The Royal Guard is a Completely Competent and Necessary Institution
Of all of Equestria's military organizations, the Royal Guards were without question the hardest. It didn't matter when duty called or why: it was their place to answer, and answer they would. Manticore invasion? They stood fast. Crumbling seals upon an ancient god? First in, last out.
Slow day at Ponyville Elementary? Lock and load.
“And that's why most royal guards are white or black!” Shining Armor shot the small class his most winning grin, only the absence of direct sunlight saving several fillies from being blinded. Flash Sentry rolled his eyes. “Any other questions?”
Before him, a cornucopia of fillies fidgeted and glanced at windows. Inwardly, Shining beamed even brighter. Maybe this was one op that would finally go smoothly. After the 'Manehatten High' incident, the Royal Gua—
A lone hoof thrust into the air. This could be bad. “Mr. Shining Armor, sir?” The little yellow and red filly spoke with probably the thickest accent Shining had ever heard. Stifling the pangs of fear in his heart, he nodded at the menacing bundle of curiosity. “If the Royal Guard's so special, what are you all doing at our little school?”
Dear sweet Celestia, it was worse than he could ever have imagined. His ears caught the faint sound of Flash Sentry snickering, and a brilliant idea occurred to him. It was time to demonstrate the single most dangerous skill of any captain of the Royal Guard: Delegation. “Well, let's see if private Flash Sentry can answer your question!”
“Oh! Well!” Flash coughed, trying to avoid swallowing his own tongue. “You see, um...” To Shining's eternal joy, the orange pegasus began to flop sweat on the spot. His eyes flicked to those brittle windows, and it didn't take a genius to tell he was trying to gauge if he could fit. “Well... it's really quite simple! You see, the Royal Guard is so good at keeping ponies safe, sometimes we go whole days without any trouble!”
“Oh.” The filly seemed to think that over for a moment, her expression twisted into that most dread state of 'deep thought.' “Hey! Don't that mean you got too many Guards? My sis Applejack says the Carrots hire too much help, which is why they sit around doing nothing!”
Any joy Shining took in Flash's pain instantly evaporated. This pint sized bundle of doom was worse than any hydra: he wouldn't have wished that question on any Guard, not even Flash. Carefully, he looked to the side, watching as Flash struggled with his sudden absence of heart function. “W-well...” As one, the fillies leaned in, subconsciously sensing his metric tons of fear.
“Oh! Look at the time!” Shining tossed away the crayon he'd nicked, and looked at the bright yellow watch hastily doodled on his hoof. “Time for the guard mandated bathroom break!”
“Did you just—” Began a deep orange and purple filly. However, whatever astute and no doubt lethal observation she was about to make was drown out by the sound of two grown colts diving into the schoolhouse's single bathroom.
“Oooookay...” Cheerilee stared blankly at the closed door, before coughing and reaching under her desk. “Well, kids, I guess this is as good a time as any for a pop quiz!”
“Awwwww...” Whined the room in their unified misery. However, their plight paled in comparison to that of the duo in the bathroom.
“What are you doing in here!?” Shining hissed at Flash, the two of them pressed almost nose to nose in the small, single-toilet space. “What were you thinking!?”
“I was thinking that I had to get out of there!” Flash growled back, matching his captain glare for glare. “What were you thinking!?”
“That I had to pee!” He jabbed a hoof at the toilet for emphasis. “Where do you think I got that brilliant idea? You're welcome by the way!”
“Well, I have to pee too!” The statement hung in the air for a moment, the full implications settling on the two. “Oh no.”
“I'm your superior officer. Get your flank back out there and let me pee.” Shining's tone brooked no argument, but Flash argued anyway.
“And I was in here first! Remember what happened to the last captain who decided to molest his troops in the can?” He threw a challenging glare of his own right back at Shining, the effect somewhat ruined as he clenched his hind legs together. “I will take this straight to Pony Resources, I swear.”
Faced with the threat, Shining changed tack, putting on his best puppy eyes. If they could wrest his 'private magazine collection' from Twilight, they could do anything. “Please Flash, you can fly. Just take a quick pass over the Everfree, nopony will see you.”
“Are you kidding? Do you know what the penalties are for using the 'in-flight outhouse?'” He flinched inward at there mere mention of the term. “It's not even the fines! I wouldn't be able to show my face in Cloudsdale again!”
“You think I've got it any better? Somepony catches me behind a bush, my whole family will get shunned out of Canterlot! The princess herself will rescind my commission!” He waved a hoof in what he thought was the general direction of the city. “My family, Flash, think of my family!” He then smacked Flash as his expression grew slightly too dreamy. “Except my sister!”
“Ow! Hey!” Whatever retort he might have made was forgotten as he again shifted his hips back and forth. “Okay, look, I'm not gonna leave, you're not gonna leave... let's just...”
“Woah. WOAH.” Shining shook his head, nearly taking Flash's eye out with his horn. “No, no way. No way no how.”
“It's not like we have to... you know, touch or anything...” He'd started to sweat again, his expression distinctly pained. “Look, I'm gonna go, it's either the can or the floor.” His decision made, he turned to the porcelain throne, and took his best shot.
Shining averted his eyes, despite the fact that technically neither of them was any more exposed then they were the rest of the day. Still, as the continuing tinkle splashed away, he found his own situation growing increasingly unbearable. At long last, he relented and examined the toilet from as far in the corner of his eye as he could. “Okay, just, watch the spray.” With a sigh of the utmost relief, Shining joined Flash in a moment neither one would ever discuss ever.
For a few moments, it looked like the entire affair would pass without incident, becoming a quietly repressed memory buried under several miles of denial. That was when the streams crossed, and Flash screamed. “Watch it! OH CELESTIA IT'S ON MY HOOVES!” The pegasus tried to back up and evade, which posed some distinct challenges for his aim.
“CELESTIA'S FLAMING—” Shining flailed back in his own right, only exacerbating the situation. In the space of seconds, there were no survivors. Not the floor, not the ceiling, not the walls, not the two royal guards, and that was before they slipped on the pooling mess and smashed right out the door.
And still golden showers flowed.
Deathly silence sat over the dinner table, Shining tugging at an imaginary collar as Twilight stared agog. “...so yeah. That's why I never visited you in Ponyville, and never will.”
Author's Note
Remember when I had dignity? Good times.
