The Conversion Bureau: Game Over
Game Over, Man! Game Over!
Game Over, Man! Game Over!
Humanity never really stood a chance once The Barrier started expanding.
The Barrier around Equestria, that tiny little island filled with ponies and rainbows and magic which appeared in the South Pacific sometime in the early 2020s, had stood ever since Princess Celestia announced her decision to protect her nation from the “violent, barbaric humans” by any means necessary. A force of pure magic tuned for one thing: to atomize any and all humans and human-made materials that tried to cross it. This fact was proven by the flight of American F-18s which simply snapped from existence the moment they crossed into Equestrian airspace. One moment, some of the most advanced equipment on Earth is flying over the Pacific, the next, they’re gone without a trace.
At first, there were a few complaints from the UN about this decision, but not possessing any magic to counter The Barrier, there wasn’t a whole lot they could do except enforce a few trade embargoes on the still non-existent relations Equestria might have with the nations of man. After that, things settled down, at least until the first Conversion Bureau opened its doors at the Equestrian Embassy in Tokyo. For absolutely no fee whatsoever, a human could just walk right into a Bureau and be transformed into a pony by mid-afternoon, free to traverse The Barrier as they pleased. Sure, there was the mild side-effect that the resulting “Newfoal,” as they were called, had no memory of their past human life, and didn’t seem able to engage in any conversation more strenuous than “All Hail Princess Celestia,” or “Have you heard the good news of Celestia’s cleansing charms,” but to the ponies, this seemed a small price to pay to be saved from the corruption of man.
After the Tokyo Bureau saw some success with the homeless and disaffected of Japan, the ponies wasted no time setting up similar structures at their consulates and embassies all over the world. Soon, humans came streaming in, some simply dissatisfied with their lives, others looking for a new beginning, all accepting the fact that once they walked out of these places, they would no longer be themselves. At the time, the only outcry came from extremist groups like the Human Liberation Front, decrying those walking willingly into the Bureaus as “Species-Traitors,” while warning about the dangers posed by conversion. For the most part, however, humanity remained quiet. The only ones entering the Bureaus then were the disaffected and depressed, after all. If Equestria wanted humanity’s garbage, why not let them have it?
Then The Barrier started expanding. Nobody was really sure why, maybe the numbers of humans willingly transforming were too small or coming too slowly for Celestia’s tastes. Before anyone knew what was happening, Fiji, Tonga, and the American Samoa joined those F-18s in the same oblivion, wiped clean of all traces of humanity. Once again, the outcry sounded throughout the UN, ambassadors and leaders worldwide blasting Equestria’s actions, and all the while Celestia’s visage just kept appearing on news networks the world over, assuring humans that the best thing for them would be to convert and save themselves from the corruption surrounding them. Much to her surprise, the dwindling flow of humans into the Bureaus suddenly pinched itself off to a nearly non-existent trickle. Humanity, as it turned out, did not enjoy being told what to do, especially by a talking, cartoon, pony princess.
The UN’s war with Equestria was as pointless as one who knows of The Barrier’s power would think it would be. Every jet, missile, or bullet that tried to cross into Equestria simply disappeared from existence, and in the meantime the rest of the Pacific Islands were wiped out, followed by Australia, New Zealand, the Philippines, and Japan. Millions of humans, snuffed out with less effort than it took the Princess to heat up her breakfast in the morning.
As The Barrier started slowly and steadily chewing through the Asian mainland and the Hawaiian Islands, the humans started flocking towards the groups once considered to be for “extremist nutjobs.” Conversion Bureaus all over the Earth saw near-daily attacks, mostly suicide bombings, as the humans tried desperately to make a final stand. In the end, it was a futile gesture: The Barrier just kept swallowing city after city, nation after nation consumed, until finally only the United States remained. By then, the remaining Bureaus were just a flaming ruin, for all the good it did. The Barrier swallowed the once-great nation just like all the others, not even slowing against the onslaught of missiles, nuclear warheads, and bio-hazardous materials the Americans had been saving for this one, final stand.
As the hordes of Newfoals besieged her cities and The Barrier erased all traces of her humanity, America could only watch from the last pocket free of Equestrian influence on Earth: the nation’s capital. It was obvious why Celestia had spared this city. She wanted to rub her victory in the faces of the world’s leaders, now huddled together in the White House, hopelessly wracking their brains for something, anything, with which to save themselves.
It was only after the last pockets of humanity clinging to existence in the vacant plains of the Midwest disappeared that Celestia finally graced these men and women with her presence, alighting on the steps of the White House with all the grace and poise expected of her. The few remaining members of humanity’s armed forces fought bravely, if hopelessly, against her, but in the end the ammo simply ran out.
“Having fun?” The Princess asked with a smart little smirk at the men surrounding her, watching them fumble with empty magazines and spent ammo casings.
“Enough!” A voice cried out, and all eyes turned to its source. The President of the United States stood at the top of the White House stairs, flanked by the world’s remaining leaders: The Russian President, the Chinese Premier, the German Chancellor, the British and Canadian Prime Ministers, along with a whole assortment of random leaders from all over the former Earth, all those who had not chosen to simply perish with their respective countries.
“Finally,” Celestia smiled, her wings quivering. “Finally, you say ‘enough’. And how many of your people had to perish before you realized enough was enough?”
“Perished at your hooves, you evil bitch!” The Russian President bellowed accusingly, making like he was about to run up to the Princess and start wailing on her with his own fists, only to be held back by the Paraguayan President and Indian Prime Minister.
“The choice was always theirs,” she replied, shrugging nonchalantly. “If they had just converted, they could have saved themselves.”
“MURDEROUS WHORE!” The Russian screamed.
“Huh-how?” The French President gasped, sinking to her knees. “You’re supposed to be this caring being of benevolence and light. How can you be so cruel?”
“Allowing them to continue existence on this wretched planet was the only cruelty exercised here,” she said icily. “Of course I would have loved to see them converted, but otherwise…”
“Okay, that’s enough,” the American President barked, interrupting the Princess. “We’ve heard this bullshit before, and I for one am tired of it.”
“And I am tired of your species’ futile attempts at resistance,” she took a few regal steps forward, smiling as the remaining soldiers leveled their empty, useless weapons on her. “I thought you said it was time to end it.”
Scowling, the President descended the steps. His suit was in tatters, obviously having been worn for much longer than it was meant to. His tie was ragged, and his black leather shoes scuffed, but he still carried himself with the dignity of a nation’s leader. Celestia watched him, her eyes betraying no emotion as he walked up to her and glared right into them. The remaining world leaders copied his dignity and air of power, a scant few sinking to their knees and sobbing for what was lost.
After a few moments, the President spoke, his voice carried by the knowledge that they would be his last words as Leader of the Free World. “I, Coqballs Swallowmore of the United States of America, Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces, Executive Officer of the United States Government, and de facto leader of the United Nations General Assembly, hereby surrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn-ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren- ren-“
Ping!
WARNING! THE FILE tcb.exe HAS ENCOUNTERED A FATAL ERROR AND HAD TO CLOSE. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INCONVENIENCE. FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR. TO SEND AN ERROR REPORT, PLEASE CLICK…
--------OnceYaGoBarack has entered the chat room---------
--------Molestya has entered the chat room---------
--------HailToTheVeep has entered the chat room---------
--------LuLu_6969 has entered the chat room---------
HailToTheVeep: GODDAMMIT!
OnceYaGoBarack: WOOT! Saved by the error!
LuLu_6969: Aww no fair! We had you!
Molestya: Looks like it’s a draw
HailToTheVeep: Bullshit! We were about to pwnz j00r asses!!!!11!!
Molestya: I just don’t know what went wrong…
LuLu_6969: Um, you were playin like a noob maybe?
HailToTheVeep: Yeah Tia. U cant just keep spammin suicide bomberz & hope for the best
OnceYaGoBarack: I’m afraid I must agree with my Vice here, Princess.
Molestya: You’re on their side!? TRAITOR!
OnceYaGoBarack: Suicide bomber spamming works for the early game, but later on u hafta invest in anti-barrier technology, or you wind up pwned. I just started playin and even I knew that.
LuLu_6969: Yeah Tia even a noob like the prez knew that!
Molestya: Look, the graphics generator on this thing is really good! I saw that big, glowy barrier coming my way and panicked!
HailToTheVeep: Shoot Tia yo mama didnt have any probs with somethin big cummin her way last night
Molestya: !!!!!!
OnceYaGoBarack: !!!!!!!
LuLu_6969: BURN!!!
Molestya: Luna!!! You’re my sister!!!! We have the same mother!!!!!1!!
LuLu_6969: Dont mean I cant compliment a good burn when I hear one
OnceYaGoBarack: Look, y don’t we switch the teams up for next time? Me with Luna and Biden with Tia?
HailToTheVeep: u r only givin me the noob cuz Im white…
LuLu_6969: Or we could try sisters vs. humans again
HailToTheVeep: Naw that got boring. Im okay with workin with the noob
Molestya: The “noob” has a name, you know!
OnceYaGoBarack: Sounds gud but next time lets use a diff server, aight? This one was super laggy, and Im pretty sure thats y we got that fukin error at the end
HailToTheVeep: dont go blamin the lag for ur shitty gaming lol
OnceYaGoBarack: I wasn’t blaming the damn lag! Just sayin, this server sux
HailToTheVeep: yeh it sux almost as hard as UR MOM!!!!111!!!!!!1!!!!
LuLu_6969: BURN!!!
OnceYaGoBarack: Ok, ya know wut? Im tired and I gotta meet with the Saudis tomorrow. peace out niggaz
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LuLu_6969: u think we were a lil hard on him?
HailToTheVeep: Naww he always gets kinda bitchy when he has to talk to the Ay-rabs. Couple hours w/michelle & hell be fine
Molestya: I shall look into finding another server for our games. There has to be something less buggy out there.
HailToTheVeep: thnx tia, u do that. C u next week!
--------HailToTheVeep has left the chat room---------
LuLu_6969: God, Biden can be such a troll!!
Molestya: don’t blame him, sister. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Or…strange, super-smooth suit, in their case.
LuLu_6969: Yea, I guess. Well goodnite sister: I should lower the moon soon anywayz.
--------LuLu_6969 has left the chat room---------
Molestya: Good night, dear sister.
--------Molestya has left the chat room--------
--------Fire_and_Brimstone has entered the chat room---------
Fire_and_Brimstone: Wazzup, biznitches!? Da Papacy in da hizz-ouse! Whoz ready to fuk up some pones!?
Fire_and_Brimstone: ….
Fire_and_Brimstone: Guys?
Fire_and_Brimstone: ….
Fire_and_Brimstone: Hello?
Fire_and_Brimstone: Aw shit, got the fukin times mixed up again, didnt I?
Fire_and_Brimstone: God Damn it.
Fire_and_Brimstone: ah well Frankie, theres always next week.
--------Fire_and_Brimstone has left the chat room---------
Author's Note
…make a wildly popular MMO about it :)
Like this if you started reading this story, scrolled down here to find the ending, realized you were missing a ton of context, and scrolled back up to read the story properly.
And just so you know:
Lulu_6969: Princess Luna
Molestya: Princess Celestia
OnceYaGoBarack: President Barack Obama
HailToTheVeep: Vice-President Joe Biden
Fire_and_Brimstone: Pope Francis
And now you know why the world’s so effed-up. Because our leaders are serious gamers.