Dame Vinyl

by Syeekoh

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Octavia, Rarity
Length: 7926

Vinyl deals with the tribulations of knighthood.

Dame Vinyl Scratch deals with the trials of becoming a knight, while Octavia learns more about Lunarian music.

Takes place after "One-Winged Pony"

Published 2014-01-25 21:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-26 15:53:15 UTC

Dame Vinyl

Vinyl Scratch waited impatiently by the door tapping her foot, the sound echoing around the apartment where she lived. It should be here any second now. Suddenly, the door unlocked and a grey mare with long black hair came in, cello in mouth. Vinyl groaned.

"Nice to see you, too," the mare mumbled.

"I just don't understand why it isn't here yet, Octavia!" Vinyl fussed.

"Why isn't what here?" Octavia asked, setting down her cello.

"The mail! It should have been here hours ago!"

"Oh, I already grabbed the mail," Octavia stated, "it's on the kitchen...counter..." she trailed off as Vinyl rushed into the kitchen, rifling through letters.

"Bill...bill...junk...bill...bill...here it is!" Vinyl said with glee as she picked up a letter with her magic and tore it open. She read it out loud, "This letter is to officially induct Dame Vinyl Scratch as a Knight Commander of the Order of the Equestrian Empire! Woo-hoo!"
Octavia groaned. "Only you could manage to acquire a knighthood for creating the loudest sound in Equestria, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl," Vinyl cut in, "titles are important!"

Octavia sighed, "Alright, Dame Vinyl. You know, it interrupted my show, although to actually hear Lunarian music was transcendant-"

"And Sephiroth and Celestia slugging it out in the streets didn't interrupt it!?"

"No, I wasn't near the fighting, although the city was quite a wreck afterwards. I never knew Celestia had that much power," Octavia said, shivering, "You would have thought a dragon was having a spat with an Ursa Major..."

"You know they said the force of their punches vaporized all the windows around them!? I so would pay to see that!"

"Of course you would, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl, titles-"

"-are important, I know," Octavia groaned, sitting on the plush couch, "so what were you doing in Ponyville at the time anyway,
Vinyl?"

"Dame-"

"Dame Vinyl," Octavia grumbled.

Vinyl sighed, "I have a chill spot with a studio in Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack let me build on her property cause they have so much free space. That way, I can crank the wubs as loud as I want, and nopony can claim noise pollution."

"Ah, yes, that rube at the Gala who tried setting up a stand-"

"Hey!" Vinyl shot out, "She is NOT a rube! Sure, she may be a little bit country, but that's her charm! I'm sure you'd warm up to her if you met her!"

Octavia sneered at that comment. "You know I have no desire to associate with those ruffians, Vinyl-"

"Dame-"

"Dame Vinyl," Octavia groaned, "and the only reason I let the pink one in is because she's your friend. Otherwise, I loathe them for ruining my big night."

Vinyl looked at the ground. She opened her mouth, then shut it. Octavia glared at her. Vinyl then said, "I'm sure you wouldn't think that way if you got to know them. They're all great ponies at heart," Vinyl winked at Octavia, "and that's coming from a Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire, so you know it's true!"

Octavia groaned. "Blueblood is a Prince. He is also the most foppish, ill-mannered dandy that ever walked Equestria. Do you think I should listen to whatever HE says?"

Vinyl intoned, "Well, you kinda have to, seeing as how he's your biggest patron..."

"Not the point," Octavia said pointedly, "you know I think he's an absolute sot. Even through all the disaster, I still smiled a little when the pony with the purple mane absolutely splattered him with cake," Octavia said, chuckling a little at that memory.

Vinyl said, "Oh, you must mean Rarity. Yeah, she told me about that."

"Rarity? The fashionista? She was big in Canterlot a while back," Octavia mused, stretching out along the couch, "what I wouldn't give to meet her..."

Vinyl cleared her throat.

"What, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl-"

"WOULD YOU QUIT IT WITH THAT!?" Octavia screamed, breathing heavily. A broom was slammed against the ceiling below them.

"Keep it down up there! Tell her no means no!"

Octavia sighed, "Anyway, what were you going to say, Vinyl?"

"D-" Vinyl started, then quickly changed direction when she received a glare from Octavia that could shatter glass. She then continued, "I COULD set up a meeting with you and Rarity...if you ask nicely..." Vinyl said with a wink.

Octavia looked at Vinyl with an endearing stare, "You could? Oh joy!"

Vinyl cleared her throat, looking at Octavia expectantly. Octavia rolled her eyes. "Really?"

Vinyl nodded.

Octavia groaned, "Dame Vinyl Scratch, Knight Commander of the Royal Order of the Equestrian Empire, could you set up a meeting with Rarity and me?"

Vinyl nodded, "I'd be honored to, fair peasant-" and was quickly cut of with a thrown pillow to the face, "Hey, you know that constitutes-" another pillow, "-an act of war against-" another pillow, -Equestria, and in your case, treaso-WOAH!" Vinyl was cut off by a couch sailing through the air, barely catching it in her magic.

"Sorry," Octavia grinned, "I ran out of pillows,"

Enter Lunarian

Octavia sat at her table at Donut Joe's, a local coffeeshop. She nervously sipped on her latte, looking around for her guest. The weather outside was sunny, thanks to the Pegasus Weather Patrol. She then saw Rarity approach. She sipped again, cradling the cup in her hooves to calm herself down. She didn't want to appear unladylike, after all. The purple maned mare approached her table.

"Are you...Octavia?" she asked, affecting a Mid-Canterlot accent. That accent has to be purposefully cultivated, Octavia noted to herself.

"Yes, I am," Octavia said, "would you like to join me?"

"Well, that's what I came for, isn't it?" Rarity said as she sat down, calling out, "could I have a five-shot caramel macchiato, please?"

"Coming up!" Donut Joe, the stallion behind the counter called back.

"Nice bowtie, by the way," Rarity said, "it amazes me how so little could do so much. I mean, my dresses are usually lavish affairs...but the bowtie works for you."

"Thank you," Octavia said primly, smiling inwardly at the compliment.

Rarity smiled as her drink was served to her, nodding her thanks to Donut Joe. She sipped it, a visible tingle going through her body as she did so. "Whoever invented caffeine should be given a medal. I couldn't get through my day without it!"

"Agreed," Octavia stated, sipping her latte.

"So Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl-"

"What? Oh-"

"Sorry, force of habit," Octavia said, grinning sheepishly, "she insists on being addressed as such. It's really getting on my nerves..."

"Titles are important," Rarity said crisply, "you of all ponies should know that,"

"I do," Octavia stated, "it's just that ever since she became Knight Commander, she hasn't shut up about it,"

"You know, that sounds like the opposite of my friend, Twilight Sparkle-"

"You mean Princess Celestia's personal protege?"

"The very same. When she ascended to Princesshood, she insisted we not call her 'Princess Twilight Sparkle' no matter however much we insisted upon it."

"From what I hear, she's a very powerful...alicorn, I guess. Vinyl told me that she was the conduit for that massive energy blast that sealed Sephiroth on the moon."

"Yes, and she almost gave out a few times. When the spell was complete, she passed out for three days."

Octavia shuddered at that. She was very happy being an earth pony.

"Well, it seems Canterlot's recovering nicely, barring certain exceptions..." Rarity said, motioning at the hole in the ceiling.

"Well, there's a funny story about that, you see. When Donut Joe came back to the store, all of his plates and glassware were vaporized...rumors say it was due to the sheer force of one of Princess Celestia's bucks. He had to spend a lot of bits on that."

"Well," Rarity said, sipping her coffee, another twitch vibrating through her being, "I should think that the Princess would be more than willing to recoup the costs if he just asked her,"

Octavia spit her coffee back into her cup at that remark. "Rarity, most ponies don't have the same...access to Royalty that you do. I've only spoken to Prince Blueblood on occasion, and that's only because he's my biggest patron."

Rarity snorted. "Twit."

Octavia giggled. "I agree."

Rarity chortled. "You know what he did to me? He made me pay for his food, used my cloak as a bridge over a puddle, then had the gall to use me as a cake shield! I got the last laugh, though, when I shook it all over him! Ha, I say!"

"I know, I saw that." Octavia said, "He tries hitting on me all the time, even though I've made it quite clear to him that I'm into mares.
He is a disgusting, boorish pig of a pony, and you certainly gave him his..." Octavia started giggling uncontrollably.

"Gave him what, dear?"

Octavia's giggling turned into chortling. "His...JUST DESSERTS!" and then they both broke out into hearty laughter after that, quickly collecting themselves after they realized they were attracting glares from the other patrons around them.

"Well then, now that we've had our fun, how about we go back to my place? I have certain questions I'd like to ask you in private..." Octavia intoned.

"Well, I'd be delighted! Lead the way!" Rarity said as she chugged the rest of her macchiato. Octavia cringed as a visible tingle thrummed through Rarity's body.

Octavia unlocked the door to her apartment, Rarity in tow. She opened it to complete blackness. She reached for the light-

"Don't touch that!" A voice called from the darkness.

"Why not, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl," Vinyl corrected her, "titles are important!"

"Much agreed, Dame Vinyl," Rarity said, closing the door behind her, "but why the darkness?"

"Oh, you'll see," Vinyl said wickedly. Just then, a low thrum swept through the room, "Introducing...the Dame of Dubstep...the Knight Commander of Nightcore...DJ-Pon-3!" as the shadow of a unicorn was cast in the black and a torrential downpour of wubs descended upon the apartment, causing Rarity and Octavia to cover their ears. Vinyl then switched on the lights and turned off the dubstep. "So, what did you think of my new intro?" Vinyl asked with a grin.

"It was very...energetic..." Octavia offered.

"Well, I thought it was quite regal, to be honest, Dame Vinyl," Rarity opined. A loud knocking was heard at the door.

"I'll get it!" Vinyl shouted, "it's probably for me," she said as she opened the door, revealing a very angry orange stallion with a green mane, "Ah, Syko, how-"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LOUD YOU ARE, VINYL-"

"That's Dame Vinyl to you," Vinyl affected.

"Dame... Vinyl?" Syko asked.

"Yes, that's Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire," Vinyl replied, "and a dear personal friend of Princess Celestia, to boot!"

Syko looked nonplussed, "Ok, have a nice day..." he said as he closes the apartment door ever so gently. Vinyl turned to her friends and grinned, "so what do you think of THAT?"

"I noticed that you failed to inform him that your title is purely ceremonial, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl," Rarity corrected her. Octavia shot her a dirty look. "What? Titles are important." Vinyl nodded at that.

"You go, girl!" Vinyl cheered.

"Well, anyway," Octavia said quickly, "Rarity, I'd like you to come to my room with me. Now if you'll come this way..."

"No funny business, you two!" Vinyl called out to them, "and that goes double for you, Rarity, seeing as how Octavia is technically my property-"

"Shut up, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl-"

"I KNOW!" Octavia shouted as she slammed the door behind her.

Rarity looked around the room. It was simple. A bed, a dresser, a closet, a mirror, a window, and a cello case in the corner. Octavia was standing by the door, fiddling with her hooves. Rarity was starting to get uncomfortable, so she spoke up.

"Darling, whatever are we doing in your room?"

Octavia had a pleading look on her face as she said, "Well, I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if you could..."

"Well, out with it, then-"

"I want you to sing your Lunarian music so that I can play alongside it!" Octavia shot out.

Rarity looked bemused. "Vinyl told you that I'm a Soosi, huh..."

"Pardon?"

"Lunarian. When I get my hands on her I'm going to have to teach her a lesson on privacy..."

Octavia looked embarrassed, "I'm sorry, is that something to be kept private?"

Rarity frowned, "You wouldn't understand, being a Canterlot Celestian. Back in Ponyville, I kept it a secret to avoid prejudice-"

Octavia looked confused, "But Equestria was built on harmony-"

"Not when you're thought to be in league with Nightmare Moon, it isn't,"

"But you don't seem to have been run out of town...in fact, Vinyl tells me your business is booming!"

"Well, I suppose I might have underestimated the power of friendship there-"

"But I heard you sing! Everypony heard you sing!"

Rarity looked bemused yet again, "When would you have heard me singing?"

"Over Canterlot! Through Vinyl's infernal contraption!"

Rarity chuckled, "That was my sister Sweetie Belle you heard, not me. I'm sorry..."

Octavia looked down, then back up, "If your sister knows the songs, then you do, too!" Octavia said with resolve as she removed her cello from it's case and propped it up, taking a standard position, "Sing for me, Rarity!"

Rarity looked down, unsure of what to do. She then looked up and nodded.

Al hanissin, v'al hapurkan-

Rarity stuttered as she heard the cello.

"Keep going," Octavia assured her, "I'm just here for accompaniment,"

With that, Rarity continued.

V'al ha'gvurot v'al ha'tshuot
V'al hamilkhamot sheasitah, sheasitah lavoteinu
Bayamim hahem(bayamim hahem)
Bayamim hahem(bayamim hahem)
Bayamim hahem, ba'zman hazeh, ba’zman hazeh

Rarity sighed as the cello winded down, repeating the last phrase.

"So, what do you think?" Rarity asked, "I mean, I'm certainly no Sweetie Belle, but I think I do hold my own..."

"I thought it was beautiful," Octavia said with tears in her eyes, "I have no idea what the Lunarian was, but the tune itself spoke to me of hope. Not fleeting hope, like of wanting a certain patron to sponsor you, but of a true, deep hope of those who had been enslaved from being their true selves, of having to hide the beauty in their souls which can only be let out through song." Octavia sighed and wiped the tears from her eyes, "That was a prayer, wasn't it?"

"Um, yes. How did you happen to divine that?"

"It was the deliberate tone with which you sang it in, as if it were hammered into your head by years of rote, as opposed to a song somepony might sing out of the blue. Could you tell me what it means?"

Rarity was set off guard by the earth pony's piercing analysis, but went on. "You weren't that far off the mark. It's actually about miracles. It says, ' We thank you also for the miracles, for the redemption, for the mighty deeds and saving acts, wrought by you, as well as for the wars which you waged for our fathers in days of old, at this season.'"

Octavia sat on her haunches, taken aback by the translation. "What a sorry state their civilization must have been in to be thankful for war, even in the past tense. You realize that this prayer predates Equestria by a large margin..."

"How do you figure?" Rarity asked.

"Equestria hasn't really seen war. The best example that comes to mind is the Changeling Invasion, but that wasn't really a war. Most major battles in Equestria are just that, battles. Wars are long, horrid drawn out affairs that sap a nation's resources to their breaking points."

"How do you know all this?" Rarity asked worriedly.

"I studied Pre-Equestrian civilization. When Equestria was formed, they instituted a proxy system for war that sent out champions to fight on a nation's behalf. And since Equestria has a God-Empress, we haven't really seen any competition."

"I see. Shall we try another song, then?"

Octavia got up into playing position and nodded. Rarity began singing, Octavia playing along.

Col od b'levav penimia
Nefesh Yehudi homiah
Ulfa'atey mizrach kadima
Ayin l'tziyon tzofiah
Od lo avdah tikvateinu
Hatikva bat shnot alpayim
Li'hiyot am chofsi b'artzeinu
Eretz tziyon v'Yerushalayim
Li'hiyot am chofsi b'artzeinu
Eretz tziyon v'Yerushalayim

Octavia repeated the last phrase again as Rarity finished, tears welling up in Octavia's eyes yet again.

"So...beautiful..." Octavia mused, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I suppose you'll be wanting the translation. Well, here it is-"

"Wait," Octavia said, holding up a hoof, "I just want to bask in the song for a little bit," as she softly played the end of the song yet again, "ok, I'm ready,"

"Well, then. The translation:' As long as deep in the heart,

The soul of a Jew yearns,

And forward to the East

To Zion, an eye looks

Our hope will not be lost,

The hope of two thousand years,

To be a free nation in our land,

The land of Zion and Jerusalem.'"

Octavia mused, "No wonder they were praising war before, these poor souls didn't have a land to call their own! And it's no mystery why their music is so beautiful...home is where the heart is, as they say, and they also say music comes from the heart. Their proverbial home must have been their music, which leads me to peg them as nomads, but these songs are older than Equestria, which leads to a very strong oral tradition, which would make them learned, or at least their elders...but nomadic lifestyles don't really lend themselves to the types of ponies one would consider 'learned'...oooh, this is so confusing!"

Rarity stared at Octavia, worry taking over her face, "You're beginning to sound like a socially adept Twilight...why don't you get some rest, I'll see myself out and we can meet up tomorrow. Sound good?"

"Yeah," Octavia said, playing back the first song on her cello, "g'night..."

"Very well, good night." Rarity said as she left the apartment, leaving Octavia to her musing.

Every Knight Needs a Blade...

Vinyl was sitting at the bar of The Stone Pony, where she was sipping on a gin and juice, looking around the bar. She was approached by a stallion, who began to stammer, “H-hey, would you like go have a drink with me, Vinyl-”

“It’s Dame Vinyl, and sorry, I don’t swing that way,” she said curtly as she sipped on her drink.

“But my friends-”

“Were playing a prank on you,” she said, looking around the bar. An evil grin formed on her face, “Hey, you wanna give ‘em a show?”
“A show? What do you-” he was cut off by Vinyl’s lips pressing forcefully into his, her tongue forcing itself down his throat. He proceeded to kiss back, then she pulled away.

“Now tell you friends over there,” she said waving a hoof at a table of slack jawed ponies, “that you just made out with a Knight Commander!” as she sipped on her drink. The stallion nodded dumbly as he walked towards the table with a starry eyed expression, receiving high-hooves and slaps on the back from his friends. She sighed, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it, drawing in the sweet smoke, then exhaling it.

The barkeep walked up to her and said, “I’m sorry, miss-”

“Dame,” Vinyl said nonchalantly, sucking in more smoke and blowing it in the bartender’s face.

“-er, yes. I’m sorry, Dame, but we don’t allow smoking in this establishment.”

Vinyl took another drag, saying, “Knight Commander,”

“Be that as it may, I cannot allow you to-”

“Knight Commander,” Vinyl repeated.

“But you can’t-”

“Knight Commander,”

“You can’t-”

“Knight Commander,” she repeated, tension rising in her voice as she sucked down more smoke.

The bartender threw up his hooves and walked away. Vinyl smiled inward, lost in reverie, when a chunk of wood hit her on her forehead. She looked up and dropped her cigarette as she saw a six foot katana sticking out of the bar, her mouth agape in awe. She then said the only thing that made sense to her.

“DIBS!” she yelled as she leapt up onto the bar and started trying to yank it out of the polished wood, “dibsdibsdibsdibsdibs!!!” she kept yelling, as she kept attempting to pull it out. She then stopped pulling and hit her forehead. “Duh!” she exclaimed as shen applied her magic to the task, inching it out of the surface. She kept straining against the sword with her magic, when suddenly the katana leapt out of the bar, the shock causing her to lose her grip and fall onto her back as the sword tumbled in the air. She caught it just in time, the pointed end stopping just above her crotch. Vinyl looked at it in awe, as did the rest of the bar. She took a tentative swing, causing several patrons to duck as the long sword swung over their heads.

“Coooool…” Vinyl cooed as she took a few more swings.

“Aren’t ya gonna name it?” A stallion called out.

“Name it? Why?” Vinyl asked confusedly.

“Cause all the knights in the stories name their weapons!”

Vinyl thought at that, noticing the reflection of the lights dancing along the blade. Knights did name their weapons, didn’t they? Well, she had a name that would fit the weapon…

“NoWacking,” she mumbled.

“A little louder, please?”

Vinyl sighed, “I hereby christen this sword NoWacking!”

Several groans came from the crowd at the bar.

“Why’d ya come up with that!”

“Lame!”

“Hey!” Vinyl shouted, “The reason I called it NoWacking is cause nopony’s gonna whack me when I got this!” she said while lazily swinging the blade around, causing several ponies to quickly duck.

The bartender roared, “I was gonna let you slide for the cig, but now you’re endangering my customers! OUT!” he said, pointing towards the door.

“Sheesh, lighten up a little,” Vinyl said as she picked up the now-out cigarette with her magic and lit it, taking a long drag as she trotted out the door, NoWacking in tow.

Octavia was playing the songs she heard from Rarity in her room, when she heard the door knock. She groaned, figuring Vinyl lost her keys in one of those dives she frequents. It was time to change the lock anyways. She had her eye on a mahogany doorknob they were showing down the street. She thought of the small pleasures she afforded herself as she opened the door, screeching and cowering as a giant sword revealed itself.

“VINYL WHAT THE HAY IS THAT?!” Octavia screamed. Vinyl lazily walked through the threshold with her sword, taking a drag of a new cigarette.

“Say hello to NoWacking!” Vinyl beamed, “and it’s Dame Vinyl,”

Octavia groaned, “I leave you alone for three hours and you come back with a SIX-FOOT LONG KATANA!? What am I going to do with you?” she said as she caught a vase that Vinyl tumbled over with her sword, “and be more aware of your surroundings when you have that,” she added.

“What do you mean?” Vinyl queried, “I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing with this baby-”

“VINYL!” Octavia screamed as she ducked below the blade. The familiar sound of a broom handle was heard banging against the ceiling of the apartment below.

“Quiet down! Some of us have day jobs!”

“You don’t have a day job! You write for Playcolt!” Vinyl yelled down.

“Not the point! I normally sleep at night! Like you should be!”

“I’ll sleep whenever I damn well want to!”

“That’s because...why am I arguing with you?! Just shut up and let me get some sleep!”

“OK!” Vinyl yelled downstairs. She grinned, letting the light play off of the sword, “I’m a real knight now, with a sword and everything!”

Octavia sighed, “You realize you’re going to have to get that...thing registered with the Royal Guard,” Octavia said, “not to mention a sheath...and you’re going to have to take lessons to learn how to wield it properly…”

“Why? I can wield it just fine!” Vinyl exclaimed as she swung it again, knocking over the vase in Octavia’s hooves, causing her to scramble for the vase again as it almost hit the ground.

“Oops...hehe,” Vinyl said, blushing, “I guess I do need those lessons…” as Octavia gave her a dirty glare.

Vinyl trotted into the Equestrian Royal Guard’s station, NoWacking in tow, in a sheath of titanium wrapped in brocade. The Guard, not looking up, said, “State the nature of your business,”

Vinyl smiled and said, “I’d like to register a weapon, please,”

The guard’s head shot up, taking in the sight of the unicorn in front of him. She was holding what appeared to be a very large sword in her magic.

“What?” Vinyl asked.

The guard shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t really get that many requests for that,” he said, looking for the right paperwork, “nopony really has any use for weapons, you see...ah! Here it is!” the guard announced, holding up a form. “Name, please?”

“Dame Vinyl Scratch, Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire,”

The guard looked the unicorn over, “So you’re Vinyl…”

“Dame Vinyl-”

“-yes, yes,” he said, looking her up and down.

Vinyl looked annoyed, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer!” she spat out.

“Oh, sorry,” the guard replied, blushing, “I just thought you’d be...bigger,” he said, “now, what kind of weapon are you registering?”

“A katana,” Vinyl said pointedly.

“Ka...ta...na…” the guard said, writing it down, “and does the weapon have a name?”

“NoWacking!” Vinyl said proudly.

The guard groaned at that, writing it down. Vinyl looked visibly annoyed.

“Why does everypony keep groaning at that?!”

The guard looked up, then down at Vinyl, “Well, you have to...agree that it sounds rather...silly, don’t you think?”

“Nuh-uh! Ain’t nopony gonna be whacking me when I got this baby!”

“Uh-huh…” the guard said, taking out a camera, “Now hold the sword up so that I can take a picture of it for our records…”

Vinyl held up the sword and let out a toothy grin as the camera flashed.

“Just sign here…” the guard said, holding out the paperwork. Vinyl grabbed the pen and signed. “Thank you, that’ll be all. Your carrying permit should arrive in the mail in three days. Until then, tell anypony who asks that Barricade gave you express permission to carry.”

“Will do!” Vinyl said happily as she walked out, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up.

“You can’t…” Barricade started, then realized it was worthless as she had already left the premises. Sighing, he continued filling out his reports.

Asking Questions

Vinyl was strutting down Canter Boulevard, basking in the glares she elicted from passing ponies as her massive weapon. She smiled and waved at a couple, who just stared in shock. She took a long drag of her cigarette, then spotted a familiar face.

“RARITY!” She yelled, waving her sword, “HEY RARITY!”

The purple maned mare turned around in confusion before finally spotting Vinyl. She walked up to her, gave a curtsy, and said, “Hello, Dame Vinyl,”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Vinyl approved gleefully.

“If I may ask...what ARE you carrying?”

“Oh, this?” Vinyl asked, “Say hello to NoWacking!” she said as she pulled the long sword out of its sheath, making an audible singing tone due to the speed at which she pulled it out. Rarity staggered back.

“Gahhh…” Rarity said.

“Isn’t it awesome!? It just fell right into the bar at the Stone Pony, so I called dibs and now I’m a knight with a sword! I just got it registered down at the Guardhouse!”

“Very...did you say it fell into the bar?” Rarity asked, confused, “did you happen to see where it fell from?”

“I dunno, I was looking down...the sky, I guess?”

“Now, now,” Rarity said admonishingly, “things don’t just fall from the sky-”

“Rain does-”

“Well, yes, besides that-”

“And snow-”

“-or that-”

“And hail-”

“-OR that-” Rarity said frustratedly.

“Sometimes lightning-”

“WILL YOU QUIT IT, DAME VINYL!?” Rarity screamed at her friend, who reeled back, “all of those things you named are types of weather, and swords are most decidedly NOT a type of meteorlogic phenomenon!” she ended, breathing heavily.

“Sheesh, Rares, ya didn’t have to go psycho on me!”

“I’m sorry,” Rarity said, “but we simply must find out who that sword belongs to-”

“Nuh-uh, I called dibs on it!”

“Now, now, do you think the LAW will recognize your claim of ‘dibs’ on stolen property?”

“Well, uh...maybe?” Vinyl said with a toothy grin, taking another drag of her cigarette.

Rarity wrinkled her nose, clearly miffed at her friend’s habit, “Now, we simply have to ask around this...’Stone Pony’ to find out where that blade fell from,”

Vinyl groaned, “Ok, but if nopony claims it, I call dibs!”

They asked around the Stone Pony, Rarity more and more shocked to claims that it dropped through the roof of the establishment and into the counter of the bar at what appeared to be terminal velocity.

“See, told ya!” Vinyl said while sticking out her tongue at Rarity.

Rarity huffed, “Dame Vinyl, that behavior is most unbecoming of a mare of your stature!”

“Says who?”

“Says me!”

“Well you’re no expert! When was the last time you met a Knight Commander?”

Rarity gave pause at that, searching her memory. She found, to her dismay, that she couldn’t recall ever meeting a Knight Commander, or a knight of any sort.

“I can’t recall...but it couldn’t be any different than the rules of nobility-”

“But ya don’t know, do ya?” Vinyl said, sticking out her tongue again.

“And that’s certainly no way to treat a lady,” Rarity grumbled.

Vinyl stuck out her tongue again.

“Stop that, Dame Vinyl…”

Vinyl stuck out her tongue yet again.

“I said stop it!”

Vinyl said, “For all you know, this could be a secret greeting that shows great respect among Knights!” as she stuck out her tongue.

“Ooooh!” Rarity squealed as she stomped her hooves on the ground, “I, for one, find your behavior most unbecoming!”

Vinyl giggled as she took out another cigarette and lit it, taking a drag.

“And I find that habit of yours most deplorable! Who knows what you’re inhaling?”

“I know,” Vinyl said, exhaling smoke, “it’s tobacco, a plant. It comes from the earth. How bad could it be for me?” taking another drag as she finished her sentence.

“It’s just the idea of inhaling something on fire that I find so repugnant! And what’s in the paper that you wrap it in, huh?”

“Pure tobacco leaf,” Vinyl said without missing a beat, blowing out a thick cloud of smoke.

“No matter, then,” Rarity said, “we’ll just have to go to somepony who WOULD know about raining swords?”

“And who might that be?” Vinyl said, inhaling more smoke.

“Why none other than Princess Celestia!” Rarity said proudly.

“Ugh, let’s go,” Vinyl said, exhaling more smoke, “why are you interested in who this sword belongs to, anyway? I filed out the proper paperwork, and that says it’s mine!”

“Don’t you find it strange that a sword would fall out of the sky?”

“Not really,” Vinyl said, taking another drag, “Ponyville’s kinda desensitized my strange-o-meter a while ago,”

“Nevermind that, let’s head to the castle!”

“Fine,” Vinyl agreed, exhaling more smoke.

Questions Answered

Rarity and Vinyl Scratch walked up to the throne room, guards flanking them. They tried to take Vinyl’s weapon away, but a well-placed name drop put an end to that. They entered the throne room, Princess Celestia sitting on her throne, munching on a banana. She looked up and nodded to the ponies.

“Hello, Rarity, Dame Vinyl,” she said, “to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”

Rarity stepped up and said, “Well, first things first, Princess. I would like it if you could pay all damages for Donut Joe’s, including glassware, china, and that dreadful hole in their roof,”

Celestia blushed, “I had completely forgotten about Donut Joe’s. I’ll have him repaid by the end of the day,” she said, peering at Vinyl’s sword, “but I sense that is not why you came to see me, is it?”

Rarity looked away, then towards Celestia, “Princess, have you ever heard of sword rain?”

Celestia blinked, “I can’t say that I have. Is that where you believe Vinyl’s sword came from?”

Vinyl said, “Yeah, I was sitting at the bar at the Stone Pony, and I made out with this stallion as a prank, and then it just stuck itself into the bar! I then called dibs on it and pulled it out, and I even named it!”

“What did you name it, Dame Vinyl?”

“NoWacking, your highness!” Vinyl said with a smile on her face. Rarity groaned.

Celestia stifled a giggle, “And have you found the original owner?”

“No,” Rarity said, “and we looked all over. But everypony we asked said it fell out of the sky,”

“I even registered it!” Vinyl added.

Celestia had a thoughtful look on her face, saying “So you couldn’t find the owner, everypony said it fell out of the sky, and you had it registered? I’d say that Dame Vinyl's ‘dibs’ stands,”

Vinyl stuck out her tongue at Rarity, who growled back at her.

“Now if you’ll just let me take a look at it…” Celestia said as she reached out for the blade with her magic, surprised to feel a slight tug back from Vinyl.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Princess,” Vinyl informed her, “we’ve gotten kind of close,”

“Nonsense, Dame Vinyl, I simply wish to run some tests on it, then I’ll return it immediately-”

“Nuh-uh. I know what that means. You’ll find a way to dismantle it then say you had to do it.”

“Trust me Vinyl, It’ll all go-”

“I said let GO!” Vinyl roared in a deep bass at Celestia as her magic turned black and she proceeded to yank the sword clear out of the Princess’s grasp. Celestia decided to back off.

“Vinyl, why don’t you round up one of the guards to teach you how to use NoWacking? I have some...private matters to discuss with Rarity,” Celestia said with a warm smile.

“OK!” Vinyl cheerily said as she trotted out of the throne room.

Rarity glared at Celestia, “Wh-what was that that just came from Dame Vinyl?” she asked hesitantly.

Celestia sighed, “That sword is called Masamune…”

Rarity raised an eyebrow, “I thought it was called-” she shuddered, “NoWacking…”

Celestia shook her head, “That may be what Vinyl chose to call it, but it is not the true name of that sword. It is Sephiroth’s weapon, and it appears that he cast a part of himself out as we were banishing him into the shape of his trusted blade…”

Rarity cocked her head, confused, “But shouldn’t it have landed weeks ago, then? How does that even work?”

“It must have gotten caught up in a cloud or something,” Celestia stared at Rarity, “you must figure out a way to wrest the sword from your friend before it possesses her completely…”

“Who said anything about possession? And why can’t you do it?”

“Did you not hear the register of her voice when I tried to take it away? Classic traits of possession. And if I had succeeded in wresting it away from her, I risked awakening the beast that lays dormant inside of her now.”

Rarity nodded, “Alright, get the evil sword away from my friend who’s being possessed by a demon pony who’s currently trapped on the moon...Rarity, however do you get into these messes?”

Celestia giggled, “I don’t know, my little pony, but I’m sure you’ll do fine. Now go. I’m sure your friend is waiting for you.”

Rarity bowed and left the throne room. She trotted towards the castle gardens where the guards seemed to all be lying on the ground in various states of disarray. Vinyl sheathed NoWacking and grinned at Rarity.

“Hey, Rares. Did you know I was this good at swordplay? Cause I didn’t!”

Rarity shook her head, “Come on Vinyl, let’s go to your place…”

Rarity and Octavia were in her room, Octavia’s cello out.

“So why are you here again, Rarity?” Octavia asked.

“To teach you more Lunarian music, darling” Rarity answered. She then hissed, “And to get the sword away from Vinyl while she sleeps,”

Octavia looked confused, “But why-”

“Lower your voice!” Rarity hissed again, “that blade is an evil sword that is possessing our friend, and we need to get it away from her!”

Octavia shook her head, “The things that you manage to get yourselves into, I swear...so, sing me some Lunarian music!” she said, getting into position.

Rarity cleared her throat.

Avir harim zalul kayayin
Ve-rei'ah oranim
Nissa be-ru'ah ha'arbayim
Im kol pa'amonim

U-ve-tardemat ilan va-even
Shvuyah ba-halomah
Ha-ir asher badad yoshevet
U-ve-libbah homah

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Eikhah yavshu borot ha-mayim
Kikkar ha-shuk reikah
Ve-ein poked et Har ha-Bayit
Ba-ir ha-attikah

U-va-me'arot asher ba-selah
Meyallelot ruhot
Ve-ein yored el Yam ha-Melah
Be-derekh Yeriho

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Akh be-vo'i ha-yom la-shir lakh
Ve-lakh likshor ketarim
Katonti mi-ze'ir bana'ikh
U-me-aharon ha-meshorerim

Ki shemekh zorev et ha-sefatayim
Ke-neshikat saraf
Im eshkakhekh Yerushalayim
Asher kullah zahav

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Hazarnu el borot ha-mayim
La-shuk ve-la-kikkar
Shofar kore be-Har ha-Bayit
Ba-ir ha-attikah

U-va-me'arot asher ba-selah
Alfey shemashot zorhot
Nashuv nered el Yam ha-Melah
Be-derekh Yeriho

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Yerushalayim shel zahav
Ve-shel nehoshet ve-shel or
Ha-lo le-khol shirayikh
Ani kinnor.

Rarity finished singing, Octavia playing out the end of the piece. Octavia propped up her cello, and sat in thought. Rarity raised an eyebrow.

“What are you thinking about, Octavia?” Rarity asked.

“Nothing, it’s just...this song sounds different than the last two. Kind of...folksy.” Octavia looked up at Rarity, “Lay it on me,”

Rarity nodded, “Here goes…
The mountain air is clear as water
The scent of pines around
Is carried on the breeze of twilight,
And tinkling bells resound.

The trees and stones there softly slumber,
A dream enfolds them all.
So solitary lies the city,
And at its heart -- a wall.

Oh, Jerusalem of gold, and of light and of
bronze,
I am the violin for all your songs.

The wells ran dry of all their water,
Forlorn the market square,
The Temple Mount dark and deserted,
In the Old City there.

And in the caverns in the mountain,
The winds howl to and fro,
And no-one takes the Dead Sea highway,
That leads through Jericho.

Oh, Jerusalem of gold, and of light and of
bronze,
I am the violin for all your songs.

But as I sing to you, my city,
And you with crowns adorn,
I am the least of all your children,
Of all the poets born.

Your name will scorch my lips for ever,
Like a seraph's kiss, I'm told,
If I forget thee, golden city,
Jerusalem of gold.

Oh, Jerusalem of gold, and of light and of
bronze,
I am the violin for all your songs.

The wells are filled again with water,
The square with joyous crowd,
On the Temple Mount within the City,
The shofar rings out loud.

Within the caverns in the mountains
A thousand suns will glow,
We'll take the Dead Sea road together,
That runs through Jericho.

Oh, Jerusalem of gold, and of light and of
bronze,
I am the violin for all your songs.”

Octavia nodded slowly at that, “Interesting.”

Rarity asked, “Interesting?”

“Yes. It appears the last verse was written later, due to being in direct contradiction with the second verse. Also, it appears to complete the tale in the last song that you sang - these ponies appear to have found their Jerusalem, wherever that is,” Octavia sighed, “the city sounds marvelous, almost like an ancient Canterlot. How I would so love to go there,” Just then they heard snoring coming from Vinyl’s room. Octavia shuddered, “she sounds like a chainsaw…”

Rarity whispered, “Alright, I’ll sneak in and grab the blade, you sit here and look pretty,” and with that, Rarity crept towards Vinyl’s room.

When Rarity opened the door, she was certainly not prepared for the absolute mess that she encountered there. She spotted Vinyl in her bed, apparently sleeping with the sword, holding it in loving embrace. Rarity shuddered as she crept around the detritus in the room, finally getting close enough to the sword where she could grasp it with her magic. She did, slowly inching it out of Vinyl’s grasp. She had almost gotten it out when Vinyl lifted her head.

“You! Keep away from my blade!” Vinyl roared, drawing the blade from its sheath, the singing playing in a decidedly more sinister key. “How DARE you?!”

Rarity stood in shock as Vinyl leapt out of bed and swung NoWacking directly at her. She did the only thing she could and blocked with the sheath, the titanium blocking the blade.

“So it’s a fight you want, eh?” Vinyl said, “fine, then let’s dance!”

Endings

Rarity was thrown out of Vinyl’s room by the force of one of her magic blasts, her back smashing into the kitchen table. She barely had time to collect herself before Vinyl came in screaming and slashed NoWacking down upon Rarity, who quickly blocked with the sheath. Rarity managed to pull Vinyl’s blade back with the sheath and stand up before having to block another swing. Rarity tried to swing the sheath at Vinyl, who easily blocked the incoming blow. Back and forth they danced, blade against sheath, sparks and strips of brocade flying everywhere. They then locked implements, caught in a desperate struggle.

“What is it you want?!” Rarity screamed.

“What I want!?” Vinyl roared, “What I want is the death of you ponies, so that your spirits will intermingle with the lifestream, allowing me to sail the darkness of the cosmos with this planet as my vessel-” and was interrupted by Rarity drawing back and scoring a hit on her foreleg. Vinyl screamed and slashed at Rarity, who blocked sloppily.

“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Rarity said loudly, pulling back and swatting towards Vinyl, who blocked handily, “That has to be the most ridiculous evil plot I’ve ever heard!” as the sheath was pushed away.

“Evil?” Vinyl sneered, “I am simply claiming what is my birthright!” as she swatted away the sheath. Rarity face turned to one of fear as she faced down the possessed unicorn, She then spotted Vinyl’s pack of cigarettes. She scooped out the cigarettes with her magic and lit them.

“Hey, Vinyl,” Rarity screamed, “CATCH!” and she flung all of the lit cigarettes towards Vinyl’s face. She blocked some of them, but three made contact. She recoiled and hissed.

“You dumb COW! What are you-” and suddenly stopped when she felt something soft hit her rump. She turned to see the source of the attack. What she saw was a grey earth pony mare quaking in her horseshoes, holding two pillows. Seeing nothing else to do, she proceeded to throw them at Vinyl, both of them bouncing ineffectually off of her face.

Vinyl snorted and turned back towards Rarity, who-THWACK!

Rarity had managed to get the sheath back and smack Vinyl in the face with it. Vinyl roared and lunged towards Rarity, sword drawn high when-WHUMP!

Vinyl was knocked out cold by a white couch hitting her in the back of the head, the couch landing on her prone form. Rarity glared at Octavia, who was fiddling her hooves nervously.

“Whatever did you do that for, Octavia? You could have killed the poor mare!”

“I…ran out of pillows?” Octavia offered weakly.

“Well, get it off of her. I’m going to check if she’s still alive,” Octavia proceeded to lift the couch off of Vinyl’s unconscious body, while Rarity checked for a pulse, “she’s still alive, good. Now, Octavia, you grab the blade-”

“ME?! WHY!?”

“Because I don’t think Vinyl’s guest will possess an earth pony,” she said, standing up. Octavia nervously prodded the sword with a hoof, and sensing nothing particularly evil about it, proceeded to pick it up with her mouth. Rarity picked up Vinyl’s prone form and then they both headed towards the castle.

Luna was sitting in the throne room, minding her own business, when Rarity holding Vinyl and a grey mare holding a sword in her mouth burst in.

“Princess Luna, do you know how to perform an exorcism?”

Luna raised an eyebrow, “And why would you need me to perform an exorcism?”

“Sephiroth possessed Vinyl through the blade-”

“Say no more,” Luna cut in as her horn flared, casting Vinyl and the blade in a blue glow. Smoke pulled out of Vinyl’s mouth and fused with the sword, which was holding a black glow. Luna then focused harder, expelling the black glow from the sword and sending it heavenward.

“There,” Luna said, visibly strained.

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you!” Octavia cried, before quickly composing herself, “I mean, thank you, Princess Luna. Vinyl is my everything, and I don’t know what I would do without her,” she affected, performing a small bow.

Vinyl then groaned, and sat up on her haunches, “What happened? And as for that, where am I?” she said, looking around, “I need a cigarette…”

Rarity opened her mouth to object, when Octavia pulled out a pack from her saddlebag and tossed it towards Vinyl, who hungrily snatched it with her magic. She proceeded to open it, pulling out a cigarette, lighting it, and took a long drag of it, exhaling a thick plume of smoke.

Rarity’s mouth gaped open in shock, “Are you smoking in the Throne Room of Canterlot Castle?!”

Vinyl took another drag of her cigarette, looked around, and exhaled, “I suppose I am,” she then turned to Princess Luna, pointing towards her cigarette and asked, “Hey, is this cool?”

Luna giggled and replied, “Ordinarily no, Dame Vinyl, but due to recent events, I’ll allow a one time exception,”

Vinyl waved a hoof at Luna, “Thanks, Princess,” and inhaled again as Octavia grasped her in a bear hug, causing Vinyl to blush,

“C’mon Octy, not in front of Royalty! You’ll ruin my Knight cred!”

“On the contrary, Vinyl, having a loved one to share your victories with all but solidifies your, ‘cred’, as it were,” Luna said.

Rarity wrinkled her nose in disgust at the smell of smoke. Still, she couldn’t help but feel warm at the display of affection front of her.

“So I got saved by the damsel in distress then, huh?” Vinyl asked.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, Dame Vinyl,” Octavia said, kissing Vinyl on the cheek.

“Ew! Cooties!” Vinyl shouted, attempting to push Octavia way, failing as her bear hug grew tighter.

“You’ll always be my Knight, Dame Vinyl,” Octavia cooed.

Vinyl glared at Octavia. "And could you quit it with the Dame stuff? It's getting kind of annoying."

Octavia shook her head and giggled. "Titles are important, Dame Vinyl."