PINKIE PIE DISCOVERS CHEMICAL WARFARE
By Cade YYZ
"I WANT A REFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUND!"
Twilight Sparkle, her wings shining in the cartoony and exaggerated sunlight, leaped away from the black vine that grasped for her back leg. She cast a magical bolt in the general direction of the vine. The brilliant flash struck the vine with the force of a comet falling from the sky, burning it slowly and sending a tingling sensation through the entire appendage. Sensing immediate danger, the sentient vine retreated.
The Ponyville Public Library was in a state of disarray- the interior of the hollowed-out tree was punched full of ragged holes, the last of which being the one with the vine. The floor was strewn about with books of all kinds, the endless volumes spilling off the edges of the shelves, piling onto the floor. Twilight Sparkle winced. She'd have to sort out the "burning" pile again.
Applejack, who was busy planting her hoof over the edge of a smaller hole, turned her head for a flash. "Twi, that witty one-liner don't fit this situation at all. In fact, you should probably be helping us defend y'all home from a plant siege!"
"I'm much too important for that." Twilight set down again, making sure her hooves touched the slimed-up carpet and not the floor. "You know the roles! I'm the newest princess, I can't possibly fight alongside the common people. You hicks are supposed to throw your lives away for me while I sit in my castle drinking and thinking up witty one-liners."
Applejack nodded, defeated. She had forgotten her place, after all.
"Therefore, Knight-Errant Applejack, give me my report on the defense of the castle!"
"Well, ma'am." Applejack stepped on another vine, which flipped her off and retreated through a nearby hole. "The vines have managed to breach the interior walls, and, well..."
"Well what?"
"Y'all can see."
"No, I can't. You see, nobles are supposed to be blind to the real problems of the world. And since the real problem is right in front of me, I've thought of a creative solution!"
Applejack looked over. Twilight had blinded herself with the red-hot pokers from the fireplace.
"Now tell me what's going on!"
"Well, as you could see if y'all hadn't just cauterized you optical nerve, the vines just so happen to be trying to EAT us." Applejack breathed, trying to draw in air as one of the vines choked her. Twilight looked on in horror, slightly to the left.
"Oh god! They're gonna breach the defenses! Element of Magic, activate Escape Pod Mode!"
Twilight, blinded, reached for the Element of Magic on the table next to her. She instead picked up a bowl of quick-cook Ramen Noodles. Slamming the plastic receptacle into her head repeatedly, she finally gave up when the freeze-dried dinner impaled itself on her horn.
The vines, no longer held back by Applejack, began to creep ominously towards the mare in the center of the room. Twilight Sparkle, embarrassed by her lack of composure, curled into a small ball whilst the dry Ramen leaked out of her horn.
"So this is how I die, eh? Alone, frustrated, and afraid?" Twilight Sparkle cried, obviously not thinking about the Element of Magic that she still had about fifteen seconds to put on. She whined in fear as the vines creeped closer, closer, close-
Wait, was that music?
[youtube=5gHiR1xeOSs]
Yes, yes it was! Twilight Sparkle sat up and smiled, knowing that far-away music always marked a savior for the royal lady!
Three...
Two...
One...
SMASH!
YES! The music increased in volume, screeching the guitar as a massive metal pipe rammed its way through the wall. Splinters from the impact showered the prone Twilight, sprinkling her with bits of wood and asbestos.
I thought we had that stuff removed?
She winced once more as what sounded like a megaphone poked through the hole, followed by Pinkie Pie. Pinkie was dressed unusually, wearing a camouflage shirt and a bandolier of brass casings slung along her shoulder. Her face was painted green and black, diagonal stripes leading down to her neck.
She yelled into the megaphone, her voice unusually low and gritty, as if from a cheap action movie.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNIIIIIING, VIETNAAAAM!
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
"Pinkie?" Twilight gasped, watching in amazement as the pink party pony drew a machete from a sheath around her neck. "How did you get here?"
"Shut up, muckraker. I'm not here to save you. I'm here to KILL them." Pinkie hopped down off of what was obviously some sort of artillery piece, running to the nearest vine and hacking it open with the machete. The green goo coated her face, splattering her features with plant gore.
She stood up, letting out a menacing growl as she dove towards the cluster of vines near the entrance. Stopping short of the range of her machete, Pinkie instead drew some sort of firearm from her back.
Wait, wha-
Twilight's thinking was interrupted by a thunder of cracks, originating from Pinkie's gun. The pink pony gritted her teeth, standing on two legs as the vines were completely obliterated by the salvo of gunfire. The green goo flew everywhere, filling the room like a seriously fucked-up Cuisinart accident.
"Now I guess that's what you call a sticky situation." Pinkie took off the glasses that Twilight hadn't noticed until now, flashing a winning smile behind the war-paint.
"Alright then. RAINBOW DASH!" Pinkie bellowed at the top of her lungs.
Rainbow Dash zoomed overhead, dousing the area in a sticky substance like a crop sprayer. The vines hissed, spitting as they retreated once more.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
TWO MINUTES LATER
The sun came out and beamed cheerfully at Twilight and Pinkie. A warm breeze wafted through the trees and lifted the dust from the wrecked library, carrying the asbestos wind into Ponyville.
The sound of voices, coming from the destroyed tree, lilted to the two foals who just so happened to be walking by. They stopped in surprise at the sight of Twilight and Pinkie.
"HAHAHHAHAH! APPLEJACK IS DEAD AND I'M GONNA HAVE DEFORMED KIDS!"
They didn't stick around to hear the rest. They were busy calling 9-1-1.
Author's Note
Oh, god. This is so badly written.
But this is what happens when I just sit down and write. Like and fave if you enjoyed the results.
