A walk in the park
This isn't a park. It's a dirt road.
This doesn't feel like one of those roads that goes somewhere. It's definitely one of those roads that is defined by what it's going away from. A quaint little rural avenue that loses its luster almost immediately, becoming little more than a dirt track once around the first bend from the pristine little village it leaves behind.
'Isn't it so pretty?' A visitor to this idyllic little burg might remark, gazing off down the well manicured lane. They might think of the adventures that could be right around that first bend. A manufactured image, evoked by the town planning committee. Look what you have, a perfect place. Right around the corner all your dreams turn to mud and uncertainty. Never leave.
A white stallion with a gray mane trots down this subtle mind game, picking up his pace slightly to catch up to a purple mare with a multi-colored mane dressed in a light traveling cloak. He comes up alongside the mare, matching his stride to hers and trotting along in silence for a few moments. The mare glances at him curiously, but continues on her way.
"My name is Promise."
The mare glances over to the stallion again. "Just Promise?"
"Yes. Sort of ill defined, isn't it? That's not what this conversation is about, though. If there is a thing." Promise blinks. "That this conversation is about, I mean."
"Hmmm..." The mare mutters. "Is this really a conversation?"
"I talked. You responded. This is a conversation." The mare nickers lightly, the matter of fact speech amusing her. She turns her head to the stallion again, getting a better look at him. He isn't small. That's the first thing that crosses her mind. A large pegasus, he dwarfs her physically. His size might be intimidating if his manner isn't so inherently self-effacing. He meticulously maintains a certain distance from her, and she has the feeling that it isn't just a physical one. She gets the impression that this is a stallion that is well aware of his size and strength, and goes to great lengths not to take advantage of that fact, especially psychologically.
"Well, I suppose that does fall under the definition of a conversation." The mare responds. "By the way, I'm-"
"I know who you are." Promise cuts her off. The mares eyes narrow, annoyed by the interruption. "For the purposes of this conversation, let's say we stay strangers. There might be things I want to say that require a certain-" Promises brow furrows. "Emotional distance. That might change later, if you decide to indulge me for that long. Are you going far today?"
Promises neck whips over, his gaze falling full on the mare for the first time. He takes in the narrowed eyes, the lightly pouting lips. At his sudden, almost violent movement, those narrowed eyes widen in startlement. Promise stumbles slightly, skipping a few feet to the right, away from the mare. They both stop, and regard each other for a moment. Promise drops his gaze almost immediately, gesturing forward with a hoof.
"My apologies for startling you. Please, don't let me keep you. This was a mistake." By the end of Promises speech, he trails off, seeming to be speaking more to himself than the mare. She continues to regard the strange stallion. Thinking rapidly, she comes to a decision.
"Well, Promise, if you know who I am, I'm sure you know I'm not likely to do that. Drawing from my vast reserves of knowledge on the subject, I have determined that..." The mare cracks a wry grin. "you could really use a friend, right now." She then motions down the road with a hoof, mirroring Promises earlier gesture. "And it just so happens that I have a Fair ways to go. 'conversations'," She makes air quotes with her hooves, still grinning, "Tend to help make a long road seem shorter." The mare then cocks her head. "How far are you going, anyway?"
Promise snorts, then turns away. The mare thinks she detects a hint of color on Promises cheeks. "As far as I need to, I suppose. At this point, it's more important to me that I'm going somewhere." Promise sighs. "Just one of those things, I suppose. I feel like I've been going nowhere for so long, I'd better get going or I never will. I suppose, if a premise is required, that is what this conversation is about." Promise turns his eyes forward, shaking his mane out. The mare wonders if the gesture is unconscious or affected. It has the air of long practice.
"Well," The mare replies, starting to trot along the ill maintained path again, "A journey of discovery, hmm?" She glances back at Promise as he draws back up alongside her. Her eyes wander to his flank, but his Cutie Mark is covered by a heavy set of saddlebags.
"It's a door. Slightly ajar. I suppose it's meant a lot of different things to a lot of different ponies, but it hasn't given me any particular insight into my special talent. Too much introspection always felt like a conceit when I was younger, but I've more recently come to the conclusion that it might not have been a total waste of time, had I indulged." A shadow passes over Promises face, but passes into rueful smoothness. "I was a rather serious youth, not much for flights of fancy."
'Was?' The mare thinks to herself, nickering lightly. "So, what do you do? Are you a diplomat? Or a teacher? You seem to have an educated turn of phrase." Inside the mare a small fire smoldered. This Promise had definitely managed to engage her curiosity. "Where did you grow up?"
Promise harumphs lightly and tosses his mane again. "If you don't mind, I'll cover some of that now, and some later. As for what I do, I suppose I don't really do anything anymore. I walk, or fly, then stop. Eventually I start again." Promise snorts, a heavy gust of air expelling from his nostrils. "Sometimes it takes me too long to get started again. Sometimes I need to remind myself why I still... Walk." The mare notes a hesitation on Promises last word.
"As for where I grew up... All over Equestria, I suppose. I'm probably an orphan, or I suppose I might have merely been abandoned." The mare gasps, a hoof going to her mouth. Promise turns to her, a slightly pained smile on his face. "Not that common in Equestria, but not unheard of either, I assure you. My first memories are of a couple that called me Promise, and made it quite clear I wasn't theirs. They took care of me for a few years, and then they left. I wasn't invited to come along, but by that time I was at least capable of fending for myself."
The mare winces. This stallion had been abandoned twice in his young life. This might be part of the reason for his standoffish attitude. 'Is this hesitancy I feel almost radiating off him because of feelings of abandonment? Self worth issues? I feel like I want to help this stallion, and I KNOW I need to hear what he has to say.'
"What did you do after... Well, next?" The mare asks.
"I wandered, I suppose. I found work, made friends, learned new things, and then I moved on. I was a woodspony, a farmer, a weatherpony, a courier. I even spent a few years guarding caravans traveling through Griffon and Diamond Dog territories. They weren't quite as civilized as they are now when i was growing up." Promise snorts again, his gait becomes slightly stilted, and his gaze clouds slightly. The mare gets the feeling he is reliving some less than pleasant memories from those 'less civilized' times.
Promise tosses his mane again, seeming to refocus on the present.
"I wandered for a long time, but eventually I came to the city of the Twin Princesses. It was... Different. Every walk of life, every type of being seemed represented in that city. I felt I might have found an end to my wanderings. I was instantly drawn to the Royal academy, and used what small savings I had to enroll." Promise smiles at the memory. The mare is surprised by the intensity of his expression. It's the first one she's seen unclouded by hesitancy.
"What did you study?" The mare asked. Promise laughs, and turns that almost radiant smile her way again.
"Oh, lots of things. I spent many years at the academy. Eventually I even became a professor there, as you earlier had guessed. Hippology, and I was asked by the Board to do some guest lectures on the cultures of other species in the wider Equestria." Promise trots jauntily along until he comes to this point in his narrative. He slowly rolls his gait into a more modulated walk, and glances over at the mare, his eyes unreadable. "It was at one of these lectures that I met the Princess. She was impressed with my knowledge of the other inhabitants of our little world, and after the lecture she approached me with an offer to join her diplomatic corps."
"Oh, you know the Princess, too? She's an amazing mare, isn't she? you must have been honored, right?" The mare bounces a few times, and clops her hooves in excitement. She sputters off into embarrassed silence as Promise bursts out laughing at her almost schoolfilly like excitement. After a minute or two, Promise composes himself, and fixes the mare with a serious expression.
"I had to consider her offer for a long time. Although it would be an honor to serve her, and it was an honor, make no mistake, accepting her offer would thrust me back into a life that I had thought myself done with. I would be a wanderer again, and I had built a life in that city. Other considerations eventually forced my hoof, however, and I eventually accepted her offer. I spent some time in her tutelage, learning her diplomatic policies, acquainting myself with the current issues with the various races. It was an eye-opening experience, and I grew very fond of her lessons. We became friends, but eventually I needed to begin my service to her abroad." Promise frowns for a moment, but his next sentence brings a wry grin to his face.
"I spent the next part of my life rushing from one embassy to the next, 'putting out fires' as my Princess described it in one of the many missives we sent back and forth."
"That must have been exciting! An international diplomat and personal friend to the Princess? You must have gone everywhere!" The mare was bursting with excitement. Something bothered her about this whole thing, though. "I'm surprised I haven't heard of you, though. You don't seem that old, and I've been in and around Canterlot court for most of my life, until a few years ago anyway. I'm a friend of Celestias as well, and I don't remember her ever mentioning you."
Promise waves a hoof dismissively, but his body language becomes slightly hesitant again. "Oh, I'm older than I look, I suppose. Celestia and I haven't spoken in a very long time either. Our last words weren't exactly the friendliest. I wouldn't be surprised if she's done her best to forget I ever existed. It might have been long enough now that she might forgive me, but I'm not exactly a stallion that takes a lot of chances anymore." Promise sighs, lapsing into a heavy silence.
"Oh, I'm sorry Promise. You shouldn't worry about Celestia being angry with you, though. She's one of the most forgiving mares I've ever met." The mare thinks back over the many acts of kindness and forgiveness that her mentor has shown. 'I'm sure she would forgive Promise. Friendship is stronger than a few harsh words.' Promise looks at the mare evenly, then nickers softly.
"I suppose she has mellowed in the last little while, but Celestia had every right to be angry with me. I did her at least one grave disservice, even if merely through inattention, or perhaps inaction. At any rate, my diplomatic service WAS a very exciting time. So much so that I admit I lost track of time. My frequent visits to the capitol dwindled as my duties took me further away, and lasted longer. I didn't realize until I received an urgent missive from Celestia that it had been years since my last trip home, and my Princess sorely needed my help. I made my apologies to the dragons I was currently negotiating with, and made best speed back to the Capitol." As Promise speaks, he seems to become agitated. there is deep sorrow behind his eyes, and his tone gains an almost cutting edge.
"I was too late returning. Celestia and I had our angry words. I left. Instead of consoling each other in our grief, we lashed out. We both said and did things I'm sure we both regret." Promise trails off. The mare is stunned. What was this grief they shared? She racks her brains for any mention she can recall in recent history of a personal tragedy for Celestia, but can think of nothing.
'The Princess had an almost idyllic reign until just recently. There haven't been any major disasters in Equestria since...' The mare gasps. Promise turns toward her with a quizzical expression on his face. He reads the dawning comprehension on the mares face.
"Well, you are a smart one, just like they say. Most ponies I meet don't figure it out, but then again, I have been a bit less circumspect in our interaction than I normally am. You'll be around long enough that it won't hinder and can honestly only help our dealings." Promise sits down, opens his saddlebags and starts pulling out various pieces of armor. Promise meticulously straps on the unadorned steel plates. He's soon almost completely covered. Articulated wing plates are the last to be attached, looking much like gray bones laid over the existing skeletal structure of his wings. Promise contorts awkwardly and sinches in a belly strap. He looks back up at the mare, smiling awkwardly.
"So much harder to get that all situated without a page. So, anyway, yes. I'm very old. I would be even if Celestia hadn't cast a few morally questionable spells when I verbally berated her for what happened to Luna. By that I mean I'd still be around regardless. Umm, probably. At any rate, I have certain responsibilities, and you've recently fallen under the purview of such. I can't exactly perform my duties for Celestia, as she might just light a merry bonfire in my chest cavity. Luna... Well, revealing my continued existence would just about do exactly the opposite of my bound oath. Cadence isn't technically under my jurisdiction. So, here we are."
The mare sits on the ground, a slightly stunned expression on her face. "...Buh?" The mare works her jaw around with a hoof for a moment. "I'm sorry, but, where are we? You're some kind of immortal guardian of the Equestrian Royal line?"
"Something like that. Now, at any rate. I wasn't always. Luna has a strange way of inspiring loyalty in a person, though. So, my little Princess, guess who gets a bodyguard? We just need to work out the particulars. Hey, what's that!" Promise suddenly shouts, pointing straight up. The mare jerks her head up, scanning the skies. She then hears a metallic clunk, and a shadow falls over her. She looks back down to see that Promise, his breastplate shed, rears over her. The mare shrieks in fright, and Promise comes down bodily on top of her. Her horn pierces his chest, and wash of blood gushes down onto her.
"Argh. That hurts, curse it! Why does the quick and dirty version always have to make up for time with pain? Princess, if you wouldn't mind, could you just shoot a bit of magic into my heart, there? And, perhaps stop screaming? I'm not going to hurt you. Ever. Well, you might get a crick in your neck."
The mare doesn't know what to do. Promise is speared on her horn like, well, like an easily speared thing! But his pain wracked voice is so solicitous, even if his actions suddenly seemed like that of a crazy ponies'. Unable to think of a better idea, the mare complies, and sends a gout of raw magic tumbling through her horn into Promises wound.
"Woah!" Promise bellows as the magic from the mares horn literally blasts him off of her. He lands in a heap a dozen feet away, and groans. He gets shakily back to his hooves, and the Mare can easily see the gaping hole in his chest quickly reknit itself closed. Of course, The mare is currently lying on the ground, drenched in blood, all manner of strident mental messages no doubt warring for supremacy in her slightly concussed skull. "Umm, Princess, you're still screaming..." Promise murmurs. Realizing this is true, the mare closes her mouth.
"So, Let's see. Magical bonding all set, but let's make this official. Just repeat after me, ok." Still more than a little shaken up, The mare nods. "I, Princess Twilight Sparkle-"
"That's not my name."
Promise sputters to a halt. "Wait, what?"
The mare slowly gets to her feet. Her cloak slides off her back, the clasp having come undone during her impromptu meeting with the ground. Promise is astonished when the expected wings are not in evidence. The mares smooth back is unadorned. Her cutie mark is revealed to be a trio of brilliant-cut diamonds.
"My names Sparkler. Why in Celestias name would you think I was Twilight?"
Mare Talk
"So can I call horseapples yet?"
"Well, I dunno. I mean, MOONDANCER might be able to call horseapples at this point."
"It was a FAZE, curse you. Young mares go through fazes. Our minds are still developing. Temporary insanity. Shut up."
"Heh, sure. But really, I'm not pulling your tail. This guy totally IMPALED himself on me. Talk about penetration."
"Eww. You are totally spending too much time around Cloud."
"Meh. So anyway, he gets up and trots over to me all like 'I totally wasn't just stabbed in the heart, I'm a spiffy buff Pegasus, these little details are inconsequential to my stallionhood.' And I'm all like 'Buh?' And he's all like, 'Erky derk Twalaght Spurkle, yall be princess now."
"He said 'Erky derk...?'"
"Of course not. I was being facetious. Or something. I think that word means what I think it does. But anyway, I was like, are you damaged? I'm Sparkler, duh. I think at that point his brain might have broke for a bit."
"Leave it to Sparkler to break the stallion. Did you molest him while he was comatose, you slutty filly? I told you all that time around Cloud was going to warp you into a volatile sex monster, wandering the lost byways of Ponyville, satiating your uncontrollable lust for pony juices."
"Wow. You really do have a sick and twisted imagination, Moony. Cloud isn't anything like that. And I'm a young mare, developing mind, insanity, yada yada. I just waved my hoof in front of his face for a bit, then he walked off the road and started headbutting a tree. Amusing as this was, after a few, well, maybe a dozen smacks, I decided to stop him."
"Generous of you."
"I thought so, yes. So I grab him with my magic, and turn him towards me. He's all like, 'This shouldn't work. Why did it even work.' I can tell he's not actually talking to me. Muttering to himself, more than anything. At this point, I'm still totally freaked out. So I may have shook him around a bit."
"Flexing your freakish magic muscles for the hunky stallion. You know honey, that works better when you're not shaking HIM. Maybe you're not spending enough time around Cloud, after all..."
"Facehole. Close it. Like you can talk Mrs. 'it's my party, and I'll throw this table through the wall if I want to.'"
"It was a FAZE!"
"I can still see it in my mind. There you are, standing up, hooves on hips, head thrown back and cackling like a madmare. How did it go again? 'Moondancer has no need for such plebeian fare! Bask in her magnificence as she removes this atrocity from her sight!' Your mom looked kind of hurt. And I thought your dad was gonna whip off his belt and thrash the crap out of you right then and there. I didn't think I'd ever actually see someone purple with rage. Your dad being of a more gray persuasion most times, it was a sight."
"...Are you done?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, fine, back to Promise I guess. He seemed to come out of his funk after a few seconds of my gentle shaking."
"By that you mean you thrashed him about like a rag doll until he screamed at you to stop?"
"...Ahem. GENTLE. SHAKING. He was more than a bit put out, I could tell. Seemed to keep throwing glances toward my back, like he was hoping I'd spontaneously sprout a pair of wings, pop on the old crown and tell him I was just joshing him. So he asks me who I am, if I'm not Twilight. I felt a bit bad about the stabbing thing, which was totally his fault anyway, so I decided to indulge him. Gave him the whole song and dance about the orphanage, the foster homes, mom. Surprisingly good listener, for a stallion."
"Really Sparks? That's not like you. You usually play that stuff a bit closer to the vest, yeah? I mean, we're like, BFF's, and you didn't tell ME that stuff until we'd known each other more than a year. Getting soft on me, enigmatic mare of mystery?"
"Oh, shove a hoof in it. Like I said, I maybe felt kinda bad. And he just got done telling me his frickin' life story. It felt appropriate to reciprocate. Or something. Stop snickering. I will beat you."
"You liiiiiike him! His tragic story has melted your fickle, icy heart, and now your womb aches to be filled with his foals! Star-crossed lovers you will beat the odds... As he robs the cradle times, like, a thousand thousand times. You do realize that he's like, ooooold, right? If he even exists. but whatever."
"You are a treacherous creature. I mean lecherous. Whatever, they both work."
"I calls 'em like I sees 'em. So you tell each other your life stories, establishing deep emotional bonds. Over the course of a couple hours. And you're apparently soulbound to him? Is that a real thing? Why do all your stories make me question reality? And or your sanity?"
"What can I say, I'm blessed with an interesting life."
"isn't there some culture that considers that the worst thing you can say to someone? 'May you be blessed with an interesting life?'"
"What? No. Maybe, yeah. So what?"
"Merely commenting on the wisdom of more worldly ponies. So get on with it. You gushed all over the poor stallion, noticing all the while that he kept sneaking glances at your 'back...'"
"Come on now, if anyone was gushing it was him. That came out wrong. I meant the blood!"
"I don't even have to say anything. All effusions aside, what happened next? You were on your way to Manehatten, and I kinda doubt you could just drag this Promise along."
"Well, not that he was giving me any choice in the matter, but why couldn't I just bring Promise along to Manehatten?"
"Hmmm. You don't see any problems in bringing the hunky stallion on your trip to Manehatten? Nothing that could make that strange or awkward?"
"Um, not really?"
"I KNEW IT! You always said you were going to meet your glaringly obviously FAKE coltfriend on these trips to Manehatten you take. LIES! I cast thee down, mare of deception! Like you could ever get a boyfriend without binding and gagging him, and dragging him bodily to my house so you could show him off. Who was the one you actually did that with? Bale Fire, or Hay Bale, something with a Bale in it."
"Mrfffhgh... Hrmblrgh mrff mrff."
"Eating that pillow won't give you super unembarrassed powers. We went over this, you can't eat something and steal it's power. Stop hiding and spill it. I wanna know what you really get up to in Manehatten. Are you a filly of the evening? Drug courier? You make all those trips to Canterlot, too. Is that your illicit smuggling route? Are you Celestias secret Cake connection?"
"You are a very simple filly, Moony."
"A simple filly that's totally getting to the bottom of this if I have to tickle you into unconsciousness through oxygen deprivation. We both know I can. And will. Give up. Make it easier on yourself..."
"Fine, you horse. I have a tutor there. Happy?"
"A... A tutor. Sparks, I know you're dumb, but, you're not stupid. Why would you need a tutor?"
"Well, you know I've been taking lessons from Twilight. She happened to know a mare in Manehatten that's... Very accomplished in my line of magic. She thought I might benefit from a few lessons from her, too."
"So you made up a fake coltfriend to cover up the fact that you're learning how to make better pretty lights? Hey, where'd you go?"
"I'm still right here."
"Ah, what in Tartaurus? Oh, that is so frickin' cool Sparks! You learned how to turn invisible? Wow, that's some pretty boss magic there filly."
"You think so? Well, yeah, I guess it's pretty cool. Trixie taught me all kinds of cool stuff, so far. She really knows her magic. Stuff like countering out light waves to mask your horn glow, and lots of tips on light refraction. She also knows things about Twilight that I really didn't need to..."
"So... You learned how to turn invisible, and stealth cast. Are you planning on becoming a mare in her majesties secret service or something?"
"I'm not planning on anything. It's just where my talents happen to lie. You know me, I'm all about self improvement. Check this one out."
"OW! What the hell Sparks, you burned my mane! My bangs are totally crisped! And there's a hole in the wall..."
"Pew Pew."
"Celestia curse it, you do not need to be able to shoot lasers. What are you, a secret Alpha or something?"
"..."
"Really?"
"Maybe just barely? Probably a high Beta, or so Twilight says. Umm, that's, that'scoolrightyoudon'thatemeorfearmenowright?"
"Wha-? Umm, no, not really. No more than I've always feared you. I know that eventually you'll snap and go on a sexual rampage, pillaging the 'treasures' of every able bodied stallion in the area before succumbing to exhaustion, but I'm a mare. I'll just be able to sit on the sidelines with some popcorn and enjoy the show."
"I see the revelation that I can now shoot holes in you isn't going to deter you from calling me a sex maniac."
"What can I say. It might be repressed, but eventually that dam's gonna break."
"What even gave you this idea, anyway?"
"Remember all those sleepovers we've had? I'm an insomniac, and you talk in your sleep."
"..."
"Yeah. We've gone over this, the pillow cannot save you. And it's freaky watching it float around in the air and deform around your mouth as you CONTINUE to try to eat it. You might as well drop the invisibility spell, I can see you blushing through it. Also freaky."
"Why has my life suddenly exploded with weird and embarrassing?"
"Oh, come on Sparks, your life was ALWAYS weird and embarrassing. You're just only now realizing that other people know it. So, supermare, are we going to get past the fact that I know you better than you thought I did, and back to why you dragged me out of work early and bustled me up to your room? Tables won't wait themselves, and I'm already on thin ice with my boss as it is."
"Let me just... Process for a sec."
"Get over it. You're still the mare I know and love to tease. So, what happened with this Promise guy next? Did he suddenly sprout a horn? Tell you he was going to take you away from your dreary life as a super spy in training and plop you into the lap of luxury? Personal servants to hand-feed you grapes, give you hooficures, and he would put himself at your constant service to satisfy your baser needs?"
"Actually, He saved my life."
"Shut up. This is cliché and you should feel cliché. Are you just telling me this crazy story to soften the blow that you're an uber unicorn, which I already knew and never cared about? You take lessons with Twilight Sparkle, the most magical unicorn maybe ever. You went to Celestias school for gifted unicorns, and Celestia herself taught you for a while."
"Just... Just the basics. It's nothing special."
"Don't do that. I hate it when you put yourself down. That was special. YOU are special. You're a great mare, and you have an awesome life ahead of you, despite how crappy it started out. You have an amazing mom, an adorable sister, and if I do say so myself, the best friends a pony could have. I know exactly why you do it, and it's total horseapples. Moondancer calls horseapples. You don't know what happened to your parents. If they died, that doesn't mean they didn't love you, and if they abandoned you, they're the stupidest ponies in all of Equestria, and that was their hang-up."
"It's just hard, not knowing I guess. This... This has gotten way off track. I don't really want to get into it again about that. Promise! Right, Promise. He really did save my life. He's great at telling stories. He can tell you how he saved my life. And then we totally don't need to talk about the other thing."
"Frickin' sigh. Fine wondermare, is this Promise around? Let's hear him tell his tale of daring heroism, the rescue of a fair damsel that can turn invisible and shoot lasers."
"Umm, right, ok then. Promise, come out!"
"I find this highly undignified. And I'm hungry. You promised you'd feed me. Muffins were mentioned. Indescribably delicious muffins. Considering the conversation I've just been privy to, was that a sex joke? I do not find this funny."
"Huh. This should surprise me. Does Ditzy know you have a large pegasus stallion hiding in your closet? And... Is he wearing a collar?"
"It's his collar."
"It is not."
"He put it on."
"I did not."
"Well, he likes it anyway."
"..."
"Madness. So, this evidence leads me to believe that you may actually be telling the truth. Or you're so desperate that you hired an actor. Either way. Let's hear it, Promise. How'd you save my gal pal here from certain doom."
"Feed me."
"Sorry, big boy, you're not getting MY muffin."
"You mares are terrible. Now feed the nice stallion before story time children."
"I told you Sparks. Even he knows he's robbing the cradle. Robbing it blind."
"I have done nothing untoward. I am her bound Guardian. It is my duty to protect her. There will be no robbing, of cradles or anything else."
"Ooh. Shot down."
"Oh, shut your pie hole. I'm gonna run downstairs and get some muffins. And maybe a pie, to plug that unsightly blemish on the natural world. Promise, be good. Moony, don't break him."
"..."
"Soooo... This is awkward."
"All comments at this time would be inappropriate. Because I must 'be good'. Like a dog. With a collar. I do like it, by the way. Why didn't I listen to all those ponies that warned me about Ponyville? Nexus of chaos. Discord's prime vacation spot."
"Are you even talking to me?"
"Time to get back in the game, Promise. New Princess to protect, time to make a difference again. Princess' travel incognito all the time, it must be her. Purple unicorn in Ponyville. Evinces personal relationship with Celestia. Powerful magical presence. Circumstantial evidence makes the case. WHY DID IT WORK?"
"AH, Tartaurus, don't yell at me like that all of a sudden. I don't even know what you're talking about big sexy."
"Ugh. The bonding spell. It has prerequisites. She doesn't meet them."
"Well, if it worked, she must meet them, right?"
"... Yes. She must. Don't speak of this to her."
"You are like, so damaged, huh?"
"I suppose."
"Muffins! Here you go Promise. You want some Moony."
"Umm, no. The way Promise is going to town on those... I'm satisfied."
"He's driven."
"Yup."
"Great form, too."
"Yup."
"I think I may be slightly dirtier for watching this."
"Please don't ruin muffins for me. It's like all my mom can cook."
"Didn't Cloud already do that?"
"Oh, right, thanks for reminding me. Promise, please stop licking yourself. I don't think muffin crumbs could have possibly... Celestia help me, I was wrong..."
"Well, this one's going into that special corner of my brain that I save for bedtime."
"That was a sumptuous feast. Your mother should be commended for her prowess. I am sated."
"Me too buddy."
"STAHP. I'm dying."
"Hey, you impersonated Twilight, got soulbound, then decided to wave him in front of me like a chocolate éclair. You deserve this."
"I did none of those things!"
"From my perspective you did. You deserve this."
"I hate you both. Promise, sing us a story."
"What? I have to sing it? No one will enjoy that."
"Hate. Tell the story you overstuffed swan. You steroid addicted goshawk. You smell like a groundskeepers abandoned shed."
"If those muffins hadn't been so decadent, I would take offense. But they were moist. And tender. And mouthwateringly delicious. I may have missed a few crumbs. Let me just check."
"That's fine with me, you just go back for seconds big se-"
"No no no I'm sorry I apologize. No more..."
"Accepted. You wished to hear of our recent exploits, oh dirty minded one? I suppose I can pick up where I had begun chastising a tree for getting in the way of my face."
Author's Note
So I wrote this like this for reasons. Hopefully it isn't too hard to keep track of who's saying what. I don't have a problem, but I wrote it, so... hope yall enjoy.
