Swiftly Falling Upwards

by TheSheepMaster

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1575

Gravity has stopped happening in Equestria. Discord is too stoned to notice. Celestia embarks on an epic quest to learn how to fix this crap.

Gravity has stopped happening in Equestria. Discord is too stoned to notice. Celestia embarks on an epic quest to learn how to fix this crap.

Warning - contains violent silliness, puns, chickens of various shapes and sizes, a hobo or two, mild language, hot language, fire language, poles, bushes, presidents, and holy swivel chairs.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-06 19:10:04 UTC

The Beginning of the Sexiest Adventure Ever.

Celestia was having a strange morning; everything was falling up. Trees dotted the skyline, along with houses and ponies of all colors. There were buckets and mailboxes, and rocks and fences. And Celestia herself was having a great deal of trouble keeping her own hooves locked onto the ground.

It wasn't a pretty thought: gravity taking a break. In fact, depending on how long it decided not to exist, Celestia might just have to find another student. One who wouldn't screw with what goes up and what goes down. Celestia could partially understand Sombra's anger towards her, but certainly not this. Did he even realize how hard this would be to fix? She'd probably have to ask Discord for help. Celestia burst out laughing from this thought. Ask Discord... for help? She'd rather ask a floating shrubbery.

As it turned out, there was a particularly attractive floating shrubbery right beside Celestia at that moment, so she figured she might as well ask. "Brave Sir Shrubbery," she began. "How might I go about making gravity work again and fixing all of this, as well as making sure all those floating ponies don't fall from all the way up there, and leave a nasty puddle of blood for my minions to clean?"

The sexy shrubbery was locked in thought. What could he say to his princess? He would have to think of something. He thought through the various options in his root-brains, until he came up with a fairly decent idea. "My dear princess, you must ask the great dragon of Everfree. He is far wiser than I."

"I shall, brave Sir Shrubbery! Thank you for your noble thoughts of noblehood and valor. I shall make sure you receive the position of head of my royal guard when I return and right this wrong! Now where, handsome bush, where will I find this dragon of Everfree?" Celestia looked up at the mighty shrubbery above her.

"They say he lurks in the deepest, depthiest depths of the Everfree forest. They also say he has the power to burn castles down with a single breath. They also say he is extremely talented at kick-boxing. They also sa-" the handsome shrubbery stopped talking, because he had been interrupted.

"That is enough, loyal bush. One final question I must ask of you." Celestia said.

"Anything for you, princess."

"May I use you as an Afro and call you George?"

"Yes princess. I am George Bush, your faithful green Afro." George said.

"Wonderful," Celestia said. "Shall we embark, brave Afro plant?"

"Yes. Yes we shall."

And they proceeded to epicly embark in such an embarkative way that the embarkerers of ages past smiled down on them from the giant chimichanga in the sky.

***

About five minutes into their glorious embarkitude, Celestia realized that she was having significant trouble sticking to the ground. She was in desperate need of something sticky for her hooves. "George! Bush sap is sticky, is it not?"

"Yes my pr-"

"Make bush juice!" Celestia shouted princessily."

"It isn't that simple, your highness. To obtain my sap, you must first cut me."

"Wtf, George. I don't just cut people."

"Bushes aren't people my lady, we're politicians."

"So many fancy words! Stop with your riddling and stick out an arm."

"Limb, princess."

"Fine, whatever." Celestia proceeded to magic up a sword that had been stuck through the uvula of one of her floating royal guards, who was simply whimpering and dripping blood all over the place. Celestia was going to keep this sword. She had heard the legend that a sword covered in the blood of those who protect the nobles has the power to instantly kill any kick-boxing dragon within a five mile radius. Celestia smiled from the utter frickin' convenience of it all. She did wonder about one thing, though. Why had the sword only punctured the guard's uvula?

The guard flew away, crying for his mommy.

Celestia then magicked her sword down onto one of George's limbs, drawing sap as she did. "Ewwwwwwwww, that stuff is green and weird looking."

"You just cut off one of my limbs... Nooooo!"

"Just so you know, George, I'm not your father."

"Aww. I always wanted a daddy," George said.

Celestia looked at her talking green Afro for a moment, before saying some crap. "I know I can't give you a father, but I do have something for you."

"Oooh, what?" George said in his gay voice.

Celestia reached onto her back, where a slot had opened up and a drink holder appeared. "Try this caramel macchiato. It'll make all the pain fade away..."

"OH YES! YEAHHH! CAFFEINE, WOO!"

"On second thought, take this vial of superglue instead."

"Wait... you had frickin' glue? Then you didn't have to cut my arm-"

"Limb."

"You... you didn't have to cut it off!"

"So?"

"I had never been pruned before. I was still a virgin!"

"Pshh, I'll bet you enjoyed it."

"That isn't the point, princess!"

"I'll give you the latte if you'll shut up."

"Fine."

***

And Celestia and George ventured onwards, through the towns and cities and out to the entrance of the Everfree forest.

"So this is where the dragon resides, George?" Celestia asked.

"Well," said George, "we must first enter the forest and fly for a few more miles, before crossing the bridge of forgotten souls, and braving the trench of razor blades, before passing through the waterfall of caramel macchiato refills, and entering the cave of death, which is actually the cave of deaf, because you can't hear anything in it, but the cave of death sounds doomier."

"Long sentence, bro. Tell me the short version," Celestia said.

"We go that way for a bit, before making our way through a few challenges and arriving in the dragon's lair."

"Ahh. Sounds cool to me," Celestia said as she held George down onto her head and flew as fast as she could through the dark and creepy forest, confident that her invincible awesomeness was more than invincibly awesome enough to tear any creature that would challenge them into a thousand, tiny pieces of that creature. OP much? Yes.

They hadn't even been flying for five minutes before they arrived at their first challenge: the bridge of forgotten souls. The only problem, was that like everything else in a land without gravity, the bridge, and the water under it, were floating high above where they would have crossed it. So all they actually had in front of them was a pretty wide, deep, riverbed.

Celestia was like - "I'mma do this crap!"

But George was like - "No. The riverbed is constructed of the remains of forgotten souls, and if you cross it, you will be cursed... forever."

"Meh. Fine, how do you suggest we do this?" Celestia asked. "And what is the curse, anyway?"

"I suggest we just go around the river. It'll take us about five minutes out of the way, but I'd rather be late than ...cursed. Oh, and the curse is ...unknown."

Celestia was not... ever... late. She grabbed onto George and jumped down before flying upwards and across the river, feeling just as uncursed as before the whole way through. "YOLO!"

"You stupid bi-"

"I can't hear you. Lalalalalalalala."

"You have just gotten us cursed... forever."

"Nope. See this magical pencil sharpener that's stuck on the end of my tail? That has the power to cancel out all curses. It also makes me crave bananas, but it's kinda worth it."

"Has that been there all this time?"

"No I bought it off that black market penguin over there a few moments ago."

"I'm not even going to ask anymore..."

"I also got this complimentary eyebrow curler. See how they glimmer, see how they shine."

"You have got to be the worst princess I have ever had the misfortune of meeting."

"Even after I gave you that caramel macchiato?"

"Oh fine, you're okay I guess."

As they neared the trench of razor blades, the milk bottles in the nearby trees could be seen curdling amongst themselves. Something about the trench was messing with their liquidness.

"How are you going to get past this one?" George asked, staring at the twenty foot long blades sticking out in all directions.

"Let's go through this one too!" the princess shouted as she ran forward with a stupid grin on her face, before stopping inches away from the really pointy pieces of deadly shiny stuff in front of her. "Or... not. Maybe we can go around this time."

"Brilliant idea, princess."

About three minutes into their flying around the razor sharp razor blades of razor sharp death, Celestia noticed a rather large gap in them. Perhaps large enough for them to squeeze through. As she neared the gap, Celestia saw a humanoid creature, garbed in white, and winged. "Who the crap are you?" Celestia asked.

"I am the a-hole who guards the garden."

"What garden? George, what garden is he talking about?"

"Oh. The cave is in the garden of Sweden. I thought you knew," George said with a blank stare - because he had no eyes.

"Alright then. And Sir A-hole, who is your master?" Celestia asked.

"The holy swivel chair who resides in heaven."

"Not the holy swivel chair!"

"Yes. The holy swivel chair."

"Nooooooo!" Celestia screamed.

"Celestia. He is your father," the a-hole said.

And Celestia gaped celestially. Hard.