The Infatuation Situation
“Hey everypony, look what ah got this mornin’!” Applejack exclaimed as she ran towards her five closest friends, who were in Sugarcube Corner eating cupcakes.
“What has happened now, Applejack?” Rarity asked with curiosity.
“You guys are never gonna guess what ah just received in the mail!” said Applejack.
“Diseases preserved in an airtight envelope?” asked Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville’s resident alicorn princess.
All of the ponies looked at Twilight with bewilderment in their eyes, and just stared with multiple looks of incredulity.
“Well it could happen!” Twilight yelled, crossing her hooves and pouted.
“I guess that could be close, but actually, Ah got Bloomberg back!” said Applejack.
“What?” Rarity replied, remembering the trouble they went through just to plant Applejack’s beloved tree in Appleoosa.
“Well, Braeburn said after we left, Bloomberg started to cause some problems in Appleloosa, so he sent him back in a crate,” Applejack happily proclaimed.
“Did he say what kind of problems?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“No, not really. But Ah am just so happy to have my Bloomberg back with me. You know he’s like a son to me,” Applejack stated.
“Well that’s so great for you Applejack, but what are you going to do with him?” Fluttershy asked in a polite whisper.
“I guess I’ll move him back into the barn for now, I used his old spot for other trees,” Applejack said.
~O~O~O~
Applejack rolled her little red wagon with Bloomberg in it back to Sweet Apple Acres. As she wheeled him across town back to her home, she passed by a familiar schoolteacher.
“Good morning Applejack,” Cheerilee greeted happily.
“Why, good morning to you too, Cheerilee,” Applejack responded in an equally happy manner.
“Why Applejack, what’s that you have there?” Cheerilee asked.
“Well, this is here is my tree, Bloomberg,” Applejack proudly stated.
“Well he’s looking really handsome today,” Cheerilee said almost seductively.
“Uhhh…thanks?” Applejack said reluctantly.
“No, thank you Applejack. And it was nice to meet you Bloomberg,” said Cheerilee.
As Applejack walked away, she looked back to see Cheerilee waving at her and Bloomberg. She was batting her eyelashes in a futile attempt to look provocative. She waved by moving the tip of her hoof up and down.
“Well that was weird” Applejack said to herself as she continued transporting Bloomberg to her home.
~O~O~O~
Applejack continued rolling Bloomberg home, brushing off the odd incident without another thought. Things in Ponyville were always a little weird, after all. After another ten minutes of pulling the young apple tree, she stopped by two ponies to greet them.
“Hello there Applejack, what’s that pretty thing you have there?” Lyra said happily.
“Why this is my tree Bloomberg, I just got it-”
“That’s nice Applejack, but you’re tree is so nice. See? Bon Bon likes it,” said Lyra cutting off Applejack in the middle of her sentence.
Applejack quickly turned around to see Bon Bon groping Bloomberg. She began fondling his thick bark, then lustfully inhaled the sweet aroma of the apple tree’s branches.
“What the hay are you doing?!” Applejack screamed.
“I’m sorry, but I just so infatuated with Bloomberg,” Bon Bon said
“Get away from him!” Applejack yelled as she began swinging her hooves at Bon Bon.
As Bon Bon slowly moved backwards, Lyra then quietly approached Bloomberg and then attempted to lick the tree. Her tongue entered deep into the crevices of the bark.
“GAAAAHHH! What in tarnation are you doin’ Lyra?!” Applejack yelled.
“Sorry, sorry. I just wanted to know what he tasted like. It also scratched my tongue, but it was totally worth it,” Lyra said apologetically.
“You know, can I have one of his apples?” Bon Bon asked in a polite, yet eerie manner.
“Ew no. Just stay away from him,” Applejack’s face contorted in disgust as Bon bon licked her lips. Applejack hastily trotted away from the two incredibly creepy ponies.
~O~O~O~
When she finally got back to her home, Applejack went to her barn and began digging a hole for Bloomberg to be planted in. When the hole was deep enough, she placed him in the center. She began filling up the pit again with fresh soil around the tree’s roots.
“There, nice and comfy,” Applejack patted Bloomberg’s base softly.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Knock knock. Applejack heard the knocks and went to answer the door. When she opened it, she saw two of her friends.
“Hi Applejack,” said Twilight as she walked in, followed by Fluttershy.
“Hey girls, what are you doing here? It’s almost dark,” Applejack greeted them.
“Well, we came to see why there’s crowd outside your home,” Fluttershy said.
“What crowd?” Applejack asked confusedly.
“The one outside your farm,” Twilight replied.
Applejack then motioned to Fluttershy and Twilight to move to the side. As they did, the farmer saw a very strange sight. She saw hundreds of ponies gathered outside the Sweet Apple Acres’ main entrance. In the front were Cheerilee, Lyra, and Bon Bon.
The crowd was chanting loudly “BLOOMBERG! BLOOMBERG! BLOOMBERG!” while simultaneously stomping their hooves on the ground.
“How come ah didn’t notice all of this?” Applejack asked.
“We were wondering about that too,” Twilight replied.
Applejack then trotted down to the crowd to talk to the purple colored schoolteacher at the front.
“Cheerilee, what are you and all these ponies doin’ here?”
“Well when we met earlier, Bloomberg seemed so nice, so I told everypony else and they also seemed to think so too. We all decided that we wanted to see him,” Cheerilee answered with a bright smile.
Twilight and Fluttershy opened the barn doors more to see what was happening, at that moment, the crowd could now see a glimpse of Bloomberg. Then the entire crowd stopped chanting and stomping. They all charged towards the barn to get a better view of the magnificent apple tree. The masses of eager ponies ran over Applejack to get closer to the barn.
“Oh no, what do we do Twilight!” Fluttershy said worryingly.
“Me? What do you mean me?” Twilight asked.
“You’re the princess here, now stop it!” Fluttershy yelled.
Twilight panicked and looked around for a solution. She came up with the first idea to pop into her mind. With a flash of her horn, she created a magical force field around the barn. The ponies kept charging at the magical barrier until they collided with it. Many were hurt doing so, but not badly enough to require medical assistance. They got angry at the barrier between them and their target.
“Everypony listen up! None of you have the right to be here!” Twilight declared with the closest she had ever gotten to the Royal Canterlot Voice.
A random pony walked up face to face with Twilight and simply said, “Of course we have the right to, what right do you have to take away our love?”
“Yer what?” Applejack questioned as she lifted herself off the ground. She quickly trotted to the barn, managing to get past the crowd.
“That’s right, we love Bloomberg and you’ve got to accept that. Now let us have him at once!”
“Uhh, Twilight?” asked Applejack
“Yeah?”
“Can ya make this here force field semipermeable so ah can enter?”
“You know what semipermeable means?”
“Ah’m not stupid.”
“Okay then.”
Twilight then proceeded to semi permeate the force field , Applejack then ran through the barrier. Applejack stood there and quietly said, “How did this happen to you Bloomberg?”
~O~O~O~
“Twilight, they’ve been out there for three days, what are we going to do?” Applejack said dumbfounded.
“I don’t know! How are they even getting food anyways?” Twilight asked with exasperation in her voice.
“From the apple trees. From this apple farm. So what’re we gonna do?” Applejack said with a deadpan voice, followed by an earnest question.
“We sent Fluttershy to tell Spike to send for help, and it should arrive… right… about… now-”
“Hello Twilight,” Princess Celestia said as she teleported into the barn, “What seems to be the problem?”
“Everypony in Ponyville seems to be in love with Applejack’s tree, Bloomberg.” Twilight replied with hope.
“Okay then, I will investigate the magical properties exuded by this tree. Can you and Applejack step out to check on the crowd while I do so?” Celestia said as she walked towards Bloomberg, her face showing little emotion.
“Sure Celestia!” Twilight said as she and Applejack walked outside and closed the barn doors.
Outside, the crowd has increased threefold, the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres was filled with campfires, tents, and ponies chopping down apple trees to make more room. The Everfree forest was also being cut down for more space. At the rate it was being torn down, it would have been completely leveled by the end of the week.
“This is bad. This is very bad,” Applejack said as she saw the masses in horror, “We should go back inside before they see us.”
“Good idea,” Twilight said as the two of them slowly walked backwards into the barn.
They turned around, only to find Celestia’s horseshoes and crown lying on the ground. They looked up to see Celestia thoroughly groping Bloomberg. Then Celestia finally noticed the two and covered herself with her fore legs, attempting to hide the shame, “OH GOSH! Don’t look at me! I’m weak! I’m weak and foolish! He was too powerful!”
Then Celestia turned back towards the tree, making bedroom eyes at Bloomberg, “Oh you like, don’t you Bloomberg? You like me being weak and foolish?”
Twilight and Applejack just stared at her, with their mouths gaping open. Celestia turned back towards them and yelled, “Oh Gosh! Stop looking at me! Stop looking at ME-he-heee…”
Celestia broke down crying, her tears making a large puddle on the floor, then she moved her head slowly at Bloomberg, “Ye-hes, you-hoo, l-like th-that d-don’t you? Y-y-you like me crying don’t you? You love my tears don’t you?”
She slowly moved her down towards the trunk of the tree, her tears flowing into the ground, watering the tree with her salty tears (which is actually bad for fruit trees). Celestia ran off crying, teleporting away in shame and tears.
“Yep, I knew that was going to happen,” Princess Luna calmly said. She slowly walked to Bloomberg, “You two go outside to make sure everything is okay,”
“Princess Luna!? What are you doing here? What the- When did you get here?” Twilight bluttered out.
“I have been here for some time now, and it seems my sister has fallen under the tree’s spell. Do not worry, I will fix this, just go outside and make sure nopony saw Celestia do that,” Luna replied cooly.
“Okay Luna, I think we’ll go do that,” Twilight said. Applejack and Twilight walked outside and closed the door again, walking up to the edge of the forcefield. At the edge they saw Filthy Rich, who was knocking on the forcefield politely.
“Howdy there Filthy, whatcha doin’ here?” Applejack greeted calmly, despite the situation.
“Please, call me Rich. Anyways, you know how we’re in business together, as partners…” Filthy Rich started.
“Yeah, what about it?” Applejack asked.
“Well, I’d like to make a business proposal with you. How about I give you one thousand bits for that magnificent tree of yours,” Filthy proposed.
“One thousand bits!?!? Uh, ah’m sorry Rich, but ah’m not selling Bloomberg, even fer a thousand-”
“WAIT! I’ll buy him for ten thousand bits!” a white unicorn ran in and yelled.
“Fancypants? What’re you doin’ here?” Twilight asked. Seeing this pony outside of Canterlot was like seeing Princess Celestia grope a tree seductively-Oh wait, that happened.
“Well, I came here all the way from Canterlot to see him, and I am impressed. I would like to procure him for ten thousand. Would you like to take up my offer?”
“Well, ah would like ya to be happy, but like ah said ta Filth Rich-”
“Now just wait a minute! I’ll buy him for one hundred thousand bits!” Filthy Rich yelled.
Applejack and Twilight’s ears perked up at the number, “One hundred thou-!”
“No! I shall pay one hundred thousand bits and golden chariot!”
“One hundred thousand bits and a blimp!”
“Five hundred thousand and a zeppelin!”
“Eight hundred thousand, two trains, a blimp, and a tiara made of diamonds!”
“One. Million. Bits. Four zeppelins, a train, and a seat on the Canterlot Regency Council!”
“You can’t give Applejack political power! That’s corruption!” Filthy Rich cried out.
“Well my money says otherwise, I can change the definition of ‘corruption’ if I wanted to!” Fancypants screamed hysterically, “I can change your name if I wanted to!”
Filthy Rich stared directly at Fancypants, his voice taking a serious tone, “You. Me. Airship battle. NOW.”
“You’re on,” Fancypants accepted the challenge. The two tycoons ran off in opposite directions, readying their aircraft.
Applejack and Twilight decided to just go back into the barn and check up on Luna. Inside the barn, they saw a second set of discarded regalia littered across the ground.
“Yes, Bloomberg! Take me now! Take me to Appleland! I am yours, and you are mine. We are one body and-” Luna abruptly saw Twilight and Applejack, covering herself in shame, yet showing no regret, “OH GOSH! Don’t look at me! I’m weak, I’m weaker than my sister! I was so foolish! Oh yeah, you like that don’t you Bloomberg? Aw yeah...”
Luna proceeded to lick an apple stem connecting the fruit to the branches. Applejack and Twilight just there staring in horror at the unspeakable horrors they were witnessing. They were disgusted, but they just couldn’t look away.
“Oh gosh, stop looking! Stop it!” Luna ran and teleported away in tears, leaving behind her horseshoes and crown. Applejack and Twilight looked at each other, and Twilight easily summed up the last fifteen minutes in one simple phrase.
“What the hell…?”
~O~O~O~
Half an hour later, Applejack stood up from her sleeping position after hearing a loud hum come from the outside, “Twilight, ya hear that?”
“I guess, you want to check it out or should I?”
“Let’s both go, it’s not like another Princess is gonna come in and start touchin’ Bloomberg,” Applejack said with hopeful optimism.
When they got outside, they see two large airships floating high in the air, facing each other. The closer one was gigantic, made of a metal skeleton, with huge propellers and cannons mounted on its side. The second airship was smaller, but was strangely equipped with more weapons.
“Ha, mine’s bigger!” Fancypants yelled.
“Well does yours have an anti-zeppelin cannon on it?” Filthy Rich yelled.
“Pffft, do you have an armada of zeppelins?!” suddenly after Fancypants yelled that, a triangle formatted armada of zeppelins appeared behind him.
“Do you have a fleet of dirigibles?” Filthy Rich replied. Then suddenly there were twice as many dirigibles behind him, compared to Fancypants’ zeppelins.
Both sides started to shoot at each other, some of the aircraft started to fall, damaged by the destructive forces coming from the other side. Many airships crashed down onto Sweet Apple Acres. Luckily for everypony, airships crash slowly, allowing all the crazy ponies to avoid the crash landings.
As each airship fell, the crews escaped using parachutes and escape hatches. The carnage brought down from the skies left the apple orchard in ruins, as ponies trampled over everything trying to run away from the impacts.
Applejack and Twilight simply looked around as the entire farm laid in ruins, all life decimated by the battle from above.
“You seem to have a big problem here.”
Twilight and Applejack looked behind them to see Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, both with impassive expressions on their faces.
“Cadence? Shiny? What are you two doing here?” Twilight asked.
“We heard what happened with Celestia and Luna, so we decided to come and help,” Shining replied, “If you could give us some time to study Bloom-”
“Wait a sec, how are we sure that you two won’t fall in love him?” Applejack queried skeptically.
“Don’t worry Applejack, I am the Princess of Love, and married to Shining. There is no way Bloomberg’s infatuation wave could affect us. We are too deeply in love with each other,” Cadence declared boastfully.
“Well okay! Applejack, let’s go outside and see more blimps crash,” Twilight motioned to Applejack as the two of them left the barn for the third time.
Once they reached out the door, they felt the ground shake.
Thump. Thump. THUMP.
They looked up to see an enormous robotic pony. It was a hundred feet tall, chrome plated, and shined in the light. It resembled an earth pony, and towered over everything in Ponyville. It bore a large “C” on its front. Its eyes glowed red as its hinges released steam and whirred its gears.
“I LOVE BLOOMBERG THE MOST! HE SHALL BE MINE!” The robot shouted in Cheerilee’s voice, “MY NAME IS CHEERILEE, AND WITH CHEERIBOT, I CLAIM HIM!”
“NOT SO FAST, EVILDOER!”
Suddenly, a massive mechanical minotaur appeared suddenly from the sky with rockets blasting from its hooves. It had fists made of steel, was riveted across its entire body, and made out of a dull steel and iron alloy. It sported a steam engine in the back, with exhaust coming out of its snout. Two gold plated horns jutted out of its head.
“WE ARE IRON MECHA WILL, AND WE CHALLENGE THEE FOR BLOOMBERG’S LOVE!” the voice came from the head of the robot minotaur, “WE, LYRA AND BON BON, WILL FIGHT FOR OUR LOVE!”
“This is not good,” Twilight stated. Applejack silently nodded in agreement.
“I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE!” Cheerilee declared, and pressed a big red button. Cheeribot’s inner mechanisms turned violently, to reveal a pair of jet propelled chrome wings, under each was a large gatling gun. An enormous electrical unicorn horn appeared as well, “I WARN YOU HOWEVER, MY MECHA IS POWERED ON MY LOVE FOR BLOOMBERG! IT HAS NO LIMITS!”
“OH YEAH?” Iron Mecha Will’s right arm became a chainsaw, its left arm became a flamethrower, and its massive iron pecs rearranged to reveal an array of missiles.
The two mechas charged at each other, Cheeribot shot a spray of bullets at Iron Mecha Will, denting its frame. Mecha Will’s chainsaw slashed through one of Cheeribot’s wings. It retaliated by shooting lightning out of its horn, paralyzing Mecha Will’s right arm.
Iron Mecha Will melted Cheeribot’s mane with its flamethrower, severely damaging the internal circuitry. Cheeribot opens its mouth to show a hose, out of which highly pressured acid shoots out, splashing all over Mecha Will’s abdomen, corroding all the metal around it.
Iron Mecha Will jerked backwards, as its legs began to crumple. Lyra and Bon Bon were fearful of their future without Bloomberg, and decided to launch all their missiles at the same time. Cheerilee saw the weapons firing at her, began panicking and yelled, “BUBBLE OF LOVE!”
Cheeribot was instantly protected by a red force field, the onslaught of swarming missiles exploding across the surface of the shield. Cheerilee smirked as she raised her voice again, “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?”
“YOU ARE A FORMIDABLE FOE, BUT NOT FOR LONG. ACTIVATE PLASMA CANNON!” Iron Mecha Will straightened its stance, as its horns started lighting up. A deep humming sound came from the robot.
Cheerilee got anxious as she stared at the still robot. She yelled again, “NOTHING CAN GET PAST MY LOVE BUBBLE! YOUR FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO ATTACK WILL PROVE USELESS!”
“WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT!” Lyra cried out as a ball of pure energy started to form between Iron Mecha Will’s dual horns. The ball increased in size, until it was as large as Cheeribot’s head.
“I think we should go back inside, Twi,” Applejack whispered feebly.
“Agreed,” Twilight replied. The two mares quickly trotted back inside the barn. As they closed the door, they heard a deafening roar, followed by an earth shattering explosion. The two mares fell to the ground as the entire foundation of the barn shook.
Applejack and Twilight turned around to, once again, see ornamental regalia strewn across the ground, their owners draped across the offending woody plant.
Cadence was nibbling on Bloomberg’s apples, barely scratching it. She seemed to be taking great pleasure from the experience. On the other side of the tree, Shining Armor was rubbing the branches across his body, making soft groaning noises.
Twilight screamed with such horror from the sight, that the foundation of the barn shook again, this time even more violently than before, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HAY IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?!”
“We’re sorry Twilight, we’re just so weak and foolish and he’s just so-”
“DON’T SPEW THAT CRAP AT AT ME! I THOUGHT YOU TWO LOVED EACH OTHER! THIS IS JUST WRONG!!” Twilight’s nostrils flared as her horn began glowing.
“We’re sorry Twilight, but we think he’ll make a great addition to our marriage,” Cadence said quietly.
Twilight calmed down slightly, her face still contorted in anger, but able to regain some rational thoughts, “Get out. Get out now.”
“But Twily-” Shining Armor started, until Twilight forcibly teleported the royal couple away.
Twilight sat down, massaging her head with her forehooves, an expression of anger, sadness, and irritation on her face. Applejack walked up to her, and asked, “What are we gonna do now, Twi?”
“I don’t know.”
Author's Note
I regret nothing.
