Sweetie Belle sat on the playground by her lonesome. Both Apple Bloom and Scootaloo had come down sick and weren’t in school that day, leaving her to deal with Caps Lock alone. She knew it was best to ignore him, but there was only so much she could take. He’d followed her everywhere she'd gone on the playground, never growing bored.
“Hey. Hey. HEY. Heeeeeeeeeeey.”
“Go away, Caps Lock,” Sweetie muttered for the hundredth time. The white earth pony colt simply grinned and persisted harder.
“I heard your friends were sick,” Caps Lock said with fake sympathy. He trotted along side Sweetie Belle, but she kept her eyes forward. “In no way did I have anything to do with that.”
Sweetie Belle stopped and glared at Caps Lock. “What did you do?” she asked, taking a few steps toward him. Caps reached into his school bag which bore the same symbol as his cutie mark (a stemless four leaf clover) and removed a small, black notebook.
“Yesterday was what, Tuesday?” he asked, flipping through the pages. “Ah yes, here it is. Second recess: Eye-drops into blank-flanks’ apple juice.”
Sweetie Belle angrily shoved Caps Lock, but all he did was laugh.
“Wait a second,” Caps Lock stopped to think, “Why didn’t you get sick?”
“Because Diamond Tiara took my juice and drank it,” Sweetie Belle said. Both she and Caps Lock looked at each other for a moment before bursting out into laughter.
“TROLOLOLOL!” Caps Lock laughed aloud. Sweetie Belle stopped long before he did only to look at him angrily again. He smiled his usual goofy smile and put his “trolling log” back into his saddlebag.
When he looked up, Sweetie Belle had already trotted off to the other side of the playground. Sure, they shared a laugh together, but she still hated his guts. Her mane had grown back to its full length after he butchered it several months prior, and he watched it bob as she trotted.
I’d tap that, Caps Lock thought to himself. Sweetie Belle caught him staring and she turned her nose up similar to the way her sister did. The sister I’d called a fat, ugly, skank. Yeah, there's no way I'm going to get her to even consider—
“Yo, Caps!”
A hoof thudded against Caps Lock’s back and he turned to see Button Mash. The brown earth pony colt walked up beside him, sipping from a juice box. “Where did you get that?” Caps Lock asked.
“I brought it from home,” Button replied, taking another sip.
“Okay, good,” Caps Lock said with relief. He’d only made one friend at Ponyville Elementary and he’d vowed to troll him as little as possible. Button Mash stood beside him and Caps Lock gave the propeller on Button’s hat a spin.
“So what’s new?” Button asked, finishing his juice. “I’ve seen you following Sweetie Belle around all recess.” There was a hint of resentment in his voice, but Caps Lock failed to pick up on it.
Caps Lock felt his face turning red, but he quickly composed himself. “I was, uh, just, trying to troll her, you know, same old, same old.” He smiled and turned to his friend—his ONLY friend. “You up for Battle Stallion 3 tonight? We gotta get ready for Battle Stallion 4 before it comes out!”
“Yeah!” Button Mash replied, giving Caps Lock a hoof bump. “I just gotta take care of some things first, but I’ll be on after.”
The school bell rang and the colts and fillies began filing back into the building. Caps and Button lined up behind Sweetie Belle and the colts found themselves staring at her flank. Simultaneously, they caught each other staring. They scoffed and turned their heads away from each other.
Once back in the classroom, Caps took his seat in the far back and took out his crayons. He scribbled throughout the lecture, only half listening as Cherilee spoke about the history behind Hearts and Hooves Day.
“You know it’s just a holiday invented by card companies to drive up sales, right?” Caps Lock interrupted her. The class was used to his interruptions and only a few turned in their seats to look at him.
“Caps Lock, that isn’t true,” Cherilee explained, but she didn’t know why she bothered. “Anyway, this Friday is Hearts and Hooves Day. I’d like you all to bring in candy for your classmates—except you Caps Lock—not after the Hearths Warming incident.”
Chocolate covered chicken eggs in brightly colored aluminum foil had truly been one of his better stunts, and it still made him laugh. Caps Lock grinned and continued his coloring.
“Tomorrow, we’ll be making cards to exchange on Friday,” Cherilee continued on. “This will be a great way to show your special somepony that you care. If you don’t have a special somepony," she looked to Caps Lock slyly, "you’re welcome to make a card for me.”
“I’d rather stick my dick in an ant hill,” Caps Lock mumbled, maintaining eye contact with his teacher. She scowled and looked away.
The school day continued on until at last, at 3:00, the bell rang to dismiss the students. Caps Lock rushed out of the classroom, making sure to give Sweetie Belle an extra hard shove as he passed. Button Mash was on the other side of her and managed to prevent her from falling.
Caps Lock waited outside the school house as the rest of his classmates filed out. He held his hoof out for hoof bumps, psyching out those who were foolish enough to engage. All but Sweetie Belle and Button Mash had exited the school and Caps Lock began to pace impatiently.
“Come on, come on, come on,” Caps Lock said repeatedly, pacing in a circle. At last, Button Mash came through the doors accompanied by Sweetie Belle. Button whispered something into Sweetie Belle’s ear. She nodded and trotted off to wait for him under a tree.
“Sorry for the wait,” Button said to Caps Lock. He looked at his friend and could tell he was already suspicious.
“What took you so long, broski?” Caps Lock asked, looking past him to Sweetie Belle.
“Uh, Cherilee asked me to bring Diamond Tiara the math homework,” Button replied, holding up a piece of paper. “I’ll be on Battle Stallion after, okay?”
Caps Lock looked back to his friend. “Alrighty then,” he said slowly. Button held his hoof out and Caps looked at it for a moment. “Don’t take too long,” he said at last and completed the hoof bump.
“I won’t,” Button assured him. He then trotted off to meet Sweetie Belle and they walked off together. Caps Lock stood still and watched his friend walk off with the filly. He couldn’t explain the odd feeling he had inside, but he didn’t like it; it hurt.
Cherilee walked out of the school building and was surprised to see Caps Lock still standing there, especially after the rush he was usually in to get out. “Everything alright, Caps Lock?” she asked with legitimate concern. He may have been the worst colt she had ever had the misfortune of teaching, but she still had her duties as a teacher to uphold.
He looked up to her and became aware his legs were shaking. “I’m fine, leave me alone,” he said, turning away from her. Before she could say anything else, he trotted away toward his home.
When Caps Lock got home, he immediately locked himself in his room. His father had been asleep on the couch and his mother was at her second job. Caps threw off his school bag and turned on his TV. Next, he turned on his game system and waited for it to read the disc.
“I’ll bet she’s S’ing his D right now,” Caps mumbled. The painful feeling returned and he rolled over on his bed. The game loaded and sat on the title screen, waiting for user input. Caps just stared at it and then to his controller. After a while, he finally motivated himself to pick up the controller and went into multiplayer VS. mode.
A notification appeared in the top left corner and he hoped it was informing him Button Mash was on. To his dismay, it was just another message from NMM1337. He opened it up and deleted it without reading it. Ever since he’d team killed her, she had been hell bent on spamming him.
“LEAVE ME ALONE! GET A LIFE!” Caps Lock shouted into his headset as he recorded his reply. After it was sent, he appeared offline so she wouldn’t join his game. He then went to play a few matches to pass the time until Button Mash joined him.
After hours of getting his ass kicked, Caps Lock began to think something was wrong with him. He couldn’t think straight, his hooves were shaky, and the pain in his stomach had moved up to his heart. He was just going to get off and call it a night when he saw the notification “ButtonMash is online” appear in the corner of his screen. He instantly started spamming game invites.
Minutes passed and he didn’t hear back from his friend. Fed up with waiting, Caps took it upon himself to join Button’s lobby. When he connected, he saw ButtonMash and ButtonMash(1) just sitting at the main menu.
Button had his microphone plugged in and was walking someone through the game controls. “Okay, and that’s the shoot button, and this is—”
“BUTTON MASH!” Caps Lock shouted. There was silence and the microphone icon disappeared from beside Button’s gamer name. “Dude, your mic got unplugged! Plug it back in!” Caps Lock said. The icon didn’t reappear and Caps Lock sat there staring at the other name on the screen.
“Hey Caps, sorry about the wait,” Button Mash said after plugging his mic back in. “You don’t mind if Sweetie Belle plays with us, do you?
The painful feeling in Caps Lock’s heart intensified. He’d known something was up between his friend and Sweetie, but he still couldn’t understand why it bothered him. She was just some dumb, blank-flank filly with the most beautiful green eyes and—
“Caps? You there, bro?” Button asked after not getting a response.
Caps Lock shook from his trance and replied, “Yeah, I’m here.”
“So can she play?”
“I don’t know, can she?” Caps asked with a bit of annoyance. “Has she played before? What’s her K/D ratio?”
“No, dude, this is her first time. She’s probably a natural, just give her a chance,” Button practically begged.
After a long pause, Caps Lock finally replied, “Fine, but if she makes us lose, I’ll—”
“I’m more than capable of carrying,” Button interrupted. His voice was suddenly smug as he added, “It’ll be no different than when I have to carry you.”
There was a small giggle in the background of Button Mash’s audio feed. Did he really just insult me in front of Sweetie Belle? Oh, that son of a—
“Oh, and did your K/D go down again? You're, what, .5 behind me now?” Button asked with increasing smugness.
“Eat a dick,” Caps Lock replied angrily. Button knew not to take anything Caps Lock said to heart, and he laughed. “No, seriously,” Caps continued, “go find a huge, hairy dick and stick it in your mouth.”
“Well, I know I won’t be using yours,” Button laughed. “It isn’t what I’d call huge.”
Again there was laughter from Sweetie Belle in the background and Caps Lock fumed. “Just start the fucking match already.”
“So Sweetie can play? Button asked happily.
Caps Lock grumbled, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”
II: Like Father, Like Son
“Shoot him! Shoot him! Awwwww,” Button Mash sighed after Sweetie Belle failed to kill what was so obviously an enemy.
Caps Lock brought up the leader board and winced at Sweetie Belle’s one kill to twenty death ratio. Her only kill came from her shooting at an enemy that dove off a cliff. His death was from the fall, but it was credited to Sweetie Belle.
“Carry harder, Button!” Caps Lock shouted. There were only two minutes left in the match and they were down by ten kills. Caps Lock had failed to contribute in any way, simply following around Sweetie Belle and killing the players that killed her. Several times he had ample time to save her, but didn’t.
“What? No, those are throwing knives…yeah, they’re one hit kill…right bumper…no, that’s right trigger.” Button Mash was continuously explaining game mechanics to Sweetie Belle, and Caps Lock finally muted him.
He gave up following Sweetie and sent his character to a glitch spot. He was just going to sit out the rest of the match with his twenty kills and two deaths. With no threat of death, he brought up the leader board and waited for the match to end. ButtonMash(1) was now two and twenty.
“Oh, she got a kill,” Caps Lock mumbled, knowing Button couldn’t hear him. Suddenly, ButtonMash(1) was credited for another kill, and another. “What did he do, take the controller from her?” Caps Lock asked, watching the leader board in disbelief. There were only thirty seconds left in the match and their teams was still down by two kills.
Caps Lock unmuted Button and heard nothing but laughter coming from his friend. “Yeah! Go Sweetie Belle!” Button shouted joyously. Caps brought up the kill feed and saw Sweetie Belle had five consecutive throwing knife kills.
“That’s impossible,” Caps said. Suddenly, Sweetie was credited for two more throwing knife kills and the match ended in a victory for their team. He could hear Sweetie Belle and Button laughing through his headset.
“Caps! Caps! Watch this!” Button said as the final kill cam started to play. It was from ButtonMash(1)’s perspective, and the stallion on the screen was levitating a throwing knife in his magic aura. An enemy popped out around the corner and the knife soared into his head. The enemy dropped and ButtonMash(1) ran forward, retrieved the knife, and threw it in slow motion at the next enemy.
A collective “OHHHHH!” went through the lobby as the second enemy suffered the same fate as his ally. Caps Lock was impressed; throwing knife kills are extremely difficult, especially in succession. Not even he could do what Sweetie Belle had just done, and he only wished he had been there with them to celebrate.
The players were thrown into a pregame lobby where they awaited their next match. Button and Sweetie were still laughing and Caps Lock felt his stomach sink. “Hey Button, did you see my twenty and two?” Caps Lock asked. His words weren’t heard over the all the players in lobby congratulating Sweetie Belle.
“Hey Caps,” Button finally said at last, “I think I may have found my new teammate in the league doubles!”
“What?! You can’t replace me!” Caps said angrily. “She still only went eight and twenty! She’s garbage!”
Sweetie said something that Caps couldn’t hear and Button laughed into his mic. “She wasn’t even trying!” Button said, defending her. “I bet she’ll beat you this next match!”
“Yeah?!” Caps Lock shouted. “She beats me then she can HAVE my spot on the league!”
The vote for the next map was locked in and Caps Lock looked to see it was his least favorite map. Apparently, it was a lot of players’ least favorite map, because three players backed out of the lobby before the match began. Just as the timer hit zero, three players joined the lobby and the screen went blank.
“Sister! I found him!” a familiar female voice shouted.
“YOUR FLANK IS MINE, QWIKSCOPZ!” another mare shouted even louder.
Never gonna give you up,
never gonna let you down,
never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!
The audio came through a third player’s headset and Caps Lock instantly knew the trio that had crashed into his game. “Oh for Celestia’s sake! Leave me alone!” he shouted.
Before the argument could continue further, the game finally loaded. The music was still playing through his headset, meaning Disco Chord420 was on his team. The first thing Caps did was mute him, and then look to the leader board. SunButt69 and NMM1337 were on the other team.
“What? Oh, yeah, they’re friends of Caps’,” Button answered Sweetie.
“Like hell they are!” Caps Lock shouted, choosing his sniping class. The second his character stepped forward, a tomahawk cracked into his skull. “THIS IS SO STUPID!” Caps Lock shouted, watching the kill cam. The second SunButt69 spawned, she aimed at the sky and tossed a tomahawk across the map. It zeroed in on Caps Lock’s character and killed him instantly.
“Not off to a good start, Capsy” Button said condescendingly. Both he and Sweetie Belle had already gotten their first kills. As always, Disco simply followed Caps Lock around, shooting at his hooves to attract enemy attention.
Caps rounded a corner and took a shotgun shot to the face, killing him instantly. Disco simply looked at the enemy (NMM1337) and together they tea-bagged Caps’ corpse. Because of the game’s broken spawn system, he was forced to spawn near his teammates. Of course, the game favored spawning him near Disco.
“I’m gonna rage quit,” Caps Lock said after NMM1337 killed him before he could take two steps forward.
“Have you tried sucking less?” Button asked.
“Dude, they’re spawn trapping me!”
Sweetie Belle said something to Button that made him laugh and Caps Lock got even angrier. He finally managed to kill NMM1337 and escape his base. He came across ButtonMash(1) and started throwing fragmentation grenades at the stallion. A set of explosive barrels went off, sending ButtonMash(1) flying into a wall.
“Caps! Why’d you do that?!” Button shouted after Sweetie yelled out angrily.
“Fuck you, that’s why!” Caps replied. He then muted Button Mash again and proceeded on with the game’s mission. Suddenly, a friendly armored carriage came out of nowhere and ran Caps Lock’s character over. Betrayed by ButtonMash appeared in the kill feed.
Caps Lock threw his controller at the screen of his TV, causing it to spiderweb with colorful cracks of light. He stared at it until he heard banging on his bedroom door.
“What was that?!” his father shouted. “Open this door, now!” The banging intensified and Caps Lock shut the TV off and threw a blanket over it. He carefully unlocked his door and his father stood there glaring at him.
“What was what?” Caps Lock asked, looking up at the stallion. His father looked around the small room until his eyes came to rest on the TV.
“You broke another TV, didn’t you?” he asked, pushing past his son. He threw the blanket off and stared at the damage Caps had done. “Your mother isn’t buying you another, I’ll see to that,” he said, looking back to his son. “About time you grew up anyway.”
Caps Lock shifted and looked down at his hooves. His father, not typically known for compassion, tilted his head as he looked at his son. In their past interactions, Caps Lock usually shouted at his father, calling him obscenities, but this time he was quiet.
“Dad,” Caps Lock said quietly. He looked up to his father with tears welling in his eyes.
Oh shit, is he coming out of the closet? Caps Lock’s father wondered worriedly.
“I need some advice.”
Aw hell, he’s queer. “Son, what you do or what you like is none of my business,” his father said, taking a step backwards.
“Dad, it’s about Button Mash.”
Button Mash? That brown colt that sometimes showed up and together they’d spend hours locked in Caps’ room? During which time it was mostly quiet except for whispers, shouts, and laughter. “Uhhhh, ask your mother!” the stallion said nervously.
“Dad! Wait! It involves a filly!” Caps Lock pleaded, grabbing onto his father’s leg. The stallion stopped and looked down.
“A filly?” he asked.
“Yeah, I, I think I like her,” Caps spat out.
“Wait, so you’re not a colt cuddler?” his father asked with relief.
“WHAT?! NO!” Caps Lock shouted in embarrassment. The first time he’d ever actually tried to bond with his father, and the stallion thought he was gay.
Feeling fully reassured, Caps Lock’s father took a seat on his son’s bed. “Okay, good,” he said, wiping his forehead. “Now tell me, how’s this involve Button Mash?”
Caps Lock took a seat next to his father and chose to stare at the wall rather than make eye contact. His father, Shift, had had trouble bonding with his father as a colt, and didn’t know quite how to help his son. He hesitantly reached his hoof out and put it around his son’s shoulders.
“Button started hanging out with this filly, and now he’s being a douchebag,” Caps explained. “And now I get this feeling right here,” he put his hoof against his chest, “and it hurts when I think about them.”
Shift replied, “That’s called jealousy. Did you ever tell this filly how you felt?”
“No,” Caps Lock said sadly. “I called her a bunch of names and did a lot of mean things to her. It’s what people online told me to do. They said girls like it when you’re a dick to them.”
“That’s when they’re older,” Shift replied, speaking from experience. “When you’re young, you’ve gotta be nice to ‘em. Tell ‘em they’re pretty.”
“But what do I do about Button Mash? He must have already done that!” Caps exclaimed.
His father smiled an ear-to-ear grin, a trait he’d passed on to his son. “You must win her love. Fight Button to the death! Give her his head as a token of your affection!”
Caps Lock looked to his TV in dismay. “Even if I had a working TV, I could never beat Button Mash! He’s probably gonna get his cutie mark in gaming.”
“Son, I am disappoint,” Shift said, looking to Caps. “First, you have to have self confidence. Mares dig that. Just find something you’re better at than Button and flaunt the hell outta it.
“And if that doesn’t work, there’s chloroform under the sink.”
