Dwindling Light

March 23rd 2014, 1:09 P.M.

Location Unknown

No… I’m…I’m not dead…why… The world slowed to a stop as my heart and mind fell into the depths of darkness. The world around was bright and sunny on the day of a funeral. My funeral.

“I’M NOT DEAD!” I screamed as loud as I could. No one turned around. I ran to the side of the preacher and kept yelling for them to stop. The preacher never turned to look at me or even heard me for a matter of fact. Everybody else kept mourning.

My mother, father, sister, and brother along with close friends sat in the front row of chairs. Michael and Tommy sat next to one another, for the first time not being at each others throats. My heart sunk even further at the sight.

I tried throwing up but only allowed myself to dry heave. I was screaming for them to hear me for what seemed like days on end but nothing I did got their attention.

“And now the last wills and testaments of the deceased.” The preacher announced as I tried to stop my weeping to hear him.

“Family, Friends, and Relatives. It seems my time has come if you’re hearing this. There’s not much I can say to salve your sadness nor to aid your mourning, I know this far too well. Know that I was happy when my time came and know that I lived a good life. Just as everyone, I had the chance to love and lose, laugh and mourn, be true to myself and to others.”

“The pain of loss can be great and it may never heal. For some it may and you will move on with your lives with not even a thought of who I was. I ask for you to be there for one another to make it through, that none of you take your own lives to try and be with me, that you all remember me and stay true to your path in life. The world is cruel and filled with blight so stand together as one. Unity is what will keep you together, such as perseverance, trust, respect, forgiveness, and peace.”

“Community is something to be embraced and not turned away because you’ve experienced your own pain of loss, as we all feel it differently. No ones loss is greater than another, never think such as it will lead you onto a path that will blame everything including yourself.”

“I pushed many of you away at times and for that I am truly sorry and I hate that I died with regret present in my mind and heart. I made promises to you that I can no longer keep and for that I will never be able to say it enough that I’m sorry.”

“To Michael, one day I know you will truly find your calling and that you will find love. Never doubt yourself for if you ever did, know that I always believed in you. You were like a little brother to me, and I will never be able to thank you enough for showing me the light at times when I needed it the most. Never lose who you are, your kindness and love are qualities to be admired by all. I love you little man, but this is goodbye.”

“To Tommy, I want to thank you for being there during the rough times in California and North Carolina. Michael may have been there in spirit but when I needed someone there to hold and to cry on, I could count on you. You showed me how to laugh again and be happy in the face of all that had come my way. Me and you were one in the same in many aspects, such that I called you my twin. Never lose your smile and make sure that you make everyone happy, they’ll need it to get through this. Love you as well Tommy.”

“To Steven, you were my one and only older brother. Not just by blood but by friendship as well. You showed me the way when my path was at its darkest and helped me through everything. You encouraged me in many ways even though you had your doubts, but your doubts were what made me strong. You may have done a lot of wrong but even still I looked up to you. No one’s perfect and no one ever will be, just remember that. You showed me what it meant to be who I was, that I should never try to be someone I’m not. My time has come and know that I don’t regret anything with you, that every waking moment was worth it seeing you happy.”

“To Alisa, my older sister. Out of everyone in this world, or previously in this world, you always had faith in me. I know we never really got along well at times and we would bicker and argue over inane stuff, but I cherish every single moment. When my heart was broken, you’d be the first one I’d tell. When I messed up, I’d come to you. You were MY older sister, my family. I regret that I never told you how much you meant to me, but maybe you know now. I love you Alisa and please stay strong and keep an eye on mom, she will need you.”

“To Dad. That day you walked into our lives, I expected you to be exactly the same as every other ‘father’ I had. You surprised me and showed me that you truly cared for my mom. You’re more than worthy to be with mom. You were the first REAL father that I had in my life. Your quirkiness is what makes you so dang fun to be around. You were strict when needed, you were the person I needed in my life to achieve greater things. Thank you dad, I owe a lot of what I did in my life to you. Please my mom will need you, never leave her side. I love you and for what it’s worth, I am sorry for anything I ever did to make you mad or otherwise.”

“And last but definitely not least, To Mom. First and foremost I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being my mother, thank you for never giving up on me even in my darkest moments, and thank you for loving me no matter what. It’s true I was a momma’s boy. I am crying as I write this because I know when you hear this that you’ll be of the few mothers who has had their own child die before them. I can never say sorry enough for making you have to go through this.”

“No mother should ever have to bury their child. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to be hurt. I wish I could hug you one last time and tell you that I love you. I wish I could spend one more day on earth just to say goodbye. Times will be hard, but I know you can pull through this. I have faith in you. Even now I’m looking over your shoulder and guiding you to something grand. This is goodbye mom, I love you.”

“To any other friends and family that may be present. You are loyal, kind, honest, and generous to of taken the time to attend this funeral. To all of you, know that I never regretted one moment with any of you except the ones where I made you disappointed in me. My time has come and past, such is the way of life. Know that I died with all of you in my mind and that without all of you I’d have been gone a long time ago and never remembered by anyone. Thank you for that.”

“I suppose I should say who gets what of my possessions but I feel that should be said in private. I’ve left another letter with this for those. On the outside is a list of names. Only one thing do I want to give openly, my dog-tag and friendship bracelet. Both of which were given to me by my greatest friends, Zachary and Jazmine. This will have a new addition, a wolf pendant. This necklace goes to Michael.”

“Please take care of it Michael and when your time does come, add to it and pass it to your child or to your younger brother such as I have done. Never forget me everyone. I have left one last story for reading in the chess set on my dresser. It is the story of my life.”

“Goodbye everyone one final time. Fac ut animae quietem in pace semper. Nolite flere super me, quia bene mihi erat cum. Valete.”

Never once in my life did I think I would be hearing that read out loud, especially at my own funeral. I could no longer weep, only stare at the ground with a hollow gaze. Why… the world around me was covered in a haze of black and my body felt hollow. Never have I felt so empty.