So Far...

“Listen to me... You run a shit-hole of a kitchen you fucking dried up camel turd!” A voice rang from England. “Why don’t you go back to America where you belong with the rest of the wanking wimps, and take your ass sandwiches with you!” He yelled, throwing a hamburger at a McDonalds employee.

“Mr. Ramsay, please calm down. If there’s anything I can do for you-“

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself you dirty twat! As long as I have a hole in my ass, I will never eat at this establishment! Why the fuck would you go into my fucking kitchen, sulking because you fucked up the food, and try to pass it off as anything less than canned dog shit?”

“Sir, this isn’t your kitchen it’s a fine McDonald’s restau-“

Enraged, Chef Ramsay took the cashier and beat him to death with a ketchup packet. He then proceeded to climb over the counter and into the kitchen, and somehow managed in just 30 minutes to turn a McDonalds into a 5-star restaurant, right as the police broke down the door and pointed their batons at him.

“You do not have to say anything.  But it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.  Anything you do say may be given in evidence.” One constable yelled, inching (or rather, centimetering) closer to Ramsay, with his baton still aimed at him like a gun. Of course, police neither carry guns nor handcuffs, that is much too barbaric and frankly, American.

“You think you’re so smart, yeah? These potatoes are WAY TOO FUCKING SALTY! You’re going to give someone a fucking ass-ripping heart attack!”

“But Chef, that’s how we always-“

“Again with your fucking excuses, thinking you’re so smart with your carpet munching liberal arts degree and stupid idiot string theory fucking cow toilet paper!”

Time-space warped around Ramsay, and in a flash he disappeared, leaving a stunned British police force and a permanently emotionally scarred crew of McDonald’s employees.

*

We had our usual semi-annual performance in Ponyville, all except for Soarin, who broke his wing in a silly door-opening accident. The event had just ended, marking Rainbow’s first public performance as a Wonderbolt. I didn’t get to watch the show, but Spitfire sat the finale out to judge the quality of the flying. Everypony crowded into a small meeting room below the stands.

“RAINBOW! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT!?!” Spitfire cried.

Rainbow’s eyes shot open and she looked puzzled at Spitfire.

“Before the show I gave you one simple instruction. Even though we haven’t rehearsed it much, I put you in the back so that you can follow the rest!” Spitfire spat out. “And what did I see you do? I saw you going as fast as you could go, passing everyone, disrupting the ‘V’ formation!”

“I’m sorry, I-“

“If you want to keep being a Wonderbolt, you better learn to be a good follower! This isn’t a one-pony-show; this is skilled synchronized avionics!” she said, turned around, and walked out to do her own things. I had a sinking feeling that Rainbow might get booted off the team, so without even waiting to see Rainbow’s reaction, I went in the direction I saw Spitfire heading.

I eventually stumbled upon a room guarded by a pegasus guard. He seemed to pretend I wasn’t even there, seeing as I was a Wonderbolt, and didn’t flinch when I opened the door a crack.

“Alright, ja!” a voice said from behind a corner as white light flashed through the room and a shutter clicked. I could see in a corner of the room Spitfire stood with a beach backdrop, in her uniform but with her head cover off. What was she doing?

“Ja, gut! Bring in the second backdrop! Schnell!” Spitfire got up, and the beach backdrop was replaced with a riveted steel backdrop with the REA logo and a mock-up barrel of a tank was carted in. “Ok, Spitfiya, lie down on ze barrel vit ze barrel betveen your legs.” Spitfire obliged and lay down on the barrel of the mock-up tank. “Nein, no; pull the suit down some more.” Spitfire pulled the suit down until her breasts were almost exposed. “Just a bit more... nein, never mind, just take ze whole thing off!” Spitfire took the uniform off and threw it off the set. She laid back down on the barrel and looked saucily at the camera. “Gut, gut!” the voice said as the camera snapped some more. “Now same thing, but on your back!” Spitfire sat up, and rolled over onto her back, spreading her legs to show the closeness of the barrel to her...

She suddenly saw me and squinted. I backed up from the door, gasping, and began to walk away. A hoof tapped on my shoulder.

“Where are you going?” Spitfire asked in her usual comforting voice.

“Just- you know... I wanted to talk to you...”

“You have my attention.”

“I was wondering about Rainbow...”

“I think you are also curious about what I was doing in there.” She said, beginning to walk back towards the meeting hall, one hoof around me, holding something in it.

“Yeah that kind of beat the old question off. Why were you taking pictures on a tank barrel?”

“Here” she said, handing me what was in her hoof. It was a collection of pictures she had just taken, but with words edited in. In all of them she had taken saucy, suggestive pictures, but it also had some phrases edited in as the caption, such as “Keep ‘Em Flying”, “Go Get ‘Em Boys”, Think YOU Got What It Takes?”,  and “Saddle Up”, in some she was even wearing a REA officer cap and nothing else, and at the bottom of them all it says “Recruiting now” followed by addresses and phone numbers of REA recruiting agencies.

“So you’re making people join the army? Why?”

“You know, I spend so much time being captain of the Wonderbolts, rarely do I have time to actually BE a Wonderbolt, so off on the side I do some quick jobs that require my fame to accomplish, such as posing for recruitment propaganda. Also, it’s nice to know you’ve still got the looks.” We both laughed.

“But why not just do an infomercial or something? Why this?”

“Oh, silly medic. The army doesn’t need nerds who overthink things. It needs stallions who don’t think with the brain in their heads and never defy orders.” She says lightheartedly. “So the way we pull them in is by making them think with the brain between their hind legs!” She finished, flicking a forehoof against the side of my head. I felt embarrassingly turned on.

I didn’t even realize it but we were already back at the meeting room. She opened the door and yelled “DASH! FRONT AND CENTER!” and walked back and stood alongside me.

“Actually, I wanted to ask a question about Rainbow, not with Rainbow.”

“I think she might be able to answer it for you.”

Rainbow stepped out of the meeting room and looked at both of us.

“Hey, I was just wondering if you really meant that you were going to kick Rainbow out...”

Spitfire cracked up, and Rainbow just flat out started laughing.

“Spitfire wouldn’t kick me out over something like that!”

“Yeah!” Spitfire chuckled. “I would just make her life living hell until she stopped being such a lazy asshole!” Spitfire started laughing loud, but Rainbow just chuckled this time, nervously. “As you were, Dash.”

Suddenly Twilight popped in on us. “Quick, Arthur!” she yelled. “I need you here!” She closed her eyes and strained, teleporting us, and also Spitfire and Rainbow by accident. We appeared in the field where the CMCs found me, and she was pointing at a man in a white suit. “No way” I thought out loud. I ran up behind him to see who he was. All of a sudden he pointed his finger at Berry Punch.

“Hey you bloody twat! Why the fuck do you have those fresh fruits glued to your ass?”

I facepalmed. I recognized the voice. It was none other than DUN DUN DUUUUN Chef Ramsay from Hell’s Kitchen.

“No, you don’t understand” Berry Punch began. “This isn’t real fruit, it’s just my cutie mark. Like a picture that doesn’t wash off.”

“Bloody hell. Now I’m stuck in a retarded lucid world of leftist pussy horses, who all have tramp stamps!”

“What do we do with him?” Twilight asked.

“That guy is bad news. He is known as a celebrity on our planet who very liberally swears like no one else.”

“I think I can deal with him!” Rainbow said brashly. Of course she thinks she could, she’s Rainbow, after all.

“Hey you! What in the name of Celestia do you think you’re doing here swearing everypony off?”

“Oh look it’s an ugly lesbian one!”

“What’s a lesbian again?” she whispered in my ear.

“He just called you a filly fooler.”

“Oh what? I’ll tell you what, Mr. I’msosmartI’lljustmouthoffeveryponyinsightbecauseIthinkI’msocoolbutreallymyballshaven’tdropped, you are just a big, mean bully.”

“I don’t take shit from lesbians. Especially ones that strap ears onto their heads and tails on their assholes. Bloody furries...” he said, mumbling away.

Rainbow hovered in the air, her jaws dropped. If it wasn’t for Twilight quickly holding Rainbow’s tail, she probably would have done a sonic rainnuke right there, destroying half of the town.

Ramsay skipped down the sand and cobblestone streets, singing “With muscles aplenty but brain oh so sparse; the skank Yankee bugger with his thumb up his arse...” to the tune of “The Man on the Flying Trapeze”. He kicked a mare in the shin along the way, and yelled some profanities obscured by the distance he was from us by now.

“Great. Just great.” Rainbow said sarcastically.

There was a flash of magic as a scroll combusted and disintegrated in the air in a green flame.

“I sent the princess an urgent message of the situation!”

Great, I thought. Now he’s going to call the most powerful being in Equestria an astronomical wanker. We all followed Ramsay, but kept our distance so as to not induce an attack, like a safari, except I am in Ponyville and we’re observing a British TV chef skipping around, singing an insulting tune about Americans, every once on a while stopping to make fun of somepony.

“So I told him, ‘why would I be named after a lyre if I can’t even play one because I have hooves?’, and he just shrugged and walked away! Bon bon, I swear the next pony to make fun of me, I will clock them in the jaw!”

“Ello you bloody twat!” a voice rung behind Lyra. She looked down between her legs to see what he was referring to. After a moment she realized that was an insult and a frown descended on her face and her lips receded.

“What did you say?” she asked rhetorically.

“Why are you green? Is your ‘special talent’ looking like barf? I’ll tell you what, I’ve eaten some nasty shit, and most of it looks just like your fucking asscheek coat!” Ramsay walked away, content, as Lyra’s last string of self-confidence snapped.

“Lyra are you ok? I’m sorry about what he said about your cutie mark...”

“Oh easy for you to say! You have an easy special talent!”

Bon bon’s forehead turned to a frown. “You don’t know what my special talent even is, do you?”

Lyra stammered. “Of course! Its wrapping- I mean selling candy, right?” she asked, smiling sheepishly.

Bon bon frowned and began walking away.

*

Princess Celestia descended from her skies on her chariot, accompanied by two royal pegasus guard ponies who were pulling her.

Everypony bowed down, so I did too, feeling a bit odd that I’m the only pony not on his knees.

“Alright, my faithful student, where is the bastard?”

Twilight pointed a nervous hoof towards the center of Ponyville with the fountain where I met Soarin, and sure enough he was there running around pushing anypony he could in.

“HEY!” Celestia boomed in her royal voice. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!”

“Look at you ya bloody cock licker. Your hair waves even though there’s no wind. How can you say you’re not a slut without lying th-“

A beam of magic flew at him and he disappeared in a flash.

“He won’t be bothering anypony anymore for a while now.”

*

Chef Ramsay woke up in a dark dungeon cell with a mattressless bed and an old iron sink. There’s a hole in the floor where there used to be a toilet. A prison guard pony slid him some food and spat on it between the bars.

“This isn’t a fucking airline, you don’t have to fucking make it seem like one you carpet muncher!” Chef Ramsay yelled. The guard, emotionless, turned around and returned to his post. Ramsay examined his tray. A scoop of gritty mashed potatoes and a dead rat with a thick glob of spit running down its leg. “Bloody hell, this food is almost as fucking disgusting as in fucking McDonald’s.”

Chef Ramsay examined the food, and pulled out a lighter he kept in his pocket. He twisted his left ear clockwise in almost a complete circle and a hissing sound came from his nether regions. He lit the lighter and a giant flame shot out of his little hairy butthole, coating one of the walls in flame. He dialed his ear back half way, reducing the flame, and put it under the sink. He heated the sink up until every time a drop of water hit it, the water sizzled and evaporated. Using his tray as a spatula, he tossed the dead rat and gritted potatoes on the sink, swinging wildly at it as flames continued to pour from his butthole.

10 minutes later the guard returned to check on him. He found the chef eating a 5-star restaurant quality meal of herb-crusted rat tenderloin with bacon and sour cream potato skins with garlic and sprinkled in shallots and dill.

*

Princess Celestia trotted down winding spiral steps to the royal dungeon to examine on her new prisoner.

“WELL WELL WELL!” she exclaimed in her booming royal voice. “WHO DO WE HAVE HE-“ she stopped, her eyes wide. Before her lay the lifeless bodies of two guards, one of whose keys were missing. They had died of cardiac arrest, brought on from repeated ruthless taunting and cursing. Her horn began glowing brightly and she disappeared in a flash, reappearing before Twilight, Rainbow, and me. Spitfire had long since flown back to Canterlot, but I decided to take a break with Rainbow.

Ramsay ran across a field not too far in front of us, flailing his arms wildly, yelling inaudibly, but more likely than not something one wouldn’t want to hear anyway.

“Alright, reasoning didn’t work, locking him up in my dungeon didn’t work, and we have one last alternative.”

“Alright!” Rainbow yelled, cracking her neck.

“What is it, Princess?” Twilight asked, the only one who didn’t know what she meant.

“We are going to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ASSHOLE!” Celestia roared, as everypony around charged at him.

Soon he was swarmed over with ponies of every color and race, getting pounded on from all sides. One tan pony with a blue and pink mane bucked him in the chest, knocking the wind out of him.

“Good job Bon bon!” Lyra cried from the other side of him.

“I’m still not talking to you.” She replied forcefully. “And don’t think you can talk your way out of sleeping on the couch tonight again.”

Rainbow soared out of the sky and swooped down low, landing a powerful uppercut right into Chef Ramsay’s chin. “That’s for calling me a filly fooler!” she shouted back, but not completely satisfied... yet. She flew up high into the sky.

“How’s that for a tramp stamp?” Berry Punch yelled, rubbing her butt down his leg, leaving a thick pasty brown streak.

“What did I do to deserve this cunt twatting?” Chef Ramsay sobbed. “All I did was show my support for the string theory!”

Suddenly time-space forgave him, and sucked him back into a worm hole.

*

“Ello ya bloody wankers!” Ramsay yelled from behind a counter at a few policemen who remained in the McDonald’s after the killing that happened... 2 hours ago.

“Oi, you!” one of the officers yelled. “You aren’t getting away this time!” he shouted, holding up an even bigger bat and holding it in his arms like a rifle.

“Hah, I can manipulate fucking space-time you buggers! I don’t need any of your bloody wanking twatteriness, because I control the string theory in my shakable mind!” he yelled incoherently.

This time the universe swayed and lurched, severely angered by the chef. A new wormhole opened, sending him to another paralleled universe.

“Great. More disproportionate bodies, more fucking cartoony shits, and more annoying assholes to piss me off!” he yelled at the creatures around him.

“You better watch your smurfin’ mouth!” one of the creatures yelled at him, pointing a sharpened stick.

*

“Finally we got rid of him!” Twilight cheered.

“Wait... did anyone tell Rainbow?” I asked, as I saw a cyan streak approaching the ground, already with a Mach cone around its body.

“Damn it!” Celestia yelled, creating a force field just large enough to cover us. Rainbow hit the ground, creating a giant rainbow-colored mushroom cloud which billowed upwards, and everypony at ground zero of the explosion flew outwards.

“Don’t worry, I got it!” Twilight shouted, and her horn glowed, along with the rest of the ground below us. “There!” she said. “I turned the ground into gelatin!” Suddenly a screaming mint-colored pony fell out of the sky and landed right in front of us, splatting against the gelatin, which made no effort to divert the energy, and red droplets sprayed all over the force field, sounding like a car going through a car wash. Celestia looked disappointingly at Twilight as the mangled body struggled to breathe. Celestia’s horn began glowing again, and teleported everypony in front of her, reassembling any who had the misfortune of making an early landing. She handed Twilight a quill and some parchment.

“Get writing” se commanded.

“Oh, I have so much to write about, I learned so much today!”

“Too bad. I want you to write 1000 times ‘when ponies fall out of the sky, I will not make the ground gelatinous or else I will be sent back to magic kindergarten.’, I expect it by nightfall” she finished, and flew back to Canterlot for dramatic effect. She could have just as easily teleported back, but she just couldn’t help but look at Twilight’s face, on the verge of tears. She especially loved the part when she sulked back to her library and began writing, only to realize the quill was of invisible ink, and it was a joke all along.