Nothing Personal, It was Purely Business
“That’s the last of them, finally.”
Solid Theory let out a tired sigh as wiped his brow with a hoof. The tan unicorn fell back onto his rump, piles of parchment neatly stacked on the wooden table before him as the blue glow surrounding them fizzled out. He had finished compiling all of the research data on his master work; the potion that had allowed Princess Celestia to save the inhabitants of this planet from their own destructive nature.
Solid Theory stared at the paper, his mind reliving the week before when the Princess had announced the success of the project. The entire planet had been covered by the barrier, the once stricken environment replaced by green fields, lush forests and sparkeling oceans. Theory and his team had been overjoyed to hear the news, the celebrations having lasted for days.
While his part in saving the humans from themselves was heralded as a great achievement Theory still felt a twinge of remorse when he recalled his first meeting with a newfoal, the mare the perfect picture of innocence. She remembered nothing of her previous life or people, content to just voice her praise for Celestia and Equestria in general. He was proud to have helped a species that needed harmony so desperately but as a scientist, the loss of such knowledge that he could have learned from the humans tore him greatly.
Theory didn’t move to incinerate the research notes on the conversion potion immediately as had been ordered by the Princess, the stallion content to lose himself in his thoughts as he sat in the barren lab room. Minutes passed, the only sounds that could be heard were his breathing and the occasional shuffling that his personal assistant, Quicksilver, made as the young stallion packed up lab equipment in the adjoining room.
Thinking of his assistant brought a small smile to Theory’s face, the grey-coated unicorn always a reliable source of comedic relief. Ever since the young stallion had been accepted into the job he had proved himself to be quite the life-saver, always quick to provide the science team with tea and other refreshments as well as humorous jokes and lightheaded teasing. The assistant had quickly cemented himself in the lives of the scientists, sometimes even inquiring into the nature of their work. While Theory enjoyed Quicksilver’s curiosity there was one thing that he valued the stallion for above all else.
“Quicksilver,” the middle-aged scientist called out, “could you please fetch me a cup of that incredibly addictive coffee blend you make?” Hoofsteps rang out on the metal floor, Quicksilver brushing his chestnut mane out of his blue eyes as he poked his head through the door.
“Sure thing Mister Theory,” the assistant joyfully replied, “the usual straight with just a hint of sugar?” Theory chuckled at the response, despite the older stallion’s repeated insistence Quicksilver was adamant to refer to him as ‘Mister’.
“Do I ever take it differently?” the scientist answered, Quicksilver rolling his eyes in response.
“Sorry for asking old stallion, I just thought that with Celestia’s order you’d maybe like something stronger to help you go through with it.”
“No, I’m perfectly fine with the destruction of my work without any help thank you,” Theory bitterly responded as he returned his attention to the pile of notes waiting for destruction, “just a few more minutes for me to reflect on what I created, then all data on my ultimate work shall go up in flames.”
“You’ll always be remembered for the good you did sir,” Quicksilver comforted as he approached the seated scientist, “nothing will change that and I’m sure that you’ll have plenty of opportunity in the future to create more great works.” Theory gave his assistant a thankful smile, Quicksilver always retaining an upbeat attitude even in the most trying of circumstances.
“Thank you Quicksilver, you yourself have shown great talent and integrity during your time with us. I would be grateful if you continue to improve my working day in the future as well, speaking of which…”
Quicksilver grinned at the scientist, “I’ll go get your coffee right away, don’t go setting fire to anymore benches while I’m gone.” Theory laughed at the memory of that day, never before had he seen his team of scienceponies so panicked. Quicksilver took a small bow before rushing out the plain door leading to the kitchen area, leaving the scientist to his own devices. Theory adjusted his lab coat, the white fabric briefly shielding his cutie mark of a bubbling beaker filled with green fluid which represented his innate gift for all things scientific.
His ears sprung up as the sound of a door slamming shut sounded, coming from the hallway that his assistant had disappeared down. Concerned for the young unicorn Theory got up from his spot, calling out as he approached the grey metal door.
“Quicksilver, are you okay?”
Theory reached out with his magic, aiming to open the metal door before it was opened gently from the other side. Through the doorway strode four unknown ponies, all earth ponies that shared the same light blue coat colour. Two of the ponies, Stallions, had coal-black manes and tails accompanied by lively brown eyes. The two mares had two-tone lilac tails and manes with fiery red eyes, all four of the new ponies sporting wide grins as they stared at the startled scientist.
“Who are you, who gave you permission to come in here?” Theory shakily asked as he backed up, one of the twin mares slowly approaching him as her fellows fanned out around the room.
“Oh don’t mind us,” the mare began cheerily, “we’re just here because we’ve been ordered to make sure your research is all safe and sound!” Theory glanced around at the rest of the intruders, one stallion guarding the main doors while the other two Earth ponies started to gather all of the research notes and place them in metal briefcases. The mare watched the scientist with a mischievous look in her eyes, Theory gulping as he addressed the crazy mare.
“So, you’re not going to hurt me?” he questioned with a tiny amount of fear in his voice. The light blue mare giggled into a hoof at the stallion’s response.
“Oh no silly,” she chuckled as she placed her raised hoof against Theory’s tan chest, the stallion looking down at the limb in confusion. “The Commander ordered that you get to live so that you can serve us!” The mare announced with glee.
“What?“ was all Theory managed to say, before the mare’s hoof touching his chest emitted a light whirring sound. The unicorn stallion gasped as a needle punctured his chest and something was injected into him, the mare still grinning as her foreleg shimmered with a blue glow, blue hair giving way to the cool gleam of metal. The smiling pony withdrew her mechanical hoof, a sliver of metal retracting as a drop of clear liquid left the tip and dripped on the floor.
Theory found he couldn’t move his body, the scientist toppling over onto the cool metal floor hitting the bench with a hoof on the way down. A glass beaker smashed to pieces on the floor, the other three intruders paying it no heed. The mare that had paralysed him sat down and righted the scientist caringly, placing his back against the bench. She giggled once more as she watched the unicorn’s eyes blink rapidly, the pony unable to speak.
“Silly me, I put a bit too much in,” she proclaimed, Theory’s eyes growing in fright as the mare touched him again with her artificial leg. A second needle pierced the unicorn’s skin on his neck, a much smaller amount of liquid invading his bloodstream. Theory let out a weak splutter as he regained control of his mouth muscles, a line of drool dribbling down his chin.
“Wha- what are you?” he weakly questioned, the mare causally preening her mane with her metal leg, the limb having split into four parts that were covered with spikes which the earth pony manipulated like a comb.
“Well, my official designation is Unit-One and I’m an Infiltration and Subversion Assault Drone, Self-Aware Model,” The mare answered as she started to brush her tail. “I was created by the United Imperium of Planets Research and Development Section to serve the Internal Security Agency as an artificial infiltration and psychological warfare weapon. I’m able to change my form to match over nighty-eight percent of known sapient species and I’m classified as a self-aware Artificial Intelligence.”
“You’re a machine?” the helpless unicorn responded, the mare ceasing her grooming as she looked at him happily.
“You ask a lot of questions, I like you!” the not-pony exclaimed, “and if by machine you mean a robot then no. I can simulate flesh and blood,” she demonstrated by rubbing the stallion’s face tenderly with her other fore-hoof, causing Theory to wince “and I can think like a pony, I just am programed to follow every order from a superior officer and obey the rules of the UIP. My body is made up of tiny, tiny computers called nano-cells that work just like organic cells, even better in fact. I can replicate any part of an organic body,” the mare leaned in to whisper into the unicorn’s ear, “even the reproductive system to a limited extent.” Theory blushed as the mare winked at him seductively, her metal leg once again returning to its original organic appearance.
“What’s going on in here?”
All of the occupants of the room looked towards the voice, Quicksilver standing in the open door staring at Theory and the surprised mare leaning towards him. Hoping to save his assistant from whatever cruel fate awaited himself, Theory summoned up the strength to force out a shout.
“Quicksilver, run and get hel-“
The unicorn was cut off as Unit-One shoved her hoof into the scientist’s mouth to muffle his cry, Quicksilver not moving to escape at all as he continued to stare at the scene before him. The other three ponies around the room looked at the assistant before returning to their previous tasks. Theory was confused, why weren’t the intruders trying to capture Quicksilver and more importantly why was the grey unicorn not running away? Quicksilver trotted towards Theory and Unit-One, the artificial abomination that was posing as a mare leapt to her hooves and snapped off a salute as the scientist’s eyes widened in shock.
“Commander Sir! Everything is going as planned!” the mare addressed, Quicksilver shooting the mare an amused glance.
“Does the plan include you attempting to seduce our mission target?” The assistant questioned, Unit-One lowering her hoof as she beamed at her apparent superior.
“It’s included in my plan!” she chirped, “What’s the point of being able to experience emotions and stimuli if you can’t take advantage of it. Just look at units Two, Three and Four,” the mare continued as she pointed towards her three companions who had finished their task of gathering the data and were standing stock still with cases on their backs. “They’re all so boring, what with them not having quite an advanced AI as me,” the mare stated as she put a hoof to her chest and her muzzle to the air. Quicksilver chuckled, shaking his head at the prideful antics of the false-mare as Theory stared at him with disbelieving eyes.
“At least they follow orders and don’t go sleazing around bars in their free time, unlike you little miss. I personally think that the braniacs went a bit over the top with your personality program.” Quicksilver scolded prompting the Mare to snort in amusement at his statement.
“As if you don’t misuse your temporary body to seduce the locals, I remember that one Pegasus mare-“
“What’s going on!?” Theory wailed, the situation incredibly distressing to the normally collected stallion. In less than half-an-hour he had discovered that he was the target of an attack by mechanical pony look-alikes and his trusted assistant appeared to be leading the monstrosities. Quicksilver looked down at the still-disabled pony, a look of genuine pity covering his face as he stood next to his former boss.
“It was a shame you had to get involved in this Theory; despite what your creation was used for I believe that you are a good and decent being.” Theory stared back at Quicksilver, the older stallion unable to grasp why his assistant and friend would betray him so.
“Why?” was all he asked, Quicksilver sighing as he sat down before the stallion.
“As you probably have already figured out, I and my subordinates are not of equine origin. I assume Unit-One already told you about herself?” The scientist found he was able to move his head slightly, giving a hesitant nod. Quicksilver lost his solemn look, a small smile spreading across his features. “What if I told you that I am human, or rather a very close approximation to one?”
“That’s not possible,” Theory answered, “the barrier and potion freed all of the humans.”
“On this planet maybe,” Quicksilver replied, “or at least the ones that were not inhabiting a constructed body already in your country before good ol’ Celly decided that she wanted more land,” Quicksilver flexed a forearm as he eyed his elbow, “and I have to say that the Biological Engineering team did a great job as well.” Seeing that Theory did still not understand what he was getting at, Quicksilver decided to elaborate.
“It’s like this. The Empire that I serve, the United Imperium of Planets, is always expanding and needing more liveable land. Normally we would just pop over to a neighbouring galaxy and just conquer it but we eventually ran out of galaxies. About three-hundred years ago a great scientist thought of a way to breach alternate universes, so naturally we leapt at the chance to form a multi-universal empire. Looks great on your resume,” Quicksilver joked as Unit-One lay down like a filly listening to an elderly relative’s bed-time story.
“We’re running out of time so I’ll get a move on,” the alien unicorn continued, “to cut a long story short we found your humble planet and inserted multiple cells of Intelligence agents across all of the major civilisations, myself getting lumped in with the new artificial agents that share this room with us for testing.” Unit-One stuck her red tongue out at Quicksilver, the unicorn giving her an un-amused look before facing Theory again.
“Needless to say it’s been interesting but not as interesting as suddenly having the country you’re in teleport to another universe, only for the local equine inhabitants start to convert the local humans into ponies that act like naïve children while singing praise to Celestia.” Theory looked down at the ground, guilt once again rising up because of his role in the conversions, guilt that did not go unnoticed by Quicksilver.
“You aren’t the only Equestrian that has doubts you know, even Princess Luna and her Nocturne Guards have been imprisoned after the dear Luna attempted to sway her sister. One has to wonder what caused such a mood change in the normally gentle Celestia, no?”
“I didn’t notice anything at all,” Theory lied, knowing full well that the actions of the Princess had seemed incredibly out-of-character, an observation shared by many of the civilian population. Quicksilver gave him a knowing-look,
“I know you noticed it and I must say I was surprised by her sudden urge to ‘purify’ the inhabitants of this particular universe. For once we weren’t the ones that caused all of the trouble,” Quicksilver finished with a chuckle.
“Commander,” the pair were interrupted by the monotone voice of one of the mechanical stallions, “time until commencement of next phase is almost here, recommendation is to finalise conversation with local sapient equine before contacting High Command.”
“Yes, yes Unit-Three,” Quicksilver dismissed with a hoof as he stood up on all fours, Unit-One rising up alongside him. “I assure you that I will endeavour to educate you more about our history once all of this is over, for now I have other matters to attend to.” Theory watched on as Quicksilver turned towards the open door leading to the kitchen from where he had entered from, “Shroud!” the alien called out, hoofsteps growing louder as something approached the room.
A Pegasus stallion with an ice-blue coat hesitantly entered the lab, Unit-One bounding over towards the skittish pony. “Yay, Nigel brought me a friend!” the monster-mare squealed as she ruffled the new-comer’s teal mane, the Pegasus yelping in fright. Theory was curious about the Pegasus but what he wanted to know was who this ‘Nigel’ was, maybe that was Quicksilver’s real name?
“Leave him alone Unit-One, Shroud you can drop the disguise now.”
The Pegasus watched as Unit-One backed off, the stallion eyeing the grinning creature warily. A flash of green flame covered his body, fading away to reveal a changeling drone standing in his place. Theory was surprised that a changeling was here, it was thought that the creatures had died out after the failed attack on Canterlot.
“Units, meet Shroud, Shroud meet the Units. Don’t worry about any detailed introductions; except for Unit-One all of them can only fake emotions and feelings. As for Unit-One, well…”
“Oh! I can transform as well!” the bubbly killing-machine shared with the nervous changeling, Shroud’s insect-like wings buzzing in fright as Unit-One’s face re-arranged to form nothing but a snarling mouth filled with gigantic fangs.
“Unit-One, no,” Quicksilver ordered, the fang-filled maw returning to the shape of the young mare. Her constant grim seemed a lot less welcoming now. The changeling shared this opinion, the hole-riddled creature striding over to stand beside Quicksilver as he tried to avoid making eye-contact with Unit-One. The mare seemed not to mind however, her ears raised and her eyes focused on the main lab doors.
“More friends are coming!” She squealed happily, skipping towards the main doors as they were thrown open and two Royal Guard unicorns held their spears out in shock as they observed the trashed laboratory, the drugged scientist, the multiple earth ponies, the rapidly approaching mare and lastly the changeling staring at them wide-eyed.
“Changeling!” one shouted as it pointed towards Shroud, the changeling attempting to hide behind Quicksilver. The alien waved a hoof causally, Unit-One having almost reached the two unlucky guards.
“Unit-One,” he stated calmly as the unicorns focused on the approaching blue mare, “kill them.”
“Yay!” the machine replied as she leaped atop one of the unicorns, the surprised stallion attempting to fend the mare off with his spear while his comrade stared at the spectacle. Unit-One’s right foreleg glowed blue, yet another thin needle appearing from a slot. “This one is my favourite!” she declared, stabbing the unicorn in the neck, bypassing his armour.
The Unicorn stopped fighting back immediately as he began to convulse, the other guard, Theory and the changeling looking on in horror as the injected guard’s eyes rolled around their sockets before the unicorn collapsed like a sack of mush. Unit-One poked the body with her normal leg as the corpse jiggled causing the mare to giggle as the other guard stood frozen in terror.
“All your organs are dissolved! There’s not mush left, he he he!” she sang in a sing-song voice before she faced the other guard. “Your turnnnn!” she sung, the armoured stallion turning around and fleeing out of the door. Unit-One leaped after him in a way that was not natural, a panicked cry sounding before it was silenced by a wet squelch. Unit-One’s joyful laughter was accompanied by the sound of tearing flesh, both soon being over-ridden by the whine of a power saw.
“Well at least that should pre-occupy her for a while,” Quicksilver commented, giving the terrified changeling a comforting pat on the back. “Forget about her Shroud, she won’t hurt you unless I tell her too. Now let’s get you and Solid Theory acquainted with my direct superior.”
Both changeling and dazed unicorn observed as the alien nodded towards the artificial mare standing silently next to the two stallions. One of the mare’s eyes detached, the now one-eyed mare setting it down on the ground facing upwards. A bright assortment of colours shone out from the eye, combining to form a glowing rectangle that floated in the air.
Theory and Shroud watched in amazement as lines of foreign text that looked like the human ‘English’ coved the rectangle before multiple sections flashed blue. The text was replaced by the symbol of a skull superimposed upon a winged shield, a large third eye on the human skull’s forehead.
This faded away to reveal a middle-aged dark-skinned human wearing a deep blue military uniform un-adorned of any medals or insignia. He possessed pitch-black hair and green eyes which were currently narrowed as he peered out at the gathered group. The human’s stern expression was replaced by an amused smile as he gazed down upon Quicksilver.
“Well, I must say that you look quite adorable Chalmers, I might just get you to stay in that body until my great-granddaughter’s birthday party.” Theory was surprised at the revelation that the human had a great-granddaughter; thanks to the scientist’s knowledge of humans he guessed that the black human looked to be only forty to fifty years of age. Was it possible that this ‘Universal Imperium of Planets’ was so advanced that they were able to stave off old-age? Theory glanced towards the main doors, content hums of merriment accompanied by the sound of sawing seemingly timed like a musical number floated in through the doorway. He shuddered, considering what lay beyond those doors it was entirely possible.
“Jeez, haven’t heard that since I was put in here,” the alien that Theory assumed was named Nigel Chalmers, if human names were anything to go by, scoffed. “I’m willing to bet that Orthodox has already tried to draw penises on my face with permanent marker while I’m out, again.” The human on the screen let out booming laughter as he wiped a tear from his eye.
“Don’t worry; we managed to catch him just in time with a bucket filled with paint. You got lucky this time.” Nigel grunted in agreement, the human officer looking at Theory and Shroud with interest.
“I’m going to assume that the unicorn is Solid Theory, your assigned target but may I ask just who is the black-bug equine?” Nigel nudged the changeling in the ribs, the nervous creature bowing before the human officer which caused the floating human to raise an eyebrow.
“I-I am Shroud, Sir. I’m known as a changeling and Commander Chalmers offered me a chance to plead for the UIP’s assistance.” The changeling finished his speech by looking up the floating screen with pleading blue eyes, the human examining the small equine. He finished his observations, focusing back on Chalmers.
“What do you know about these creatures, Commander?”
“These changelings appear to be persecuted by the Equestrians, Lord Commander. They feed off of positive emotion, the most potent being love and to achieve this they are able to mimic the form of other similar sized creatures. After a failed attack led by a queen on the Equestrian Capitol three months before the commencement of our operations in an attempt to acquire this love forcefully the surviving remnants were forced into hiding or hunted down. So far our squad as well as Zulu and Charlie teams have located and approached several isolated groups, the total numbering one-hundred-and-eighty-nine. We have gathered them all and they are willing to join the Empire in return for shelter, protection and food.” The Lord Commander stared at the hopeful changeling in thought, rubbing his chin with a hand.
“We may have to find an alternate solution to the issue of food,” the human said as he nodded at Shroud, “but while we look for one I have no issue with the integration of these ‘changelings’ as long as they pass all of the required tests and exams. In the meantime ensure their safety until the fleet arrives, they are scheduled to enter the system in about five minutes.”
“Thankyou Lord!” the changeling praised as he once again bowed, the Lord Commander holding up a hand.
“While I appreciate the respect bowing is not needed, save that for the higher-ups.” Shroud ceased his postulating, standing back up far more confidently then before.
“What do you mean by fleet?” Theory asked, wondering just how the humans planned to sail boats to Equestria.
“Why, the invasion fleet of spacecraft of course,” the Lord Commander answered, grinning at the look of disbelief on the unicorn scientist’s face, “if your Princess refuses to surrender to our demands then we will respond with force. It’s funny really; the humans that were on this planet were apparently a post-industrial society were the biggest threat in this galaxy. Before you ponies converted them to those mindless children of course. Something that was mostly achieved due to the work of that conversion potion of yours.”
“I really didn’t know just how far the Princess would go!” Theory choked out, fearing the retaliation of the human for his role in the conversions.
“Settle down, we’ve conducted genocides of our own for centuries so I’m not going to have Nigel disembowel you just for that.” Theory looked at his former assistant, the false-unicorn flashing him a grin. “We are however interested in your intellectual capability so you’re far more useful to us alive rather than dead.” The Lord Commander looked to the side as he said this, Unit-One walking into the room at the same time. The gore-covered mare giggled at as she looked towards Theory, excitement in her eyes.
“The fleet is here, it’s time for Theory-Weary to go on a wonderful trip!” she yelled happily, a section of her torso caving in as she reached a hoof into her body. The hoof emerged transformed into a three-pronged claw, the mare grasping a metal circle which she attached to Theory’s right foreleg. “This is so you don’t get lost, remember to call me anytime,” Unit-One murmured as she caressed the terrified unicorn’s head. The circle light up with blue lights, Nigel upon seeing this approached Theory.
“I hope that one day you’ll come to forgive me for my deception,” the grey unicorn said, “It was only business, nothing personal. You’ll be treated well and if you co-operate I hope to eventually stand with you once more as fellow citizens rather than enemies. I don’t know how much this will mean to you but we will try to keep civilian casualties low in the coming invasion, hell I hope that Celestia recognises just how out-matched she is and surrenders so we can avoid killing any more of you.” Nigel stepped back, Theory at a loss of what to say to the creature which he had known for months that had turned his world upside down in a day.
“Are you finished Chalmers?” The Lord Commander inquired, Nigel nodding his head in reply. “Fine then,” the human continued, “All of the other teams have reported successful missions, I’ll let the fleet know that all of the targets are ready for transport-”
“Wait!” Theory called out, causing the Lord Commander to pause. The unicorn scientist looked towards Nigel, still in the form of the pony named Quicksilver. “I have a Niece who lives in Canterlot, an orange-coated golden-haired unicorn called Bright Spark with a cutie mark of a set of fireworks. She’s the only family that I have left; can you find it in your heart to please make sure that she survives if you do invade?”
The unicorn that had stood by Theory in what was some of the most trying months of the scientist’s life nodded his head, no thought needed regarding the request. “I promise I will find her and protect her,” Chalmers answered, Theory relaxing as he prepared for whatever was going to happen.
“Goodbye, Quicksilver,” he whispered, his vision overcome as a bright blue glow flashed in his eyes, the scientist blacking out as the teleportation system activated. He was left with Chalmers’s reply as he faded off to sleep, seven words echoing in his mind as his consciousness faded away.
“See you on the other side, Friend.”
