I hear the sound of my alarm watch buzzing and sigh. Half past five.
"Mondays..." I groan before raising my arm to knock that damn loud thing away from my nightstand. After the noise problem was taken care of, I lay a good five minutes on my bed, picking up my thoughts and trying to remember what I've dreamt. Something about dogs... and barbecues... no, that doesn't sound alright... ponies... yes, let's stick with that. Pooooniessss....
When I finally decide what dream of mine I'll tell my fellow bronies at school, I stretch out my body and hear the joints pleasantly snap. I moan in pleasure before allowing my limbs to fall limp on top of the bed, a little sore from the rude awakening. Turning my head, I look at my Rainbow Dash miniature that I got from one McDonald's Happy Meals. I smirk at how lazy they were when thinking about her tail patterns; the colors are clearly faded and the stuff they used to simulate a real tail's hair is rough to the touch.
With a large intake of breath, I get out of my bed and spot my yesterday's clothes on the floor. Looking at them for a moment or two, I shrug and dress myself with those, taking a careful sniff at the shirt's armpit to know if it's wearable.
After doing so, I open my bedroom door and walk towards the bathroom. Opening the handle at the sink, I allow both my hands to join under the stream of cold water, forming a small pool. I bring both hands back to my face and really wake up as the cold water sends a jolt of adrenaline through my running blood. Running a finger trough my eyes, I cleanse them from the dries rheum.
I open them and look at my reflection. My lips contort into a sly smile. "This shirt just got twenty percent cooler." I exclaim to my reflection, giving it a small wink, one which it slyly retributes.
I pick up my toothbrush, but then I instantly remember that I didn't have breakfast yet. So, putting it down, I leave the bathroom and lazily walk towards the kitchen, in hopes of finding a decent meal. Opening the fridge, I notice the still-sealed carton of milk and some eggs. I take those two items out and place them over the table, closing the fridge's door with my left foot as I do so. I find myself a ceramic bowl and pour a generous amount of milk in it.
"Now, let's see... cereal... cereal..."
I open one of the kitchen's cabinets and find an open box of Kelloggs' Froot Loops! and quickly snatch it, smiling to myself deviously; judging by the weight of the box, my brother probably ate most of it. I'm going to return him the favor by finishing the whole box.
I sit on my table and tumble the cereal box over the bowl containing milk. I eagerly await for the splashing sounds of those sugary "o"s against the milk... but they never come. I frown and tilt the box a little further, but still no cereal comes out. Frustrated, I turn the box upside-down over the bowl, the intent of winning every single ring of sugar-coated, artificially flavored and colored corn strong inside my mind.
I emit a loud "GAH!" when the only thing that comes out from the box are the small specks of powder from the cereals, the ones laying on the bottom. Getting up from my seat, I simply take the bowl over to the sink and turn it over, allowing the drain to swallow the white fluid.
"Ffffffuuuuuck...." I groan inaudibly as I look towards the table. The prospect of making scrambled eggs is not very appealing, but I resent and off to the frying pan I go.
A few moments later, I'm savoring the magnificent scent of those cooked eggs that lay before me. "A little short on pepper..." I mutter when I take the first bite; but edible nonetheless. After I finish eating those up, I fill my cup with water and drink it all up, cooling myself from the inside. Still feeling thirsty, I help myself to another cup, just to clumsily let the water slip off by the edge of the cup, landing on my priceless Rainbow Dash Awesome Assertive™ t-shirt.
I instantly voice my curse, only to allow a small amount of water to fall on my throat, making me gag and cough with the cup still in my hand and close to my face. The water that left my mouth and throat quickly splash against the glassy bottom of the cup, sending droplets of water in my direction. I'm hating this day already.
I set the cup over the counter and stand still to pick up my breath, coughing a few times in-between. I angrily look up to the ceiling, wanting to voice my opinions to God, but refrain from doing so by the fear of waking both my parents -- or worse -- my brother.
See, I don't hate the guy. But he can get on my nerves pretty quickly without even trying. I really, really don't want to go into that.
So, now with my RDAA™ shirt ruined, I walk back to my room in order to change it. I looked through all my shirts, but none of them featured at ponies. With a sigh, I slip into a clean dark-blue shirt and sit down upon the bed, to put my socks on and my sneakers. I can't help but imagine what would the ponies' opinion towards feet would be, I mean- those are pointy and hooves are just... round.
As I'm tying the knot on my sneakers, I feel my belly grumble and an oppressing force on my bowels.
"Aw, not now!" I say and quickly rush to the bathroom. I quickly shut the door and lock it before undoing my belt and lowering my pants. I quickly sit on the toilet and wait for a few moments. As I struggle with myself, I come to the conclusion that this won't do, I need something to distract myself; to avoid thinking about what I'm about to do. I quickly look on the bathroom's cabinets to look for anything to read; the shampoo and conditioner labels and compositions were getting dull.
My hands touch some magazines on the bottom of the cabinet. I randomly pull one out and stare at it. Playboy. Not the epitome of reading material, but it should do for the task at hand. I flip it open at a random page and my gaze fall on the many photoshopped images of naked models. Those seductive poses send a message to my brain, one that my body is eager to respond to... oh boy. I lick my thumb and turn a few more pages, looking at some more- Oh god, I think the page is sticky! And I put my finger on my mouth!
Resisting the urge to vomit, I flick a few pages forward, landing on some 'harmless' pages. There are a few discussions about which types of drink one should ask when "drinking with style"... I wonder what that actually means. Probably a guide on how to be like some five-popped-collars dude that is a douche to everyone in the party and ends up puking over himself.
As my interest in the text 'deepens', I can feel my intestines relieving themselves.
SPLASH
"Ahhhh..." I moan a bit, feeling the oppression on my belly lose its tight grip. I can't help but notice the bad smell coming from all around me, so I do the only thing any sane person would do; breathe through my mouth.
SPLASH
PHHBBHTTT
"Damn!" I exclaim while using my hand to disperse the flatulence away. I begin to immerse myself on the text once more, oblivious to the sudden changes in my bathroom. I don't know what exactly grasped my attention, but there, on the corner of my bathroom, a white ball of light which slowly increased in size formed itself. Sudden sparks of energy arched near it, connecting to the wall and the adjacent door. My heart raced and my intestines fully emptied themselves in the ivory ceramic seat.
As the white ball grew bigger and bigger, I began to fear for my life. I stand up from the seat and walk towards the corner of the bathroom, opposite to the white ball. The ominous ball lifted itself on the air for a moment before glimmering in a searing-white. I covered my eyes from the sudden light burst and thought that my life was forfeit. I only opened my eyes when I heard a familiar voice.
"Yes, Pinkie! I'm sure this is the right place. We've been through many humans' homes before this one. This is where we'll find the one destined to save Equestria." Twilight Sparkle said. I couldn't believe in my ears, so opened my eyes and there, before me, stood two ponies. One lavender unicorn and a pink, obnoxious earth pony.
My lips curl into a wide, toothy smile, but it slowly shrinks when I notice the ponies' expressions. Twilight Sparkle is looking directly at me, wide-eyed, whilst Pinkie Pie takes rhythmical whiffs at the air. I instantly blush and try to cover myself with the Playboy magazine that now stood over the bathroom floor.
"Oh, boy. It sure smells funny in here," Pinkie Pie said, much to my dismay, "it smells like Pumpkin and Pound Cake after they've... they've..." Pinkie trails off, her mind slowly bathing in realization. She quickly placed her hoof over her nose and gag at the smell. "My gosh, it smells worse than Ponyville after the parasprite invasion!"
"Twilight, Pinkie Pie!" I exclaim, trying to . "You're real! Oh man, I can't wait t-"
"What is that?" Twilight cuts me, pointing with her hoof to the magazine that was now laying with its contents open to the world on the bathroom floor.
"Oh... that, you see..." I tried to explain, looking down at my boner and blushing furiously, "I need something to distract me when-"
"Wait, you were CLOPPING?" Pinkie Pie exclaims, unable to comprehend the situation further, "while... doing it?!" Her next reaction is unexpected of me. She holds her stomach with both forehooves and vomits on the floor. Gagging and gasping for air in-between the surges of bile that spewed out from her mouth.
Twilight takes this opportunity to look at where she's in. Her eyes roll through the ceiling, the walls, the carpet on the floor... the toilet. Repressing a gag of her own, Twilight looks at my half-naked body as I try to cover myself with my hands. "I've seen enough. Come, Pinkie, let's get out of here."
"But Twi- Twilight, we," COUGH COUGH "Equestria!" COUGH "we could s- still visit more humans. I'm sure we'll find the," COUGH COUGH. Pinkie was unable to finish her phrase, as the coughing fits prompted Twilight to take the lead.
"No, Pinkie. I'd rather see Equestria burn than stay a minute longer in the presence of this disgusting ape." She says and places a comforting hoof on Pinkie's shoulder, glaring angrily at me all the while.
I extend my arm to reach them, my eyes almost tearing up, "please, don't..."
PHHBBHTTT BHTT PHBT
"... go."
Twilight's look of anger is replaced by one of disgust. She brings Pinkie next to her with her hoof. Her horn glimmers for a brief moment and, in a intense burst of light, they're gone, leaving behind the green pool of Pinkie's vomit. I look at the spot they occupied for a few moments, wishing that I could go back in time. My head droops as I fight the urge to cry in embarrassment.
This was written as a homage to all those brave humans that went to Equestria and never, not even once, visited the toilet. Because a life full of fun, happiness and adventures must really keep your bowels going. May their diverticulum-filled intestines rest in peace.
