Side-Character Convention

Spike, ever so slowly, brought the letter down to the table. His free hand brought the cup of tea back to the saucer upon which it once sat. He stood, stubby legs shaking as he waddled to the bed, and picked up a single pillow.

This, he slammed into his face and screamed.

He whooped and hollered, and cried with joy as he danced merrily, occasionally bumping into the shelves and counters in the cramped space he called his trailer. Grasping the sealed box and letter, he rushed out, the door slamming shut behind him.

~~~~~~~~~

Plate. Cup. Spoon. Plate. Cup. Spoon. Plate. Cup. Spoon.

It felt strange, having to do this ritual so soon after the last meeting, but he simply shrugged it off. It was, after all, a special occasion, and he even broke out the tiara that matched his maid outfit. He then grasped the seven nametags that bore the members of this ragtag group. One by one, he placed them with due diligence, careful that they lined up just right with the seats they corresponded to.

Gilda.

Great and Powerful Trixie, The.

Prince Shining Armor.

Princess Cadence.

Scootaloo.

Silver Spoon.

Spike.

Smiling, he returned the costume and matching headpiece to the box in the closet, placing a blanket over it to help hide its existence. Poking his head out of the doorway into the hall, he whistled before taking his own seat at the head of the table.

He was met initially with stares, emotions ranging between anger and lust. Each pair of eyes were focused on him. He coughed, bringing up both claws to his mouth. “Look,” he began, “I know that many of you were busy with your own projects—”

“Too bloody right!” Cadence said, lowering her pair of white Chopards, “I was in the middle of shooting on my soap opera.”

“Which one?” Scootaloo beamed up at the pink alicorn.

“To Have and To Hoove,” Cadence replied, returning her sunglasses to their upright position and pulling out a phone, tapping away at the on-screen keyboard.

“Woah… I love that show.” Scootaloo melted into her seat, placing both of her front hooves on her chest. “I like to imagine that Spikey and I—”

“Seriously?” Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow, then scoffed. “I can’t believe you’d star in that garbage.”

“It bought me a house in Monte Carlo.”

“Good point.”

Gilda growled and slammed her hand onto the table, causing everyone’s gaze to drop down to the bandaged talon and its owner. “Look, I don’t give two shits about all this. I just wanna know why you interrupted me while I was getting it on with Gemstone.”

“Ooh, Gemstone?” Shining smiled, placing his hooves into his hands. “I always liked her mane, such a wonderful shade of vermillion—eep!” He was quickly silenced by a stare from his wife.

Spike sighed, waving his hand. “Let’s... just get to why we’re all here. You see,” he began, pulling the box out from underneath the table, “I got this package from a big company over in Japan who wants one of us to sponsor their product! This could be a huge deal!”

A general chatter arose from the group before the door slammed open, and the heads turned towards the source of the noise.

In the doorway stood two ponies.

On the left sat a pale peach-colored earth pony, her mane intercut with blue and white, and a ribbon wrapped around her neck. On the right, a slate-gray earth pony with a purple mane and tail, wrapped in a simple frock.

Coco Pommel and Maud Pie; the former fidgeting uncomfortably, and the latter staring off into space.

“Uh…” Spike hopped off of his chair, waddling over towards the pair of intruders. “What exactly are you two doing here?”

“Rarity told us that there was no room on the cruise ship for me, and Maud said shuffleboarding was against her religious views, so we decided to see if you all had room for us.” Coco fidgeted again, glancing at the group assorted inside. “I—I’m not sure if they have any extra chairs for us…”

Maud wordlessly stepped past the drake and took a seat between Gilda and Spike’s now-empty seat, staring down at the coffee in front of her. Coco shuffled in behind her and took a seat between Silver Spoon and Scootaloo.

Spike shuffled back to his seat and coughed. “Well, um… let’s continue, I guess.” Picking up the letter, he read it aloud, repeating the occasional phrase in an attempt to recite it correctly.

Good evening, side character Convention. Sending samples 'Stallion' selection and our brand is pushed to you would either. Will get a cut of the sale. Originally we this is wanted on the main cast they refuse, now we are seeking to participate in this great honor. From your friends in on the Smile of the Sunshine co., Ltd.

“And,” he added, “they only want one of us to put on the product.” Silence permeated the room as  everyone stared at Spike, most with mouth agape. The first to speak up was Cadence.

“The bloody hell was that pile of shite?”

“Well,” Trixie began, standing up, “I do believe this is a call for the obvious fan favorite. Trixie shall become the new mascot for Smile of the Sunshine company, limited!” She jumped onto the table, raising a hoof into the air.

“Since when were you ever fan favorite?” Silver Spoon huffed, tossing a silver fork at the blue unicorn. “You were only in like, two episodes. I was in way more, so I should be the obvious choice.”

“What about me? I’m an orphan!” Scootaloo waved her hooves wildly in the air. “Or,” she amended, “people like to think I am.”

“Well, if anyone’s going to go overseas, it should be me. Right, Shining?” Cadence lowered her glasses and shot a venomous glare at her husband, who nodded feverishly for several seconds before falling out of his seat, unconscious.

Maud simply stared at Boulder and shrugged. Gilda shot a look over to the gray pony, a growl forming on her beak. “What… Are you trying to be more uncaring than I am?”

“I don’t even know who you are.” Maud continued to stare at her rock, reaching for her cup of coffee.

“You son of a bi—”

“Enough!” Spike slammed his now-empty cup back into the saucer, causing every head to turn to face him—except Maud, who had now placed her pet rock upon the table and stared at it expectantly. “Now I, for one, am not going to listen to you all arguing. So, let’s try and figure out how we can decide who gets to take up this offer.”

Everyone grew quiet once again.

“Draw straws,” came the sudden outburst from Coco. “I… I used to have to do that as a kid. I guess it’d work here.”

“Okay.” Spike hopped out of his seat once more, shuffling his way into the closet and digging out a set of straws, one of which he bit the end off and spat out into a garbage pail. “So, who wants to draw first?”

“Well,” Trixie began, standing up again, “I do believe this is a call fo—”

“Oh, sod off, you pikey,” Cadence interjected, “nobody even remotely likes you! You’re a bitch!”

“Oooooh.” Scootaloo leaned in, excitement growing on her face.

“Did you just—I can’t—how dare you—” Trixie began to mumble incoherently, before huffing and jumping towards the alicorn, the sounds of hooves impacting on flesh resounding throughout the room. Scootaloo jumped next to the brawl and began to cheer.

“O-oh my,” Coco uttered, making herself smaller in her seat.

“Hmm...” Maud turned her gaze back towards her pet rock, eliciting a growl from the griffin next to her.

“Wait…” Silver Spoon stood up and walked towards the box, quietly poking it with a hoof. “Shouldn’t we see what they actually want to market us for?”

The fighting stopped near instantaneously, and everyone turned towards the gray filly. Cadence carefully removed her hoof from Trixie’s mouth. “You know, that’s not a half bad idea,” she muttered, carefully trotting over to the box.

Spike jumped back up into his seat and sighed. “You’re right, I should’ve actually looked to see what was inside first.” Carefully, he placed one talon on the end of the box, dragging it down the length of the tape and unsealed it. He waited until everyone else gathered around before flicking away the flaps and taking in the sight that awaited them.

His eyes grew wide as he stared, and his mouth formed the shape of an ‘o’. Gasps came from everyone around him, and several comments wafted up into the air.

“How would that even fit?” muttered Cadence, her hoof going over her mouth and an aura of magic raising her glasses.

Scootaloo simply stared wide-eyed, then glanced back at Spike with an almost dream-like stare.

Trixie quickly placed her hooves in front of Silver Spoon’s face. “This isn’t for your eyes, child!” She shuddered and peered once more into the box, before adding, “Trixie is still up for the task. Her standards have fallen… considerably, in the past few days…”

“I’ve seen bigger,” Maud said simply, heading back to her seat.

“Oh, that’s it. I’ve had it with you and your shallow appy—apara—” Gilda’s face contorted into confusion at the end of the sentence.

“Apathy, you chav,” Cadence chimed in, her eyes never leaving the box.

“What she said,” Gilda finished, bringing a fist up to eye level. “You and me, let’s rock.”

“Sure.” Maud sighed, reaching into her frock and yanking out a large, cylindrical stone. She slammed it into the side of the griffon’s face, and pounced on her as she hit the ground, slamming it repeatedly on her victim’s skull. “Good boy,” she eventually said as she stood, patting the rock softly on one side. The meek, dying caw of a bird rose up from the ground, which went quietly ignored as Spike closed up the box again.

“So, um, I’ll…” He shuddered, pushing the box further away from them. “I’ll let them know you’ll accept the job, Trixie. First, though, I’m gonna take a shower.”

Everyone nodded in agreement as they began to file out, with Maud turning off the light as she slowly strolled out of the room.

“Um… can I see it?” Shining called out weakly to the empty room. “H-hello…?”