring agape at the scene unfolding before her. There are moments in your life when you just wish a place to hide and die alone. I'm a imaginative guy, and already thought about many strange probabilities, but none of them came even close to this one. Your wife elder sister finds both of you rolling on the floor of her office doing some kind of foreplay, and worst of all; she is a pony, a goddess, and- Dammit Richard! Foreplay with an alien unicorn for fuck's sake! Celestia just saw her 'little' sister talking dirty right in front of her and worse: calling me master. I just hope they have good accommodations there in the dungeons... How to be a 'Prince'A Night to Remember "Come on Richard, it wasn't that bad." Luna trotted by my side giggling. We were just caught by her sister, in a very... Let's say, 'exotic' situation. Such a great way to present yourself to the local goddess; almost rutting her 'little' sister on the floor, but of course 'it wasn't that bad' A few moments earlier My mind was racing; ideas, ideas, ideas, Fuck! I need to say something! (Not related to 'fuck' of course) Luna was frozen by my side; but anyway, I think it's better this way, I truly fear what she could say to explain this shit. Not like we had much to explain, I mean, it was quite obvious when Luna said the 'Master don't want to play on the ground?' part. 'Okay Richard, stay calm, you're an immortal being right now, this way any extra shame would be a shame for the rest of the eternity' Thank You brain! You are FUCKING helping me! "S-sister... W-we were just-" Oh no no no no no, you're not going to talk miss... 'Quick, think of something your hairless monkey!' "W-we were just practicing for a play, that's all!" "You know... about slavery on earth and etc... To teach the kids- No! Foals, yeah... foals, about how the earth is bad, and how they need to love each other." Hell, I just worsened it. Both princesses turned their heads to look at me, as if expecting some kind of conclusion. Crap, I just came this far, I have to give this 'play' an end isn't it? "Erm... Luna was acting like a fugitive slave! Yeah- Being caught by her master. And this is why she was calling me master and-" Celestia chuckled, and left her desk towards me. "That's alright Richard, I have no problems with light bondage..." She fucking whipped my leg with her tail "In fact, your idea of 'master and slave' is quite normal among some couples" "...and I like it!" She... Oh god, she licked her lips. Now was my time to gape. "I- I was just... HEY! This wasn't my idea, this is Luna's fault!" I pointed to the sightly blushed Alicorn beside me. "My fault? Thou threw us at the door, and it is my fault?" "Of course it is! You was the one who had the brilliant idea of sift through my mind, looking for my- my..." "Thine ridiculous fetishes!" "I don't have any fet-" Celestia stuck her hoof into my mouth. "It's enough!" She giggled "There's no need for both of you to debate this right here. Now, why don't you two just find a spare room to... 'Practice for the Play' " "SISTER" Luna gasped. "Ha ha, I'm just teasing you Lulu; but taking advantage of your presence here, why don't you present me your little coltfriend, or should I say... 'flashy husband' " Before Luna could say something, I decided that it was my time to act (again). Like a man of course. "Oh, my apologies your... Holiness-" "Highness" Luna hissed in my ear. "Yeah... Highness, as you may know, my name is Richard Lorenzo, and- What the hell is a 'flashy husband'?" The sun princess just broke into laughs. Have I lost anything? "Well, it's about the way you got here. Didn't Luna told you? The lightning and the mares reaction to-" " 'Tia " Luna cut her. "This was supposed to be a secret!" Wait just a sec- "Secret? What are you hiding from me? Why don't you spill the beans about this fucking story?" Celestia seemed a little surprised when heard my response. "Wait, both of you... What's exactly happening here?" Said the confused sun princess. "And this is what we were trying to inform you 'Tia; he forgot everything since his departure. Richard don't rememeber anything, saved from a few memory lapses" Here we go... After quite the explanation of the century Celestia finally understood the situation, but of course that my bucking wife convinced her to not tell a thing about that damned night. Jesus! These princesses have the worst sense of humor I ever heard about. And that mare, Celestia... Who she think she is? A comedian? Just because she can move the sun, fly, and read my mind, doesn't mean that she can perform a stand up show. We left her study about an hour after the 'talk', it was almost four in the morning, and I was- Fucking... Tired... This week has been certainly the worst one in decades. And please, don't ask me the reasons of why it's been this way; I'm sure you already know about the 'Alien Planet Teleporting Incident'. We finally reached Luna's chambers, I didn't remembered much about the place, I just saw it a single time, which was when I woke up here. But I surely remember that table... Anyway, tables aside, I want a bed, and I want to bury my face on its pillows right now! "Soooo... Ricky..." Luna said to me, as I changed my clothes and jumped on the princess sized bed. "Yes Luna?" She hopped on the large round bed, vanishing below the dark bed sheets, and appeared exactly by my side. "Now that we are alone... Why don't we-" -"No." I glared her. "No? But you don't even listened to our question!" "Because I know exactly what you would ask for, and as I presume, it involves you moaning and calling me master." She rolled her eyes. "And wouldn't you want that?" She asked while licking my neck- "Dammit Luna!" "I just got out from the hospital, after being threw into your world and apparently married you, we got caught by your sister doing- God, I don't even know what we were doing!" I sighed. "Look, I just want to... Rest, okay?" I played with her mane. "I promise, that we'll do this. Just be a little more patient okay? I'm still getting used to... You know... Ponies." Luna groaned. "You're such a boring creature!" She turned away from me. "Nope. I'm just tired." I muttered while staring at the ceiling, when suddenly a question came to my mind; "Do you really need to sleep? I mean, aren't you like a goddess or something?" Richard, why do you still question this freaking nonsense world? "No, In fact, we don't require sleep, it's more related to a social convention. We usually rest during the day, allowing my sister to fulfill her duties apart from my influence" To hell I'm gonna spend my day alone with that sunny weirdo! "So I'm going to be just by myself during the entire afternoon?" "Oh, don't worry about that, I may be able to stay a few days awake, until you get used to the castle, and adjust your sleep cycle. What is thou usual sleep time?" She asked. "Well, it depends... If I'm sober, what I suppose I will be during mostly of my days here, then I might probably sleep at three or four in the morning, awaking around noon. Right on time for lunch!" Luna smiled, and kissed my cheek. "Then I should see thou at noon, now have thine rest. Tomorrow will certainly be an interesting day." And here comes the peculiar feeling again... Just look at me, being put to sleep by this mare, Luna, that besides all ~~her~~ our oddities and differences, cared about me since I got here. A mare. What an unlikely world; I wonder, where would I be right now, if I were on earth? Maybe dead, or in those Russians hands. But no. I'm here, laying half asleep, with a strange, but wonderful pers- pony, cuddling with me. God is such a creative guy isn't he? I shifted under the warm bed sheets, I really want to sleep a little bit more, but my stomach does not allow me to do so. What was the last decent meal I had? I mean, I don't remember eating anything except vegetables since I got here. Damn, I know these ponies are vegetarians, but couldn't someon- somepony at least cook an egg for me? Hmmmm... Delicious eggs with toast and some butter... Okay stomach, you won. Fuck it, I give up! I threw the covers away from my face and I'm greeted with complete darkness. Well, at least be married to the princess of the night has its privileges! Luna must have done some kind of 'witchcraft' to these blinds, to make her room look darker during the daytime. I search the over the bed blindly, but apparently she's nowhere to be found. I stood up still a little dizzy due to my sleepiness, I can barely see my own hands in front of my face. Walking around the room like an idiot, shaking my arms randomly, expecting to find a wall or maybe a - "OH FUCK. MY LEG!!" Jesus Christ, the pain. I tripped over something, trying to get some balance I desperately wrap my arms around the first thing I manage to grab. And look! I've found the curtains. Moments of pain and blindness later, here I was on the floor again. Gee I didn't expected it to tear apart. Holy mother, I almost fell through the window! Anyway, now that I have some decent light, and a decent swelling in my leg, I just need my clothes. And for Celestia's sake! I need a bath. Bath taken, teeth brushed, clothes- Luckily nopony stole them from me. I glanced the mirror just to make sure it was everything on its place, you have to be careful here dude, apparently they don't have any kind of underwear in Equestria... Everything's fine, shoes are okay, and I'm not stinking. Now... Where's the dinning room? As I opened the door and went into the hallway, I remembered why this place is called a 'castle'. After going down an almost endless staircase, I ran into a larger and wider corridor with dozens of doors, heading to god knows where. 'Dammit Luna, couldn't you at least send a guard to escort me?' And my prayers were attended! Somehow... Through the same corridor, comes the stupid captain, 'Prince Shining Armor' guardian of the blah blah blah. I swear, one day I'll hug this small piece of white cute fur- Crap, what the hell brain? Never mind, I want food, and this guy knows where the food is! "Look who we got here, isn't Shinning Little Armor?" What? His reaction to teasing amuses me! The captain halted in the middle of his way. "What are you doing here creatu- Prince Richard" Jerk... "Hang on partner, I just want to get to the food. Do you know where Luna is?" I walked closer to him, cautiously of course; I really don't wanna stand on the way of one of these pointy horns. "Princess Luna, is with her majesty Princess Celestia at the dinning room." Perfect! Food, and company. "Great, I'm starving here, couldn't you show me the way? I mean, alone I'll probably just get there for the dinner." He rolled his eyes and nodded. Gee, why this guy hates me so much? Just because I said that 'I'm gonna stuck your horn into-' Never Mind, here's a good question. "Why do you hate me?" I asked as I followed him through the castle corridors. He maintained the pace but tried to avoid my eyes. (Which was easy, these ponies barely reach my waist) *sigh* "I prefer not discuss that with you..." You're not going to avoid the big human here, little unicorn. "C'mon dude, I can be an idiot, but I remember clearly what you said; 'I know everything about your rotten planet and blah blah blah' Also, what the hell happened to your sister?" I asked "I've said before, I don't wanna talk about this, besides, you wouldn't understand... No one would" He shrugged "Look, I don't know what's your problem with my kind, or what they did to you in the past. I can be a moron sometimes, but I assure you that I would never, never, do anything to your pony friends. If you don't wanna talk about this, fine! Just stop judging me based on your 'dark' god knows what experiences-" "First door on the left. The princesses must be awaiting for you." He turned and left; I could swear I saw a tear running down his face. I stood there at the doorway, Shining Armor vanished in one of the many hallways. He can avoid me now, but one day I'll find out his secrets. I would follow him and offer a friendly shoulder to cry, but never mind. I just want some food. Oh the paradise! I opened the doors leading to the dinning room, and dear god; there were food, plenty of it. Salads, breads, cheese, and many other tasty things that I don't have idea of what it was. It had so much food that I almost didn't noticed Celestia teaching Luna how to eat a banana. What the- She spat the fruit, and threw it away with a magic blast. I would ask about it, but never mind, I really don't wanna lose my appetite. And talking about appetite, I was in trance with all that pony food; I just sat down on a random chair, not even bothering to talk with the two red faced alicorns right across the table. Were do I begin? Bread, oh delicious bread! I got some cheese and- what's this? Lettuce? I stuck everything inside the bread, and build a sandwich. Of course they don't eat any kind of meat here, but thanks to the angels, gods, heavens, whatever's up there, they don't mind- "Eggs!" When I was just about to toss some inside my sandwich, Luna took my fork and my plate away with her magic. "Richard!" "Thou art a Prince now, and shall act as one!" She dragged my chair to her side. "Thou must sit by my side at the table, make use of the correct silverware to each kind of food, as so as the cups!" ... And took away my glass of juice, which I had placed in a wine goblet. "Oh, come on, I'm starving! And, why do you need silverware if you can magically levitate your food?" I asked "It's a matter of etiquette Richard, it's impolite to levitate food!" Oh the irony... "Interesting for you to say that food levitation is impolite, when yourself was like... Harassing a banana!" She gasped at that. "I w-wasn't... I-It was just-" Celestia just laughed at her face. "Please Lulu, just let the poor famine eat! You can save the etiquette lecture for later." Luna rolled her eyes. "Very well Richard, eat what thou wilt. Just don't go around thinking that we will forget about the etiquette." She sighed "We should send you to a good manners school" Hmmmmm, then the pony thinks that I don't have manners isn't it? Very well, I must show her what dad taught me... During the rest of the lunch as well of the entire day, I spoke, acted, ate, walked and behaved as the worst type of snooty noble in this world. On earth, while I was young, my family was somewhat used to deal with these kind of idiots, and as the first and only kid of my father, I had to learn every single boring detail of this stupid of lifestyle. From how to fold and eat a lettuce, to how speak and act like a royal 'blue blood'. And talking about blue bloods... I had the interesting experience of meeting one of Celestia's nephews. A stallion ironically named Blue Blood. Coincidence isn't it? Anyway, he's just a cocky, dumb unicorn. But for an unknown reason, he seemed to like me. Maybe it has some relation with my noble way of speaking, or due to my little story about how I was the king of 'Vegas Empire' on earth. Can you believe it? The guy almost licked my shoes after that! Ha ha "...I have to say Princess, this was surely one of the finest dinners I ever had. Of course the presence of your majesty added an extra touch of splendor to the night. I can't barely wait for delight myself with another of these delicious hors d'oeuvres, surely the chef would-" "For my sister's sake Richard. Stop!" It's working! "Oh, my apologies your highness, did I said something inappropriate? It was not of my intent to bother you my Princess, if you want, I can-" "Stop Stop Stop! We surrender! I was wrong about this, you're an educated and polite human! Now can you please, stop acting like Blue Blood? It's killing me!" She said. "Oh... About that... I thought you wanted me to act like a prince." Yes Richard, soak your words with sarcasm! *sigh* "Yes we wanted, but we also were equally wrong! Please Rick... Just cease with this." I chuckled at the pleading pony. Very well, she learned her lesson. Yet, I have other plans in my mind. "Okay Luna, I'll stop." I said. "Oh thanks Celestia!" She hugged me. "I'll stop with one condition..." A grin spread through my face. Damn, I could be an incredible villain. "Condition? What kind of condition?" "Oh, nothing too relevant I assure you. In fact, it's quite simple: You just have to tell me what exactly happened on the night I came here, and I'll quit acting like an idiot." Boy, that was just... Evil! Fuck it, this is how life works girl, living and learning. " I-I, how could y-you! *sigh* Fine!" Victory!! I was happy, shit, how I was happy! It was a stupid joy of course. Knew about how we married wouldn't solve my problems (not that I have any major problem right now.) Anyway, I just kissed Luna. I mean, it was the least I could do isn't it? "I'm sorry about that okay? But I need to know soon or later..." "We know this. I just wasn't sure how would we tell you that. But couldn't you wait until tomorrow? We vow to tell everything you must want to know!" The night princess said, holding my hand with her hoof. "Fine, It's a deal!" I smiled, she smiled, everyone-pony won! Luna went to her night court, It was late and I decided to have some sleep. I was slowly getting used to the castle, well, at least the path between her tower, and the dinning room. Halfway to the staircase, something outside caught my attention; In one of the nearby towers, a faint purplish glow enlightened its windows. But it wasn't the glow who drew my sight, yet, the silhouette of a pony right on the top of it, sitting on the roof. What the hell? It couldn't be Celestia or Luna, because it was significantly smaller than the princesses. It had a horn; this way the options were restricted to an Alicorn, or a suicidal Unicorn. The mysterious being flew from the tower and disappeared on the night skies. I don't fucking know what the hell it was, but a shiver ran through my spine. What I did? Of course I ran like a little girl to my room and hid under the covers, everyone knows that monsters can't get you here! Or can they? Author's Note Yes, Finally an update. I must say, I wasn't expecting this story to reach over 50 likes (I know that 50 likes are irrelevant) but anyway. Please, remember to like/favorite the story! It helps it helps me to stay happy (Yay!) Just hope you've enjoyed this chapter, and as ever, feel free to comment about it! Until next one. PedroHander Remembering (Something)Author's Note Huzzah! Yes my friends, a new chapter of A Night to Remember! This chapter was half done for almost a month, and today, I decided to finish it. Sure, I'm a lazy bastard. Anyway, feel free to point me eventual misspellings, etc... I really try to avoid them. Hope you like it! PedroHander Remembering (Something) A Night to Remember Hmmmmmm, Gummy bears... That was literally a delicious dream you could say. Here I was, wandering in some kind of candy land, giant gummy bears trotting happily by my side. Wait... Trotting? I glanced around, and my friendly bears were replaced by- "Candy Unicorns??" Hmmm, maybe their horns are made of caramel! Yes... I did it. Such a bad idea! Never try to lick an unicorn horn, even if they're just a dream! "Richaaaaard, what have you done! Only she is allowed to lick out horns! Now you've awakened the Purple Demon!" Shouted a candy pony next to me. Noooooo! I hate demons! I should have listened to my fellow candy friends. A demonic roar came out from a chocolate cave, followed by a purple mist that curiously, smelled just like strawberry. Well, at least if it kills me, I shall have a sweet death- Unfortunately, the cave thing... Let's just say that 'sweet' wasn't the best choice of words to describe it. A large alicorn, pony, whatever this shit is named, came flying towards me; a candy cane on its horn place. Yeah, I was screaming and running like a little girl. "Noooooooooooooo" I cried "You'll give me diabetes!" The lavender demon crashed over me, and with its hooves, pinned my body to the ground. "P-please! I swear, I'll n-never eat candy again, just let me live for God's sake!!" "I don't want your life Rick!" Said the demon, which curiously had a feminine voice. Yeah, new century, new sexual identities. "I want your LOVE" No no no no no! No more ponies loving me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I screamed under the beast. I felt the lack of surface under my back, and following the 'lack', my body landed with a thump on the floor; bed sheets and pillows all over my face. "Richard!!" Someone lifted my body from the cold tiles, and back to the... bed? What the- "Luna??" I shook my head. Rubbing my temples along with my forehead, I focused my eyes and saw a confused pony in front of me. "Oh dear... Memory lapses again?" She asked. It took some time for me to return completely to my senses, of course, after a psychedelic dream like this, I wouldn't be surprised if Luna said to me that she injected acid inside my veins. 'Yo, homie, I gave 'ya that celestial blue sky zen that thou enjoy' "No." I rested my head against the pillows with a puff. "It was just a... 'Candymare'." Luna chuckled. "A candymare? Well, we surely never heard about one of these before!" She leaned by my side. "Believe me honey, you don't wanna know..." I sighed "Errrrm, just for the record, unicorns don't have candy cane horns... Do they?" Just to make sure that I'm not having one of that inception dreams. "No Rick, they don't. At least until now we haven't met anypony with a candy cane horn" Oh, thanks god! "Good, good- Now I can resume my sleep in peace" I threw the covers over our bodies. "Then be it, have a good night Rick" She pecked my cheek. "Rest thy brain, thou will have to use it tomorrow when we show our reminiscences" Oh dammit, I completely forgot about that! Well, I just hope not find out something I'll regret. Like being raped by the guards... 'Go to sleep brain!' A faint light reached my closed eyelids. Oh no, it's morning already! I reluctantly opened my eyes, Luna was sleeping by my side, good thing... At least I don't have to roam around the castle searching for food alone. Yesterday's incident made a large tear on the blinds, allowing the entrance of a good amount of sun rays, lighting up the quiet and therefore gloomy night princess chambers. Silently I hopped out from the bed, not wanting to disturb her sleep (Unnecessary, but nonetheless cute as heaven) Since a few days ago, I began to think about the outside world, I mean, I can't leave the castle nor speak to almost anyone- anypony. All this plus the fact of 'Hey, I'm the only fucking human here' was really messing with my mind. I stood there, in front of the panoramic windows, gazing the city below my feet. These ponies really know how to build towers, Luna's room was located on... Dunno, 30th floor? I don't like heights, or towers; in special if they're made of wood and stone. What? Did you thought that this castle was built with reinforced concrete? "It is a beautiful city isn't it?" I turned my head, Luna was by my side at the window; didn't noticed her coming. I just confirmed the question with a nod. "It wasn't there when we got... Exiled, ages ago. We do still remember the first time we saw Canterlot, such beautiful buildings, lovely citizens. Very different from the ancient castle that we princesses, used to live erstwhile. "Yeah... I'm hungry, can we get some food?" My stomach grumbled something. "For my sister's sake Richard! Does your mind only think about food and alcohol?" She rolled her eyes. "No, you forgot about candy and sex!" I giggled. "But seriously speaking, can we eat now?" Hmmmm, I hope they have eggs today... "No, we can't" "Ahhhhhhh, whhyyyyyy?" And now I just begged food to a flying unicorn. "The spell for memory exchange can produce some, well... Some undesirable side effects." She made a disgusted face. "Let's just say that we don't wish to clean your vomit from the carpet." "Oh, and you really want to perform this spell now?" I asked "Well, yes! I thought it was of your desire." She stated. "Yes. Of course I want, just..." *Sigh* "Go ahead." Disappointed, I looked to my stomach. 'I'm sorry buddy, but our fun has to wait' Very well, I have never been hexed before, should I open my arms, dance, mimic a shaman or something? I just extended my arms and took a deep breath- "Richard, what do you think you're doing?" The princess cocked an eyebrow at me. "W-what? I really don't know, what should I do?" She chuckled. "Just sit on the couch." Sit on the couch? She's about to perform real magic on me, and I'll be just sitting on a couch? And all the mist, runes, sparks? "This shouldn't take long, It's just a brief sight from a single night after all; now please, stay quiet while I build the spell" Okay mom. You know, I'm an anxious guy; five minutes later, Luna was still working on the spell, her eyes closed while she focused on god knows what. As the spell grew, her mane began to sparkle even more than usual, along with a navy blue mist around her horn. "Is this supposed to happen-" Ops... "This wha-" Oh shit. lost focus, lost focus The burst of magic flew right to my face, making my eyes spin around its orbits; I was so fucking dizzy, my guts contorted inside my body. Fuck, now I understand why this has to be made while unfed. "Mo-ther of... Is t-that my pancreas?" Last thing I said before passing out. No, it doesn't make any sense. Finally, I could regain some conscience, the first thing I noticed was that I wasn't in the room anymore, I was floating like a ghost. Shit I'm dead? "... And then you can lick it, just like this!" I searched for the voice, only to see Princess Celestia teaching Luna how to... " Sister! Do we really need to know that?" Oh not the bananas again! "Oh my god! Wrong memory Luna; definitely, wrong memory! LET ME OUT OUT OUT OUT" A light came from nowhere, bringing my floating corpse back to reality. "What the hell was tha-" "Don't... Ask about it, please." Her face on a deep crimson tone, Luna facehoofed. I'm sorry, but I can't handle this anymore. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- Y-you just had to see your face! Do y-you ponies have some banana fetish?" I broke in laughs. Luna glared me furiously. "I said you should not interrupt us!" She slapped my face with a fucking wing! "Ouch!" "Now stay quiet! Just look what thou have done! We're gonna have to start all over again!" She shook her head disapprovingly "But you hit me-" "Quiet! Or I'll make sure you will not receive any desserts for a month" Now this shit got serious... "Thou art allowed to speak now" Luna's voice came out from- I don't really know where it came from. "Ahhh..." I looked around me "Why do I have wings? And why the hell I'm you, or you are me on-" "Who said 'you are me'?" Luna suddenly appeared in front of me. I swear, this mare have to stop doing these kind of things. "I'm in your body! And you are in your body, which mean that we are on the same body, but different! What the hell Luna!" She giggled. At this point I don't really know if giggles are a good or bad thing. Her sense of humor is kinda sordid. "Don't worry, you'll not be a princess for so long; this spell is simple, it makes thou see and experience what happened with the spell caster on a predetermined lapse of time" "Ah, I don't think I g-get it..." Snall words lady, small words. She huffed. "It makes you see what I've saw!" Ohhhh, pretty much better now! "Okay then, but I'm not seeing anything except you and a dark room" I looked around, just recognizing some few objects in the darkness. "That's because we were sleeping. Just be patient and see..." *Knock* *Knock* *Knock* Somepony slammed the door. On a flash, all the lights came on, revealing the night princess room. "Who came to our gates so early in the night?" She spoke. A strange tone in Luna's always strong and immaculate voice. Could even be mistaken for- As she stood up and slowly trotted to the door, a large mirrored wall revealed the princess face; dark circles around her eyes, reddish eyes... Her wings messed up, feathers and fur disheveled and uncombed. "Luna, were you crying-" I turned around, but her oneiric body wasn't with me anymore. She left me alone inside her memories. The sound of doors opening made me turn around again. "What does thou desire in my chamb- Oh... Captain Shining Armour." Holding a sob, she tried to maintain the composure in front of him. 'After all, she was a Princess, and Princesses couldn't exhibit weakness.' After a long bow, he turned to face her again; a concerned look in his face. "My princess... Forgive me for this obtrusion, you know that as your subject, I don't usually do something like this. But as your loyal friend, I worry about you." Looking down to him, Luna depressingly sighed. "We know." She whispered "Princess, It already makes four days since you came out from your room. Your sister and-" "Don't talk about our sister... Not now" She brought one of her hooves to her face and rubbed her tired eyes. "I-I'm sorry. It's just- Princess, we don't want that to happen again. We just wish your happiness, that's all." Backing away a few steps, Shining stood there, midway to the door. "That's not going to happen again Captain, I'm just... *Sigh* We don't know." Wow, I knew that Luna was kinda dark and stuff, but emotional hardcore? That's new. And I thought this went out of style a couple of years ago... "Princess, since Twilight's incident I'm feeling down too, but now she's fine, and that's what really matter. The problems are gone! stayed there, in the past." "What you say, why don't we go eat something? Or just walk around a little bit, It doesn't matter. I just want you to feel better, as every loyal subject that you have wants." Luna seemed to think for a while, maybe pondering about the captain's proposal. "We believe that food would be of no harm to us." She smiled; the first one in many days. As the memory developed itself, there were no signals of the- well, the 'true' Luna to be seen. That's strange of her part, but who am I to judge? Normality doesn't seems to be an active force in this world anyway. I boringly observed the talk flowing between the two ponies sat alone, side by side on a large dinner room. I'm not a psychologist, but I believe that I'm smart enough to understand what was happening with Luna. Considering her own words, and well... She was crying, so it's probably some serious stuff or well- Never mind, I was wrong, I'm not smart enough to understand it. Hurried hoofstep sounds echoed through the room, Luna and the captain turned their heads just to see a group of guards hastily halting in front of them. "Silver Spear, haven't I said this was a private meeting?" Shining rhetorically asked. "We *puff* know Captain *puff* but this is an emergency!" Still breathless, the guard said. "What happened? We demand to know!" Luna stood and walked to them. "My princess, there's an unknown creature running naked around the throne room! It smells like hard cider mixed with..." Silver Spear stopped in mid sentence and blushed. "Speak Sergeant! It smells like what?" Ordered the captain. "Excuse me princess, it may be improper for me to say but it's the only way I can describe it... It smells like a virile stallion urine, we d-don't know what to do, the creature just popped out from nothing, we even had to lock the maids away from him." He blushed even harder. "Did he tried to do something with them?" The night princess angrily asked. "N-no m-my princess, no... The opposite! The mares were trying to 'reach' him! They seemed to be practically immersed in some kind of trance, or love spell." Oh heavens, I'm feeling more awkward moments coming to my collection! "Gather your men together Sergeant, our priority now is catch this creature. I'm going to see this thing with my own eyes-" "No!" Luna said. "Thou art not going anywhere, we are going to deal with this being alone." She stated, to the guards surprise. "Princess this is nonsense, he can be dangerous, don't you remember what Sergeant Silver said? All the mares were poisoned by him!" Silver nodded with his head. "No Captain, I'm a royal Alicorn; nopony in this world can hex us, besides, we are fully capable of dealing with this!" Ah... Well, that's really strange, personally I wouldn't deal with someone like me even If I was a god. "But it's dangerous! He can harm you-" "What we said is stated. I'm going to see the creature alone, besides, don't you think about how dangerous it's for you and your guards to expose yourselves to him? What if this creature can make colts fall in love with him too?" That definitely made the captain think twice before complaining. "Ermmm.... As y-you wish your majesty. Just, please be careful." And that's my friends, is how you place a man on the edge, threatening his masculinity! "There's no need for worry, we shall be fine." Determined to prove her skills, Luna left the room. She was a princess! She could do this right? This would certainly show Celestia that she wasn't a fragile filly anymore... Luna had to do it. Bullets, Russians and Jack DanielsAuthor's Note Yes, a new chapter of A Night to Remember! YES! Finally! After months, I managed to write about Richard and his misadventures through Vegas. I recommend you to re-read the previous chapters, they were rewritten and now they have 90% less grammatical errors. (I hope so) Don't forget to give the story a like! (If you like) Opinions, suggestions, critics, feel free to comment. Until next chapter, PedroHander Bullets, Russians and Jack Daniels A Night to Remember The handle slowly turned, captain Shining Armor stood outside while Princess Luna peered through a small crack between the door and the wall. However, the so called 'Mysterious Creature' was nowhere to be seen. Was this a good sign? I don't fucking know. Particularly, I would be pretty scared if I had to deal with myself in such peculiar conditions. Yet, 'fear' was a word banished from Luna's dictionary. She took a deep breath, prepared a simple protection spell just in case the creature decided to attack, and walked decidedly inside the throne room. During the long and eventful life of Luna, she had plenty of opportunities to witness a large part of all the oddities available in Equestria. From tentacles to chocolate rain, yet, literally nothing in this world could prepare her to him. With a click, the door closed, leaving the pony alone with whatever she could find- sleeping over the lavish celestial throne. Right there, with one of his arms limply hanging out from the armrest, was Richard; naked and asleep. A few scratches here and there, but nonetheless, alive. Inside his drunken mind he was only taking a well deserved nap inside his car. Unfortunately, Luna was unable to see the beauty behind an alcoholic nap, to the princess 'Richard' was an unknown being; naked, stinking and profaning the royal throne of Equestria. She stared at him for a few minutes, trying to find a logical and safe way to approach. Oh well, she could levitate the creature out of the throne and simply throw him away through the window; yes, that would be easy, but a little bit harsh... Or maybe she could- "Heeey little horseeey! Damn, I love these *hiccup* themed casinos." Luna's soul almost jumped from her own body when she heard that stupid and intoxicated voice. It's not everyday a hairless primate call the princess 'little horsey'. "W-who art thou? And what art thou d-doing over our Celestial Throne?" She spoke in a sightly shaky Royal Canterlot Voice. "Oh fuck, I'm in trouble again aren't I?" He sighed. "Sorry little blue horse... I'm leaving your chair now-" Before the princess could even consider the situation, Richard hopped out of the throne- but failed miserably in standing. His sore and tired body collapsed face first on the floor, right at the stairway. "Hmmmmmmmmmph" A muffled grunt escaped from his throat, his cheek was smashed against the stair, luckily, he was too drunk to feel real pain, at least for awhile. Luna gaped at the scene unfolding in front of her "For my sister sake! Art thou alive?" Still reluctant, she levitated him from the ground. He wriggled under the magical grasp "Ahh I'm jusht fiiiine, don't worrey little hor- Damn, why am I bleeding?" The princess wasn't really prepared to this, when she came to the throne room, she expected to fight heroically against some kind of demonic beast- not a decrepit moaning monkey. Luna laid his body on a nearby couch and stood in front of him, judging by the creature size she wasn't looking really imposing. Of course she could tear him apart from existence in a second, but this was not the case. "Thou bleed because thou wast stupid." She sighed. "Now press this against thy wound-" She magically generated a piece of cloth and pressed it against his forehead. "Ouch!" He flinched. "It was your fault, now keep pressing!" She rolled her eyes. Sat on her haunches only a few hooves away, for long minutes the princess just stood there, staring at the unknown being. She observed every insignificant movement of him, trying to absorb as much information as possible. In the meantime she couldn't help but notice a strange scent in the air, probably the same scent the guards mentioned before. Luna might have been trapped on the moon for a thousand years, but this smell wasn't something a mare can easily forget or ignore- "Art thou a dominant stallion?" She curiously asked. Richard couldn't help but chuckle "I'm a what?" Approaching him again, she removed the now blood stained cloth, and placed a clean one over his injury. "A stallion, a male virile specimen of thine kind." Richard just cocked his head at that and shrugged. She sighed. "Do you constantly fuck mares??" "Why would I fuck hooorses?" He snorted. "Because you smell just like stallion urine, that's why!" She took a seat on the couch by his side "And I'm not a horse, I'm a pony, an Alicorn to be exacter" "Oh c'mon, you just want to know if I would fuck you, isn't it?" Taken aback by his answer Luna just gasped " I... I never a-asked. Why would I-" her mumbling was suddenly interrupted when Richard broke into laughter. "...shit, you are the funniest hors- alleycorn I ever met!" I'm pretty sure Luna slapped my face after that, but for a unknown reason the memory started to dissolve again, the colors and sounds distorting around me until it completely vanished. I opened my eyes only to notice that I was exactly at the same spot of the couch, when Luna released the spell earlier. Talking about Luna- The princess was by my side, her eyes were still closed but her horn no longer sparkled with magic. "Luna?" I poked her nose. "W-what?" She jumped in place. "Richard? But..." She touched her horn with a hoof. "What happened?" I asked. "We don't know, it seems like something inside thine mind interfered with our magic." That's strange, I never thought my head was able to interfere with something aside from my own thoughts. I stood up from the couch, and almost instantly a sharp pain ran through my head, as if something was piercing my temples. "H-holy god-" I fell to my knees. "Rick!" Luna hurriedly ran to me. "What's happening??" I tried to focus my vision on her, but the images seemed blurred and duplicated. "I-I don't know, I-" My head throbbed again. I groaned in pain. "Richard- talk- look at us- " Her voiced was becoming no more than a whisper "Richard! breathe please!" I must have screamed, or Luna screamed, I don't know. Everything turned into black and I lost consciousness again Then Las Vegas came... The lights of Chandelier Bar and Casino overshadowed the fact that I was so fucking screwed. Inside of Vlad's trench coat I could catch a glimpse of a large golden gun, that I really don't want to know the gauge- "Mister Richard, let's be reasonable, we don't want this beautiful casino and its equally- charming american people... Destroyed. Do we want?" Naturally this would be one of the scarier moments of my life, but fortunately I had enough drinks in my stomach to make my brain forget what 'scarier' means. "Of course not my dear Vovka-" "It's Vladimir." He hissed. "Yeah, of course it is... Now, how can Mr. Richard help you and your- friends?" They 'politely' pushed me to a vacant table, I took a seat and did my best to stay awake. If they decide to kill me, at least I can see who shot first. Dmitri was tall and burly, he could easily break my neck as If I was a chicken. He sat across the table and placed a small bottle of vodka in front of him. "Veree vell Ricky..." Unlike his friends Dmitri had a terrible accent, you could barely understand him without the proper attention. Or without breaking into laughter (Of course this would certainly make me a dead man) "Veez eez one of vee bottles of vudka you send to uhs." He pointed to the bottle. 'Pripyat' said the label. "I see..." I scratched my neck "It's a really interesting bottle" I weakly smiled. Please, don't open the bottle, anything, but the bottle! I thought And he opened the bottle. "Yehs, It eez indeed a really interesteng bottle. But you knoov vats more eez interesteeng?" Dmitri calmly filled a glass with ice and vodka. "Ahh, I-I don't think I know." In a sharp move, Dmitri threw the vodka right on my eyes, one of the ice cubes accidentally slipping inside my jacket. "Fuck! Are you crazy?" I jumped from my seat shaking my arms until the ice finally came out. I whipped the thing from my eyes but indeed I haven't felt any pain, that because the 'vodka' inside the bottle was only- Dmitri pushed me against the wall and held me by the neck. "Vater Richard!" He growled and shook me. "Dimitri-" "You filled the bottles veet fuckeeng vater!?" "Dmitri stop!" Vovka or whatever his name said. The guy finally released my throat and turned his head furiously to look at his friend. "Vat do you vant Vladim-" He stopped in mid sentence. The whole place was silent just staring at us, the casino's security guards whispered something among them. Probably joking about my level of screwiness now. "Oh well..." I rubbed my neck "It was a pleasure to talk with you guys, but you know... Drinks and Russians can really exhaust someone. I think I'm gonna have some sleep- good bye!" Where there is life, there is hope. "We're not done yet." He grabbed my arm "You already gave us enough problems my friend" Vlad discretely pointed his pistol to me. You are probably wondering how could the security guards let them do this to me. Well my friends, one of the richest and powerful mobsters of the world is responsible for this. Let's just say that the security have better things to do rather than protect me from Dmitri Mikhailov and all his heavily armed fellows. "You come with us..." "Son of a bitch-" I squirmed in pain on the ground, Vlad observed my futile attempts to stand up with disdain. With one of my hands pressing my presumably broken rib cage, and the other one trying to find support in a nearby concrete pillar. "You k-know-" I coughed "I should have filled those stupid bottles with vaseline, so y'all could stick'em inside your fucking Russian butts!" I spit some blood resultant from the earlier punches and wiped my lips with the jacket sleeve. They just laughed. I looked back to myself and to this pathetic situation; here I was, cornered by the mafia in a stupid casino garage. They with ak 47's and I with a whiskey bottle. "Think positively Richard..." Said Vlad "Your dad would be so proud! Just look at you; a worthless little piece of shit. Just like him." I gritted my teeth, my body ached from all the pain they've inflicted to me, physically and psychologically. They will kill me, and this is certain to happen very soon. I'm not a religious guy, but when I saw Vlad raising his gun I thought it was probably a good time to reconsider my philosophy. I looked to my side and what my eyes spotted was probably one of the most beautiful sights of my life. Guess what; it wasn't woman, but my car. It was parked on the ground floor, right under my feet. I smiled, if there is any god out there, I think he's rooting for me. The precious words of Don Corleone came to my mind; "You can act like a man!" "Vat are ya laughing at?" Dmitri asked. "It's none of your business-" The pain seemed to fade away as adrenalin filled my veins. I stood up, my shaking hand grasped the Jack Daniels bottle by its neck. "Think positively Vlad... Your dad should have taught you how to appreciate a nice, american, whiskey." I said "But there's no need to worry, since that old faggot didn't, I shall teach you by myself." Before he could react, I threw the bottle right at his face. My legs moved automatically and I ran as fast as I could, almost instantly bullets started to hit everywhere around me. I couldn't go back anymore, If I had to die, I would die jumping from this window- "FUCK!" I body landed with a loud thump right on top of my car. My heart pounded inside my chest, there was no pain anymore. I desperately searched for the keys inside my pockets, I could heard the thugs approaching. Come on.... Come on! I finally opened the door, my hands were shaking, the key turned and I started the car. 'Yes!' "Catch him!" A hail of gunfire pierced through the roof, I stepped on the gas and the Maserati almost soared from the parking lot, trying to escape from the garage and at the same time from the bullets, I ran over the gate. The poor gatekeeper would soon find out why. The gate lead directly to the Vegas Boulevard, I focused my vision on the road in front of me, doing a zig-zag motion back and forth through the lanes. I took a glance at the rear-view mirror; two black SUV's were cutting across the sidewalk to reach me. "Oh no no no!" I ran through a red light and doing my best to dodge all the cars, went into a side street. I had to get in the freeway, it was my only chance to escape. "I'm sorry!" Of course I couldn't avoid all the vehicles, so I eventually rip away some car mirrors. I was starting to think that I had managed to mislead them, a sudden bump on the car back proved me wrong. My head slammed against the steering wheel, my vision was blurring again. The world around me was a cacophony of sounds, the guys screamed unintelligible things in Russian, bullets crossed the air in all directions. I peered through the window, this was the wrong avenue, there was no freeway. There was no escape. It was dim out there, but I could read a single sign; 'University of Las Vegas' "What the fuck-" A single shot was the last thing I heard, it must have hit one of the tires because the car instantly lost control and skidded away from the road. The world seemed to slow down as the Maserati overturned, glass shards, dirt, metal, grass... I tried to protect my eyes from the debris. With a final turn, the vehicle crashed at high speed into one of the university buildings. It was smelling of fuel, it was painful, it was on fire and I probably would be dead soon. But no... Apparently, god don't like the concept of dead. No... Not today. My night was just beginning.
BlackoutA Night to Remember "What the hell?" I grumbled. Peculiar don’t you think? But believe me; that's an acceptable expression of surprise for those who wake up in Las Vegas. I don’t usually like to drink or to get drunk (which is nothing but a consequence of the first), but unfortunately this has been occurring very frequently with me. It all starts with something nice; a nice whiskey, a nice car, with nice girls inside of it, and obviously a nice amount of money in my pocket. Now you just mix all those things together and voilà! Drunk. Now you're probably thinking I'm a wrecked gambling man or some other shit like that; another jerk burning his money with poker, drinks and high-end sluts. But let me tell you something: You are completely right. Well... you'd probably be right if you had the pleasure of stumbling against me a couple of days ago. The thing is— when a man loses almost his entire fortune to the Russian mafia (and survives) —he tends to become way more cautious with his stuff. Still, the mobsters weren't the worst part of my day. It was my wife. Ex-wife, I suppose. When that dirty little bit- Never mind... When that heartless woman saw I was falling apart, instead of helping me to get through that mess — crossing the forest together, ya know? Maybe a friendly shoulder to cry. Of course she wouldn't. 'To hell with your shit, Richard!'. The freak tried to steal the last cookies of my jar, and flee to Hawaii with her secret lover. Ain't it fun? Aside from the fact I was being hounded by the Russians, there was that delicious icing covering my cake. Yes, it’s true; I should appeal to a court, hire a lawyer. But you know what? I hate courts and I hate lawyers as well. And I presume that they are not quite fond of me as well, considering my questionable business partners. Anyway, here comes my brilliant decision: 'If I am so screwed to the point of not being capable to hire some shitty lawyers to cover my ass...' '...fuck the system!' Yeah, I said that to myself, in a way. In my mind I was being such a smarty pants; so I got every single dollar from my safe, the car keys, an old leather jacket, and to put an end on this damned old life of mine with a flourish, I even left an elegant note pinned on the front door, purposely visible to anyone who would eventually come looking for me. “I'm going to Vegas babe, maybe we’ll meet again in the future. The safe is empty, but I think I left some fresh milk inside the freezer if you’re interested. The best regards — Rick” With that, I left all my common sense behind and went to Sodom and Gomorrah 2.0; Las Vegas – Nevada The lights, the people, the casinos, everything there was built with the same purpose: Make you waste your money in a fancy, painless way. I didn't knew exactly what the hell I'd do with my life once I ran out of money (which was indeed, a matter of time), but I knew one thing: These days would go down into history! I said before I was going bankrupt, but ‘going bankrupt’ doesn't necessarily implies I was poor. Oh no… I had enough money to live for a month in the boulevard, before having serious problems with my bills. What? You really thought I was going to pay for my stay? It was a stupid decision, but it was also some sort of progressive self-destruction. In a way, there was a creepy feeling growing and crawling inside of me, and it whispered that it would be an one way trip. As the days passed me by, my money was slowly going down the drain, together with my sanity. Really, today I would like to know how much alcohol I had in my blood that night. I think I'd burst into flames if I burped near a fireplace. I woke up early in the afternoon; it was just six o'clock after all… I was losing count of days and nights, and 'suddenly' my pockets were almost empty. That would certainly be my last night in Vegas - you could feel it - the hotel security could feel it - after all, how much do you think a month in Luxor's presidential suite would cost? A thought struck me; I should head to my car as fast as possible and get the hell out of that place, lying low, and praying for protection. Not that I believe that god was really proud of me anyway. Shit happened that night, that was the only certainty. I would truly appreciate telling you the truth, but here's the thing: I can't remember. The last thing I recall is seeing my blurry reflection on the glassy facade staring at me like a ghost, from this moment onward I could sum everything up to random flashes and colors. Chunks of memory, stretched and broken. I saw bright lights; probably from another pathetic casino, the taste of cheap vodka in my mouth, a heavy punch on my face. Fortunately, I was too drunk to feel the pain. My car crashed into a building. Glass shards, strange sounds, strange smells - and what the hell - Who pissed on my shirt? As I said previously, my brain 'corrupted' its own files, and for some miracle (or luck), I managed to find a way back to my room, or at least I thought it was my room. "What for fuck's sake is happening here?" I grumbled. Sometimes there's nothing better than hearing your own words echoing through the hallways. As I slowly came back to my senses, I felt my entire body throbbing, the pain gradually increasing as I squirmed in place. Shit, that would be the worst hangover ever. Every time I tried to move I bumped against this strange lump by my side. I felt a flat surface under my back - that would make sense, considering that I probably couldn't make my way to the bed. I opened my eyes but the sunlight almost burned them to the core. I spent some time wondering about my life, about the universe, and about my whereabouts. Eyes closed, hoping the migraine would agree to go away, but it was all in vain. Shit, couldn't Nietzsche have ever written anything useful about this? A couple of minutes later I concluded that awful headache wouldn't go away, and I was the 'thing' in need to go away. I had no option other than opening my eyelids again and facing reality. So I did it. Fighting against the urge to yank out my ocular nerves, I could finally see. And the sight was anything but the usual; just the old and plain wooden roof. I blinked again, and blinked one time more just to make sure - but nothing happened. The fucking wooden roof was still there. Fine, that thing was creeping me out. My room had no medieval-themed roof, and what the- What was the thing nudging my arm? I had enough surprises for a day. I tried to stand up but my feet found nothing but air. I tripped and fell. As my head met the floor I let a very audible ‘Oh fuck’ come out. I sat down and realized that I was sleeping over some kind of table. And I wasn't the only one. “Oh, you are finally awake” I jumped when I listened that voice - and let me give you an advice: stand up quickly is a really, really bad idea. My vision went from blurred to complete darkness. The entire world seemed to spin around my head, and my stomach tried to speak with my throat. Yes, I would have such a disgusting morning surprise if it wasn't for my muscular control. When I finally fixed myself, I looked around the room, expecting to find a nasty slut sleeping over the couch or some decadent scene like that, but no. I finally noticed the 'thing' over the table. My first reaction; absolute shock. The second reaction; blasphemy. “Holy mother of God, what the hell are you?” Oh I screamed - and how I fucking screamed that morning. For there was no human over that table, but a horned quadruped. A talking horse-like being- a blue, horse-like being. And it just laughed from my face as I consequently panicked. There was a single explanation: Someone dissolved LSD on my whiskey. “Come on Ricky, don’t you remember last night? All those things you've shown me, huh?” Drugs surely. I reassured myself. “No! I do not remember- and I don't know you- whatever you are... You are just a freaking hallucination, that's all. I'm gonna be fine, it all is gonna be fine!” I shook my head violently. As I turned around ready to leave that place, I stumbled and fell over something - a quite fluffy and warm something. Oh boy, that wasn't a 'something'. “Ouch!” “Watch your steps, you hairless monkey!” A freaking white unicorn, wearing golden armor said. “I heard screams coming from your chambers, has this creature hurt you in any way, my princess?” Great, I had messed up with the royalty of acid-bath world. “Oh, not at all Captain Shining. He didn't. In fact, he gave me a very amusing night.” Princess… Captain… Colored unicorns wearing armors and talking about amusing nights... That's it; I had developed acute schizophrenia. ‘Okay, okay. Stay calm, count to ten, have a sit, and think.’ Let’s review my situation; I’m on this strange place, with strange creatures. I comprehend very little about the environment, and even less about myself. I stared at my bare body and back to the flying unicorn lying over a table, and then to the disgusted white unicorn at the doorway. Comprehension was nonexistent. ‘Quickly! You must have a plan - thinkthinkthink - there's a window right by my side, there’s a pony princess approaching, and I'm trembling.’ In lack of plans, my brain just activated the auto-pilot. “Stop right there, for God's sake! Don't you dare touching me, alien freak, I know you want to suck my brain, or something worse!” I backed away. I clung into the blinds but the whole thing detached from the wall and landed on my head; I was naked, drugged, with a heavy curtain enveloping my body, randomly running around a room. Yes, that's the worst 'We come in peace' scenario one could ever imagine. “Stop human, you’ll destroy something!” The captain levitated me with his witchcraft thing, making me float upside down. And this ladies and gentlemen, was one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life, it was even worse than the day I threw up over my girlfriend's shirt. “What for Equestria's sake happened to you Rick, are you insane or something? Don’t you remember me?” With a flutter of wings, the unicorn walked towards me, an expression of sincere worry stamped on her face. And there was the point when I realized how deep was my tar pit; if I wasn't on drugs, dreaming, or having a stroke, how the hell I ended up in that freaking place? “I… I-” I sighed. “Can you please put me back down on the ground, you stick-head?” The captain rolled his eyes, releasing me over the couch. As soon as I wrapped me up on the curtains again, I asked the question that comprised all my other questions at once: “Who are you- both of you. Where am I, how I got here, and why am I naked?” Like a magic crow at the window, the princess stared at me cautiously, and calculatingly. “Can't you recall... anything?” She inquired, raising an eyebrow at me. "Nothing?" “Ah… What am I supposed to remember?” I shivered. “Oh well." She sighed "That's a shame, Rick. A huge shame. But I shall answer thee.” I locked myself in place as she ran her hooves over my chest, nuzzling my cheek, kissing my lips thereafter. “Care to explain?” I backed away slowly, not really used to kiss aliens by the morning. “Sure my dear.” She walked away to a corner of the room, which soon I presumed to be her personal chambers, judging by the nightly decoration, which completely matched her own style. She stood in a wide balcony with a somehow imposing pose, staring at the horizon. “I am Luna, Princess of the night, co-ruler of the entire Kingdom of Equestria, and of all Ponykind!” Her voice reverberated deep inside my ears, electrifying every inch of nerve inside my body. “You are in Canterlot, capital city of this empire - more precisely, you are in my tower of Canterlot Castle. You married me last night, after mutual agreement.” "Which in this case, makes you officially speaking..." She lowered her tone, looking at me with those hypnotic blue eyes, her flowing mane reflecting the own universe. “My prince” I blacked out. But I can tell you; before my mind fell into the void, one last thought flashed inside my mind - a quote, from the depths of my childhood memories database. 'Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.'
Awake (?)A night to remember Oh the dream world… So majestic, so vivid, so fake! Unfortunately, I wasn't aware it was a dream, most of the people aren't (dream logic sucks) “Oh, hey there little bunny, ya want a carrot?” What a cute and angelical bunny jumping in front of me; fancy grasslands as far as the eyes can see and- Look, another bunny! God, how pathetic. Minutes later, there was me, surrounded by thousands of bunnies and all of them wearing tiny doctor outfits. Wait a second... Cute little rabbits? In doctor outfits? Something must be wron- Oh look! A bunny with a bow tie! Ha ha! Never mind, everything is okay. The rabbits were climbing over my legs, and- hovering over my head like cherubs. Then the freaking animals turned blue, devilish fangs protruded from their mouths. Those were definitely not cherubs... Then came the urge to run; in despair I stumbled over a very big rabbit - unlike the others, that thing was darker than the night. Worse than fangs, he carried a needle. “Okay big boy… Let's remain civilized here, no need to raise your weapons, I can leave your fucking Bunnyland if you want.” I tried to walk backwards, but the now anthropomorphic rabbit-executioner held my legs. “Wait- Stop! Don't you dare to stuck this frigging demonic thing in my veins- I swear, I'll never eat a rabbit again! Never!” I don’t think it was a good choice of words. Rabbit master stuck that needle deep into my arm. God knows how I screamed, strange lights danced around my eyes, everything morphed into other things, rabbits and cherubs, demons and grasslands faded away, and soon there was nothing but a terrible pain raging through my arm. The dream dissolved around myself, and finally vanished. You must think I’m stupid or something, but you must also know that some dreams can definitely make you scream like a little girl, even when you’re finally awake. I opened my eyes. This time, without any pain. The first thing I noticed was my terrible vision, of course. I rubbed my eyelids for a moment until I could clearly see the room around me. It was some kind of hospital ward and even though everything was immaculately clean and seemingly operational, the entire apparatus and decoration looked charmingly vintage. There was a big needle coming out of my right arm, so it certainly wasn't just part of that dream. 'I crashed my car somewhere and the authorities brought me here to save my ass- perfect, now I’m stuck inside a stupid hospital.' Oh the reality... How it hurts. Then I saw them. They were right there all the time, right in front of my bed; four figures wearing white biohazard suits. Four unicorns. Unicorns again for heaven's sake! “Oh crap.” I muttered to myself. “Please, tell me you're not going to dissect me...” “He’s awake! Call the doctor!” One of them exclaimed. The four ponies left the room in a hurry; except one of them, who came back with another metallic syringe. “Oh no no no no! I refuse do be your guinea pig again, Mr. Hellish!" Fuck the good manners, I jumped from the bed and threw the covers right on his face. And hey- look right there! It is my dignity walking away! I was naked again. “Stop!" He exclaimed "Stop, you lunatic beast, I’m just going to give you a painkiller!” The unicorn threw the sheets back on my bed, raising his brow and looking me up and down, like a crazy anatomist. I frowned at him, grabbing the covers and improvising some kind of robe. “You are lying! I’m sure you will put me to sleep again and crack my skull open to see how my brain works or some other stupid scientific shit. I saw those instruments right there!” I pointed to a silver tray on the nightstand. The unicorn chuckled. “Those ‘instruments’ right there are supposed to be your silverware to eat lunch. Don't your race use them? That's just a fork.” Well, he had a point. But I simply couldn't agree with that guy and give him all the reason - of course I had to prove my point, no matter how wrong my point was; it's the frigging logic of humankind. To my disappointment, when I was about to argue with the unicorn, a light blue pony that curiously wasn't a unicorn walked into the room. “Ah... Cotton Hooves, can you please leave me alone with the specimen? You can also remove the safety mask; he’s clean.’’ “My name is Richard, dammit!” “Oh, so you finally remember your name! Good thing, this will help us a lot, but can you go back to your bed please? I don’t really want you fainting again.” The light blue mare pushed me back to the gurney. “Here's the thing, pony; show me the way back to my world and we'll forget this entire incident. I can tell myself that this was just a bad trip, and you and your ‘ponykind’ can find another pretty story to fill the voids - Do we have a deal?” Such a fantastic proposal. “I’m sorry Richard... But I suppose this is not as simple as you place it." She shook her head. "This is a matter you should deal with the princesses - I’m just a doctor." She pointed to her name tag "And my name is not 'pony', I'm Silver Scalpel” “And what the hell am I supposed to do now?” I asked, impatiently wriggling in place. “Well, right now, you’re supposed to take this painkiller, and answer some questions.” Interesting, if someone had told me days ago that a talking pony would prescribe me some painkillers, I would laugh like a hyena and call it a day. But anyway, reality is relative isn't it? “Why do I need a painkiller anyway?” I asked. “The princess said that you managed to hit the wall and consequently the floor with your head, as you blacked out. Which unfortunately gave you a light concussion.” “Ouch!” “Hey! You didn't said you'd inject this shit now!” I moaned, slightly annoyed at the doctor's mischievous face. Those pesky ponies with pointy objects. “Would you let me to do it, if I said so?” She asked coldly. Dammit, she had a point. “Probably not.” I sighed in defeat. “But I'm warning you lil' doc, if this was some kind of wicked sleep drug and I happen to wake up without my organs…” I checked my pulse and under my skin blood was still being pumped, that was a good signal. The doctor just rolled her eyes. “And here's my first question, Richard; why would we remove your organs, or even dissect you?” She frowned, moving a strand of hair away from her face. Oh silly pony. Acting as if I knew nothing about about the crazy experiments those scientists performed down into dark and moldy basements. “Well, on my world they usually dissect anything, eh… 'unknown'." I rubbed my neck, kinda awkwardly. "I mean, human logic is something like: Hey, an alien just landed in our world, let's open its body and get some samples." The doctor stared at me quite shocked. "Heck, I'm pretty sure they would love to open your unicorn friends to see how their cute little horns work.” And here's the point I noticed the terrified face of the pony right in front of me. Oh hell, that's why I never had many friends in my childhood years. “W-why would your people do this? This is simply heinous!” Congratulations Richard, you just ruined the reputation of your entire race! “Oh, but not all of the humans do this kind of crap. Only a couple of slightly obsessed researchers. Believe me, I can't understand how people can be so cold at times." I said, lying against the pillows. “It doesn't matter, it's still awful.” She shook her head in denial. "Welcome to the human race, doc." I said. She sighed, lifting some papers from the clipboard. "Let’s go back to business; you just need to answer a few questions and then you can have your lunch.” I silently hoped they had some steak. “Go ahead pony, I’m starving” She facepalmed, or was it a facehoof? I can't say for sure. “Please, just call me Doctor Silver…” “Sorry Doc, but ponies have silly names." I chuckled, wondering if they were bullied in preschool or something. "Ah, no offense." "None taken." She rolled her eyes. “Okay, take this as a test to see if your brain has suffered any major injuries” She paced around the bed, focused on her clipboard. “Your full name please” Silver said. “Oh… Sure: Richard Armin Lorenzo” “Age?” “32” I muttered. “Sex?” “Isn't that obvious? I mean-“ “Please Richard, straight answers.” “I'm a male!” “How do your kind denominate themselves?” “Humans-" I paused. "Technically speaking, we are Homo Sapiens, but's it's not like I give a damn." Ignoring my comment, she proceeded. “How many sentient species live in your world?” She asked, a curious tone in her voice. "By sentient I mean-" "I know what sentient means!" I snorted "And I suppose we have... one? I mean the dolphins are quite- Oh right, sorry. Short answers.” Doc stared at me quite doubtfully. “Only one sentient species? I mean- This is odd. It would explain your ridiculous behavior, surely, but we have dozens here.” “Well, as I was saying; Dolphins, Monkeys and Elephants can be quite smart, but it's not like you can chat or have a dinner with them. They don’t have cities or complex languages.” And here I am playing the biologist. “That’s peculiar." She wrote something on her paper, and got back to the questions. I just nodded, although noticing a very intriguing detail; how could those ponies speak fluent English? I decided to swallow my questions, and ignore most of the anomalies. “What's your diet composed of?” "Whiskey, chips, and mint drops." I chuckled. Doctor Silver just cocked her head like a confused little dog. "Nah, I'm just playin' with you. This diet thing really depends on each human personal preferences, but I guess most of people are omnivorous.” "So do you eat… Meat?" Oh man, problems ahead. "Ah… yes?" I smiled sheepishly. "No need to run away tho, we don't walk around the streets killing animals and eating their raw flesh." "If you don’t kill the animal; who kills?" She asked, kinda unsettled. "Well, I don’t know, I just buy the meat in the market, but I presume they kill them in a slaughterhouse." Wrong choice of words again. "S-slaughterhouse? Your people have a place solely designed to… kill?" Doc seemed to shiver at the thought. "Oh god, come on! It’s better than killing the creature by yourself!" I said. "How can your race be so insensitive about death?" No steak today I suppose. "Hey, I said that before, my race is not-" "Yes Human, your race is harsh and repulsive, and this is why you should be sent straight to the dungeons." We both turned our heads in surprise, only to see Mr. Stupid Captain glaring at me from the doorway. “I know about your kind, I know about your violent behavior, and I know what they did to my sister before. Don’t you try to fool me because I know everything that happens in that rotten planet of yours!” Oh, he was really asking for a good punch. "Shut the fuck up you little fucker! Or I'll make your fucking little unicorn face rotten!" I gave him the finger, but I don't think he got the meaning, anyway. "How do you dare?" He snorted. "I’m not another unicorn; I’m Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire, and Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot - You ought to respect me, unless you are willing to suffer the wrath of my horn!" He slammed the floor with those ridiculously fluffy hooves of him. "The 'wrath' of your horn? Pffffffft." I laughed. "Let me tell you something Captain, I will break this stupid horn of yours with my bare hands, and stick it right in your-" “Stop this!" Luna stepped inside the room with a look of disapproval directed at all of us, as If I was guilty of that shit. “No one is going to the dungeons, and no one…” She glared me. “...Is going to insert horns into anypony!” That we’ll see. “But princess, this creature is a threat to your safety, he has no manners, he could have-” “Please Shining Armor, I already said he's not going anywhere. Besides, he is a Prince just like you. You should be friends.” She suggested, grinning mischievously at him. “Yes, you heard her buddy - I’m a fucking prince now. You shouldn't go around talking to me this way, I married Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna of the night - and also of the castle of Canterlot, and of all Ponyland.” “Shut up Richard!" She hit me with a wing. I don’t usually kiss aliens, but let me tell ya' another thing; it's better to kiss a pony, than kiss a prison wall for the rest of your life! Finally, Princess Luna managed to send the Shining Ass away, as so Doctor Silver. Now it was just me, her, and my headache. By the windows I couldn't see much; there were bushes outside blocking most of the view, but I could still discern the night sky and the moon. Even after spending the entire day over that bed, I felt tired; tired of everything. My body was sore and everything ached, I had traveled from Vegas to Ponyland, married a princess, had a concussion, and I couldn't remember a quarter of everything. It was frustrating to say at least. I could easily say that the last 24 hours had been with no doubts, the most disturbing ones of my entire life. “…Come on Luna, I just want to know how I reached this place. Is that asking too much?” She just giggled. “Richard, I'll repeat again: I can’t possibly tell you how you came into this world, because I don't have the slightest idea. The only thing I can tell you, is what happened after your arrival.” “Then say it dammit! How did we got married?” I urged for answers. “You shall know it all soon. Don’t worry, I will show it personally - That's a promise." She said. "But for now just rest, please! You had a troubled day I presume, and I’m still having a very troubled night. My 'day' is just beginning.” She leaned over the bed to nuzzle me, her velvety muzzle caressed my cheek. Luna's warm breath made me shiver. I had kissed many women before, but none of them had wings, horns, fur, or anything that resembled a pony. It was odd, being so close to a creature that I barely knew, a creature from literally another world. Odder still was the lacking urge to run or avoid her touch; somehow it felt acceptable. If my family could see me... I thought. I would surely hear some harsh words about bestiality, or my soul going down to hell. Or both. To the hell with this! If hell exists, I already have a premium ticket. Luna locked her lips with mine, I felt her hooves around my neck but I didn't backed away, almost unconsciously I pulled her closer. It was strange to kiss something with a muzzle, but we managed to find a somehow comfortable position; that until I felt her tongue touching mine. I was not prepared for french-kissing a pony. I don't think any human is. But sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Or go to the dungeons. It's harsh, I know. I lowered my hands and touched something hard on her back, it was the muscular base of her wings, they were fully opened. I grabbed them delicately and pulled her chest closer to mine. She gasped and parted the kiss, a small string of saliva still connecting our mouths. “W-well…” I muttered. I hadn't much to say after that. “I h-have to go now. The night court will begin soon, and I can’t let my subjects awaiting.” She gave me a sheepish smile. Luna jumped from the bed and gave me a quick peck on my forehead. “Rest for now, the answers will come. Good night Rick.” “Ah, good night" I replied, confused. "Have a nice night court, whatever that is!” I added. She chuckled, leaving the room. You could think that being alone was a good thing; but it wasn't. When you’re alone you start thinking; and the sort of thoughts my mind formulated scared me. Life was strange; two days ago I was preparing myself to flee from Las Vegas, hiding from my wife, from the mafia, hiding from myself. I had no money or a family who cared about me. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't enjoying the whole situation; in fact I don’t think anyone would like to be insulated from his entire world and kind; believe me, you can think that this escape would be the paradise; but it's not. Here I was completely apart; there were no humans, no friends, and also no New York, Las Vegas, or Rio de Janeiro. There was nothing from my world I could relate, except me. I was in Equestria for no more than two days and I hadn't enough time to take my own conclusions yet, still, even after all those incidents, I was intact - I had a home of sorts... And I had a… Princess? I was in peace. If I could go back to Earth, to my race, to my personal world and problems, Would I really want to?
Reality (!)A Night to Remember Today, I woke up with a strange feeling. Have you ever left home for work only to remember midway downtown that you forgot the stove on? If this never happened to you, then you don’t know what despair is. I’ll say a better example; you leave and forget to bring your cellphone with you. Yes, I know, it’s like forgetting one of your kidneys. Anyway, the thing is: Everyone knows how terrible it is to lost or forget something important, it doesn't really matter which of the previous examples defines you more. However, in my special case the whole thing was different - I can't just say I forgot to bring my cellphone - no, think as if it was the opposite situation; the whole world left me behind. There are no known songs to listen, or movies to watch, or drinks to drink, or people to fool. I can’t just stand up and say: ‘Hey princess, what about opening a portal straight to my home?’ Because they don’t fucking know where my universe is! Many of you must think that being stuck here is all fun and cuddles, but it's not. Shit, I’ll never get a chance to watch The Godfather again. Never! Do you remember my concussion? Yes, that stupid thing that happened inside my head. I don’t know if it was an excuse from Doctor Silver to make me stay there a little longer, she loves me, or if it was true; but apparently that thing was worse than I thought. During four days - Four freaking days, I had to stay there at the hospital ward, being nearly raped by needles and pointy measurement instruments, and worse... Being forced to eat vegetables. Hell, they made me eat brussels sprouts. Brussels mother fucking sprouts. ‘Because it's so good for full recovery and yada yada yada.’ When I was young and bumped my head somewhere around the house (it happened very often) my dad just grumbled something and I had to prepare an ice bag. But anyway, if you're thinking that these days in the hospital were just needles and stupid sprouts, then you’re wrong. Luna made sure I wouldn't waste a second of my time. She practically dictated half of the Equestrian history, going from the very primitive beginnings of the pony race, to the birth of the first alicorns. And according to her, there were still 'a few' eras to cover. But summarizing everything I learned: Almost every mystical creature you can imagine exists here. It's like bringing a fairy tale into life, and adding drugs. As it seems, Luna and Celestia are thousands of years old. I was quite a bit hesitant to question the fact, because my situation was already weird enough, with or without immortals. The flying unicorns - yes, I was indoctrinated to call them Alicorns - have some kind of control and influence over standard ponies. They behave like royalty, and are treated as such. Fucking apartheid if you ask me. I prefer not to talk about ‘Manehattan’ and ‘Las Pegasus’. These coincidences are far beyond my comprehension. And of course, how could I possibly forget this: Luna and her sister Celestia are the ones who control the heavenly bodies! Logic? Who cares about it anyway. For that I’ll just keep my promise of not trying to understand this place. Diferences apart, today I can finally get out of this hospital. Unfortunately, during my stay here - and because of Luna's twisted sense of day and night - my sleep cycle became completely insane. I'd wake up at 5 pm, and go to sleep around 8 am. And for these and other reasons, I still hadn't the pleasure of meeting the so called Princess Celestia. But I guess there were other problems involved on that. Maybe something along those lines: ‘My insane sister married a drunken multidimensional creature without my consent. I’m fucking mad with her.’ I'll give you a hint; if at some point in your life this happen to you, please remember to say at least a ‘hello’ to the multidimensional creature. We have feelings! I woke up to the sound of Luna's hoofsteps, as she walked into my room bringing a floating pile of clothes with her. Magic… It would take some time for me to get used to this. Of all the things in Equestria, the presence of magic in nearly everything was almost the equivalent of electricity on Earth. “Hey, finally some real vests! You know, bed sheets went out of style a week ago.” I said, chuckling. “Of course." She rolled her eyes. "These were made to measure for you” She tossed me the clothes. “I don’t remember anyon- anypony measuring me…” I raised an eyebrow. Those stealth ponies were everywhere! NSA would fucking love them. “Why am I not surprised?" She scoffed. "Come on Rick, just try them, I am eager to see how it looks!” She clapped her hooves together. Anyway, to the clothes; the small stack she gave me was actually a two pieces outfit, I don't really know the name of this sort of vest, but I believed it was some kind of robe. I don’t really know, but it reminded me of one of those fancy medieval clothes. Very soft to the touch, grayish like a fox coat. The second one was a dark crimson cloak, adorned with dozens of gemstones. “I-is this a D-diamond?” No way in hell, look at the size of this thing. “All these gems are diamonds. Why? You hate them too or something? We can remove-” It was by that moment my friends, was when I started to like Equestria. First day out of the hospital ward, and they give me a free diamond cloak. “No!” I pushed her hooves away. “I mean… No, I have no problems with diamonds. They’re very pretty, thank you.” I said, clutching the cloak firmly. No way in hell I would let she take my precious away from me. “And what are you waiting for? Try thy vests!” Luna nudged me. “But there are no... Underwear." I noted. “And why would you need that?” She inquired. “Ah… ” I sighed. “Never mind.” Who cared about underwear, I was wearing a bed sheet for god's sake. I was in no position to neglect a diamond cloak, and robe. "Could you at least, ah, turn around?” “And why would I do this?” She giggled. “Because I’m gonna be naked?” “And what's the matter? You've exposed your body plenty of times before!” Luna knew how to play with you. She wasn't half as naive as she pretended to be. “Yeah, and without my consent.” “I am naked right now, do this somehow bothers you?” She asked, wrapping the cloak around her back in a mockingly way. "C'mon Luna, your kind doesn't even wear any significant clothing, besides, you have this 'magical fur' to cover you up.” “Oh Richard, you’re such a difficult person.” Luna rolled her eyes and turned around. “But be quick, we don’t have the entire night!” “…fuck! Where… arrrggg… dammit, where do I put my head if this fucking hole won’t fit-” I contorted myself, a foot in the air as I tried to fit in my new outfit. “Shit Luna, can you please move your moon flank and help me?” I wondered how women on earth were able to wear those complicated dresses, without accidentally suffocating themselves to death. “Haven’t you said that we had to turn around while you swapped?” She mocked from my face. “Yeah, but this is an EMERGENCY!” There I was on the floor again, with half a robe wrapped around me. “Hahahahaha, oh Rick, how for my sister's sake did you managed to put your head through the sleeve?” She raised me with her magical grip and released me from my robe's mortal grasp. And there I was, being dressed by an Alicorn. It made me wonder what my ex would think about that. Oh Natasha, If you ever dreamed about half of these diamonds in my clothes right now. “…And done! That's how a robe is supposed to look like!” She beamed with pleasure. Luna adjusted my cloak alongside with a pair of boots they somehow tailored for me; I had to admit that the fabric - whatever it was - was fantastic. Slightly thick, but not heavy or uncomfortable, silken but not slippery. Crazy ponies and their magical stuff. “It fits even better than my bed sheets! Do you have a mirror here?” I asked. “I don't think so, but I can provided that.” After a flash of light, a large mirror appeared right in front of me. I stared at the reflection in the looking glass and couldn't clearly recognize myself, it wasn't me. It couldn't be. When light passed through the translucent stones the whole thing shone like starts in the firmament. There was no more Richard. There was an upgraded version of an once derelict human being. I may have overreacted, but the fact is that I never saw myself in such pristine conditions before, those were clothes tailored for a king, not for a stupid drug dealer. I did not deserved that. “L-luna… I… This is… Why?” “Why? Why what my dear?” “I mean, you have power, you are the princess of a nation, more than that: you’re the one who brings the moon and the entire night for this world. You can have anyone. But why, in all Equestria, did you chose me?” The mirror vanished away, and I couldn't help but look at her with fascinated eyes. “Richard…” She paced around. “Nothing in Equestria could have fulfilled my wished. I felt by the time we met - that we have a bond - and a very strong one. I don’t care about how many stallions I could have, nor I care about their titles or bloodlines. I love you the way you are!" God it was so cliche. “How can you say that? We met not a week ago, when I was drunk and out of my mind. I'm a terrible person... How can you love someone like me?" I shook my head, burying my fingers in the depths of my hair. "Luna I need to know what took place that night, what was so relevant to make you love me the way you say you do?” Luna sighed. “You gave me a purpose…” Oh damn, here comes the philosophic discussion about life, death, destiny and etc. “We had sex?” I pinched my nose. “What? I throw my soul and my heart in front of you and you start talking about carnal intercourse?” She didn't looked pleased at all. “But this is an essential part of love, isn't it?” Come on, women are difficult in every single dimension! “Yes Richard, it is important! So important that you even fell asleep over my worktable while we were supposed to be doing that.” And there goes my reputation down the drain. Oh but my reputation left me a long time ago. “Well, I'm sorry about that! I thought we had done it before. And you don't even answered my first question yet.” "Look Rick, I’ll explain this through the easier possible way: You had a concussion and damaged your head, if I try to show you our memories from that night with a spell, I will most likely 'break' your brain. And if you haven't noticed yet, you're still weak from whatever shocking experience brought you here, and I can’t put your safety at risk." “And why can’t you simply tell me in the traditional way; you know, speaking!” I insisted. “Because I don’t want to!" She smiled. "Besides, your curiosity amuses me. Just stay calm and relax Richard, I've made a promise to you, and I will keep it. Now stand up and let’s go, there’s a carriage awaiting for us." Forget it, if I learned something from life, is that you can never argue with a woman. Or a mare. Never! As we left the ward, I couldn't help but notice how empty were the hospital corridors, maybe ponies don’t get hurt that easily. "It is a private facility" Luna said, as if reading my thoughts. In our way to the front doors I finally spotted something alive; two armored ponies awaited for us right beside the entrance. "What the hell... I muttered. They had bat wings. I stood there and stared at the peculiar ponies, Luna noticed and turned around. “Are you alright?” The princess asked. “Oh, yeah, I was just- observing your guards' bodies..." That sounded anything but right. Luna looked at me with a crooked expression. "I'm not gay." I added. She just chuckled. “Nice wings by the way." I pointed awkwardly to one of the guards. "You guys look like Batman... With hooves. But hey, I'm talking nonsense here and none of you understand what say so...” Oh Jesus, my concussion was worse than I thought. As my odd monologue dissipated in thin air, the guards opened the front gates and we finally left the cold hospital building. And whoa! The ponies must be fantastic architects, because the city was outstanding. There was a large square right outside the hospital, white marble shimmered in every direction I looked. Surrounding the square several towers and buildings stood over us. They were decorated with countless types of gems, metals, windows, banners, flags, and every sort of ornament you could imagine. It was night, but the streets were brightly lit, I don’t know what kind of energy they use here, but given the circumstances I would say that it must be some kind of magical energy of harmony and kindness. Whatever. The hospital seemed to be located at the lower part of the city, because from there I could raise my head and spot the shiny castle right on top of the mountains, piercing the clouds. 'Shiny’ I gritted my teeth. “Let’s go Richard, you can appreciate the view later, now our carriage awaits for us.” Luna grabbed my arm with one of her wings, and tossed me on the backseat. “What the fuck is this?” I looked around, holding tightly on my seat. “Oh, my little human is afraid of heights?” Just think with me; there's a magical unicorn forcing me into a carriage driven by pony bats. Are you sure this sounds reasonable? “I-I’m not afraid of this thing! I am just- Ah never mind, I can’t argue with you, right?” Luna glared me. And I’m telling you, I met her a few days ago, and she already broke the glaring record of my grandmother. They know the evil art of speaking with the eyes. “You must know the answer.” She closed the door and nodded to the bat ponies. And there we were, flying through the skies in a carriage. For my personal luck, the carriage flew slowly, and just high enough to not crash on the nearby buildings. From there I could see, or should I say - I couldn't see a single pony walking on the streets, the whole place looked like a zombie town. "Just what happened to your citizens?" Luna, which now just checked some letters turned to look at me. "I raised a curfew today, with that we could return to the castle without being seen by many ponies" "And why would you do that, I mean they know about the marriage, don't they?" I asked dubiously. "No, they don't..." She looked quite a bit distressed. "At least not yet. Your presence here is like a 'top secret' matter." "How can the princess of an empire get married without anyone knowing? And all the ceremonies and flowers and whatever that happens in princesses marriages?" I asked, teasing her. "Richard, how could I provide a ceremony, flowers and 'princesses things' in such a short lapse of time?" She sneered at my remarks."Besides, our marriage was different. It was a soul bonding." "A soul what?" I tilted my head at the terms. "Sorry, I keep forgetting the 'don't ask' rule... I just don't get why would you marry a drunken mortal." "And who said you are a mortal?" Here comes the shivers again. "Ah... Life?" I replied, unsure of my words. "I mean, mortality is quite the obvious thing isn't it?" Luna giggled. "I don't know what life on Earth taught you, but here in Equestria things are slightly different. We bonded our souls with a powerful spell, and since I am an immortal Alicorn, you'll be immortal just like me. As long as you don't kill yourself of course." I won't say I fainted again. Put yourself in my position - in less than a week, I accomplished half of humankind dreams. I found intelligent life and made contact with it, I discovered real magic, I traveled through some kind of wormhole and survived, I married a princess, won free diamonds. And became immortal. For most of people, acquiring immortality must be imagined as some kind of mystical experience. Ethereal travels through the cosmos, finding the nonperishable flame, etc... Not with me. I just got drunk in Las Vegas. I'm a immortal being now, funny isn't it? No! What the hell would come next? A horn grows in my forehead, a cute little tattoo appears in my butt and I become a pink pony of love and kindness? Author's Note [Warning] I have not fixed the next chapters yet, my old shitty grammar is pretty much unchecked. Read at your own risk. [05/01/2016]
Memory Lapses... (Kinda)A Night to Remember Oh the brain... Such a treacherous little organ. And there was me again, on my back upon a very worthy California King bed. I checked my vital sings to make sure I was still alive, everything was fine, so I walked along. Beside my cozy and warm mattress, the clock on the nightstand informed me the hours in red numbers: 06:37 pm Vegas is a city that never sleeps, but the best part of the night begins only after the clock strikes twelve. I stood up trying to shake my drowsiness away, feeling the cold breeze of the air conditioning system blowing against my neck, a chilling shiver ran down my spine. It was a city raised in the middle of Mojave Desert, living there was no easy task. Though the floor to ceiling windows of my suite I could see most of the Strip, unfortunately, the bloody hangover together with my poor vision wouldn't allow me to appreciate much of the sight. It is the price you have to pay for drinking too much, and caring too little about your body. I paced through the empty hallways of my room leading to the parlor, my shadow being my sole companion. Right next to the front door a letter awaited for me, probably another unpaid bill, I presumed. I felt sorry for the hotel manager, he could never imagine that the polite and charming Mr. Lorenzo would give his place the debt of the century. You know, daddy used to give me some good advice while I was just a little boy; very handy words by the way... One day he came back home after a long night at the local bar, he picked up an empty glass and a Johnie Walker bottle, sat on couch with a tired sigh, and said to me - 'Ricky, there's no better medicine for a hangover, than a good shot of Whiskey. Now be a good boy and bring your dad some ice.' Thanks dad, it was definitely one of the best things someone has ever said to me - this and 'if you smoke pot again you're gonna have a long talk with Mr. Leather Belt, ya' got it boy?' A warm bath, some shots of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of that precious beverage in my hands later, I left the room with a feeling of decaying confidence. The long hallways of Luxor surrounded the floors of the pyramid-shaped building, allowing the guests to have an incredible view of the lobby and stores far below. It gave me a hell of vertigo. Inside the elevator, I quickly checked my wallet and murmured something to myself. I had enough for only two or three days at the average nightclubs, but anyway; another dollar another day. I was tired of that sort of life. Tired of my ridiculous routine. I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my money in average days, hell no. I'd burn that shit with style, who cared about the future; I would wreck that place! And then the elevator door opened while I still leaned against it. Losing balance, I fell face first on the marble floor of the lobby. What a wonderful way to start my night. At least I could say I was lucky; my whiskey remained intact. It was around 8 pm, I had enough time to spend until my cinematic escape from the city tomorrow, walking to the hotel front desk, I asked for a valet to bring my car. What? I'm rich, and I like valets! While I waited for my car, something very strange happened. I was boringly walking around the lobby, enjoying displays filled with items I could never afford, until I noticed a large mirrored panel fixed on the wall. It was just a decoration of a jewelry store facade, but it really caught my attention; in the mirrored surface I could see the reflection of people passing through the lobby, as so from several casinos and bars of Luxor. The entire place pulsed with life, and I had this felling like... A dejavu, but it wasn't a dejavu. I can't describe it exactly, but was something like: 'Iwillnevergonnaseenoneofthisshitgainvu'. Oh damn... I must have drunk too much alcohol yesterday. "Mr. Lorenzo?" - Someone called me and pulled me out from the mirror trance. "Oh, y-yes, this is me. And you must be the guy who brought my vehicle!" I shook his hands "It's a pleasure to meet you!" The skinny guy wearing a starchy valet outfit (Yeah, they have outfits) smiled awkwardly at me. "S-sir, your car is ready, but..." He looked to the whiskey bottle in my hand "Are you sure that you're able to... Drive it?" Oh, this young one doesn't seems to know what big Richard here can do with a sport car and a nice bottle of whiskey. "Don't worry about this, I'm fine. Besides, today is a day to celebrate isn't it?" Strange, why am I feeling this peculiar joy? Oh Jesus, am I gay? What if- "Celebration? Have I forgot about any holiday?" Asked the valet confusedly. "Nope, It's my personal holiday, don't worry about it kiddo; just relax, go drink with some friends, catch some 'chicas'. You only live once so... Enjoy!" I got my car keys, placed a good amount of dollars into his shirt pocket, and left. Fuck it, I don't have much money, but I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. Finally in my car, my personal fortress. Inside this classy (and convertible) Maserati I felt like I floated in heavens, the large and cozy leather seats together with my fourteen speakers, aimed with 4.0 Advanced Sound System, made my vehicle a mix of a jet plane and a night club. Also, how could I forget about the- "Holy Shit!" I braked the car abruptly, as for a couple of feet I didn't run over a group of passersby crossing the street. Dammit, that would certainly mess with my freshly washed and polished beauty! Okay, forget the passersby; I need to solve a difficult and complex question; where would I blow my money today? I looked around the boulevard; every casino, bar, hotel, was a temptation for itself. I swear, this lights must utilize some kind of hypnotic stuff, they attract humans like moths! Let's see... I'm not in a good mood for poker today, or any kind of gaming by the way- Besides, my mind is in no sane condition for this, since I can barely tell the difference between an ace of spades, and my phone. No gambling for today I guess... About the bar; well, there are many places here, unfortunately I was kicked out or banned from nearly all of them. As I drove around the town, I couldn't help, but notice a new and vibrant building, which surely wasn't there last time I came to Vegas. 'The Cosmopolitan' Said the flashy sign right atop of the building. Bright lights, hot chicks, and as the outdoor says: 'Welcome to The Las Vegas Cosmopolitan'. Shit, he says that I'm welcome! It's more than enough for me; The Cosmopolitan, prepare your security guards! I parked my car and decided to give a quick glance around the place, it was built right next to one of the most traditional casinos of Las Vegas. From the patio I could appreciate the magnificent water show from the Bellagio fountains- Ah! The fountains... I still remember the day I decided to take a refreshing shower under those water arcs; sure, I also remember the security banishing me from approaching the casino again. Good times... My whiskey bottle was now almost at half, and It wasn't even midnight yet. Well, if I want to have some fun, better not get drunk before the party (I want to save my drunkenness for later) I was just steeping inside the bar, appreciating the amazing decor of the place, when I accidentally bumped against a guy, causing his smartphone to fly away from his hands and land a couple of feet ahead. "Ouch!" "Ops, excuse me..." I said "My fault, I was distracted." I leaned forward to grab his phone 'I just hope it has gorilla glass'- I reached it and immediately checked its screen, looking for any cracks. I couldn't help but notice a peculiar picture; why the hell this guy have a rainbow pony screensaver? Is this some kind of gay movement symbol or something- "Thanks..." The man took his phone from my hands awkwardly and walked away. Crap, who can even understand this world today huh? Rainbow ponies... Can you believe it? Anyway, inside the Cosmopolitan there was an incredible place called 'The Chandelier Bar', it was beautiful, luxurious, comfortable, and- GODDAMMIT! 15 BUCKS FOR A WATER BOTTLE! Holy shit! I think this is the price I have to pay for a stunning last night isn't it? And there was me again; sat on a bar stool, in the middle stages of drunkenness (that one when you start to get depressive). On the table by my side, a happy couple chatted casually, something about wedding preparations. Are they happy? I really don't care, but truly, I always wondered about how would it be, to have a normal life. You know what I'm talking about: An honest job, a wife, two kids, etc... But no; I never had none of this. I guess that's the reason of why I am like this today isn't it? I never had a normal family, my dad was the only one who really cared about me, mom left him while I was just a child. I really don't remember much about her. We had an enviable life, the best houses, cars, parties- But everything has its price... We never had enough time to grow roots on a city, it was just a matter of time until my father find problems with the local mobsters (or the police). And this happened ofter, and for a very good reason (not so good by the way) ; My father was an arms dealer. Nice childhood isn't it? I grown up hoping to escape from my dad's fate, but hey! The destiny like to play with us; just look who I became, look at this jerk ruining his life on Vegas. A bankrupt vodka dealer, expelled from his own home, and in debt with the Russian mafia- Daddy would be so proud... "...Another shot please" The clock showed two in the morning, and I was at my... Ermmm... Tenth shot (?) of whiskey. Dammit, even if they brought me diesel I wouldn't likely notice the difference. "Look who ve got here my vriends... Mr. Richard!" You're fucking kidding me! I turned around only to see- Holy shit, and I thought it was just an hallucination! "Dmitri?? Vlad?" "FUCKING RUSSIANS!" I jumped from my place, but where the hell went the casino? I looked around and saw nothing but a dim lit room (?) I checked my arms, my legs and my clothes; thanks god I was dressed.. I recalled the earlier events; I was in a carriage flying to Canterlot, Luna told me something about the 'soul bonding' thing she did with me, and about recently acquired immortality. Shit, this wasn't just another alcoholic coma after all- Not that I expected it to be; I mean, I passed out and came back to conscience almost four times since I reached this magical land of colored equines. The lights came on and dazzled my recently awake eyes- "Nightmares my dear?" I turned around towards the voice. There at the doorway was Luna, and I was lying over some kind of divan. Just hope that she has not taken me to a psychologist. Really, after these days events I don't think I'm able to answer a single question about me without freaking out. "Nah, just a strange flashback... Well, Kinda." I stretched my back across the divan and sat more snugly, leaning myself on its pillow. Damn, those ponies really know how to do the things right, huh? Luna smiled. "Good, so thou art finally recalling something! And what would be a 'Russian'?" She hopped on the divan and leaned her head against my shoulder. Reality strikes with full force again... Blue talking pony cuddling with me, and asking about Russians. I wonder, what would be the logical probabilities of something like this occur? I have diamonds in my clothes now. Fuck the logic. "Well... Russians are strange people who just need vodka to survive. They like bears, meteors, and if you ever meet one, he will probably live on a damn cold city" 'Oh Rick, what a beautiful stereotype' She tilted her head sightly to the left, trying to figure out the shit I just spoke "Erm... And, what would be this substance Vodka, that thou told us?" "Oh god... Just- Just forget about it ok? Vodka is a really bad thing." The princess just nodded. "Now, could you please explain to me why are we cuddling in some random couch at the middle of a hallway?" I looked at the surroundings, and saw nothing but a large corridor, flanked by large stained windows. "Oh yes... After thou swoon at the carriage, we let you resting on the divan of eternal dreams, while we were at the night court." "What for god's sake is a divan of eternal dre- *sigh* forget it... For how long I slept?" Remember your promises Richard; no questions about this place. "A few hours, the night court ended short time ago, and we decided to came here to take you back to our chambers, but when I went into the corridor you were screaming like a filly about Russians" Gee, I really have to stop fainting for every stupid reason, soon or later Luna will start to question my masculinity, and between us; when a magical unicorn call you filly... "Besides, we were just arranging something special for thee, since your last nervous breakup- And that concussion too..." The night princess leaned closer against me and moved her muzzle to my neck. Dammit, I'm dating with someone with a muzzle. 'This is so wrong...' I felt her warm breath against my skin, her hooves around me. "But only if it pleasures you... My master" Oh no "H-how the hell do y-ou know about... about the..." No way. "About thy 'thing' with the master word?" She deviously grinned; still too close to my neck in a way that a single move made me shiver. "Let's just say that be the princess of the dreams, have its benefits" She whispered. Great, now my wife can read my mind and search for my deepest thoughts. Thank you, God! I was in no position to deny this, I just stood there gaping. It's not every day you have your own secrets throw at your face like this. "So, what do you say to me master, can we go to our room to play?" Luna stood up and swung her flank just enough to tease me. For my father's sake, why this place needs to be so cruel with me? Where all my morals and doctrines about this kind of stuff went? "Pleeease my lord, we don't have all the night..."She bit her lower lip. 'Jesus! This freaking pony is asking for it!!' Lip bites and bed eyes were enough for me. I jumped from that couch and wrapped my arms around Luna, kissing her passionately. "I will show ya' how things works on Vegas miss..." I placed her hooves around my neck and pined her body right on the wall, while we interlocked our tong- Wait a sec. Why this wall have handles? And why its opening???? "Oh crap" It wasn't a wall, no, far from it. The two huge double doors that I shoved Luna into, burst open and made us flew right on the ground, I landed right over her, my hands pressing against the base of her wings. "Oh master, this is so brutal and... Wild!" Oh god. "... Hmmmph, show me! Show me how they do it on earth!" While Luna moaned beneath me, I looked forward only to spot- "Luna stop!" I stood up from the awkward position, just to see a confused Luna staring at me from the floor. "What now? Master don't want to play on the ground?" Won't she shut the fuck up? I held Luna's head and turned it to the side. And there was she; Princess Celestia, at her working desk staring agape at the scene unfolding before her. There are moments in your life when you just wish a place to hide and die alone. I'm a imaginative guy, and already thought about many strange probabilities, but none of them came even close to this one. Your wife elder sister finds both of you rolling on the floor of her office doing some kind of foreplay, and worst of all; she is a pony, a goddess, and- Dammit Richard! Foreplay with an alien unicorn for fuck's sake! Celestia just saw her 'little' sister talking dirty right in front of her and worse: calling me master. I just hope they have good accommodations there in the dungeons...
How to be a 'Prince'A Night to Remember "Come on Richard, it wasn't that bad." Luna trotted by my side giggling. We were just caught by her sister, in a very... Let's say, 'exotic' situation. Such a great way to present yourself to the local goddess; almost rutting her 'little' sister on the floor, but of course 'it wasn't that bad' A few moments earlier My mind was racing; ideas, ideas, ideas, Fuck! I need to say something! (Not related to 'fuck' of course) Luna was frozen by my side; but anyway, I think it's better this way, I truly fear what she could say to explain this shit. Not like we had much to explain, I mean, it was quite obvious when Luna said the 'Master don't want to play on the ground?' part. 'Okay Richard, stay calm, you're an immortal being right now, this way any extra shame would be a shame for the rest of the eternity' Thank You brain! You are FUCKING helping me! "S-sister... W-we were just-" Oh no no no no no, you're not going to talk miss... 'Quick, think of something your hairless monkey!' "W-we were just practicing for a play, that's all!" "You know... about slavery on earth and etc... To teach the kids- No! Foals, yeah... foals, about how the earth is bad, and how they need to love each other." Hell, I just worsened it. Both princesses turned their heads to look at me, as if expecting some kind of conclusion. Crap, I just came this far, I have to give this 'play' an end isn't it? "Erm... Luna was acting like a fugitive slave! Yeah- Being caught by her master. And this is why she was calling me master and-" Celestia chuckled, and left her desk towards me. "That's alright Richard, I have no problems with light bondage..." She fucking whipped my leg with her tail "In fact, your idea of 'master and slave' is quite normal among some couples" "...and I like it!" She... Oh god, she licked her lips. Now was my time to gape. "I- I was just... HEY! This wasn't my idea, this is Luna's fault!" I pointed to the sightly blushed Alicorn beside me. "My fault? Thou threw us at the door, and it is my fault?" "Of course it is! You was the one who had the brilliant idea of sift through my mind, looking for my- my..." "Thine ridiculous fetishes!" "I don't have any fet-" Celestia stuck her hoof into my mouth. "It's enough!" She giggled "There's no need for both of you to debate this right here. Now, why don't you two just find a spare room to... 'Practice for the Play' " "SISTER" Luna gasped. "Ha ha, I'm just teasing you Lulu; but taking advantage of your presence here, why don't you present me your little coltfriend, or should I say... 'flashy husband' " Before Luna could say something, I decided that it was my time to act (again). Like a man of course. "Oh, my apologies your... Holiness-" "Highness" Luna hissed in my ear. "Yeah... Highness, as you may know, my name is Richard Lorenzo, and- What the hell is a 'flashy husband'?" The sun princess just broke into laughs. Have I lost anything? "Well, it's about the way you got here. Didn't Luna told you? The lightning and the mares reaction to-" " 'Tia " Luna cut her. "This was supposed to be a secret!" Wait just a sec- "Secret? What are you hiding from me? Why don't you spill the beans about this fucking story?" Celestia seemed a little surprised when heard my response. "Wait, both of you... What's exactly happening here?" Said the confused sun princess. "And this is what we were trying to inform you 'Tia; he forgot everything since his departure. Richard don't rememeber anything, saved from a few memory lapses" Here we go... After quite the explanation of the century Celestia finally understood the situation, but of course that my bucking wife convinced her to not tell a thing about that damned night. Jesus! These princesses have the worst sense of humor I ever heard about. And that mare, Celestia... Who she think she is? A comedian? Just because she can move the sun, fly, and read my mind, doesn't mean that she can perform a stand up show. We left her study about an hour after the 'talk', it was almost four in the morning, and I was- Fucking... Tired... This week has been certainly the worst one in decades. And please, don't ask me the reasons of why it's been this way; I'm sure you already know about the 'Alien Planet Teleporting Incident'. We finally reached Luna's chambers, I didn't remembered much about the place, I just saw it a single time, which was when I woke up here. But I surely remember that table... Anyway, tables aside, I want a bed, and I want to bury my face on its pillows right now! "Soooo... Ricky..." Luna said to me, as I changed my clothes and jumped on the princess sized bed. "Yes Luna?" She hopped on the large round bed, vanishing below the dark bed sheets, and appeared exactly by my side. "Now that we are alone... Why don't we-" -"No." I glared her. "No? But you don't even listened to our question!" "Because I know exactly what you would ask for, and as I presume, it involves you moaning and calling me master." She rolled her eyes. "And wouldn't you want that?" She asked while licking my neck- "Dammit Luna!" "I just got out from the hospital, after being threw into your world and apparently married you, we got caught by your sister doing- God, I don't even know what we were doing!" I sighed. "Look, I just want to... Rest, okay?" I played with her mane. "I promise, that we'll do this. Just be a little more patient okay? I'm still getting used to... You know... Ponies." Luna groaned. "You're such a boring creature!" She turned away from me. "Nope. I'm just tired." I muttered while staring at the ceiling, when suddenly a question came to my mind; "Do you really need to sleep? I mean, aren't you like a goddess or something?" Richard, why do you still question this freaking nonsense world? "No, In fact, we don't require sleep, it's more related to a social convention. We usually rest during the day, allowing my sister to fulfill her duties apart from my influence" To hell I'm gonna spend my day alone with that sunny weirdo! "So I'm going to be just by myself during the entire afternoon?" "Oh, don't worry about that, I may be able to stay a few days awake, until you get used to the castle, and adjust your sleep cycle. What is thou usual sleep time?" She asked. "Well, it depends... If I'm sober, what I suppose I will be during mostly of my days here, then I might probably sleep at three or four in the morning, awaking around noon. Right on time for lunch!" Luna smiled, and kissed my cheek. "Then I should see thou at noon, now have thine rest. Tomorrow will certainly be an interesting day." And here comes the peculiar feeling again... Just look at me, being put to sleep by this mare, Luna, that besides all ~~her~~ our oddities and differences, cared about me since I got here. A mare. What an unlikely world; I wonder, where would I be right now, if I were on earth? Maybe dead, or in those Russians hands. But no. I'm here, laying half asleep, with a strange, but wonderful pers- pony, cuddling with me. God is such a creative guy isn't he? I shifted under the warm bed sheets, I really want to sleep a little bit more, but my stomach does not allow me to do so. What was the last decent meal I had? I mean, I don't remember eating anything except vegetables since I got here. Damn, I know these ponies are vegetarians, but couldn't someon- somepony at least cook an egg for me? Hmmmm... Delicious eggs with toast and some butter... Okay stomach, you won. Fuck it, I give up! I threw the covers away from my face and I'm greeted with complete darkness. Well, at least be married to the princess of the night has its privileges! Luna must have done some kind of 'witchcraft' to these blinds, to make her room look darker during the daytime. I search the over the bed blindly, but apparently she's nowhere to be found. I stood up still a little dizzy due to my sleepiness, I can barely see my own hands in front of my face. Walking around the room like an idiot, shaking my arms randomly, expecting to find a wall or maybe a - "OH FUCK. MY LEG!!" Jesus Christ, the pain. I tripped over something, trying to get some balance I desperately wrap my arms around the first thing I manage to grab. And look! I've found the curtains. Moments of pain and blindness later, here I was on the floor again. Gee I didn't expected it to tear apart. Holy mother, I almost fell through the window! Anyway, now that I have some decent light, and a decent swelling in my leg, I just need my clothes. And for Celestia's sake! I need a bath. Bath taken, teeth brushed, clothes- Luckily nopony stole them from me. I glanced the mirror just to make sure it was everything on its place, you have to be careful here dude, apparently they don't have any kind of underwear in Equestria... Everything's fine, shoes are okay, and I'm not stinking. Now... Where's the dinning room? As I opened the door and went into the hallway, I remembered why this place is called a 'castle'. After going down an almost endless staircase, I ran into a larger and wider corridor with dozens of doors, heading to god knows where. 'Dammit Luna, couldn't you at least send a guard to escort me?' And my prayers were attended! Somehow... Through the same corridor, comes the stupid captain, 'Prince Shining Armor' guardian of the blah blah blah. I swear, one day I'll hug this small piece of white cute fur- Crap, what the hell brain? Never mind, I want food, and this guy knows where the food is! "Look who we got here, isn't Shinning Little Armor?" What? His reaction to teasing amuses me! The captain halted in the middle of his way. "What are you doing here creatu- Prince Richard" Jerk... "Hang on partner, I just want to get to the food. Do you know where Luna is?" I walked closer to him, cautiously of course; I really don't wanna stand on the way of one of these pointy horns. "Princess Luna, is with her majesty Princess Celestia at the dinning room." Perfect! Food, and company. "Great, I'm starving here, couldn't you show me the way? I mean, alone I'll probably just get there for the dinner." He rolled his eyes and nodded. Gee, why this guy hates me so much? Just because I said that 'I'm gonna stuck your horn into-' Never Mind, here's a good question. "Why do you hate me?" I asked as I followed him through the castle corridors. He maintained the pace but tried to avoid my eyes. (Which was easy, these ponies barely reach my waist) *sigh* "I prefer not discuss that with you..." You're not going to avoid the big human here, little unicorn. "C'mon dude, I can be an idiot, but I remember clearly what you said; 'I know everything about your rotten planet and blah blah blah' Also, what the hell happened to your sister?" I asked "I've said before, I don't wanna talk about this, besides, you wouldn't understand... No one would" He shrugged "Look, I don't know what's your problem with my kind, or what they did to you in the past. I can be a moron sometimes, but I assure you that I would never, never, do anything to your pony friends. If you don't wanna talk about this, fine! Just stop judging me based on your 'dark' god knows what experiences-" "First door on the left. The princesses must be awaiting for you." He turned and left; I could swear I saw a tear running down his face. I stood there at the doorway, Shining Armor vanished in one of the many hallways. He can avoid me now, but one day I'll find out his secrets. I would follow him and offer a friendly shoulder to cry, but never mind. I just want some food. Oh the paradise! I opened the doors leading to the dinning room, and dear god; there were food, plenty of it. Salads, breads, cheese, and many other tasty things that I don't have idea of what it was. It had so much food that I almost didn't noticed Celestia teaching Luna how to eat a banana. What the- She spat the fruit, and threw it away with a magic blast. I would ask about it, but never mind, I really don't wanna lose my appetite. And talking about appetite, I was in trance with all that pony food; I just sat down on a random chair, not even bothering to talk with the two red faced alicorns right across the table. Were do I begin? Bread, oh delicious bread! I got some cheese and- what's this? Lettuce? I stuck everything inside the bread, and build a sandwich. Of course they don't eat any kind of meat here, but thanks to the angels, gods, heavens, whatever's up there, they don't mind- "Eggs!" When I was just about to toss some inside my sandwich, Luna took my fork and my plate away with her magic. "Richard!" "Thou art a Prince now, and shall act as one!" She dragged my chair to her side. "Thou must sit by my side at the table, make use of the correct silverware to each kind of food, as so as the cups!" ... And took away my glass of juice, which I had placed in a wine goblet. "Oh, come on, I'm starving! And, why do you need silverware if you can magically levitate your food?" I asked "It's a matter of etiquette Richard, it's impolite to levitate food!" Oh the irony... "Interesting for you to say that food levitation is impolite, when yourself was like... Harassing a banana!" She gasped at that. "I w-wasn't... I-It was just-" Celestia just laughed at her face. "Please Lulu, just let the poor famine eat! You can save the etiquette lecture for later." Luna rolled her eyes. "Very well Richard, eat what thou wilt. Just don't go around thinking that we will forget about the etiquette." She sighed "We should send you to a good manners school" Hmmmmm, then the pony thinks that I don't have manners isn't it? Very well, I must show her what dad taught me... During the rest of the lunch as well of the entire day, I spoke, acted, ate, walked and behaved as the worst type of snooty noble in this world. On earth, while I was young, my family was somewhat used to deal with these kind of idiots, and as the first and only kid of my father, I had to learn every single boring detail of this stupid of lifestyle. From how to fold and eat a lettuce, to how speak and act like a royal 'blue blood'. And talking about blue bloods... I had the interesting experience of meeting one of Celestia's nephews. A stallion ironically named Blue Blood. Coincidence isn't it? Anyway, he's just a cocky, dumb unicorn. But for an unknown reason, he seemed to like me. Maybe it has some relation with my noble way of speaking, or due to my little story about how I was the king of 'Vegas Empire' on earth. Can you believe it? The guy almost licked my shoes after that! Ha ha "...I have to say Princess, this was surely one of the finest dinners I ever had. Of course the presence of your majesty added an extra touch of splendor to the night. I can't barely wait for delight myself with another of these delicious hors d'oeuvres, surely the chef would-" "For my sister's sake Richard. Stop!" It's working! "Oh, my apologies your highness, did I said something inappropriate? It was not of my intent to bother you my Princess, if you want, I can-" "Stop Stop Stop! We surrender! I was wrong about this, you're an educated and polite human! Now can you please, stop acting like Blue Blood? It's killing me!" She said. "Oh... About that... I thought you wanted me to act like a prince." Yes Richard, soak your words with sarcasm! *sigh* "Yes we wanted, but we also were equally wrong! Please Rick... Just cease with this." I chuckled at the pleading pony. Very well, she learned her lesson. Yet, I have other plans in my mind. "Okay Luna, I'll stop." I said. "Oh thanks Celestia!" She hugged me. "I'll stop with one condition..." A grin spread through my face. Damn, I could be an incredible villain. "Condition? What kind of condition?" "Oh, nothing too relevant I assure you. In fact, it's quite simple: You just have to tell me what exactly happened on the night I came here, and I'll quit acting like an idiot." Boy, that was just... Evil! Fuck it, this is how life works girl, living and learning. " I-I, how could y-you! *sigh* Fine!" Victory!! I was happy, shit, how I was happy! It was a stupid joy of course. Knew about how we married wouldn't solve my problems (not that I have any major problem right now.) Anyway, I just kissed Luna. I mean, it was the least I could do isn't it? "I'm sorry about that okay? But I need to know soon or later..." "We know this. I just wasn't sure how would we tell you that. But couldn't you wait until tomorrow? We vow to tell everything you must want to know!" The night princess said, holding my hand with her hoof. "Fine, It's a deal!" I smiled, she smiled, everyone-pony won! Luna went to her night court, It was late and I decided to have some sleep. I was slowly getting used to the castle, well, at least the path between her tower, and the dinning room. Halfway to the staircase, something outside caught my attention; In one of the nearby towers, a faint purplish glow enlightened its windows. But it wasn't the glow who drew my sight, yet, the silhouette of a pony right on the top of it, sitting on the roof. What the hell? It couldn't be Celestia or Luna, because it was significantly smaller than the princesses. It had a horn; this way the options were restricted to an Alicorn, or a suicidal Unicorn. The mysterious being flew from the tower and disappeared on the night skies. I don't fucking know what the hell it was, but a shiver ran through my spine. What I did? Of course I ran like a little girl to my room and hid under the covers, everyone knows that monsters can't get you here! Or can they? Author's Note Yes, Finally an update. I must say, I wasn't expecting this story to reach over 50 likes (I know that 50 likes are irrelevant) but anyway. Please, remember to like/favorite the story! It helps it helps me to stay happy (Yay!) Just hope you've enjoyed this chapter, and as ever, feel free to comment about it! Until next one. PedroHander
Remembering (Something)Author's Note Huzzah! Yes my friends, a new chapter of A Night to Remember! This chapter was half done for almost a month, and today, I decided to finish it. Sure, I'm a lazy bastard. Anyway, feel free to point me eventual misspellings, etc... I really try to avoid them. Hope you like it! PedroHander Remembering (Something) A Night to Remember Hmmmmmm, Gummy bears... That was literally a delicious dream you could say. Here I was, wandering in some kind of candy land, giant gummy bears trotting happily by my side. Wait... Trotting? I glanced around, and my friendly bears were replaced by- "Candy Unicorns??" Hmmm, maybe their horns are made of caramel! Yes... I did it. Such a bad idea! Never try to lick an unicorn horn, even if they're just a dream! "Richaaaaard, what have you done! Only she is allowed to lick out horns! Now you've awakened the Purple Demon!" Shouted a candy pony next to me. Noooooo! I hate demons! I should have listened to my fellow candy friends. A demonic roar came out from a chocolate cave, followed by a purple mist that curiously, smelled just like strawberry. Well, at least if it kills me, I shall have a sweet death- Unfortunately, the cave thing... Let's just say that 'sweet' wasn't the best choice of words to describe it. A large alicorn, pony, whatever this shit is named, came flying towards me; a candy cane on its horn place. Yeah, I was screaming and running like a little girl. "Noooooooooooooo" I cried "You'll give me diabetes!" The lavender demon crashed over me, and with its hooves, pinned my body to the ground. "P-please! I swear, I'll n-never eat candy again, just let me live for God's sake!!" "I don't want your life Rick!" Said the demon, which curiously had a feminine voice. Yeah, new century, new sexual identities. "I want your LOVE" No no no no no! No more ponies loving me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I screamed under the beast. I felt the lack of surface under my back, and following the 'lack', my body landed with a thump on the floor; bed sheets and pillows all over my face. "Richard!!" Someone lifted my body from the cold tiles, and back to the... bed? What the- "Luna??" I shook my head. Rubbing my temples along with my forehead, I focused my eyes and saw a confused pony in front of me. "Oh dear... Memory lapses again?" She asked. It took some time for me to return completely to my senses, of course, after a psychedelic dream like this, I wouldn't be surprised if Luna said to me that she injected acid inside my veins. 'Yo, homie, I gave 'ya that celestial blue sky zen that thou enjoy' "No." I rested my head against the pillows with a puff. "It was just a... 'Candymare'." Luna chuckled. "A candymare? Well, we surely never heard about one of these before!" She leaned by my side. "Believe me honey, you don't wanna know..." I sighed "Errrrm, just for the record, unicorns don't have candy cane horns... Do they?" Just to make sure that I'm not having one of that inception dreams. "No Rick, they don't. At least until now we haven't met anypony with a candy cane horn" Oh, thanks god! "Good, good- Now I can resume my sleep in peace" I threw the covers over our bodies. "Then be it, have a good night Rick" She pecked my cheek. "Rest thy brain, thou will have to use it tomorrow when we show our reminiscences" Oh dammit, I completely forgot about that! Well, I just hope not find out something I'll regret. Like being raped by the guards... 'Go to sleep brain!' A faint light reached my closed eyelids. Oh no, it's morning already! I reluctantly opened my eyes, Luna was sleeping by my side, good thing... At least I don't have to roam around the castle searching for food alone. Yesterday's incident made a large tear on the blinds, allowing the entrance of a good amount of sun rays, lighting up the quiet and therefore gloomy night princess chambers. Silently I hopped out from the bed, not wanting to disturb her sleep (Unnecessary, but nonetheless cute as heaven) Since a few days ago, I began to think about the outside world, I mean, I can't leave the castle nor speak to almost anyone- anypony. All this plus the fact of 'Hey, I'm the only fucking human here' was really messing with my mind. I stood there, in front of the panoramic windows, gazing the city below my feet. These ponies really know how to build towers, Luna's room was located on... Dunno, 30th floor? I don't like heights, or towers; in special if they're made of wood and stone. What? Did you thought that this castle was built with reinforced concrete? "It is a beautiful city isn't it?" I turned my head, Luna was by my side at the window; didn't noticed her coming. I just confirmed the question with a nod. "It wasn't there when we got... Exiled, ages ago. We do still remember the first time we saw Canterlot, such beautiful buildings, lovely citizens. Very different from the ancient castle that we princesses, used to live erstwhile. "Yeah... I'm hungry, can we get some food?" My stomach grumbled something. "For my sister's sake Richard! Does your mind only think about food and alcohol?" She rolled her eyes. "No, you forgot about candy and sex!" I giggled. "But seriously speaking, can we eat now?" Hmmmm, I hope they have eggs today... "No, we can't" "Ahhhhhhh, whhyyyyyy?" And now I just begged food to a flying unicorn. "The spell for memory exchange can produce some, well... Some undesirable side effects." She made a disgusted face. "Let's just say that we don't wish to clean your vomit from the carpet." "Oh, and you really want to perform this spell now?" I asked "Well, yes! I thought it was of your desire." She stated. "Yes. Of course I want, just..." *Sigh* "Go ahead." Disappointed, I looked to my stomach. 'I'm sorry buddy, but our fun has to wait' Very well, I have never been hexed before, should I open my arms, dance, mimic a shaman or something? I just extended my arms and took a deep breath- "Richard, what do you think you're doing?" The princess cocked an eyebrow at me. "W-what? I really don't know, what should I do?" She chuckled. "Just sit on the couch." Sit on the couch? She's about to perform real magic on me, and I'll be just sitting on a couch? And all the mist, runes, sparks? "This shouldn't take long, It's just a brief sight from a single night after all; now please, stay quiet while I build the spell" Okay mom. You know, I'm an anxious guy; five minutes later, Luna was still working on the spell, her eyes closed while she focused on god knows what. As the spell grew, her mane began to sparkle even more than usual, along with a navy blue mist around her horn. "Is this supposed to happen-" Ops... "This wha-" Oh shit. lost focus, lost focus The burst of magic flew right to my face, making my eyes spin around its orbits; I was so fucking dizzy, my guts contorted inside my body. Fuck, now I understand why this has to be made while unfed. "Mo-ther of... Is t-that my pancreas?" Last thing I said before passing out. No, it doesn't make any sense. Finally, I could regain some conscience, the first thing I noticed was that I wasn't in the room anymore, I was floating like a ghost. Shit I'm dead? "... And then you can lick it, just like this!" I searched for the voice, only to see Princess Celestia teaching Luna how to... " Sister! Do we really need to know that?" Oh not the bananas again! "Oh my god! Wrong memory Luna; definitely, wrong memory! LET ME OUT OUT OUT OUT" A light came from nowhere, bringing my floating corpse back to reality. "What the hell was tha-" "Don't... Ask about it, please." Her face on a deep crimson tone, Luna facehoofed. I'm sorry, but I can't handle this anymore. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- Y-you just had to see your face! Do y-you ponies have some banana fetish?" I broke in laughs. Luna glared me furiously. "I said you should not interrupt us!" She slapped my face with a fucking wing! "Ouch!" "Now stay quiet! Just look what thou have done! We're gonna have to start all over again!" She shook her head disapprovingly "But you hit me-" "Quiet! Or I'll make sure you will not receive any desserts for a month" Now this shit got serious... "Thou art allowed to speak now" Luna's voice came out from- I don't really know where it came from. "Ahhh..." I looked around me "Why do I have wings? And why the hell I'm you, or you are me on-" "Who said 'you are me'?" Luna suddenly appeared in front of me. I swear, this mare have to stop doing these kind of things. "I'm in your body! And you are in your body, which mean that we are on the same body, but different! What the hell Luna!" She giggled. At this point I don't really know if giggles are a good or bad thing. Her sense of humor is kinda sordid. "Don't worry, you'll not be a princess for so long; this spell is simple, it makes thou see and experience what happened with the spell caster on a predetermined lapse of time" "Ah, I don't think I g-get it..." Snall words lady, small words. She huffed. "It makes you see what I've saw!" Ohhhh, pretty much better now! "Okay then, but I'm not seeing anything except you and a dark room" I looked around, just recognizing some few objects in the darkness. "That's because we were sleeping. Just be patient and see..." *Knock* *Knock* *Knock* Somepony slammed the door. On a flash, all the lights came on, revealing the night princess room. "Who came to our gates so early in the night?" She spoke. A strange tone in Luna's always strong and immaculate voice. Could even be mistaken for- As she stood up and slowly trotted to the door, a large mirrored wall revealed the princess face; dark circles around her eyes, reddish eyes... Her wings messed up, feathers and fur disheveled and uncombed. "Luna, were you crying-" I turned around, but her oneiric body wasn't with me anymore. She left me alone inside her memories. The sound of doors opening made me turn around again. "What does thou desire in my chamb- Oh... Captain Shining Armour." Holding a sob, she tried to maintain the composure in front of him. 'After all, she was a Princess, and Princesses couldn't exhibit weakness.' After a long bow, he turned to face her again; a concerned look in his face. "My princess... Forgive me for this obtrusion, you know that as your subject, I don't usually do something like this. But as your loyal friend, I worry about you." Looking down to him, Luna depressingly sighed. "We know." She whispered "Princess, It already makes four days since you came out from your room. Your sister and-" "Don't talk about our sister... Not now" She brought one of her hooves to her face and rubbed her tired eyes. "I-I'm sorry. It's just- Princess, we don't want that to happen again. We just wish your happiness, that's all." Backing away a few steps, Shining stood there, midway to the door. "That's not going to happen again Captain, I'm just... *Sigh* We don't know." Wow, I knew that Luna was kinda dark and stuff, but emotional hardcore? That's new. And I thought this went out of style a couple of years ago... "Princess, since Twilight's incident I'm feeling down too, but now she's fine, and that's what really matter. The problems are gone! stayed there, in the past." "What you say, why don't we go eat something? Or just walk around a little bit, It doesn't matter. I just want you to feel better, as every loyal subject that you have wants." Luna seemed to think for a while, maybe pondering about the captain's proposal. "We believe that food would be of no harm to us." She smiled; the first one in many days. As the memory developed itself, there were no signals of the- well, the 'true' Luna to be seen. That's strange of her part, but who am I to judge? Normality doesn't seems to be an active force in this world anyway. I boringly observed the talk flowing between the two ponies sat alone, side by side on a large dinner room. I'm not a psychologist, but I believe that I'm smart enough to understand what was happening with Luna. Considering her own words, and well... She was crying, so it's probably some serious stuff or well- Never mind, I was wrong, I'm not smart enough to understand it. Hurried hoofstep sounds echoed through the room, Luna and the captain turned their heads just to see a group of guards hastily halting in front of them. "Silver Spear, haven't I said this was a private meeting?" Shining rhetorically asked. "We *puff* know Captain *puff* but this is an emergency!" Still breathless, the guard said. "What happened? We demand to know!" Luna stood and walked to them. "My princess, there's an unknown creature running naked around the throne room! It smells like hard cider mixed with..." Silver Spear stopped in mid sentence and blushed. "Speak Sergeant! It smells like what?" Ordered the captain. "Excuse me princess, it may be improper for me to say but it's the only way I can describe it... It smells like a virile stallion urine, we d-don't know what to do, the creature just popped out from nothing, we even had to lock the maids away from him." He blushed even harder. "Did he tried to do something with them?" The night princess angrily asked. "N-no m-my princess, no... The opposite! The mares were trying to 'reach' him! They seemed to be practically immersed in some kind of trance, or love spell." Oh heavens, I'm feeling more awkward moments coming to my collection! "Gather your men together Sergeant, our priority now is catch this creature. I'm going to see this thing with my own eyes-" "No!" Luna said. "Thou art not going anywhere, we are going to deal with this being alone." She stated, to the guards surprise. "Princess this is nonsense, he can be dangerous, don't you remember what Sergeant Silver said? All the mares were poisoned by him!" Silver nodded with his head. "No Captain, I'm a royal Alicorn; nopony in this world can hex us, besides, we are fully capable of dealing with this!" Ah... Well, that's really strange, personally I wouldn't deal with someone like me even If I was a god. "But it's dangerous! He can harm you-" "What we said is stated. I'm going to see the creature alone, besides, don't you think about how dangerous it's for you and your guards to expose yourselves to him? What if this creature can make colts fall in love with him too?" That definitely made the captain think twice before complaining. "Ermmm.... As y-you wish your majesty. Just, please be careful." And that's my friends, is how you place a man on the edge, threatening his masculinity! "There's no need for worry, we shall be fine." Determined to prove her skills, Luna left the room. She was a princess! She could do this right? This would certainly show Celestia that she wasn't a fragile filly anymore... Luna had to do it.
Bullets, Russians and Jack DanielsAuthor's Note Yes, a new chapter of A Night to Remember! YES! Finally! After months, I managed to write about Richard and his misadventures through Vegas. I recommend you to re-read the previous chapters, they were rewritten and now they have 90% less grammatical errors. (I hope so) Don't forget to give the story a like! (If you like) Opinions, suggestions, critics, feel free to comment. Until next chapter, PedroHander Bullets, Russians and Jack Daniels A Night to Remember The handle slowly turned, captain Shining Armor stood outside while Princess Luna peered through a small crack between the door and the wall. However, the so called 'Mysterious Creature' was nowhere to be seen. Was this a good sign? I don't fucking know. Particularly, I would be pretty scared if I had to deal with myself in such peculiar conditions. Yet, 'fear' was a word banished from Luna's dictionary. She took a deep breath, prepared a simple protection spell just in case the creature decided to attack, and walked decidedly inside the throne room. During the long and eventful life of Luna, she had plenty of opportunities to witness a large part of all the oddities available in Equestria. From tentacles to chocolate rain, yet, literally nothing in this world could prepare her to him. With a click, the door closed, leaving the pony alone with whatever she could find- sleeping over the lavish celestial throne. Right there, with one of his arms limply hanging out from the armrest, was Richard; naked and asleep. A few scratches here and there, but nonetheless, alive. Inside his drunken mind he was only taking a well deserved nap inside his car. Unfortunately, Luna was unable to see the beauty behind an alcoholic nap, to the princess 'Richard' was an unknown being; naked, stinking and profaning the royal throne of Equestria. She stared at him for a few minutes, trying to find a logical and safe way to approach. Oh well, she could levitate the creature out of the throne and simply throw him away through the window; yes, that would be easy, but a little bit harsh... Or maybe she could- "Heeey little horseeey! Damn, I love these *hiccup* themed casinos." Luna's soul almost jumped from her own body when she heard that stupid and intoxicated voice. It's not everyday a hairless primate call the princess 'little horsey'. "W-who art thou? And what art thou d-doing over our Celestial Throne?" She spoke in a sightly shaky Royal Canterlot Voice. "Oh fuck, I'm in trouble again aren't I?" He sighed. "Sorry little blue horse... I'm leaving your chair now-" Before the princess could even consider the situation, Richard hopped out of the throne- but failed miserably in standing. His sore and tired body collapsed face first on the floor, right at the stairway. "Hmmmmmmmmmph" A muffled grunt escaped from his throat, his cheek was smashed against the stair, luckily, he was too drunk to feel real pain, at least for awhile. Luna gaped at the scene unfolding in front of her "For my sister sake! Art thou alive?" Still reluctant, she levitated him from the ground. He wriggled under the magical grasp "Ahh I'm jusht fiiiine, don't worrey little hor- Damn, why am I bleeding?" The princess wasn't really prepared to this, when she came to the throne room, she expected to fight heroically against some kind of demonic beast- not a decrepit moaning monkey. Luna laid his body on a nearby couch and stood in front of him, judging by the creature size she wasn't looking really imposing. Of course she could tear him apart from existence in a second, but this was not the case. "Thou bleed because thou wast stupid." She sighed. "Now press this against thy wound-" She magically generated a piece of cloth and pressed it against his forehead. "Ouch!" He flinched. "It was your fault, now keep pressing!" She rolled her eyes. Sat on her haunches only a few hooves away, for long minutes the princess just stood there, staring at the unknown being. She observed every insignificant movement of him, trying to absorb as much information as possible. In the meantime she couldn't help but notice a strange scent in the air, probably the same scent the guards mentioned before. Luna might have been trapped on the moon for a thousand years, but this smell wasn't something a mare can easily forget or ignore- "Art thou a dominant stallion?" She curiously asked. Richard couldn't help but chuckle "I'm a what?" Approaching him again, she removed the now blood stained cloth, and placed a clean one over his injury. "A stallion, a male virile specimen of thine kind." Richard just cocked his head at that and shrugged. She sighed. "Do you constantly fuck mares??" "Why would I fuck hooorses?" He snorted. "Because you smell just like stallion urine, that's why!" She took a seat on the couch by his side "And I'm not a horse, I'm a pony, an Alicorn to be exacter" "Oh c'mon, you just want to know if I would fuck you, isn't it?" Taken aback by his answer Luna just gasped " I... I never a-asked. Why would I-" her mumbling was suddenly interrupted when Richard broke into laughter. "...shit, you are the funniest hors- alleycorn I ever met!" I'm pretty sure Luna slapped my face after that, but for a unknown reason the memory started to dissolve again, the colors and sounds distorting around me until it completely vanished. I opened my eyes only to notice that I was exactly at the same spot of the couch, when Luna released the spell earlier. Talking about Luna- The princess was by my side, her eyes were still closed but her horn no longer sparkled with magic. "Luna?" I poked her nose. "W-what?" She jumped in place. "Richard? But..." She touched her horn with a hoof. "What happened?" I asked. "We don't know, it seems like something inside thine mind interfered with our magic." That's strange, I never thought my head was able to interfere with something aside from my own thoughts. I stood up from the couch, and almost instantly a sharp pain ran through my head, as if something was piercing my temples. "H-holy god-" I fell to my knees. "Rick!" Luna hurriedly ran to me. "What's happening??" I tried to focus my vision on her, but the images seemed blurred and duplicated. "I-I don't know, I-" My head throbbed again. I groaned in pain. "Richard- talk- look at us- " Her voiced was becoming no more than a whisper "Richard! breathe please!" I must have screamed, or Luna screamed, I don't know. Everything turned into black and I lost consciousness again Then Las Vegas came... The lights of Chandelier Bar and Casino overshadowed the fact that I was so fucking screwed. Inside of Vlad's trench coat I could catch a glimpse of a large golden gun, that I really don't want to know the gauge- "Mister Richard, let's be reasonable, we don't want this beautiful casino and its equally- charming american people... Destroyed. Do we want?" Naturally this would be one of the scarier moments of my life, but fortunately I had enough drinks in my stomach to make my brain forget what 'scarier' means. "Of course not my dear Vovka-" "It's Vladimir." He hissed. "Yeah, of course it is... Now, how can Mr. Richard help you and your- friends?" They 'politely' pushed me to a vacant table, I took a seat and did my best to stay awake. If they decide to kill me, at least I can see who shot first. Dmitri was tall and burly, he could easily break my neck as If I was a chicken. He sat across the table and placed a small bottle of vodka in front of him. "Veree vell Ricky..." Unlike his friends Dmitri had a terrible accent, you could barely understand him without the proper attention. Or without breaking into laughter (Of course this would certainly make me a dead man) "Veez eez one of vee bottles of vudka you send to uhs." He pointed to the bottle. 'Pripyat' said the label. "I see..." I scratched my neck "It's a really interesting bottle" I weakly smiled. Please, don't open the bottle, anything, but the bottle! I thought And he opened the bottle. "Yehs, It eez indeed a really interesteng bottle. But you knoov vats more eez interesteeng?" Dmitri calmly filled a glass with ice and vodka. "Ahh, I-I don't think I know." In a sharp move, Dmitri threw the vodka right on my eyes, one of the ice cubes accidentally slipping inside my jacket. "Fuck! Are you crazy?" I jumped from my seat shaking my arms until the ice finally came out. I whipped the thing from my eyes but indeed I haven't felt any pain, that because the 'vodka' inside the bottle was only- Dmitri pushed me against the wall and held me by the neck. "Vater Richard!" He growled and shook me. "Dimitri-" "You filled the bottles veet fuckeeng vater!?" "Dmitri stop!" Vovka or whatever his name said. The guy finally released my throat and turned his head furiously to look at his friend. "Vat do you vant Vladim-" He stopped in mid sentence. The whole place was silent just staring at us, the casino's security guards whispered something among them. Probably joking about my level of screwiness now. "Oh well..." I rubbed my neck "It was a pleasure to talk with you guys, but you know... Drinks and Russians can really exhaust someone. I think I'm gonna have some sleep- good bye!" Where there is life, there is hope. "We're not done yet." He grabbed my arm "You already gave us enough problems my friend" Vlad discretely pointed his pistol to me. You are probably wondering how could the security guards let them do this to me. Well my friends, one of the richest and powerful mobsters of the world is responsible for this. Let's just say that the security have better things to do rather than protect me from Dmitri Mikhailov and all his heavily armed fellows. "You come with us..." "Son of a bitch-" I squirmed in pain on the ground, Vlad observed my futile attempts to stand up with disdain. With one of my hands pressing my presumably broken rib cage, and the other one trying to find support in a nearby concrete pillar. "You k-know-" I coughed "I should have filled those stupid bottles with vaseline, so y'all could stick'em inside your fucking Russian butts!" I spit some blood resultant from the earlier punches and wiped my lips with the jacket sleeve. They just laughed. I looked back to myself and to this pathetic situation; here I was, cornered by the mafia in a stupid casino garage. They with ak 47's and I with a whiskey bottle. "Think positively Richard..." Said Vlad "Your dad would be so proud! Just look at you; a worthless little piece of shit. Just like him." I gritted my teeth, my body ached from all the pain they've inflicted to me, physically and psychologically. They will kill me, and this is certain to happen very soon. I'm not a religious guy, but when I saw Vlad raising his gun I thought it was probably a good time to reconsider my philosophy. I looked to my side and what my eyes spotted was probably one of the most beautiful sights of my life. Guess what; it wasn't woman, but my car. It was parked on the ground floor, right under my feet. I smiled, if there is any god out there, I think he's rooting for me. The precious words of Don Corleone came to my mind; "You can act like a man!" "Vat are ya laughing at?" Dmitri asked. "It's none of your business-" The pain seemed to fade away as adrenalin filled my veins. I stood up, my shaking hand grasped the Jack Daniels bottle by its neck. "Think positively Vlad... Your dad should have taught you how to appreciate a nice, american, whiskey." I said "But there's no need to worry, since that old faggot didn't, I shall teach you by myself." Before he could react, I threw the bottle right at his face. My legs moved automatically and I ran as fast as I could, almost instantly bullets started to hit everywhere around me. I couldn't go back anymore, If I had to die, I would die jumping from this window- "FUCK!" I body landed with a loud thump right on top of my car. My heart pounded inside my chest, there was no pain anymore. I desperately searched for the keys inside my pockets, I could heard the thugs approaching. Come on.... Come on! I finally opened the door, my hands were shaking, the key turned and I started the car. 'Yes!' "Catch him!" A hail of gunfire pierced through the roof, I stepped on the gas and the Maserati almost soared from the parking lot, trying to escape from the garage and at the same time from the bullets, I ran over the gate. The poor gatekeeper would soon find out why. The gate lead directly to the Vegas Boulevard, I focused my vision on the road in front of me, doing a zig-zag motion back and forth through the lanes. I took a glance at the rear-view mirror; two black SUV's were cutting across the sidewalk to reach me. "Oh no no no!" I ran through a red light and doing my best to dodge all the cars, went into a side street. I had to get in the freeway, it was my only chance to escape. "I'm sorry!" Of course I couldn't avoid all the vehicles, so I eventually rip away some car mirrors. I was starting to think that I had managed to mislead them, a sudden bump on the car back proved me wrong. My head slammed against the steering wheel, my vision was blurring again. The world around me was a cacophony of sounds, the guys screamed unintelligible things in Russian, bullets crossed the air in all directions. I peered through the window, this was the wrong avenue, there was no freeway. There was no escape. It was dim out there, but I could read a single sign; 'University of Las Vegas' "What the fuck-" A single shot was the last thing I heard, it must have hit one of the tires because the car instantly lost control and skidded away from the road. The world seemed to slow down as the Maserati overturned, glass shards, dirt, metal, grass... I tried to protect my eyes from the debris. With a final turn, the vehicle crashed at high speed into one of the university buildings. It was smelling of fuel, it was painful, it was on fire and I probably would be dead soon. But no... Apparently, god don't like the concept of dead. No... Not today. My night was just beginning.
