Rainbow Dash takes LSD and dies.
Rainbow Dash takes LSD and dies.
Hey everypony, I wrote this one day in the break room in the Fox News studio in New York, I let Ann Coulter read it and she said it was great so I decided to post it.
It was about 3PM in Ponyville as Rainbow Dash flew across the sky towards the Library that her friend Twilight Sparkle lived in. Twilight had told her earlier that day that she needed to come over that evening to see her latest scientific discovery. Her purple friend seemed pretty excited about what ever it was; she didn’t explain what exactly it was, she just told Rainbow that it would make her
“trip sack”. Rainbow Dash didn’t know what “tripping sack” was but she was eager to try it out.
“It must be pretty good if Twilight was that excited about it.” She thought to her self as she landed in front of the library. She pushed open the door to the main room. “Twilight.” She called out. “
“I’m down here Rainbow!” Said a voice from the basement. Rainbow pushed open the basement door with her head and trotted down the stairs. The basement was lit by a single bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling Twilight was hunched over a workbench that was filled with beakers and test tubes and other various lab equipment. Twilight was watching a beaker on a Bunsen burner as clear liquid boiled inside of it.
“Hey Twi what’s up, are we gonna trip sack now?” Twilight turned around to face her friend revealing a silly looking grin on her face. “Hi Rainbow, Oh wait did you see Spike?”
“No I didn’t see him upstairs when I came in.”
“Good. I can’t stand looking at him when I’m tripping, He freaks me out.”
“Really? Tell me what tripping is already I wanna try to trip sack if it’s as good as you say it is….Twilight are you ok?”
Twilight was just sitting in front of Rainbow with a spacey look in her eyes and that goofy grin.
“Yoohoo, did you even hear what I said? Why are you pupils so big?” dash waved a hoof in front of her face.
“Dash you’re so blue, how did you get so blue?”
“Umm”
“And your so soft….wow.” Twilight put a hoof on Rainbows shoulder and started to stroke her fur.
“And your mane so colorful dash, let me touch it.”
Twilight moved her hoof to her friend’s mane and started run her hoof through it and seemed to be inspecting every strand of hair.
“Oh no Dash! I think you mane is melting!”
Rainbow was getting annoyed with her friend’s weird antics and took a few steps back.
“My mane isn’t melting. Your acting like a weird homeschooled filly, are you gonna show me how to trip sack or what?”
Twilight seemed to snap out of her daze.
“Oh yeah, I forgot.” Twilight was giggling as she moved back to her workbench. She levitated a small eyedropper off the table and filled it with a small amount of clear liquid out of a Petri dish. She walked back over to Rainbow.
“Now hold still Dash this will just take a second”
She put a hoof on Rainbows face and pulled her left eyelid down and dropped the liquid in her eye. Dash blinked a few times at the cool sensation in her eye.
“Was that it? Am I tripping sack now?”
Twilight started giggling again at how naïve her friend was being.
“No silly you have to wait for it to take effect.”
Rainbow and Twilight were hanging around the library while Rainbow sat on the floor waiting for the effects to take place while Twilight walked around the room aimlessly looking at random things and touching them. Every so often she would stop and lament on how soft or pretty something was.
It had been about 20 minutes since Dash took the drops of “Acid” as Twilight called it and she still felt nothing. Twilight was now posted in front of the window by her door. She was sitting on the floor and staring outside at anything and nothing with unblinking eyes.
Rainbow Dash had grown impatient it was getting late and she didn’t want to sit around the library while Twilight was acting like a weirdo, If that was tripping sack then Rainbow wasn’t really interested anymore.
“Hey Twilight I’m going to go now I want to get some flying practice in before it gets dark.”
Twilight just kept staring out the window.
“Did you hear me?”
“Uh huh”
“Alright…well see you later.”
She walked out the front door and took to the sky.
“That was lame, what a waste of an hour. I could have been flying.”
Rainbow flew above Ponyville pulling flips and barrel rolls. As she was soaring across the sky her head started to feel kind of funny, she shrugged it off and continued her aerial acrobatics. A few minutes later it hit her hard, her eyes went wide as colors and sparks seemed to explode from everywhere. The clouds began to form strange shapes and blend together with the sky. Everything Rainbow looked at left a transparent trail behind it as time it’s self seemed to slow down. In front of Dash was a spinning vortex of colors that always stayed just out of reach as she kept trying to fly into it.
“I must be tripping sack now!” she thought to her self. It was the greatest thing the pegasus had ever experienced. She felt great; she had never been so alive in her life. She was seeing things that she could never begin to describe no matter how she tried. She was so fixated on the magical sights around her that she didn’t notice she was slowly losing altitude. Her gaze turned to the mountains in the distance. They rippled and moved almost like they were dancing. As she was looking at the mountains she failed to notice the large tree she was quickly approaching.
Rainbow Dash hit the tree head on, branches snapped and leaves fell as she hit. She had crashed hundreds of times before and usually walked away with just a few bruises and scraps, occasionally a small fracture to a wing but unfortunately this time was different. Her head got wedged into the crook of a large branch and snapped her neck instantly. She bounced off the branch and her twisted and lifeless body fell to the ground.
Rainbow woke up with a headache and blurry vision; she sat up and rubbed her head. As her sight came back to her she noticed she was in some sort of cave or cavern. Large red stalactites hung from the ceiling. In random places around the cave were small patches of fire that appeared to be fueled by thin air. The fire light up the cavern with dull orange light and cast ominous shadows. Somewhere she could hear steam hiss but she saw no water. There was no way out of the cavern, it was completely enclosed by rock walls.
“Where am I? How did I get hear?” she said to nopony as she was the only living thing inside the rock enclosure. She started to panic as fear grew inside her.
“Get a hold of your self Dash, It’s all just a bad dream.” She closed her eyes tightly expecting to find herself in her bed when she opened them. She opened them; she was still inside the ghastly cavern. She looked to the back wall in disbelief and saw a large steel door was now implanted into the wall. It had not been there a few seconds ago when she closed her eyes. She approached it slowly; the large brushed steel door towered over her it was about 7feet tall and seemed to be made for beings much larger then herself. She spied a small button on the right side.
Rainbow didn’t like the look of it but it was the only was out so she didn’t have a choice. She reached up and pushed the button. It glowed red and the door slide open to the side revealing a small room constructed from brightly polished steel with a single florescent light recessed in the top. It was an elevator. Rainbow swallowed hard and stepped inside, the door snapped shut behind her. She jumped in surprise and spun around to see she was now trapped inside.
Next to the door was another single button with an arrow pointing down on it. “Here goes everything” she pressed it. The button glowed red and the elevator began move down. The florescent light flickered as the elevator moved, some cheesy elevator music began to play. As the elevator traveled to it’s destination Dash noticed that it got hotter the further it went. She had been in the elevator for about an hour now and was drenched in sweat it felt like she had a blow-dryer in her face, she started to pant.
Finally the elevator jerked to a stop. After a small “Ding” the door slid open. Rainbow stepped out into a large lavishly decorated room and shook the sweat off her body. Rainbow looked around at the room, the floor was covered in red Persian carpet with intricate patterns sewn into it. The walls were plain white but were topped with ornate crown molding with gold leaf trim. In the center of the room was a marble fountain that gently sprayed red liquid out in to the pool below it. In the back was a marble grand staircase that was supported by ionic columns.
The best thing that Rainbow saw was desk off to the side, seated behind it was a pony. She was grateful to see another pony and ran up to the desk. A small plastic sign on the desk read “receptionist” next to that was a table fan that blew cool air on the secretary pony. She was brown with a jet black mane done up in a perfect bun behind her head. She looked through her glasses at her front hooves as she manicured them with a nail file by magic.
“Excuse me but can you please tell me where I am? And how do I get out of here?” The unicorn didn’t look up she just keep filing at her front hooves.
“Your in Hell dear, there is no way out.”
“What?!”
“Your dead and now you’re in Hell, It’s simple really”
“But…but…I don’t understand! The last thing I remember was I was flying around tripping sack and-.“
“And then you hit a tree and broke your neck.”
The brown unicorn interrupted.
“How do you know I crashed?”
“I have your records right hear dear, I’ve been waiting for you.”
She put her file down and reached under the desk and pulled out a manila folder and dropped it on the desk. “Rainbow Dash” was written on the tab. “Heathen” was stamped on the front of the folder in large red block letters.
“I can’t be dead, this is a joke isn’t it? It’s not funny I wanna go home!”
“Sorry dear I’m afraid you’re quite dead.”
“…Then…but…why am I in Hell? I don’t deserve this I was a good pony! I was a good friend and even helped save Equestria, This has to be a mistake!”
“Well let’s see here.” The brown pony opened the folder.
“It says here you’ve been sentenced to eternal damnation for 541 counts of being a total lez.”
“That’s not fair!”
“I’m sorry darling but that’s how the cookie crumbles”
“It can’t be! Have somebody else check maybe some-.”
“Please dear I’ve heard it all before, it’s better if you just accept it.”
Rainbow hung her head low.
“So I’ll never get to see my friends again?” she asked with a heavy heart.
“Don’t worry you’ll see you friends again.”
The receptionist reach down and pulled out some more folders.
“Let’s see here, Twilight Sparkle. Damnation for 12,284 counts of witchcraft. Pinkamena Diane Pie, Damnation for 23,978 counts of Gluttony. Applejack, Damnation for one counts of being a Mormon. Princess Celestria and Princess Luna, Damnation for tampering with a celestial body. It seams that your friends Fluttershy and Rarity are going to heaven however so you won’t be seeing them anytime soon.”
“Now it’s time I got you settled in your new living quarters.” She pulled a key out of a drawer on the desk and a small basket filled with a few various things.
“Here’s you’re room key and your welcome basket.”
She passed the things to a teary eyed Rainbow and she took them in her mouth. Inside the welcome basket was a bar of soap a bag of peanuts a cassette of Missing You Now by Michal Bolton and a Betamax tape of The Shining.
“Your room number is 15,436, go up the stairs and take a right down the hallway. And once again welcome to the Lake of Fire please suffer your stay. By the way we have lots of humans here don’t be frightened when you see them.”
The receptionist went back to filing her hooves. Rainbow tuned around and trotted to the stairs, a few tears fell to the ground. As she walked she passed the fancy marble fountain in the middle of the room and noticed that the red liquid was blood. She slowly made her way up the staircase into a hallway that split off to the left and right.
Bright red carpet covered the floor of the seemingly endless hallways. Black doors with gold numbers centered on the front lined the walls on both sides. Rainbow walked for a long time, occasionally passing tall almost hairless creatures that walked upright and wore clothes all over their body. They didn’t make eye contact with her or even notice her for the most part they just seemed to be wandering the hallways with their heads down and sad expressions on their faces. They were the humans the receptionist was talking about.
She finally found her room after walking for almost a half hour. She put the key in the keyhole and struggled to turn it with her hoof for a few seconds until it finally pushed open. She walked into the small room. There was a bathroom to her right, in front of her was a small bedroom with a single bed and night stand along with a dresser with a television on top of it and next to that was a small mini bar. Other than that the room was pretty bare.
She walked over to the nightstand and dropped her welcome basket on it. The TV didn’t have a Betamax player so she couldn’t watch The Shining and she didn’t have a cassette player so she couldn’t listen to Michal Bolton. She wasn’t really sure she wanted to listen to Michal Bolton anyway. She picked up the bag of peanuts in her mouth and tried to open it but it proved to be an almost impossible task with her hooves.
She shook the bag back and forth in her teeth until it ripped open spilling the peanuts allover the floor. “Buck!” yelled Rainbow in frustration. She began to eat the peanuts off the floor. She was lapping up the last of the peanuts when her head bumped into the mini bar. She nudged it open with her nose hoping to find something to quench her thirst. Inside was a pack of Busch non-alcoholic beer.
“What the hay is this?” she pulled out a can and tried to open it but once again she couldn’t. She finally brought her hoof down on the can and was hit in the face by the contents as it sprayed out all over the place. She wiped her face off and sat down she picked up the can in her hooves and drank what was left of the beer out of the hole in the can. It tasted warm and awful and she spat it out.
Just then she heard a knock on her door. Rainbow walked over to it and pulled it open. Standing in front of the threshold was a small red figure. The horns on its head just barely reached her chin and its pointed tail whipped back and forth. The strange figure had a little pitchfork in one hand and a letter in the other.
“Can I help you?” Rainbow asked solemnly.
The small devil figure just handed her the letter, Rainbow took it in her mouth. She was about to close her door when the devil stuck his pitchfork into her foreleg drawing just a little blood.
“Ow!” Rainbow recoiled back.
“What the hay was that for!”
Then little devil just ran down the hallway laughing. Dash slammed her door shut and scowled. She tore open the letter with her teeth and read it.
“Dear Guest, Mandatory dinner party at 7pm in the ballroom. Formal attire required, don’t be late.”
“A dinner party! What kind of Hell is this anyway?”
Dropping the letter on the floor she walked into the bathroom, if she was going to a formal party she might as well get cleaned up and shower off to get all the sweat off her body. She stepped into the shower and turned the knob. A warm golden colored liquid sprayed out. Rainbow tasted it on her tongue.
“Is that…Oh Celestria it is.”
The shower was spewing more Busch non-alcoholic beer. She kicked off the shower and jumped out. She stepped up to the sink and turned it on, More Busch. She flipped open the lid to the toilet and sure enough it was filled with Busch. The only liquid in Hell was Busch non-alcoholic beer. She lifted her head and howled in vexation.
After drying herself off she stepped out of her bathroom. She remembered that the letter had instructed her to ware formal attire, she didn’t have any clothing but she had a hunch. Opening a drawer in the dresser below the TV she found a leopard print blazer. It looked so gaudy, Rainbow began to reminisce on the dress that Rarity had made her once. She wished she had that dress now; it would make her feel better.
She sighed and wrapped the blazer around her barrel and headed to the dinner party. Rainbow opened the door to her room to see a long silent single file line of humans and the occasional pony trudging down the endless hallway they were all dressed in fine suit’s and tuxedo’s but they all still looked miserable.
Rainbow figured they were all headed to dinner; she didn’t talk to anyone, she wanted to keep a low profile. She entered the line and followed the souls of the damned to dinner, the whole time she walked down the long hallway she wondered what a dinner party in Hell would be like.
The line eventually ended up spilling out into an enormous ballroom that stretched out in all directions as far as Rainbow’s eyes could see. The floor was crowded with thousands and thousands of round tables draped in white tablecloths. Each table had seats for 6 humans or ponies. Rainbow was approached by a small devil figure again, she took a step back and grimaced recalling her last run in with one of them.
This time the devil just put a sticker on her blazer. The sticker said, “Hello My Name is Rainbow Dash”. The small devil led Rainbow to a table with five humans seated around it. She was seated in-between a tall man in a tan suit and a pretty looking woman in a simple black dress. “This is your assigned table, you’ll sit here every night for the rest of eternity.” Said the devil as it walked away. Dash looked back at the humans she would be spending every dinner with from now on.
Across from her were three more male humans. They all had the same nametag sticker on their suits that she did. The man to the far left had a red facial hair trimmed into a neat goatee; his long red hair was braided in cornrows behind his head. He sat slumped in his chair with his arms crossed and an angry look on his face. Rainbow looked at the name on the sticker on his jacket and saw that his name was Axl Rose.
Next to him sat an older man, he sat up straight with a scowl on his face and a napkin in his lap. The small candle that flickered on the table shined off his neatly greased and combed back hair. His nametag revealed him to be Richard Nixon.
To the right of Richard Nixon was another man who was also slumped in his chair, his head was down and he appeared to be snoozing. He had long messy curly black hair and his suit jacket was undone, Rainbow could just barely make out the name on his sticker. Ronnie James Dio. The women on Rainbows left kept playing with her long blond hair while looking into a small silver pocket mirror. Bette Davis.
The tall man on her left had his cheek in one hand with his elbow on the table. His other hand tapped at the surface with one finger. Beady looking eyes darted back and fourth behind his thick framed glasses. Rainbow cocked her head to read his nametag. Ted Bundy.
She decided to try and break the ice as no one was talking to each other and hardly acknowledged her arrival.
“So how’s it going everypony?”
The crowed just grumbled under their breath and Bette Davis continued to push her hair around looking into her mirror.
“I guess were going to be eating dinner together for the rest of forever huh?”
No one said anything; Richard Nixon shot Rainbow Dash an annoyed look. Dash just hung her head down. These humans weren’t very nice. Another small red devil figure approached their table pushing a wheeled cart with six bowls of food and six mugs of Busch’s non-alcoholic beer. He set a bowl and mug in front Rainbow and the rest of the humans at the table. Ronnie Dio woke up with a snort and rubbed his eyes as a bowl was set down in front of him.
Rainbow looked at the mug of warm Busch in disgust. “Not this crap again.”
She looked in her bowl and noticed it was filled with plain grits that smelled like they had been boiled in more Busch beer. They were, and they were cold.
“This is horrible, can’t I have anything else?” Said Rainbow.
“Sorry hun, this is the only food you get in Hell.” Bette Davis told her.
All the humans around her started to eat the grits out of the bowl with their hands since the only utensils they were given was chopsticks. Dash followed their example and stuck her snout in the bowl and forced herself to choke down the disgusting mess.
While she was eating she couldn't help but over hear the conversation between Axl Rose and Ronnie Dio. Axl kept talking about something called Rock in Rio while Ronnie Dio kept saying Ozzfest was better. The two argued back and fourth and Dio kept chastising Axl for taking so long with Chinese Democracy.
Dash had no clue what they could possibly be talking about. She looked up and saw Axl was getting red in the face. Rainbow heard Ronnie Dio say something about Vince Neil being a better musician. Richard Nixon just tried to concentrate on his bowl of cold grits and ignore the two.
“That’s it!” shouted Axl Rose. He dove across the table and tackled Ronnie Dio to the floor. Axl pinned him down and began to punch at his face but Ronnie got a foot under him and kicked him back. Axl fell into Richard Nixon’s chair almost knocking him over. He grabbed the table to steady himself, in the process his bowl of grits spilled on his jacket.
“Damnit Dio! You clumsy bastard!” Richard Nixon got up and threw his napkin to the floor and jumped on the two rock stars that were wrestling on the floor. Rainbow looked on as Richard Nixon, Axl Rose and Ronnie Dio rolled around on the floor trading kicks and punches. Bette Davis and Ted Bundy continued eating their food like nothing was happening. Everybody at all the other tables seemed to be ignoring the scene as well. Dash nudged Bette Davis.
“Shouldn’t we do something about this.”
“No. This has been happening every night since Axl Rose got here.”
“Axl’s just cranky because he got ran over by a bus on the Hollywood Strip a few weeks ago.” Added Ted Bundy.
Dash watched as Richard Nixon stood up and grabbed his mug of Busch’s non-alcoholic beer and smashed it on Dio’s head. Dio collapsed on the linoleum floor in a puddle of warm beer. Axl Rose got to his feet and spun Nixon around and punched him in the mouth.
For dessert Rainbow Dash was given a fun sized Snickers. She couldn’t open it with her hooves so she had to eat the plastic wrapper as well. After dinner Rainbow returned to her hot stuffy room and tossed her tacky leopard print blazer on the floor. Dinner was a total bust, it was probably the worst dinner she ever had. She didn’t much care for her new human companions. Bette Davis and Ted Bundy seemed nice enough but Axl Rose, Ronnie Dio and Richard Nixon acted like a bunch of flankholes.
She looked around her room found some books in the nightstand drawer. She thought they might be something fun to read like Daring-Do but they were just disturbing clopfics about her raping Scootaloo. She threw the books across the room. It had only been about 5 hours since she got to Hell and she was already on the verge of losing her mind.
“I guess I’ll just watch TV.”
Her hoof hit the power button and the TV turned onto the Home Shopping Network. Rainbow groaned and changed the channel, the same thing. Again, the same thing. Some dumb broad was trying to sell some stupid fake designer pocket book and kept repeating a phone number. The pocketbook looked bucking stupid and Dash would never buy it in a million years even if she had a credit card, but In Hell HSN was on every channel for 24 hours 7 days a week 365 days a year.
The TV didn’t turn off when she pushed the power button. The TV didn’t turn off when she pulled the plug. Her nerves began to get the better of her and she bucked the screen hard. It shattered and sparked. Now Dash had no Television.
“This day can’t get any worse!”
Her eyes fell onto her new bed that had been nicely made.
“At least I can still sleep, I’ll feel better after I take a nice long nap.”
She jumped up and threw her out stretched body on the bed.
“Ahhh!”
Screaming in pain she rolled off the bed onto the floor. She bit the comforter that covered the bed and yanked it off with her teeth to discover that the bed was made out of upturned nails. She noticed that someone had put a small mint on her pillow.
Rainbow Dash collapsed to the floor and began to weep.
“I should have never tripped sack.” She whined.
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