My Little Conversion Bureau: Friendship is Fedoras

by A Large Handsome Walrus

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Human
Length: 1431

Equestria has begun slowly adsorbing Earth. Only: Spongebob, Santa Clause, Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg, Gandalf, Harry Potter, Squidward Shrek Darth Vader Morgan Freeman and Justin Bieber can protect us from the ponies and The Fedora Brony League!

Equestria has begun slowly adsorbing the Earth. Only: Spongebob, Santa Clause, Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg, Gandalf, Harry Potter, Squidward, Shrek, Frodo, Darth Vader, Morgan Freeman and Justin Bieber can protect us from the ponies and The Fedora Brony League!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-26 06:40:07 UTC

I'm not even sorry

The Conversion BureautismFriendship is AutismicNarrated by Morgan Freeman.

Hitler sat at his desk thinking, staring at the pistol that lay before him. The entire bunker rumbled violently for a moment, Adolf sighed. It had been only minutes ago that he had been so happily informed that Schwulpferdenärrischland became operational. The funny thing was that he knew it was wrong from the very start, now he was a dead man, his Reich failed, his ideas failed, he had failed. He could hear the cracking of gunfire from just a few rooms over. The Fuhrer sighed, tilting back on his chair. The room shook once again causing the ceiling fan to jerk slightly, the Soviets have no idea what they would unleash upon the world should the chancellery fall.

He moved his hand to open the desk drawer his arm unable to keep its self still. Opening it revealed a large red button, Adolf ran his hand down his face, he inched closer to the button, getting slower the closer he got, this is when Hitler truly understood what fear was like, wiping the sweat from his brow. He was about to push the button but someone grabbed his arm. Gasping Hitler look to see who it was, it was his first in command Nicolas Cage.

"We're going out together" He said, immediately leaning in for a kiss. Their tongues dancing in each others mouth, with tears flowing down both of their faces Cage took Hitler's hand and slowly moved to push the button.

"You'll never leave me right?" Hitler managed to choke out. The sound of gunshots could be heard outside the office, followed by the dropping of bodies, and then the clipping of hooves.

"In this life or the next" Nick leaned in for another kiss, and both of them pushed the button at the same time. The entire station started to rumble and flames engulfed the room.

"What do you think possessed them to do it sir?" An officer of the Red Army asked Stalin.

"Hitler's love for Eva was just too strong comrade." They inspected the two burnt bodies that laid in the crater before them, one had been clearly identified as Hitler but the other was unknown, but it was pretty safe to assume it was Eva.

"It's strange, why did he destroy the entire facility?" Asked the officer.

"I don't know, and right now I don't want to try and figure out." Stalin said, placing his hand on his head wincing in pain, a pair of arms wrapped themselves around Joe's neck.

"Oh baby you look stressed" Stalin looked over his shoulder, it was the first officer of the Red Army and his mistress John Travolta.

"You know how to make everything better Trav" Joesph moaned.

"I love it when you call me that" They both leaned in for a kiss...

70 Years Later...

A large built man was angrily stomping his way down the hall and burst into a certain under-preforming employee's office, he threw a newspaper on his desk.

"Tentacles!" The man shouted.

"Wh-Wah?" Squidward, who had his head on his desk dozing away. He looked at the newspaper, it was from the company rival. The headline read "First Conversion Bureau Opened!"

"You where supposed to be the first on the scene!"

"I-I was busy an-"

"I've had it up to here with your shit! You've got an hour to pack your stuff you're fired!" Squidward's boss stormed out the room. He just looked down at his desk in horror and picked up his phone.

"Come on, come" The answering machine activated. "Oh! Listen, Your prediction came true. Meet me at the place. Call the others." He then proceeded to grab his coat and jogged out of his office.

Deep in the dark basement headquarters of Thomas Pu$$ySlayer69 was browsing the web. He used Opera to do his internet searching.

"Ahh Opera why art thou so euphoric? Oh if only the rest of philistines would understand why you're better than Chrome. Le sigh." He tipped his fedora and went to go search for more trilbies on Yahoo! when he noticed something peculiar.

"Conversion Bureau eh?" Scratching his neckbeard. "It can't be! I must alert 4chan!" He spoke out loud to all of his no-friends.

Twilight looked into the portal with glee,

"Imagine all of the knowledge we could obtain from this new civilization!" She said giddily.

"Hmmm maybe, or we could just force them to assimilate into our society through arbitrary stupid plot-devices that make no real sense or have any real life justifications backing it up." God Celestia retorted.

"Err, what?"

"You see Twilight, these 'humans' are nothing but putrid filth that only live to create chaos and kill. Eg. Hitler, who 100% of humans agree was a good man, killed 11tymillionbillion other humans. Do you even understand how big of a fucking number that is?! Of course you don't you fucking pleb" Now Twilight understood 110% why the humans must be destroyed, because Celestia was a god n shit so nopony ever could question her for some reason.

"Lel k" Twilight said back.

"Good, maybe you'll make a good princess after all." The Sun Bitch said happily.

"If I may ask, how did these portals come to be? I read something on a riff opening around 70 years ago but there was no real information on the incident." Questioned Twilight.

"Hmm well you see those filthy rats tried to open a portal to our realm long ago, creating a sort of worm hole that will eventually combine our two worlds into one. But the riff was destroyed. But, with the help of our scientists we have managed to reopen the portal once more, and ensure our reality adsorbs their's. Equestria is inhospitable to these creatures. So they need to go through a conversion converting from human to pony, giving me more workers to build my statues."

"Em I think I understand."

"Good Twilight, good"

Squidward was walking on an old lane basking in the memories. Until stopping at a certain pineapple house, it had been years since the Sponge and I spoke. Squidward gave three brisk knocks on the door. After some fumbling the door finally opened revealing a very tired looking Sponge. His eyes widened when he noticed who is was.

"Oh um, hi?" He tried to hide his dour expression. Squidward sighed.

"Spongebob, the League needs you, the world needs you." He said handing Spongebob a badge. He inspected it and grabbed it.

"S-Squidward I cant, not after what happened..."

"Just think about it OK? We really need you this time" Spongebob's eyes where now fixed on the distance, as if he was thinking.

"I-I really need to think about it..."

"That's all I ask." Squidward answered back.

"Thank you" Spongebob slowly closed the door. Squidward sighed and started to walk away.

"Why are you doing this?" Questioned Obama.

"You have to understand, I have no control over what is happening" Retorted Celestia.

"Can't you stop it?" He asked another question.

"No, the only way to stop it is to embrace it! Our world cannot be inhabited by humans, so we propose the opening of many conversion bureaus to aid your people in this time of fear and confusion." Obama sighed giving up.

"Uggh OK, give me the contract."

"With pleasure" She handed him the forums with a twinkle in her eye.

"Why the fuck would someone want to become a gay fucking pony?!" Shouted Gandalf at the top of his lungs.

"We don't fucking know OK?" Santa shouted back. Getting extremely angry.

"Are any of you guys hearing this shit?" Asked Frodo. Bringing everyone's attention to the radio. It was an emergency broadcast telling to seek the closest conversion bureau to ensure your survival.

"What autistic dribble is this?" Demanded Darth Vader.

"None of us know what's going on but it's our duty to stop it!" Shouted Squidward, just back from Bikini Bottom.

"And how do we plan on doing that?" Asked Morgan Freeman.

"I-I don't know!" Admitted the squid. The room erupted in a ramble once more. Squidward sighed and took his seat.

Spongebob was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his eyes eventually wandered around the room until landing in something he held dear, he got up and moved towards it. It was his last picture of Patrick, before he passed in the incident... This made Spongebob think, he sighed, opening one of the drawers revealed a uniform.

"I'll do it for you, friend."