A funny thing happened on the way to the throne room

by Kaelzoroden

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 11858

A series of Celestia shorts.

On the Density of Alicorn Skulls: A sharp blow to the head can do odd things to one's personality. This is particularly problematic if the victim in question is a widely respected leader of her people.
On the Classification of Divinity: In some other worlds where magic exists, the inhabitants have attempted to quantify the different levels of godhood. Unfortunately, it is not a perfect system, and the Princesses have never been ones to flaunt their absurd levels of power.

This is a series of unrelated one-shots focused around Celestia, who remains one of my favourite ponies. It's marked completed, since there won't be a continuing narrative going between all of the shorts. It will continue to see updates though, since I have plenty more ideas for the Princess!

Now available in Spanish!

Published 2014-02-23 04:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-23 18:52:04 UTC

On the Density of Alicorn Skulls

Celestia couldn't help but wonder if there was any problem that couldn't be made more manageable after a few slices of cake. In the centuries of her rule, the Royal Pâtissiers had passed down and meticulously refined several cake recipes, the end result being an array of desserts tuned precisely to the Solar Goddess' tastes. On the days where she allowed herself to have some (the Royal Waistline had to be maintained, after all) they were usually one of the major highlights.

Of course, Equestria didn't run itself, and Celestia was by this point quite used to multitasking. A slice of cake hovering in the air beside her, she walked on through the marble hallways of the palace, mouth full and eyes glued to her itinerary. Let's see, I'll need to keep the meetings with the petitioners brief if I'm to see to the trade meeting and the Royal Guards' drills- Her train of thought was interrupted as her horn connected painfully with something. Wincing and looking up, her eyes widened as she saw the scaffolding reaching high up to the vaulted ceiling, construction materials piled high on its many layers. I completely forgot about the repairs to the roof here! I should keep an eye on where I'm going. Stepping to the side, she made her way past the teetering structure, focus returning to her list.

Unseen to her, her collision had produced more of an effect than she had assumed. High atop the rickety looking structure, a pile of metal pipes shifted, causing one to slowly begin to slide forward off the edge of the scaffold. Too preoccupied with her cake and itinerary to hear the quiet sound of metal sliding over metal, Celestia was completely caught off guard as the heavy pipe fell a few stories to land end-first on the back of her head.

Cranial trauma is a curiously unpredictable thing, especially in cases where the head in question is simply too durable to crack like a melon. The metal pole succeeded in pile driving Celestia's skull into the marble floor hard enough that her jaw left an imprint on the hard stone. Her eyes had rolled almost completely back and one of her hind legs was twitching sporadically- one could almost hear the tweeting of the birds flying around her head. After a few moments of unconsciousness, her eyes fluttered and refocused, and she sat up with a groan, rubbing her head.

If any of her servants were around, they would likely have already noticed that something seemed off. Celestia normally had an almost motherly aura to her- one could almost feel her compassion radiating like heat from the sun. It suffused her words, her expressions, her posture and her movements.
Or it used to, at any rate.
The mare looking around at her surroundings now had a steely glint in her eye and her mouth was set in a hard line. Her shoulders, normally relaxed and at ease, were tense and squared, the posture of somepony ready for conflict. With a confused expression, she looked down at her regalia, her brow furrowing as she scrutinized the delicately wrought golden peytral and horseshoes. Scowling, she turned and looked up the corridor.

"Hark! Wherefore art Our servants? Thy Princess requires aid!" Almost snarling at her golden finery, she wasted little time in removing it and casting it aside as though it was little more than a foal's costume instead of ancient and enchanted relics. Leaving her crown but nothing else, she stormed off down the hallway. "Bring forth Our armour! 'Tis most unseemly for thy Ruler to go about thusly unprotected!"

The figure sitting on the Throne of the Sun bore little resemblance to the gentle creature the Nobility were used to. Her posture seemed closer to that of a Minotaur Warlord than a Pony Princess, as she leaned sideways in her throne, a foreleg resting on the raised side. Her armour, fished out of storage and cleaned with a wave of heat that would melt any normal metal, added a shocking amount of bulk to her already large form, making her look every bit the image of a mercenary chieftain from before the Unification of the Clans. As if all that weren't enough, a massive hammer sat next to her throne, the deep engravings on the head seeming to burn with an unnaturally slow and wispy white fire. The power of the thing was evident to any Unicorn in sight of it, and to any of the other ponies who happened to notice that it had heated the floor it was sitting on to a glowing red.

"Send in the next petitioner!" Gulping, an Earth pony of summer hues walked towards the throne, a shake in her hooves betraying her nerves.

"H-hello your highness, my name is Cottonwood, and thank you so much for taking the time to-"

"Prithee, cease thine pleasantries! What is it thou hast need of?" Cottonwood quailed under the booming voice of the Princess of the Sun.

"I r-represent the farmers from Appleoosa. It's been a very hot summer, a-and the ground is baked. We were hoping you could tone down the heat over us if you can and have the time but I don't want to be a bother and you're probably busy..."

Reaching over, Celestia gripped the massive hammer and raised it slightly before dropping it back down, making an echoing boom as the marble cracked under the ancient artifact.

"The Sun shall recede from your farms! Take heart noble peasant, and know that We shall handle this matter henceforth!" Cottonwood shuffled backwards awkwardly, not daring to come out of her deep bow, all the while muttering her thanks in a small and terrified voice. Celestia allowed herself a somewhat lopsided grin.

"Send in the next petitioner!"

If the Cottonwood had been nervous, the one behind her looked as though she were about to have a nervous breakdown. Her belly nearly on the floor as she slowly scootched forward, it was hard to say if she was too terrified to come out of a bow or too terrified for her legs to support her own weight. Possibly a bit of both. Celestia stared at her, one eyebrow raised.

"O-oh mighty Princess of the Sun, please, I ask you-" Celestia held up a hoof, looking around the throne room. Head up in the air, she sniffed, looking around curiously until her gaze settled on the pony in front of her. She looked at her with an expression of intense scrutiny, before igniting her horn and emitting a pulse of illusion-disrupting magic.

The sudden reveal of the Queen of the Changelings laying prostrate in front of Celestia distracted the nobility from the fact that several of them were suddenly revealed to be balding, several were in fact a bit heavier than they let on, and one was actually a completely different gender all together.

Chrysalis let out a terrified yelp before covering her head. She didn't have stores of power at the moment, and knew that she couldn't hope to match Celestia in a duel- and that was BEFORE the appearance of her armour and strange, giant hammer.

"OH FAUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Celestia had some dim memory of Changelings attacking Canterlot, but for the love of her could not place when it happened.

"Speak, Changeling, and let thy cause be known. Thou hath risked much coming before Us, and We would hear what thou has to say. If it is particularly good, We may even refrain from having you de-horned and wing-clipped." Celestia leaned forward. "We could use a good laugh."

Chrysalis, at this point, was suddenly enveloped by the calm that comes with knowing that one's doom is at hand and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. Her shoulders sagging but her shaking gone, she got to her hooves and looked at Celestia with resignation in her eyes.

"My kind are dying, Celestia. I come here today because we have no other choice." resolving to meet her fate with some dignity, she forced herself to hold her head high and look Celestia square in the eyes. "I will not apologize for what we did- it was necessary. There was no other way to keep all of my Changelings fed. There are... less of us now though." A brief flicker of grief crossed her face. So many less. "Less enough, perhaps, that we might, at your mercy, live alongside your Ponies."

There were several things that Chrysalis was bracing herself for- anything from a cold dismissal, the kind she might have received from the Princess circa five hundred years ago, to the warm let-down that seemed more likely of her modern behaviour. She did not, however, expect the sharp, barking laugh that she received. In shock, she watched Celestia get to her hooves and walk down the steps towards her.

"Thou dost raid Our city. Thou imprison and impersonate Our Ponies. Thou art a leech in everything but name, and thou wouldst beg mercy?" Celestia stormed forward until their noses were almost touching- they might have, if Chrysalis hadn't flinched back from the firestorm in her eyes. "The grief and pain that thou hath caused is both unforgettable and unforgivable. Thine ambitions would have left Ponykind as a slave race! A generation hath been traumatized- We know of the nervous glances that strangers in once-welcoming towns now receive. For all the ignoble and incorrect actions you have taken, why should We grant you anything other than Our wrath?" Chrysalis was trying to not cower before the fury in Celestia's voice, as the Alicorn's tirade had somehow mounted into an even louder crescendo as she had continued. She had no answer to the enraged sun-goddess, and her silence was the only response she could give. Celestia continued to stare at her intently, and when she next spoke, none of her anger was gone- but the volume had lessened.

"Thou hath come here utterly unrepentant for thy crimes. Were the clock to be turned back, thou wouldst no doubt act the same. Through it all though, all the horrors thou hast visited upon our Ponies were not done out of spite, but to provide for thine Changelings. The means thou used to pursue this end were all wrong, but thine intentions were laudable." Holding her gaze for a moment, Celestia turned and returned to her throne. After a moment of deliberation, she sat up straight.

"The Changelings shall not be pardoned for their crimes against Ponykind. Forgiveness for such acts shall not be given freely-" She looked down at Chrysalis, a calculating grin playing across her features. "-but it may, in time, be earned. The Changelings will be allowed to enter and reside in Equestria. They may not use their illusions to pass as anything that they are not- any Changeling found to be masquerading as any other creature with the intent of deception shall be summarily keelhauled on a sky barge. The same fate shall befall any Changeling who uses their abilities to manipulate, coerce or otherwise interfere with Ponies." She leaned forward, staring at Chrysalis with a cold flame in her eyes. "If thou wouldst live on love, thou must earn it justly. Let your Changelings learn to live as Ponies do, alongside Ponies. We would not absolve thee of thine actions, but if thy conduct and the conduct of thy Changelings proves acceptable, Equestria may come to accept thou and thine insectile ilk."

Chrysalis was moving her mouth, but no words were coming out. She wanted to thank Celestia, but she was still trying to wrap her head around what had just happened.

"Celestia, I-" She was interrupted by the thunderous sound of Celestia's hammer once more impacting the floor.

"Send in the next petitioner!"

The guard that hastily but respectfully entered Princess Luna's chambers was aware that the lunar diarch snored, but the volume caught him quite off guard- he was surprised that the windows weren't rattling. His attempts to call her name were utterly drowned out by her, and it wasn't until he was almost yelling in her ear that she finally responded. Sitting up with a start, she looked around frantically for a moment before remembering to remove her sleeping mask. Her flowing mane had partially come out of its tied back ponytail while she slept, somehow leaving it a frizzy ethereal disaster. Blinking the sleep out of her eyes, she turned to her guard and tried to gather all the regality she could muster in her half-asleep state.

"Whuzza-huh?" To the guard's credit, he recovered relatively quickly from seeing the Princess in such a dishevelled state.

"It's your sister. She's acting strange, wearing armour and talking like- well, like you did when you first came back! Volume and everything!" Hearing this news, Luna found herself waking up rather quickly. Her brow furrowed in concern.

"We were afraid something like this could happen. Fortunately, we- ahem, I have formulated a completely infallible contingency plan." Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself for what needed to be done. "Fetch the Royal Pâtissier."

Her time for visiting with the petitioners having been completed, Celestia moved on to the next item on the itinerary that she did not remember writing: the trade meeting. As she approached the conference room where several delegates from other nations were waiting, an aide refreshed her on the situation: It was the annual summit to revisit several rather major trade agreements between many of the major nations of Equus. As Griffonia had hosted it last year, it was now Equestria's turn. A brief skim of the current terms of Equestria's agreements left Celestia wondering how they had ever allowed themselves to wind up in such a clearly unfavourable situation- the goods that they were trading were subject to some of the most ridiculous tariffs and restrictions she had ever heard of, and what should have been an incredibly prosperous deal had been reduced to a barely profitable trickle. She had quite firmly resolved to do something about that. Chrysalis was, at Celestia's request, accompanying her- the Changelings were a sizable new addition to the population of Equestria, and Celestia believed that the presence of their Queen could be a useful tool at the upcoming meeting.

She didn't wait to be announced before entering the conference room. She didn't even open the door gently, instead giving it a telekinetic flick that knocked it wide open with a resonating crash that silenced the idle small-talk from within. Ignoring the questioning and worried looks at her armour, she marched to the head of the table and sat down heavily. Chrysalis quietly came in after her, and meekly sat down on her left.

"We have come to discuss and correct these laughable treaties. We will not allow the riches of Equestria to be plundered by common brigands." She slowly dragged her gaze across those assembled before her, silently daring any of them to speak back to her. Though several mouths hung open, no responses were forthcoming.

"We would review first the outrageous taxation on iron being shipped to the Minotaur Principalities." She rounded on the Minotaur ambassador. "Thou knoweth fully that Equestrian iron is not only more pure than the ferrous grit mined from your mountains, but more receptive to enchantments as well. Thy principle use of Iron is in the crafting of weapons and armour, things which require the highest quality metals and the most robust enchantments. Thine options are thus simple: Either waive these ludicrous tariffs, or stop receiving Equestrian iron." She leaned forward, resting her jaw on her hooves. "We are curious to see what thine mercenary bands would think of having to make due with sub-par weapons and lacklustre armour. Looking at the lands under Minotaur control, the available options would be to mine ore from ancient, depleted mountains or the ocean floor between islands. What, then, wouldst thou prefer? Impure rubble, more granite than iron? Rusted garbage good for little more than slag? Or pure, Equestrian ore, some of the most magically receptive metal in the world?" She leaned back in her chair. "We trust thou will make the correct decision, and give Equestria it's due." The Minotaur ambassador opened his mouth to reply, but was silenced by the raising of an armoured hoof.

"We would next address the Griffon Kingdoms. There has been unfair dealings on both sides, for which We would apologize and correct. Our limitations on the import of Soarwood serves none but the sole Equestrian conglomerate capable of producing such materials. While profitable for them, this limitation is harmful to Equestria as a whole as it hugely restricts the number of airships we are capable of building. We would lift these limitations if thou, in turn, lift thy limitations on the import of Equestrian foodstuffs. We are well aware of the pride and fortunes of the few Griffon farming guilds, but We are also aware that thou skirt the borders of famine. Thy lands are not well suited to grazing, and the amount of livestock thou are capable of supporting falls far short of demand. Equestrian grain can more than make up this deficit, if thou wouldst but trade at a reasonable price. Are thou willing, then, to remove the limitations on both our sides? Equestria and Griffonia can both usher in a new age of prosperity, and all that is needed of thou is a signature."

The Griffon ambassador, just as blindsided as the Minotaur one, numbly nodded his head.

"Good. Lastly, We would address the Ibex Emirates." Her gaze settled on the long-horned visage of the ambassador of the Goats. To the shock and moderate horror of most assembled, a snarl crossed her features. The ambassador flinched back for a moment, before squaring his shoulders and raising his jaw.

"How dare you. How DARE you! Equestria served as the refuge of thine entire species for a hundred years, and thou wouldst round on us and attempt to bring us to ruin! But thou wouldst not bring armies, no, no..." Celestia rose up, stomping a hoof on the table and shaking it dangerously. "Armies are the weapons of honest foes who would admit to wishing ill upon Us. Armies are what We would expect should we go to war with the Minotaurs, the Griffons, the Dragons, any of the cultures with an ounce of decency! But thine battles would not be fought with steel and blood, thou would fight thine battles with bureaucracy and coin! Do you think Us blind?" There were a few muffled gasps as the Solar Diarch hopped up, standing on the table and marching towards the Goat ambassador. "Do thou think Us to be a foal? The laundry list of restrictions and taxes that thou hast imposed is nothing short of an attempt at daylight robbery! Thy lands are rich, yes, but if thou wouldst seek to do trade with Equestria, than thou should make thine terms rational! We would be more than willing to sever all trade with the Emirates if basic courtesy and respect should prove too high a demand! There is not a single commodity that we ship that thou doth not tax to unprofitability, and not a single commodity that we import that thou doth not charge absurd fees for!" she was, at this point, shouting in the ambassador's face. "Thou art a fool if thou think we need lamp oil so desperately that we would pay the costs thou demand! The spices thou doth export are used in precious few foods, and if thou think for a MOMENT to bring up the grace period that We allowed for the Emirates to become self-sufficient, We would remind thou that that took place over SIX CENTURIES AGO! If thou are not self-sufficient by now..." the anger in her voice was more than clear, and it was obvious that her face was making a valiant effort to find the next stage after 'snarl', "Then perhaps thine entire race should return to being slaves to the Griffons. We are sure that, were it required, Equestria could make a fine profit rounding up thy traitorous race and returning them to those who were once their masters."

She didn't bother to note that the Griffon ambassador seemed horrified to be dragged in to the this aspect of the debate.

"We would suggest that thou get thine act together and draw up some treaties that show Equestria the respect it is due. Barring that, We would suggest that thou brace thyselves for a rather vengeful embargo-" a completely joyless smile spread across her face, "an embargo that We would be all too thrilled to bring about, given thine coercive history. We will give thee a two-week period from today to bring forward new trade terms. Should thou bring nothing, we shall cease all trade with the Emirates. Should thou bring terms that smack of the same disrespect that thou hath shown us for centuries, We shall ensure that the Emirates are economically crippled for generations to come." She stood tall on the creaking table, her armour, poise and intensity more than negating the awkwardness that might have been created from her standing on the furniture. "We would say that we trust thee to make the correct decision, but given thine history we honestly don't. We would, however, be rather thrilled if thou proved Us wrong." She turned, and with a flick of her tail returned to her seat, hopping down with more grace than most others could have managed while wearing that much armour. In the deafening silence that followed, she shuffled some of her notes.

"To the ambassadors from Zebrica and the Diamond Dog Republic, we have no objections. We deem the treaties we currently hold with thee to be fair and equitable, and would be quite happy to see them maintained as they are for another year. Thou hath proved reasonable and honest in the past, and We would trust that thou would continue that trend into the future, in the interest of the prosperity of all of our nations."

Celestia shuffled her papers in the ensuing silence, aligning them and laying them orderly against the table.

"Worth noting is that the Changeling Monarchy is now under Equestrian protection, and would be categorized as a dependant. We understand that the Badlands have fewer material goods than Equestria, but we would advise those assembled here to visit the same respect upon the Queen of the Changelings as thou wouldst upon this Princess of Equestria. Should thou not, there will be repercussions." Laying the now-aligned papers in front of her, Celestia stood up. "That is all We have to say. In the curious event that any of those present would have any objections to bring before us, thou may visit us during our regular peitioning hours to make thy case be known. I trust that those present are mature enough to handle the debates between thyselves in Our absence." Standing up, Celestia looked around at the assembled ambassadors, most of whom were trying not to cower in their seats. "We bid thee good day. We have other matters to attend to, and trust that the remaining issues can be worked out between thyselves." Head held high, Celestia trotted out of the conference room, leaving an extraordinarily nervous Chrysalis and an astoundingly cowed group of ambassadors.

Flaky Crust was the latest in a long line of Royal Pâtissiers. If there had been an ancestor of his that had not been a baker, they must have lived before the Unification of the Tribes and the beginning of proper record keeping. He, like his mother and the rest of his ancestors before him, were exceedingly skilled with the workings of the oven, the pan and the rising of dough. Today, he was faced with the duty that had been entrusted to his line- the restoration of the Princess of the Rising Dawn, She who Holds the Star Above. It was a sombre duty, one that would most likely see him stripped of his position before the day was out. He didn't enjoy his fate, but he accepted it with the calm detachment that the Royal Pâtissiers had been known for for generations. When Luna had come to him and told him to ready his stoutest cake tin, he had understood the true meaning of her orders. Though few could tell with his unflinching facade, he was deeply shaken by the need to perform this most important duty. With a heavy heart, he set about preparing for that which his line was bred for, the dark duty that the Royal Pâtissiers had been sworn to since time immemorial.

"Again! Faster!"

The Royal Guards were still unsure what they were dealing with. It was common knowledge that today was Inspection Day, and to that end they had all fastidiously cleaned their armour and practised their sharp salutes. None of them had expected to be called into the sparring ring against their Princess however, and fewer still had expected to be as handily defeated as foals before a trained swordsmare.

For the last half hour, Celestia had been calling them forth one at a time and briefly duelling them. She had opened by stating that anypony who should land a blow against her would be immediately promoted, and then wading into the combat with her massive hammer clutched in her telekinetic grasp. The first few guards had been afraid to actually attack her, and their reluctance had left them covered in bruises and in once case a fractured jaw. Those currently standing against her were desperately trying to protect themselves, so far out of their league that they weren't even trying to launch an offensive.

The current opponent was fighting in the traditional Unicorn style of three levitating swords. Against most foes, this would provide enough offence to keep an opponent reeling, barely able to defend themselves, let alone counter attack. Against the Mistress of the Sun however, such tactics were old hat.

"Thou dost fight well! Hast thou reviewed Lady Twilight's study on blade arts? Thou might find her thesis on bladed rings to be most insightful!" Her hammer spun forward, the haft catching one blade while the head of the weapon knocked another one free of the unicorn's telekinetic grasp. "For now though, We bid thee a fair sleep, and a wish that thou recovers quickly!" With the odd movements indicative of the re-allocation of mass, the Princess's hammer swung in an unusually sharp arc to crack the side of the soldier's head. He fell like a sack of potatoes to the ground, out cold. "Who is next? The inspections are not yet over!"

"I am next, sister!"

Luna stepped towards her sister from the sidelines, drawing the attention of Celestia and the conscious remainder of the Royal Guard. Her weapons were two dimly glowing short swords, held facing towards herself in a strange style not seen in countless years. "I see that you have remembered the strength of your past! I wonder though, how would you fare against one who is still familiar with it?" For all her efforts, Luna was unable to keep some of the formality out of her voice. Next to her sister though, she seemed positively modern. Celestia's face split into a wild grin as she widened her stance, her forelegs moving apart until her horn was pointed straight at Luna while Her hammer thrummed with power.

"It is good to see thee, sister! Perhaps thou may show the guard what is required to stand against one of us! Faust knows they could use a lesson in what violence actually is!" Not waiting for any signal, Celestia charged forward. Her hammer arced through the air in an downwards arc, leaving a trail of glowing white plasma. Luna reeled back, deflecting the blow with the hilt of both her swords as the contact sent sparks flying. She didn't try to hold the impact though, instead letting the force of Celestia's blow spin her blades around like a pair of buzz saws and almost catching Celestia in the face. The elder Alicorn hastily reversed her assault, switching quickly to the defensive as she closely avoided her sister's blades. "We see thy skills have not diminished! We wonder though, how thou might fare against a less direct attack..."

Rearing up, Celestia raised Her hammer before bringing it to the ground in a thunderous blow. Energy arced through the ground, fracturing the cobblestones in a line towards Luna before erupting around her in an earth-shattering show of force. The energy involved would be enough to shatter almost any shield spell and still be able to reduce flesh into soup, but as the dust cleared Luna remained standing there cloaked in a pearlescent shield.

"Sister, I have no wish to harm you. Please calm yourself and cease your attacks so that we might talk- I have important matters that need your attention!" Celestia let out a rakish laugh.

"Prove thy sincerity, sister! If thy cause is so important, then best Us in combat! It is unlike thee to hold so long on the defensive- that was always Our gambit! If We were the shield of Equestria, thou wert it's sword!" Her hammer swung forward time and time again, each blow either blocked or avoided by Luna. "Where is the steely wrath of the moon? Wherefore art the barbs and blades that thou once brought to bear? Surely thou hath not forgotten the arts that thou created!" Her hammer slammed forward, stopped barely an inch before Luna's face as the younger Alicorn's swords caught the ancient weapon. The struggle was clear, the tools of war they wielded shaking back and forth as both poured their will into their telekinesis. "Thou once fought Us to a standstill, sister! The world has barely healed from where thine sorrow clashed against Us! We know that thou hath greater strength than what you are showing here!" She leaned forward, Her face close to Luna's as their weapons sparked against each other. "So where then is the wrath of the Nightbringer?" She was clearly still in the middle of waxing poetic, when Luna suddenly broke into a beatific smile.

"Right behind you, sister."

When Celestia woke up, it was with a throbbing headache. She remembered walking through the palace halls and reviewing her daily itinerary, but then... nothing. With a start, she remembered that she had some very important appointments today, and could hardly afford to be sleeping. Climbing to her hooves, she groaned as a wave of vertigo hit her, swirling around her headache and leaving her a little nauseous. It felt like her legs were as heavy as iron, and her body seemed to weigh a ton- the simple act of standing took far more effort than it should have. She let out a rather un-princess-like yelp as she looked down and realized that in place of her regalia, she was wearing the armour she had used before the Unification of the Tribes. It was forged of what modern scholars referred to as Olde Iron, a strange alloy from the ancient world that defied all efforts of re-invention. Nearly impenetrable, the only thing that Celestia cared to remember about it just now was that it was excruciatingly heavy. Just as puzzling was the presence of her old hammer laying near her head- the one she had created during the period where she had experimented with tying the power of the sun to inanimate objects. How it got out of storage she had no idea, it was supposed to be under high security, barely under that of the Elements of Harmony themselves, before they had been returned to the tree. Looking around, she started to take in her surroundings with eyes that were having a hard time focusing.

Alright, Luna was standing in front of her, also wearing ancient armour and looking fairly concerned.

That was odd, the Royal Guard was present, and they looked either terrified or injured. She wasn't supposed to be seeing them until later in the day.

Most inexplicably, the Royal Pâtissier Flaky Crust was standing there, looking proud yet resigned. At his feet seemed to be a cast iron cake tin with an imprint of... she wasn't honestly sure, but it looked like the back of a pony's head. Why on Equus would the Royal Pâtissier have a pan in that shape? She was quite certain she had never had a cake in that shape before. It wasn't a normal shape either, it wasn't round enough to be the head of one of her subjects. It was larger and more narrow in proportion, looking more like...

"Luna, did the Royal Pâtissier just hit me in the back of the head with a cast iron pan?"

She watched as Luna's posture relaxed almost immediately, her horn glowing as she banished her pthalo blue armour.

"I am sorry sister, but you must have suffered a blow to the head earlier. You were acting like you were the same pony you were back during the Bad Old Days." Celestia's eyes widened.

"Oh no, I hope I didn't injure anypony! Is everything alright? What did I do?" There was a moment of silence as Luna's face became a display of internal conflict. After a rather awkward moment, she spoke back up.

"Well, you apparently accepted the Changelings as an indentured people, you revolutionized Equestria's trade agreements in a way that looks like it will bring us unparalleled wealth, and you seem to have quite thoroughly roughed up your guard." Celestia became acutely aware of the groaning of the soldiers who were beginning to regain consciousness. "Fortunately, I was able to hold your attention long enough that Flaky Crust was able to hit you with the Solar Cake Tin."

Celestia looked down at the cake tin in question, a quite thoroughly nonmagical object that was really only remarkable due to its startling thickness- it was as though a cast iron pot had gone through a mid-life crises and decided to become a baking implement. At least, that HAD been its only remarkable quality, there was quite a good chance now that it had a dent in the shape of the back of her head that some overzealous pony would buy it and keep it as some form of sacred relic. Turning to face Flaky Crust, she tried to stop her head from spinning and seem as majestic as she usually did.

"Flaky Crust, today you have committed assault against one of the Princesses of Equestria-" she smiled internally as she saw his composure crack. "but you did so in the best interest of Equestria and her ponies. For this, I and Equestria thank you. I would gladly grant you a boon as reward for this service. Noble title, land, please, ask what you wish."

Flaky Crust had honestly been expecting banishment at worst, and a reprimand at best. A reward was far enough out of his expectations that he wasn't really prepared to deal with it. After a moment of confused shuffling in place, he found his voice.

"Well, I'm going to need a new Solar Cake Tin, and I suppose I wouldn't mind if we got our flour shipments twice a week rather than once a week- we often run low by Tuesday." Celestia blinked at him, trying to comprehend the fact that he was choosing to use his Royal Boon for kitchen supplies for his job. After a moment, she let out a melodic laugh, the kind her subjects knew and associated with her.

"Why certainly my little pony! I will personally make sure that you never run short of supplies again! In fact, I may even-"

She had missed the guard behind her waking up. The guard waking up behind her had missed the recent events. Celestia missed the crunch of gravel behind her as the guard sprung into a ferocious ambush, the back of his sword cracking her in the temple. She rose a moment later with fire in her eyes and a smile on her face.

"Underhanded trickery! We applaud thee, but wonder how thou might fare when faced with Our full attention!" With a surge of power, Her hammer once more flew to her side.

Luna sighed. It was going to be a long, long day.

Author's Note

This sat at 900 words for like a month, then I sat down and banged out the other five and a half thousand words or so in one day. If you see errors, let me know!

On the Classification of Divinity

The portal closed behind the Elven mages. Felruas, high diplomancer to the Elven Court, let out a sigh of relief as the familiar sensations of his reality washed back over him. Rolling his shoulders, he walked forward off the raised dias used as a portal focus.

"I must say, as entertaining as I find that "Equestria" world, it feels good to be home." Striding forward, he smiled at his surroundings. None of the twisted branches of their Wood Elf cousins, the architecture here was vaulted stone ceilings and gossamer filigree. The High Elven style struck an odd, almost otherworldly blend between elegance and austerity. Through these echoing halls Felruas walked, while several attendants caught up to him and began giving him further reports on this new world they had found- along with the two rather interesting subjects they had found within. A smile crossed his face as he saw... he was still unsure of the man's name. He was some manner of senior theologist, and he- Hanelin! Hanelin was the mans name! Hanelin was a theologist of some skill, studying the divine as though it were a science. He had been marvellously helpful in the study of the so called "Princesses" of Equestria, systematically cataloguing and analyzing each supposed act of divinity that had been attributed to any of them. With some glee, Felruas remembered that his final report was to be completed today- and sure enough, Hanelin clutched a scroll as he approached.

"Good news, high diplomancer! I've completed all the calculations, and the Princesses of Equestria seem to range somewhere between Divine Ranks 2-4, well within the demigod range! They are powerful, yes, but they can be defeated! Apparently, not too long ago the elder Princess was actually bested in magical combat during an assault on her own capital!" Hanelin beamed as he revealed his findings. "I expect that, as long as we don't tip our hand too early, the invasion should be extraordinarily easy. I believe that the only reason this 'Equestria' hasn't already been sacked and conquered is due to the fairly extensive mythos that the Princesses have built up around themselves, making their foes believe them to be vastly more powerful than they actually are." Felruas smiled broadly.

"Well done! Take your findings to the war council, we will see what plans they can come up with." Felruas stopped, turning to fully face Hanelin. "If all goes well, we shall hold Canterlot before the week is out, and the rest of Equestria within the month." Resuming his walk, he took a moment to enjoy the feeling of fate coming together as Hanelin hurried off. From all the reports, Equestria had a token military, an utter lack of combat experience, and two creatures posing as Gods who would barely slow the advance of the High Elven war effort. News this good, Felruas decided, called for a celebrations.

"Could somebody fetch me a drink? Something expensive!"

Celestia was looking forward to these little visits; the High Elven diplomat Felruas was always so charming and polite. From what she had learned of the world the Elves came from, it was a miracle that they were as well mannered and generous as they were- there seemed to be so much unnecessary war and horror in their world. Since the initial meeting between their worlds, Celestia and Luna both had agreed to a twice-weekly sit down with the Elven diplomat, so that each party could better understand the other. She knew that Luna had something that she was looking forward to showing off this time, she recognized the spring in her sister's step. She had to suppress a giggle, with the probing questions that Felruas had been asking about Lulu during the last meeting, it seemed to Celestia that the Elf might have some manner of crush on the Lunar Princess. It was, in her royal opinion, just too darned cute the way he was nervous to ask Luna such things himself! What her favourite foods were, if she tended to be up at the same time Celestia was, what the hours of Night Court were, and so on. The way Luna was acting, she wondered if perhaps her little sister had picked up on it as well.

With a serene smile on her face, she trotted out onto the relatively small but richly appointed balcony that these visits always began on. It offered a stunning view of the Equestrian countryside, and it was located near a relatively central juncture of corridors of the palace, meaning that it was quite easy to show Felruas around whenever he had questions about something. First things first however, such meetings normally began with a light brunch. Sure enough, the castle kitchens had deposited several covered dining trays on the table, likely as not containing enough food all together to feed a small army. What caught her attention though was the large cake sitting on the table, and the openly smiling Felruas standing next to it.

"Princesses! Oh, how I missed your radiant faces! Honestly, every time I visit it gets harder to go back home. Please, come, sit with me!" He would have pulled out their chairs for them, but the two Princesses didn't actually use chairs- they were large enough that they simply sat in front of the table. Felruas waited for them to be seated first before sitting himself down, however- it was the gentlemanly thing to do. "I hope you don't mind, but I had some of our cooks prepare a cake as a gift. I wanted to thank you both for how open you've been with us this entire time, and I have it on good authority that the both of you are connoisseurs of baked goods. It's hard to compare to your Equestrian cuisine of course, but I do hope you find it at least somewhat palatable." At least, palatable enough to swallow, and ingest the cornucopia of poisons in it. He watched as Celestia's face lit up like the sunrise.

"Felruas, you're too kind! I know I need to be watching what I eat a bit more, but just one slice can't hurt..." with a guilty grin on her face (today wasn't supposed to be a cake day! The Royal Dietitian was going to be LIVID!) She broke off a perfectly triangular slice with her telekinesis, floated it over and took a dainty bite. After chewing for a moment, her eyes went wide and she gulped the mouthful down. "This is quite extraordinary! Luna, you have to try this!" She took another, less dainty bite, munching with gusto. She barely remembered to swallow before talking. "What is in this icing? It's fantastic! It's got a tangy edge that I can't quite place..." Felruas beamed, clearly pleased that Celestia was enjoying it so much. It was only a moment later that he noticed the odd face Luna was making. His smile didn't falter.

"We are not sure, sister. The icing is pleasantly tangy, yes, but there is a bitter note to the cake itself that We find slightly jarring." Luna smacked her lips, mulling the taste over. After a moment, she shrugged and took another bite, not bothering to swallow before talking again. "I suppose it's a cultural difference. It's not bad, really..." she swallowed. "just not what We are used to." Not slowing down, she shovelled in another mouthful of cake. All the while, Felruas was jumping for joy internally. He had personally ensured that every poison known to Elvenkind was present in that cake- it was arguably the most toxic object that his kind had created in hundreds of years. At least two of the bakers involved had been found stone dead, with purple skin and froth around their mouth and eyes. He was quite morbidly curious to see what the effects would be on the two Princesses.

It caught his attention immediately when Luna began to cough. Ah, that must be the arsenic. The cough quickly devolved into a hacking wheeze, and Celestia watched with moderate concern as Luna leaned sideways, one hoof remaining on the table while the rest of her leaned below the level of it. After a few moments the coughing stopped, and a blushing Luna sat back up straight, wiping her mouth with her foreleg.

"W-we apologize for that, and are reminded why We should not talk and eat at the same time. Something 'went down the wrong pipe', as the saying goes." Celestia smiled and swallowed her current bite of cake.

"There is a reason why table manners were invented, Lulu. It's not only impolite to talk with your mouth full, but also unhealthy." She looked over at Felruas, and was confused for a moment by the strange expression on his face. After a second, her eyes went wide. "Oh, how rude of us! Felruas, would you care for a slice? It's quite delicious, it would be impolite for us to stuff our faces while you simply watch!" Felruas looked at her, his expression looking for all the world that of a rabbit caught in the headlights. It took him a moment to respond.

"Oh, I appreciate it, but the cake is a gift! I ate more than my fill while the cooks were preparing it- had to make sure that they got the dough just right, after all!" He really, really hoped that his smile didn't look as forced as it felt. How in blazes are they still alive!? Just touching that cake without gloves should be lethal within a minute, let alone eating it! Even for Demigods, there's no way that they can't be feeling anything! He was distantly aware that his mouth, now on well-trained autopilot, was making idle small talk over food. He watched, in stunned horror, as both Princesses periodically had 'just one more slice' every now and then between sampling the other morsels laid out for brunch. Eventually he became aware that his mouth was hanging open as he watched Luna polish off the last slice of the cake.

"You know, We weren't a fan at first, but it's a taste that grows on you. We must admit that our first impression of this delightful cake was less than stellar, but now We sincerely hope that we might bother your chefs for the recipe at some point." She smiled at him, raising an eyebrow when he pointed at her with a slightly shaking hand. She was confused until she felt an elbow from Celestia.

"Sister dear, you have some icing on your face." Luna's eyes went wide and she nearly dove for her napkin, wiping off the errant glob of oddly tangy topping. Sheepishly, she looked back up.

"A-anyway, We actually had something to show you this time, Felruas. Something We think you might quite enjoy." Celestia watched her sister with a puckish grin. "Last week, you were curious about Equestria's military heritage? Well, We admit we were not entirely forthcoming with that." Luna smiled as she saw a look of hungering curiosity cross Felruas' face.

"Oh? I am all ears, Princess. The history of your military seems quite fascinating, that such a relatively small force has managed to defend the borders of your great nation for so long." Internally, he was wracking his brain. This could be a stumbling block for the invasion, but what could they possibly have? Arcane superweapon? No, likely no need, they are widely believed to be living arcane superweapons. A highly trained secret service? Unlikely, I doubt they would be revealing that even to me just yet. Think, think, think!" Luna was nearly bouncing in place as she talked, though whether that was from excitement or the sugar contained in half of an extremely poisoned cake was impossible to tell.

"The truth is that We did not bring it up because we were no longer sure of its exact location- the entrance had been sealed and built over during Our banishment. We found it though!" Celestia was beginning to put two and two together, and she looked at her sister with some concern.

"Luna, you don't mean..."

"Yes, We do! We finally found them again! The Crypts of the Annular Legion!" Celestia resisted the urge to facehoof. Little Lulu had a potentially interested Gentleman visitor, and she was going to show him around an ancient condemned tomb. She was glad Cadance wasn't here for this, the Alicorn of Love would have an aneurysm if she saw Luna shooting her chances like this.

"It was not easy to find, and harder still to gain access. Our persistence paid off though, and we will soon have the Crypts restored to their former glory!" Luna led the way through the darkened tunnel, her horn acting as one of the two sole lights in the darkness. The other light, belonging to Celestia, periodically swung back and forth as the elder sister looked around and got hit by wave after wave of memories. Running through the darkness, the knowledge the shadows hid nothing only making things worse.

"Luna, did you ever look up why the Crypts were sealed off?" A howling wind in a sealed room, faces flitting at the edge of vision.

"Of course We did! Some matter of mass possession and a resulting loss of control. In all honesty though Celestia, had We been there alongside you things never would have gotten out of hand. We are back now, and the Crypts deserve to be reopened." Celestia looked uneasy.

"I'm just not sure if this is a good idea Luna. Our ponies don't even remember the old stories about this place, there's no telling how they will react." A shapeless mass that could never be directly looked at, no matter how quickly ones head turned or ones eyes moved.

If Celestia was uneasy, Felruas was shaking like a leaf. He had never been particularly good with graves, and from what he could gather he was currently following the two creatures he had just tried to poison deep into a centuries old tomb that may or may not be haunted. It wasn't until he actually walked into Celestia's backside that he realized they had stopped moving. Ahead, Luna seemed to be focusing on some collapsed rocks. Her horn ignited with telekinesis, and for a moment a similar glow surrounded the stones. She focused briefly before releasing her magic, to no seeming effect. Felruas let out an internal sigh of relief at that- they might have some odd immunity to poison, but apparently their telekinesis was far more limited than they let on if she couldn't even lift a pile of rocks. He smile dissolved though as the rocks, having just been subjected to far more telekinetic pressure than any measuring equipment would survive long enough to quantify, collapsed into a fine sand. Trying not to lapse into hysteric laughter at how much THAT particular ability of their had been underestimated, he mutely followed along.

There wasn't much further for them to go, however. The pathway opened up into a massive circular chamber, walkways ringing the edges as the floor was lost somewhere in the sea of darkness below. The drop was not the most unsettling thing though- that honour went to the objects which lined the walls of the entire chamber.

From a distance, they might have passed as some manner of very deep bas relief. Upon closer inspection, Felruas was horrified to discover, they were some combination of carved stone and Pony remains. Each was depicted upright in a state of repose, with forelegs crossed. Their flesh had been carved to look skeletally gaunt, and those with wings had actual wing bones inlaid in the correct positions along carved stone wings, depicted flared. It took him a moment to notice, but all of their carved legs seemed to be capped with actual desiccated hooves. Worst, however, were the heads.

They were mostly bone, the skulls having somehow been mounted half inside the stone. However, some ancient artisan had gone to great lengths to carve individual stone panels and affix them to parts of the skull, leaving them looking as though they had been layered with muscle. There was just enough detail that, if he squinted, he could almost make out what the face would have looked like while the pony was alive. Thoroughly unsettled, he backed away from the corpse / carving he had been inspecting, and back towards the Princesses.

"T-the Annular Legion, then? Who were they? This is quite an impressive tomb to have simply been sealed up!" He tried to look calm and relaxed, but he knew he was doing a poor job keeping the tremor out of his voice. This place felt wrong in every way- it bore only the faintest resemblance to Equestrian architecture, looking older than even the oldest parts he had seen of the castle. Luna didn't seem to share his discomfort though, as she let out a wistful sigh and looked around the chamber with the expression of a mother watching a sleeping child. When she spoke, her voice was laced with some combination of affection, reverence and regret.

"They are the worst war criminals of Equestria's past, but also some of its most devoted patriots and the only reason why Equestria survived some very dark times." The fact that she was not speaking in past tense about them was a detail completely missed by Felruas. There was a moment of hushed silence as the three stood there, Luna looking at peace, Celestia fidgeting, and Felruas making a valiant effort to not soil himself in fear. After a moment, Luna turned to her sister. "Come Celestia, let us see if the lamps still work!"

Felruas didn't dare let the Princesses get too far away from him down here, so as they walked over to a pair of crystals embedded in the wall he followed right on their heels. He knew he was doing a poor job of keeping up his suave, diplomatic facade, but down here in the ancient darkness he was having a bit of a hard time remembering why that was so important. Fortunately, after a moment of focus from both of the Princesses, crystals set into the walls of the entire chamber began to light up, bathing the massive tomb in a cold light. Able to see the full scope of it for the first time, Felruas once again felt his jaw drop. He knew the chamber was deep, but he had only estimated it to go down about half as far as it actually did. The entire way down, he could see that all the walls were lined with more of the macabre carvings. Curiously though, the floor so far below seemed to be occupied by a massive pile of what looked like grey sand, reaching several floors high at its centre. Trying to will his fraying nerves to steady, he turned to the Princesses for an explanation. What he saw was them engaged in a quiet debate.

"Please sister? Just one! We need to know that have not left after all this time!"

"...I'm not sure if it would be wise, Luna. The last time it took a lot of heartache and work to seal this place."

"But you were by yourself! The Legion would never serve only one of us, and with Us here as well they could resume their rightful place! Please Sister, we only want to see if it's even possible! Just one!" Celestia rubbed her temples.

"...Fine, but only one. I'm trusting you on this Luna, if things get out of hoof then it is your responsibility to bear. Agreed?" Luna nodded enthusiastically. Turning, she lept to the edge of the walkway and ignited her horn.

Felruas could hear it before he could see it, even with the glowing crystals the light was still somewhat dim. The pile of sand shifting far below, as a faint wind whipped up. He began to see a small vortex pulling a bit of sand from the pile, raising it up until it coalesced into a sphere in front of the Lunar Princess. Holding it with her telekinesis, Luna walked along the walkway, carefully inspecting each of the skeletal carvings. She finally seemed to find what she was looking for, and with a smile she raised the orb in front of her, right in front of the carving.

Felruas, being an Elf, had some knowledge of magic. He could feel how Equestria's magic was subtly different from that of his own world, and he could sometimes faintly sense it when the Princesses worked their magic- usually nothing more than the rough school of what spell they were using was, such as evocation, divination, or conjuration. What he felt now was not only a type of magic he hadn't expected to feel from either of the Princesses, but a twisted form of it that he was quite certain wasn't supposed to be possible.

As the orb of sand began to emit small tendrils that snaked towards the carving, Felruas was acutely aware of the exotic feeling of necromancy. What caught him off guard was that instead of the cold, nervous sensation of negative energy that always went hand in hand with necromancy, there was an almost palpable warmth to the spell. Somehow, positive energy was being used to fuel a necromantic spell, and he knew for a fact that some of his old magic teachers would be spinning in their graves at this. As he watched in horror, the sand layered itself over the bones and the stone, forming the layer of skin that seemed to have been left off by the carver. No sooner had the sand fully layered itself over the face than the closed eyelids snapped open, revealing the empty sockets of the skull beneath. With the grinding sound of stone on stone, one of the forelegs came free. Each motion send sand sloughing off, only to be replaced momentarily as more sand flowed in to fill the gap. The other foreleg came free next, and with a mighty crack the odd creature lurched forward, breaking itself free of the wall. More sand flowed in to fill it out along its back, and in a few moments more the ball of sand was gone, having fully layered itself upon the pony-shaped thing in front of them. It was a unicorn mare, going by the horn and the shape of its face. Other than the odd colour and texture of its coat and the gaping black holes in place of its eyes, it could almost pass as a living creature. Felruas flinched as it turned it's head, and he nearly jumped as it noticed Luna and snapped off a salute.

"Praetorpony Marble Heart of the Annular Legion!" When the thing spoke, Felruas had been expecting a voice like dry leaves or stone grinding on stone. Instead, it had the voice of a businesslike but wholly living regular unicorn mare. He wasn't sure if that was better, or somehow worse. Disturbingly, whenever it moved its face to talk, more sand sloughed off, giving him momentary glances of the stone and ancient teeth beneath. When she smiled, it unfortunately reached her eyes, and very briefly exposed a lot more of her skull than he would have preferred. "And might I just say Ma'am, it's a pleasure to have you back. The Legion can't function properly under only one commander, even if she IS an Alicorn." Turning her head to Celestia, she gave a curt nod. "With all due respect of course. For what it's worth Ma'am, you did far better on your own than any of us expected you to. We don't blame you for what you had to do." It was only then, for the first time, that the creature seemed to notice Felruas. Its posture changed immediately, no longer standing at attention but shifting into an offensive stance with her horn levelled at the Elf. Felruas was momentarily surprised to see its horn light up, but his surprise was once more overridden by horror as he saw what the energy expenditure was doing to the thing's face. It was like a strong wind was swirling around its horn, and as it whipped past its face it pulled the sand along with it, stripping the top of its head bare and exposing the skull underneath. This effect reached just barely to its lower jaw, turning it from a disturbing creature of sand into a horrific being from a nightmare.

"Princesses, awaiting orders! Not sure what that thing is but I don't trust it!" It was hard to tell with most of her face gone, but the undead pony seemed to be snarling. "I can feel that it's not from Equus. Subdue or terminate?"

"Stand down, Praetorpony! This creature is a diplomat under Our protection. Your vigilance is duly noted." Luna spoke a bit more loudly perhaps than was strictly necessary, but it did the job. Not looking very comfortable with the order, the thing that had once been Marble Heart relaxed her posture and her magic, her face flowing back together.

"As you wish Ma'am, but I still don't trust it. There's something off about that one, alien species aside." There was an awkward moment of silence that followed, the Princesses being a little embarrased about such an accusation being levelled at their quite polite and generous company, and Felruas trying to come to grips with the fact that an undead pony of bone, stone and sand thought that there was something "off" about him. Fortunately, a demure cough from Celestia broke the quiet.

"Marble Heart, it is good to see you once again. Now that Luna has returned, the Legion may be called upon in the future if Equestria has need of it, though I hope as ever that your generous services are not required. For now, we would take our leave, and allow you to return to your rest." Marble Heart seemed to think for a moment before snapping off another crisp salute. Turning, she walked back towards the wall she had emerged from. She was about halfway there when she was blindsided by a tackle-hug from Luna.

"We are so sorry We had to leave, and it is so good to see you again! We promise, the Legion will not be forced to sleep the next time Equestria requires your aid." After a moment, Luna broke the hug, sand clinging to her fur. For an undead monstrosity with about half her bones showing, Marble Heart looked rather touched.

"I look forward to it Ma'am. We all lived to serve once, and none of us are going to let a little thing like death get in the way of our duty." Smiling, she put her back to the wall. The sand began to flow around and off her as she was shuffled back into place, an occasional popping or grinding sound as her limbs twitched like those of a marionette back into place. The whole time the sand was flowing off her, it arced through the air and back to the pile below. Celestia couldn't help but notice that Luna was a little teary eyed, and when she spoke there was a bit of a hitch in her voice.

"Just... just no genocide next time, alright? Three times is enough." Marble Heart smiled at her Princess as the sand continued to flow off of her, only her upper body and face left.

"I'll try Princess, but no promises."

And then she was gone.

Felruas had never been quite so relieved to be back outside. He was more than a little shaken to find out that the seemingly idyllic Equestria had an undead army of thousands stored beneath the city, and he was trying to ignore the fact that he was pretty sure he had gotten some of that sand in his mouth while it had been flowing off. He knew for a fact that it was in his hair and clothes, and he wondered if he would ever feel clean again. He turned to Celestia to politely enquire about where he might find a spot for a quick wash, but instead saw her staring up at the sun in seeming annoyance.

"I thought for sure the last one I put in there was at least a heavy Class L... Luna, what was that last star you found for me?" Luna seemed to be lost in thought, and she took a moment to get her head in the conversation.

"Oh, it was one of the ones I used to use for that old constellation with the horse and the human rider. Not like we have humans anymore though, so I scrapped that one..." at the mention of humans, she looked wistfully back towards the Crypt. "I think it was Bellrose Minor, why?" Celestia groaned.

"I could have sworn you had said it was Bellrose Major. No wonder the Sun has already almost burned through the whole thing. It's short notice, but do you have any other spare stars laying around? I promised Vanhoover a nice sunset tonight, but I would have a hard time working with this." Luna rolled her eyes.

"Fine sister, let's go feed the sun. Honestly, between the way you eat cakes and the way your Sun eats stars, its amazing there's any matter left in creation." Her face lit up as she had an idea. "Felruas, would you care to join us? Feeding the sun isn't something many mortals get a chance to witness up close. It's quite fascinating, especially if you can feel magic at all." Felruas just stared at her for a moment, trying to understand the concept of feeding a sun. After a minute, he nodded mutely. "Lovely! Celestia, why don't you go on ahead and see if you find one that would be a good fit. I'm not using the stars further than about five or sixs parsecs out, so anything there or further is fair game. I just need to put some spells on Felruas so that he can survive out there with us." Celestia nodded at her, and with a surge of magic so strong it made Felruas' ears pop she teleported away. Nervously, he looked at Luna.

"So, feeding the Sun? I've never heard of such a thing before." He tried to ignore the slightly uncomfortable sensation of lunar magic pouring over him.

"Oh yes, we have to keep it running somehow. Truth be told, Equus is a very, very old planet. If we didn't occasionally pop out the heavy minerals at the heart of the sun and throw some new matter in, it would have burned out ages ago!" She stuck her tongue out of the side of her mouth for a moment as she wove some particularly tricky temperature protection spells. "It's all a balancing act really, throw in too small a star and it burns through it too fast. Throw in too big a star, and we risk bumping it up from a Class G star and throwing off the colour and heat." She smiled as she finished her spells. "I remember one time when we accidentally threw another Class G star into it, and bumped it to a Class A blue star! Celestia was so embarrassed!" She laughed at the memory. "She had to move it so much further away from the planet, and for the next few hundred years it took her so much more work to raise and lower! We are pretty sure that's when she developed her little coffee dependency in the mornings." She stepped back, checking over her spells once more. "Anyway, we should be good to go. Are you ready then?" Felruas was trying to think of a way to politely get out of the situation, but he took too long. Luna mistook his silence for confirmation. "Splendid! Let us be off then!"

His ears popped when Celestia teleported. This time, it felt like they exploded.

The Elves knew to expect Felruas' return, but they didn't expect him to return in the state he was in. Gone was the calm poise and the confidence of a spider ensnaring his prey. As he stumbled out of the portal, he had a wild, frantic look in his eyes. The ends of his hair and the edges of all his clothing were gently smouldering, and the high diplomancer looked like he had been through hell and back. Immediately, attendants rushed over to help him.

"My lord, are you alright? What happened? Did the Cake work? Did the Equestrians learn of our plan?" He turned to face them, his face a mask of the terror that had slowly been mounting in him all day.

"It didn't! It can't! WE can't! They... undead... racial extermination..." frantically, he grabbed the shirt of the man closest to him. "THEY EAT STARS!" As if his entire day suddenly caught up to him, his eyes rolled back and he collapsed in a dead faint.

"Oh sister, We're so embarrassed! We were so busy chatting like a schoolfilly that We didn't do the spells right, and now he got singed and nearly suffocated and he's going to HATE UUUUUUS!" Luna cradled her face in her hooves while Celestia patted her back.

"It'll be fine Lulu, you'll see, he's a gentleman and he'll look past it. Tell you what, the Grand Galloping Gala is coming up, I'll see to inviting him, and I'll steer him your way. You wear that red dress of yours, and he won't be able to remember why he was upset in the first place!" She looked at her younger sister, concerned. After a moment of silence, she leaned against her. "And how about this: if he acts like a jerk about it, then we can just throw his planet into his sun. That sound good?" Luna was quiet again for a moment.

"Y-yeah," she sniffed. "That sounds good."

Author's Note

This idea was spawned when I was mulling over the D&D rules for the classification of gods, and how those systems are not fully understood by the mortals within the game. As such, they could result in miscalculating the divine- for example, mistaking a pair of greater deities for a couple of demigods.