In Which a Certain Draconequus Hates Epoisses au Marc Cheese
In Which Food Plays a Role
Author's Note
Here's a really stupid something I just couldn't get out of my head after I thought it up.
And by the way, Discord makes a great inversion for the Knight of Cerberus-- He just makes everything less serious.
Don't be expecting the same level of quality as 'The Eagle Has Landed'-- I just threw this together. Just hope you enjoy it marginally.
--Cyan
In Which Food Plays a Role
542 BNM (Before Nightmare Moon), or 197 AD (After Discord)
“Sister!” The doors burst open. “They’ve breached the outer walls!” Princess Luna, Defender of Equestria and Ruler of the Night, was a mess. Her mane was matted and dirty, the strain of commanding the defense of the city obvious in the lines on her youthful muzzle. “We’re fighting a delaying action through the streets, but by the end of your day we will lose the city proper.”
“Then it’s only a matter of time,” her elder sister, Princess Celestia, said resignedly. “How long can we hold the castle?”
Grimly, Luna replied, “Not more than a fortnight. Our latest reports say that what’s left of the armed forces has managed to keep a perimeter stable around Stalliongrad, and other pockets of resistance are still holding, but without supplies none will last more than a month, two at the outside.” Their gazes met, anguished beyond measure. “What can we do, sister?”
“Nothing,” Celestia sighed. “Those weapons of theirs are uncounterable by normal magics, and should either of us stop from constantly reinforcing the magics on the walls, they’ll break through in hours. And with the drain those enchantments pose, we are in no shape to confront them ourselves.”
“What about the Elements of Harmony?”
“Their magic cannot be used to kill,” Celestia reminded Luna. “They would be corrupted forever if we did so. Even Discord was simply petrified, and he’s still alive—it’s conceivable that someday he shall be freed from his prison and once again walk the earth.”
The princess of the night stamped her hoof angrily, slightly cracking the marble floor. “Is Equestria lost, then?” she angrily questioned. “Is this the end of the peaceful rule we’ve tried so hard to keep?”
“What other options do we have?” Celestia asked. “Perhaps this is the end.” Turning away slowly, she said with heavy heart, “I shall order an evacuation through the Crystal Caverns. Perhaps they can make it to Stalliongrad or Vanhoover.”
For a moment, all was silent as the two contemplated this last act of Equestria’s sovereigns.
No one had been expecting the war. The Guard was watchful, of course, when Prance went through a protracted and bloody revolution, but the bloodshed never spilled over the border.
Then, for a time, things had seemed calm. The revolutionary government was fond of saber-rattling, but had neither the will nor the power to make their dreams possible. After half a decade, the Guard had finally stood down from their state of alert and returned to a peacetime footing.
Then, out of nowhere, a bright young officer in Prance’s ranks climbed to the very top, becoming a general in a matter of years through a series of minor conflicts. Naponeon was his name, and he was charistmatic and smart. However, he was also ambitious, and he seized control of the government with a lightning-fast coup wholeheartedly approved by the populace. This time, the revolution was quick and nearly bloodless.
Again, things eventually calmed down. Naponeon was not going to be easily deposed, everypony knew. It was only logical that he spend a few years consolidating his power base at home before he tried anything. Indeed, two years had passed without incident.
A silent tear dropped to the ground as the sounds of battle grew ever closer to the castle.
“No. This is not the end!” Luna proclaimed defiantly.
“What choice do we have?” Celestia said angrily, rounding on her sister. “We have no more Guards to call upon, no secret weapons to use. Naponeon has both.”
“We have... one weapon,” Luna said slowly. “Something nopony besides the two of us could hope to counter.”
Celestia’s eyes widened. “We cannot!” she said fiercely. “You would bring ruin on everypony within Equestria, invaders and defenders both!”
“Naponeon has already done that,” Luna replied. “You’ve seen the reports of what goes on behind the lines. Saddle Arabia has already fallen. How many other countries will be conquered before the tyrant’s lust for power is sated?”
Her sister chewed her lip in thought. “I do not think it is a good idea, sister—“
Luna sighed in exasperation. “Here is another reason. If we fail, if we lose control, will his reign be any worse?”
Celestia looked down, deep in thought for several minutes. “No,” she reluctantly concluded. “His reign would be bad simply in a different way. It is the only way to preserve Equestria.”
The two sisters raced out of the palace.
However, Naponeon obviously didn’t subscribe to the cautious approach. In secret, he had begun to build up his armies, and when he invaded Equestria, it had come as a surprise to everypony but him, it seemed.
Unprepared for war, the outnumbered forces of the Guard fell back, buying time with lives, even as the country began to mobilize with frenetic energy. But it seemed there wasn’t enough time—the assault had been without warning and advanced as fast as lightning.
The gardens were quiet, the sounds of war inaudible in the slight breeze.
The two alicorns stood in the statuary section, focusing upon the object of their hopes and fears. Six jewels lay beside them.
“Are you ready?” the elder asked the younger. At her affirming nod, both began to channel magical energy.
While it had required the Elements of Harmony to perform the original spell, the counterspell was much simpler and did not necessarily require them. They were best saved in case they were needed.
With a crack, a small piece of stone flaked off of the statue between them, revealing brown fur.
The stone continued to flake, slowly but surely, revealing beneath its grey exterior the fur of what had once been Equestria’s greatest menace. Then, with one great crack, the stone exploded outwards, revealing the creature within.
The draconequus Discord gave a great yawn. “Oh, how long has it been?” he asked to himself while stretching. “Two hundred years?”
“About that, yes,” Celestia said as she stepped forwards. “I’m sure you’re aware of the current situation in Equestria?”
“But of course,” Discord chuckled. “I mastered astral projection centuries ago. I may be powerless, but at least I’m an informed citizen!” He gave a chuckle at the princesses’ confused expressions.
“Then will you help?” Luna demanded.
“Help with what? Your little problem with Prance?” Discord examined a talon. “Not my problem. In fact, it’s spreading chaos wonderfully—almost doing my job for me, no personal intervention required!” He leaned down and looked Luna right in the eye. “Why should I help stop that, hm?” As he spoke, he produced a glass of chocolate milk and drained it in one gulp.
“Because,” Celestia said firmly, “Once Naponeon is done conquering Equestria, he moves onto the rest of the world—after leaving a tightly managed, perfectly ordered, authoritarian regime behind.”
“Authoritarian?” Discord recoiled as if Celestia had spat a particularly vile curse. “That can’t do, no, not at all,” he mused absently, turning the daisies into gemstones. “While I can approve of a good war, an aftermath like that... unacceptable,” he decided, crunching down the empty glass. “Alright, Celly, I’ll help you with your little kingdom. But...” he stretched out the word, “What do I get in return?”
“Well, first, you get to spread a little chaos with our approval,” the Princess of the Sun said smugly. “I’m sure you see that as a benefit. Second, if you keep it relatively contained, we might give you a little piece of real estate to have fun with—and not petrify you again.”
“Deal!” Discord beamed, shaking hooves with both of them. “Let’s get to it, shall we?” He flew into the air and spiraled crazily over the castle walls, cackling maniacally.
The two alicorns shared a glance full of anxious trepidation. “Petrify him the moment he finishes, sister?” Luna asked, and her answer was a nod.
As Naponeon Bonaparte stowed his looking class away in his elegant saddlebags, he smiled contentedly. It was only a matter of time before the keep fell, and then the rest of Equestria. The battle might as well be over.
Then, with a flash of yellow light, a monster appeared in the middle of his staff. As they all stumbled back in surprise, it cheerfully strutted up to him and grabbed his hoof in an enthusiastic greeting.
“Hello there,” he said. “Naponeon, was it? Nice to meet you.”
“And who are you?” the ruler of Prance asked in confusion.
“My name is Discord, and I’m Equestria’s resident spirit of chaos, disharmony, and general misery.” He dropped Bonaparte’s hoof and snapped his talon, grabbing a bag of sunflower seeds which had materialized with a flash of yellow light.
“Why are you here?” the general asked.
“Oh, nothing much, really,” Discord said nonchalantly, chewing on some sunflower seeds. “Just here to stop your invasion and all.”
“Guards!” Naponeon snapped, and the dozen or so which had been standing around in befuddlement snapped their various weapons up to point at Discord. “Capture this beast.”
“Oh, there’s no need to be so angry,” Discord said with false hurt in his voice. “I was going to offer you a few options, you know.”
Naponeon said not a word, and the guards advanced. “Hooves... paws up!” one ordered.
“Oh, if you insist,” Discord said melodramatically, throwing up his hands. “I surrender.”
The guard produced a pair of cuffs which he snapped together on the draconequus’ wrists. “Bit tight,” the prisoner complained. “Care loosening them a bit?”
In response, the guard tightened them further, drawing a wince from Discord. “You know what?” he decided. “This isn’t very hospitable. Never mind, I don’t surrender.”
“Too late,” Naponeon scoffed in amusement at the strange creature. “Take him away! I’ll interrogate him later.”
“I don’t think so,” Discord tutted, and with a snap of the fingers the cuffs were transformed into limp noodles, which he ate with a slurp. “Quite good,” he commented, ignoring the sword flat headed towards his leg to bring him down.
But when the sword hit, it shattered into a million pieces, and Discord grinned. “Whoops. Did I forget to mention I turned your swords into dry taffy?” Casually flicking the guard away, sending him sprawling fifteen feet, he once again approached Naponeon. “I don’t think you get it. I’m not some prissy mortal or even an alicorn,” he said, bending down to stare the pony eye to eye. “I’m a spirit, Mr. Dictator. I literally can’t be killed. Period. The most anypony has ever managed to do is petrify me... temporarily. And that was with some ancient and powerful magical artifacts, at that.” He looked around. “Which you appear to have none of currently.”
He began to circle the harried general, but his monologue was interrupted by the charge of Naponyeon’s personal guard—complete with taffy swords. “You asked for it,” he sighed, and half of them screamed as their hair was simultaneously turned into worms and then a giant eagle swooped down and took them in its claws, carrying them off to the distant nest Discord had called it from. The other half fell into pits of some gooey substance. One hit it face first, and as he spat it out of his face, he asked in confusion, “Hot fudge?” Desperately, they attempted to escape, but the sticky chocolate held them fast at chest level.
With those pesky annoyances out of the way, Discord continued as if nothing had happened. “Now, no hard feelings, Monsieur. You’re doing an admirable job spreading chaos and misery. I’m just not a fan of what happens after. Because you know what?” He lifted Naponeon up to his eye level with one hand, letting him dangle there and struggle uselessly.
“I may be a chaotic soul, but I know just what you’ll do after you finish conquering Equestria. Perfect, perfect order in the way you want it to be. And that’s not going to happen. That’s one strike against you.” He jiggled his arm back and forth, shaking the pony like a rat.
“Strike two; you’re not even from Equestria. I’m the Equestrian spirit of chaos, which means, to borrow a famous term, ‘What happens in Equestria stays in Equestria.’ It was bad enough when I was usurped by those so-called Princesses, but at least they were local, you know?” He swung Naponeon in a circle, listening happily to his noises of panic.
“And guess what strike three is?” Discord whispered, leaning in close and taking a deep breath. “You smell like Gouda cheese, and I hate Gouda. Three strikes, and,” He tossed Naponeon high into the sky, “YOU’RE OUT!” he called, a spontaneous umpire’s costume appearing on him.
Then, he teleported to the flailing Naponeon, several hundred feet up. “Bye,” he waved, before teleporting him with a flick of the paw.
With a whump, Naponeon landed heavily on a tiled surface. As he looked up, he was confronted with the sight of his throne—which had been turned into a giant taco. “NOOOOO!” he screamed dramatically, falling to his knees, as the throne slumped to one side.
With the head of the snake out of the way, Discord turned to the body. There was still a besieging army attacking Canterlot—and then suddenly there wasn’t, as they were all teleported away and arrived, in perfect marching order, on the Parade Grounds in front of the Presidential Palace, but with all their weapons turned into writing utensils, and their orientation, ground-wise, reversed. “The pen is mightier then the sword,” a giant slogan mocked, written in marinara sauce on the Palace. Their perfect order lasted but a fraction of a second before gravity asserted itself and every single Prench soldier landed headfirst onto the hard-packed dirt, with a collective ‘thunk’ heard miles away.
The draconequus slumped to all fours as the truly tremendous amount of energy required for such a monumental spell left him. “Whoo,” he breathed, “Took a lot out of me.” Tiredly, he summoned a cake and scarfed it down, the sugar rush perking him up slightly. Then, a rainbow light began to surround him. “What?” he questioned in astonishment. “The Elements... you tricky little princesses!” he cried at the two alicorns behind him. “You went back on your word! You... lied...” He began to guffaw. “I love it! I’ve taught you two well.” As the stone engulfed his torso, he saluted the two. “Celly, Lulu, wonderful to see you again, it’s been a blast,” he stated, throwing his arms out just as they froze into stone. As the spell approached his neck, he declared, “I’ll be back,” in some undeterminate accent, then laughed wildly until the petrification had finished and he once again lay still.
Both alicorns sighed in relief, but Discord wasn’t quite finished with them. As one last parting shot, a massive bucket of maple syrup mixed with chocolate milk drenched the two in sticky, sugary goodness, and the echoes of his laughter lasted far longer than it should have.
“Discord!” Luna howled, while Celestia simply sighed and wiped the milk out of her eyes.