Pirate Hats and Whatnot

by getmeouttahere

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Human, Applejack, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 5075

Anon attempts to catch fish despite Pinkie Pie and Applejack's interruptions.

Anon attempts to catch fish despite Pinkie Pie and Applejack's interruptions.

Published 2014-01-22 01:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-22 01:20:04 UTC

Pirate Hats and Whatnot

A perfect autumn breeze, not too warm, but not too chilly, pulls a single golden leaf from one of the nearby trees. It spirals in the air for a few minutes before softly touching the lake's surface, sending small ripples in every direction. You watch them flow outward and diminish until they become indistinguishable as they meet the competing ripples from the bobber attached to your fishing line as it floats nearby.

The tranquility of the moment is undeniable, and you lean back to allow the sense of peace which permeates your surroundings to find its way to you. With a relaxed sigh, a small smile begins to tug at the corners of your mouth. Disregarding the practical task at hand, this is what draws you here, day after day.

It's been difficult to find things which bring you joy since being forcibly torn from your home by some violent act of cosmic magic and thrust into this unbelievable world of talking marshmallow equines. You've been treated well; of that, there's no question. All of the ponies have been extremely kind and welcoming to you (some even a little too kind and welcoming) since your arrival and have gone to great lengths to make you feel at home among them. But their hospitality and good intentions, as great as they are, have sadly been unable to dull the sense of loss that set in once you discovered you'd never be able to go back.

It's not their fault. It's no one's fault, really, but no matter how hard they try, this small, wonderful town will never be home to you. You left behind too much in that instant— friends, family, comforts, memories... all stripped away, without a chance to say goodbye or even mourn. And ever since then, who you were is becoming harder and harder to recall as the faces and voices of your loved ones start to lose their clarity to the passage of time.

Your smile almost fades, but the sight of the bobber sinking beneath the water's surface and a tug on the line manages to keep it in place.

Yeah, who you were is inevitably slipping away like the daylight hours as the seasons change. And as for who you are now? As an existential question, that's difficult to answer, but in a general sense, it's quite easy:

Right now, you are Anon the fisherman, and there's a fish on the line.

After a brief struggle and some careful reeling, you ready your net and scoop up your catch. It turns out to be a good sized lake trout, and your mouth starts to water as you carefully remove the hook and toss it into the nearby cooler with the others you've caught so far. Yeah, looks like this one's gonna be dinner tonight.

You re-bait your line and cast it into the lake once more. The motion causes your little boat to rock atop the water's surface for a bit before steadying itself again. Despite the local pony inhabitants' distaste for meat, they don't seem to mind you doing your own fishing here in Ponyville Lake. In fact, one of the stallions who lives nearby has been kind enough to loan you his boat whenever you need it, no questions asked.

You've gladly taken him up on his very generous offer and have spent your afternoons for the last few weeks or so fishing on the lake to help fill out your freezer for the coming winter months. Some days yield nothing at all, and some days a veritable bounty, but either way you've been greatly enjoying it. At this time of day most ponies are at work or school so you have the place all to yourself. Often it's only the birds perched in the nearby trees or the families of ducks slowly coasting through the water that break the silence.

The bobber disappears again and you immediately snap to attention as the weight on the end of the line nearly pulls you into the water.

“What the—!!”

With all your might, you fight to reel the catch in without capsizing the boat. You briefly wonder whether you've managed to hook some sort of unknown monster from the deep given how heavy it seems, but you grit your teeth and keep fighting, hoping against hope that the line won't break or the pole snap in the process.

After a grueling 10 minute battle, you finally manage to pull your catch from the water. It stares back at you, two bright blue eyes shining behind the scuba mask and snorkel which surrounds them.

“Hiya Non-non! There's a party tomorrow night at Swe—brrbrbbthbgdb”

You immediately release the brake on your reel and dunk the pink pony back into the lake from whence she came. There goes your peaceful afternoon...

She means well, she really does. Since your arrival, this little pony has made it her life's mission to coax you out of your shell and get you to attend whatever party / festival / fiesta she has planned at the moment. You do appreciate the thought behind it all, but the truth is you're just not comfortable being around so many ponies. You don't really have much in common with them, and you never really were a social butterfly to start with. Instead, you prefer quiet places where you can be alone with your thoughts, though the lake'll have a tough time qualifying as one anymore now that Pinkie's here.

The party pony pops her head out nearby, spitting some water from her mouth before giving you a slight frown.

“Hey! You're just gonna throw me back, Non-non?! I'm totally a keeper!”

Chuckling a bit, you set your pole aside. “That may be true, but you're over my quota. Sorry.”

Pinkie puffs out her cheeks and harrumphs at you, but can't hide her smile behind the gesture. She breaks into a series of giggles as she lifts her scuba mask and treads water beside the boat with a lazy doggy paddle (pony paddle?).

“Oh well, I guess I just need to be the first thing you catch tomorrow, huh?” she replies with a glimmer of mischief in her eyes. The pink pony paddles over and places her forehooves on the side of the boat to steady herself and further draw your attention.

“Hey Non-non, guess what? There's gonna be a party tomorrow night at Applejack's farm! I really want you to come! There'll be singing, line dancing, apple bobbing, great food and CIDER! You'll love it, you really will! What do you say? Will you come? Will ya will ya will ya huh huh huh?”

She looks up at you like a puppy begging for a treat. It's nearly impossible to say no to that face, but after giving it some thought and suppressing your urge to give in to her adorable demands, you shake your head.

“Sorry, Pinkie. Thanks for asking, but I really don't feel like—”

“GREAT! See you there!” she spins around in the water and starts paddling back to shore.

“Did you not hear me? I said no!”

“It starts at seven! But you should get there a little early so I can introduce you—”

“I SAID NO, PINKIE!”

You yell just a little louder than you meant to and instantly regret it. Pinkie turns her head back toward the boat and it's not clear if the water under her eyes is from the lake or the result of building tears...

“I'm... I'm sorry,” you say, eyes cast downward with regret. “I didn't mean to yell like that. I know what you're trying to do for me, and I'm grateful, but I just can't. You know how I am with crowds...”

She nods, her voice much more muted than usual. “I know. But I still think it's important that you come to this one...” As quickly as it drifted away, her smile returns, as does the cheeriness in her voice. “There are other ponies who want to see you there too! And I'll be back tomorrow to make sure that you finish your fishing in time to get ready! Bye, Non-non!”

You watch as the pink pony coasts her way through the water back to shore with the grace of a shark stalking its prey. She hops up the embankment and shakes herself dry, then leaps out of sight.

You lean back and start reeling your line in. All that commotion's probably scared the fish away by now, so it's a good time to call it a day. Might as well head home and start the process of gutting, cleaning and smoking the day's catch so it'll be ready for the freezer.

As you grab the oars and start making your way to shore, you can't help but wonder what the Pink Menace will have in store for you tomorrow. It takes a while sometimes, but she eventually stops pestering you if you turn her down enough. Hopefully whatever it is she's planning doesn't end up being too disruptive.

You row the boat back to its owner's dock and securely tie it to the pilings, then grab your fishing pole and cooler and start the long walk back home under the pleasant warmth of the late afternoon sun.

~~~~~~~~~

Applejack watches with curiosity as her friend trots to one side of the little dock and removes the first tie line keeping the small boat moored there. She glances up at the somewhat overcast sky, the sunlight breaking through in certain places as noon approaches.

“So, explain ta me just one more time what exactly it is we're doin' again?”

“Fur Firuffs!” Pinkie cheerfully replies, dropping the line from her mouth and moving over to the next.

“Uh... one more time there, darlin'. Ah didn't catch that.”

“Oy sood,” she spits out the second line, freeing the vessel. “We're pirates!” Pinkie beams at her fellow earth pony with the biggest smile she can muster.

The farmpony gives her a deadpan stare. “Right. Pirates. Could ya maybe go inta just a little bit more detail, there?”

A pink hoof reaches behind a nearby bush to retrieve a traditional pirate hat complete with an intimidating skull and crossbones insignia painted on the front. She places it upon her poofy pink mane, a sinister grin forming on her face.

“Aye, lass! We be pirates, the scourge 'o the seas! Wherever we go, we plunder and pillage, sing songs and slurp sarsaparilla by the barrel! 'Tis a carefree life o' fun and adventure!”

Applejack blinks. “Right... so the reason ya brought me out here is because...”

The pink pirate rears up and dramatically points one of her forehooves toward a small boat and its lone human occupant floating in the middle of the lake.

“THERE! That scalawag thinks that the bounty 'o this sea be his! That scurvy dog! He should know by now that the dread flag of Pirate Captain Pinkie Pie flies o'er these waters! We're gonna set sail and take back what's ours!”

The farmpony sighs. “...Pinkie, I don't think ya should be botherin' Anon like this all the time. He's a good pon— er, person, and I know he likes ta be left alone sometimes and you should respect that. Don't ya think this is a bit mu—”

As much as she’d like to continue, Pinkie’s tear-filled blue eyes, followed by a slight sniffle, serve to rob the words from her mouth.

“But AJ, you promised...”

“I... I know that, sugarcube, but...”

“You... P-Pinkie Promised...”

The orange mare pulls the brim of her stetson over her eyes and looks away. An unseen struggle plays across her face before she turns back, sighing with defeat.

“Doggone it, fine. I swear, ya can be worse than Apple Bloom sometimes. Tell me what ya want me ta do.”

Pinkie instantly cheers back up. Reaching behind the bush again, she produces another hat, a bandanna, and several toy ships. Before Applejack can blink, the bandanna's been tied around her neck and her traditional cowpony hat replaced with a pirate-themed version.

“Well met, me hearty! Welcome to the crew! Great treasure and riches await all who remain loyal to Captain Pinkie Pie, and as me new first mate your cut 'o the plunder'll be nearly as high as mine! Yo ho ho ho!”

Applejack rolls her eyes. “I can't wait. And is doin’ that voice really necessary?”

A tiny green alligator pokes its head out from underneath the brim of Pinkie's hat and hisses. The pink mare reaches out and plucks the little alligator from her mane and it responds by lovingly trying to bite her face from several angles.

“Yes the voice be necessary! And worry not, Mister Gummy! There'll be plenty 'o treasure 'n wenches for ye as well!”

Applejack's eyes widen. “Plenty of WHAT, now?!”

Pinkie ignores her, spinning around with the two toy boats in her hooves. She places them on the dock near one another, then crouches down to stare at them, eyes narrowed in concentration.

“Listen carefully, lass, for here be the plan! Our ship, the SS Mad Mare, will be sailin' out to meet that landlubber Anon's ship, the SS Grumpy Guppy!” A pink hoof pushes one of the boats toward the other while Applejack looks up to regard the actual boat they'll be using for their 'raid'.

“An' you’re sure Mr. Breezy gave ya permission ta borrow his boat?”

Pinkie throws her hooves up in the air in frustration. “Aye, of course I got permission! Yar! Now pay attention, lass, this is the most important part!” She stands back up, her eyes trained on the human in the distance. “Once we get there an' board the ship, we're gonna plunder his booty! And I mean all of it!”

The poor farm mare's cheeks redden as she recoils in surprise. “H-Hold your horses, there, Pinkie, ya can't be serious!!”

Pinkie slams a hoof on the dock. “It's CAPTAIN Pinkie, lass! And aye, I be serious! We're gonna take all the booty he keeps in that treasure chest in the back o' his boat!”

She stares intently at the large cooler as Anon pulls another fish from the water and places it inside. With a chuckle, Applejack wipes the sweat from her brow and sighs in relief.

“Sugarcube, er, I mean, Captain Pinkie? I don't think there's treasure in there. I'm pretty sure it's just fish.”

Pinkie scowls. “That's what he wants ya to think, lass! He be puttin' fish in there as a decoy! Accordin' to this map that chest is full 'o riches! And once I have 'em, maybe then he'll give in to me demands!”

The pink pony produces a local fold-out tourist map of Manehatten with a rough sketch of the lake drawn on top of it in magic marker. An 'X' is shown in the lake's center, near Anon's position.

“So let me get this straight,” Applejack replies as she tries to rub away a building migraine with her hoof. “We're gonna row out there, take Anon's cooler,”

Pinkie frowns.

“Sorry, treasure chest, an' then leave? That's it?”

The pirate captain nods. “Aye, that be the plan! Yer a sharp one, first mate! Perhaps a little too sharp... Don't be gettin' any ideas about a mutiny! I've got my eye on you...”

Gummy hisses in agreement.

“I don't think ya have ta worry about that,” Applejack says, suppressing a chuckle. “But can I make a suggestion?”

“Aye, what is it?” Pinkie crosses her hooves, a proud look on her face.

“...If somepony doesn't go get that runaway boat I don't think we'll be gettin' very far.”

“What the— oh shoot!”

The party pony scrambles down the dock to retrieve their boat, which has started to drift away after being left untied for so long. Applejack merely shakes her head and sits back on her haunches as she watches her friend's antics.

“Today's just gonna be one'a those days, I can tell...”

~~~~~~~~~

After what happened yesterday, you thought it best to get an early start on your fishing just in case a certain pink pony decided to cut today's trip short. With a nod to the kind pony whose boat you constantly borrow, you place your cooler in the back along with your fishing pole and begin rowing your way to the lake's center.

Though it's partially cloudy outside today, there's no rain on the weather schedule. You like days like these best, as they allow you to lean back and watch the clouds roll by to pass the time. Cloud watching normally leads to daydreaming, which leads to a journey through the memories of your old life. You relish them as they flash by in your mind; good times, bad times, successes, failures... all are precious now. They slip through your thoughts much like the hours slip by around you.

Your luck is good today. It's a little before noon and you've already caught seven decent sized trout, just one less than your daily maximum quota. One more and you can head home early, possibly avoiding Pinkie Pie altogether...

“Avast ye scurvy dog! Prepare to be boarded!”

...or maybe not.

You open your eyes to see another boat rowing toward you, but your brain stops processing information at around that point because the rest of the details just don't make any damn sense. Pinkie Pie stands at the bow, proudly posed exactly like George Washington crossing the Delaware. She's wearing a pirate getup, complete with a skull-themed hat, and has a miniature alligator on her shoulder in lieu of the usual parrot. The pony actually rowing the boat is none other than Applejack, one of the most down-to-earth and dependable ponies you've met so far, and she's got a pirate outfit too...

There are no words.

Your jaw merely hangs open as they approach. The orange mare stops rowing and allows their boat to coast on the water until its bow gently taps the side of your own. At that moment, Pinkie Pie leaps on top of your closed cooler, a triumphant grin on her face.

“We meet at last, Captain Non-non! Ye've made a costly mistake sailin' the waters of Dread Pirate Captain Pinkie Pie, 'cause your treasure now be mine!” She glances over to Applejack. “I mean ours! Yeah, ours! Yar.”

You ignore the pink pony and turn your attention to the orange mare, a slight blush on her face as she looks away out of embarrassment.

“This kind of stuff sort of makes sense with Pinkie, but what're you doing here?”

“Owed her a favor. Sorry about all this.”

Pinkie stomps a hoof. “AJ! You're not doing the voice!”

The reluctant first mate sighs. “I mean... yar, sorry about all this.”

Pinkie beams in response. “That be more like it, lass! Now help me secure the treasure so we can set sail!” She hops down from the cooler and grabs one of its handles in her mouth, then starts dragging it between the two boats.

“Hey! Those are my fish, let go!” you exclaim as you move to grab the other handle to stop her, kicking off a tug-of-war between the two of you as you fight for possession of the cooler.

Unfortunately, the sudden shift in weight causes the boat beneath you to tilt dangerously to one side. Pinkie yelps at the sensation as she loses her balance and falls backwards into her boat with Applejack. Your own footing fails at roughly the same time, sending you toward the front of your boat with a crash.

As for the cooler, it teeters on the edge between the two vessels just long enough for you to helplessly watch as it tumbles into the lake, lid open, all of the fish you caught happily swimming away and disappearing into the depths only a moment later.

“My fish! Damn it, Pinkie, I was out here all morning catching those!”

“I... I didn't mean...” The Dread Pirate Captain's ears fold back in shame as she looks away.

Applejack scowls. “Consarn it, I knew this was bound ta go too far! Anon, I'm so sorry, I should'a— WHAT IN TARNATION?!”

Both you and Applejack are completely shocked at what happens next.

Out of nowhere, two pink hooves lift the orange mare from her seat, move her, then unceremoniously plop her down on a seat in your boat.

The Pink Menace then grabs the oars of her own boat and starts rowing away from you as fast as she possibly can.

“Yar! Me apologies, there, first mate, but ye be takin' the fall for me on this one! Plus I promised Mr. Breezy I'd have his boat back by 12:15! Surely ye understand!”

“Oh no you don't, Pinkie Pie!” Applejack yells as she hops back to her hooves in anger. “You get your flank back here right now and take responsibility for this, ya hear?!”

Her sudden movement causes the boat to rock and list dangerously to one side and on instinct you place a hand upon her lower back to force her haunches down and equalize the weight. The farmpony's eyes move from the retreating Pinkie to you when she feels your touch and you immediately pull your hand away.

“Sorry. I was worried about the boat.”

The mare chuckles. “It's all right, sugarcube. I know ya didn't mean no harm.” She moves back to sit in the center of the boat, removes her little pirate hat and sighs. “I'm... I'm really sorry about all this, Anon. I should'a seen it comin' and stopped her before this all got started.”

You reach over the side and pull the still-floating empty cooler from the water and place it safely in its spot at the stern.

“It's not your fault. It's just how she is, at least for as long as I've known her. I was trying to get my fishing done early today, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. C'mon, I'll row you back to shore.”

You sit back down and move to retrieve the boat's oars but an orange hoof stops you. You look over to the farmpony, who closes her eyes and shakes her head, a smile on her face. She leans down and picks up your fishing pole in her mouth, then trots over and places it in your outstretched hand.

“Sorry, ain't happenin'. I'm partly responsible for this so I'm gonna help fix it. With the two'a us workin' together we'll be able ta catch what ya lost in no time at all.”

You smile back, somewhat touched by the sincerity of her gesture.

“I... I really appreciate that, Applejack. But I only have one fishing pole, so I don't know how much you can help.”

She grins. “Shoot, just call me AJ! And don't ya worry none, as for the fishin', just give me a bit of line and I'll make do with what I've got.”

With a shrug, you do as she says and pass her an extra spool of line while you focus on baiting and casting your own. Once yours is in the water, you turn your attention back to Applejack just in time to see her remove the red band holding her tail together. The golden locks scatter about in the wind for a moment before she securely ties a length of already baited line around a bunch of the longer strands. She stands, turns, and with a cast that would make even the most experienced fisherman jealous, she whips her tail and sends the line out into the lake a fair distance away from your own.

The farmpony turns a bit and sits back down, her back to the water, and winks at you with one of her emerald eyes. “Well? How d'ya like them apples, Mr. Human?”

“Not bad,” you reply, genuinely impressed. “But what do you do when it's time to reel in a catch?”

She smiles again. “Don't you worry about that. Just focus on your own fishin' and leave the details ta me.”

“Fair enough.”

You sit back and focus on your own line. If your luck from earlier in the day holds out, and she can really fish as well as she claims, you should be done in no time...

But as it is with things like this, it never goes as intended. The hours pass without a single bite. In fishing, that's not really uncommon, even though it is unfortunate. But what really surprises you is how that time goes by.

She doesn't say a word. Not a single word. It's so odd.

Every pony you've met, even the super skittish and timid Fluttershy, has constantly had something to say to you. Questions to ask, stories to impress you... socializing has just been an unending barrage of talking, saying the same things over and over and over again. It's become so tiring over time.

But not Applejack. She doesn't pester you. She merely sits there, her eyes closed and a smile on her face, enjoying the silence.

At some point during your time together, you notice she's removed the band around her mane as well. The golden strands fall down across her neck and move with the breeze that dances across the lake's surface. She looks so radiant, and yet so at peace, that it compels you to break the silence lest the moment pull your thoughts into a place you're not sure you're comfortable going.

“Hey, AJ?”

“Mmmm?” she hums back, her eyes still closed.

“You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but what are you thinking about?”

Now her eyes open, and she turns to you, her smile undiminished.

“My Ma and Pa.”

“Oh. I'm not holding you up from anything at home, am I? Do they need you?”

She shakes her head. “No, sugarcube. They're gone.”

The finality with which she speaks the words strikes you, and your heart sinks.

“I'm so sorry. I didn't know...”

“It's alright, darlin',” she says softly as your eyes meet. “I came ta terms with it a long time ago. These memories I'm seein' are happy ones. I don't get a lot of quiet time like this, so when I do, sometimes I like to look back...”

She places a hoof on her chest, then looks up to you. “'Cause they're gone, but not completely. Ain't that right?”

You don't sob or cry out, but the tears stream down your face nonetheless. Normally, you'd be just like her, using this time to reminisce about those that you've lost by being brought here. But instead, you've been focusing on the little orange pony by your side, and that realization causes a storm of emotions to well up in your chest.

“How... how do you do it? How do you deal with it? Every day, it seems like my memories get a little bit hazier. Every day, it's like I lose another part of them. I'm scared that eventually there'll be nothing left!”

Her emerald eyes capture your own, only releasing you when she chooses to close them. And she whispers, just above the wind, “And you’re afraid ta let others in, 'cause you’re afraid it'll make those memories wash away that much faster.”

Your heart nearly stops at those words. She opens her eyes again and turns to look out across the lake.

“My Pa taught me ta fish like this, Anon. It's one of the many gifts he gave ta me before he passed on. Even though it ain't often, every time I do this I think of him...”

Applejack leans over in her seat and into your side. The gesture surprises you, but it feels right, and your arm moves to wrap around her shoulder in response.

“I was like you once... so afraid ta lose them again. I didn't think I could bear it, and I kept everypony at a distance 'cause I felt the exact same way...”

She looks up at you again, a contented smile shining upon her face.

“But Anon, I came ta realize that I'll never replace them. Nothin'll ever replace them. That spot in my heart is theirs forever. And 'cause they loved me, I know they would want me ta be happy. Ta seek out friends, and ta smile again. My Pa taught me how ta fish, and that'll stay with me till the end of my days, even if I can't exactly remember the tone of his voice, or how tall he was, or the exact color of Ma's mane...”

That hoof finds its way to your chest now, the pressure light but strong.

“It ain't just the memories, Anon. Their love is with you too, and that can’t ever be lost.”

It's so odd. You're crying, but you're smiling too. And the little orange pony cries and smiles with you, there, on a small boat in the middle of the lake.

Eventually, the silence returns, but it's a happy one that lingers for a while, until your new fishing partner suddenly jumps up in surprise.

“Whoa! I think I've got one!”

“Really?”

“Yeehaw! It's a keeper, too! Watch close now, and I'll show ya how a real farmpony reels in a fish!”

She thrashes her powerful tail three times, then spins faster that you can even perceive. You jaw drops in amazement as the motion whips the line, fish and all, from the water and into the sky above. Another thrash of the tail and gravity does the rest, pulling the fish directly downward into the boat and the pony's waiting hooves.

“That was amazing, AJ!”

She winks. “Told ya, didn't I? One down an' seven ta go, right?”

“Yeah, you got it.”

You remove the fish from the hook and place it in the cooler, then help Applejack re-bait her line. She casts it again, then reclaims her seat, head held up high with pride. You can’t help but laugh at the little pony’s antics, which draws a giggle from her as well.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Yeah?”

“We're havin' a little shindig at the farm tonight. Would ya like ta come?”

You lean back and stare at clouds as they obscure the afternoon sun.

“Yeah... I think I'd like that.”

The pleasant silence between you resumes, and somewhere, a pink pony's ear twitches, her job done.

Author's Note

Dedicated to LeStrange.
You are awesome.