Warning: this is not a warning. I apologize for not making any apologies.
“...this is probably a horrible idea,” the pale yellow unicorn colt finally said, having taken a moment to survey the scene which lay before him.
“I'm gonna have to agree with Seth, here,” a shockingly white pegasus mare added, her mane an almost fluorescent pink.
“Aw, come on, guys! The boys at the lab tell me that it's completely safe! I mean, sure, there were a few...minor...setbacks, but hey! The road to scientific progress is paved with the occasional pothole or two, right?” The blue unicorn colt grinned shamelessly, absentmindedly running a hoof through his darkened blue mane.
“Minor?” Phoe asked with a tone of muted horror, eyebrows raised. A memory of video footage from a beta testing of a certain portal played in her mind's eye, causing her to shudder instinctively.
“Minor!” Cereal Velocity affirmed, fixing his warmest smile onto his face. Time to turn on the charm, he thought to himself. “Besides, the early testing had a lack of such lovely volunteers, trust me!” Phoe shot him a look that could turn a cockatrice to stone.
“All right, all right,” Sethisto said, diffusing the situation before it had a chance to escalate. “We've got a blog to run, you know, so let's make this quick. What exactly does it do, anyway?”
“Thought you'd never ask, Seth!” Cereal said cheerily, trotting over to the device. It was a formidable hunk of equipment, a jumble of wires and panels and flashing buttons that looked as though it had been thrown together with the care an Ursa Minor might take with quilting. Two roughly pony-shaped depressions in the metal stood next to one another, each hole adorned with odd looking metal helmets, themselves adorned with – surprisingly – more wires. Long tubes full of multi-coloured wires snaked around in haphazardly placed coils, eventually condensing into a bulk that converged at the back of a glowing terminal where the three ponies had gathered. Cereal gave the physical manifestation of his newest creation a cursory glance, sighing softly in satisfaction. The other two eyed the machine warily, afraid that an unfortunately timed sneeze or cough would topple the contraption.
“Seth, Phoe, what would you do if I told you it was possible to publish a blog post in seconds? Think about it – no more spell-checking, no more racking our brains at ungodly hours of the morning for clever quips and creative blurbs, and best of all – no more sleep deprivation!”
“Okay, now I'm actually interested,” Phoe remarked, ears perking up at the prospect.
“That...that'd be pretty sweet, I gotta admit,” Seth added, nodding slightly as he imagined how much easier running the internet's largest Pony blog would be. “But how does it work?”
“I'm getting to that. Now, we here at Equestrian Innovations have exhausted our expansive research and development budget on this prototype device – and believe me, it wasn't easy. I'm really glad the guys up in bookkeeping opted to get that vaporization insurance.”
“What?!” Phoe gasped, eyes shrinking to tiny blue pinpricks. Ignoring her, Cereal continued,
“We probably spent, like, two billion bits on this baby. It's got a state-of-the-art gemstone processor with diamond semiconductors, a quantum centrifuge with a parsed neutrino bypasser, three – count 'em, three! - moonstone encrusted P0N3-class power converters...” Seth and Phoe exchanged bored glances, knowing that Cereal was more than likely making up names for technology that likely did not exist for the sake of showponyship. They let him ramble for another minute or so, eyes silently judging the somewhat horrifying piece of machinery that their friend was describing.
“...and on top of all that, it even makes perfect muffins – every time!” he finished, waving his hoof dramatically through the air with a flourish.
“Fascinating,” Seth remarked dryly, trying his hardest not to facehoof. “But that still doesn't tell us anything. What exactly does it do, Cereal?”
“Glad you asked, Seth. With the power of Equestrian Innovations technology, the Automated Blog Post Poster 5000-”
“-Automated what?” Phoe interjected, raising a foreleg to her face to suppress a giggle.
“The Automated Blog Post Poster 5000! Guys in the PR department took a while to come up with that name, I'll have you know. Got a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Rolls off the tongue a whole lot nicer than the 'Equestrian Innovations Quantum-Drive Mind Powered Blog Post Expediter,' I think.”
“Wait, wait wait. Did you just say 'mind powered'?” Seth asked incredulously, suddenly feeling orders of magnitude more uncomfortable with the towering mass of wires and cables that lay before them.
“Darn tootin', I did! See those helmets up there? Next to the alpha/theta reconstitution panel?”
“I see the helmets, yeah. Alpha wha-?”
“Alpha/Theta reconstitution panel. Those helmets are powered by the latest and greatest gemstone semiconductors! When placed on a pony's head, they work a little bit like an electroencephalograph, but much, much more! Whereas your run of the mill EEG only reads brains waves and displays them on a boring ol' readout, those babies actually interpret thought! So, say somepony emails you, Seth, about a radio project or a new RPG game or something. While your brain takes in that information and processes it, those helmets automatically reconstitute the corresponding brain waves into raw data, which then goes through several highly advanced mathematical algorithms which, in turn, are passed through several Equestrian Innovations-patented data filters-”
“In Equestrian, please,” Phoe interrupted, massaging her temples as she felt the beginnings of a migraine to form.
“...right. In Equestrian. Hmm...well, basically, anything you think, the ABPP-5000 turns into a flawless, cleverly-worded blog post.”
“Are you sure it's safe?” Seth asked, still somewhat skeptical of the machine's capabilities. “How extensively have you tested this thing so far?”
“Extensively.”
“...how extensively, Cereal? Last time you talked Phoe and I into being your guinea pigs for one of your crazy experiments, we both ended up with extra sets of legs!”
“Heh heh...yeah, that. I told the boys in the lab that the Ruby Replicator needed to be re-calibrated...” he said, rubbing a hoof behind his head sheepishly.
“Cereal...” Phoe began menacingly, eyes narrowing into little slits. “Are you sure there's something about this machine that you're not telling-”
“-But that's all in the past! All in the past, now,” he shouted nervously, his grin taking on a mildly maniacal quality to it. “Trust me, guys. Have I ever lead you astray?”
“Yes,” the other two replied simultaneously. Cereal's grin faltered, then finally fell.
“C'mon, guys. I really need your help, here. Our testers...well, let's just say that they're not cut out for the kind of blog posting that we do. Every single one of the posts that the ABPP-5000 generates from their brain waves always ends up being about cupcakes or something. Totally irrelevant. You guys have the experience needed to run this machine through the gauntlet, so to speak. Equestrian Innovations needs you. Heck, I need you!” The grin returned, slightly less maniacal even as the blue unicorn's body tensed in anticipation. “...please say yes?”
There was silence between the three for a moment, the only sounds being the clicking and whirring of various pieces and parts within the machine itself. Finally, Phoe spoke.
“Ugh. I don't know how I keep letting you talk me into these things, Cereal. You're just lucky I'm so nice!” Cereal's grin grew even wider as he clapped his forehooves together giddily. “But-” she added, taking him down a peg, “-I swear to Celestia, if I end up with another set of legs or a second head or something this time, I'm leaking those pictures from last year's Nightmare Night party onto the blog.” The blue unicorn colt grew pale, eyes widening.
“You wouldn't.”
“Oh, believe me, I would. Y'know, I'm still kinda impressed how well you pulled off that tutu-”
“-all right, all right! I believe you. No extra appendages this time, I promise. Seth, how 'bout you, buddy? You in?” The pale yellow unicorn colt remained pensive for a moment, apparently lost in deep thought.
“Well...if this thing works like you say it does, it would make running Equestria Daily a heck of a lot easier,” he reasoned, still sounding somewhat unsure.
“Aw, c'mon Seth,” Phoe said, playfully jabbing him in the ribs with a pure white foreleg. “What's the worst that could ha-”
“-I don't know, and I don't want to know!” Seth almost shouted, a sudden memory of trying to brush his teeth with five too many forelegs popping into his noggin. “Cereal, let's just get this over with. I'm doing this as a favor, and as a friend, ok?” Cereal Velocity made a sound that could only be described as a squee!, cantering forward a few paces as he swept the pegasus and unicorn into a warm hug.
“Thank you guys so much! I just know it'll work this time! Oh, this is so exciting!” Seth and Phoe blushed a bit, not used to being within such close proximity to one another. Thankfully, the embrace lasted for only a few seconds, and the two instinctively backed away from one another as soon as they were released. Cereal happily trotted over to the terminal, hooves clacking away on the oversized keyboard as he queued up the protocols needed to begin the testing.
“Right...” he muttered to himself. “Initializing processors...connections looks stable...data transfer looks good...all right!” He looked up from the terminal. “If you two would kindly step over to the helmets, we can begin.” Seth and Phoe wordlessly trotted over to the pony-shaped divets in the machine, eyeing the helmets somewhat warily. They reached up and grabbed the slick metal devices, noting their weight.
“Uh, Cereal? How am I supposed to...” Seth began, holding the helmet before him.
“Hm? What's that?” Seth pointed to his horn, indicating the lack of a hole for it to fit through.
“Oh! Trade with Phoe, Seth. You've got the earth pony and pegasus model.” Seth nodded, shuffling and switching places with the white pegasus. He looked at the second helmet, and there was indeed an opening at the top; he gingerly slipped the helmet onto his head, making sure to thread his horn through the hole. The helmet fit snugly against his skull, and he heard the minute sounds of whirring machinery within. Phoe followed suit, readjusting her pink mane so it didn't fall into her face. Meanwhile, Cereal continued clacking furiously at the keyboard, still muttering to himself under his breath as the machinery around the two helmet-wearing ponies came to life. Several beeps and boops here and there rang out as a mechanical whine indicated began to grow within the machine. A little over a minute passed when Cereal finally looked up from the terminal.
“Ok. Right. We're just about ready to get started, here. Now, I'd like to ask the two of you to think about the process of posting on Equestria Daily – what runs through your mind? What message would you like to convey? What wording and sentence structure do you use?”
“Probably something with far too many exclamation points, in Seth's case,” Phoe teased. Seth grinned, turning toward her and sticking out his tongue.
“Probably something lacking any semblance of humor or wit, in Phoe's case,” he retorted. He was met with a playful glare as she too stuck out her tongue.
“All right, you two lovebirds. Let's not get distracted-”
“LOVEBIRDS?!” Seth and Phoe shouted, looking absolutely mortified.
“How could you think-” Phoe began.
“That's absolutely, positively-” Seth began as well, the two speaking over one another as their vociferous protests melded together into an indignant cacophony of protest and denial.
“Sorry, sorry!” Cereal raised his hooves in the air, attempting to calm them. “It was just a joke, sheesh!” The two helmet wearing ponies relented, the faintest blush creeping into their cheeks despite their cross expressions. “All righty, then. Are you guys ready?”
“Ready as I'll ever be,” Phoe grumbled.
“Yeah, sure.” Seth added. With a nod, Cereal typed a few lines of code with an air of finality. His hoof hovered over the “enter” key.
“Ok, Automated Blog Post Poster 5000, test #63, beginning in 3...2...1.” He pushed “enter.”
The machine kicked into overdrive, the mechanical whine becoming more like a pained screech. Faint hums and thrums filled the room, reverberating off of the walls. Seth and Phoe found themselves temporarily lost in their own heads as the machine read their brain waves; it was not an unpleasant sensation, a queer mixture of tingling and tickling inside their skulls that left a lingering warm and fuzzy feeling as a subtle undertone. Thousands and thousands of lines of raw data passed through the cabling, invisible packets of information flying through the machine with dizzying speed as it ran through the Alpha/Theta reconstitution panel and through the myriad filters beyond.
“All right, all right! Everything seems to be going smoothly,” Cereal remarked to no one in particular, his eyes darting from the readouts on the terminal to the machine itself. “Power level is nominal, data transfer is...whoa, really fast! Hm...maybe a little bit too fast. Let me see...yep, all three semiconductors operating at – wait, what? That shouldn't be happening...” His gaze was firmly fixed to the terminal, eyebrows raised in incredulity. “Semiconductors operating at 300% beyond peak capacity? How is that even possible?!” A sharp hissing followed by a loud pop! snapped his attention back to the machine itself as a circuit just to the right of Phoe blew out, sparks flying outward as the panel began to smoke. “Oh, nononono, not good, not good...” he said worriedly, hooves already hammering away the keyboard. Several warning sirens and klaxons began to sound as a series of red lights lit up on the adjacent wall, turning within their enclosures as they spun and flashed. “Execute command...wait, why can't I shut it off? Why isn't it shutting off?!” Beads of sweat began to form on his brow as he frantically typed command after command. The terminal remained unresponsive.
Seth and Phoe, blissfully unaware of the madness that had began to occur around them, were suddenly overtaken by an entirely new sensation. It was not unlike the warm, fuzzy feeling from before – instead, though, it felt amplified, alive, as it coursed through their bodies. Mental images flashed in their heads, and the feeling doubled, then tripled – for Seth, a laughing white pegasus mare with a vibrant pink mane, winking – for Phoe, a pale yellow unicorn colt with a cheeky smirk on his face, the corners of his smile twitching upward with pure, undiluted happiness behind his bright blue eyes.
“Oh, screw it!!” Cereal cursed as he darted away from the terminal, galloping to the plug behind the machine as quickly as he could. Not even thinking to use his unicorn magic through his panic, he bit down on the thick, black cable and tugged with all his might. Finally, with one final yank, the cable came free from the plug, sending him topping backward end-over-end. He landed in a heap against the machine, clunking his head against the warm metal as it powered down. The mechanical shriek became a dull whine, then died; the alarm had ceased and the red lights had gone off. All that remained was the subtle buzzing of the lights which hung overhead, flickering slightly.
Seth is gonna kill me, he thought demurely to himself as he quickly trotted back to the front of the machine. He winced, bracing himself for the verbal (and perhaps physical) assault that he was no doubt about to endure. What he saw, however, surprised him. Not only were Seth and Phoe all in one piece – and no extra limbs! - they appeared to be...smiling? Why would they be smiling at me? That test was a disaster! Wait...wait, no, they're not smiling at me. They're smiling at...each other? Hold on, hold on. That's not just a smile. Those aren't...oh, Celestia, what have I done...
Seth and Phoe carefully removed themselves from the still-sparking machine, ignoring the plumes of smoke that were billowing from the damaged panels. They eyed one another in an entirely new light, taking each other in. How come I never noticed this before? they each thought at the same time, each one of them narrowing their eyes. Their smiles widened as the two approached one another, hearts fluttering in their chests. They were silent for another moment, Cereal looking on in a mixture of shock and horror.
“Hey,” Seth was the first to speak, his voice airy and carefree.
“Hey yourself,” Phoe said, winking at him just like she did in Seth's mind.
Without another word, the two met in a passionate embrace, their lips locking together as each closed their eyes, feeling and relishing the warmth of their own bodies intertwined. Seth's tongue darted briefly into Phoe's opened mouth, exploring the tops and bottoms and insides of her teeth. She returned the favour, their tongues sliding wetly against one another as their breathing became heated, chests rising and falling with each pant. Phoe's snow-white wings stiffened ever so slightly, the soft, supple feathers flaying outward as they kissed. There was not a single face in the room not sporting a blush.
Cereal's jaw worked soundlessly, his wide, unblinking eyes shrinking into little pinpricks.
“I am so fired.”
