Chapters The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
Pinkie Pie was having one of the bestest days ever! The Cake twins were behaving, Pinkie’s reflection was cooperating with her again, The Tooth Fairy had promised to let Pinkie take over for a day, (next century), if Pinkie promised to stop calling in the meantime, and the Cakes still hadn't shown any signs that they had found out about the secret pets that Pinkie kept locked in the basement, (shhh, don't tell anyone)! But the really super duper special thing was that today was Twilight Sparkle's birthday!
Rainbow Dash and Rarity were coming back from Canterlot meaning it would be the first time all the girls had been together in a while, and Twilight's old bestest foalsitter Cadance was coming, and Pinkie couldn't wait to meet her for the first time. They were going to need a lot of food for that many ponies, but Pinkie wasn’t worried. Pinkie had done some snooping, and found out that Twilight’s favorite kind of pies were ones that were three-point-one-four feet in diameter and three-point-one-four inches high; the pie was in the oven now, and by the time Twilight’s party began that afternoon, it would be ready and scrumpdidlyumchious!
Everything was looking up; everything except that big, huge, red minotaur who was sitting on Sugarcube Corner's floor because none of the chairs were big enough for him and eating two of everything on the menu. Mrs. Cake seemed happy because he was spending a lot of money, but Pinkie couldn't help thinking that for someone with so many goodies he still looked like a grumpy old grump and so she decided to go over there and turn that frown upside down.
"Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie." she said cheerfully bouncing around the minotaur as he swallowed half a dozen doughnuts in one gulp.
The minotaur grunted.
"What's your name?" asked Pinkie, glad to see someone else around here showing a healthy appetite.
"Stone Resolve. When I require service I will call for it."
The minotaur reached for a fritter and Pinkie noticed something strange, "You're hand is metal!" she gasped, "Did you lose your hand in a cupcake accident and replace it with a robot claw?"
Stone Resolve paused half-way to the fritter and stared at her, "How could I lose my hand in a 'cupcake accident?’"
Pinkie chose to ignore such a stupid question and ask one of her own, "Did your hand run away and leave you?"
"It's a gauntlet, little mare!" roared Stone Resolve as he tore the metal hand off to reveal a normal red minotaur hand underneath.
"Ooooo! What are these?" asked Pinkie jumping up on the table. There was a tattoo of a chain that ran all the way up his arm (which was really long) and dissapeared under his big heavy cloak.
Stone Resolve shoved Pinkie off the table, "They're Drekarr tattoos; one for each ritual I've performed."
Pinkie landed in the seat across from Stone Resolve and leaned forwards, "So Drekarr is like a game and every time you play you add a link to the chain to remind you of how much fun you had?"
"Something like that, now please go away, I need to find someone and am running out of time.”
"Maybe I can help" offered Pinkie, "I know just about everypony around here."
"Unless you know a minotaur named Iron Will, you can’t help."
“I know Iron Will!”
“… You do?”
"Ya ha. He visited Ponyville about a year ago, and last week he came back. He does these assertiveness seminars where he tries to teach ponies to become more assertive."
Stone Resolve stared at her a moment in disbelief, "Could you repeat that?"
Pinkie complied and a moment later Stone Resolve placed a bag of bits on the table, pushed it away and rose like a mountain of tense muscle, scraping his horns against the roof. "Show me."
"Okie doki oiky!"
............................................................................................................................................................
"That's no joke, friends. Iron Will is so confident that you will be one hundred percent satisfied with Iron Will's assertiveness techniques, that if you are not one hundred percent satisfied; you. Pay . Nothing!But I pity the foal who doubts Iron Will's methods!" Iron Will stood on the podium, surrounded by his goat supporters and the eager cheers of his audience, "Iron Will guarantees he can take even the cowardly of pushovers and, with his easy, three step plan, turn them into a lean, mean, assertive machine!" he began flexing his giant muscles for effect. "Who would like to see a scrawny, scardy cat doormat, turn into a warrior overnight?"
"I would" answered a voice from the back of the audience, sending shivers down Iron Will’s spine as a hooded figure slowly advanced through the crowd, followed by a small pink pony. "Though it’s not me who needs to prove himself a warrior… it’s my runt brother. He fled a battle six years ago, leaving his war band to be torn apart by a dragon, and now he hides himself among ponies where he brandishes a virgin sword as he proclaims himself a warrior, bringing shame and disgrace upon his family." Iron Will stepped back as the hooded minotaur reached the hoof of the stage, and began searching for the most effective escape route. "The Supreme Battle Priest has died and now father has the opportunity to take his place. Only one stain to family honor blocks his path and so I have come, to either remove your shame from you, or to remove you from the mortal plane."
Stone Resolve threw off his cloak, revealing his Drekarr chain had grown; passing his shoulder and was now spiraling around his chest. Stone Resolve drew one ritual claymore from its sheath on his back and lofted it towards Iron Will, drawing an identical sword as the first buried itself into the stage between Iron Will’s hooves. "I evoke Drekarr; pick up the blade!"
Brotherly Kindness >>>
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
Stone Resolve whirled his blade in a star pattern around his horns, never losing his perfect combat stance as he waited for Iron Will to pick up the other claymore. He didn’t want to kill his younger brother; for years he had hoped that one day, Iron Will would return home of his own accord and redeem himself. But with each passing year his dishonor grew and now he had run out of time. Even now the minotaur clans were assembling; on the apex of the next full moon they would choose the new Supreme battle Priest to lead them; and Stone Resolve needed to leave Ponyville by tomorrow at the latest to reach home before the summit.
“Pick up the blade Iron Will! Face me like a minotaur!” The duel would begin the moment Iron Will touched his sword, it would end when one of them was dead; and as much as Stone Resolve hoped his brother wasn’t the weak coward he took him for, he wanted this to be over quickly.
Iron Will stepped back; his proud stage persona already crumbling, “I don’t want to fight you.”
“You have no choice!”
“Fight? Why would you want to fight him? He’s you’re brother, I thought you wanted to throw a part-” Stone Resolve kicked Pinkie out from between himself and Iron Will where she had foolishly located herself.
“Pick up the blade!” Stone Resolve repeated for the final time; he wanted to give Iron Will to have as honorable a death as he could, and there was no honor for him to win in killing an unarmed foe, but if Iron Will refused to fight, execution would be an acceptable solution.
Iron Will took a deep breath and reached forth to the handle of his blade; Stone Resolve tightened his grip on his sword. Iron Will took one step forwards, then dashed to the side and grabbed his two goats, one under each arm, and then jumped over the hedge wall into the maze behind. “Coward!” howled Stone Resolve , running to retrieve Iron Will’s claymore and then leaping over the hedge wall after him.
Stone Resolve landed inside the maze in just enough time to see Iron Will’s tail slid around a bend, and took off after him; catching glimpses of his brother as they weaved through the maze’s entrails. The bray of a goat came from the opposite direction but Stone Resolve ignored it; Iron Will was the only quarry that mattered.
Stone Resolve saw Iron Will’s arm swoop around a bend and then heard rapid, light steps running in the lane parallel to Stone Resolve. With nothing but a thin hedge separating them, Stone Resolve hewed an opening in the wall with one sweep of his sword, pushed through it, and spear tackled Iron Will who fell to the ground offering no resistance, no width and no weight.
Stone Resolve rolled across the ground wrestling with himself before he realized he was embracing a broken cardboard cutout of his brother. He rose, and out of nowhere; the pink mare appeared. Tossing aside the bottom half of Iron Will’s cutout she’d been holding, she reached through the hedge and withdrew a large pole, crowned with an inch-thick, multi hued disk, that wasn’t even sharp, and brought it crashing down onto Stone resolves head. The mare’s ridiculous weapon did nothing except to get caught on his horns, Stone Resolve raised himself to full height, hoisting the mare off the ground as she refused to let go of her… lollypop? A clawed gauntlet shot out and closed around her, but found nothing but thin air.
“Why do you want to hurt Iron Will!” The mare had appeared up a tree, outside of Stone’s Resolve reach glaring menacingly at him, brandishing a cupcake at him as if she thought she could threaten him with it.
“Do not interfere, ” roared Stone Resolve, “This does not concern you!”
“No! I know Iron Will can be a meanie grump sometimes; but that doesn’t mean you have to kill him. I’m warning you; stay away from him unless you’re willing to be nice!”
Stone Resolve glared up at the pink mare; this was taking too long. He picked up his swords and began backtracking to where he had seen Iron Will’s hoofprints.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Iron Will jumped over the hedge, into the maze, dashed to the right, and jumped over another hedge and out of the maze; setting his goats down to run beside him as they raced the short distance to his caravan. Iron Will traveled the continent giving his seminars so he never stayed anywhere for long and was always ready to leave on short notice; nevertheless he hadn’t packed up this quickly since that time he was chased out of town by that mob of psycho, totally overreacting camels. Within thirty seconds, Iron Will had stuffed into his caravan in no particular order: a lawn chair, a folding table, a novel, a small printing press Iron Will used to make promotional materials, and possibly, a small echidna that Iron Will made a mental note to search for later.
He grabbed the front of the caravan and began pulling it towards the road, with his goats pushing from the back. A claymore whistled through the air, wood screamed in protest and then in wagon toppled as one wheel came flying off. Iron Will grit his teeth and turned; beside his wagon was Stone Resolve holding one claymore with the other on the ground between them. “No more running; this ends now.”
“I don’t want to fight you.”
“Coward! Does honor mean nothing to you anymore?”
“It does,” he lied, “But that doesn’t mean we have to fight; there are other ways to regain my honor."
Stone Resolve hesitated, "Not many; for disgrace such as yours the only cures would be an honorable death, to slay a dragon or to kill me in Drekarr. A Drekarr ritual will guarantee your honor whether you win or lose and so seeing as how that's the only feasible option-"
"I'll slay a dragon!" Iron Will promised.
"You? You failed to kill a dragon with a warband of fifty minotaurs. The very fact that these ponies think you’re worth listening to is proof enough that there are no warriors in this village, and even if there were, why should I believe they would follow you into battle against a dragon?”
"I'll fight the dragon alone."
Stone Resolve slowly lowered his weapon, "Now you're sounding like a minotaur, but if you wish to die in battle my blade is as good as a dragon's breath; or are you really that concerned for my conscience?"
"I will kill the dragon; and live. The elders don’t dictate how large a dragon must be for it to be regarded as a slay."
"Any dragon small enough for you to handle would still be protected by its mother."
"Not all of them." Iron Will insisted, "Some ponies raise orphan dragons and keep them as servants; there’s one in this village.”
Stone resolve stared at him for a long time, then sheathed his sword "If you slay a dragon, I will revoke Drekarr, and we can return home together, where I will personally proclaim your deed before the elders and we can be a family once more."
"I swear it."
Stone Resolve sheathed his sword; “Go then, kill your dragon and reclaim your honor. I will take your wagon to Sugarcube Corner and wait for you there until sunset. If you succeed we will go home together, if you die I will bring word of your honorable death home; if you try to run, I will slit the throats of your goats, and hunt you to the ends of the earth.” Iron Will nodded, clasped hands with his brother and then turned towards Ponyville; and the Golden Oaks Library.
An Innocent Reptile >>>
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
Twilight Sparkle had awoken to the mixed feelings of optimism, contentment, and hunger. That last feeling had been swiftly and decisively dealt with by a pile of pancakes and syrup Spike served her in bed, leaving only feelings of optimism and contentment. Ordinarily a simple birthday party wouldn’t have had her anywhere near this excited, but this was no ordinary birthday.
This would be the first time Rainbow Dash or Rarity would have been in Ponyville for months, completing the Elements of Harmony once again; and Twilight couldn’t wait to hear about Rainbow Dash’s exploits as the Wonderbolt Captain, or Rarity’s stories about the top rungs of Canterlot fashion society. Even more exciting was that this would be the first time Twilight would see Cadance since coming to Ponyville, the day she could finally introduce Cadance to her friends and, if she was extremely lucky, finally get some real answers about why her wedding to Shining Armor was postponed indefinitely.
The regular morning routine passed quickly; Twilight finished quadruple checking her checklist for the party just as the last library patron left and was on her way to the door to flip the sign to closed when the door shook with a hollow boom. Twilight opened it to see a minotaur she vaguely recognized but couldn’t name, looking rather anxious, and somewhat startled to see her. “Hello, Iron Will is looking for a book on… pony muscle building techniques.”
“I’m sorry, but we were just closing, if you could come back another day-”
“This will only take a few minutes.” Pleaded the minotaur, growing more anxious.
Twilight hated to turn away any seeker of knowledge, but his timing was horrid. Still, the minotaur, did look desperate, maybe just a few – “Don’t worry about it Twilight; I got this.” Spike hopped lightly to her side, “You go on ahead to meet Cadance and Rarity at Train Station, I’ll help him find the book he needs and he’ll be gone by the time you get back.”
Twilight hesitated, she’d never left him in charge of the library before, “Are you sure Spike?”
“Positive; I mean our physical education section is small, so there’s not much to look through and nothing can really go wrong if we’re just looking at books.” Twilight felt her jaw tighten, “Unless the books are magic,” corrected Spike quickly, “But these ones aren’t. We’ll be fine, trust me.”
Twilight smiled lovingly at her number one assistant, “Alright then; you two have the house to yourselves.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Iron Will watched the pony librarian trot merrily away. She looked so happy, so – “Come on in?” invited the baby dragon happily, “Name’s Spike, now what kind of book can I help you look for?”
Iron Will crouched through the door and closed it firmly behind him, “Something that could help Iron Will make exercise routines for his clients.”
“Hmm, alright then, follow me.”
Iron Will began slowly walking behind the pattering dragon; he was so tiny, Iron Will could probably kill him just by stepping on him and say it was an accident. The dragon wasn’t even looking in his direction… because he was looking at the bookshelf so he could try and help him. Frankly, Iron Will was surprised that the dragon could even talk. He’d only ever heard them roar like ravenous beasts; then again, he guessed that’s what he should expect when he only dragons he’d seen were being hunted by his clan for hides and honor. “How long do we have before the librarian pony returns?”
“We got a couple hours easy; Twilight has some errands to run before meeting her friends at the train station at noon, and chances are they’ll stay and catch up for a while before coming straight back.
“Have her friend’s been gone for a long time?”
“Yea. Rainbow Dash won’t be flying in until later, but Rarity used to be one of her best friends until she moved to Canterlot last year, and Cadance used to be like a big sister to her, but they haven’t seen each other in years. That’s why all of them being able to make it is gonna make this Twilight’s best birthday party ever.”
Birthday party? Iron Will’s pet python Mr. Strangly had died on his eleventh birthday, he’d cried for a week before his father had ordered him to snap out of it; and this dragon wasn’t even a pet, he was a friggen kid!
“I hope they come right back though; Cadance and Rarity are just as much my friends as they are Twilight’s, and when the rest of the gang gets here they’ll have to answer the same questions anyways. I mean, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, we’ve all been counting down to this day for weeks now.”
This wasn’t just one pony’s heart Iron Will was going to break; he was going to shatter the celebrations of a whole herd of little ponies.
“I’d still like to help you out as fast as possible if that’s alright” continued the dragon, “Twilight doesn’t know it yet, but last time we were in Canterlot I managed to get some of her favorite jam, and am making her a special batch of cupcakes to go with it. The jam’s really expensive since it has to be imported from Oatlantis, but Twilight’s an awesome mom and I wanted to do something really special for her.”
Iron Will shook his head, why couldn’t the dragon just be quiet and die? Iron Will needed to do this to save himself; OK, maybe he could leave his caravan behind and make a run for it, but Stone Resolve had his goats hostage. Nort and Branjure had been his best friends ever since they met when he accidentally saved them from a hungry crocodile, his only friends since the three of them spent their lives on the road.
“Hey!” Spike was prodding his leg with a book, “You alright there, you just kind of droned out.”
Iron Will looked down; the dragon was standing on his tippy toes, trying to hand him some book on exercises, after a moment, his charade clicked back into place and Iron Will took the book, thumbing through it quickly. “I was hoping for something with diagrams in it.”
“Alright then.” Said Spike, taking the book back and moving his ladder to the next shelf over; Iron Will felt guilty, at the very least he should be helping the dragon look for the book - No! He wasn’t here for a book; he was here for the dragon’s head. Spike’s back was turned, all he needed to do was grab his head and body and give one twist; the dragon would be dead before he felt anything, no one would miss him for hours and by that time Iron Will would have left Ponyville. Nort and Branjure would be safe, and they could get on with their lives.
Just one twist.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Spike scanned through titles on the shelf until one of them nearly jumped out at him. Snatching it from the shelf he scanned it quickly, ready-made exercises, full body diagrams, this was perfect. Spike spun triumphantly, book outstretched, but the minotaur was nowhere to be seen. “Hello?”
The front door slammed shut.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Iron Will paced away from the house, trying to get as much distance as he could from himself and the dragon. He could still change his mind; he could go back in an hour, make an excuse as to why he’d ran out and– NO! Iron Will didn’t need to tell the dragon anything! He just needed to kill him! Murdering an innocent kid wasn’t something he’d feel great about, but he didn’t have many other options; he could kill the dragon, leave Nort and Branjure to die, or die himself… or for his brother to think he was dead.
Iron Will paused mid-stride, letting this new idea sink in. He’d faked his death once before to skip out on some bad debts and get the jump on those freakish assassin clans hired by that totally crazy camel sultan. If he could do it again, his brother would go away, and everyone would be happy.
Then again, if he was going to fake his death, why not do it right? Iron Will didn’t really want to go home, but father had always wanted to be the Supreme Battle Priest and if he could give it to him, without dying, he would. The most honorable way for Iron Will to ‘die’ would be to do it defending the cow he loved. Iron Will wasn’t really in love with anyone at the moment, but that didn’t matter, all he needed to do was make Stone Resolve believe it; except… there weren’t any minotaur cows in Ponyville.
There were lots of mares though.
Ponies and minotaurs had fallen in love before... maybe... on the other hand that might just have been story Iron Will read in a kids book; but that didn’t matter. So long as he could find a mare who was willing to pretend to be his lover, and they could convince Stone Resolve, this could work.
Iron will rubbed his hands together as he gave his plan the official Iron Will stamp of approval. To save his life, Iron Will's needed to find a mare, convince her to pretend to be his true love, convince his brother they were in love and then fake his death heroically protecting her from... something, and he had one afternoon to do it in.
This was a brilliant idea; what could possibly go wrong?
To date or not to date Iron Will >>>
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
4 - To date or not to date Iron Will
Iron Will limped down the street rubbing his right kneecap where that palomino in the stetson had bucked him; both annoyed, and very glad that he’d managed to jump back at the last moment, because he had the disturbing feeling that she was aiming for something higher. In hindsight however, Iron Will should probably re-think his wording in offering to pay a mare to pretend to be his wife for the next few hours.
CRASH!
"Oh come on!"
Iron Will followed the vivid cursing to a small, outdoor auditorium on the edge of Ponyville; where several earth ponies were hiding behind the remains of a massive speaker that had split open on the ground, from the vicious tirade of a white unicorn mare. One earth pony, presumably the crew’s chief was trying to calm her, “Settle down Miss Scratch, our insurance policy pays for this.”
“That’s the only reason I’m not kicking your sorry flanks! But I got a concert in three hours and if I don’t have working speakers, I don’t have a show! You’ve broken two speakers already, and that was my last spare; You guys are meant to be professionals!”
“These speakers weigh twice as much as you do, the ceiling where you want us to hang them is three times as tall and all we have to hoist them up with is this ladder. You’d need either pegasi, or a whole lot of magic to hang these up right; which you could have had if you hadn’t booked a crew at the last possible instant. The pegasi and unicorns got booked out weeks in advance by-”
“Don’t say that name.” Hissed Scratch, “It’s like she expects me to believe she needed to hire every crew of stagehooves in town except a quartet of dyslexic, earth ponies midgets! She hardly has any equipment!”
Iron Will was in need of a fake marefriend, and a public spectacle to fake his death; this mare had a public show in a few hours, and needed some heavy lifting. “Perhaps Iron Will could be of some assistance.” he suggested, stepping over the red rope and onto the stage and flexing his muscles.
The DJ turned and gave him a hard look which softened as she took in his stature, then indicated four speakers on a nearby wagon, “I gatta get these speakers hung up on the roof, but these bimbos are too short to reach; if I helped steady them with my magic could you-”
“No need for your pony magic,” informed Iron Will, already lifting two of the speakers, one in each hand. Being careful not to bang them as he climbed the steps and flicked them each over their respective hooks with casual precision; one, two, three, four; easy! The face of the unicorn showed his work was appreciated.
“Woa, dude! You got the like, best pecks ever; and you just totally saved my show!” The mare reared and leaned one of her forehooves against Iron Will’s knee, “Name’s Vinyl Scrach, but you can call me DJ-Pon3; if you ever need help with something, you give me a call.”
“Actually; Iron Will is in need of some assistance.”
“Oh?”
“I has a proposal to make; one which will benefit us both.”
Vinyl Scratch hopped off his knee, and looked up at his mischievously, “What exactly do you have in mind?”
“Iron Will needs to publically fake his death this afternoon, and wants to do it posing as protecting the mare he loves. If you introduced me at your concert as your special someone, dedicated love song to me, then arranged for someone to try and kill you, I could fight them and pretend to die in your place, then hid me somewhere safe overnight; Iron Will would be extremely grateful.”
Vinyl Scratch stared for a moment then pulled her sunglasses up, pulling with them the sides of her mouth into a demented smile; “That… sounds… AWESOME!”
Iron Will could hardly believe his luck, “Yes; of course it would!”
“That could make the best show ever; and I have just the toy to make it work. I got this fully sick motorized manticore backstage that’s one of those new robots that you can steer with magic; it breathes fire and everything, nopony’s seen it yet and I’ve been charging it up all week. We could bring it out, chain it up, I could start teasing it and making it do tricks, then it can get off the chain and try to kill me, then you come in and the two of you can kill each other!”
“… That could work.”
“And we can get like, lots and lots of fake blood and stuff the manticore full of it so when you fight there can be like blood and guts just everywhere and – ooooo this is too good! ” Vinyl motioned for iron Will to lean down, he reluctantly complied and was quickly set upon by the white unicorn whispering in his ear, with each passing sentence convincing him more and more that this was one seriously demented little pony.
“…That… could work.” Was all Iron Will could think of to say; seriously hoping he could talk her into a much simpler version of her plan that didn’t involve chainsaw nun-chucks.
“Yes; YES; it could!” Cried Vinyl, rubbing her hooves together maniacally, “But… it doesn’t really sound like my kind of show.”
“What?”
Vinyl put her hoof on his shoulder, “Look, dude, I’d love to help you, really I would; but I’ve already got a full show planned for tonight, and a wagonload of fake blood and death on my stage is a little bit more oomph than I’m cool with. But my housemate, Tavi, is doing another concert at the other end of Ponyville tonight, and she is like totally crazy ; up to her neck in blood and martial arts and all that sort of bling. She pretends to be all prim and classical, but that’s to shock people when she goes nuts, like when she hacks her cello to pieces half way through a performance and eats it.
She’s got five robot manticores and a whole crew of unicorns to steer them, and a dozen pegasi to smear fake guts around, but for the last week she’s been freaking out even more then usual because she keeps changing her mind on what to do with them. Go talk to her about your whole ‘need to fake your death’ thing, tell her the plan I came up with, and she’ll be all over you faster than you can say Tavilishious!”
“Your doing competing concerts… and you want me to help her?”
“I gatta be fair to my competition don’t I? We’re doing a test to see whether ponies prefer the conservative stuff like me or the really crazy stuff she does, but I couldn’t say I’d won unless I fought her at her best. She’s gonna do like a ten minute free concert right outside our house to get people’s attention, and then move to the theater on the other side of town, but if you left right now you could get her just as she started her warm ups. Go to the water fountain, take a left, second right and look for the blue house with the earth pony playing the cello outside. Tell her you want to help her with her concert, and tell her the plan with the manticores and fake guts and she’ll be begging you to do it! She’ll probably even pay you like, a thousand bits or something!”
“…Are you sure?”
“Am I ever?! She’s totally into this sort of thing; plus she’s nuts for minotaurs. You look in her room and she’s got posters of minotaur superstars and surfer dudes pasted so thick on the walls, someone could walk away with her walls and no one would even know it; I guarantee she’ll be gob smacked! Now go on, you got a lot of work to do before your concert big boy.”
Iron Will thanked the helpful unicorn and turned towards the fountain, “Wait!” Vinyl grabbed half a dozen flowers from the base of the stage and wrapped them into a bouquet with her magic, “I almost forgot to tell you; Tavi has this bad habit of biting strangers, but if you hold the flowers in front of you she’ll get those instead and they’ll calm her down. Also; don’t forget to get down on one knee, otherwise she won’t be able to hear you since she’s almost deaf from all her bucking loud music.”
Iron Will thanked the unicorn again and left; soon finding the musician and her house, just as he’d been told. True; she didn’t look like the blood crazed maniac Vinyl Scratch had described, but he knew looks could be deceiving. The mare nodded to him happily when he stopped to listen for a moment, and then stopped when he dropped to one knee and offered her the flowers.
Iron Will had considered saying a much simpler idea of Vinyl’s plan, but reluctantly decided against it. If the first plan he mentioned wasn’t enough for Tavilicious, she might start adding to it and from Vinyl’s description of her, there was no telling where she might end. He told her everything from Vinyl’s plan except the chain-saw nun-chucks but compensated for it by the added suggestion that Tavilicious dress in a rubber rooster costume so she wouldn’t get hurt using the any of the flamethrowers or crossbows.
For a long time the mare simply stared at him, her face betraying no hint of emotion; then, very slowly, she picked up her cello, walked backwards to her door, fumbled uncomfortably for the knob and then slipped inside without breaking eye contact or saying a word. The sound of the door being bolted and deadlocked broke any hope Iron Will had that she was coming back.
Iron Will sighed, thinking maybe he’d been had. He had about four hours left until sundown and he still needed to find a mare; any mare would do so long as she could hold a charade for a few hours.
The soft jangling of metal caught his attention.
Iron Will turned to see a zebra mare, wearing golden neck rings, bracelets and one earring with saddlebags stuffed with herbs from a Ponyville vender. What was a zebra doing all the way in Ponyville? Whatever the reason, Iron Will was in luck; a mare this far from home was probably lonely and Iron Will was fluent in Zaharren from staying several years in Timbucktoo. So so long as this zebra hadn’t brought any camels with her when she left the Zaharren, she would do perfectly.
Desperate Measures >>>
Author's Note
What could possibly go wrong?
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
5 - Desprate measures
Iron Will clung to the highest branch that would hold him of an enormous oak tree outside of Ponyville, doing a convincing and involuntary imitation of the thousands of trembling leaves around him. The clock tower told him he had been up here for nearly an hour, he should go back down and continue his search for a mare, and he would… just… as soon as he was sure that the mean zebra was gone.
He’d seen her leave Ponyville about fifteen minutes ago and disappear into the Everfree Forest… but what if she came back? A few more minutes wouldn’t hurt and if she did come back Iron Will would be safe up here; she was an earth pony, and earth ponies couldn’t climb trees.
“Iron Will?”
Iron Will swung around in one frantic movement, snapping one of the branches he was holding and holding it out as a makeshift club towards a lugubrious pink mare. Her cutie-mark identified her as being Pinkie Pie, but she couldn’t be; her mane was too straight, she was too still she was too…sad. The mare wiped a tear out of her eye and sniffed slightly, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“This is all my fault.” She sobbed, “Your meanie grump brother came to Sugarcube Corner and I showed him where you were. Now he’s back there with Nort and Branjure who he’s tied up and says he’s going to flay them if you don’t show up soon. I thought he wanted to hold a soufflé party with them; but when I asked Mrs. Cake what flay meant she told me, and then I got all scared and asked Stone Resolve why he wanted to flay Nort and Branjure, and he said what happens to them is up to you. Why don’t you just do what he wants, and then he can go away.”
“Stone Resolve wants me to kill the baby dragon that lives in the library.” Pinkie let out a small gasp, “The only other thing that would make him happy is if I fought him until one of us died.”
Pinkie slowly nodded, tears streaming in her eyes; “But you can’t just let Stone Resolve be a big meanie. Everyone else in Sugarcube corner left because they don’t want to be around him, Mr. and Mrs. Cake are afraid to come out of the kitchen and Pound Cake and Carrot Cake are crying; and Stone Resolve doesn’t… even… care.” Tiny rivers of tears began trickling down Pinkie’s face, “I asked the town guards if they could take him away, but they said that Equestria had a treaty with the minotaurs that allowed them to hunt down renegades in Equestria so long as no ponies got hurt, but really I think they’re just scared of the big mean minotaur.”
Iron Will watched Pinkie Pie weep for a moment, and then dropped his club. He wanted to go over and give her a hug, but remembered how unminotuarly that would be, and then remembered what he was doing before meeting that freakish zebra. “Pinkie” he said softly, “Iron Will has a plan to get rid of Stone Resolve without anyone dying.”
In a flash, the usual poofyness of Pinkie’s mane had returned and her eyes had returned to their usual bright mischief, “You do? Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you . Why didn’t you just say so before!? Now we can make Stone Resolve happy without anyone getting hurt, and then I can throw a ‘Stone Resolve’s happy without anyone getting hurt party!’ What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?”
Iron Will took a deep breath; convincing Stone Resolve that he was in love with Pinkie would be a stretch, but he was running out of time and options, “Are you any good at acting?”
“Are you kidding? I’m great good at it! Ponies are always telling me ‘Pinkie, you’re acting crazy,’ or ‘Pinkie, you’re acting silly,’ and that’s when I’m not even trying. So I bet once I actually do try I’ll be even better.
It wasn’t the response Iron Will was hoping for, but it would have to do, “Then listen closely; we need to convince my brother that you’re my marefriend, and then fake my death protecting you.”
Pinkie stared at him for a moment, blinked and then dove into a nearby tree hollow. Iron Will looked in the hollow a moment later but she was gone; so much for helping him. Iron Will sighed a moment later and began climbing down the oak tree; zebra or no zebra, Nort and Branjure were depending on him.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Iron Will had made it back to the outskirts of Ponyville and was on his way towards the market; there were always mares there this time of day and one of them had to have some sort of basic acting skills, all he needed to do was-
“RUN! RUN!”
“Throw them the lunches!”
“Turn left!”
“TOO LATE!”
The trio of screaming voices came round the corner and into Iron Will’s way as an orange pegasus filly on a scooter beat her wings furiously, pulling a red wagon with two other fillies, barely staying inches ahead of a hoard of bellowing pigs. One of them, an earth pony was holding a stick in her hooves with which she was trying to beat back their attackers; the other, a unicorn was hurdling the contents of three lunchboxes on the ground in front of the pigs, in a vain attempt to coerce them to stop to eat.
Without taking time to plan or think, Iron Will lunged forwards, hoisted the scooter, wagon and fillies over his head to safety, and then roared into the faces of the approaching of pigs. All of them stopped, save for one brutish sow who continued in her headlong attacked and was met with a swift kick to the snout, knocking her backwards. Iron Will lowered his horns, still holding the fillies aloof, and prepared to roar again; but didn’t need to as the pigs were already scampering back the way they had come.
Iron Will watched them go for a moment and then lowered the wagon down to chest level, staring at the three fillies who were huddled together hugging each other. “Oh my gosh!” quipped the orange filly, after staring at him for a moment in terrified shock. “You just like totally saved our lives!”
Iron Will set down the fillies and their transport; “What were you three doing?”
“It was Apple Bloom’s idea!” shouted the unicorn, pointing at the earth pony, “She was the one who thought we should try to be cutie-mark-crusaders-pig-dentists. Please don’t tell anyone!”
“Well thanks Sweetie Bell,” said Apple Bloom, “It’s not like it was any worse than your idea of cutie-mark-crusaders-chicken-barbers.”
“We’ll never get our cutie-marks” sighed the pegasus.
Iron Will grunted; the fillies were muddy and battered, but they’d be fine and he needed make up for lost time. Iron Will began walking away but barely made it three steps before he was apprehended by the fillies, “Hold on a second” protested the Earth Pony, “I’m Apple Bloom, and this here is Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo; you just saved our lives and we haven’t even had a chance to thank you yet!”
“I don’t have time to stop and play; I’m in a hurry.”
“What are you doing? Maybe we could help.” Offered Sweetie Bell.
Iron Will paused for a moment, trying to think of a lie that would make them go away. A lie didn’t come fast enough however and he figured they’d leave him alone if he just told them the truth. “I need to persuade a mare to pretend to be my marefriend, convince my brother that we’re lovers and then fake my death pretending to protect her from something to prevent my brother from killing me and my goats.”
“We can help!” shouted Apple Bloom.
This didn’t sound like a good idea.
“It could help us find our cutie-marks!” cheered Scootaloo.
They were joking; right?
All three fillies huddled together for a moment and then cheered out in unison, raising their hooves skywards; “Cutie-mark-crusaders-fake-marefriend-for-minotaur-to-fake-heroic-death-finders!”
On the other hand, maybe some local help would be useful.
Trains >>>
Author's Note
What could possibly go wrong?
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
Iron Will was tied to the train tracks! To his left he could see a cargo train came barreling towards him at a hundred miles per hour, intent on ripping him to pieces, as he strained against the enchanted steel chains holding him in place and the disembodied giggles of three fillies echoed through the desert air.
"You'd best give up, there's no escape!" gloated Flim standing a few paces off the train tracks, "No one's going to save you."
"And without your pesky interferences, we will soon rule world!" added Flam as both Flim Flam brothers broke out into peals of maniacal laughter.
The train rounded the last bend, and Iron Will caught sight of it's driver; the one eyed griffon, with a hook for a talon, grinning wickedly at the thought of repaying the injuries Iron Will had dealt him so long ago. He must have told the infamous Flim Flam brothers the location of Iron Will's hidden base, enabling their army of clockwork minions to invade and steal the secret formula to Iron Will's supernatural strength. If Iron Will didn't stop them, nothing would prevent this insidious trio from total world domination!
With one last great heave of enormous strength, and only seconds to spare, Iron Will ripped up an entire section of train track, and rolled to one side. The train, derailed swerved wildly to the side and plunged off the cliff into the gorge below; exploding into a pillar of flame a thousand feet high as the Flim Flam brother's arsenal of deadly war machines inside of it detonated.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!" shouted the Flim Flam Brothers together as they fell to their knees. Iron Will snapped the remaining chains around him and turned to face his arch rivals, ready to finish their ancient feud once and for all. Then, just when justice seemed certain, out of the wreckage flew the one eyed griffon, wielding the last and greatest of the Flim Flam creations; the dreaded laser cannon of death!
"...And then what happened?" asked Apple Bloom, spellbound along with the other crusaders by Iron Wills epic recounting of his life.
"That's as far as we got." admitted iron Will sulkily.
"What!?" shouted Scootaloo.
"The idiot camerapony thought he knew better then the directors about where to get the best shots from and stood too close to the cliff, right where the train was headed. He dropped the camera over the edge, smashing it to pieces along with the only footage we had of that scene, and would have gone over himself if the one eyed griffon hadn't caught him. Our sponsors weren’t willing to pay for another train full of explosives for us to do the scene again, so they canceled the movie!"
"Why did you only have one camera?" asked Sweetie Bell.
"It was a special camera invented by Flim and Flam, it was going to shoot the movie in 3D and make the whole film look real; but it was only a one of a kind. When we lost it we lost half the footage we'd made so far and the sponsors weren’t willing to keep funding us."
"That's horrible!" groaned Apple Bloom
"Iron Will was gonna be a friggen Movie Star!" pouted Iron Will "The first 3D action movie ever and Iron Will was going to be the hero! We were gonna make millions on it; millions! We were going to be bigger than Daring Do; but because Iron Will hadn’t yet learned the secrets of assertiveness, he allowed his dreams to be taken away from him. That is why Iron Will now strives to teach others the ways of assertion, so that they will not suffer the ways he did.”
Iron Will was sitting with the cutie-mark crusaders in the an ice-cream storefront; although the delay weighed heavily on Iron Will, he conceded that his chances of finding an appropriate mare were far higher with some local help, and taking ten minutes to have a clear strategy laid out seemed like a good idea.
The fillies all seemed positive that they’d be able to help Iron Will find a mare before the time was up, and each claimed to know several mares they could introduce him to, and now that he’d given them some of his background, they could work on devising a plan.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The train doors were opening, the guests were departing, and Twilight was ready. She hadn’t seen Rarity is almost two months, Cadance in over two years, but they both said they’d be here at four o’clock and the next train wasn’t until five. Ponies were streaming out of the station to the left and right, but no Rarity and no Cadance.
Twilight started feeling worried; there was a schedule to keep, a birthday schedule no less and if Cadance and Rarity were late, she would have to move entire timetable back. More importantly; if Cadance and Rarity weren’t on the train, where were they? What if they were hurt? What if they’d been abducted by – “Boo!”
Twilight spun around; charging half a dozen defensive and offensive spells simultaneously, only to find her looking into the smiling face of Cadance. Twilight gave a sigh of relief, “Don’t scare me like that.”
Cadance grinned, “Celestia said Ponyville had helped you loosen up, I wanted to see this for myself.”
Twilight giggled and threw her hooves around her old foalsitter drawing her into a tight embrace before reciting the mantra, “Sunshine, Sunshine, ladybugs awake; Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” after that; awkward silence.
Twilight had made a list of things to ask Cadance about while she was here, but honestly, she didn't care about any of the answers, save for one. Eight months ago, she had heard that Shining Armor and Cadance were engaged, and then a week later she had heard the wedding a canceled, with no explanation from either of them. Even more disturbing was that since then, whenever Twilight tried to get in contact with Shining Armor she’d gotten the feeling that he’d been brushing her off. “Cadance… you and Shining Armo-”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Said Cadance quickly, before noticing how harsh she’d sounded. “I’m sorry it’s just… I’ll talk to you later.”
“Before you leave?”
“… Maybe.”
Twilight nodded, utterly unsatisfied. She needed to know, but at the same time she knew pressing Cadance would only make her close up even more. She needed to give Cadance time to relax, and that means she needed to give herself something else to think about; another question like… why was Cadance wearing that green vest? That was easy; like usual Cadance wanted to avoid the attention of anyone recognizing her as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Twilight needed another mystery, something harder like… where was Rarity?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Rarity was at that very moment flying high above Ponyville in a chariot drawn by six model pegasi, all of whom looked fabulous, each wearing one of her most designer dresses which looked even more fabulous , pulling a silver chariot Rarity had designed herself which looked even more fabulous , in which was riding Rarity herself who was, of course, looking absolutely, positively, FAB-U-LOUS!
After making one lap around Ponyville, gracing the ponies below with glorious views of her latest creations, drawing a series of 'oos' and 'ahs' that floated into the air, soon to become hard cash as they scurried off to Canterlot to buy her magnificent creations. Rarity could have kept flying like this forever, but she did, of course have an appointment to keep; it was Twilight’s birthday after all and Rarity couldn’t wait to see Twilight’s expression when she gave her twenty-fifth birthday present; a twenty-five percent off coupon for her latest range of clothing!
Rarity had considered giving Twilight something more, (she was her friend after all), but she needed to be considerate to the rest of the Elements of Harmony. The coupon alone was worth three hundred bits, which was more than most of the other elements, except for Rainbow Dash, could afford on their pitiful salaries, and to give her more than the coupon would just serve to embarrass the others. She had in fact wondered if the coupon was a bit too much to give Twilight but if anyone brought that up she could say that it was an investment. Twilight was a model citizen in Ponyville, and Celestia’s protégé, Twilight wearing some of Rarity’s finest creations would surely be magnificent advertising, sure to pay for itself several times over by the end of the season.
Rarity called for her mares to land near the train station, which they did immediately, coming in with all the grace and style of an entrance fit for a princess! Some might think it a bit over the top, but Rarity had someone she needed to impress. Twilight had told her that the Princess Mi Amore Cadenza herself was attending her birthday party, and if Rarity could convince her to model her next range of dresses it would be another step forwards for her fashion empire.
Rarity stepped daintily onto the wet grass and was met promptly by Twilight and some charming pink unicorn mare wrapped some drably lump of green cloth. Who could she be? Why of course! Rainbow Dash’s and Rarity’s rise to prominence in society must have surely had an inspiring effect on Twilight to make something of herself as well, this must be Twilight’s serving girl; quite pretty, but Twilight really should dress her better.
“Rarity!” Twilight and her serving girl came cantering over to greet her; no, she couldn’t be thinking-
“Not the dress, not the dress, not the dress!” called Rarity, backing up before Twilight crumpled the feather collar of her new dress with a careless hug. Twilight came to her senses in time and stopped before damaging anything, Rarity breathed a sigh of relief and put on one of her winning smiles, “Twilight, darling, how have you been?”
“Great Rarity… umm…” Twilight was looked past her to her entourage. For a moment Rarity thought she must be admiring the new dresses, but instead she seemed a bit apprehensive and intimidated.
“Oh don’t worry about them darling, just my way of getting down here; infinitely better then that dingy old train, but they’ll be staying at the hotel so they won’t be crashing your party.”
Twilight nodded slowly, “O…K. We were just about to go for ice-cream, do you want-”
“Oh, what a splendid idea darling; but really I can’t wait to met Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, you said she’d be here.” Rarity thought for a moment, “You there;” she said, calling to Twilight’s serving girl, “Twilight and I are going to her house meet a Princess; gossip has it that she likes vanilla, Twilight likes chocolate syrup and I enjoy,” she took a breath, “one half peppermint swirl, one quarter banana frost and one quarter apple crisp, in a chocolate cone with two squirts of strawberry icing and one teaspoon of crushed walnuts; oh and… get a little something for yourself.” She instructed, holding out a small pile of bits out for the cones along with a generous tip.
Twilight and her servant girl stared at Rarity in confusion for a moment, though really she couldn’t see how she could have been clearer. Twilight looked like she was about to say something but then the servant girl got that tiny flicker of understanding in her eyes, took the coins and bowed, “Yes ma’am” and cantered off in the direction of the ice cream store.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The ice-creams were finished, the bill was paid and if Iron Will couldn’t find a suitable date within the next two hours, he was dead. The fillies were all buzzing with excitement, literally in the case of the pegasus. Iron Will needed insight to the minds of female ponies to find out why the other mares had been rejecting him, and he had three experts right here; “What to women want?”
“They need to be swept off their hooves” declared Scootaloo, “Blow them away with your awesomeness.”
“Ya need to show sincerity,” instructed Apple Bloom, “Show you actually care about em and ain’t just in it for their bodies.”
“Show your sensitive side.” Advised Sweetie Bell, “Prove you’re a poet at heart.”
“You can’t be shy; you got to act confident, take the lead, march up to her, and ask for a date.”
“But ya need ta show her you respect her.” Reminded Apple Bloom.
“I’ve always imagined my perfect guy would sing his love for me.” Admitted Sweetie Bell shyly.
“Good idea, but you also got to bust out your sweet dance moves.” Added Scootaloo.
“Show her that ya understand her.” continued Apple Bloom
“But you can’t come across as a complete weirdo!” finalized Sweetie Bell.
Iron Will was confused; he was about to ask the crusaders to clarify their advice, but before he had the chance, the store bell rang as the door opened and a pink unicorn mare with a light green tunic trotted in.
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
Cadance trotted merrily through the town center; completely unperturbed by the fact that she had absolutely no idea where she was going. She took the time to enjoy the sunshine, look around and plan her next moves.
Years ago, Shining had shown her Twilight’s first letter after coming to Ponyville, telling him about her new friends. At the time Cadance had made plans to visit them; but things kept coming up and the goal was gradually deferred. When Rarity and Rainbow Dash moved to Canterlot, Cadance resolved again to try and get to know at least two of Twilight’s friends but that also fell through. Rainbow Dash was always too busy training with The Wonderbolts and Rarity… fell.
Cadance had been to a couple of Rarity’s shows and watched as the aspirant fashionista cut and tailored everything she did and said into the molds of the ponies around her. Cadance had seen the same thing happen to other ponies who gained overnight fame; and it didn’t surprise her when Rarity started acting no different from her brother Blueblood and his cronies, what had surprised her was, how little time it took.
Growing up in Oatlantis; Cadance had secretly maintained a ring of friends with the proletariat that had protected her from being infected by the den of snobbery around her; and she had made it a point to not learn to exude the strict, secretive display of authority of her parents. This wasn’t the first time that someone had mistaken Cadance for a servant, nor was it the first time Cadance had gone along with it. She had always enjoyed a good prank, and been good at acting. She’d pull on the charade for as long as she could, have a good laugh and teach Rarity a thing or two. Hopefully Twilight wouldn’t mind.
Finding the town center for the third time, Cadance finally what looked like an ice-cream parlor and trotted in. She was already ‘late’ compared to a ‘good’ servant who knew the area and Cadance made a mental note to forget the crushed walnuts and strawberry icing on Rarity’s cone. Rarity’s reaction when she learned who she was would be more interesting.
The store interior was standard for most small towns, clean and vacant except for herself, and three cute fillies who were surrounding a large minotaur, who they were whispering to in hushed tones; probably pestering him to buy them something. The earth pony pointed in Cadance’s direction, the minotaur glanced at her and then shook his head causing the little pegasus to give him a light kick in her direction. The minotaur stumbled towards her, caught his balance, began humming some foreign tune, did a back flip, summer saluted into the air, by-passed Cadance and crashed into a set of tables on the other side of the store.
Cadance walked by very slowly and placed her order with the shop assistant while the owner berated the minotaur and picked up the fallen chairs and table. “Here, allow Iron Will to buy that for you.” The minotaur was suddenly beside her, leaning over her actually, laying a fistful of bits onto the counter.
“That’s OK, thank you.” Said Cadance uncomfortably.
“No-no Iron Will insists; it’s no trouble at all buying cones for a mare as beautiful as you, even if it is three cones, it's noce to see someone with an appetite, not that you have a problem with your weight of course, you’re perfect just the way you are; but of course I’d still buy you the ice-cream even if you were fat, because I’m not interested in you just for your body; but not because its fat, it’s not, really it’s… beautiful.”
“…Keep the change” Cadance said to the store assistant before glancing to the minotaur, “Have a nice day, goodbye.”
“Wait!” Cadance’s swift retreat to the door was countered by a s swifter block by the three fillies, “You can’t leave yet; not until you promise to be Iron Will’s marefriend!”
“Yes I can.” Cadance shook her wings out from under her tunic, jumped over the fillies and tried to fly for it, but the unicorn filly jumped forwards and latched herself to Cadance’s foreleg bringing her to the ground.
“But if you don’t help him, Iron Will’s brother is going to kill him! Iron Will does the best assertiveness seminars in Ponyville, the only reason he’s in danger now is because he wouldn’t kill Spike, and then he saved the three of us from a bunch of angry pigs. You gotta help him out!”
Cadance paused, and turned carefully; the storekeeper was doing his best to pretend he wasn’t seeing anything, Iron Will was standing a few yards off, not exactly looking threatening, “What does this have to do with Spike?”
Iron Will started talking, slowly at first, then picking up pace as he covered having fled some battle against a dragon as a young minotaur, his brother’s quest for honor killing him, deciding not to kill Spike, his plan to survive, and his failed attempts to recruit a mare so far trailing off with a vague description of being attacked by some kind of zebra-vampire-witch- leviathan… thing.
“You're brother wouldn't happen to be dark red and wearing a heavy gray cloak made out of animal furs on it, would he?” Iron Will nodded, “He's outside.” said Cadance softly, watching Iron Will tense up in a way she knew wasn't acting, “I saw him there when I came in; watching the store like he was waiting for something. I don't think he can see us now, but he will as soon as we leave the store.”
Iron Will swallowed hard; “Will you help me?”
“OK.” Cadance surprised herself with how quickly she had taken to Iron Will’s plan. While it was true Cadance usually tried to help people who asked for it, somehow the pleading fillies had convinced her that he deserved it and… it was nice to be needed. “So how do you suggest we fake your death?”
“Iron Will… hadn’t thought that far ahead. My brother will be hard to convince; if I leave a body he will check my pulse and I don’t know if there’s anything in Ponyville my brother will believe was dangerous enough to kill a minotaur.”
“Twilight could do it.”
“Who?”
“The librarian. She’s one of Celestia’s personal students; she’s been trained as a combat mage and once defended Ponyville from an Ursa Minor.” Cadance thought, “She’s also capable of teleporting, very few unicorns can do that so your brother wouldn’t expect it, and she has a large basement underneath her library. If you were to pretend to fight her in front of her library, she could teleport you to her basement, make an explosion where you had been standing, and make Stone Resolve think you’d been vaporized. All we need is a reason for you to pretend to fight her.”
“Would she be willing to help us?” asked Iron Will excitedly, “Is she any good at acting.”
Cadance thought for a brief second as memories of Twilight’s fanatical attempts to pair her with Shiny as a filly, always pretending she had nothing to do with the coincidences that arose any time the three of them found themselves together, “No, she can't act.”
“What if… Iron Will were to challenge her to confrontation in public, raise her to anger, and then once she has accepted my challenge to a duel in front of her house, you can tell her to truth on the way. Stone Resolve will be looking for signs of me trying to escape, so any large commotion should draw his attention quickly, but that means once we start arguing we will have to just go with whatever happens. Is there anything I could do that would make her hate me enough she’d act as though she wanted to kill me?”
“…I can think of something.” There was a flash of purple from outside the window, Twilight emerged from it and began galloping into the store. Cadance might be angry at Shining Armor, but Twilight hadn’t done anything wrong, was Cadance really going to do this to her, on her birthday no less?
Yes.
The Minotaur, the Princess and the Train Tracks
Twilight could not believe what she had just seen; she'd guessed when Rarity's regular letters had turned to infrequent postcards that she had been going a bit… off, but spontaneously giving orders to Cadance was bordering insane! This had to be a joke, Cadance and Rarity must have gotten together earlier and arranged this as a joke on her; well Twilight would play along. Either way, Twilight needed to find Cadance and apologize.
Her first stop was obviously Ponyville’s only ice-cream store; but it was empty. Realizing Cadance had probably gotten lost, Twilight double backed and began scanning Ponyville. Fifteen minutes of frantic search had shown no sign of Cadance and so Twilight double backed again back. A glimpse of Cadance’s coat through the window told Twilight she had finally found her, she galloped the last thirty yards, opened the door and-
“WHAT!?”
Inside Twilight saw Cadance, Iron Will, and very little space between. Cadance was standing on the very tips of her hind hooves, pressing herself against Iron Will’s rock-hard abs as her hooves rubbed up and down his shoulders with small grunts of pleasure. If Iron Will looked shocked by Cadance’s misconduct, he showed no signs of disapproval as he leaned down, his carnivores teeth showing as his hands moved way closer to Cadance’s flank than anyone but Shining Armor should be moving.
This couldn’t be happening, it went against every law of decency and loyalty Twilight knew of, and it was happening right in front of her! The embrace was short lived; at the sound of Twilight’s voice, Cadance turned, her face turning to fear as she saw Twilight and fell away from Iron Will, collapsing to the floor in a horribly indecent position, “Twilight,” she squeaked, managing to pull herself upright, spinning her mortified glance between Iron Will and Twilight, “This… isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
“What? Find out what!?” Had Shining Armor been experimenting with a new spell that changed him into a minotaur, and so canceled the wedding and been avoiding Twilight until he found a way to turn back to a stallion? That would have made perfect sense! Cadance having an affair didn’t!
Cadance swallowed slowly, regaining her composure and leveled her gaze to Twilight’s, “I’m leaving your brother for Iron Will.”
“Cadance! This isn’t you, you can’t be cheating on my brother with a minotaur!”
“Yes; I can.” Cadance replied firmly, “Shining Armor never gave me the respect I deserved as a pony or as a mare. For years I suffered in silence, telling myself that one day he’d change, but Iron Will showed me that instead of waiting for something that would never happen, it was me that needed to change for me to be happy; and have found what it means to be truly loved in Iron Will.”
“He’s not even a pony!”
“I know.” Said Cadance, closing the distance between them, “But love is more than matter, I had hoped that you of all ponies would understand that. I need to do what’s best for me, and I want you to at least try to talk to Iron Will, he’s really an amazing person, just give him a chance.”
Twilight glared up at Iron Will. Thirty different things to scream at the pederferous, home wrecking, advantage taking, cheating, back-stabbing, mare snatching minotaur were running through Twilight’s head; and none of them were nice. “Stay away from Cadance.”
Iron Will stared back at Twilight, and then Cadance gave him a small kick to the shins; “If you won't give your blessing to the union of me and Cadance, then I have no choice but to challenge you to Paerellk.”
“Paerellk.” snapped Twilight, “What's that?”
“I know what it is!” shouted Scootaloo rearing up; “Paerellk is a minotaur combat ritual that's sometimes used in matters of divorce or ending an engagement. If the family of the guy who got dumped doesn't like it; one of them can challenge the new guy of the girl who did the dumping to a fight.”
Cadance stiffened, and looked up at Iron Will worryingly; “Is that really necessary?”
“Of course it's necessary.” shouted Scootaloo, “If Twilight doesn't fight Iron Will now; it means she's officially giving her blessing to Cadance's and Iron Will's marriage.”
“Marriage?!” Twilight shouted at Cadance, “You're actually thinking about marrying him!?”
“I am.” said Cadance evenly, “We're... engaged to be married next week.”
“Next week!?” Howled Twilight, “How long have you been seeing him!?”
“Since last week.”
Twilight collapsed, banging her head against the floor several times as if the impact to her head would knock some sense into Cadance. She got her breathing under control, “And Shining Armor?”
“I haven't told him about this yet.”
Twilight was back on her hooves in an instant, her vocal cords ready to scream some exasperated comment as soon as her mind could catch up with her. “The only way you can stop this is if you fight Iron Will.” said Scootaloo cheerfully, “But it doesn't have to be to the death; just until one of you gives up.”
Twilight glared at Cadance, “If I knock him out you'll reconsider this?”
“If you knock him out he can't marry me without your permission. It's his way.”
Twilight slapped herself hard several times on the face to make sure she wasn't hallucinating; and when the scene didn't dissipate she breathed deeply and looked at Cadance, “I... can't forbid you from marrying anyone; but if I fight him then you need to promise me you're not going to move forward with this without thinking it through carefully, for like, a year or something; and talking with Shining Armor about this.”
“Deal; but you have to fight him outside your library, otherwise it wouldn't be Paerellk.”
“Fine!” Growled Twilight, slamming the door open as she felt another wave of anger coming over her; that Cadance could be so... so indifferent about cheating on Shining Armor with another species and then acting so casual as he challenged her to a fight! There had to be something she was missing here; but there wasn't any time to think. She felt another wave of profanity coming on.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Pinkie Pie was swinging through the rooftops of Ponyville, her bags packed, her party cannon loaded and ready to be the bestest-fake-fillyfriend ever! She had gotten Iron Will into trouble and now by golly she was going to get him out of out of it again!
When Iron Will first asked her to be his pretend-fillyfriend, Pinkie had wanted to say yes on the spot, but then thought better of it. If they had gone straight to Ponyville on their first date, and Stone Resolve wanted proof that they were in love, they wouldn’t have had any, but that had all been taken care of now. In the last two hours Pinkie had drafted a dozen romantic love letters Iron Will had sent her and stashed them under her pillow, framed one of Iron Will’s posters which she then hung over her bed and updated her facebook status. (She didn't know if Stone Resolve was as ahead of the times as she was, but she wasn't about to take any chances.)
She'd just made a booking for two at Ponyville’s most romantic restaurant, all she needed to do was get him there, and then start eating from her party-cannon. Iron Will would warn her to slow down, but she wouldn’t listen and then load her cannon with her latest batch of Sugar Surprise! Iron Will would then push her out of the way at just the last moment and eat the blast himself; consuming enough special pastries to put a grown minotaur into a sugar come for about three days, thereby saving her from death by heart attack and enjoying a enviable dose of sugary goodness!
Pinkie spotted her fake bullfriend right as he came outside the ice-cream store, bounded towards him and then up onto his shoulders, holding on by wrapping her hind legs around his neck and then planted a playful kiss on the lips. “Hi Willy; when you left this morning you forgot my picture.” She said cheerfully, slipping a rather saucy picture of herself in socks into Iron Will’s satchel, before letting herself fall to the ground in front of him, “Come with me! I’ve got a great evening planned with-”
Pinkie froze; her eyes narrowing onto the pink alicorn standing way to close to her pretend bullfriend! Pinkie’s mind backpedaled; what was it that Twilight had been yelling as she was dashing over the rooftops; ‘Cadance! This isn’t you, you can’t be cheating on my brother with a minotaur! Cadance! This isn’t you, you can’t be cheating on my brother with a minotaur! With a minotaur! With a minotaur! WITH A MINOTUAR!’
“You’re… cheating on me?”
Cadance, Iron Will and Twilight stared at Pinkie in shock, Iron Will tried to say something, but it was too late; Pinkie had seen through his lies, all the love they had pretended to share between them was nothing but lies, “YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME!!!!!!”
How could she have been so blind? How could she have not known that there was another mare in Iron Will’s pretend heart? There was only one thing left to do; prove to Iron Will that she, only she was his true, pretend love!
Cadance turned between Pinkie and Iron Will several times before stepping away from him, pointing her hoof accusingly as her face mingled with shock and betrayal, “Is this true Iron Will? Have you been seeing this mare behind my back?”
“Iron Will stepped back, raising his hands; “It’s not… I… umm… You’re both very special to me in your own separate ways but-”
“But who do you love?” shouted Cadance flying into his face, “All those times when you said you loved me, that you wanted us to be together; were those all lies you two-faced cheat?”
“Hey!” Pinkie didn’t care if he was cheating on her, no-one got to talk to her pretend-bullfriend like that; besides, it probably wasn’t even his fault that he was cheating on her, it must be Cadance’s fault, she must have been chasing after him every time Pinkie wasn’t looking, trying to numb his mind with her cheap royal alicorn charm.
Well no more.
Pinkie jumped into the air, caught Cadance and tackled her to the ground, “You stay away, from Iron Will,” Pinkie hissed, “He’s mine.”
Cadance glanced up towards Iron Will, then back to Pinkie, and then shoved Pinkie backwards, “Well I don’t see your name on him…bitch.”
Pinkie pushed back; “Floozy!”
Cadance slapped Pinkie, “Whore!”
Pinkie faltered for a moment and then jumped over Cadance, bit her mane and began pulling as hard as she could. A few steps away Twilight stood frozen except for one eye twitching sporadically and her mount hanging limply open until it managed to shout, “…WHAT!?”
Author's Note
This is where things start to get crazy ...
