A Muzzleful of Zapp

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Power Ponies, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Applejack
Length: 7433

While playing an innocent game of Power Ponies inside an enchanted comic book, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash come upon an impasse. For the "adventure" to end, Mistress Marevelous and Zapp are required to kiss. *Passionately.*

Since their first day being Power Ponies, Spike's marefriends have returned to Canterlot's House of Enchanted Comics for more adventures. One afternoon, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash are enjoying a supertastic escapade as Radiance, Mistress Marevelous, and Zapp. The number one written rule of these enchanted comics is simple: the fantasy will not end until the narrative plays itself out. One problem, though. For this particular "adventure" to end, it's written that Mistress Marevelous and Zapp must kiss. Passionately.

Published 2014-01-25 06:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-25 06:20:04 UTC

KaPOWWW!

"Two-Flanks! Two-Flanks! Two-Flanks! Two-Flanks!" a throng of thugs all cheered.

Deep inside a metal foundry on the edge of Maretropolis, two dozen dastardly denizens of darkness huddled, joined in their bellicose chants of bloodlust. They raised hooves towards a metal platform looming precariously above a bubbling industrial cauldron of molten metal. The hellish amberlight from the frothing solution shone across the sick stallions' grimy muzzles, highlighting every bruise, stab, and welt that the multiplicitous goons had accumulated from a life of crime and henchponying.

Outside, starry night hung low over the evil hideout, twinkling with a tranquility that was far-removed from that very cacophonous cabal of crooks. Then, at long last, a lone, limping figure trotted across the metal gantry above the molten mixture from the left. The thugs cheered thrice as loud, stomping the ground with crooked horseshoes while chanting with even more vibrant villainous vigor.

"Two-Flanks! Two-Flanks! Two-Flanks! Two-Flankssss!"

Their insidious leader trotted across the walkway, his well-groomed and handsome profile lit up by the molten metal. Once he reached the center, he pivoted to face the group, exposing a grimacing gremlin of an expression, slicing straight down his face from forehead to muzzle. In fact, the entire left side of his body was mutated beyond recognition, and the left sleeves of his suit had been burnt and shredded to match the grotesque demarcation, as if he had once rolled partially into a vat of acid not unlike the treacherous pit over which he currently stood, forelimbs waved high to silence the hollers of his lackeys below.

When finally they stood like slobbering ogres in dreadful silence, the dreadful despot of Maretropolis' dark alleys spoke in a gravelly, raspy voice.

"My fellow foul-doers! Today is a good day for chaos! Today is a good day for criiiime!"

The burly cretins below him stomped the foundry's concrete floor while cheering and hissing wildly.

Two-Flanks banged the railing of the walkway with his hoof and spat, "The Silver Horseshoe Treasury's wealth now belongs to the galloping gangs of evil! Maretropolis is broke! Tonight, they wallow in their hitherto untasted destitution! And tomorrow morning, they will turn to me—Two-Flanks! Their new and solitary banker!"

More cheers. The windows rattled on their panes as flakes of metallic ash leapt randomly out from the bubbling cauldron.

"But will I provide the city with the silver that they sorely desire?!" Two-Flanks grunted as he pointed into the molten pit. "Or will I dump it all into the vat here and turn their precious commodity into liquid goo?!"

"Dump it! Dump it! Dump it! Dump it!"

"Shggggggguddddddddddddddduppppp!" Two-Flanks leaned hard over the railing, hissing out the mutilated side of his muzzle. He gave them all a bug-eyed stare, making the gathered crooks quake in their grungy orange jumpsuits. Then, leaning back, he pulled a bronze horseshoe out from his breast pocket. One edge was scratched to the point of illegibility, and he flipped both sides of the heavy metal article with casual flare. "Maybe I'll ruin this city, or maybe I'll give it the mercy that they don't deserve. That, my conniving companions, is up to the whim of fate."

Grunting, the villain slammed the battered edge of his horseshoe against the railing and produced sparks, lighting up his sneering smile.

"But enough with that rubbish?! It's time for the main event!" Spinning around, he whipped out a remote control and clicked it towards the ceiling.

Whurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! A giant metal hook lowered down, upon the end of which dangled an elegant white unicorn dressed in bejeweled blue spandex with a matching eye-mask. The antagonistic audience filled the air with mixed cheers and wolf whistles.

"Nnnngh... Unhoof me, you foul brutes!" Rarity stammered and grunted, writhing with tiny little grunts and squeaks as she struggled helplessly with her tight, tight bindings. "I swear, this is most uncouth!"

"Hah! Well, if it isn't the elegant and fair Radiance!" Two-Flanks cackled, slapping his hooves down on the gantry stretched beneath Rarity. He leaned up, tilting his bug-eye towards the mare as he waved a familiar pair of violet bracelets. "Looking for theeeeeese, toots?! Hmmm-hnngh-hnngh-hnngh... You're not all that tough without being able to make your crap constructs, are you?!"

The thugs rolled in a sea of laughter far below.

"Hmmmph!" Rarity tilted her nose haughtily towards the ceiling. "I can't decide which is worse, your manners or your foul breath! And what in the name of Celestia are you wearing?!" She almost wretched from where she dangled dangerously above the molten metal. "The right side is garish tweed and the left side is vomitous patchwork! Ungh! I honestly don't know which side of you to laugh at!"

"Silence!" Two-Flanks rattled on the platform, waving a threatening hoof. "You and your moronic marefriends have meddled with my metal for the last time! I knew that your stumpy dragon friend, Humdrum, was foolish enough to plant a tracking device on the stolen horseshoes from the Maretropolis Treasury! So, I sprung a trap for him, and how lucky we were to get you instead!" He smirked over the railing. "Isn't that right, boys?!"

As the thugs whooped and hollered, Rarity shouted, "You just wait until my super-friends get here! They'll show you what for, you bifurcatedly groomed philistine!"

"Tssk tssk..." Two-Flanks waved his hoof at her. "You don't get to revel in your last words here, Radiance. No one is coming to save you! Especially not your self-righteous punk pals, the Pompous Ponies!"

"Why! I never!"

"Stole the words right of my mouth. Both sides of it!" Two-Flanks pulled the remote controller out again and hovered his hoof right over the blood-red button. "You'll never get to flounce your pitiful, perfumed mane... ever again!"

Click!

With a rattling jolt, the dangling hook wormed its way towards the center of the bubbling pool of red-hot molten metal. Rarity grunted and shook, starting to sweat as the noxious fumes of the death-drip wafted up to tickle her pale nose.

"Oh no! Oh, this is utterly catastrophic! Saaaaaaave me, somepony! Please! Saaaaave me!"

Two-Flanks growled over the cheers of his criminal cohorts. "Scream all you like, ya hussy! I'm not going to have mercy!" He rubbed his hooves together while the mutated side of his face twitched. "Or am I...?"

The thugs booed at that.

"Oh hush up, ya clowns!" Two-Flanks shook his fist down at them while Rarity lowered ever-so-slowly towards her burning demise. "I am not a stallion without chivalry!" That said, he pulled out his bronze, defaced horseshoe yet again. "Dirty side? She dies." He turned it over with a vicious grin. "Clean side? She dies faster."

"EeeeeeEeeeeeEeeeeeEeeeeeek!" Rarity eek'd.

The foundry instantly filled with cheering once again.

"Zoop!" Two-Flanks tossed the horseshoe towards the ceiling.

The vandalized thing flew, spinning slowly in glorious, glimmering high definition. But just then, proceeded by a sudden letterbox shrinking of the screen, another horseshoe—this one golden and bespeckled with starry apples—flew in from seemingly nowhere and struck Two-Flanks' prized possession in mid-air, sailing it across the Foundry until both embedded with a rattling stop against the rusted wall in the distance.

"Nooooooo!" Two-Flanks fell on his knees, sobbing. "My lucky shoe!" His left eye flashed wide, and he spun around with a tiger roar. "Mistressssss—"

"—Marevelous!" Thud! Applejack landed on the catwalk, masked and beautiful. She retracted her lasso from the daredevilish swing through a fourth story window and grinned wickedly. "And your luck just run out, Two-Flanks!"

The thugs all gasped—then shielded their eyes from a sudden bolt of lighting. With a burst of tornadic wind, Rainbow Dash flew in through a window on the opposite side and hovered above the quivering crowd, her leotard glossy from fresh rain and sleet.

"Mffouu cfffl dwwfffnn dffh ffhhndrr?!" Rainbow's ruby eyes crossed, and she spat out her golden lightning bolt pendant with frustration. "Now reap the whirlwind!"

"You bucked that up, sugarcube," Applejack hissed out the wide of her mouth.

"I know." Rainbow's ears drooped on either side of her spiked mane. "Just roll with it."

"Girls!" Rarity cooed, her eyes starry as her body dangled deep into the rising steam. "You came to save me! Not only are you my super friends!" She squeaked in a high-pitched tone. "You're my super heroes!"

"Zapp!" Two-Flanks hobbled backwards from the two vigilantes. He nevertheless found the courage to growl, "Where're the rest of the Power Pansies?! Off powdering their muzzles?!"

"Ya kiddin'?" Applejack rolled her green eyes and telekinetically twirled her lasso. "We only need half the team to kick yer butt-bugly keister!"

"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash punched her hooves together, grinning wickedly. "Maybe you should think twice before trying to double your winnings, half-pint!"

"Rainbow, honestly..."

"Oh, like you get to say all the cool stuff!"

"How in the turkey-tickling tap-dancing crap did you queens of crime fighting even find my hideout?!" Two-Flanks hollered.

Applejack trotted menacingly forward. "We simply took a gander around the Maretropolis Treasury with a lil' help from our good pal, Humdrum!" She twirled her lasso faster. "It didn't take long for the scent of evil to take us straight to yer doggone lair!"

Rainbow Dash planted her hooves on her hips and smirked. "Actually, it was Rarity's super pungent lavender perfume." She glanced aside and waved a hoof before her blue muzzle. "Ease up on that stuff, girl!"

Rarity tilted her head up, smiling as the heat curled the tips of her mane. "Never leave home without ittttt!"

"Well, it's too late to drop the curtain on my crusade of chaos!" Two-Flanks held the remote up high and slapped his hoof over it once more. "Say good-bye to your friend, mare-do-whacks! She'll make for a radiant tombstone beyond the grave! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Oh noooooooooooes!" Rarity tossed her head back in a fainting gesture as the hook plunged towards the pool of flame faster.

"Zapp, you get his henchies!" Applejack sneered, charging the stallion across the catwalk. "This lil' piggy's mine!"

"Aye, cap'n, my cap'n!" Rainbow Dash dove low.

"Oh please help meeeeeeeee—Wait, wut?" Rarity glanced up, gawking. Her mane flounced from Rainbow Dash's surging fly-by.

"Time to cool off, ya hotheaded melon fudges!" Rainbow Dash thrashed her neck back so that her lightning bolt pendant flew up within reach. Her teeth clasped onto the golden totem, and soon she was summoning a swirling blizzard across the roof of the foundry. With flashes of elemental light, a snow flurry blew down, freezing every scrambling thug in his tracks. Within mere seconds, Two-Flanks' entire entourage had been neutralized.

"But... it... wait a minute!" Breathless, Rarity frowned at the sound of the catwalk scuffle.

"Nnnngh!" Applejack had slammed Two-Flanks down and was mounting his shoulders, hog-tying the squirming cretin's hooves in a Cloudsdalian blink. "C'mere ya little burnt side of bacon! That's more like it!" Victorious, she stood up and reared her hooves. "Yeeeeee-haaa!"

"Girls! This simply will not do!" Rarity grunted, her dangling hooves just inches from the bubbling broth. "Please! Will you look at what you're—Oh, for Celestia's sake." Clearing her throat, Rarity tilted her head towards the ceiling and spoke in a loud, authoritarian voice. "Narratum Immobulata!"

"Seems like yer partners like winter!" Applejack was busy tossing Two-Flanks' ragdoll body over the catwalk's railing. "Lets see how ya like the fall!"

"NOOOOOooo-ooo-ooo-o... o... o..." Two-Flanks' shriek slowed to a deep bass rattle. The entire world went monotone, losing all color as it lost all motion. The criminal overlord soon hovered in mid-air, still as an ice sculptor, his mouth hanging open in a mute scream.

"Uhhhh..." Applejack leaned back, scratching her scalp as she glanced confusedly at the brunt ashes locked in place above the edges of the molten cauldron. "What in tarnation?"

Rainbow trotted limply through the forest of iced thugs as her voice cracked, "I think Rarity did that 'fantasy pause' command spell thingy."

"Rarity did what?"

"Rarity, what the hay?!" Rainbow Dash soared up so that she was level with the bound unicorn. She frowned as she exclaimed, "We were beating up the bad guys and saving the day n'stuff!"

"Noooo..." Rarity glared back through a thin eyemask. Tufts of steam lingered like frozen curtains around her. "You were both owning them, in every sense of the trite gerund."

"Well, ain't that what we're supposed to do?!" Applejack leaned limply over the catwalk railing with her lasso dangling like a golden umbilical cord. "We done spent all this here time trackin' you down clear across the outskirts of Maretropolis!"

"Yeah! This is supposed to be the final, exciting battle!" Rainbow Dash did a hoofie-kick in the air. "Haaaa-chaaaa!"

"Only there is nothing exciting about it!" Rarity upturned her nose. "The point of a climactic engagement such as this is to draw things out for the sake of theatrical suspense. This is—after all—supposed to be Issue Twenty-Two of our most smashing periodical: 'Power Ponies – Equestria's Finest: Double Trouble in the Silver City!'"

"I reckon I'm lost, Rarity," Applejack said, pointing at the frozen sequence. "Zapp here just froze a whole bunch of baddies lickety split! And I was goin' hoof-to-hoof with Mister Flank Face himself!"

"Only you're being entirely too swift about it!" Rarity harumphed. "Imagine to yourselves that you're seated at a classic play, and the final act is undertaken within a matter of mere seconds! Uhh! It's disastrously anticlimactic, I tell you!"

"I dunno..." Applejack tapped her chin. "The only plays I've ever sat down to were the ones Apple Bloom starred in for school, and I can't rightly say I've stayed awake for a single one of 'em."

"Unnngh! You mean the thing where you dance around pretending to be a bunch of different vegetables?!" Rainbow Dash made a vomiting expression. "Lamest thing ever, right?!"

"I hear ya!" Applejack raised a hoof.

Rainbow slapped it with hers. "Up top!" She snickered while Applejack guffawed.

"Oh my stars and garters..." Rarity rolled her eyes until they nearly got lost in her skull. She turned and grumbled, "The least you could do is try and make this occasion enjoyable. I had to schedule two weeks in advance to set aside four hours from my busy dress-making schedule! If I don't have the silver satin skirts ready by the weekend, I'll have let poor Coco Pommel in Manehattan down!"

"Coco who?" Rainbow Dash squinted in mid-hover.

"Easy for you to play stage director, Rarity." Applejack pushed back the brim of a hat that wasn't there and smirked mischievously. "All you had to do for the last act of this fantasy is hang there all distressed-like. If I didn't know better, I'd say ya enjoyed bein' in yer natural element!"

"Well at least I'm making a dramatic show of it, Mistress Marevelous, or should I say 'Duldrumjack?'"

"I beg yer pardon?"

"All I'm asking is that you two put a little bit more effort into making this climactic event more mesmerizing!" Rarity glanced from friend-to-friend. "We all chipped in a sizable amount of bits for this enchanted book. Would it not behoove us to make the best of it?"

"Eeeeeeeyugggh!" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, writhing in mid-air. "Enough friggin' talk already! Fine! What do you want us to do, Rarity?" She shrugged wildly. "Switch roles so that I'm taking on Two-Flanks and Mistress Marevelous is butting heads with the crowd of criminals?

Rarity inhaled sharply, her muzzle grinning a crescent moon. "Why, Rainbow Dash! What a most fabulous idea!"

"Buh?" Rainbow blinked.

"Uhm..." Applejack's muzzle scrunched. "Shucks, can we even do that?"

"Most definitely!" Rarity jerked her head to the side. With a glowing horn, she materialized a colorful pamphlet back into the visible spectrum. "At least, I cannot see why not! Let me simply check the source here..."

"Whoah whoah whoah..." Rainbow Dash hovered backwards with flailing hooves. She grimaced. "Rarity? Just what in the heck is that?"

"What else does it look like, darling?" Rarity squinted through her mask as she flip-flip-flipped towards the end of the comic book. "It's the very issue we're starring in!"

"Wait, you mean th-that you brought an enchanted book with us... inside the enchanted book from the House of Enchanted Books in Canterlot?!" Rainbow hissed sharply, pulling at her frayed mane. "Ah jeez, my head! Enchantedceptionnnn!"

"Oh please, Rainbow, don't be so plebeian." Rarity paused to wink over the paper binding. "If you must know, this is simply an unaltered copy, not a drop of magic to be found in any of its pages." She flipped a few more printed leaves. "Think of it as something of a guidebook."

"Heh," Applejack leaned her chin against her hoof. "Now I know what you were doin' all the while to bide your time while in Two-Flanks' clutches."

"Thanks for proving that you still have an innocent imagination, Applejack." Rarity's eyes brightened. "Ah! Here we are! Nnnngh!" Squirming in her binds, she pointed her glowing hoof at one of the big splash panels across the page. "Look here, see? Ahem. 'The Dazzling Duo of the Power Ponies fearlessly fought the garish gang to win back the safety of their bound sister-in-spirit, as well as to salvage all of Maretropolis' shiny silver shoes!'"

"Guhhh..." Rainbow Dash's muzzle twisted. "Who wrote this? A room full of lemurs at typewriters?"

"Oh, Rainbow, ain't no thang!" Applejack waved. "Just like Spike showed us a month ago! It's all in good fun!" She blinked, then squinted nervously at Rainbow. "But I sure don't see anythang about Zap takin' on Two-Flanks while I try to tackle the gang, single-hoofed."

"Well, you don't see it saying anything about the contrary, for that matter." She smiled. "That's the beauty of pulp fiction, is it not? So much is left to our imagination."

"Pffft." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "If you say so."

"Don't you see? This means that you can switch roles!" Rarity smiled and pointed at the page again with her horn. "The climax is ours to make, so long as we adhere strictly to what's stated in the narration!"

"Ya sure that we won't... oh, I dunno..." Applejack brushed her bangs back and shrugged. "...break the rules and somehow bring the whole fantasy to a screeching halt?"

"Applejack, don't you know anything about Enchanted Book Fantasies?" Rarity zapped the book and it disappeared once more into the ether. "The narrative only ends once we've accomplished all that's been written down! No random mistake will cause the adventure to come crashing down on its knees! Why, I don't think it's even possible to have a 'game over,' as t'were."

"No way!" Rainbow Dash grumbled. "That means, no matter how crazy impossible it looks, Mistress Marevelous—a pony with virtually no powers whatsoever—is somehow gonna take on a group of over twenty bad guys all on her own!" She frowned and folded her forelimbs. "She's totally gonna showboat up Zapp!"

"Hey!" Applejack frowned. "I so do have powers, gul-durn it!" She flailed her yellow cord around. "I've got... erm... 'brain lasso!' Yeah!"

"What skills you have doesn't matter nearly as much as how you use it," Rarity said, smirking. "Didn't our Spikey-Wikey teach us that in the first place?"

"He did?" Rainbow blinked.

"Grrrrrrrrr..." Rarity's forehead turned red.

"Unngh... Fine. Whatever." Rainbow Dash hovered up high. "Let's just get this over with."

Rarity cleared her throat.

Rainbow rolled her eyes again. "Right. Let's get this over with... sloOoOoOowwwlyyyyy."

"Haven't we gotten a bit too far, though? With this here fight, I mean?" Applejack said, gawking at Two-Flanks' frozen fall. "Rarity, yer the one who studied up on all the enchanted book mumbo jumbo. Reckon you know the magic words for this situation?"

"I most certainly dooooo! Ahem." Rarity tilted her dainty chin ceilingward. "Narratum Reversolatti!"

Rainbow Dash blinked, until she realized that Two-Flanks was floating up past her and towards the catwalk above. "Whoah!" She gaped as the molten metal cauldron swallowed its spat-up ashes, the curtains of steam shrank into the floor of the foundry, and the panicked gang of thugs became unfrozen. At the same time, the hook dangling Rarity over her "doom" raised back up towards cat-walk level.

"Aaaaaaaaand..." Rarity flexed her muzzle for pronunciation. "Narratum Immobulata!" She glanced back and forth at her two spandex'd friends. "That should just about do it. Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." Applejack cracked the joints in her neck and forelimbs.

"Take positions!" The unicorn sing-songed. "Rainbow Dash—?"

"Yeah yeah, Radiance," Rainbow hovered just above the catwalk. "Let 'er rip."

"Very well then. Remember, the key is to be theatrical and dramatic!" She smirked, took a deep breath, and hollered: "Narratum activari!"

Color returned in amber waves to the treacherous hideout. Two-Flanks bulging eye finished blinking in slow motion as his voice oozed back to a comprehensible speed. "S... a... a... aaa-aaa-aaa-ay goodbye to your friend, mare-do-whacks!" His hoof brushed the red button of the remote—

"BUCK YOU!" Rainbow drop-kicked him savagely across the face. Two-Flanks flew across the catwalk like a living, shrieking bowling pin.

"Rainbow!" Rarity shrieked, then winced. "I mean—Zapp! Confound it! Not so fast!"

"I'm just softening him up!" With a devilish smirk, Rainbow darted over, straddled his chest, and pummeled his muzzle repeatedly. "How 'bout it, bucko?! You like both sets of teeth turnin' to oatmeal?!"

"Nnnnngh." Rarity groaned, then snapped out of it. "I mean—Eeeeeeeeep! Power Ponies! Sisters in vigilance! Save meeee!"

"Don't push it, sugarcube." Applejack dove clear over the railing, plunging towards the foundry floor. "Yeeeeeee-haaa—Ooof!" She fell flat on her jumpsuited belly in the center of the flinching thugs. "Unnngh—Darn it, brain lasso!" She instantly hopped up and started bucking criminals left and right. "Come on! Let's dance, y'all!"

"Remember to stretch it out!" Rarity chimed yet again. "Build suspense!"

"Stay in character, Radiance!"

"Oh right. OHHHHHHH-ohhhhhh-WOE is MEEEEeeeeEEEEeee!"

"Haaah!" Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash spun the golden pendant like a hula-hoop around her neck, summoning clouds of hailstones on either side of Two-Flanks. "Raaaugh! Yeaaaah! Ha-ha-ha! Ya scared yet, saddlestain?!"

"Owch! Augh!" Two-Flanks winced and flinched, rubbing his shoulders from where the spontaneous volleys of icy shards grazed him. "You self-righteous freak! Why don't you fight me like a real pony?!"

"I've got an even better question for you!" Rainbow Dash grinned wickedly, her ruby eyes glowing. "Do you know what happens to a stallion when it's struck by lightning?!" She clasped her teeth over the golden totem while thunder built overhead. "Thhff fmffe ffinffg tffht hffpfnf tffo efffrffgnngh effe!"

Bzzzzzzttt! A blinding flash of lightning ripped through the air, shocking the metal grating of the catwalk underneath. Rainbow Dash—hovering on blue wings—was unfazed. Two-Flanks, however—

"Gllggglgggllgggllggglllgg!" An equine skeleton flickered in and out of naked eyesight. At last, once the electrocution had run its course, Two-Flanks teetered back and forth, his two-toned mane reduced to charred black fuzz. "Guaaaaaaaah... h-hey!" He raised a hoof as he smiled, cross-eyed. "I'm seeing double!" Thud!

"Ehhhhhh..." Rainbow Dash spat out the pendant and shrugged. "I've settled for worse."

"Smashing show, Zapp!" Rarity glanced down from where she dangled. "Mistress, how fairs you?!"

"Nnnngh!" Applejack bucked a thug into a pile of scrap metal, effortlessly dodged a crowbar swing, and lassoed the offending stallion around the waist. "Marevelously, Radiance!" With a growl, she swung the screaming cretin into a charging group of fellow thugs. "Hah! How's that for the dramatics?"

"Yeah yeah..." Rainbow Dash hovered over to Rarity's side, swung her necklace around, and summoned a sharp hailstone dagger. "Enjoy the spotlight while you can, Wonder Mare." She stabbed at Rarity's binding, slicing the ropes free.

The cords fell away, falling into the molten mess below with a burst of steam. Rarity instantly exhaled with relief and fell into Rainbow's cradling grasp, nuzzling the pegasus dearly. "Heeeeeee! Oh Zapp, my hero!"

"Eeeeeyuuuugh!" Rainbow rolled her eyes and shoved a pair of violet bracelets into the unicorn's grasp. "Here. Take control of your stinkin' Tacky Condors already."

"Attack Constructs! Seriously, darling!" Rarity backflipped out of Rainbow's grip and landed in the basket of a translucent violet hot-air balloon. "Oh Mareveloussssss!" She waved.

"Haaaaugh!" Applejack bull-tackled her way through a grunting group of thugs. She stood in the center of the foundry, panting and sweating with a grin on her face. "Y'know what? I think I'm takin' a fancy to this here against-all-odds stuff!" She clapped her hooves against the concrete floor and squatted low. "So how 'bout it, ya schemin' varmints?! That all ya got?!"

Before the bruised stallions could hobble back to their hooves, several glowing lavender cages fell over them, imprisoning them to the floor. "I do believe you dispensed enough justice on the ruffians that their distant cousins felt it, Mistress."

Applejack's hooded ears drooped. "Awwwwwww..." She stood up straight, watching as Rarity descended via a shimmering parachute and Rainbow Dash swooped down with Two-Flanks in her grasp.

"Aaaaaaand—That..." Rainbow tossed the big bad boss through the middlemost cage's open door while Rarity slammed it shut. "...is what I call taking out the trash!"

"Darn tootin'!" Applejack struck a pose.

"The silver belongs to Maretropolis!" So did Rarity. "The day is saved! Thanks to the Power Ponies!"

"Awwwwwwwwww yeah!" Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof, freezing above the other two's heads in fluidic jubiliation.

Somewhere in the distance, a bombastic orchestral note reached its peak, and ended with a gong-strike of finality.

Then all was silent.

Applejack stared into open space. Rarity continued grinning. Rainbow Dash remained frozen in mid air.

Further silence.

Applejack was the first to dart her green eyes left and right. "Uhm... Rarity...?"

Rarity grunted through her clenched, smiling teeth. "Ahem..."

"Radiance." Applejack whispered aside. "No, darn it—Rarity. What gives?" She whispered hoarsely. "I thought we done finished the adventure."

"That..." Rarity's eyes fluttered confusedly behind her mask. "...was my thought exactly."

"Hey!" Rainbow zipped little prismatic infinity symbols above her two friends. "Hey hey hey! Didja see when I knocked Two-Flanks around with hail stones and then fried him stupid?!" She grinned, her eyes wide and ecstatic. "Wasn't that frickin' awesome?"

"A nice touch, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said with a smile. "Not quite as suspenseful as I was hoping for, but a classic show you put on, nonetheless."

"I for one was actually enjoyin' myself right up to the end!" Applejack said, wiping the sweat from her brow. Her eyes narrowed as she panted, "I mean... it did end..." Her face scrunched up. "Right?"

"Oooh! Oooh!" Rainbow Dash pumped her hooves. "Secret extra chapter! Secret extra chapter! Huh?! Huh?!"

"Uhm..." Rarity fluffed her mane with a troubled expression. "I don't believe that there is supposed to be a 'secret chapter,' darling."

"Well, somethin' ain't right!" Applejack tied up her lasso with a shrug. "We must have missed somethin', cuz the fantasy ain't ending!"

"Maybe we blew the enchantment to smithereens with our awesomeness!" Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. "Huh? Huh?! Put 'er there, girl!"

"Rainbow, this ain't funny!" Applejack stomped her hoof with a frown. "I had fun n'all, but this story's gone on for far too long as it is. Honestly! I gotta pick up Apple Bloom from school and feed the hogs—all before sundown!" She turned around with a calm sigh. "Rarity...?"

"Already on it, dear." The unicorn materialized the dummy comic book back into view and flipped to the last page. "Let me see here. Hmmm..." Her eyes narrowed as her hoof ran across the brightly colored panels. "Yes... yes yes... 'Mistress Marevelous and Zapp heroically set forth to find their missing Power Pal...' Mmmmmhmmm... 'The Dazzling Duo of the Power Ponies fearlessly fought the garish gang—so forth and so on.' Yes yes..."

"Maybe, like, it's a plot twist?" Rainbow Dash perked up again. "Maybe Two-Flanks is secretly a changeling queen in disguise and we gotta battle her with a wicked cool mechsuit!"

Applejack glared across from Rarity at her. "Honestly, yer imagination scares me sometime."

"Don't blame me!" Rainbow folded her arms and frowned. "Blame the lemurs and their typewriters."

"Hmmmmmm..." Rarity squinted deeper at the pages. "'And with swift teamwork and unwavering intestinal fortitude, our hallowed heroes put an end to Two-Flanks silver shoe snatching sinfulness...'"

"Come on, Rarity, just get to the very end and find out what we missed so we can put an end to this dag-gummed tale."

"Hmmm. Oh! Why, there it is!" Rarity chuckled inwardly as she gestured at the page. "Honestly, what editor lets the artist print the text in yellow ink? Ahem." She tilted her nose up as she read. 'And so, overwhelmed with the heat of the moment, and pleased beyond recognition to be within the presence of her lover, Mistress Marevelous swooped Zapp up in her strong arms and kissed him passionately on the lips.' There! You see, girls? It's right there within... plain... sight..."

If only dust could gasp.

The resulting silence was all-permeating. Even the bubbling motions of the cauldron of molten metal had come to a screeching halt, as well as liquid silver could screech. The thugs stopped groaning in their violet cages, collectively staring wide-eyed at the three heroes, curious as to what caused the Power Ponies to suffer inexplicable, blatant paralysis.

"Uhm..." Applejack leaned closer like a collapsing mountain. "Rarity? Ya terribly mind readin' that last part again?"

"I... uh..." Rarity gulped, sweating river rapids. "DoIhaveto?" she squeaked in a little infant voice.

"We..." Rainbow Dash shoved her painterly head down, practically digging her muzzle through the ink-dotted print. "We kiss?!" her voice cracked a virgin decibel.

"That... erm..." Rarity bit her lip, her normally alabaster cheeks turning beet red. "That is most certifiably what it says here!"

"But I don't get it!" Rainbow wretched. "I mean, what in the flying feather is this all about, anyways?! What kind of a sick writer gets his jollies from having two platonic mares with nothing more in common than crime-fighting suddenly do the lip-lock tango?!"

"Well, you have to admit, you both are rather tomcoltish," Rarity said with a simpering expression.

Rainbow growled. "Rarity..."

Applejack snarled. "Rainbow..."

Rainbow looked up, blinking. "Applejack?" She flinched as the mare was suddenly barking in her face. "A-a-applejack! Jeez!"

"Yer a gul-durn stallion, Rainbow!" Applejack roared.

"What?! No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you sure as sugar are!" Applejack jabbed her angry hoof into the middle of the floating comic book. "It says here that you're a Celestia-forsaken colt in filly's clothing!"

"The hay are you going on about?!"

"Read it again, Rarity! Do it!"

"Ahem..." Hiding her trembles, Rarity's eyes bounced across the caption box, as did her lips. "'...Mistress Marevelous swooped Zapp up in her strong arms and kissed him passionately on the—'"

"See!" Applejack slapped the comic and pointed right at Rainbow's face. "What did I tell you?! You rolled a goddess-danged stallion, ya featherbrained varmint!"

"Pffft! You kidding me?!" Rainbow folded her forelimbs. "Zapp isn't a stallion! She's all mare!"

"Welllllll..." Rarity scratched her chin, squinting up and down Rainbow Dash's jumpsuit. "Those neutral colors you're wearing certainly do lack a degree of wanton elegance."

"Huh?!" Rainbow Dash double-taked. "What?!" She triple-taked. "Get out of town!" She pointed at herself. "Zapp?! A stallion?! I-I only picked Zapp because I thought it was the coolest of the Power Ponies!"

"Eheh..." Rarity folded the comic book up and fanned herself. "Perhaps it would have helped us to have read the pilot issue. Eheheheh—"

"Do you realize what you've set us up for?!" Applejack stomped her hooves. "Darn it, Rainbow Dash! When will you ever learn to pay attention?!"

"Hey, don't go blaming me, Miss Marevel Jr!" Rainbow Dash frowned. "If you remember, it was never my original choice to be Zapp in the first place! Spike's dream machine book of giggles and funtimes threw me into the role without my choice! And now I'm learning that he's a stallion—" Just then, the poor pegasus' eyes bulged, and she hovered in a fetal position. "W-wait..." Rainbow's voice whimpered in a wavering tone. "Wh-what is that supposed to even m-mean?"

"What it means, Rainbow, is that I'm already ten minutes late for pickin' up Apple Bloom and the only way out of this pulp fiction prison is to smack you on the blue lips!"

"Ewwww! No way no way no way!" Rainbow Dash face-hoofed, groaning into her forelimbs. "This isn't happeninnnnnnng!"

"Now now, just calm down, everypony," Rarity said, waving her forelimbs about. "Let us not get hasty. This is a very delicate situation and it should handled as such!"

"Don't you start!" Applejack grumbled. "Yer the one who told us that the fantasy's gotta follow the written narration to a T, or else the whole enchantment won't end!"

"Yes, but, all things considered, with this recent development—"

"Also..." Applejack blinked, lips pursed. "Didn't you mention somethin' earlier about havin' to finish stitchin' together some last minute skirts for Cocoa Pomegranate or so-n-such?"

"Gggkkkkt!" Just like that, Rarity's eyes bulged in opposite directions. She curled her hooves to her chin as she hissed in an off-key banshee voice: "Oh my Celestia! The dresses! I'll never live my reputation downnnn!" She spun in an alabaster twirl, losing her sweat-stained mask in the process. Milliseconds later, she had dragged Rainbow Dash down by the scruff of her leotard. "Rainbow Dash!" She shook the pegasus vigorously. "You must let Applejack prance kiss you! My career depends on it!"

"Whoah whoah whoah whoah—" Rainbow batted Rarity's pale hooves away. "I'm not kissing nopony!" She folded her arms and pouted. "Especially a best friend whom I hang out with all the time!"

"Not sure we have much of a choice here, sugarcube."

"It—but—that—how—poop?" Rainbow Dash shook her head furiously and frowned. "What's gotten into you two?! Is this the Red Horseshoe Diaries all of the sudden?!"

"We can't very well allow ourselves to be stuck here for eternity, Rainbow!" Rarity exclaimed.

"Well, there's gotta be some sort of other way!" Rainbow squawked. "How about one of those freaky-deaky code words or something?! Uhhhh... uhmmm..." She spun towards the ceiling and hollered, "Narratatron Stoppum! Uhhh... Storypedia Completara! Grrrr... Bullcrapus Finito!"

"None of those are going to work!" Rarity exclaimed.

"You know so?!" Rainbow Dash glared into the unicorn's face. "Or you don't know at all?" She spat, "Somepony could have done a bit more research here, Radiance."

"Ehhh heh heh heh..." Rarity sweated.

Applejack sighed. "Listen, Rainbow, I don't enjoy havin' to do this anymore than you do."

"You don't?" Rainbow spun towards her with sparkling eyes. She blinked, shook her head, and frowned. "I mean—Of course you don't! I-I don't either! It's total frickin' Awkward City! And I don't mean that one really wonky music group!"

"Rainbow, you're like a sister to me," Applejack said with a weak smile. "And I ain't about to make this a scene if you won't."

"I don't know what Equestria you're from, AJ. But the one from which I hail, sisters don't kiss!"

"Actually, I do believe 'Awkward City' is only one music artist—" Rarity quietly murmured.

"Rarity, shut up!"

"Okay, look, let's stop takin' it out on each other!" Applejack waved her forelimbs. "We ain't gettin' nowhere by standin' here and fussin' like a bunch of ruffled hens." After a deep, deep breath, she turned towards Rainbow Dash and beckoned with an outstretched hoof.

Rainbow Dash pouted. Folding her hooves, she turned around and floated higher.

"Rainbow... please, darlin'." Applejack beckoned and beckoned. "I promise, nopony outside the enchanted book will hear a peep. I ain't about to sully my best friend's awesome reputation."

Rarity watched quietly, pensively.

Rainbow's shoulders slumped. With a heavy sigh, she finally coiled her wings and dropped to the ground several feet away.

Applejack cleared her throat loudly.

With a stifled grumble, Rainbow side-stepped towards the heroically decked-out blonde. She stood an inch away, eyes locked towards the distance.

Applejack fidgeted awkwardly, brushing a hoof through her golden threads.

"Uhm..." Rarity gulped. "I hate to be a bother, but would you both terribly mind if you hurried it—?"

Like a darting humming bird, Rainbow twisted her head, pecked Applejack's lips, and then looked furiously away. Applejack stood stock still,eyes wide. She completely missed the feather-light gesture on account of an ironically timed blink.

"Uhm..." Rarity raised an eyebrow.

"Did that..." Applejack's eyes fluttered. "Did that do it?"

"Darn well better have." Rainbow raised her hooves towards the roof of the foundry. "Come on, you stupid fantasy! End!"

"Rainbow..." Rarity murmured.

"Enddddddd!"

"...Applejack." Rarity gulped. "I don't think... that's going to do it."

Applejack's features sunk. "No?"

"Oh come on!" Rainbow Dash snarled, her cheeks red. "I kissed her, didn't I?! What more does the book want from me?!"

"A lot more, evidently. Besides, from the way it's worded, I do believe the narration needs Applejack to initiate the gesture."

"Huh?" Applejack reeled. "Me?"

"What's more—and let me read it again..." Rarity opened the comic book once more. "'Mistress Marevelous swooped Zapp up in her strong arms and kissed him passionately on the lips.'" Rarity raised a hoof as she looked at the other two. "You noticed that? 'Passionately.' You see, the adverb's the key."

"Awwwwwwwww shucks." Applejack's ears drooped.

"You've gotta be kidding me! For real?!" Rainbow Dash waved her forelimbs at the book. "None of it makes any sense! Like—just what kind of a mare sweeps up a stallion like that, anyway?"

"This one, I reckon." Applejack yanked a hoof around Rainbow's neck and pulled her close. "Sorry, Rainbow, but I got a farm to work on."

Rainbow's lip quivered as she stammered, "A-A-A-Applej—?" And then her eyes crossed when her friend's muzzle engulfed her own. "Mmmmmm!"

"Mmmmmm-muah!" Four breathless seconds later, Applejack flashed a look over her shoulder while Rainbow sputtered. "Any progress?"

Rarity winced as she mutely mouthed a four-syllable word with intense scare quotes.

Applejack took a deep, deep breath. "This is endin' one way or another." She spun about, a wide-eyed Rainbow Dash draped in her forelimbs. "Pucker up, Sugarcube."

And then she plunged. Applejack dove, and the lake that caught her was the warm, moist gasp of Rainbow Dash's exhaling mouth. Their muzzles zig-zagged together like crooked cornerstones, stuck tighter than the steel girders of Canterlot's finest dirigibles. Eyes fluttered open and shut, nostrils flared as one, and righteous heat wafted against the mares' flouncing manes, carrying with it the musky, rapturous scent of tiny pony tongues locked in tiny pony tango. Rainbow's hooves slapped against Applejack's shoulders in protest—firmly at first—but growing more and more limp with each passing second that drained the muffled squeaks from the pegasus' tender throat, rippling tendrils of energy down the muscles of her back until her wings spread and spread like a delicate dewy flower on a spring morning. All the while, Applejack's arms folded tighter and tighter around her, like a velvety orange vice, giving the pegasus nowhere to escape, nowhere to fly to—except deeper and deeper into Applejack's lovingly invasive lips.

Rarity didn't realize she was fanning herself until she felt the rustle of the comic book's pages against her ears. She winced, shuffling back a step from the ridiculously smoking scene, and cleared her fragile little throat. "A-a-ahem."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmuah..." Applejack and Rainbow Dash parted ways, their thin eyes staring rosily across the hot, throbbing hemisphere. Even as the inches spread their fuzzy noses apart, a bridge of intimate connection lingered delicately between them, or maybe it was a saliva trail, or perhaps it was Heaven's Light.

The only thing that could shatter the silence of the moment was the bone-thin rattling of Rainbow's wings as they tried and tried to coil back to her sides, ultimately failing, which is what likely prompted the infantile mewling to emanate from Rainbow's throat.

"Applejack..." She squeaked, her eyes starry and tender. "I think... I-I think you just made me—"

"Rarityyyyy?" Applejack breathily hummed.

Rarity fought her flushing muscles to lean forward. "Erm... Yes, Applejack, darling?"

"Rarity..." Applejack stroked Rainbow's cheek. "Sugarcube..." She stared into her glossy, ruby eyes. "Darlin'..." The lines in her face grew hard. "Whyyyyyyyyy—" Snarling, she dropped Rainbow like a dead seal puppy and barked into the unicorn's face. "—are we still here?!?"

"Gaaaah!" Rainbow landed on her outstretched wings and proceeded to flail her hooves in the air like an overturned turtle.

"I-I don't know, Applejack!" Rarity hobbled backwards, hiding behind the book as she trembled and trembled harder. "You did everything that the narration asked you to! I swear!"

"Did I?!" Applejack growled, eyes flickering like little emerald torches. "Read the final caption! Read the final dag-blame'd caption in that there book!"

"Very well! Just allow me t-to flip to the right page!"

"You mean there's another page?!" Applejack growled.

"Uhm... g-guys? Seriously..." Rainbow Dash fussed and fussed, flustered. "I-I don't think I can get up!"

"Okay... uhm... right..." Rarity coughed and pointed at the final panel. "It says here: 'Mistress Marevelous and her undying love then took off in his dashing zeppelin which he rode in on, and the two eloped far away to experience a honeymoon of absolute bliss! The end!'"

"Awwww carn sarn it!" Applejack slapped her lasso down onto the ground. But then she stood still, blinking. "Uhhhh... Rarity...?"

"Y-Yes, Applejack?"

"Didja..." She squinted. "Didja say 'his dashing zeppelin?'"

"Why, yes. Yes I did."

"Uhm... Rare?" Rainbow Dash finally rolled upright, standing on wobbly knees as she still navigated an impermeable blush. "Zapp doesn't have a zeppelin."

"He doesn't?"

Rainbow shook her head. "Zapp is a pegasus. There's no need for a flying machine."

Rarity's jaw dropped.

Applejack leaned back. "Then what in tarnation—?"

KaPOWWW! All three ponies shrieked as the western wall of the foundry suddenly exploded, raining brick and mortar all over the caged thugs in the room. The ponies gawked, for—as the dust cleared—a tall and muscular stallion wearing a pilot's cap trotted briskly through the mess. The low-hovering gondola of a zeppelin loomed just beyond the fresh hole that the exploding cannon shells had made. He struck a pose beside a glowing cage, his cap's tassels blowing in some invisible, magic wind. He stroked his paper thin mustache and took a survey of the room, muscles rippling unnecessarily. At last, his deep chestnut eyes fell upon Applejack, and he gasped—heart all a'flutter.

"Mistress!" the stallion boomed in a deep voice. He trotted over, the fuzz on his chest slick with engine dust and sweat. "My beloved Marevelous! At last, I found you!" He reached for her gaping expression with two tender hooves. "After hours of searching, I can be in your arms again, my love!" His lips started to pucker.

"Gaaaah! Whoah there, lil' doggy!" Applejack shoved him away, grimacing. "Rarity?! Who in blazes is this?!"

"Why..." The stallion gasped, looking hurt. "...do you not know me, Mistress?!" He sniffled but stood tall to maintain his machismo. "Did the two-timing-Two-Flanks steal your memories away just like he kidnapped the most extravagant Radiance?"

"Memories of wh-what?"

"Why, it's me!" He grinned handsomely. "Zaff Flaks! Your long-lost lover! Remember? We first met when I crashed my zeppelin on Themarescera Isle! You were the only pony among the Amarezons who was compassionate enough to spare my life! We fled the Maneterranean Sea together and have been fighting the forces of evil across the globe ever since!"

"'Zaff... Flaks...?'" Applejack's jaw dropped. She slowly pivoted her head around to gawk at Rarity. As did Rainbow.

Rarity blinked. She flipped to the second-to-last page. She squinted, leaned forward, and rubbed the final panel with the edge of her snow-white hoof. Her ears drooped, and she gazed up with a nervous chuckle. "Oh ho ho ho ho... silly me!" A squeaky exhale. "There was a smudge on the paaaaage—haa ha haa haa haaaaaaaa...!"

Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth to the breaking point.

"I... guess th-that explains why there's such a handsome hunk of a stallion on the cover!" Rarity said between breathy chuckles. She hid her blushing face nervously behind the folded comic. "And... uhm... it sort of reminds wh-why I was so drawn to choose it as our adventure in the first place. Mmmmmm!" she squealed inwardly, staring at her shivering reflection in Applejack's burning eyes.

Meanwhile, the farm mare leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and took a deep, deep breath.

After a few seconds of silence, Zaff Flaks tossed his pilot's scarf over his shoulder and smirked. "Whelp, I'm sure glad our adventure is over with!" He stumbled forward, forelimbs outstretched. "Come give me a kiss, my love!"

An orange hoof slammed across his face. Smack!

"Oof!"

Author's Note

Originality isn't dead. It's simply been necro'd.