Discordant Dreamscape

Chapters

Ponies Don't Play Blackjack
Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!
Fact: This is a Not a Chapter This is an Apple

Ponies Don't Play Blackjack

Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, was standing on the ceiling of Fluttershy’s cottage, in total disregard of gravity. A sullen look was painted on his asymmetrical features. Discord would never admit it, but being alone was his only real weakness.

Well, that and having to rein in his abilities. Discord closed his eyes and let the golden years come flooding back like so much chocolate milk. When he was ruler of the land, other ponies were around him day and night, whether they wanted to be or not. He could go anywhere he wanted, do anything he wanted. That was before he thought anything could possibly challenge his power. They didn’t need to like it, but ponies would always do as they were told, with proper motivation.

He could always get a second opinion on what his best tricks were. Some of his subjects would even laugh without his prompting, they showed him his best work, and how to be even funnier.

Best of all, every new day brought forth a veritable parade of unexpected events. Discord smiled at the memories. There might be a silly revolt from a particularly ungrateful group of ponies one day; then perhaps one of his old chaotic creations would change in a way he hadn’t anticipated.

It was all in good fun. Nopony was hurt as far as he could tell during his reign. Plus, he let them have each other. Being in a group was more fun than being alone. Discord slowly opened his eyes. His smile immediately shifted to a scowl. That was a rare mistake on my part. Shows what I get for considering others.

It was him alone, that could keep away the kill-joys like changelings, dragons, and numerous other beasts. Those louts had absolutely no sense of humor. It was all pillage, eat, destroy, or conquer. Sometimes it was all four at once.

Discord groaned. It was all very uninteresting and repetitive. He had set up clear borders to his playpen of a country. Any spoilsports were welcome to pack up and leave. He'd make no attempt to gather them once they were over the borders. They just wouldn't be under his protection anymore. Discord shrugged. He had never said their choice was fair or easy, but at least he offered them one. Freedom and chaos were the name of the game back then.

Friendship had been a new piece added to the game. Somewhere along the line, the groups of ponies he had let stay together started forming the curious bond. He had always thought friends just slowed you down when they needed help. He still thought that, but he never thought he might be the one who needed help. When that time had come, nopony lifted a hoof for their magnificent ruler as he had expected. Not a single one of them stood by his side despite all the joy he had surely brought into their lives. Discord’s claws clenched hard.

Those ungrateful little punks.

He had been so confident that at least a few of his subjects would challenge the wannabes Luna and Celestia along with him. Not even one of them stepped up to object to the new fillies in town. Where else would they get their chaos if he wasn’t around to provide the good stuff? What would they do without him?

That was partially why he had been laughing so hard when the Elements of Harmony had hit him the first time. The other reason was disbelief that the elements could truly stop him. He was chaos incarnate. That made him an unstoppable force.

Despite what he believed, it seemed the only one in Discord’s corner was himself

That just hadn’t been enough. So when he had been staring down at Celestia and Luna with their trinkets, he had laughed. He laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. It was the last good laugh he would have for a very long time. Next thing he knew, he was alone and unmoving. Everything had gone dark and cold. The memory alone brought a shiver to his spine.

He still wondered why his back up plan had never sprouted up and freed him. Must have been all that acid he left in the soil.

Discord's eyes lost their distant gaze, as he refocused on the cottage of his one good friend. To his disappointment, Fluttershy wasn’t home to enjoy his chaos with him. Still, Discord preferred being alone at his only real friend’s house than the private chambers Celestia had so generously "gifted” him upon his reformation.

Private chambers? Yeah, right!

He knew he was constantly monitored when he bothered to stay there. Unfortunately, it was also the only place he was allowed to do anything he wanted, chaotically speaking. So his options were limited chaos that wouldn’t bother his friend Fluttershy. Admittedly she let him get away with quite a lot. While the other option was that he could use as much chaos as he wanted within the confines of his own room, which he had taken the liberty to expand to the size of a hoofball field. Except he would be under the dispassionate glare of Celestia the whole time.

Call it crazy, but he really couldn’t stand having every bit of his creativity being constantly judged by Princess Sun Butt. Discord loved to see ponies’ reactions to his chaos. However, when said reactions were always disapproving scowls—not to mention the ridiculous denial of knowing anything about his performances within his so called private room, it was all just so boring

On the other hoof-claw-paw or what have you, this wasn’t much better. Discord was calmly standing on the living room ceiling, snapping away at the potted plants around the cottage and turning them into random things. Sure, it had been fun at first, but now something was missing.

“Ugh, I’m bored,” Discord said.

A bush became a yellow and red eyeball with a pair of comically small legs to waddle around on.

“Boring,” Discord repeated.

A fern on the windowsill flashed into a red and white polka dotted venus flytrap plant with a large tongue hanging out as it panted like a dog.

“Booooring,” Discord said again.

That annoyingly-symmetrical square container of animal feed instead became a much more appealing bear trap. No harm would befall the animals of course. Fluttershy would never forgive him if he caused harm to one of her precious animals, so it was made of rubber. It was still interesting to see the startled reactions of some of the animals who had come over to sniff it, only to be temporarily caught in the squeaky toy’s hold.

“Boring, boring, boring,” Discord sighed.

As Discord tried to find amusement, he transformed the set of greenery in one corner of the room. Their leaves shaped into arms and their roots stuck out of the bottoms of pots. They soon started forming a small triangle with two plants in the middle sporting black and white boxing gloves. The two plants circled each other as the other plants booed and hissed for one or the other to score the first blow. When the first swing made contact, clods of fertilizer were traded between the green spectators. Discord was looking on with a half lidded expression. He absently cleaned his left ear as the illegal plant fight he had created continued. With a heavy sigh, he snapped his claws and everything went back to normal.

He rematerialized on the floor in concordance with gravity. A huge golden time piece dangled in front of him from a chain attached to the ceiling.

“Ugh, shouldn’t she be here by now?” Discord complained. “Maybe if I just wait a little longer she’ll pop in.”

The spirit of chaos’ eyes continued to follow the pendulum motions of the time piece until he heard a gentle knocking at the door.

“Who iiii~iiii~iiss it?” Discord called out in a sing song voice.

“Why, it’s me, you’re best-est friend in the whole wide world!” a feminine voice called back.

The door opened and the voice’s owner greeted Discord with as much enthusiasm as its adorable little body could contain.

“Hi Discord!” the voice said, its words not always matching its mouth movement.

“Good evening Fluttershy! Are you ready to get craaaaaaazy up in here?!” Discord greeted in return.

His body shifted through all the colors one could imagine, akin to a confused chameleon.

“Oh Discord I just can’t do this anymore!” Fluttershy said.

“What is it my dear, Fluttershy?” Discord asked with concern.

“I have to confess my undying love for you! You’re irresistible charisma is just too much for my delicate little heart. Not to mention you’re clever, imaginative and just better than all the others could possibly understand. Marry me you fool!” Fluttershy continued.

The door slammed open and another, slightly lower pitched feminine voice, spoke up.

“Not so fast! I have something to say!” the newcomer yelled.

“Twilight, how could you crash my proposal to Discord?!” Fluttershy protested with an awkward wiggle of her tiny arms.

“I’m sorry Fluttershy, but it’s all clear to me now. Celestia made a mistake allowing any of this to happen!” Twilight said, with an equally awkward wiggle of her arms.

“You mean-?” Fluttershy said.

“Yes,” Twilight said. “I should never have become the main character of this show! I’m just not pretty enough. That honor should have been Discord’s all along! In fact, Celestia and the uh…other one have already stepped down in order to allow Discord to rule unopposed. They also made today national ‘Twilight Sparkle Has a Stupid Name Day’ and I couldn’t agree more.”

“I always knew I was pretty!” Discord said as his eyes watered.

The door to the cottage burst open a third time with nopony actually using it. Pinkie Pie entered, with yet another feminine pitched voice.

“Not so fast Fluttershy, for it is I, Pinkie Pie!” she said.

A spanish guitar went off somewhere in synch with the newest unexpected arrival.

“I must confess my love for Discord as well,” Pinkie said as one of her arms tried to reach up to her brow like Rarity, but only managed to shake up and down.

“But Pinkie, your love for Discord can never be, due to your evil twin brother Rodriguez having stolen the family fortune!” Fluttershy argued.

A copy of Pinkie suddenly arrived wearing a mustache.

“Not so fast! I never stole the family fortune! I was framed by my sister Pinkie. She is the true evil twin,” Rodriguez said.

Discord was jumping on one foot as he used his arms, right leg, and tail, all to operate the puppets he had made of the ponies when he heard a creaking of wood come from his left. The door to the cottage was slightly ajar, as the real Fluttershy peaked inside with an extremely uncomfortable look on her face.

“Hi,” Discord simply stated, still balancing on one leg.

“Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting, it’s just, this is my house and I didn’t know you were over for a visit or that you were busy with, um, I’ll just, come back later, if that’s ok with you,” Fluttershy whispered, slowly closing the door.

The door shut with a quiet click, leaving Discord alone again with the plants, puppets and a newly gathered crowd of animals staring up at him with a variety of smirks. Their looks just screamed at how sad the whole display was.

“Oh, like you could have improvised a better plot twist than Rodriguez not being the evil twin. I can’t work under these conditions,” Discord said.

Discord snapped his claws. In a flash, the puppets were gone and he now wore a pair of jeweled sun glasses and a white t-shirt that read ‘main character’. An open doorway appeared between him and the other animals.

“I’ll be in my trailer,” he finished.

He then slammed the door, causing both it and himself to teleport out of the cottage.

Two and a half seconds later he rematerialized in the library treehouse of one Twilight Sparkle, leader of the Elements of Harmony and the princess’s personal protégé. Discord liked to think of her less as an authority figure to be respected and more of a target for all his most illogical shenanigans. She was also fun to talk to sometimes, when Fluttershy wasn’t around. She tolerated him better than most ━which wasn’t saying much━ and he always knew just what to say to get under the logical mare’s skin. She had been taking notes from a particularly interesting book on how paint dried when the spirit of chaos appeared like a ghost behind her. His face was overcome with a manic grin.

“Hey Twilight!” he screamed into her ear.

Twilight screeched like a filly and clasped onto the nearby ledge of the upper level of her library, “Discord you know I hate that!” She was shaking like a terrified puppy.

Discord put on a mocking expression of surprise and put one eagle talon up to his chin.

“Does that frighten you, Twilight Sparkle? Oh, how forgetful of me. You know my old mind just isn’t what it used to be. It’s always breaking down,” he said.

With that explanation out of his mouth, a plume of smoke escaped out of his ears accompanied by the sound of grinding gears in his head. Reaching a paw in to see what the problem was, Discord pulled out a monkey wrench. It was covered in brown fur and asking for bananas. Discord opened a new door on his torso and threw the monkey wrench inside. It landed next to a jar of dirt and a container of green stuff labeled ‘Gak’.

Twilight had climbed back down to the floor by that point. She glared at Discord in such a way that showed she didn’t want to be bothered by his antics. It went right over his mismatched head of course. Social cues were not his forte, despite the educational efforts of the element bearers.

“Where’s that helper lizard of yours, Twilight? I was expecting him to arrive at any moment to join in on the fun,” Discord asked with a mischievous smile.

Twilight returned to the table with her notes and book. “He went out grocery shopping for a casserole he wanted to make. So what do you want, Discord? I’m very busy right now.”

The smile on Discord’s face faded, as he crossed his arms. “Hmm, seems everypony is too busy to be bothered today. What I want little Twilight is for somepony eager for the honor to spend their day with me. Or is that against the rules set in place by her majesty?”

Twilight was reading while she answered, her quill scrawling furiously on the note pad.

“Oh no,” she said. “That’s perfectly within the rightful limits of your freedom. So long as you don’t force anypony to spend the day with you. If you’re asking if I will go with you, then I’m afraid the answer is no. I’ve been meaning to read this book for awhile now and it fit in with today’s schedule perfectly.”

The spirit floated around her head like a serpentine halo, as he tried to convince her otherwise. “Come now Twilight Sparkle, I’m sure you’ll enjoy a good old-fashioned day of chaos with me much more. Just think of all the amazing things we could do with your brains and my creativity! You point out the logic. I’ll punch the holes in it. If I get too amazing for your little pony brain to comprehend, just utter the word. I’ll dial it back from jabberwocky to flugelhorn. That’s what friends do. Just say you’re ready for fun. Come on, saaay it.”

Twilight’s eyes skimmed left and right across the pages of her book. Her ears didn’t even flick while Discord hovered around her head like a talkative house fly.

“Stop ignoring me,” he complained.

With no response from the unicorn, Discord grabbed her face by the cheeks and tried to make her mimic the words he was saying out of the side of his mouth. It was a very poor imitation of a ventriloquist.His voice was nowhere near close to Twilight’s own. It sounded more like a cartoon mouse than a pony.

“Yes Discord, I’d sure love to have fun with you all day instead of staying at home doing boring stuff like re—” he said before being cut off.

Twilight batted his claws away from her personal space. “Discord, I’m serious! I’m very busy right now! Go bother somepony else.”

Discord held a claw to his chest with a pained expression, but quickly masked it with a sneer. He descended to the floor with his fists clenched.

“Fine, I’ll just go see the pink one instead. It’ll be better than spending time with you! We’ll have blackjack, and an amusement park. In fact, forget the park! I’m gonna go play blackjack!” he said.

With a snap he was gone, leaving Twilight to her book. She wondered if she had been too harsh with Discord, but soon remembered how unfocused he was in general. He’d probably forget all about it and move on in a few minutes. She looked back at her book. Despite its fascinating text on all the different methods to magically dry paint, her eyes scanned the same paragraph ten times. After quite a few more irritating minutes of rereading, she gave up and threw her front hooves up in the air.

“Uuuuuggghh, now I need to find out what the hay blackjack is!” she yelled.

Sugar Cube Corner was a place everypony wanted to be. It had the best sweets in all of Ponyville. It was a friendly place, where one could meet up with friends and just hang out. Its sweets were so renowned that it made semi-regular deliveries to Princess Celestia herself, usually in bulk orders. The staff was friendly and it was overall a pleasant place to visit. It was one specific member of the staff that really drew ponies in: Pinkie Pie. Unfortunately for the business of Sugar Cube Corner, if Pinkie was a lure, then Discord was a giant neon sign that said beware.

“Oh honey, I’m home!” he called out.

All the ponies in Sugar Cube Corner bolted for the door the instant he flashed inside, wearing a brown bus driver’s uniform. The ponies didn’t know what a bus was, but that was beside the point.

“B-b-but I’m already married,” Mrs. Cake said, shaking behind the counter.

Discord looked down at the co-owner of the bakery, appearing all the more terrifying due to his natural height. Discord quickly discarded the flashlight he had been holding under his face.

"Oh sweet Mrs. Cake, you misunderstand. I too am married,” he said.

“You are?” the plump mare asked.

“Of course, I’m married to chaos. Oh I know, chaos isn’t a physical thing, but when you’re a draconequus on the go you inevitably end up married to your work. Now enough idle chit-chat. Where is Pinkie Pie this fine day?” said Discord.

Just then Pinkie Pie burst out of a breadbox on the store counter. “Here I am!”

Mrs. Cake almost had a heart attack from all the spontaneous appearances in her store. Even Discord paused for a split-second before nearly falling over in a fit of giggles. Mrs. Cake took the lull in the mad god’s attention to slip out the back of the bakery. It was as good a time as any to buy fire insurance for her store, as well as insurance against flood, giant robot attack, spontaneous non-existence; the basics when Discord and Pinkie were in the same room.

“Oh, Pinkie your penchant for laughter is nothing short of miraculous,” Discord said between breaths.

While he floated there in his bus driver suit, Pinkie was struggling to free her back hoof that was still stuck in the bread box. Why it was her back hoof that was stuck and not her entire body was anyone's guess.

“Thanks Discord, I’m glad you enjoyed it! My neck fur stood on end and my stomach was gurgle-y so I knew you were about to pop in. Now what can I do for you?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Discord finally stopped laughing long enough to get to the reason for his visit.

“Well, I was bored and everypony else is apparently too busy to worship the ground I occasionally walk on, so I thought I’d pay you a visit. Up for a friendly game of Fizbin?”

Pinkie was momentarily blinded. When she opened her eyes the store was dark, except for a cone of light around the new star shaped table with two mismatched chairs. Discord was shuffling a deck of cards and wearing a card shark hat that shaded his eyes, but held no top to get in the way of his horns. The hat had replaced his previous costume.

“The rules of Fizbin are simple. You want to get two kings and a jack. That’s called a formaldehyde flush except on every other Thursday. That’s when you flush the flush by getting a Mountain Dew Code Red. But never draw any card ranging from 1-5 as that puts you at a disadvantage, except when it’s raining chocolate milk, then you can draw again. Now on the off chance you get all the queens then you need to—” Discord rambled on.

Pinkie raised her hoof like a school filly would to their teacher. “Actually Discord, I have to work today.”

The sound of a record player scratching to a halt filled the air. The lights in the room went back to normal.

Discord’s left eye twitched. “What?”

“When I asked you what I could do for you, I was asking what you wanted to order. I thought it was a good question, since you can just magic up any kind of treat you want. Then I thought to myself, “Pinkie you ask the silly head whether he wants you to make him a cupcake like you should. So I was all like, okay! Then I was going to ask you about the cupcake, but I got side tracked thinking about whether you wanted something besides a cupcake. I thought, maybe you’d like a cinnamon roll more, or maybe you wanted a scone! There are so many things you could order, so I decided— Hey are you alright?” Pinkie Pie said.

Discord had turned away so that his back was to the rambling pony about half-way through her nonsensical speech. All she could see of his face was his flicking ears until he turned around at her last question. She leaned back a bit at his intense smile. He looked like he was going to break a blood vessel from the effort of smiling at the pony. His red pupils were pinpricks on his wide yellow eyes. The left one was still twitching.

“Bitter?! Who said I was bitter? I’m not bitter at all! In fact, I’m feeling peachy keen. So I’ll leave you alone, because your boring job is clearly more fun than me. Because chaos is behind the times and ain’t nopony got time fo’ dat!”

Confusion filled her voice as she responded. “I’m sorry?”

Discord’s face was still stuck as he answered, “No Pinkie Pie, it’s out there, now we have to live with it.” Discord transported out of the store.

Pinkie was rubbing her head. “But, what did I say?”

Meanwhile, ~~at the Legion of Doom~~ at Rarity’s house.

The unicorn was holding a beautiful purple and blue dress, with intricately woven patterns and the most expensive fabrics. Rarity didn’t like to brag, but by Celestia was she good! The dress was perfect. The sweeping gown would enhance Princess Luna’s natural dark beauty. The curves would be noticeable in all the right places without seeming seductive. The sparkle in the lower part of the gown would make her body as gorgeous as her starry mane. She hadn’t slept for two days, but she had finally perfected it. She put it back down on the table next to her sleeping cat Opal. She couldn’t move her precious little kitty, even if Opal was somewhat in the way before. It didn’t matter now though. The dress was finished and it was fabulous.

“So sleepy, but so worth it. Princess Luna will absolutely adore her outfit for the upcoming Grand Galloping Gala. Her first appearance at the gala in centuries and she asks me of all ponies to make it for her. Oh, Rarity you really are reaching for the stars now. Maybe a small nap is in order though,” she said.

She could barely keep her eyes open as she finished her figurative pat on the back. That’s when Discord showed up.

“Hey Rarity, guess who’s next on the list?!” Discord appeared in her workshop with a display of fireworks and a pair of ear rending megaphones in his claws.

One of the fireworks accidently caught fire to Rarity’s dress. Then the smoke turned on the emergency magic sprinklers in the room. That put out the fire on the burnt dress, but agitated Opal into a scratching fit. Rarity’s masterpiece was regrettably the closest thing to Opal. Rarity moved to save what remained of her work. She was quickly attacked by the berserk cat.

“Not the dress, Opal! Not the dress! No Opal not the face either! Not the face!” Rarity screeched.

Eventually the sprinklers stopped. Discord remained fine under the upside down rainbow colored umbrella he had conjured up. Rarity on the other hoof, was soaked. Her beautiful mane was ruined and her face covered with cat scratches. The outfit she had spent so much time and effort tailoring was a blackened, soggy, torn up piece of cloth. It wasn’t fit to be used as a piece of toilet paper, let alone a dress for royalty. Rarity’s eyes contained a fire behind them that was unending, just like her loathing of Discord at that moment.

She pointed a trembling hoof at him and growled, “Get...out!”

Discord eyes opened wide, but he tried to plead his case.

“Hey, no need to sound so bossy. Now look Rarity, I know this may appear bad, but if you really care about that dress soooo much I’ll make you a better one. Besides, who’s to blame here really? I mean, when you think about it, it was that flea bag of yours that butchered your face and that dress. If anything, you should be blaming that fluffy feline of yours. Not to mention, it was you who decided to own such a rotten pet. So technically, this all your fault,” he said.

Rarity said only one word, “Elements."

Discord's back went rigid. He shut up by sealing his mouth with a zipper and snapping his way out of there as fast as he could.

Rainbow Dash might not have been the first choice for Discord to have fun with, but at least he wasn’t trapped with Rarity anymore. He was only allowed to interact with others as long as one of the element bearers or an escort from the princess was watching him. If he disappeared for more than a nanosecond, he’d be turned back to stone faster than he could say ‘I guess I’ve hit rock bottom’. He was a stone’s throw from biting the dust and he couldn’t stand being stuck between a rock and hard place. Discord paused before knocking on Rainbow’s door. Perhaps it was time to call it a day, lest he anger more of the element bearers.

He shrugged. "Nah."

These ponies are surprisingly anti-social. Is a little forced company too much to ask for? What about all that friendship noise they keep going on about? Hypocrites.

He politely knocked on the door with his tail. Each chaotic knock was a different sound. First it was a dog bark, then it was shattering glass, then it was a kazoo noise. Discord’s ears perked up as he heard a fourth sound that wasn’t his. It was the subtle whoosh sound of air.

“Drafty up here,” he said.

He knocked on the door harder than before and with louder sounds accompanying them. “Oh Rainbow Dash, an all powerful spirit of disharmony and chaos is knocking at your door. Better open up already!”

He wasn’t waiting for her to open the door anymore. Instead of flashing his way in he decided on the direct approach.

He crashed through the side wall of her house bellowing, “Oh yeah!” as he did.

The radical guitar strum he had made when he plowed his way through the cloud wall was the only sound that accompanied his entrance. His wide smile shrunk. Discord had expected a gasp of surprise at the very least. The only clue that hinted Rainbow Dash was ever here was the hastily scrawled note left on the living room table. Discord picked it up. The hoof writing was wavy and the words were poorly spelled, but he had seen much worse.

“Gon grossaree sopping” read the note.

Discord lowered the note that was blocking the view of his face to reveal a set jaw, wrinkled forehead and eyes squeezed shut. His lion paw went up to his face and pushed it inward. It was as if someone had taken a giant pencil and erased all of his facial features. His body then proceeded to flip out. No magic or sound accompanied his spasms except for the muffled noise of shouting, hollering, and a string of words so foul not even the saltiest of sailors would repeat them. After about ten solid minutes of writhing in aggravation he pulled his face back out. Now he looked more bored and serious than his usual demeanor would permit.

“I’m beginning to sense a theme here,” he said.

Discord looked out one of the many windows of the house and saw the sun was beginning to set in its predictable fashion. A dazzling array of oranges and reds painted the sky. With nopony around he allowed his guard to drop along with his posture. His loneliness felt raw since he had such a separate point of reference to compare it too. At least when he was in stone he hadn’t yet known what friendship felt like. It made being alone feel slightly less like a punishment and more like a penalty after drawing a particularly bad hand at Fizbin.

"Huhhhgh..." he sighed. Ignorance was truly bliss.

Discord slapped himself, causing his head to go in circles like the hand of an out of control clock. He grabbed his head with both of his mismatched limbs as it rotated back to its usual angle.

“Come on now! You’re Discord, manipulator of reality, former ruler of all of Equestria, king of chaos, the maddest god of all the mad gods!” he cheered to himself.

He snapped his claw and a copy of himself wearing an olive drab military uniform was standing next to him chomping a candy cigar.

“Reality is nothing to you soldier! You don’t get sad, you get crazy!” Military Discord yelled.

“I’m so crazy right now!” Discord yelled.

“You don’t get mad; you get even crazier than before!” Military Discord yelled.

“I’m already hearing voices!” Discord yelled.

“How crazy are you?!” Military Discord yelled.

“Two plus two equals fish!” Discord yelled.

“That’s not crazy enough!” Military Discord yelled.

“I’m gonna burn their families and rape their houses!”

Military Discord cringed a little. He positioned two eagle talons like he was holding a coin between them. “Maybe dial it back a bit.”

“Asylums are my summer vacation homes!” Discord yelled.

“Dang straight! You’ve got to believe in the chaos! Now you go out there, and show them what you’re made of!” Military Discord finished before vanishing.

“Yes, I believe!” Discord shouted with renewed vigor.

He ran to the nearest window, jumped out of it, and shouted, “I believe I can flyyyyyy!”

The wind rushed passed Discord’s body as he fell through the air with his arms and ears, but not his wings, flapping like a bird. His closed eyes and goofy grin displayed his enthusiasm for the world to see. A grey colored rainbow trail flowed like paint behind him, tracing his flight path, as he pulled up before crashing into the dirt. He glided his way to the Apple family orchard just inches above the ground.

“To the silly pony’s farm,” Discord proclaimed.

Then he hit a tree, with a loud THWACK , face first.

Author's Note

Boy, Discord sure is having a tough time today. I know how that feels. Picture at the top is from the famous Discorderly Conduct blog.

Oh, look at that. Right on the same day as the Three's a Crowd Discord episode. So how did I do for my first attempt at a light comedy adventure starring Discord? Be sure to leave comments and feedback! That's why this story is in the "I just want a comment" group. Let me know if I've butchered Discord's character, the jokes, the english language, or anything else. If I have, then I apologize. I'm trying here. Special thanks to Jaestring and Vibrant lies for last minute help!

Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!

It had been three days since Fluttershy had walked in on Discord being, well, Discord. She hadn’t expected his surprise visit. Things had gotten awkward. At least, it had been awkward for Fluttershy. Whether it felt the same for Discord was anypony’s guess.

She had asked him before about those surprise visits, but Discord dismissed her concern with his usual tact. He’d said that if he couldn’t even so much as show up unexpectedly, then they might as well turn him back to stone right then.

Of course, it didn’t help things that his visits tended to be as ill timed as possible. Once, he had popped in while she had a severe cold. Discord’s idea of recuperation included far too many rollercoasters and junk food for her tastes. “Fight flu with fun,” he’d said.

Fluttershy released a wide yawn, thinking of the last few nights she had struggled with the covers in her bed. She –once again– tried to push away the nagging thought that she had driven Discord away. He should have arrived to visit her by now. If the last meeting was an indication of things, then perhaps she had embarrassed him by walking into a private moment with his puppets. For all that she knew, he was upset with her for not asking to participate. Discord was a puzzle that could never be solved. It was a fitting description for the spirit of chaos.

With a sigh, Fluttershy said “I wish I understood him.”

While walking through her cottage she felt a fluffy lump touch her hoof, before nearly losing balance in her sleep deprived state. She almost didn’t catch herself before her face hit the hard wooden floor.

“Oh, I’m-” she yawned “-so sorry, Angel. I didn’t look where I was going. I’ve just been so sleepy. Angel?”

To her surprise, her pet rabbit wasn’t throwing a fit, or even mildly annoyed. Instead his face was on the ground. His tiny torso was rising and falling slowly. Fluttershy’s face scrunched up with confusion. Angel was usually such an energetic little bunny. It wasn’t like him to still be asleep at this time, in the middle of the floor.

“Angel? It’s time to wake up now sweetie,” she said.

Still groggy, Angel barely managed to lift his head up.

His responding noise could only be interpreted as “Lady, I don’t want to hear it!”

“Aw, don’t be a sourpuss, Angel. If it’ll help, I’ll make you some of that special carrot tea. That always perks you right up,” Fluttershy said.

The rabbit looked less than amused, but hopped after his owner to the kitchen anyway. Well, hopped isn’t the right word. It would be more accurate to say he dragged himself across the floor with his two front paws, moaning like a zombie. In the kitchen Fluttershy already held a cup of tea in her left wing for him. It was orange tinted, with a baby carrot sticking out like a stirrer. In her other wing was a more normal looking cup of tea.

Fluttershy offered the carrot tea to him. He took it from her with as much haste as his fatigued state would permit.

“I take it you had a rough night too, Angel?” Fluttershy asked.

The bloodshot stink eye she got for her inquiry was all the answer she needed. The two of them jumped when a loud knocking came from the door. The pegasus set down her cup of tea on a table and tiptoed to the door. She opened it just enough to peer beyond the portal. Palettes of purple, orange, and blue rested beyond the door.

“Oh, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, what are you all doing here?” Fluttershy lowered her head, but maintained eye contact. “Not that I don’t want you here. I just wasn’t expecting so many guests all at once. Would you like to come in?” Fluttershy asked, after opening the door the rest of the way.

The expression on her friend’s faces didn’t speak of an intended social call. They looked tense. Rainbow wasn’t even hovering so she could exercise her wings. Judging from the bags under their eyes, Twilight and Rainbow Dash were pretty exhausted. Applejack’s movements weren’t as sluggish, but she looked rather irritable.

Twilight sparkle spoke up first. “We don’t have time for that, I’m afraid. I got a letter from the princesses to gather the other Elements of Harmony. We’re to meet them at the castle as soon as we can.”

Applejack noticed the slight tilt of her timid friend’s head. She put a hoof over Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Sugercube, have you been outside your cottage recently?”

“Not since a couple of days ago. I’ve been rather busy trying to get my animal friends to get enough sleep. They’ve been so tired and cranky lately,” Fluttershy said.

The other three mares traded knowing and disheartened looks before facing Fluttershy again.

Rainbow Dash held a hoof in front of her and spoke. “Well if you had been out lately, then you would have noticed nopony else is getting a good night’s sleep either. There are also rumors floating around that some ponies have started seeing things.”

“Which is probably what the princesses want to talk about with us,” Twilight said.

Fluttershy’s forehead wrinkled. “That is strange, but I haven’t had that much trouble sleeping. I don’t remember seeing anything out of the ordinary either. Have any of you seen things?”

Applejack looked away and tapped her chin. “Ah haven’t seen nothin’ weird myself. Ah don’t usually remember my dreams anyway. All this lack of sleep is really not helping with my work though. Ah can barely get more then a wink’s worth. It’s getting’ kinda frustratin’. What about you two?”

Twilight hummed briefly while looking down. “I have been feeling pretty restless. None of my sleeping agents or spells has helped. I’ve been having some pretty crazy nightmares too. There was one time when I was studying that I thought I saw a strange shadow. I was hoping I was just having some rough nights.”

“I’ve been getting no sleep at all actually,” -Rainbow Dash shrugged- “This is my third solid day without sleep. It’s not a huge deal since I can handle it, but I could see how it might drive others a little batty.”

As soon as she finished her sentence, her head drooped down and she started to lightly snore while still managing to stay on her hooves. Applejack rapidly shook her friend’s body side to side. Rainbow’s head jerked back up and looked around in a daze.

“Huhbwa?! I-I’m good! I’m awake. I’m fine,” she said.

Applejack closed her eyes and shook her head.

“It’s been like this since we found her,” Twilight explained.

Fluttershy could feel her heart thump in her chest faster then Angle Bunny’s leg when she scratched him behind the ears. “Oh my, this does sound pretty serious.”

“Don’t worry Fluttershy. That’s why we’re going to Canterlot Castle. If anypony knows what’s wrong and how to fix this, it’ll be Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.” Twilight proclaimed.

“Alright, let me just tell Angel I’ll be gone,” Fluttershy said.

She turned around in the door way to tell the little bunny the news. He was face first in his now empty tea cup, snoring away. Fluttershy’s heart melted at the sight. A few minutes later and she was gone, while he was asleep in his favorite spot on the couch.

Not five minutes later, Angel woke up with a shriek. Hazy images of being turned into a carrot that was about to be eaten by a giant, rabbit version of Discord plummeted out of his mind’s eye and into an abyss. He massaged his head to try ridding himself of the leftover memories. Then he rubbed his eyes to clear the weariness. When he opened them, with a temporary boost of lucidity, he noticed a sticky note stuck on the side of the couch. He pulled it off and read it. Fluttershy was gone and he was going to have the cottage to himself for the rest of the day. Angel found himself wishing he could enjoy this turn of events, but he was far too tired to care.

The idea of more sleep made his fur stand on end. So he forced himself to stay awake on the couch. His back went stiff and his muscles tensed as he did his best to keep his eyes open. He was starting to get the hang of imitating a statue when he fell backwards. Light snoring filled the tranquil air of the cottage.

He felt a strong paw grab him by the scruff of his neck. He was hurled into a blender by a gargantuan Discord that left him feeling like an ant. The spirit was wearing gold neck chains, a sideways cap, and his snaggle tooth was also made of gold.

“Yo Angel, I heard you like carrots! So I’m gonna mix you in with a carrot smoothie, so you can be surrounded by carrots while you eat yo carrots!”

He pressed the ‘on’ button the same time as when Angel woke up screaming. The cycle of struggling to stay awake, falling back asleep, then having a horrifying carrot and Discord related nightmare would keep going until Fluttershy eventually returned home.

Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight had arrived at Sugercube Corner to retrieve Pinkie Pie. When they traveled through the doorway they were surprised to find the store was in a state of pandemonium. Customers filled the bakery almost to capacity. The room was filled with the agitated murmuring of its occupants. Most of them held cups of coffee or sugary sweets in their hooves. All of them looked like they were either struggling to stay awake or wanted to beat up the nearest pony.

Behind the counter, Mr. and Mrs. Cake were completely overwhelmed. Their manes were all over the place. There were bags under the bags under their eyes. They fumbled with the various baked goods and coffee. Every other minute Mrs. Cake would drop something. Mrs. Cake was doing most of the bakery work and had a wild look about her. She would have looked more fitting in a mental hospital. Practically every motion of hers was inflexible and stiff. Mr. Cake was just as bad, sitting down and rocking in one corner of the room. All he was missing was a straitjacket. Held in his arms were the Cake twins. They were crying at the top of their lungs. The lanky stallion joined them in their wailing.

“Please, please, please will you just go to slee-hee-heeeep? That’s all I aaahaaahaaask! Why won’t you go to sleep?” Mr. Cake sobbed.

The babies continued to wail. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!”

Suddenly, yelling erupted from a pair of ponies at one of the tables nearest to the door. One was a blue and silver maned unicorn stallion and the other was a red maned and cream colored earth mare.

“Hey, that was my cup of coffee you just drank, again! Now I have to buy another one!” the stallion complained.

“Well, you shouldn’t have put it on my side of the table,” the mare countered.

“So you just go and drink anything that’s put in front of you? Well then, why don’t I just put a gallon of yellow paint in front of you? Maybe that will brighten up that lousy mood you’ve had lately,” the stallion said with a wave of his hooves.

The mare pointed an accusatory hoof at the stallion. “You’re the one with the lousy mood! All you’ve done today is act like you don’t want me around.”

“You’re the one who invited me to spend the day together.” The stallion gestured at himself. “Then you have me pay for all the coffee! Do I look like I’m made of bits to you? Of course not! If I were you wouldn’t be hanging around me anymore. You’ve already bitten my head off.” the stallion yelled.

“I told you I forgot my bits at home! Stop being such a jerk about it!” the mare retorted.

“Liar!” the stallion punctuated his word with a hoof slam to the table.

“Will you two just shut up already?!” a different stallion in a beekeeper uniform yelled. “Do you have any idea how stressful it is to calm down several hives of restless, angry honey bees?!”

“Mind your own beeswax bub!” all the other customers yelled.

“Gee wiz, I didn’t think things were gettin’ this bad,” Applejack said.

“All the more reason for us to get Pinkie and Rarity, then meet up with the Princesses.” Twilight gave a sideways glance to Applejack.

She stepped up to the counter and rang the bell. “Mrs. Cake, we’re here to see Pinkie. Is she in right now?”

Mrs. Cake wasn’t really listening. She stared at Twilight with dull and distant eyes. Occasionally she would mumble something under her breath. It sounded like she was listing off ingredients. Of course, that was only when she was mumbling anything coherent at all.

She ignored Twilight’s question and trotted over to the new magic coffee machine. She and her husband had ordered it recently. The machine was undergoing a stress test from the constant use. Mrs. Cake turned it on again, only for the appliance to sputter like a broken engine. Smoke erupted out of its top.

Twilight attempted conversation again, while the older mare banged the coffee maker with a stale baguette like a primitive cave-pony. “Mrs. Cake, it’s me, Twilight Sparkle. I wanted to know if Pinkie Pie is here or not.”

Mrs. Cake’s reply was less then intelligible. “Its okay, the vanilla extract doesn’t need the cupcake money.”

“What?” Twilight said with one raised eyebrow.

“I, with the thing, and the other thing. The rocks exploded with the chew toy. Here’s your change,” Mrs. Cake continued.

She put a scone on the counter like it was supposed to be Twilight’s afore mentioned change. Twilight’s frustration tangled in her chest. She slammed a hoof down on the counter, causing the baker to jump.

“Mrs. Cake, will you please listen to me!” Twilight said, just short of shouting.

After the little scare, Mrs. Cake looked at Twilight. Her eyes widened with recognition before nearly closing again with fatigue.

“Oh hello dearie. When did you get here?” she asked.

Twilight looked over her shoulder to her friends. They just gave various expressions of uncertainty and shrugged.

“Uh, I’ve been here for the last couple of minutes actually. You gave me a scone as change for something I didn’t order,” she said, turning her head back to the baker.

A blush cascaded across the baker’s blue cheeks, “Oh, so sorry, we’ve both just been so tired the last few days. The twins absolutely refuse to fall asleep no matter what we do. Oh, but just listen to me. What’ll you have Twilight? Coffee like everypony else I assume.”

“Actually we’re trying to find Pinkie Pie and Rarity. We’re all going to Canterlot to see if we can get this whole insomnia problem fixed.” Twilight said.

Mrs. Cake’s ears moved straight up and a small smile showed itself.

“Well that’s the first good news I’ve heard in a while,” she said, before her smile faded. “I didn’t know this was some sort of epidemic. Pinkie hasn’t been getting any sleep either Twilight. She’s not, err, acting like her normal self. You’ll find her in her room upstairs.”

Twilight and her friend’s pupils all shrank from the way Mrs. Cake used the word “normal”. Nodding in thanks, the four of them trotted up the narrow stairs. Rainbow Dash in particular had a timid nature to her steps as they got closer to Pinkie’s room. At the end of the hallway nothing looked out of place, but the usual party type noises or frequent hopping thuds couldn’t be heard.

Applejack knocked on the door. “Pinkie Pie, you in there? It’s AJ. Can we come in?”

“Sure, let yourselves in! Just be careful not to trip on Dora,” Pinkie Pie called through the door.

“Who the hay is Dorauaaah oof!” Applejack started to say before getting her hoof caught on something and falling flat on her face.

“Aww, AJ, I told you not to trip on her, and it’s pronounced Dora, not Doruahoof,” Pinkie said.

Twilight, Fluttershy and Rainbow all hesitantly filed into the room and around Applejack. They didn’t want to damage her pride anymore than need be; she picked herself up and dusted herself off. Looking at her hooves she picked up what looked to be a small pink rock. She glared at it for a moment. Pinkie Pie was sitting at a wood table in the middle of the room with a pointy party hat on her poofy haired head. She was surrounded by inanimate objects that wore identical party hats. Rainbow Dash gulped.

“Gosh darn it, Pinkie Pie! Why did ya go putting a rock in the middle of the doorway?” Applejack said. Her voice sounded a little harsher to her ears then she intended.

“Sorry, she just likes to hang out near doors. Let me introduce you! Dora, these are my pony friends. Everypony, this is Dora the door stop. She’s the adventurous type with a passion for learning about new cultures!” Pinkie said, with a slight twitch to her eye.

“Uuuuuuh…” was all the other ponies had to say.

The poofy haired pony bounced over to them. Taking Twilight’s face in her hooves, Pinkie Pie squished her cheeks together as she eagerly began speaking.

“You girls won’t believe this! Just this morning, I found out that I’m an inanimate object whisperer! All this time I thought I could only throw parties for my friends, my pet Gummy, everypony in town, everypony else’s pets in town, random strangers, and the occasional pony delivering a restraining order. But I never thought that inanimate objects wanted to party with me, well except for that one time when I forgot about my own birthday.” Pinkie’s eye twitched again.

Fluttershy cowered behind Rainbow Dash whose eyes kept darting from her friends to the exit. Twilight wiggled her way out of Pinkie’s grasp and went quiet as she tried to figure out how to even approach the metaphorical elephant in the room. Applejack beat her to the punch, in her less then elegant manner.

“Uh, Pinkie, random stuff can’t talk. You feelin’ alright?” Applejack said.

Pinkie’s forelegs flailed in the air like boneless noodles as she explained. “You girls don’t get it! Only I can hear them. I’ve been chosen by the party god to be the party loving voice for all the inanimate objects who like to party! By the way Applejack, I really like your hat. I never realized it was interested in magic.”

Everypony else in the room was oblivious to it, but to Pinkie it was all clear as day. Her pink tinted vision focused on Applejack’s stetson hat. It possessed a gruff looking face reminiscent of the folds in a burlap sack. Here ears picked up the words that eluded the others.

“Hufflepuff! Hufflepuff! This one needs to go to the wizard house of Hufflepuff! Why isn’t anyone listening to me? Also, would it kill you to buy some dandruff shampoo? I’m brim deep in snowflakes up here,” said Applejack’s hat.

Before the others could say anything, Pinkie gasped and raised a hoof in the air, her tail wagging.

“Oh-oh, I forgot to introduce the other party members here! Silly me,” she zipped over to the table where the other random objects sat on stools.

She pushed all the stools together, so that they were lined up in front of the other ponies.

“You already met Dora the door stop.” She held up the pink rock in her hoof like a trophy.

“Vamonos Pinkie! Do you want to go on an adventure with me after this?” Dora asked.

“Sure, but later. Okay girls, over here is my other new friend Lincoln the Log. He’s kind of a downer sometimes though,” Pinkie said.

“Four score and seven years ago my father was a tree. Then he got wood rot and died. It was very sad,” said the short log.

“Over here is Bubba the soap bar. He says he used to work at a dungeon,” Pinkie said.

“Yo! Hey! Whatever you do, don’t drop me in da shower, or things ‘bout to get real uncomfortable round ‘ere,” said Bubba.

“And last, but not least, here is my friend Boxy Brown. He’s so super duper fantastic, he knows everything! Plus, he and Gummy get along so well. Say hello Boxy,” Pinkie said.

On the last stool was a small cardboard box with a fake afro glued to its top. Drawn in crayon was its face that resembled a bad seventies disco star, mustache and gold neck chains included. When Pinkie heard it talk its voice came out deep and oh so smooth.

“Mmmm look at all these foxy mommas. Ain’t never seen so many fiiine looking ladies in one room before. Awww yeah. Heh, you know what I’m saying, Pinks?” Boxy Brown said.

There was a brief pause from everypony in the room.

“Not really, no,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Well let me break it down for ya! You know when a foxy lady and a rugged fella get together? Well, after that the they—”

There was another pause and another awkward silence for eveypony but Pinkie.

“What?! I mean, I don’t know about that Mr. Boxy. I mean, I’ve seen colt and filly friends kissing in the park, but they don’t do that,” Pinkie said.

“Well then maybe you invite your groovy friends over for a private party and I’ll show you what it’s all about. Mmm-hmm,” Pinkie heard Boxy say.

Twilight and the others looked at each other with confused expressions.

“Uh Pinkie, when was the last time you had any sleep?” Twilight asked.

Her voice brought Pinkie out of the trance she was in while talking to the box. She blinked a few times –trying to process the question– before turning her head to Twilight.

“Sleep? I can’t remember the last time I did that. I’ve been so busy giving all the things in town overdue welcome to Ponyville parties that I haven’t had time. I’ve had to make all the parties smaller and faster. I call it speed partying. After this, I have to feed the dust bunnies under my bed and then it’s on to another party. I don’t need sleep anyway since I found out about Red Minotaur,” she said.

Fluttershy piped up for the first time since they had arrived. “What’s Red Minotaur?”

Pinkie tossed a can at her, but the timid pegasus ducked behind her braver counterpart Rainbow Dash, who caught it with a hoof. It was a tin can with a red minotaur’s head printed on it. Dash focused on the can. Her eyes went wide.

“I had this dream a few days ago where a crazy old hermit pony told me to go buy this energy drink and when I did, I found out about my inanimate objects whisperer powers. Pretty neat huh,” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Pinkie Pie, do you have any idea how much caffeine is in these? How often have you been drinking these thi-” Rainbow tried to finish saying before she fell asleep standing up again.

While Fluttershy tried to wake her back up with far too gentle a shake, Pinkie Pie started bouncing around them all. She was acting like a pink land shark that needed a trip to the psychiatrist.

“I’ve been drinking these every two hours!” Pinkie said in a singsong tone.

Twilight Sparkle’s ears perked up. She inhaled sharply and ran up to Pinkie and held her face in her hooves to stop her bouncing.

“Pinkie Pie,” she said, “did you say that you’ve been doing this because of a dream? Was this dream about three days ago?”

“Well now that you mention it, yeah. How’d you know? Was your Twilight sense sparkling?” Pinkie replied.

“No. What? Okay, if I had any doubts before I certainly don’t now. Some kind of disturbance is causing ponies to have trouble sleeping. Something is very wrong about this. Let’s go get Rarity and get to Canterlot as soon as we can,” Twilight said with a stern look.

The others gave various kinds of agreement before leaving Pinkie’s room. Exiting last, Applejack tripped on something and fell flat on her face. Getting up, she rubbed her reddened nose. Looking down, she saw what had caused her to trip for the second time. It was Dora the door stop again. How had it even gotten back over to the doorway?

Applejack growled then threw the pink rock across the room. The door stop ricocheted off the ceiling, then the wall, then Boxy Brown who fell to the floor, then finally hit Applejack in the head.

“Ouch!” she yelped.

For a moment she thought she could actually hear voices, or maybe that was the ringing in her ears.

“Aw naw! Is Boxy Brown gonna have to smack a rock?” said the cardboard box.

“I didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident. Honesto!” Dora said.

“The best way to destroy an enemy is to make them your friend Brown. That, or setting them on fire. That’s how my mother died,” Lincoln the log said.

“Well, I know how I'm gonna feel better. Hey you, the southern fried honey in the hat, come over here and give Boxy Brown some sugar.” Boxy said.

At that moment, Gummy the alligator sauntered in. He headed straight for Boxy Brown.

“Ah no, not this boy again. Don’t you come near Boxy Brown with that filthy mouth of yours. Uh-uh, I ain’t having none o’ yo sass today,” he said.

Gummy either ignored him, couldn’t hear him, or was just wasn’t smart enough to understand. Whatever the case, Gummy put his slimy jaws around Boxy Brown and started slobbering away.

“Uh oh, we getting freaky up in here now,” Bubba the soap bar said.

The door to Pinkie’s room shut with a resounding slam.

The five ponies later reached Rarity’s house and boutique. Everything looked normal from the outside, then again, so had Pinkie's room.

Twilight let out a long sigh. “Okay everypony. Let’s get Rarity so we can put a stop to the entire town’s craziness.” She swiveled her head to the right. “Pinkie, stop talking to the rocks!”

“Sorry,” Pinkie said.

“Let’s just go,” Twilight said.

As soon as those words left Twilight Sparkle’s lips, there was a high-pitched scream that could be heard by the deaf.

“Rarity!” all of the ponies yelled.

Rainbow Dash was a rocket, bursting though the door, ready to tackle any threat. Her puffed out chest and aggressive flapping both stopped as soon as she looked around. Rarity was screaming all right, but her home was perfectly fine. All the dresses were on display. The walls and floors were spotless. Not a thing was out of place, except for Rarity herself. The bags under her eyes and her frayed mane revealed how much sleep she needed and had been denied recently. She was dancing on a stool in the center of the room like she had just seen a giant rat. She held a frying pan in her magical grasp the same way a knight would hold his spear out against an encroaching dragon.

“Back, back I say!” Rarity warned.

“Rarity, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Fluttershy asked.

The crazed unicorn looked up. Her balance wavered from her jarring movement. “Fluttershy?” The stool she was on began rocking and fell over, taking Rarity with it. She started screaming again. Jogging in place, she waved her frying pan around like a mad mare.

“Eww, they’re touching me! Oh Celestia, they’re everywhere! Girls we have to get out of here! Eww, eww, eww!” she yelled.

Twilight and the others looked to each other for answers. There were none. Pinkie squinted to in an attempt to see what Rarity was so afraid of.

Before any of them could utter more then the word “what”, the unicorn had magically shoved them all into a very large burlap sack. She tied the end and dragged them with her to the upstairs room. Unfortunately for the ponies inside the bag, she was not strong enough in her magic to do more then drag all five of them across the floor, and the stairs.

Twilight’s muffled call fought to be heard through the fabric. “Rarity, what are you doing?! Let us out of here! Oof, will you girs please stop jabbing me in the ribs.”

Applejack spit Fluttershy’s hoof out of her mouth and tried to push the others away. “Hey, don’t ya’ll go blaming me! It’s Rarity who’s gone off the deep end and foalnaped us in the first place. Besides, Rainbow is the one doing the kicking!”

“I am not!” Rainbow almost succeeded in throwing her hooves out in denial, but hit Applejack and Twilight both in the guts instead. “Just teleport us out of here already Twilight. I don’t do well in tight spaces. Is it getting hard to breathe in here?”

Pinkie Pie started hyperventilating. “The bag just ate us! I think I can feel myself being digested. If only I had packed pepper with me to make it sneeze!”

Fluttershy just quietly cowered on her side of the sack.

Outside the bag, Rarity pulled her impromptu passengers and cooking wear weapon into her bedroom. She locked the door behind her. She could hear her friends arguing.

“Rainbow Dash, stop hitting me! Pinkie, be quite!” Applejack said.

“Somepony let me out of here! I’m can’t breath!” Dash said.

“Oh no, we’re both named after food! Twilight hurry up and get me and Applejack out of here or we’ll be the first ones to be digested, especially her, because she’s filled with fiber!” Pinkie said.

“Will you all just be quite for one minute so I can concentrate? I can’t teleport if I can’t concentrate!” Twilight said.

Rarity untied the rope around the bag’s opening and dumped her pals unceremoniously onto the floor. After a series of less then graceful ‘oof’s, Applejack got up first to yell at Rarity.

Applejack stamped her hooves on the ground. “What in the name of nonsense is wrong with you, Rarity! Uuuaagh! If I weren’t not so tired and you weren’t my friend while I’m not tired I don’t even know what I should do!”

Twilight tried and failed to rub away the rapidly heightening headache of hers. “Applejack, I’ll explain all the things wrong with that sentence later, For now,what the hey Rarity!”

Rarity responded with what was perhaps the loudest shush in history.

“Not so loud or they’ll hear you!” Her whisper was more of a low-pitched yell then actual whispering.

Twilight face-hoofed: this did nothing to relieve her headache. “Ugh, do we really have to go through this again?” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay Rarity, who will hear us? Is it the furniture, changlings, maybe the Sassquash is listening?”

Applejack shot the bookworm a glare without her noticing, at the mention of a Sassquash.

Rarity took no notice of the tone in Twilight’s voice. She frantically ran to every corner of the room, examining every lock, whether it was on the door, windows, or even the jewelry box next to her bed. She nodded at each lock before going through the entire routine again.

“It’s not a who, dear Twilight, but what I’m afraid will hear us. Did you not see all those icky, green blobs down there? They touch everything and leave trials behind them made of Celestia knows what! Even worse, they seem to be impossible to get rid of. I’m telling you my boutique is infested by living slime! Its worse then the year Sweetie Belle brought home a box of pet snails!” she said.

Not even knowing where to begin, Twilight decided the best course of action would to be to explain things in a calm and rational manner. “Rarity, nothing you’re seeing is real."

The fashionista froze in mid trot. “What?!”

“What I mean by that is, you’re suffering from the same basic problem as everypony else in town,” Twilight continued. “Granted, yours is apparently one of the more severe cases. In case you didn’t know, ponies all over town are getting grumpy-” Applejack snorted while looking away from the group. “-sleepy-” Rainbow Dash made a loud snore, having fallen asleep again. “-craz-err, I mean, happy? Yeah, let’s go with happy,” Pinkie Pie waved her hoof in the air when Twilight pointed to her. “-and I’ll be the first to admit I’ve had difficulty focusing.”

“That makes her Dopy! So Fluttershy gets to play Bashful and Rarity can play Sneezy and Doc at the same time!” Pinkie interrupted.

The others –that were awake anyway– looked at Pinkie, wearing raised eyebrows and frowns.

“Pinkie Pie if you don’t mind, I’m asking ya to please keep yer ramblin’ down fer now. The big ponies are trying ta talk here,” Applejack said.

“Fiiiiine,” Pinkie poked the hat on a rack next to her. “That’s the last time I take joke suggestions from a fedora named Fink.”

Twilight groaned before trying to get the conversation back on track. “Shoot, I lost my train of thought. The point is Rarity, that everypony is having all kinds of problems since about three days ago from lack of sleep,”

Rarity interrupted Twilight with a shriek. “They’re squeezing under the doorframe! They’re squeezing under the doorframe!!! Aaaaaahhh!!! Zap them, Twilight! Zap them! They’re right there!”

Twilight scanned the room. “I don’t even know what I’m looking at. There’s nothing here!”

Pinkie jumped on Twilight’s back and grabbed her tail with her hooves like a crank. “Don’t worry about aiming silly; just shoot in every direction at once and you don’t have to know where the targets are!”

She twisted Twilight’s tail around as fast as she could. Lasers shot out of the unicorn’s horn in all directions. It was akin to a very painful lightshow with an emphasis on the color purple.

One of the lasers ricocheted off of the window behind Dash and zapped her in the flank. This, of course, woke her up and freaked her out. “We’re under attack!” She then proceeded to fly around the room like a drunk, randomly crashing into things. Fluttershy tried to talk her pegasus friend down, except her hushed voice could hardly be heard over all the screaming.

“No Pinkie, over there! There’s one over by the bed! Oh Celestia, they’re coming though the ceiling! Shoot faster!” Rarity screamed while pointing at every corner of the room.

“Pinkie stop! How are you even doing that?! Quit it!” The unicorn turned gatling gun started bucking in an attempt to dislodge her crazed friend. This only made the shots go wild even more. Miraculously, nopony was getting shot.

Rarity had entered another screeching fit when there was a loud metallic clunk. Everpony’s heads turned to Rarity. She fell down, eyes crossed. Directly behind her was Applejack, holding the frying pan in her teeth.

“Ah think that’s enough crazy fer today,” she said before spitting out the frying pan.

The others could only shrug. At least the worst was behind them now...probably.

Author's Note

What's this? It's alive? It's alive!! It's aliiiiive!!! Yes, it's back from the dead again. This story has officially become a zombie thanks to the neighcronomicon.

I'd credit the person who made the picture at the top, but I have no idea where it came from. It just seemed appropriate.
On a more serious note, I've understandably lost my editors a long time ago. Thankfully they did work on the beginning of this chapter. I've done my best to get it to a decent enough shape to see the light of day. It's been entering and leaving the "finished" state for nearly a year now.

I've realized recently though that I'm always going to be evolving as a writer if I keep at it, and that means I'll always come back to a chapter or story and realize I can do better. However, if I want to get any sort of story out before I'm growing grey hair out of my ears, I'll just have to suck it up and learn from my mistakes later. Nothing is perfect, especially not this story. So I simply ask that you all enjoy it for what it is and give it a chance.

P.S. I never left the fandom, I just went off the grid for awhile. I blame Discord.

Fact: This is a Not a Chapter This is an Apple

Applejack headed home from another successful day of apple bucking, with her brother by her side. The edge of the sun slowly disappeared over the horizon, leaving vibrant oranges and reds in its wake. Being with her kin brought a spring to her every step; it bounced even higher when she saw Granny Smith and Apple Bloom on the front porch of the farm, waving at her.

“Hi, Applejack. Hi, Big Mac.” Apple Bloom happily greeted.

“Hey there, youngins. How was harvestin’ today?” Granny Smith welcomed with a nonchalant wave of her hoof.

“It’s going great. We got the whole west orchard finished today. Isn’t that right, Big Mac?”

“Eeyup.”

“So what ya got cooking, Granny? Ah sure am starved,” Applejack asked, her stomach grumbling in agreement.

The conversation between the three of them continued, and Apple Bloom’s attention soon wandered off when she couldn’t find anything to say. They seemed lost in their own little world, so she decided to view the rest of it while the sky formed streaks of purple. She noticed a flash of white light behind the tree line. The gears in her head turned and her eyes narrowed. The hobbling and erratic movement of long serpentine limbs sent a chill up her spine.

“-so Apple Bloom decided she wanted ta help me instead of going off to frolic with her friends today. She’s really growin’ as a pony,” Granny Smith continued.

Apple Bloom poked Granny’s hip with one hoof. Her attention focusing on the old pony, then back to the trees, and back again to Granny. “Uh, Granny? Granny Smith?”

“That’s great to hear, Granny,” Applejack said. “That reminds me. You haven’t heard the timber wolves howlin’ at night yet have ya? Cause earlier today we saw some tracks-”

Apple Bloom poked her sister’s side. The pokes became more frantic and her head kept swiveling from the orchard to her family. She was sure she could see Discord about to exit the tree-line.

“Uh, AJ, you listening? Hello? It’s kind of important,” Applebloom said.

The filly could count on at least one member of her family to listen.

Big Mac said with a loud, not-quite-booming voice, “Hey, Apple Bloom is tryin’ ta tell ya’ll somethin’.”

The two older mares looked down at her. The filly frowned and pointed behind them. “Chaos incoming.”

The other three members of the Apple family looked with wide eyes at the hobbling being that approached. He was covered in bandages. A thick neck brace enveloped his long windpipe, while he held a crutch under one arm. One of his legs was wrapped in gauze like an injured conga-line dancer.

“Bonjour everypony!” he greeted.

Applejack’s heart sank with the equally unexpected and unwelcome arrival of the spirit of chaos. She craned her neck back towards her family and whispered out of the side of her mouth, “Ok everypony, we prepared for this. Just like we practiced.”

“Oh, my dear Applejack you wouldn’t believe the day I’ve been having, but I know I can always count on the hospitality of you simple folk. Somepony as dependable as you wouldn’t turn away a pony in need,” Discord said.

Discord was so focused on Applejack’s face for her impending reaction that he didn’t notice as the rest of the Apple family huddled closer together. The slight creasing of her brow and the narrowing of her eyes caused Discord’s face to waver between an impish smirk and a worried frown.

“Not normally, but ya ain’t normal, or a pony fer that matter,” she said.

“You words woundme, Applejack. I most certainly am a pony,” Discord raised his eagle limb and stuck out one talon after the other as he continued, “I’m also a dragon, lizard, griffin, mule, goat, dear, lion, platypus on my mother’s side-”

“Stop!” the Apple family yelled.

The mismatched spirit shut his mouth and looked at the farmers. His appendage had grown extra talons as he had listed his collective parts until it had a new total of nine. His fist clenched as he let it fall to his side, the extra talons disappearing. His eyes narrowed, just a little.

“Why are ya here Discord? And more importantly, why shouldn’t we kick ya out right now?” Applejack asked.

Discord sneered, “Ooo looks like somepony developed an attitude since I was here last. Can’t even go easy on the crippled elderly, such as myself?”

“Ya ain’t hurt Discord. We all know ya can’t be injured like a normal pony, so quite fakin’ it,” Applejack said.

With a bored expression, Discord spun into a mini-tornado causing his bandages to randomly fly off. When he stopped spinning, he looked like his normal chaotic self again.

“Just because I don’t get injured doesn’t mean I can’t feel pain. Seeing as how we both are feeling impatient, I’ll just skip straight to the point then. I need a, ugh, friend to accompany me so I can have some fun. Celestia forbid I’m actually left by myself for more then two minutes, then again, I can cram a lot of chaos into that timespan. All the other element bearers are too busy and you know what they say. A friend of a friend is as good a friend as any...at least, I think that’s how it goes. I wasn’t really paying attention to Fluttershy during that particular lecture,” he said, waving his claw in a circular motion.

He turned his back to the farmers. One paw was held up to his chin as he pondered. Imaginings of chaos went swimming, flying, and unicycling through his head now that he finally had his required ball and chain.

“I was thinking that first I’d create some giant tap dancing jelly beans to liven things up.” He wiggled the claws of his lion’s paw erratically. “After I get bored with that, I’ll open a window into another dimension and see what’s going on over there for awhile, maybe steal some ideas. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to close it when I get bored. After that, I’ll just wing it and see where it goes,” Discord went on.

Once again, he didn’t notice the subtle cues of pony body language, such as Applejack grinding her teeth or her lowered head and wide stance. Then again, he wouldn’t have cared if he had. “Ah ain’t going nowhere with you, and ah most certainly ain’t your friend!”

Discord’s head turned back to Applejack. He usually loved surprises, but this was the rare kind that inconvenienced him. He had been certain that she would follow him after hearing the others couldn’t be bothered. One of them was required to do it by order of Celestia whenever he was out of the castle or not at Fluttershy’s cottage. He felt a smidgen of indignation. Applejack’s family seemed to be supporting her with the refusal if their sour frowns were any indication.

Discord put his claws on his hips.“You can’t say no to me! Didn’t you hear? The other five are indisposed. You have to be my companion by default, or it goes against your princess’s orders. Now go on a chaotic magical adventure with me right now missy!” Discord pointed one talon at the ground in synch with his last words.

The four ponies supported each other. They weren’t about to be cowed by this chained dog.

“Oh, I heard ya,” Applejack said.

“But she ain’t about ta go off with some hoodlum, just so he can have his play time!” Granny Smith continued.

“And she would never be friends with some jerk-y feller who almost destroyed our farm twice!” Apple Bloom supported.

“Eeyup!” Big Mac confirmed.

Discord was flapping furiously in the air as his last option wriggled out of his grasp like a wet trout. The muscles in his face tightened as he prepared to make the longest and most convincing argument he ever had to date. He knew the rules by heart so he could exploit every loophole. Plus, if that didn’t work, he could always try deceiving the dull earth ponies through fast talk. Earth ponies were supposed to be the dumb ones right?

“Now listen here, the rules regarding my freedom were-” he started.

Applejack stepped forward, with her family supporting her every word with angry glares at Discord.

“The rules were made by Princess Celestia, and if ah don’t want to follow ‘em because it might endanger my home or my family’s safety, well then, ah guess she’ll just have to take that up with me personally,” she interrupted.

Discord’s face twisted into something ugly that reminded one of a caged lion being poked at by its captors.

“You’re supposed to be one of the Princess’s order loving lackeys! You can’t do that!” he bellowed.

“Ah just did,” Applejack stated in a low voice.

“And she ain’t changin’ her mind,” Granny, Apple Bloom, and Mac said in unison.

Instead of the tantrum or argument the Apples were expecting, there was a long uncomfortable silence. The muscles under Discord’s paw bulged. His digits twitched, but didn’t snap. He continued to float before them with barely contained malice, as the sun set behind him.

“Fine,” he said eventually.

Without so much as a snarky comment he snapped his claws and was gone in a flash.

“Woo-hoo! We did it! He’s gone!” Apple Bloom jumped with glee.

Applejack wasn’t so sure. In her gut, she could feel something was off. You could never be sure about things that involved the spirit of chaos. The way he had left might have simply been his version of acceptance. It might also mean he was cooking something nasty up from a freshly formed grudge. It was just unexpected; and everypony knew that when Discord did something unexpected, it spelled trouble.

“Yeah, great work everypony,” Applejack mumbled.

Discord had teleported back to his room at the castle. Fish were flying through the air like an open aquarium. The weather insidehis room was momentarily cloudy, waiting to change when Discord got bored with that. The hoofball field sized interior was colored like a tie-dye shirt. All manner of things floated in the air. Powdered wigs with tiny dog legs ran around carrying random things like pinwheels on their backs for no apparent reason. Everything in Discord’s room was chaotic, different, and always changing. Too bad none of it was making him feel any better.

“Pull!” Discord yelled for the second time.

A robot made of wood with a wheeled tripod for legs and arms ending with pinchers pulled a lever planted in the tie-dye ground. After the lever was pulled, a diamond shaped watermelon was catapulted right at Discord.

Discord was wearing suspenders, a striped shirt, and a bowler cap, with a sledgehammer at the ready. He swung the sledgehammer like a baseball bat, and smashed his fruity target into chocolaty pieces. Discord took a moment to lick some of the watermelon-chocolate of his claws before ordering his wooden robot further.

“I mean really, who do those ponies think they’re speaking to? I’m older than their princesses combined, and they have the gall to blow me off?! Me?! They should be showering me with gifts! Praising the very ground I walk on! Everywhere I go I improve things. Instead they dismiss me like a child. Pull!” Discord said.

The robot pulled the lever and yet another watermelon —this one shaped like a six-pointed star— was launched via catapult at Discord. He hit this one too, causing sprinkles to burst out.

“They treat me like a prisoner and yet they call me the bad guy? I’m not the villain here. Why if anything, I’m the hero of the common pony, constantly being stepped on by the white mare. Pull!”

The wooden robot pulled the lever again, sending an apple shaped watermelon this time. Discord smashed that one like he did the others. Only this time, he was splashed with lemon juice. Drops of the acidic liquid made contact with his eyes.

“My eyes! My perfect yellow eyes!” he screamed.

His goofy outfit and sledgehammer disappeared. Now Discord was left covering his eyes with his claws. He blindly fumbled over to the robot, which was suddenly sporting a doctor’s uniform.

“Doctor, doctor! Will I ever be beautiful again?” Discord wailed.

He pulled his claws away to show his eye sockets. The gooey orbs used for sight were replaced by burnt-out sizzling craters.

The robot couldn’t move its wooden face as it replied, “Fact: space does not exist.”

“Oh no! Now how will I ever fulfill my dream of being the first supermodel to go into space?” Discord said.

The robot stated, “Eighty nine percent of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.”

“Oh thank you doctor Woodbot. Now I know I can live as an independent woman, even without my eyes. I’ll just use sorcery to compensa- Oh wait, never mind. Found ‘em,” Discord said.

Reaching under his armpit, he pulled out a pair of light bulbs with red dots in at their tops. He screwed them into his eye sockets. At first they were dark, but the chaos master fixed that with a light tug on one of his ears.

“One in six children will be abducted by the Dutch,” was what the robot had to say to Discord’s antics.

“Ha, yeah I am phenomenal aren’t I buddy,” Discord replied as he snapped away the doctor coat on the wooden robot.

One of the dog-legged powdered wigs ran by Discord. The spirit of chaos stretched an arm out and picked up the Rubik’s cube that was on that one’s back.

“Now, feast your eyes on this!” he said.

Turning around so as to block the robots view, Discord’s shoulders moved up and down. A few times he would look over his shoulder, back at the robot. Finally he turned back with the cube in his outstretched paw.

“Ta-da! Eh…eh?”

The former cube was now shaped like an impossible arrangement of stairs. If a tiny pony were to walk on the stairs, they would go up or down them in a square for eternity, without ever reaching a top or bottom. Discord’s grin took up most of his face. This was what he considered to be the ultimate example of his work, creation of the impossible. A more scientific pony like Twilight Sparkle would have a mental breakdown trying to figure something like that staircase out.

All the robot did was give it a blank stare.

Discord’s enthusiastic smile changed to a frown. He stared back at the chaotically created robot, then at his room. This was as close as he could get to having his own kingdom again. Messing around with his random creations just wasn’t as fun as it should have been.

Something was wrong.

He realized that, no matter what he did here, it would always be contained. Whether his chaos was confined to this room or restricted by his harmonic chaperones, he still felt like a prisoner. It was almost as bad as being sealed in stone. Only now, his jail cell was this room, and the threats of being sealed up again his prison guards. This wasn’t true chaos. This wasn’t freedom. This wasn’t fun. He had this feeling in him that was akin to boredom, but it wasn’t, not exactly.

Discord put a paw up to his chin. What was that feeling called again? Oh right, helplessness, he thought.

He folded his arms behind his back with his eyelids drooped halfway down. The odd sensation was somehow worse then boredom for him. That was saying a lot. His momentary sulking flipped back to anger when he thought about his entire situation.

“This is all their fault! What kind of tyrannical, control-freak keeps a freethinker like me behind bars?!” he said.

Actual metal bars materialized before him and his newly adorned triangular, red-tinted shades.

Behind him, Woodbot yelled, “Row row, fight the powah!”

Discord snapped the bars and sunglasses away.

“I shouldn’t have to endure this! I should make them regret ever thinking they could control me. I’m the master of chaos for goodness sake. I’m not some tool here to make all their problems disappear when things get tough.” He summoned a small purple plush unicorn into his paw. “That’s Twilight Sparkle’s job. It’s high past time for me to get back in the game!” He enthusiastically proclaimed, kicking the plushie out the window. “Okay, for step one I’ll need a giant pinata, a used toothbrush, and whatever it is they serve for lunch in the dungeon’s cafeteria for this to…” he trailed off.

His devious mind tripped over itself as he came to a horrifying realization.

“Well, no, I guess that idea wouldn’t work since Twilight Sparkle still has that pesky enchantment on the elements. Maybe if…no Celestia would probably get the elements to her defense for that too. What if I, no that wouldn’t pan out either with Fluttershy being there,” Discord thought out loud.

Discord lived for the moment, but he was nopony’s definition of a short term thinker. He could come up with plans that would take eons to come to fruition if he wanted. He could think up unpredictable twists that would throw anything and everything on its head. Plan after plan sprung up from his unorganized mind. All of them hit a roadblock in the form of a certain yellow pegasus’s disapproval or ending up as a pigeon’s bathroom again.

He was alone in this. He had no way of getting away with anything for very long; not unless something changed the playing field substantially. It would have to be completely free of his direct meddling too. The only thing that could give him his opportunity would be if something else took the Elements of Harmony or the celestial sisters out of the picture on it’s own. Unless something just magically sprouted up out of the ground and changed the entire game, he was stuck.

Not to mention, he was still being watched everywhere he went. If he disappeared for even an instant without reports on where he had been, he’d be turned to stone faster than a chicken at a cockatrice mating ritual.

He could always just run. They’d never be able to catch him most likely. He could cause plenty of trouble along the way too. He cast that option out. There was no fun in being a criminal on the run. He wanted to be on top again, like the old days. He was not a coward or a quitter to start with anyway.

He could try doing things the messier way. He shuddered at the mental imagery of resorting to such crude barbarism. He was not a monster like some ponies labeled him, and if he had anything to say about it, he never would be. Discord was a lot of vile things, but that wasn’t one of them.

Perhaps circumstances might change the game at some later point in time, but for the foreseeable future, he was cornered.

“Huh, well played, ponies,” he spoke with far more melancholy than normal.

Discord didn’t feel like bothering with scheming anymore. None of his plans could conceivably free him for at least the next several decades. He wanted his freedom right now, not later. Discord and his ego deflated like a loosely tied balloon, sound effect and all. Woodbot rolled over and piped in with another nonsensical remark.

“Dreams are the subconscious mind’s way of reminding ponies to go to school shaved naked, and have their teeth fall out,” the robot said.

Discord’s deflated form perked up slightly. With his ears leading the way, he inflated back to his usual shape. A dastardly smile spread across his face.

“Huh, you know pal, while you were talking about sending foals to school naked or some such malarkey, I just had an idea,” he said. “When was the last time I had a nap? Just decided to get away from it all and go off to dream land? You can’t recall, can you?” Discord asked.

“...” The robot responded with silence.

“Neither can I! Why not catch up on my beauty rest? Not that I could get any more beautiful, mind you. I could have some privacy for a few thousand years to get my thoughts in disorder. I wonder what dreams are like. I’ve heard so much about them.” He pulled at his beard while imagining the dreams of ponies. “They’d have to be more fun than my current predicament. I’d get to mess with other ponies dreams as if I ruled Equestria again! They’d never guess their chaotic fantasies were caused by moi.” He gestured to himself with twirl of his lion paw.

“Not to mention all the changes I could make in my own dream kingdom, without so much as a complaint from anypony. It’s perfect! I’ll sleep things off and wake up to a new playing field, fresh as a daisy. Not to mention the other benefits to my special brand of sleep.”

He pushed his face against Woodbot’s own, his eyes bugging out. “Oh, but they’ll miss me when I’m gone.” Discord pulled away while he continued.

“They’ll wise up eventually and learn that my way was the best way. Then they’ll be sorry when their lives are still as utterly dull and predictable as they are now. Who knows, maybe some new threat will appear that only I could have stopped. Well they’ll just have to deal with it on their own.” He crossed his arms and pouted. “We’ll see how they get by without my help. They’ve succeeded by the skin of their teeth at best. They never appreciated my unique genius anyway.”

Discord snapped his eagle claw and in it appeared a picture frame of him and Fluttershy. He was his jovial self with his arm around her and she was smiling meekly in the photo. Discord offered it a distant stare, but soon changed his expression to a scowl.

“You never understood the truth of my world Fluttershy. Maybe I’ll see you in my dreams. Sayonara,” he said.

As Discord went to find a secluded place to sleep, he threw the photo frame over his head. It shattered on the ground, leaving the photo ripped down the middle, separating the pair.

“Now for some nice soothing sounds to fall asleep to.”

Outside of Discord’s room -several hallways over- a pair of golden-armored royal guards stood looking at a scrying glass leaning against the wall. The guards, one unicorn and one pegasus, sat in the lavish guest room. Both their brows were furrowed. The scrying glass was the same size and shape as a common vanity mirror. Unlike normal mirrors, this one was magically enchanted to reveal everything that happened in a specific area. Discord’s room was the place it watched now. Unfortunately, the picture in the mirror was suffering from a sever case of static. The pegasus decided to grab the mirror in his hooves. He then flew it to different positions as he tried to get the uncooperative thing to function properly. This went on for several minutes.

“Why won’t this stupid thing just work? Gah!” the pegasus guard complained.

“Careful or you might break it!” the unicorn guard behind him warned.

“Don’t you think I know that? You haven’t seen Discord do anything weird while I’ve been working this thing have you?” the pegasus asked.

“You mean weird stuff other than what he does in there normally? Last I saw he was just smashing watermelons and talking to himself, I think. Try turning the sound back on. Maybe it’s fixed now,” the unicorn said.

The hovering guard gave his partner an unsure look. He felt the cold sensation of glass on his nose as he pressed his muzzle against the mirror. Ear rending sounds of construction attacked the room. Hammer strikes, wood being sawed, magical jackhammers, as well as the sounds of things that hadn’t been invented yet could all be heard by the unlucky guards. There was also the sound of a crying baby mixed in to make it even more unbearable. The unicorn put his hooves to his ears and gritted his teeth. The guard holding the mirror found himself wishing he had an extra set of wings to cover his ears. He was pretty sure his eardrums had just exploded. Still, it had never happened to him before, so he couldn’t be sure about that.

“Okay, bad idea! Turn it off!” the unicorn guard yelled. His voice could barely be heard over the cacophony of noise.

“What!?” the pegasus screamed back.

“I said turn the sound off!” the unicorn barked.

“No I’m not turning it off! We need to keep an eye on Discord!” the pegasus shouted.

“I meant turn the sound off only!” the unicorn hollered as the construction noises kept getting louder.

“What!?”

“Turn the sound off! It’s too loud!”

“I can’t hear you! The sound is too loud!”

“What!?”

“I said the sound is too loud!”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” the unicorn hollered.

“What!?” the pegasus yelled back.

Author's Note

That picture at the top is courtesy of one jbwarner86.
So here we are again folks. Me, with an overdue update to a story, and you, thinking I died horribly in some sort of clown car related collision, or at the very least, you thought I gave up on this story. Well you'd be wrong! That clown car only grazed me.

As far as this story goes, I finally got a bunch of people to look it over as editors. Now I finally feel it's in decent enough shape to allow this story to continue. I've actually had this chapter written out for a looong time now (way before season 4 was over), but I was struggling to find people who could and would help me get it closer to an imperfect perfection. Now reading it shouldn't be so horrible that it burns out your eye sockets. If it does I apologize, but I won't be paying for your surgery bills.

Here's the list of proofreaders and editors who helped me get this far! If I forgot anyone I'm sorry, it was a long process and I failed to keep everything perfectly organized.
CosmicAfro, Jeray2000, Prothean, Chinchillax, Blue Horizon and Luna-tic Scientist