Rude Awakening

by ponyaddict

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 18549

Sam wakes up in Equestria stark naked and with no clue how he got there.

Sam wakes up in Equestria stark naked and with no clue how he got there. More problematically, he seems to be in somepony's home.

Teen for nudity and the awkward situations arising from said nudity.

A rewrite of Make Friends, or Die! by Sam Polson (which has since been taken down). I liked the premise, but Sam's English was spotty and Google Translate didn't help him much. Starts going in its own direction fairly quickly.

Published 2012-03-19 13:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-14 03:30:29 UTC

Cold and Not Alone

Upon waking up one day, I found that something unforgettable had happened. Little did I know at the time, though, it was just the beginning.

I was a 20 year-old, on-again-off-again college student working retail to pay the bills and save enough for my next quarter of junior college. To make matters worse, it wasn't even a commissioned or incentivized position. It was simply “used book store lackey.” The money wasn't great, but in a way it was a good fit for me. I didn't like confrontations much, and in a used book store there's not much that customers demand from you. It mostly consisted of going in, moving some books around, tending the register, and going home on time. There was even time to do homework on the slow days.

Oh, what I would've given for a slow day. My name is Sam, and this is the story of my trip to Equestria.

I woke up freezing. I was lying on the floor of a bathroom. Funny thing was, I had no memory of how I got there or where it was. It definitely wasn't my house, work, or any of my friends' places. Where was I? How did I get here? These were the questions that troubled me. A vivid recollection of going to sleep in my own bed the night before served as an anchor point as I traced out the events in my head. I had come home from work, watched some TV, made and ate dinner, visited my usual web haunts, and then turned in early for the night. Having never been much of a sleep walker or drinker, the most obvious solution presenting itself was foul play. My anger began rising, but was soon one-upped as I took better stock of my surroundings.

I was stark naked. Whoever had kidnapped me didn't even leave my socks on, and my glasses seemed to be missing to boot.

Convinced I couldn't get much angrier, I was proven wrong for a second time in as many minutes. Squashed under the small of my back was something soft and football sized, judging from the impression. Rolling over and picking myself up to my knees, I got my first glimpse of the object.

A Twilight Sparkle plushy. So in addition to abducting me and stripping me naked, my "benefactors" also had a sense of humor. Great.

As I kept running through possibilities in my head, trying to come up with some plausible explanation for the situation other than the obvious “I'm screwed”, it occurred to me that the plushy would at least give me something to maintain a shred of dignity. As I considered this angle further, I noted with dismay that the bathroom did not contain any towels big enough to wrap around my waist.

Thinking further on the question of body covering, would it have hurt for them to turn the heater up? It was downright frigid in that room, and the tile wasn't helping much either. I was shivering, and my teeth followed suit shortly with some light chattering. Making a move to stand up, I did not observe how low the ceiling was. My head impacted it plenty hard to correct my negligence, however.

What happens, one might ask, when one's head collides with a ceiling? Well, if one hits a joist, one is likely to jam one's neck in a bad way. If one does not, one likely smashes a dent in the sheet rock. In my case, I avoided severe cervical compression and escaped with damaging the ceiling. Which still hurts.

By the by, the stuff they make wall sub-straights out of is crumbly, dusty stuff. Unfortunately for my sinuses, the dust cloud came down straight on my head, where it was promptly inhaled as I drew breath to express my pain and displeasure at my mild cranial trauma.

Try as I might, the resulting involuntary nasal reaction could be described as... howitzer-like. In the small, hard surfaced bathroom my ears were left ringing slightly.

“Did you hear that?” a female voice asked in the next room. That made one of my fears a little less likely, but raised new ones, and new questions. I wasn't bound, which meant my captors had little fear of me trying to escape. I had assumed this was because my abductor was male and physically strong enough to restrain me if I tried to bolt. Moving stacks of books had left me fit enough to be stronger than an average woman. Thus a female voice, barring her being a body builder, insinuated she would be relying on locks or weapons. The door knob showed no sign of a locking device.

“It sounded like a sneeze,” replied a young male voice.

“Maybe. If cannons could sneeze.” This time her voice was closer to the door. At this point, new information started coming in a little faster than I could process it and in patterns I wasn't expecting. Item the first: the people in the next room did not seem to be acting as if they knew I was in here. Item the second: her footsteps sounded like tap shoes, but there was something off about the cadence. Item the third: the doorknob was glowing with a purple aura.

Several things occurred to me later as possible alternate explanations for my predicament. What if I had been delivered by a friend of hers as part of some sort of fantasy fulfillment? If I truly had been delivered to some pretty girl that was going to appreciate my presence, I probably would have played it cool until I could find the abductors and level charges. But what if my presence was a prank? Then the two of us were about to have a very awkward time in a moment. This is all considered in hindsight, as I had run out of time to think things through to this degree at the time.

As it turned out, the second scenario was the closest to reality.

I moved the plushy hurriedly to cover what I could as the door swung open and I was left kneeling, staring straight into the face of a dumbfounded... purple thing.

Both of us stared at the other for a moment, mouths agape. What I was looking at shouldn't be possible. Purple. Quadruped. Horned. Equine. Bangs with stripes. It was Twilight Sparkle, in the flesh. I was the first to break the silence, as I wanted to get a head start on explaining what an alien creature was doing uninvited in her bathroom, naked.

“Look, I thi--” I began. I didn't get the chance to finish my defusal line as Twilight sprang into motion. And screaming.

“Ahhhhh!” My ears were subjected to another battering assault by the acoustics of the small bathroom as the Unicorn turned tail in panic and raised her rear legs to buck. Luckily, she didn't have Applejack's reflexes or speed. Unluckily, I was on my knees with my feet splayed behind me. I dodged the only way I could, leaning back under the strike.

Hooves connecting with nothing but air, Twilight lost her balance. Unfortunately, a pony at full extension that loses its balance tends to fall straight down. Onto whatever is below it. Namely my lap, in this instance. My entirely nude lap covered only by a small plushy of the pony crashing down on me. At the time, though, I did not have time to contemplate how awkward this should have been for me.

Seeing an open window on the now-inverted opposite wall, I rolled to all fours as quickly as I could. Which was not terribly fast when entangled by a prodigiously panicked prodigal pony, perhaps, but it was fast enough. Nonathletic quadrupeds have trouble getting up when their hind legs are trying to get purchase on a hurried hapless human who hates having horses hate him.

Scrambling out the open window, I found myself on the streets of Ponyville. Hearing the pony inside regaining her hooves, I knew my time was short. A calm Twilight Sparkle would simply grab me with magic before I had a chance to adequately explain myself, something I did not relish the thought of even to a calm Twilight, so I needed to get out of sight quickly. Not to mention the citizenry would probably have a similar reaction, given how poorly they responded to something as simple as a zebra.

I sprinted for the nearest building and ducked behind it, I might be able to deal with passerby for now but Twilight probably less so. I needed time to construct a plan of action. Seeing the river nearby, I came up with my next step. Peeking slightly around the corner to look back at the library, I saw Twilight rush out the front door. She looked to her left, then to her right, but not seeing me in plain view hesitated a moment. She proceeded to ignite her horn and disappear in a flash. Normally, I would have been excited to have witnessed teleportation firsthand, but when it's being done to search for you it's... it's a little unsettling.

My immediate pursuit gone, I bolted for the better cover of the nearby bridge. I stuffed myself up underneath the supports on the close side, and began planning. The best course of action, I figured, was to find one of her friends to tell my story to so they could calm Twilight down for me. I had little hope for talking to her directly; showing up unannounced in someone's home does not a good first impression make. I would have to move fast, though, as Twilight was probably off recruiting help for her search right now. Who would she get to join her first? I put my bets on Rainbow Dash, given that she theoretically was the best suited to search for a land-bound quarry.

If Twilight was going for Rainbow Dash, that gave me a bit of time. The Pegasus was notoriously lazy when disturbed, and often not to be found in a predictable location. Her state was fairly predictable, though: napping. I considered my choices of who to contact. Applejack and Fluttershy lived on the outskirts of town or beyond, ruling them out as good candidates for a first pick. Possibly as fallbacks if Twilight or Rainbow made it to Rarity or Pinkie Pie before I did. The cover was better outside of town, and would discourage searching for me there to begin with. So my choice was Rarity or Pinkie Pie. I was in the odd position, however, of knowing what their residences looked like but not where they were. I supposed I would just have to take whichever I came across first, and possibly swing by Rarity's shop anyway for clothing. The ponies might not care about nudity, but the sun was setting fast and it was already getting chilly.

I peeked out from under the bridge cautiously and looked around. Nopony in sight, I was clear to start my way back into town. Slinking from my hiding place, I immediately noticed Carousel Boutique directly ahead of me a block or two down the street. What luck!

I cautiously moved from cover to cover, building to building, trying to stay away from the road proper as much as possible. There was only one close call involving a yellow coated Pegasus, but she apparently either didn't see me or didn't care. I was too busy hiding behind an almost-too-small shrub to observe closely. Some tense minutes later I had arrived in Rarity's hedge in front of the Boutique. Well, nothing for it.

I got out of the shrub and squared my shoulders, facing the door. Well, shoulder. The right one was still holding the doll in place for decency's sake. I gathered my courage and knocked.

Fashion's Embrace

“It's open, dear! Come right in,” I heard the proprietor call from inside. I opened the door, the bell above it chiming my entry. Entering the main showroom of Carousel Boutique, it started to really hit me where I was. I was standing there, surrounded by gem encrusted horse dresses. The bright and garish (but tasteful!) decorations of the interior were just like the show. Racks of Rarity's finest were arranged in neat rows, her favorite works on ponnequins in the windows. I stared, mouth agape, for several moments just taking in the room.

I came to my senses when I heard the dressmaker call out from the workroom, “I'll be in in just a minute, I'm just putting some pins in this so I can walk away from it.” I realized, a little late, that there might be a repeat of the incident at the library if I didn't get a chance to prepare her for something she wasn't expecting.

“Take your time, miss,” I called out. “I have a request for you that's a little outside what you normally make...”

Hearing my voice as male, she must have mistaken what I meant. “Don't worry, darling. I do design suits on occasion. And if you're looking for a gift for a special somepony I can make sure you get something she'll love,” she said, her voice coming closer to the doorway. I was almost out of time.

“That's not quite,” she walked into the room, “what I meant,” I finished lamely as the second pony today gave me a disbelieving, stunned stare.

I could see the wheels turning in her head as her stare went from shock to wonder, and then slowly to calculation.

“I think you may have made a bit of an understatement, dear,” she said as she began to walk around me, studying me with her tailor's eye. “Well, I have time now if you wanted to get started.”

“That would be great, I just need some simple pants and a shirt so I'm not having to run around naked.”

Rarity hesitated. She seemed to have digested 'pants' and 'shirt' easily enough, though I don't know if ponies used those words, but there was a slight raise of her eyebrow at both 'simple' and 'naked'.

“Not that I mind somepony wearing clothes, especially ones that I've made, but what aversion do you have to nudity? And if you're going to take the trouble to dress up, why do it simply?”

Right. Ponies wore no clothes most of the time. “Being dressed all the time is a habit of mine, and the simple is because I need them quickly. My previous set has gone missing and I don't feel entirely comfortable when I'm not dressed,” I explained in as generic as terms as possible. “I can explain in more detail while you work, if you're interested?”

“Sure, dear. Anypony who dresses up all the time is quite intriguing to somepony like me.” She giggled a bit. “Though I probably shouldn't say any PONY now should I? The fitting room is right this way,” she led me through to another workroom. “Stand right here... good. Now, I'm going to take some measurements, so you're going to have to put that thing you have there down for a minute.” She turned back towards a workbench and began rummaging through some supplies.

I froze in terror. She was about to see me completely naked. Possibly more embarrassing, though, is as soon as I stopped clutching the improvised privacy screen in front of me she would be able to tell what, and who, it was. Specifically, that I had been holding a toy shaped like one of her good friends to my crotch since I arrived. Noting her back was still turned, I made a snap judgment between the lesser of two evils. I turned towards the door and chucked the Twilight doll as hard as I could... only to watch it bounce off the door frame and land nearby, still completely in view.

My luck continued. Before I could go to the doll to further its hiding Rarity began turning around with her supplies levitating around her. There was nothing for it at this point, I would have to hope she just continued not noticing. The trouble with the doll, however, did help distract me from my other problem.

As Rarity caught sight of what I had been hiding, though, she brought my attention right back to my predicament. “Ah. I, um, see why you might want to like being clothed all the time.” She politely turned her head away a bit. “It's a bit harder for you to hide what you're thinking than it is for a stallion, I would wager.”

I didn't have a mirror nearby, but I could feel my face flushing. It must be fire engine red by now. “That is definitely one reason,” I admitted. A breeze from the open window reminded me of the practical reasons why I was here. I elaborated, desperate to change the topic away from... genitals. “My species also has no fur, so it helps with temperature regulation tremendously. To boot, we have thin skins and soft feet so clothing helps us deal with rough environments better.”

These new reasons got her to turn back to me to confirm these assertions, alleviating some of the tension. Nothing is quite as awkward as a naked man with no options and someone trying politely to not stare at him. How did I know this? I'll just say make sure no one steals your bag and suit when you're in the shower at the pool.

“Now that you mention it, I can see it,” she said. “Oh! How inconsiderate of me. Here I am thinking it's plenty warm when you're probably freezing.” She trotted to the window and closed it. It helped some, but it was still pretty cold. “Now,” approaching me once more she readied her tape measure and quill. “Let's take your numbers.”

I nodded, and extended my arms out to the sides and spread my feet a little bit apart. She brought her tape measure to bear, starting with my arms. Feeling a foreign touch brushing lightly on my skin, the even colder temperature of the tape measure, and hearing Rarity's voice as she hummed and muttered the numbers before recording them, I started getting too conscious of my nudity again. I closed my eyes to try and shut out the embarrassing fact that I was standing naked in the middle of someone else's room, but this turned out to be a mistake.

Deprived of the visual confirmation that the voice beside me belonged to a pony and the touch belonged to a tape measure and magic of said pony, it became, to my now limited senses, identical to if the voice and touched belonged to a human girl. I felt an unwelcome change begin, but if Rarity had noticed it she didn't say anything. She continued her work, jotting down numbers and sketches as she occasionally came back over to check a measurement or two, using magic for most of the work. Except for when she didn't.

After a few times measuring my shoulders, something was clearly off. I heard her walk a little closer, then a quick sound of hind hooves shuffling forward a bit rapidly. The next thing I knew, I felt her hooves on my chest and shoulder, the tape measure stretched between them, the sound of her magic having ceased.

“Aha!” she exclaimed. “That's what was giving me problems. You have a bone here!” She tapped my collar bone. “Ponies don't have this bone. Hmm.”

I risked opening my eyes, only to see Rarity's face inches away from mine, transfixed on my collar bone. I could feel her breath on my chest, shoulder, and the side of my neck. I was becoming decidedly more uncomfortable by the minute. I was quickly discovering that ponies could trigger quite a few turn ons: the pleasant feminine voice, the feel of breath across sensitive skin, and touching skin that was normally clothed. Vision was about the only thing Rarity was not batting 100 on here, but it wasn't because she was striking out. She just wasn't coming up to bat; she wasn't even close to human shaped so my eyes were refusing to weigh in one way or the other on the issue.

With two senses weighing in with yes and a third out to lunch, my body continued to react in ways I did not approve of. On the bright side, with Rarity balanced up on my chest and studying the anatomical differences in my shoulder, she was not in a position to notice the anatomical difference I was concerned about. Maybe, I thought, if I distracted her here long enough I could buy enough time to convince certain parts of me they were mistaken.

“So, um,” I lamely began. I knew I needed something to distract her, some topic that would keep her interest. The topics that came to mind were fashion, which I knew little enough about in my own world let alone hers, and herself. Being somewhat of a better expert on the second subject, having the advantage of watching the show, I decided to start there. Maybe I could even get to the Twilight-Sparkle-is-hunting-me-down problem, too. “I realize I've been rather rude. I was recommended to your shop by a passerby, but I didn't catch your name from her.”

She was taken aback for a moment as she was stirred from her inspection. “Oh darling, you're not the rude one here. If anything I should apologize! When you came into the store I was too busy... gawking to give you a proper introduction.” She looked me square in the eyes, moving her hoof on my chest over to my opposite shoulder to better address me. This left her face a little less than arm's length from mine. With how her hoof had slid across my collarbone on its way to my shoulder, I might need to add another minute to my delay tactics.

“My name is Rarity, and I want to give you my apologies for my faux pas. Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique.” She gave me, what on a human would have been, a winning smile. On a pony it was... confusing. “Might I inquire as to who recommended you to me?”

“Oh, uh.” Real smooth, Sam. I wracked my brain, trying to flesh out the story I was going to give her about how I got here. I didn't want to outright lie, as it would make it harder to explain how I actually got here. “I don't think I caught her name, but it was a purple Unicorn with a kind of star burst Cutie Mark. She was just leaving that big tree house a few blocks away.”

“Oh! That must have been Twilight Sparkle. She's quite a good friend of mine, in fact. She has quite the head for details, but sometimes she can forget the personal touch.” It must have been my imagination, but it felt like Rarity had put a little more weight on her front hooves at that last line. My troubles aside (I'mnotnakedandthisponyisn'tfeelingmeup ohpleaseohpleaseohplease), I could roll with this turn in the conversation.

“Twilight Sparkle... I can see how that name is fitting, I suppose. Have you known her long?”

“Not terribly long, no. She moved to Ponyville after Princess Luna's return, but I met her just before that when she was still just on assignment as the SSC organizer.” She grinned. “But you probably didn't even realize you had been talking to the Element of Magic at the time, did you?”

“The Element of Magic?” I asked in my best puzzled voice. I was still entirely nude, but my previous concerns began falling to the back of my mind as I raced to find responses that were both not terribly deceitful and not the embarrassing, unsettling truth. I would still likely need help getting home, after all, and it's best not to burn bridges. Especially when you might have to hide under them. “I'm actually not terribly familiar with it, to be honest.” Personally, I was not familiar with all of the Element lore that she likely knew. “I come from a very far away country and haven't been in Equestria very long, yet.” Technically true, but its implication that I was entirely ignorant was false.

She smirked. “I suspected as much. I haven't seen anypo-- anybody like you around here before. You must have so many stories to tell! The farthest I usually travel is Canterlot, but I've always wondered what's out there.” She paused for a moment, but when I didn't respond right away she continued and asked, “Where have you traveled to, um.” She pauses a moment and averts her gaze. I panicked a bit and took a quick stock of my body's condition: everything back to normal. Which was a relief. But what was she concerned about?

“I must apologize again. I got so caught up with your unique appearance and talking about myself it entirely slipped my mind to ask for your name,” she expounded, with a sheepish grin at the end.

I finally started to calm down a bit and relax. I didn't have to lie for this one, and the troubles of being naked had mostly gone away now that Rarity was no longer running her hooves and tape measure all over my body. There was still the issue of being naked in front of a stranger, but if she could act like a professional about it then so could I.

“My name is Sam,” I told her with a smile of my own. “And I don't hold being distracted against you, after all I'm not entirely used to ponies yet, either.” She raised an eyebrow. “There, uh, aren't any ponies where I come from.” None like you, anyway, I left unsaid.

“No ponies?” she wondered. “I haven't even heard of a country that doesn't have ponies. But I guess that makes sense, if there aren't any ponies there nopony could tell everypony else, could they?” She glanced over my shoulder again, briefly. “Oh, is that the time already? I should really get started on the first draft of this outfit for you, you must be getting chilly standing there with no fur.” She gave a light push off my shoulders and balanced on her hind legs for a moment. I stepped to one side so she wouldn't have to backpedal and she dropped back to all fours.

“Now let's see,” she began as she walked to her notes and examined them. “Oh, with all my distractions with your shoulders I seem to be missing a couple key measurements. That is, if you wanted a garment for your hind legs there, anyway.” Right, pony fashion that I had seen usually left a colt's hind legs bare. How did I not realize that difference? Luckily, it seemed Rarity had anticipated the needs of bipedal clothing.

“By all means, some pants would be very useful,” I said to name the item for her.

She picked up her tape measure with her magic. “Well first things first, I'll need you to spread your legs a bit so I can get to everywhere I need to.” The tape measure floated over and rested against my ankle.

The nature of my situation came back to me as it started to move up my inseam.

Oh crap.

Outrageous Fortune

Acting quickly, I grabbed the tape measure and halted its progress as it reached my knee.

“Um, maybe we should think of some other way to do this,” I said.

“Oh. Oh!” Rarity's eyes widened. “Yes, I see how this would be problematic for you. Once again I find myself having to apologize, I didn't quite consider what measuring for these 'pants' would be like for you.” She pondered for a moment. “If you'd like I could do something that doesn't need to fit as closely, a skirt or something similar. Do colts wear skirts or dresses where you come from? Oh what am I saying, if you're in Equestria you shouldn't be dressed like a mare...”

We both thought for a moment. “Maybe if I held the top end of the tape measure, that would probably work.”

“And here I am, being blind again. It never even crossed my mind to ask you to hold it since you weren't a Unicorn.”

Taking the end of the tape measure from here I resumed my fitting posture and carefully positioned my end of the tape measure where it needed to be. I was very grateful that Rarity was studying the other end of it down near my foot. With that number recorded, she went on to measure the other sizes she would need for the first draft pattern.

“All right, that about wraps up the numbers I'll need. Giving a conservative estimate, I'd say the first draft should take 45 minutes to an hour. I'm sorry it's going to take that long, but I'm in fairly new territory, you see.”

“I understand completely. I'm just glad you're helping me out, what with me having no money and all,” I admitted carelessly.

Rarity's eye twitched. “No money, you say?” Her face began clouding with irritation, bordering on anger.

I panicked a bit, realizing my mistake a little too late. “I can work for it to make it up to you, but I really need your help.” Well, nothing for it. I might as well tell her the full extent of my troubles. “In fact I... may not have been entirely straightforward with the story of how I got here.”

She began backing away slowly, and out of the corner of my eye I could see a small cloud of needles lifting off a table. “You're not a fugitive, are you?” I shook my head. “A carnivore?”

“Omnivore.” She was beginning to look a little more relieved.

“Eldritch horror masquerading as a seemingly harmless creature?” Why was this the last question? I shook my head. “Then continue.”

I sighed, easing up a bit. Before noticing, that, yes, I was still buck naked. This didn't seem to be bothering Rarity much anymore when she wasn't doing anything involving the bits I wanted very much to conceal, but I was still very aware of it.

“Um, before I begin I have to ask something I'm going to feel like an idiot for not asking sooner... do you have a towel or scrap bolt of cloth I could use to cover up a bit while you work?”

“Of course. I wish you had asked sooner if you're truly that uncomfortable with the au naturel look. I'll be right back,” she said as she began trotting for the door.

Which reminded me why I hadn't asked her to do anything that might involve leaving the room before this. The Twilight Sparkle plushy was still sitting in her path to the door where my terrible throw had left it. Well, I thought to myself, I'm screwed now.

Coming across the toy, Rarity eyed it curiously. She inspected it for a few moments. “Hmm, it seems my sister has a talent for making stuffed animals,” she seemed to say to no one in particular. She then leaned down, grabbed the doll in her mouth, and trotted out of the room.

I stared at the empty doorway for a few moments, doing an impression of the initial reactions I'd been getting today. I had used that... in front of my... and then she... with her mouth... I vowed, then and there, that I would never let her learn where that doll had actually been today. On the other hand, the reason I was disturbed by Rarity's handling of the doll was likely the reason for Twilight's panicked reaction. I wasn't a Equestrian society expert, but I imagine showing up in someone's bathroom holding a likeness of them in a suggestive manner was a meaning that crossed cultural divides, that meaning being: 'there is something seriously wrong with this man and you feature in his fantasies'.

I blanched as I started to piece together the current state of my personal slice of Shakespearean Hell. One, Twilight Sparkle was the only pony in town with the knowledge or connections to get me back home. Two, Twilight Sparkle thought I was stalking her, and had tried to buck me in the chest at our first meeting. Three, Twilight Sparkle was now hunting me, possibly accompanied by at least the fastest flier in town and perhaps more of her friends. Four, Twilight might be on her way here eventually to get Rarity to help search for me. Five, to explain to Rarity why Twilight was mad at me I might have to mention the doll. Six, Rarity had picked up my former decency screen with her mouth and I had made no move to stop her, possibly painting me as a pervert in her eyes, too, if revealed. Or at least inconsiderate. Seven, I was, for the moment at least, still in my birthday suit.

Trying to look on the bright side, I took stock of what was going my way. Rarity was fetching me a towel which would suffice to end my nudity in the short term. Two, she had agreed to make me a set of clothes at a moment's notice without much question, living up to her reputation of generosity in spades. Three, I had eluded the mauve magician for the time being.

The list of good was shorter than the bad, but if I phrased my explanation to Rarity well enough I could hopefully knock out a few of the bad points at once and line the rest up to be solved in time. Speaking of time, it was taking a fair bit of it for Rarity to get back. I began to get nervous, the longer she delayed the less time I would have to explain what was going on before Twilight inevitably arrived.

Things must have taken a turn in my favor, as no sooner had I begun worrying than the white Unicorn returned to the room with not one but two bath towels.

“One seemed like it might be a bit small for your waist, so I brought another to tack on the end just in case,” she explained as she levitated a towel out to me. I took it gratefully and slung it around my waist. It was a bit tight and the length left a little to be desired, only coming halfway down my thigh. It was neither as wide as a barn door or as tall as a well, but I warranted it was sufficient.

“I'm going to get to work on those clothes for you, I already have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with them. Though I'm afraid I have a bit of trouble holding up my end of a conversation when I'm 'in the zone', so you have plenty of time to tell that story of how you got here, Sam.”

The moment of truth. Well, here goes nothing. “Well, I arrived in Equestria not too long ago.” Looking outside, I tried to judge how much time had passed. With the sun already setting below the horizon it was difficult to say, “My best guess would be about two hours ago.” She stopped working for a moment.

“Two hours, you say? But even Rainbow Dash can't make it to the border along the Kestrel Run in less than three hours, let alone two.” She turned around and eyed me suspiciously.

“Truth be told, it may have taken longer than that for me to get here, but I've only been awake for about the last two hours. I honestly don't have many clues as to why I'm here.” Rarity pondered this for a moment, her work temporarily forgotten. “In fact,” I elaborated, “I went to sleep in my own bed in my own house in my own distant country last night.”

“That's terrible news! How long is the journey supposed to take to get there?”

“Which leads into the second problem I have. Though we know of Equestria in my country, it's very sketchy information and none of us actually know how to get here, that's how far away it is. The leading theory I'm working on right now is some spell brought me here, either accidentally or maliciously.”

“Did you know any Unicorns who didn't like you? Oh, but you said there aren't ponies in your country...” A small light bulb clicked on behind her eyes. “So then how do you know about magic?”

You got me there, Rares. Think fast, Sam... “Magic isn't that big of a thing in our country. There's no easy way to tell who might be able to use it, and there have been very few in history who have been credited with discovering enough to use it. Even they are more like myths than men.”

“So do you think it's an accident, then?”

“At first I thought I had been kidnapped based on where I woke up, but after realizing where I was I've started putting more stock in the accident theory.”

“But where in Ponyville did you wake up that you thought you had been kidnapped?”

“And this is where I get to the hard part. I may have done a teensy bit of lying when I told you about me coming here – nothing bad, I swear! I woke up like you saw me, without my clothes, in Twilight Sparkle's first floor bathroom.”

I could see her gaze unfocus as she looked into the middle distance, thinking. She started putting two and two together. “If you thought she'd captured you... and she didn't know what was there... Oh goodness, you didn't get in a fight with her, did you?” At this a human probably would have stood up from the workbench, but as Rarity was already standing she simply turned towards me, abandoning the pretense of working while we talked. She lifted a foreleg nervously.

“Kind of? No one got hurt. She walked into the bathroom before I could get my bearings. I must have scared her, though, as she tried to buck me in the chest. I escaped out the window after dodging, though,” I explained, trying to avoid any mention of what had scared Twilight.

“I see. That sounds... plausible, I suppose.” Rarity relaxed now that she had some confirmation that I didn't beat up her friend over some misunderstanding. “It's a good thing you dodged, too. I don't think she would have liked it very much to find out that she clobbered someone innocent over some minor magical mishap.”

“I think I might have liked it even less,” I said with a wink. This got a small chuckle from Rarity. “Though, I may not have left on very good terms. I never did get a chance to explain myself to her, so I think she's still somewhere in town looking for me. That's why I told you she was 'just leaving the big tree house' when I saw her.”

Rarity seemed amused at the lengths I had gone through to not lie. “I must say, Sam, it seems like you could give Applejack a run for her money on splitting hairs with the truth, trustworthy lies.”

I began phrasing the best couching for my request for mediation with Twilight Sparkle or her search party, when there came the jingling of a bell from the front room.

“I'll be out in just a moment!” Rarity called out. She turned to me. “I have to go see who that is. I have the first draft of the patterns traced out on that cloth there on the table, if you like you can help by cutting them out.”

“Sure thing, I'm glad to help any way I can,” I said as Rarity levitated the fabric scissors towards me. A frantic Twilight Sparkle chose this moment to enter the doorway, and I'll try and describe the scene as she must have seen it.

One of her best friends was wielding scissors at the horrible, perverted intruder from earlier, obviously trying to defend herself. The beast had stolen one of her towels, Celestia knows what for, and had its arms extended, threatening Rarity.

As I stared dumbstruck at Twilight, time seemed to freeze for a few moments. If only it had frozen a bit longer.

“You!” Twilight spat.

“Me!” was the best retort I could come up with.

Twilight dropped to a crouch, her horn pointed straight at me. As she began to channel power into it for a spell, I saw Rarity moving out of the corner of my eye.

“Wait!” she yelled, as she bounded between me and Twilight.

Twilight Sparkle's eyes were screwed shut in concentration, however, and her spell went off, aimed directly at Rarity.

Officer Sparkle

It took a few seconds for my eyes to recover from the flash of light accompanying Twilight's spell. I looked up to see Rarity still standing between me and the crepuscular Unicorn, still on her feet and breathing. That was a good sign.

Silence still reigned in the room, its three occupants trying to make sense of the last few seconds. I was still roughly where I had been, having only had time to throw my arms up in front of my face as the spell had gone off. The only difference about my person that I noticed was the towel I had been wearing blew away in the blast of the spell. What did a guy have to do to beat indecency around here, anyway?

Twilight opened her eyes not long after I did, and was taken aback to see Rarity standing between us. This left her in a very confused state.

“Rarity, why did you...” Twilight began, but trailed off when she noticed the effect her spell had had on her friend.

The spell Twilight had cast on me was not intended to harm me, but to restrain me. To that end it had manifested restraints. From where I stood, I could see that Rarity was now hobbled and blindfolded. Two short chains bridged the gaps between cuffs on her pasterns, one for her front legs and one for her rear legs.

She had another problem, too. She had still had some momentum when the spell went off, and it had not magically disappeared when the spell went off. I could see that she was still having problems balancing, not adjusting quickly enough to being blinded and the equivalent of having your shoelaces tied together while running. She was about to fall.

“Mmmph!” Rarity cried as she started to lose her balance, her hooves getting entangled with each other and the hobbles. I rushed forward to try and stop her fall. Her hooves had stopped moving, but she was still falling forward and to the side, away from me. I got to her in time to get a hand around her back. Leaning over as I was, though, I did not have enough balance of my own to stop her. My feet had run into her hooves, and I only succeeded in ensuring that I fell down with the bound pony.

A short confusion of flailing limbs later, we came to a stop. Rarity had ended up on her back, and I seemed to have landed on top of her. I opened my eyes to see her face right in front of mine for the second time today, only this time it was much closer. And she was blindfolded. And from this angle, I could see that she was gagged as well. Let it be known, when Twilight Sparkle tries to incapacitate you she doesn't leave out any details.

I consulted my body to see what position I was in. My knees both seemed to be on the same side, which was good. I think I would have died of embarrassment if I'd wound up straddling her. I could feel a folded foreleg on either side of my head, and the chain of the hobble across the back of my neck.

“Mmph mmphhmphh! Mphh mph mmph mph,” she said.

Two sentences. First sentence, two words. Who was I kidding? I didn't have time to figure out what she said with an angry Twilight Sparkle in the room. I started to dislodge myself, putting a hand on each side of her barrel behind her elbows to steady my balance.

“Mmph!” she exclaimed, startled by the contact from my comparatively large hands. She was only a little taller than me when she was standing on her hind legs before, so my hands covered a great deal of area.

“Get your hooves off of her this instant!” Twilight seemed to have gotten over the initial confusion of her spell misfiring, meaning trouble for me. Looking up, I saw her approaching with her horn glowing again. She hadn't already cast anything at me, and I thought I knew why.

“Sorry Rarity, change of plans,” I said quietly so only she could hear me.

“Mmph mph mmph?” she asked. I shifted my hands from a bracing position to a gripping one, and stood up, hauling Rarity upright as I did so. “Mmmph!” she shouted.

“I need to get you talking before Twilight blasts at me again, do you mind playing along for a bit?” I asked her quickly in a whisper.

“Mmmph,” was her reply.

Taking it for a yes, I addressed Twilight. “Don't come any closer or these bonds will be the least of your friend's worries!” She stopped in her advance, but her horn was still charged. “Drop the spell, Sparkle.”

She looked surprised that I knew her name, but acquiesced.

“Let Rarity go,” she demanded. Softening her tone, she continued, “I'm not going to hurt you, but you aren't going to be able to run. The fastest Pegasus in Equestria is outside in case you try to escape, but if you let Rarity go safely I promise we'll go easy on you.” It seems she really did think the worst of me. Of course, I had just given her another reason to dislike me, but it was all so I could clear my name, I swear. It had nothing to do with holding a bound, blindfolded, and gagged Rarity... right up against... my naked body. Shoot. Towel was still gone. Her forelegs were still draped over my shoulders. I still had my arms around her. This could easily be mistaken for something entirely different.

“I'll go quietly,” I said, making a show of turning myself in. “But first I'm going to ungag Rarity. There's been a big misunderstanding here, and I need a few minutes to explain myself.” I reached up behind Rarity's head to undo the knot in the gag, but in doing so wound up dragging her closer so our chests were pushed right up together. The feeling of her warm fur up against my bare chest was comfortably unwelcome, as was the rubbing of her forelegs on my neck and shoulders.

I hurried to untie the knot.

“Ptoo!” Rarity unceremoniously spit out a wad of cloth once the gag's wrap was undone. “Thank you, Sam. If you could get the blindfold too?” I obliged, also hurrying. Her vision restored, she smiled. “Now if you would be so kind as to set me down, I can get these hobbles off.”

I gladly stepped back a bit, holding her steady at arms length while she unhooked her forelegs from around my head. Once she could see the front hobble, she started casting a spell. The cuffs gave a small metallic click sound and fell off. Straight onto my bare toes.

“Ouch!” At the sudden impact I let go of Rarity, pulling my wounded foot up and grasping it with my hands. “Son of a--” My tirade was cut short, however, as the quadruped in front of me, deprived of support, began pitching forwards towards me.

“Waaah!” the falling mare shouted as her front hooves slammed into me, knocking me off my one footed balance and sending me sprawling on the floor. Again.

Rarity was luckier, however, and was caught in a familiar purple glow before she reached maximum entropy. Twilight dragged Rarity away from me and set the designer down gently at her side, undoing the rear hobbles as she did so.

“I've never seen two ponies with such bad balance. What is this, some cartoon from Neighpon?” she deadpanned. “So what, exactly, is going on with this colt, Rarity? I thought he was some sort of pervert, but you seem to think otherwise. Though I'm not sure how anything I've seen here disproves that...” said Twilight Sparkle, who had just recently cast a spell that would make every bondage enthusiast jealous.

Splayed on the floor in a most undignified manner, I heard the wind chime-like sound of magic as I saw a light blue tint cloud my vision. At least somepony hadn't forgotten about me down here. Rarity didn't lift me outright with her magic like Twilight had done with her, but rather used it to politely assist me to my feet. The effect was very similar to low gravity like you get at the top of a roller coaster's camel back. She also had hung the towel in the air nearby, and I gratefully grabbed it and rewrapped myself. Take that, nudity.

“Perhaps you should tell her, Sam,” Rarity said. “I think it would be better that she heard you speak for yourself in case she has questions.” Twilight hadn't taken her eyes off me, but she had swiveled one ear to listen to Rarity. She turned that ear back to me now.

“Well,” I began rather lamely, “When you found me in your bathroom earlier, it was not where I expected to be. The last thing I remember before I woke up there was going to sleep in my own bed last night.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I don't even know how I wound up in Equestria,” I continued. “No one back home even knows how to get here, and I'm pretty sure no one in Equestria even knows about where my home country is.”

“Of course I know where your home country is,” Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. “It's one dimension removed from this one.” My jaw dropped, and Twilight rolled her eyes. “Honestly, what part of 'Princess' personal student' don't ponies understand?”

“Wait, so if you know where my species comes from, why did you try to attack me?” I asked, very puzzled. She snorted.

“Wouldn't you be afraid of somepony doing that with a doll of you in your bathroom?”

“Wait, a doll of who now?” Rarity chimed in, turning to Twilight. Suddenly the window was looking very inviting.

Twilight turned her attention to Rarity. “He had a little plushy version of me when I found him. He was holding it like he was rutting it. Did he not have it when he got here?”

“He had something with him, I didn't see what it was. He got rid of it when I was doing something else. Though, later I did find... a doll... that looked like...” Rarity began trailing off. “Oh eww! I picked that up with my mouth!” Rarity was incensed. It looked as if I had lost my ally, but I was already to the window and opening it.

Twilight heard the latch of the window as I slid it open, her ear instantly flicking in my direction. It was followed shortly thereafter by a turn of her head as her horn charged up for another spell.

“Where do you think you're going!” she exclaimed as she fired the spell in my direction. It was too late, though, I was already through the window. The Turbo Bondage 9000 hit the window instead and locked it tight, forcing the two mares to double back through the building.

As I began sprinting out into the falling night, desperate to make distance on the two Unicorns behind me, I neglected to watch the skies. My negligence came back to bite me, though, when I was spotted by a certain cerulean Pegasus.

“Stop right there!” I heard a voice call out from above.

I redoubled my efforts, trying to reach the cover of a stand of trees ahead of me, but to no avail.

As I was running past a particularly muddy patch in the road, my pursuer caught me with a tackle to the small of the back. I went down and we both went sliding for several feet in the mud. I wound up on my back, staring up into the face of my captor.

Looking back down at me, front hooves on either side of my head and rump seated squarely on my gut to pin me, was the polychromatic maned Rainbow Dash herself. She was wearing the predatory grin of someone who has just completely trounced their quarry, and is looking for ways to further humiliate it.

She wouldn't have to try very hard, as it turned out.

My towel was gone, again.

Rainbow Crashed

The mud beneath me was not as unpleasant as it could have been. I appeared to have landed in a patch that was still warm from the recently concluded sunny day. The air, though, was still chilly, doubly so without any clothing to speak of. The only protection against the oncoming cold of night was the Pegasus straddling my gut.

“Ha! You should have seen the look on your face, bub,” Rainbow Dash taunted me. As she leaned down to deliver her lines right in my face, her stomach came to lie against mine. It was like someone had placed a furry heating pad on top of me. I was torn, the warmth was dearly appreciated in the gathering gloom, but the intimate personal contact was a bit much. Especially with how much my biology had been betraying me lately.

“It was priceless, your eyes got huuuge!” she said between fits of giggling. Giggling which gently bounced her on top of me, rubbing our stomachs a little more. I just had to not think about it too carefully, and try and get myself out of here. There were at least three ponies that I knew of that might not be aware of my transgressions yet, and could calm my persuers.

But first I would have to get away from Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in Ponyville and first rate defier of aerodynamic physics.

My planning and fortitude came to an abrupt halt, however, as I felt what Rainbow was doing with her tail. It was flicking back and forth, almost wagging. The sensation was like being tickled with feathers, only the area being tickled was not so much ticklish as it was excitable.

Some of my problems were certainly growing, but others had failed to materialize. Trying to get a glance around my captor, I managed to catch sight of Carousel Boutique. Though, you could easily rename it Houdini's House at this point with the way it was decked out. Every window was barred, the doors were boarded over and chained shut, and the whole thing was draped in more chains and padlocks than I could shake a stick at. And with Dash's belly grinding and tail antics, I had quite a stick to shake.

While I was distracted, the Pegasus had continued talking. She did not seem to have noticed that her cavalry wasn't going to be arriving any time soon, though. Now would be a good time for an escape attempt.

“Oh my gosh, is that Soren?” So sue me. I played the “look over there” card.

She was instantly off me and in the air. “Ohmygoshohmygosh!” she rapid fired, her face lighting up. I started to get to my feet, looking in my line of retreat to see if the towel had ended up anywhere nearby. It, of course, had not.

“Wait a second, where'd he go?” Dash scanned the darkening sky.

“I'm sure I saw him. I think he went behind that big cumulus in the distance,” I knew I would feel horrible about this later, but I just needed to get some distance from my pursuit right now. I could apologize to Rainbow later... right after I made my apologies to Twilight and Rarity. I didn't know if I would get the chance without outside intervention, though. Twilight had confirmed my suspicion that capture at her hooves would leave me without an opportunity to speak, literally.

My former captor, oblivious to my scheming, bolted off into the night for the cloud I had indicated. With any luck I could be out of sight by the time she got back... but with how fast she was getting to that cloud I might not have much time. Maybe only fifteen seconds worth. Though with how much time I was spending thinking about that, it had probably chewed five seconds.

I wasted no more time, and put my feet in motion for the park I had been running towards. I had to abandon my towel, but hopefully the next pony I was looking for would take my nudity in stride. She certainly took everything else with an even keel. Perhaps, though, “even” was a bit generous. “Consistent” was probably more accurate, and “consistently hyperactive” took it all the way from accurate to “apt”.

I had to find Pinkie Pie. The foliage around the park edges would make a good screen to try and spot Sugar Cube Corner from, and I began a circumnavigation of the park forthwith. I crept as carefully as possible, making sure the coast was clear in all directions before darting to the next bush. A quarter of the way around the park and twenty bushes later, I still hadn't seen the bakery.

I began looking about for any sign of pursuit or observers. Just as I was about to make the dash, I spotted Dash circling in the sky above me. I had almost not seen her through an overhead oak. I waited a little longer for her to leave line of sight and then made my attempt at the next outcropping of shrubs.

After regaining cover, I continued my pattern. I inspected the visible buildings, looking for anything that looked like it came out of Hansel and Gretel. Not seeing my goal, I began looking for observers again. The light had faded substantially now, but nopony had come to light the street lamps in this area of town yet. As a result, I was having trouble making out anything that wasn't silhouetted against the sky. I wagered, though, that this would cut both ways and made my way to the next bush.

The extra concealment of darkness was a great boon, and I made it to bush twenty three with no issues. I could make out very few buildings by this point, and even less of the roads, making it my shortest stop yet. I proceeded into the night to try and reach my next hiding spot, the fourth since having spotted Rainbow Dash.

It was not meant to be, however. As I was making the transition, a light in a nearby window flicked on, bathing me in lantern light. This was all my pursuer needed.

“Oh no you don't!” came Dash's battle cry. Since spotting her at bush twenty, I had only made it three bushes farther. A meager fifteen percent.

I accepted my fate and braced for impact. Rainbow was not expecting this, however, and misjudged her tackle. Our heads made contact with a sickening thud, and we both fell into the dense shrubbery I had almost made it to.

As my world went black, only one thought went through my mind: ouch.

After getting up late, Rainbow Dash had wished me farewell and soared off into the brilliant mid morning sun. She spent a good deal of her morning training for an upcoming Wonder Bolts tryout to be held the following month. She practiced the Buccaneer Blaze, the Fantastic Filly Flash, and a couple more that she had yet to name. She worked up quite a sweat with her practice, and it glistened in the sunlight.

She stopped practice around midday, grabbing a quick lunch. She rested on a cloud in the lazy afternoon sun, chewing on her sandwich as she watched the town below go about its business. Finishing her sandwich, she rolled onto her back, shifting her attention to the errant small clouds drifting across the sky. It looked like the cloud factory had some time before it would be ready for the night's storm, so she let herself doze off, cradled by the cloud's soft cotton.

She was woken by Pinkie Pie passing by, and they spent some time catching up and shooting the breeze. Dash had to let Pinkie know that she had weather duty tonight, so she wouldn't be able to go pranking. It did not stop them, though, from devising a few clever schemes to be carried out at a later date. Having kept an eye on the sun and sky, Dash noticed it was time to go off and assemble the evening's thunder storm. She said her goodbyes to Pinkie, then took off at top speed to the cloud factory.

It was busy and hectic work. Rainbow had to coordinate dozens of Pegasi and half a dozen cloud machine crews, and not all of the Pegasi or crews entirely listened. By the skin of her teeth, she kept the crew from messing up the storm beyond repair. The repairs, though, would take a highly skilled hoof that only Rainbow Dash could provide. She lowered her flight goggles and set to work, getting the thunderheads properly repositioned and the gaps in the cloud cover filled. Eventually, everything was to her satisfaction. The storm work had partially washed her from earlier, but the lightning so close at hoof had left the smell of ozone clinging to her mane and tail. With the thunderstorm fully underway, she flew home.

Getting back to the smell of cooking pasta, her favorite dinner at the end of a long day, she followed her nose into the kitchen to find me hard at work putting the finishing touches on the sauce and garlic bread. She asked what she could do to help, but I told her that I was essentially done; all that was left to do was serve and I was not going to let her do that. This was my treat to her, after all.

I had set up the table in the dining room with our best table cloth and place settings. A candle stood lit in the middle of the table flanked by two wine glasses, and a bottle of her favorite white zinfandel sat in an ice bucket nearby. As we entered the dining room, I put a classical violin piece on the turntable. She made her way over to the table, and I pulled her chair back from the table for her.

“You don't have to do that for me,” she said, blushing slightly.

“It is my pleasure, Miss Dash,” I replied with a shallow bow.

I served up the dinner with all the chivalrous grace I could muster. I ignored her bluster that she didn't need all this “girly stuff”, her bashful smile betrayed her true feelings. I knew she liked being treated like a Princess if it was just us, when there was no one to impress. She had already made a lasting impression on me.

Dinner proceeded marvelously. My cooking was, if not the best, well executed and nothing was botched. Rainbow humored me, and lauded it with compliments, even though I knew full well it wasn't my absolute best work. We compared notes about our days, commiserating each others defeats and celebrating each others victories. We talked about her newest trick, and I offered what pointers I could and all the encouragement under the sun. I had learned early on that Dash was shaken fairly easily, but could do anything if she had the support of a loyal friend.

Some time later we finished the bottle of wine, and I bussed the table. Or tried to, Rainbow insisted on helping even though I had made it clear that tonight was my treat to her. I didn't mind, it meant I got to spend more time with the mare I was crazy about. We washed together, I scraped and scrubbed and she dried and stored. Every time I passed a dish to her, she made a point of brushing her hoof against me. I almost didn't want to let go of them, just to feel her touch a little longer.

After the dishes were cleaned and the leftovers tucked away in the fridge, we retired to the living room. I lit a fire in the fireplace, and we both sat on the rug in front of it. We watched the fire crackle, felt its relaxing warmth. Outside, the storm raged futilely against the roof and windows, unable to touch us in the safety of each others arms. With my arms wrapped around her, my face was full of her polychromatic mane. Every breath I took brought the light scent of sweat and ozone. The fragrance fit her perfectly, it was the fragrance of a talented, hard working mare and one I had come to recognize and love as hers.

As the fire burned lower and the rain hammered down its steady pattern, I felt Rainbow's breathing grow deep and slow; she had fallen asleep in my embrace. I lay content, watching the fire burn down, feeling the rise and fall of Rainbow's chest. Every breath brought her smell, and reassured me of her presence even as I closed my eyes.

Sleep found me shortly thereafter, holding my Rainbow Dash close.

I came to, disoriented and in pain. Around me was dense undergrowth, too thick to see through. So thick, in fact, it had almost proved to be a tent of sorts. There was a lot of warm air under the leaves, more than I would have thought my body was capable of sustaining. Wondering at my luck, I remembered why it was so warm in here as the reason shifted sleepily beside me: I wasn't alone.

Rainbow Dash was curled up in my arms, still asleep, playing the role of little spoon. My face was full of rainbow colored hair, and every breath carried its smell. The scent was of wind-dried sweat and ozone. It was far different than Rarity's carefully perfumed aroma, but the smell of work and lightning fitted Rainbow Dash well. Laying here like this with Dash, I could still feel my dream. It felt like it would be so right to just lean in and kiss her...

“What am I thinking?” I said. Too late, I realized I said it out loud. I felt a change in the breathing of the pony in my arms. One of her back legs twitched out, and the opposing front leg followed suit. Like she was trying to trot in her sleep.

“Mmm, not yet Pinkie. I'm still exhausted,” Dash mumbled, rolling over to face me. She draped her top hoof over me, her bottom leg folded up against her body. I was now staring directly at her face, mere inches between us.

“Uh,” I tensed, not sure of what to do.

“Go back to sleep, Pinkie” Dash murmured, still not opening her eyes. She scooted a bit closer and planted a kiss on my lips. My eyes went as wide as saucers, but she didn't seem to notice that I was not her pink friend. As the kiss lingered, I began wondering why she wasn't pulling away. I noticed, much to my chagrin, she had fallen asleep again.

I broke the kiss and pulled back a bit to look for some way to extricate myself from the situation. I would have to do it soon, too. The morning condition that many men experience was approaching, hastened by the closeness and unexpected intimacy, and there was not enough room between us to ignore it for long. My recent dream did not help matters. It had left me viewing Dash in a decidedly romantic light, and I needed to get away to clear my head.

I took my free arm and carefully lifted her forelimb off my shoulder, folding it gently back beside its twin. I delicately slipped my captive knee and calf from between her rear cannons, taking care to avoid brushing her hocks or fetlocks too much. I was free now except for one arm, which was trapped underneath her.

I was running out of time, though. There were only a few moments before Rainbow would be woken to an unwelcome pressure, so I thought fast. I shifted my lower body away from her, pivoting on my earthbound shoulder. It bought me time, but also brought my head closer to hers. From this distance I could see every detail of her face, framed by her disarrayed, bright-hued bangs. Her nostrils flared slightly with every inhalation, and every exhalation tickled across my face. Her eyes were twitching slightly beneath her eyelids, the only sign of activity on her otherwise serene face.

Since first hearing of clop, I had sworn to never think of ponies in a romantic or sexual light, but between Rarity and Rainbow Dash I was having a hard time sticking to that promise. The face in front of me begged to be held and protected. It was the face of a vulnerable Rainbow Dash, who was normally brave and brash but was now calm and tranquil.

I reached a hand up to brush a fallen leaf off her cheek. As I made contact with the short, soft blue fur of her face her eyes snapped open instantly, wide awake.

“What in the hay are you doing.”

Buck me.

Reading Rainbow: Braille

“Um...” Maybe I should try just telling the truth instead of running this time, I thought. I certainly couldn't outrun Dash, but she wouldn't have an easy time transporting me against my will. “I was brushing a leaf off your face.”

“Uh huh.” She sounded incredulous. “Mind telling me why I'm in this bush? I've got a splitting headache,” that made two of us, “and I can't remember much from last night... you didn't happen to see a gray coated, blond maned Pegasus nearby, did you?” she queried, staring at me intently.

I was in luck, it looked like Rainbow didn't remember much from last night yet. Traumatic amnesia, though, is usually temporary. I had to think quick. On one hand, I could make something up, we'd part ways amicably but later she would remember or be reminded that she had been trying to apprehend me and dislike me some more. Especially if she remembered the Soren trick I pulled on her. On the other hand, was Dash. No literally, she was still on my hand. The other option, though, was man up and come clean, explaining why we were here and why her friends wanted me captured. What would happen from there was her call.

“I haven't seen any gray Pegasi today, no. As for why we're in the bush, that's a longer answer.” I broke eye contact, looking off to one side. Our faces were still only inches apart, and it was more than a little strange. “First, though, can I have my arm back?” I indicated it by giving it a slight tug.

“Oh, sure.”

I felt her slide off of my arm and sit up. In my haste to make my bid for freedom, I had forgotten that Dash seeing more of me than my face could pose a problem. There was no time to correct my error.

“Whoa. Dude,” a very surprised Dash said. Points for observation, she hadn't missed the half foot elephant in the room. “I'm flattered, really, but I don't swing that way.”

I hastened to cover up as her words sunk in. Didn't swing that way? Connecting what I thought were two dots, I hesitatingly put my thoughts into words. “That would explain why you called me Pinkie Pie earlier when you kissed me...”

Dash went from amused at my apparent interest to doing her best Big Macintosh impression in no time at all. Her face was crimson, like a freshly picked apple.

“H-how did you know I dreamed about kissing Pinkie!” she stammered. “Are you some kind of dream spy?”

Well, my life was over anyway. Might as well dive in with both feet. “I didn't know about your dream until just now. All I knew is that you said the name 'Pinkie Pie' and then kissed me in your sleep, but now I know the whole truth!” I was reveling in the freedom that only death row inmates have. “Dash has a crush on Pinkie Pie!” I did my best impression of a schoolyard taunt.

I received a hoof to the chest for my efforts.

“Oof!” I grunted at the blow, clutching at the impact site. Never taunt a girl wearing steel horseshoes. I'm pretty sure she bruised a rib.

“You dummy! I didn't mean I was into mares! I mean, Pinkie's cute and all, don't get me wrong...” Rainbow seemed to realize that she wasn't making her case very convincing. “I like colts! I just don't like...” she looked at me with a hint of mild disgust, “xeno colts.”

“What do you mean, xeno colts?” I asked. My devil-may-care bravado had been replaced with complete confusion.

“What do you mean what do I mean? You're obviously a xenophile,” she said, waiving a forehoof indicatively at what my hands were hiding.

“I am not! It was just... really intimate,” I parried.

“Oh please,” Dash rolled her eyes. “So you're saying that all it takes to make you excited is a kiss and a hug? It doesn't even matter who or what it's from? That's silly.”

“No it's not. It's a natural reaction,” I defended myself.

“If it's a natural response, then wouldn't it be the same way for me?” she countered.

“How do you know you wouldn't react the same way? I bet you would.” If I couldn't prove my innocence, I would just take the focus off myself.

I didn't mean to turn it into a competition.

“I would not! Watch.” With that, Rainbow Dash pounced me, knocking me flat on my back. Her front hooves were planted firmly on my chest as she planted her lips firmly on mine.

My eyes went wide, but she didn't notice; hers were closed tight. She leaned into the kiss, and I had no choice but to lie there and take it. I couldn't pull away because the ground prevented it, and my hands were occupied covering something that certainly wasn't pulling away.

I closed my eyes and saw the images from my dream rushing through my mind's eye. Her contented smile as we washed the dishes. Hiding her face behind a hoof in embarrassed gratitude as I served dinner. The feel of her coat and the sound of her sigh as we lay in front of the fireplace. All of it came back to me with her kiss. I knew it was a dream, but... every dream starts somewhere.

The kiss had started off as just a pressing of lips, but as it wore on, Dash seemed to be getting more enthusiastic. She took her hooves off my chest one at a time, slipping the shoe off each with their respective back hooves. They both landed with a muffled thud, hard steel impacting soft soil. The first hoof to return found its way back to the ground, insistently pushing one of my arms aside. Its fetlock tickled the side of my chest. The next hoof to return resumed its former perch on my chest, but it did not stay put.

Rainbow ran her free hoof along my chest. It wasn't an entirely new sensation. Rarity had been doing something similar the day before, but Rainbow's hoof was entirely different. It still felt like the world's largest fingernail on the edge, but the sole of her hoof was much, much softer than Rarity's. Even the prim and proper Rarity had been unable to hide the callouses from walking around on the ground. Between flying most of the time and wearing shoes, Rainbow's soles were left as soft as the clouds they were used to, and her exploratory hoof caressed my chest like a warm summer's breeze.

I brought my arms up, taking her head in my hands. I felt her tongue flick lightly over my lips, a request for more. I pushed her away gently, and she broke off. Her eyes opened, staring into mine. She couldn't make up her mind about where to focus, though, and her gaze flicked back and forth between my eyes, as if searching for something.

Still panting slightly, catching her breath, she whispered, “You might be onto something here.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but she cut me off with a ferocious kiss. Her eyes were screwed shut as she focused on the feelings of my lips against hers. I ran my hands through her mane and over her ears, and I could feel her twitch every time I brushed a sensitive spot. The restless hoof ceased its wandering, electing instead to press down firmly to hold me still, as if I were a prize in danger of being stolen away.

It wasn't long before I felt her tongue against my lips again, but this time it didn't hesitate at the gate. The writhing muscle forced my lips apart, questing for a taste of the mouth they guarded. As soon as she had gained entry, Dash wasted no time in surveying her conquest, running her tongue to the back of a set of molars and slowly working her way forward, examining each and the mouth around.

Though it had caught me by surprise, this second kiss was no less pleasant than the first. Dash's initiative and aggression were new to me. And I was liking it. In her movements, Dash's wings had spread a bit from her sides. This had happened earlier when she stood up, but, unlike before, she was making no effort to refold them. With every shift of her weight and plunge of her tongue, her wings rose a little higher.

Suddenly, she stopped moving entirely, completely frozen and eyes wide with shock. Her tongue was still inside my mouth, resting on one of my canine teeth; a terrifying thing to a natural prey species, canines are purpose built for rending flesh. Her breathing picked up pace. It went from slow and heavy to quick and shallow. Dash was scared. Huge, beautiful blue wings framed her figure, having finally spread to full extension as her fight-or-flight reflexes took hold.

I let go of her, hoping she would calm down. Almost as soon as I had, her tongue started moving again. It glided over my incisors as Rainbow's eyes slid shut. Her breathing had slowed, but it was still faster than it had been. She sounded... excited.

Not content with letting Dash do all the work, I started fighting her for control of my mouth back. My tongue ran along hers, under one side. Dash shivered and pulled her tongue back reflexively, and then I was in. Her mouth was like nothing I'd felt before. It was almost the same as a human mouth, but with a couple notable differences. The strangeness of her teeth struck me first; there was a small gap where canines should be. I later found out this is where a bit could be fitted, but at the time I just knew that Dash's gums were ticklish there. Her cheeks tightened into a grin under my hands, and I could feel the stuttering of suppressed laughter in her breathing. My attention was pulled away, though, when I felt Rainbow shifting her weight.

Her front hoof pressed a little harder on my chest for an indiscernible reason. Indiscernible, that is, until I heard the thump of a horseshoe hitting the dirt. It was followed shortly thereafter by its twin. That second hoof, though, did not rejoin its twin off to my side. Instead, it found its way to the opposite side of me, inside of pastern to outside of my thigh. Rainbow Dash was straddling me.

My higher brain functions began returning to me; their clamoring warning finally reached the forefront of my mind. They said to me: “It's been fun, but things are getting out of hand. You should probably put an end to this.” Another voice was still calling to me, but that voice spoke from between my legs and used no words. With a great effort of will, I resolved to listen to the voice of reason.

The matter was taken out of my hands in a mere matter of moments, though, as a voice came ringing out from nearby. Or maybe “squeaking out” would be more accurate.

“Rainbow Dash?” came the meek voice of Fluttershy. “Are you around here?”

At her voice Rainbow Dash's head was instantly away from mine, eyes wide and ears at attention. Lucky for the two of us, Fluttershy most likely didn't know which bush we were in. She might not even know for sure that we were here.

“I thought I heard your voice, and Twilight said this was the last place she saw you...” Fluttershy mumbled. I could hear her hoof falls now, crunching the leaves on a path that would take her straight past Rainbow's and my hiding spot.

“I've gotta go,” Dash whispered under her breath to me. She had misjudged her volume, however. A yellow head and pink mane poked into the brush we were hiding in.

“There you are, Rainbow. I've been...” Fluttershy trailed off as her eyes took in the scene. As she took in more of the scene, her eyes grew wider and wider. Rainbow straddling me. My arms around her neck. Her wings at full-mast. Something of mine at full-mast. Dash's tail raised over her back. The stray saliva around our mouths. The horseshoes on the ground.

As quickly as she had arrived, Fluttershy suddenly retreated, blurting, “I'm so sorry I didn't mean to interrupt anything so I'll just be going now, OK? Bye.” The sound of her retreating wing beats told us we were alone again.

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “I've just remembered something I have to do,” she began as she quickly stepped off of me and to the side, trying not to meet my eyes. “Just so you know, I didn't like that at all. Don't get the wrong idea.” She was betrayed by her tail and wings. Dash tried to steal a glance in my direction again. I was still staring at her, though, and I met her gaze immediately. When she realized I'd caught her looking back at me, she quickly turned away and sprang out of the bush with a jump and massive beat of her wings.

I lay there for a moment, still slightly stunned by recent events. It was time to start putting two and two together again, and get the blood back to my brain where it belonged. This way, it could keep me out of trouble instead of getting me into it.

Twilight Sparkle, for all I knew, was still hunting me with unknown intentions. I'd seen the spell she was using to try and capture me in action, and it was not a terribly “I want to be your friend” spell. Well, maybe it was, in a sense, but not the kind of friend that I'd be comfortable as.

Rarity was likely still incensed at me for tricking her into picking up a crotch-smeared doll of her friend with her mouth. Help was unlikely from that direction.

Rainbow was probably as confused as I was about where we stood. She would probably get more confused if she remembered last night, too.

Fluttershy was... I didn't know if I could handle trying to explain what had just happened to her, since it, in fact, had been exactly what it looked like.

That left Pinkie Pie and Applejack. But I still had no idea where Sugar Cube Corner was, or where Sweet Apple Acres was, for that matter. It was still fairly early in the morning from the look of the sky, and this bush was proving to be unusually warm. My quest, I decided, could be postponed for a couple hours as I caught up on some sleep. It turns out that concussed sleep is not terribly restful.

I would soon find out that sleep in a Pinkie Pie-accessible place is not terribly restful, either.

Pinkie's Guide to Ponyville

I regained consciousness slowly, in fits and starts. Sleep hung on my eyes like a pall, and drowsiness numbed my mind. Pressing through to the forefront of my sensations was the throb of my head. It felt like a vice had been cranked down on it, and sadistic sprites were jumping and capering on the crank lever. Whispering along in the wake of the mind-crushing pain was the question, “what did I do last night?”

When I'd mastered my pain enough to pay attention to questions like that, I asked it to myself. In reply, my memory fed me a tale about running from Unicorns and being twice tackled by a Pegasus. But that was ridiculous, I told myself. If that were true, I would be laying naked in the dirt under a bush covered in mud.

A small current of air blew past me, confirming to my reawakening senses my lack of garments.

I shifted my weight a bit, and felt the dirt beneath my bare shoulders.

Slowly, fearful of what I might find, I moved my hands to my body and felt the caked mud in patches across my skin.

At this point, the only missing element of my crazy memory was the bush. I hesitatingly reached an arm out to the side and found... soft, warm fur?

“Teeheehee – snerk – heeheehee, that tickles,” the owner of the fur informed me in a high pitched voice. Fur? Giggling? Unreasonably good natured about being grabbed by a bedraggled stranger? It could only be one being in all of existence –

“Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie. What's yours?” she confirmed my suspicions. Groaning, I opened my eyes. My vision was full of pink; pink face, pink muzzle, and pink ears, all on a pink head attached to a pink neck, framed brilliant blue eyes mere inches from my face.

“Gah!” I exclaimed, recoiling. Taking my hand from her side where it had found fur instead of leaves, I contrived to scoot back a foot and sit up. I seemed to be free from the morning condition that had gotten me in trouble with Rainbow Dash – things were looking up.

“'Gah'?” Pinkie queried. “Is that an abbreviation of Gavin? Or Gabby? You don't look like a Gabby, though. People have called me Gabby before, but I don't think they thought my name was actually Gabrielle. Though there was this filly named Gabrielle once, but-”

“Pinkie Pie,” I cut her off before my headache could get worse. She ceased talking immediately, as if she had only been talking to fill the air. The silliness of it had served to put me at ease, at least; it had been some time since I could relax. Was that the point? “I misspoke. My name is Sam, short for Samuel.”

“It's a pleasure to meet you, SamshortforSamuel,” she bubbled. “I was at Sugar Cube Corner, thinking of what to do on my day off when my friend Rainbow Dash came by and told me that I could find you here. I hope Dashie actually greeted you, she can be so inconsiderate when she's in a hurry sometimes. She didn't leave before you finished getting to know her, did she?” Pinkie winked. If I had been drinking something, I probably would have lost it all over Pinkie's face. Sorry, spit it. Losing it all over someone's face is not the right imagery... Anyway! As it was, I merely blushed profusely. A sly, knowing grin spread across Pinkie's mouth as she observed my reaction to her innuendo.

She shook her head disapprovingly. “Tsk, tsk. Dashie is always running off leaving things half done. I guess it's up to me that you get a proper welcome to Ponyville!” This tack was slightly confusing. Were we still talking about the kind of thing that had happened with Dash, or were these words only good at face-value? I was hoping it was just face-value. Rainbow and Rarity had left me too confused about my feelings for them as it was. I was counting on Pinkie Pie to behave more calmly and rationally than her friends.

Oh, God. I was doomed.

As I was slowly sinking into despair, Pinkie Pie continued talking. “I should throw you a welcome party! I'll invite some good friends of mine so I can introduce you to them! I should probably reintroduce you to Rainbow Dash properly, it sounded like you two got off to a rough start.” She was only partially correct; Dash had been the rough one. I was getting hopeful, though. This party sounded like exactly what I had been looking for: a chance to explain myself on my own terms. Surely even Twilight Sparkle would refrain from hogtying the guest of honor. Maybe. That still didn't account for how three of her other friends might respond, though. Rarity and Rainbow Dash had good grounds to be upset with me, and I had no idea if Fluttershy would ever be able to erase the image of me and Rainbow Dash “getting to know each other” in that bush.

“A party sounds terrific, Pinkie,” I affirmed. Though, I was not entirely presentable for a party. “Do you think I could impose on your hospitality a bit to clean up, though? I'm afraid my clothes have disappeared and I've gotten terribly muddy.” I suspected that it would do well to not look like a homeless bum, even if that's what I was in Equestria.

“Sure thing, SamshortforSamuel! I don't live very far away, come on!” she said, bouncing her way out of the bush to lead the way.

I poked my head out after her, only to see the park full of ponies that I didn't know. I retreated back into the bush. Being naked in front of one or two people had been bad enough, but I could not muster the courage to expose myself to the entire town. Despite knowing that they probably wouldn't care about my nudity, my species being much more unusual to them than birthday suits, I was still petrified with embarrassment at the thought.

“Psst! Pinkie Pie!” I whispered after her.

Pinkie poked her head back into the bush. “What's wrong, SamshortforSamuel?” she asked with a cock of her head.

“Do you have any clothes handy? Even a big towel would do,” I requested.

“Of course I do, silly! I have towels stashed all over Ponyville, in case of Hitchhiker emergencies,” she informed me. She entered the bush, walking around to the far side of the bush's root and picking a towel out from the branches. “Hewe yew gew,” she muttered around the thick towel.

“You're a lifesaver,” I thanked her. I got to my knees and wrapped the towel around my waist, making sure the ends were off-center so I wouldn't be susceptible to accidental exposure. With my recent luck, I wasn't entirely sure it would make a difference, but it was worth a shot.

“I try,” was her smiling reply. She made her way out of the bush and into the bright sunshine of the Ponyville morning. “The bakery I work at is only a couple blocks away, on the other side of the market.” Market was good. Maybe I could get something to eat. Now that I was starting to move around this morning my stomach had woken up, and was reminding me politely that I hadn't eaten since I woke up in Equestria. Maybe politely was understating it a bit.

However, a fairly significant obstacle stood between me and food. Money. I've never shoplifted, and I had no desire to start by pilfering provisions from pastel ponies, around Pinkie Pie, no less. Nevertheless, my growling gut garnered attention. And the resemblance of Pinkie's mane and tail to cotton candy clouded my cognition. Coughing, I carefully called for her consideration.

Pinkie stopped and looked back over her shoulder at me, concern written clearly on her face. I knew how the cartoon ponies managed human expressions, but seeing it in person was... mind bending. It didn't seem to fit what the rest of my eyes were telling me. I was shaken from my reflection on the similarities of expression between our species when she asked, “What's the matter, SamshortforSamuel?”

“Oh, I don't mean to seem rude, but I haven't eaten anything yet today. I was wondering if we can stop somewhere and get lunch?” I asked. The grin I was wearing could be described in a number of manners, the least of which was sheepish, the greatest of which was ingratiating, and the median of which was hungry.

An indulgent smile spread over Pinkie's features. “Of course, SamshortforSamuel! Follow me, I have friends in the food service business all over Ponyville, in case of hunger emergencies.” That was probably the most reasonable thing I'd ever heard from Pinkie's mouth, but she still made it sound nonsensical.

As we left the park I kept an eye out for any sign of Pinkie's other friends. I don't know what I would have done if I had seen them, to be quite honest. I didn't have much hope of not being seen, as it appeared most ponies only stood four to four-and-a-half feet tall, hoof to mane. At six foot even, I towered above them, sticking out like a sore thumb – in a world of hooves. My chances of flight were even slimmer. In a crowd this thick, Twilight could be on me in one quick ethereal jaunt and I would have nowhere to run.

Fortunately, we made it to the market without incident. The most that happened was garnering odd stares from passerby, but most went about their business when they realized who my guide was. Even Ponyville, it seemed, treated the abnormal as normal around Pinkie Pie. When she wasn't the one inciting the riot, at least.

The market itself... it's difficult to describe that type of open air market. In the sunshine, the colors of the fruits and vegetables were luscious and vibrant. The air was thick with the smell of the earth's bounty; the scents of flowers and fruits lent a hearty quality to the air that I'd seldom come across before or since. And all around me was the hubbub and bustle of business. Ponies talking, shouting, haggling, laughing, surrounded me. It was quite a big shift from my normal, quiet days of working at the bookstore.

Pinkie led the way onward through the crowd. It took a while, but most ponies seemed to make way for a giant biped and his madness-inducing escort. After making our way nearly to the other end of the square, our destination became apparent. There, standing at her cart, hawking her wares, stood Applejack.

She saw me first, and I couldn't miss the odd look she gave me. However, she soon saw Pinkie making her way through the crowd in front of me and relaxed. As her previous customer meandered away into the throng, she raised her voice and hailed us.

“Howdy, Pinkie! What brings you by today?” Applejack disappeared from view as she leaned down to rummage around in the storage under her cart. She reappeared when we were close enough for civilized volumes. Resting atop her hooves was a plate with two pastries on it. I don't know why, but I had a sneaking suspicion they were apple based.

“Who's your tall friend, here?” she inquired.

“This is SamshortforSamuel,” Pinkie Pie began by way of introduction. “SamshortforSamuel, I'd like you to meet my good friend Applejack. Her family owns the best apple orchard in Equestria!”

“Well, shucks, Ah wouldn't go that far, but we do grow a darn fine apple,” AJ demurred. “Speaking of, I've been working on some new tricks for the baking apples. Would you two care for a sample?” she asked, sliding the tray towards us over the cart.

“Don't mind if I do!” Pinkie exclaimed, lifting a pastry from the tray with both front hooves. She proceeded to sit on her haunches and begin the process of devouring it.

“Um, thank you. How much do we owe you?” I asked, picking mine up.

“Nothin', though Ah appreciate the offer. First one's on me,” she rejoined cheerily. I took my first bite, and was not disappointed. “So, do y'all like it?” she asked expectently.

I was caught in that awkward situation of having only just taken another bite, being forced to weigh the rudeness of leaving the question unanswered with the rudeness of talking with my mouth full. Luckily, I was able to avoid both when Pinkie Pie took the decision on herself.

“Thesh're rully grood, Aeshay,” she garbled out, crumbs spraying out on the ground in front of her. I nodded my head in agreement.

“Glad tah here it!” AJ was positively beaming. She turned her attention to me. “If'n ya don't mind my askin', what brings you to Ponyville, SamshortforSamuel?” She winked as she said my name the way Pinkie had related it. Clearly, she knew that someone was having fun at someone else's expense, but did not feel obliged to end the joke.

“I don't know how I wound up here, to tell you the truth. I had a couple suspicions at first, but I honestly just don't know anymore,” I told her as soon as I got my mouth empty enough. “I'm pretty sure it involves magic, though.”

“Magic, huh?” Applejack thought for a while. “Hey Pinkie, why don't we take him to Twilight's place later? Ah'm sure she could figure out what's goin' on with this magic mumbo jumbo.”

“You're right!” Pinkie exclaimed. No traces of her pastry remained save for crumbs around her mouth and on the ground, whereas I was barely halfway through mine. “I was going to throw him a welcome to Ponyville party later, but mysterious magical mayhaps may mean more malefic mishaps!” Applejack and I both stood slightly shocked at the impromptu alliteration. I recovered first.

“That... may not be the best of ideas,” I told them hesitantly. “I've actually already run into Twilight Sparkle, and we didn't get off to a very friendly start...”

“I'm sure it's just a little misunderstanding, SamshortforSamuel,” Pinkie reassured me. “As I always say, don't panic!” Applejack snorted her disbelief.

“It's a little more than that.” I sighed. “Let me tell you what's happened since I've arrived...”

Apple Folly

Before I could begin my tale of woe and misadventures, Applejack cut me off.

“Beg pardon, sugar cube, but Ah need to stop ya there. This sounds awful important and I don't wanna be interruptin' ya halfway through whilst I go about runnin' mah cart here.” She gave me a sheepish grin. I didn't add that she wouldn't be the first pony to interrupt me halfway through something that morning. “Tell ya what, though. If'n you can fetch mah brother, Ah'll have him hold down the fort here and Ah'll go with ya'll to Pinkie's.”

“I can do that!” Pinkie exclaimed with a bounce. Applejack blanched a bit at the thought of how Pinkie Pie might go about the task, but soldiered on.

“Alright then. He should be down at the spa right around now, finalizin' their weekly apple order,” Applejack related.

“Oh! I know where that is. Follow me, SamshortforSamuel!” Pinkie disappeared in a blur of light red. Staring after her friend, Applejack let out an exasperated sigh.

“It's the other way...” Removing the hoof from her face, she turned again to me. “Well, looks like Pinkie ran off in the wrong direction. Ah 'spose that turns mah offer into 'find mah brother then Ah'll help ya find Pinkie Pie then Ah'll go with y'all to Pinkie's.'”

“Eeeyup,” I replied. I hadn't intended to troll Applejack by imitating her brother; it was just force of habit. I couldn't read the look she gave me.

“The spa is two blocks that way,” she pointed with a hoof. “It has a big ole sign, 'Luxury Lotus' or something like that. Can't miss it.” She looked off the way Pinkie Pie had run. “Almost can't miss it, anyway.”

“Right,” I confirmed. “Two blocks down the road, sign says 'Luxury Lotus', ask for Applejack's brother.” I placed one arm tightly against my side to hold my towel in place. Snapping to attention, I gave her my best salute, even down to the thousand-yard-straight-ahead stare.

A light seemed to flick on in AJ's head as I repeated back the instructions. “Ah'm such a silly pony sometimes. Ah plum forgot you don't know mah brother. His name's Big Macintosh. His cutie mark is... well it might be easier to show ya. Here.” She leaned down under her cart. “He's got a big 'ole half a Macintosh apple for a cutie mark.” She came back up with one of the aforementioned apples, and a great big knife. Gripping the handle in her teeth, she somehow contrived to produce enough force with just her neck and a small hop to cleave the apple clean in two. “Looks just like that there. To boot, he's red as a barn an' nearly as big as one.”

“Got it. I'll be back with him soon. And Applejack? Thank you.” Hopefully this wouldn't go wrong either. I didn't see any way for it to go wrong, though. And that gave me chills.

As I departed, AJ called after me that it's just what friends do. Friends... I hadn't done anything to be called a friend, and yet there it was. I hadn't done anything to warrant it, yet everypony I'd come across so far, barring the one I'd surprised, had offered me their friendship and goodwill without hesitation. The friends I had back home, back on Earth, were all hard-won. Sure, we'd always start talking from some common interest, games, work, school or the like, but to count someone as my friend? Someone who, if they showed up at my door naked in the middle of the night, I would loan clothing and drop everything for? There were only a scant handful of people I would do that for, but Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack had already done just that for me, a total stranger.

Lost in contemplation, I didn't notice when I walked past the spa. I didn't take notice of where I was until I saw a great tree looming ahead of me: Twilight Sparkle's library. Fearful of being spotted from its windows, I made an abrupt about-face and backtracked to the spa. In my daze I had forgotten the pony that had not welcomed me with open arms. Understandably so, as well. Finding a naked stranger in one's bathroom is the kind of thing that makes one reevaluate not having a firearm for home defense. And Twilight's magic was likely more effective than most firearms.

I shuddered.

My towel threatened to slip, but I caught it in time and redid the tuck. I looked up to see that I was standing in front of what must be my destination. The Luxury Lotus, read the sign. Beneath the establishment's name, in smaller text, it read: Spa and Relaxation Center.

Unlike some of the other edifices in town, namely Carousel Boutique and Sugar Cube Corner, The Luxury Lotus betrayed none of its intended function from the outside. The only possible clue was that all the windows were frosted for privacy. For privacy, even though I could see a few dozen naked ponies from where I was standing. Maybe they got a lot of bashful clients like Rainbow Dash.

A bell tinkled above my head as I entered. The receptionist, a lime-coated pink-maned mare I didn't recognize, looked up from her desk.

“Welcome to the Luxury Lotus,” she began in an inviting fashion. As she took in the creature standing in front of her, she faltered for a moment. She was a consummate professional, though, and her uncertainty didn't stop her for longer than just that moment. “What can we do for you today...” She stumbled on her words a bit, looking me over for some clue of something. “...ma'am?” she concluded, looking pleased with her deduction. My towel blocking the more obvious indicator of my gender, she had keyed off the signs on my chest: men's vestigial nipples.

I decided to let her mistake stand. Having worked customer service jobs myself, I know how embarrassing it is to know you'd gotten the “what gender” question wrong. “I'm actually just looking for Big Macintosh,” I said, contriving to shift my voice up as many octaves as possible. Which wasn't many. “Applejack told me I could find him here.”

“Ah, yes. Mr. Apple.” She consulted an appointment book on the desk. “It looks like his appointment still has a little while left. Um.” She was caught in the precarious position that always sucks in customer service. Her boss had given her explicit instructions to never disappoint a potential customer, as well as instructions to not interrupt Big Macintosh’s appointment. The receptionist did the only thing she could: offered me something else.

“If you’d like, I can get you set up in the massage room while you wait,” she offered. It looked like the management here was good; the staff had enough leeway to offer free services. A massage sounded heavenly, too. I was extremely stiff from sleeping on the ground. And being Pegasus-tackled. And ingloriously falling on a Unicorn. Though I was in something of a hurry to find the eldest Apple sibling and get my return to Earth back on track, my bones insisted I had time for a quick massage.

“I suppose I can stand the delay.”

“Right this way, then.” She made a mark on the appointment book and beckoned for me to follow. I was led down a short hall off the lobby to the spa proper. The back consisted mainly of a central common room, with smaller suites and supply rooms radiating off the sides. The common room was set up for socializing. A large bath dominated the floor, and various and sundry other treatment stations were set around it in clusters of two to four.

These were not our destination, however. The receptionist led me into one of the suites on the side. It was set up for a private massage; its sole furnishings were a massage table in the middle of the floor, a portable side table, and a storage cabinet.

“Here we are. Please make yourself comfortable, the masseuse should be with you shortly. I find it usually helps to have a head start on relaxing before they show up,” she advised. “I’ll let Big Macintosh know you’re waiting for him the moment he’s free.”

“Thanks, Miss... I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“Quite alright. It’s Key, like my Cutie Mark,” she informed me, indicating the depiction of an iron key on her flank. An iron key on a lime background...

“So that means your coat color is Key’s lime, right?” Her smile grew frosty.

“Ahaha.” Her laughter was very obviously forced. I guess she’d heard that one before. “Very right, miss. If you’ll excuse me.” She left, closing the door behind her a little more forcefully than necessary. Before it closed, she shot me a dirty look around the doorknob in her mouth. I couldn’t help but wonder if her saliva on that doorknob would be called Key’s slime.

I didn’t mention it to her.

I was left standing alone in the salon, clad only in my waist-wrapped towel. My background level of anxiety from public nudity began to subside. For once, I was finally in a place where my attire made sense. I undid my waistwrap and laid down on the massage table, placing the towel over my butt so the masseuse wouldn’t have to get a faceful of it when she walked in the door.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long. The door opened and I heard the sound of hooffalls growing closer on the carpeted floor. They paused for a moment, before continuing off in the direction of the storage cabinet. My masseuse wasn’t much for introductions, it seemed, and was getting straight to the business at hand. Er, hoof. Whatever.

After placing some items on the side table, she pushed it over towards me. There was a brief fumbling with a container, it appeared my masseuse was an Earth Pony, and some squirting of lotion onto hooves. Hooves which soon found themselves pressing into my back.

Those hooves! Their soles and frogs were incredibly soft, nearly as soft as Rainbow Dash’s had been. There were some key advantages these had over hers, though. The first, the hoof walls on these hooves had been meticulously filed smooth and flat. They glided across my skin with finesse, not once catching or scraping.

The second, these hooves were powerful. Whoever this masseuse was, she was likely the strongest mare in Ponyville. Her movements were precise and slow. She would locate a knotted muscle and proceed to methodically work it out all the way through, as deep as it may go. There were a few times where she was pressing so firmly I could have sworn I heard my bones creaking.

I heaved a sigh of contentment. This filly was good. Luckily, her touch on my back was much more relaxing than arousing, very much the opposite of when Rarity had run her hooves over my chest. The towel helped matters considerably.

As she worked lower, though, she began to approach the towel line. She still hadn’t said anything to me, and I was beginning to wonder what she intended to do when she ran out of back to massage. The relaxation factor would most certainly go down if she did anything with the towel or the bits of body beneath it. I needed to find out, but I had some time left before she reached it. A fairly innocuous conversation starter would do, I figured.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re really good at this?” I asked by way of compliment.

The hooves paused for a moment, and the masseuse replied in a much deeper voice than I was expecting.

“Eeyup.”