The Adventures of Weird Twilight and the Dragon Thing

by Sedaheht

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1294

Strange things are happening in Ponyville and it's just because Ponyville is a strange place.

Twilight Sparkle is a unicorn, has a horn, does magic, has no wings, has no friends, has a cutie mark, and etc. Everything about this story is intended to make 100% sense. I poured my heart and soul into it. The first chapter alone took 700 total man-hours to write. The sheer emotional weight of the events that take place is staggering and you might even be crushed beneath it if you don't watch out. God has given me this gift of language, and with it I shall I write our destiny with the quill of time and the ink of imagination.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-21 20:40:06 UTC

The First Chapter

The morning was sunny with brightness and heatness when Twilight Sparkle woke up in a field of grass that was outside on a day. One of her eyes had fallen out during her slumber so she put it back in and was able to see images with a fully stereoscopic sense of depth. But what she saw was something she didn’t fully understand.

“Where... am I?” Her eyes rolled around uncontrollably while adjusting to the fit of their sockets and then she made a funny sound effect with her face that just can’t be described in words.

Looking at her surroundings, she found herself in a field of grass and the sun’s position indicated it was roughly 10 o’clock in the morning.

“I am in a field of grass and the sun’s position indicates it is roughly 10 o’clock in the morning.” she redundanted, and then neighed a l’il whinny. She became furiously pissed off after realizing she missed breakfast, but that wasn’t the priority and the anger soon passed.

She stared intently at the ground for a number of seconds, trying to make sense of her current situation.

"No, no, no no no! It's all buggered and mucked up and disorderly! This field is incorrect!" she decided, and began correcting the field in a way that only makes sense to Twilight Sparkle. When the process was complete, the field wasn't any better or worse than it was before. It was still just a field. Satisfied with her remarkable act of heroism, Twilight began her journey home in what she thought was the right direction and probably was.

Twenty seven seconds later she arrived, because the field of grass was just outside the library where she lived. The door to the library was closed. She opened the damned thing and then ponied out a loud “SPPIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE!” This caused Spike to hear it and then he came out of a direction to greet her.

“Twilight, why were you sleeping outside?!” he asked, giving in excess of three fucks about the answer.

“Thanks, Spike. What’s for breakfast?” Twilight ignored her assistant’s question because she didn’t give a shit about him until she had food in her stomach. That was just the right way to organize a list of priorities.

Spike blinked twice. Twilight was becoming less tolerable every day but it wasn’t too much for him to handle. “I... uh, I guess I can make you some Cheerioats™ and pour you a glass of Hay Ocean! Spray. Anything you want! A grass salad? Flowerjacks? Taco Bell?” He grinned the grin of servitude.

“Yes, yes please, all of that! That’s the spirit, if I remember correctly.” Twilight thought a moment, and decided that Spike had earned a compliment for his good behavior. “Attention Spike: You are one of my two assistants, and therefore at least my second favorite by default. That is your compliment for the day, now go make me breakfast.” Spike gave a loud salute, tied his apron around his waist, and went to make breakfast even though there wasn’t a kitchen or any food in the library. He just made it work.

Twilight sat down on the floor, picked up that day’s copy of the Equestrian Time(s) newspaper and pointed her eyes at it. The first headline read “SCOOTALOO IS AN ALIEN AND TRIED TO ABDUCT TWILIGHT SPARKLE LAST NIGHT BUT LEFT HER ASLEEP OUTSIDE TWILIGHT’S LBIRRAY”. Twilight didn’t understand how this could be, and she realized it was because the word “library” was spelled wrong. She used a spelling magic to fix the paper. She was about to read the headline again and finally understand what message it was trying to convey, when Spike re-entered the room from a direction.

The loyal servant placed a steaming pile of Cheerioats™ on the floor on which she lay, and placed a shimmering glass of Hay Ocean! Spray on the floor on which she lay.

“Thank you, please.” said Twilight.

“Twilight, about last night, I think something happened to you... I heard noises coming from-”

“Spike, it is crucial that you don’t talk to me until I am finished eating my Cheerioats™. It is really annoying and makes my vomit want to shed tears of blood.” Then she set the stairs on fire to make him go away. This startled the dragon and he yelled at the top of one of his lungs, saving the other half of his breath for the question that followed.

“Aaaaaahhhhhh! Why would you do that?!”

Twilight was calm as hell.

“Spike, let this be a lesson to you. When you start to question my authority, I will burn the things you walk on. Now go get a fire extinguisher and fix this before it does more harm than good. I hereby amend my earlier compliment to include a long pause followed by the word "Not".”

Spike started running, but immediately stopped running, thought a thought, and yelled “Twilight, we don’t have any fire extinguishers in the library!”

“Spike, I didn’t say you could talk! I’m still eating my Cheerioats™! Just get it done!”

“There is no other way to put out the fire, Twilight!”

“Fine. Have it your way. I will use a damned magic to keep the fire from spreading while you run into town to buy a fire extinguisher. Give a generous tip to the cashier. That’s what she said. Bye.”

Spike nodded and promptly ran out the door, leaving Twilight alone with herself and that owl from Episode 24. It fucking hooted and sat there looking like a stupid idiot with wings and no plot significance.

“Oh dear, I don’t know any spells that allow me to control fire... what am I, a sorcerer? Oh well.” Twilight sighed, “At least with Spike out on some errand I have peace and quiet. Now I am free to re-read that newspaper headline and finally figure out what it means. This is gonna be terrific I’m so excited jesus christ.” She didn’t smile, and then looked down at her newspaper. It was on fire now too, and the only words of the headline that were still visible read “SCOOTALOO IS ASLEEP OUTSIDE TWILIGHT’S LIBRARY.”

Wondering why the best pony would be sleeping outside her home, Twilight stood up, sparkily floated the Cheerioats™ beside her as she walked, and casually meandered her way through the spreading flames towards the window. She couldn’t really see whether or not Scootaloo was asleep out there because there was too much smoke clouding her vision. She pressed her sweet, delicious face against the glass but squinted so hard that she looked like a dried prune. There was no Scootaloo out there. Not by a long shot. The only orange she could see was coming from the flames behind her butt. She started going back to the newspaper, intending to double or triple check the headline on the chance that she might have read it wrong due to being so distracted by Spike’s disobedience, but when she turned around the paper had already been consumed by the flames.

“Well that’s just great!” she sarcasmed. “Now I’ll have to go all the way into town to buy another newspaper!” For the first time since Discord decided to move the library 3 miles away from Ponyville, Twilight wished he hadn’t done that.

“I guess I’d better get going,” she quoted Link from The Faces of Evil for the Philips CD-i which is a good game if you happen to enjoy shitty games.

It was getting pretty hot and bright in the library and Twilight wasted no more time. She dodged the roof as it came crashing down and then started her journey towards town.

She did not forget to bring the Cheerioats™ with her.