Rainbow Dash soared through the air demonstrating her flying techniques to Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps. Surely with the proper training and motivation they would easily qualify for the Equestria Games. And she couldn’t ask for a better cheerleader than Pinkie Pie… Pie? Her eyes widened in horror a split second before she impacted with a pastry.
The prone pegasus spiraled out of control, just barely catching herself before she could impact a tree. She grazed it as she pulled back up into the sky. She glared down at the ground, searching for the source of the flying dessert. She licked her lips. Apples. It was an apple brown betty. “Applejack.”
She dive-bombed the farm pony. “What the hay, AJ?”
“Uh, sorry ‘bout that, RD. I saw the Wonderbolts had a pie catapult and figured we should try it. Maybe I shoulda warned y’all first.”
“The Wonderbolts have a pie catapult?” At this point Rainbow Dash lost all interest in what Applejack was saying and she flew over to where the Wonderbolts were practicing. Sure enough, there was a pie launcher operated by Cloudsdale’s cheerleaders. “That’s gotta be Soarin’s idea.”
“Sure is. It’s a great time saver – we no longer need to land to eat, giving us more time for practicing.” The Wonderbolt in question fell into place alongside her as they flew above the practice fields.
Spitfire came up on her other side. “Yeah, and he needs to burn those pie calories off somehow. Now buck up and give me twenty laps.”
“Yes ma’am!” Soarin’ increased his pace and outdistanced the two mares.
“If it isn’t the rookie from the Academy.”
“Good to see you again too, ma’am.”
“No need for formalities, you’re not officially a Wonderbolt just yet. For now you can call me Spitfire. I couldn’t help noticing you’re far and away better than your teammates.”
“Yeah, I sorta decided to help out the team that most needed it.”
“A noble thought, but remember, a team is only as good as its weakest link. Two thirds of your team is the weakest link. When all is said and done, the record book will record the winning team, not the individual with the best performance. And wins look better on résumés if you catch my drift.” She motioned to the rest of the Cloudsdale team. “Soarin’ hasn’t been pulling his weight for our team. Which means we have an opening for a motivated young flyer such as you. You were born in Cloudsdale, making you eligible for the position.”
“Thank you, Spitfire. This is an incredible opportunity, but as much as I love Cloudsdale, Ponyville’s my home now. I can’t leave my friends hanging.”
“I understand. But keep this in mind – it’s too late for me to add you to our roster once qualifications are over. So if your team fails to qualify then you’ll be stuck watching from the grandstands.”
Rainbow gulped. “I’ll, uh, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good. I’m glad we had this discussion, rookie.”
Rainbow flew back towards her own team slowly as she mulled over the offer. On one hoof, while Spitfire hadn’t exactly said the words, she had implied that if she took the spot, she’d eventually achieve her lifelong dream and finally be made a full-fledged Wonderbolt. On the other hoof, the casual way Spitfire was ready to discard Soarin’ just to win a competition they likely already had in the bag was eating at her. Did loyalty mean nothing to her idols? And by even considering this offer, she had to question her own motives – did loyalty even mean anything to her anymore either?
Splat.
Once again she had flown straight into a flying pastry. She wiped her face with a hoof and glared down at the ground.
“Dagnabbit, RD! Are you daydreaming up there? That was right to ya!”
“Dashie!” Pinkie Pie was floating in front of her, still clad in her cheerleader outfit and rainbow wig, miraculously held aloft by half a dozen balloons. Applejack launched an apple brown betty right to Pinkie Pie and the party pony gobbled it up in a single bite.
Several more of the apple desserts were flung into the sky and Bulk Biceps devoured seven of them, trailing after them in an arc far off the deviated training path. Despite that, it was the fastest Dash had ever seen the muscular stallion move.
Fluttershy, meanwhile, was struggling just to hold onto the now shimmering horseshoe. The slick coating was making it nearly impossible to grasp.
“Do you like it, Rainbow, darling? I just had to give it a shiny new coat of paint! Now it looks presentable! Why, with another hour or two to work on it, I could make it simply fabulous! And just wait until you see the uniforms I’m working on.” Rarity levitated a flower into the frilly dress she was working on.
Rainbow Dash facehoofed. Her friends weren’t making this decision any easier. She was now even surer of it than before – with her friends ‘helping’ the Ponyville team, the Cloudsdale team consisting of the Wonderbolts would win this competition in a cakewalk.
Splat.
Rainbow Dash wiped pie from her face. “Dang it, Applejack! I’m not hungry.”
“Uh, that wasn’t one of mine, sugarcube.”
“Ha! I nailed Dashie from here!” A white pegasus pony with blonde hair jumped and giggled. She was wearing a Wonderbolts outfit and was standing next to the pie launcher. She yelled up at Rainbow, “Were you surprised?”
“Oh that is the final straw.” She took a quick scan of the surroundings and dejectedly concluded there was no way she could pull off a sonic rainboom without causing major collateral damage to the ponies and the town of Rainbow Falls beneath her. So that left only one option…
She landed next to the makeshift pie catapult Applejack and Pinkie Pie had constructed and looked it over. It wasn’t a professional pie launcher like the Wonderbolts had but it would do the job adequately. She loaded several apple brown betties on it and let loose.
Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.
All four of the pastries missed their marks entirely, raining down delicious apple treats on the Manehattan team instead.
“Hey yo, what are dese?”
“Are ya tryin’ t’ give the competition an unfair advantage? These are enhanced apple brown betties.”
“You have got to be kidding me! They test all the athletes for steroids, AJ!”
“Then why on Celestia’s green Equus do you have Bulk on your team?”
“He uses steroids?”
“Yeah!”
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both looked towards the bulging pony with disappointment shining in their eyes.
“I didn’t know. Did you know?” Fluttershy started babbling.
“That…actually explains a few things.” Rainbow Dash glanced at Bulk’s wings and facehoofed again.
“But that’s not what these fritters have been enhanced with.”
“Twi, these are apple brown betties, not apple fritters. Don’t tell me I need to cover all the variations on apple pastries with you again.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Maybe later. Anyways, these have a mix of vitamins and minerals essential to good health – all of which are completely legal and actually encouraged by the Equestria Games.”
Splat.
Rainbow Dash looked up just in time to see cannolis being dumped on the Ponyville team, courtesy the Manehattan team. A pegasus pulling a yellow taxi quickly flew off.
“Ahhhh! My beautiful team uniforms! There are stains all over them! Oh, those Manehattanites will rue the day they messed with me! Give me that!” Rarity shoved Rainbow Dash aside and took control of the pastry catapult. Apple brown betties rained down on the Manehattan team once more. She levitated more ammunition onto the launcher and fired again.
“Drop a few on Cloudsdale. They’re the ones who started this whole mess in the first place.”
“On it!” Rarity grinned mischievously. With Rarity’s precision, the Wonderbolts soon found themselves wearing apples. Soarin’ was delighted. Rainbow Dash cringed as a direct hit knocked the sunglasses right off of Spitfire. And much to her chagrin, Surprise, the pegasus who caught her off guard managed to avoid being hit and was now thoroughly enjoying munching on the brown betties.
“What the hay, Dash?”
“I can explain… Lightning Dust? What are you doing here?”
“After you got me expelled from the Wonderbolts Academy I received an offer from the city of Manehattan to lead their relay team to victory in the Equestria Games. And I’m still waiting for that explanation.”
“I was trying to hit the Wonderbolts.”
“Why didn’t you say so? I’ve got a grudge against them anyway for kicking me out. I’ll go have some cannolis delivered to them ASAP. And I’ve still got plenty more to send your way too, now that I know you’re here. I’ve still got a grudge against you too.”
“Wait…” But Lightning Dust was gone before Rainbow Dash could try to make peace with her.
Cannolis were simultaneously dumped on both the Cloudsdale and Ponyville teams by the Manehattan team. Rarity levitated more of the brown betties and a few of the cannolis onto the catapult and launched them yet again, strafing both the Manehattan and Cloudsdale teams.
Pies from the Wonderbolts soon rained down upon both the other squads. Twilight had by now cast a protection spell above the Ponyville team and the pastries bounced off harmlessly.
Splat.
“Pie?” Gilda grumbled. She hadn’t been able to so much as even look at a pie for the last three years without thinking of an annoying pink pony by the same name. “She couldn’t be here, could she? Well, who else would hit me with a banana cream pie?”
She flapped her massive wings and took to the sky. Pastries of all types were being flung in multiple directions and she had to dodge several as they came too close to her for comfort. But with her eagle eyes she spotted her nemesis nonchalantly leaning on a table next to the rest of her team. She also spotted the multi-hued mane of her former friend Rainbow Dash. She grinned. Revenge was a dish best served with a creamy filling.
The griffin casually strolled up to the Ponyville team. “Dash.”
“Gilda? What are you doing here?”
“Competing, same as you. I haven’t heard from you in a long time so I figured I’d drop by and say ‘hi’ and all that.”
“Have you forgotten why you haven’t heard from me?”
“Of course not. And that’s why I have something for Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh!” Pinkie Pie bounced happily. “Let me have it!”
Splat.
The éclair was pressed right between Pinkie’s eyes. She licked it off easily. “Yummy! These are Gustav’s, aren’t they? And could you shove the next one directly into my mouth please?”
Gilda stammered. “That tongue thing…. Just how?”
“Prehensile tongue.”
As Gilda just stood there blinking at Pinkie’s explanation, assorted pastries splattered her. She looked up to see a yellow pegasus hovering over her.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I, um, I didn’t mean to intentionally drop those on you.” Gilda growled in response. “Okay, yes I did.” Fluttershy hung her head in shame.
“Of course you know, this means war!” Gilda stuck her beak into the air and returned to her own team.
“I actually thought she was going to apologize for a minute. That’s the closest I’ve ever seen her come to doing so. So close.” Rainbow Dash sighed. She had great friends now, but part of her still missed hanging out with G.
“If she sends over more of those yummy delicious éclairs she can consider this apology accepted!”
Twilight levitated a pair of binoculars to her eyes. “I don’t think you have to worry about that, Pinkie. Looks like they’re loaded up and aiming right for us.”
“Yay!”
“Rarity, add the griffins to the target list.”
“Way ahead of you, Rainbow. Oh, and be a dear and see what those nice Royal Guards want.”
“What Royal Guards…” Rainbow Dash turned to look behind her. “Oh, hi. You may want to duck.”
The guards failed to heed her advice and were quickly coated in chocolate and creamy filling as éclairs rained down on the Ponyville team, courtesy the Griffin Empire.
“So, uh, is there something I can do for you? I mean, aside from getting you a towel or something?” Rainbow giggled nervously.
“We’re the Canterlot team and we came to extend a greeting and offer our sincere best wishes to you and your team in the games.”
Several pies hit the Royal Guards as they stood at attention in front of Rainbow Dash, and she fell to the ground laughing at their valiant efforts to remain stone-faced as gooey filling ran down their faces.
“However, we no longer wish to extend your team any professional courtesy as you’ve shown us none. Good day, Miss Dash.”
A few minutes later doughnuts landed on the bubble protecting the Ponyville team.
“Oh! Strawberry frosting with sprinkles! My absolute favorite!” Pinkie Pie hopped up and down, devouring as many of the doughnuts as she could.
“These are from Donut Joe’s. Don’t tell me the Canterlot team is getting involved in this?” Twilight asked.
“Oh yeah, some Royal Guards were by a few minutes ago. They kinda got coated in éclairs and pies while trying to be courteous and wish us luck in the race.”
Twilight facehoofed. “The Royal Guards have better training than to stoop to this.” A doughnut landed perfectly around her horn.
“I’ll say – that went right through your magical barrier and scored a direct hit! That was awesome!”
“What’s going on here?”
Rainbow Dash turned to see the rest of the Ponyville teams converging on the relay team’s position. The slalom team consisting of Flitter, Cloudchaser, and Blossomforth were completely covered in chocolate. Thunderlane and the rest of the steeplechase team were splattered in splotches of cinnamon and sugar, while the synchronized flying team was coated in marshmallows and what appeared to be the sticky residue of soda.
“Can you explain why the Horsey team dumped chocolate syrup on us?” Flitter wiped her forehead with a wing. "Totally uncool and junk."
“I’d like to know what we did to earn the ire of Fillydelphia’s team. I’d also like to know where they got all those soft pretzels from.” Thunderlane licked his lips. "They're messy, but they're kinda good."
“Chattaluna’s team showered us with Royal Crown Cola and then pelted us with Moon Pies.” Cloudkicker glared at Rainbow Dash. "Are you going to do something about this?"
“Uh, girls. We’re runnin’ a might low on ammo.”
“Nonsense, Applejack. Why, just look around you. We may have run out of your scrumptious apple brown betties, but we have an ample selection of other assorted desserts to choose from at this point. Do be a dear and scrape them off the top of the protective bubble and then load the catapult for me.”
Lightning Dust surveyed the pegasi in front of her. Native Manehattanites, all of them. Most of them were battle hardened after spending years serving on the front lines driving cabs throughout the streets of the metropolis. These were among the toughest, most feared ponies in the entire country. It would take more than a few pastries to stop them. They worked like a well-oiled machine, loading cannolis onto the launcher they had constructed out of cab parts. While Lightning Dust had focused primarily on the Ponyville and Cloudsdale teams up until now, her teammates had finally convinced her that they were being attacked on all fronts and needed to retaliate in kind. With a huff she had relented. Currently they were taking aim at Fillydelphia’s contingent.
The problem was they were running low on cannolis. She quickly calculated the distance back to Manehattan and the speed at which she could fly if she went flat out. She could restock their ammo in less than forty-five minutes. She gave her team permission to improvise until her return – after all, no battle plan ever survived contact with the enemy.
Gilda licked one of her primary feathers. This was the most delicious chocolate she had ever tasted. Immediately she wondered if the ever-popular éclairs of the Griffin Kingdom could be improved with this creamy milk chocolate. The problem was she had no idea which of the other teams had just pelted her with it.
Desserts of all types hurtled through the air raining sweet confections over any pony unlucky enough to be in their way. By now every competing team had gotten in on the act, and all of the teams were experiencing regional treats they’d not had access to previously.
Rainbow Dash looked through the binoculars. Despite the hour-long bombardment of pastries, Surprise’s white coat was still immaculate. She dodged several more incoming apple brown betties as Dash watched, eagerly gobbling them up once they hit the ground. “Pinkie Pie!”
“Yes Dashie?”
“I have an urgent mission for you! Your job is to break behind enemy lines and make sure Surprise suffers unspeakable torture.”
“What kind of torture?”
“Whatever sick and twisted things your mind can come up with.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie saluted and bounded across what had turned into a war zone, snacking on any pastries that were aimed for her.
“One shall stand! One shall fall!”
Surprise gasped, but quickly recovered. “Why throw away your life so recklessly?”
“That’s a question you should ask yourself.”
“Fall!”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie flopped into the grass surrounding her. “But this is Rainbow Falls, not Pinkie Falls.”
Surprise snorted and flopped onto the grass next to her. “Oh that’s a good one!”
“I still have to do unspeakable things to you. But do you totally want to be friends afterwards?”
“Of course!”
“Okies! Let’s make this quick then so we can get to having fun!” Pinkie Pie pulled some Brussels sprouts out of her saddlebag. “This is going to hurt me just as much as it does you.” She dragged one of the offending vegetables along Surprise’s foreleg.
“Nooooooooooo!” Surprise recoiled, tucking her legs under her body, but that didn’t stop Pinkie from tracing intricate patterns on her barrel, flanks, and even her withers. Surprise whimpered in fear. “You’re not gonna make me eat them, are you?”
“I am,” Pinkie said sadly. “Open wide.”
“I dun wanna! You can’t make me!”
A sprout sailed into Surprise’s open mouth as she was protesting. Before she could spit it out, Pinkie’s hoof was under her chin, forcing her to chew it.
“Om nom nom!” Pinkie said. “Swallow!”
Surprise obeyed the command, cringing as she gulped down the healthy green vegetable. “No more. Grant me mercy!”
“I thought you were made of sterner stuff.” More Brussels sprouts were forced into Surprise’s mouth and she whined while eating them. When Pinkie finally ran out of vegetables the white pegasus was nothing more than a shattered wreck curled up in the fetal position. “I’m sorry.” Pinkie touched a hoof to Surprise’s foreleg. “Can you ever forgive me?”
Surprise looked up, tears in her eyes. She had never experienced such atrocities in her whole life. And this pony had the audacity to still offer friendship? Well two could play at that game! “Only on one condition.”
“Anything! Name it!” The sincerity in Pinkie’s eyes almost made Surprise regret what she was about to do. Almost.
“Hold still. This is going to hurt me just as much as it’s going to hurt you.” She raided the Wonderbolts’ supplies and soon returned with what she had been looking for. She took several pieces of broccoli out and Pinkie’s eyes went wide in horror.
“Anything but that!”
“A vegetable for a vegetable. It’s only fair.”
“But that’s the most unspeakable of unspeakables! There’s corn, carrots, lettuce, or a dozen other veggies. Please… anything but broccoli. I’m terrified of broccoli.”
“You’re scared of it? But it looks like tiny itty bitty little trees! How could you be scared of something so adorable?”
Pinkie Pie stopped shaking and opened an eye, contemplating the icky vegetable in front of her. It certainly did resemble a tree. She pictured a miniature Applejack talking to it, and then bucking it. Little florets fell out of the head of the broccoli into miniature buckets. She couldn’t help but giggle at the mental image. “You’re right! It’s not scary at all!”
“Good. Now open wide!”
“Noooooooooo!”
Soon it was all over. The still trembling Pinkie Pie had consumed broccoli and lived to tell about it. She and Surprise embraced and immediately both ponies cleansed their palates with the sweets lying on the ground around them. It wasn’t long before the two ponies started throwing the treats at one another.
“Say… if this is a pie catapult, do you think it would work with a Pinkie Pie?”
“Oh! I don’t see why not! Are you volunteering to be launched?”
“Yeppers!”
“Where to?”
“Back to my own team if possible.”
“Okie dokie lokie! And thank you for flying Wonder Air.”
Rainbow Dash put down the binoculars. While it hadn’t gone down exactly as she had expected it to, the white Wonderbolt’s coat was now showing the scars of battle. She smiled. “Primary objective completed. Hold fire.”
But there was one last Pie in the sky with Rainbow Dash’s name on her. Pinkie crash-landed on top of the prismatic pegasus and both mares tumbled along the ground in a cloud of dust.
“Whee! That was fun! I wanna do it again!”
Rainbow Dash glared at her friend. “That can be arranged…”
One by one the other teams also stopped firing. Several unlucky ponies were volunteered by teammates to stand out in the open to see if the fighting was truly over.
Ms. Harshwinney surveyed the devastation. The training course was in shambles. Team banners were tattered. The fields underneath where the various teams had set up camp were strewn with destroyed pastries. The greatest athletes Equestria had to offer looked more like foals after a school cafeteria food fight. She grabbed a microphone. “Attention all teams. What is the meaning of this nonsense?”
For months the competing ponies had listened to Harshwhinny’s demands. For agonizing months her every wish had been catered to in hopes of scoring her favor or at the very least, avoiding her wrath. For the first time that day every team agreed on something. Harshwhinny’s words were met with an onslaught of pastries launched straight at her.
Half an hour later Ms. Harshwhinny stood on a platform, looking down on all of the teams in attendance, most of who were covered in the remnants of pastries. She cleared her throat. “After a thorough review of today’s events by our officiating staff, every team here should be disqualified for unsportsponylike conduct. However, since that would leave the Equestria Games short approximately one third of our competitions, we’ve decided instead to reconvene for qualifying in one week’s time. But only for teams that can prove that all of their members have completed forty hours of anger management counseling in the meantime. I hope to see you all here next week and better luck to all of you then.”
Lightning Dust soared in over the gathered ponies. “Hey! What happened?”
“The fighting is over.”
“You mean I flew all the way to Manehattan and back for nothing?” she fumed. “Oh well, so it’s not a total loss…” The cab full of cannolis landed atop Ms. Harshwhinny.
As the teams packed up to leave Rainbow Falls, representatives of each city visited each of the other delegations, exchanging contact information. Regardless of their performance in the sky the following week, everypony left a winner – new desserts would be appearing in their local bakeries within a few short months. All because of a pastry fight.
