To catch a predator: Ponyville

by Boomstick Mick

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 951

Chris Hansen travels to Equestria via the TARDIS to combat the growing epedimic of pedophilia in Ponyville

The Cutie Mark Crusaders will assist Chris Hanson in luring and trapping the filthy little filly fiddlers in the town of Ponyville.

Disclaimer: This is not a satire on foal-cons. If you are a foal-con and are offended by this fic, just hit the thumbs down button and get over it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-27 15:50:05 UTC

Destination Equestria

Chris Hanson sat naked on the red plush couch as he sipped rum from a coconut. He turned his head to the good doctor who sat next to him and said, "I need one more favor from you, doc."

The doctor wasn't sure how to react to this. Chris Hanson had already done so many things for him, and yet, he demanded so little in return. "I don't know, Chris," the doctor replied. "You single-handedly defeated the Dalek empire... And you helped me rescue the time lords from extinction. I sometimes wonder if I am worthy to be in your presence, let alone have the honor of doing you a solid. I mean, sure, there was that one time I played careless whisper on the saxophone while you made love to Captain Harkness, but I feel that I can never truly repay you for all that you've done for me."

"Shhhhh!" Chris gently brought the tip of his index finger to the doctor's lips with a burning sensual look in his eyes. "I only require this one last thing, my friend. I must ask you to set a course to Equestria... I have sensed a great evil coming from this place. The kind of evil that only I can thwart."

"Predators!" The doctor exclaimed before he urgently jumped from the couch, his long scarf painting a flowing trail of color in his wake. He dashed as quickly as he could to the controls and set the course for the journey through time and space.

Chris Hanson stood from the couch as the TARDIS whirred and rumbled. "Dalek, my clothes, please," said he. A dalek suddenly appeared and dressed him in his trademark business casual wear. The shell-clad butler's prong then produced a comb and quickly styled Chris's hair in a quick and efficient fashion before rolling away to it's room where it would remain until somebody would have need of him again.

"It never ceases to amaze me how you trained the last surviving Dalek to do that," the doctor commented with an appreciating grin.

"Daleks are much like wolves," Chris explained, "It's simply a matter of establishing dominance."

"And here I was, thinking they had more of a hive-like mentality... How ignorant I was before you came into my life... Chris, before you leave the TARDIS... There is something you must know... I...Chris... I....lo—"

Chris bounded across the floor and placed his hand firmly over the doctor's mouth. "No! Don't say it, you fool! Ours' is a love that can never be!"

Tears welled up at the corners of the doctor's eyes before the TARDIS indicated that they had arrived at their destination. Chris slowly removed his hand and silently made his way to the door, his finger slowly tracing down the doctor's cheek and down to the center of his chest before breaking from contact.

"I'll never forget you!" the doctor cried before he dropped to his knees and wept uncontrollably.

"...And I...you..." Chris replied somberly. He slowly opened the door and took his first steps into the unfamiliar environment of Equestria. "And I you..." He repeated once more as he watched the TARDIS seemingly fade from existence.

Chris took one last moment to remember all the fond adventures he had had as the doctor's assistant before he caught the stench of kiddie fiddler in the air. He sniffed at the air. He took in the aroma as if it were an intoxicating drug. He rolled his neck slowly and sensually a few times and stuck his tongue out, tasting the air around him. Oh, yes... His enemies were there. He could not see them, but he could feel them all around him. His pedo-senses tingled and tremored violently from within. It was time for him to get to work.

"You there!" he pointed to the first child he saw, an ivory white unicorn. "Would you like a job?"

"A job?" The filly asked. "How much does it pay, mister?"

"I intend to pay you with the knowledge that you have helped make the world a better place." Chris answered dramatically with his fists on his hips.

"I love helping my community! What will I be doing?!" The exuberant little filly squeaked excitedly.

Chris smiled and crouched down on one knee so he could be eye level with the child. "You know, you're probably the most adorable little thing I've ever seen. I'm thinking you'd make a good decoy."

The little filly's eyes lit up like a hearths warming eve decoration. "Decoy? Do you think there's a cutie mark to be earned in being a decoy?"

"I'm not sure what that is, little girl, but I don't see why not," Chris laughed, enjoying the young mare's enthusiasm.

"I have some cute friends. Do you think they can be decoys, too?"

"Sure, bring your friends! Do you happen to know any young boys? If you do, bring them as well and meet back here post haste! We have so much work to do! So many perverts to capture!" Chris began to salivate at the thought of capturing his prey while he watched the excited little filly dart off to inform her friends of the interesting new opportunity he had just offered to them. Chris took a moment to survey his surroundings. The innocent, cartoon-looking world in which he now stood: It looked peaceful - innocent even. But Chris knew better than to go against his innate senses. He knew that predators were afoot. The very same kind of predator he had made a living off of so long ago, and just like those predators back in his home world, these predators were soon to be his victims.