Author's Note
Warning: Something or someone will be killed in each chapter. You have been warned.
Now enjoy the twisted humor that is was previously locked in my head.
Squirrel
“WAHAHAHAHAH!!!!”
BOOM!
That was the sound that echoed throughout half of Equestria. Everypony saw the green star fall from the sky and the maniacal laughing that came from it as it fell. And fall it did... right into the center of the Everfree forest, leaving a smoking crater in its wake. For on that day a… very disturbed, creature landed on their world.
“Ahhh, my fuckin’ head!” the creature within the crater said as it stepped out of the smoke.
The creature that stepped forth was a goat, a green glowing goat… with a black spiked collar. His left eye was constantly twitching as he took a look at the surrounding area. Atop his head was a pair of horn, with tips sharper than most razors.
“Where the fuck am I,” he shouted as he looked over his surroundings, walking away from the crater, “Hell this place is as green as-”
He stopped as he turned his head to face a tree. It had somehow got his full attention as he just stared at it, as if it had great importance. It was almost as if he was in a trance like state for a minute before his blank expression soon turned to a smile. A very menacing smile.
“Fuckin’ squirrel!” He yelled as he rushed at the tree, and then knocked it down from the sheer force of a single headbutt.
The tree fell, landing in a loud crash. A squirrel was in fact in the tree and jumped to another to escape the potentially fatal crash. The goat saw it jump to the next tree. He snorted in anger at it and proceeded to knock down the next tree as well, while keeping his eye on the prize, the squirrel.
The fall of the green star did not go unnoticed in Canterlot, and from one of the castle’s many balconies that overlooked the kingdom below, the two ruling princesses of the land were having an argument.
“Luna, I still don’t think this is a good idea. Twilight and her friends are-.”
“Are not immune to the energies we sensed coming from that thing. You forget just because Twilight is an alicorn, it doesn't make her immortal like us,” Luna interrupted her sister.
“But-”
“Sister, I know what Twilight is capable of, but this time she must sit on the sidelines. If it makes you feel better I will not be going alone.”
“And who are you taking?”
As if Celestia’s question was a cue to enter, a certain Draconequus popped in wearing a tropical shirt, a stawl hat, and sunglasses.
“Ok Luna, I’m ready when you are,” Discord said as he floated next to the two royal alicorns, positioning himself as if sitting in a beach chair with his arms behind his head.
Celestia just looked at Discord in bewilderment before looking back at her sister, “You can’t be serious.”
“Very much so, like us he is immortal and -”
Before Luna could finish a loud crashing sound was heard off in the distance grabbing the attention of the two alicorns. In the distance they could see the Everfree forest, and the trees in it, falling one by one heading straight for the town that bordered the forest, Ponyville.
“It looks like time is against us. Come Discord!” Luna ordered as she flew off the balcony in the direction of the forest, hoping to intercept this unknown creature before it reached Ponyville.
Discord just snapped his fingers of his lion paw and teleported to Luna’s back, his attire changing from the tropical shirt to a suit of iron armor while wielding a lance in one hand.
“Onward my steed!” he shouted from Luna’s back.
“DISCORD!!!”
Another tree fell to the glowing green goat, and again the squirrel jumped to another tree.
“I’m gonna kill you, you furry assed bastard!” the goat yelled as it rammed the next tree.
The squirrel jumped to the next tree, however it was surprised when it gripped only empty air. Panicked, the squirrel waved wildly as it fell, but it never touched the ground.
The goat watched the squirrel as it flung around wildly in the air, his eyes growing as wide as a childs on christmas morning. He ran at the squirrel with lightning speed, the world slowing down around him. The squirrel was just inches from the ground, “YOU’RE BILLY’S NOW!” he shouted before grabbing it in his mouth. Billy then flung the squirrel back into the air, far enough away from the trees to keep it from escaping. “Say goodbye to this world you furry little bastard!”
As the squirrel fell all it could do was close its eyes and hope for the best, it was a vain attempt however. Billy positioned his head just right and the squirrel was impaled on the horn, the squirrels blood dripping down his face and finding its way to the corner of his mouth.
Billy used his tongue and licked the blood off the corner of his mouth, “Hummm, not the best, but not bad either… Fuckin’ squirrals.”
He continued to lick the side of his mouth as the squirrel continued to bleed out onto his head. He was unaware that he had left the forest he had landed in, or that he now had an audience.
The shy yellow pegasus, known as Fluttershy, who made her home on the forest edge was outside tending to her animal friends when she witnessed the event. She could only gasp in horror at the sight of the poor little squirrel being run through by the goat’s horn. Then the sight of the goat licking the blood from its face, it was too much for the meek pegasus to handle. She fainted, landing with a loud thump.
The sound of the yellow pony hitting the ground got Billy’s attention. He just looked at her for a moment, no expression on his face before tilting his head in confusion. Though the movement of his head tilting looked soft and gentle, there was enough force behind it to fling the now dead squirrel off his horn and into the underbrush of the forest.
“Now how in the Hell did I do that?” he asked himself as he began to approach the unconscious pony, “I don’t kill things by accident its not my -”
He stopped as he got closer to Fluttershy, now able to see her features more clearly, “Are those fuckin’ things wings?... I like wings.”
An alicorn screaming in anger and a draconequus roaring with laughter. That was the sound that filled the border of the Everfree forest... along with the snapping twigs as they passed through the forest canopy before crashing to the ground below.
Luna had tried to land on her hooves… but that was made impossible by the spirit of chaos himself, Discord. He had ridden on Luna’s back all the way from Canterlot wearing a suit of armor and wielding a lance, claiming to be a knight in shining armor while Luna was his steed. The added weight of the draconequus alone was enough to make flying troubling enough for Luna, but the weight of the armor and lance was too much even for her. Her flying was wobbly at best, and her landing… was painful. Yet somehow Discord was still on Luna’s back, unaffected by the crash landing.
“Discord!” Luna shouted only to be muffled by the ground her muzzle was in. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t buck that snaggle tooth of yours out!”
Discord stretched his body out and bent over so he could look at Luna face to face, even though his head was upside down. “Oh come now Luna, It wasn’t that bad, besides you asked for my help on your little endeavor.”
Luna let out a sigh as she stood up. “Will you at least get off my back?”
“Not till we find our... our… um… what are we looking for again?”
“Something that we have never encountered before, what it is we do not know. In fact what we did find out was what unsettled us the most. It performs fission on itself, then uses that gained energy to transmute itself back right afterwards at impossible velocity.”
Discord just stared at Luna for a second, blinking a few times before speaking. “I’m sorry, for a minute there I thought you were Twilight. Could you repeat that… in basic Equestrian this time please?”
“What we are looking for is a creature that breaks itself apart in a way that it releases untold amounts of energy, then pulls itself back together with said energy so quickly that its just barely noticeable,” Luna said, huffing with annoyance. “Now get off my back!”
“Not till we find our energy beast, now onward!” Discord said waving his lance forward, pointing into the forest and the line of trees that were knocked over.
Luna didn’t move.
“Um, Luna… That way,” Discord said as he pointed at the trail of fallen trees.
Luna just stayed motionless for a second with a bemused look. Then she started bucking, wildly turning and kicking in an attempt to get Discord off her back. It took Discord everything he had to remain seated on her back, grasping her mane with his free hand. It was a vain attempt however, and almost as quickly as Luna’s bucking fit began, it ended with one final buck that sent Discord flying into a nearby bush.
Discord popped out of the bush, no longer wearing the iron armor he had on before but now wearing a leather vest while wearing a stetson. In his hands he held a stopwatch which he was looking at with a hope-filled gaze.
“Seven-point-nine seconds,” he said while snapping his fingers. “Darn, you win again.”
“Discord, this is not the time for your games,” Luna scolded, “you have had your fun, now lets follow the path as it leads ‘out’ of the forest.”
“Fine,” Discord said as he began to walk out of the bush. “But one day, mock my words, one day I will stay on for the full eight -”
Discord stopped in his tracks. His foot had just stepped on something furry, and moist, and a faint squeak could be heard over a disgusting squishing sound that came from underneath him.
“Umm… Luna… I think I stepped in something.”
Luna turned to face Discord only to see the draconequus bent over in the bush. He soon stood back up right, with a squirrel, dead from a hole in its body, held in his claw.
“Discord...” Luna said, clearly disgusted by the dead squirrel, and the hole in the squirrel. “That… that is just gross.”
“For once I agree you, but.” Discord lifted the squirrel up to his face, his eye looking through the hole. “This hole is too well made and placed for an accident. I wonder...” Discord said as he put his talon on his goat horn, and with an audible pop plucked it from his head.
“Discord what are you-” she stopped at the squishing sounds of Discords goat horn entering the hole left in the squirrels chest. “- you just have your fun… I’m going to start looking for the creature.”
“Its a perfect fit!” Discord shouted as he inserted his goat horn into the squirrel. “Horn goes in, horn goes out!” Discord chuckled as he pulled the horn out… then stuck the horn back in. “Horn goes in, horn goes out!”
Luna turned away walked a few steps down the path, trying to escape the sickening sound of Discords horn going in and out of the dead squirrel. However she soon spotted something lying on the path, something that stopped her in her tracks. All thoughts about the squirrel vanished as the humming of her magic began to fill the air.
“Di...Discord…” Luna stuttered, worry and sadness filling her voice.
“Alright Luna, I think I can prove without a doubt that the killer of this poor squirrel is a goat… or in possession of a goat horn,” Discord said, not realizing Luna was calling for him.
“Discord...” Luna said raising her voice a little.
“Now all that is missing is motive. Why was this squirrel killed?” Discord now knew Luna was calling him but was ignoring her for his own enjoyment.
“Discord...” Luna said again, raising her voice a little more, but the worry still clear.
“Food? No or the body would not have been left. Parts? No, too small for how it was killed. Organs would be too badly damaged?”
“Discord!”
“WHAT! Can’t you see I’m trying to solve the case of this dead squ-” it was all Discord got out before he finally payed attention to Luna.
Discord was stricken by what he saw in Luna’s magical grasp. He dropped the squirrel and horn, letting them fall, and the thumping of them hitting the ground echoed in his ears. In Luna’s magical grip were a few bright yellow feathers.
“...no.”
Fluttershy’s eyes started to flicker open. “Uhhh….what happened?” she asked groggily as she sat up.
She looked around, seeing only the living room of her cottage, herself seated on the couch.
“Oh my, I must have dozed off. What a horrible dream,” she said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “What time is it?” She glanced at the clock hanging on the wall.
It read noon.
“Oh my, Its lunch time already, I need to get Angel Bunny his food.”
She pushed herself off the couch, her hooves making a clopping sound on the wood when she landed, and it echoed throughout the room. That is when she realized something was off. The room that was usually filled with the sound of little cute critters was dead silent save for her. She looked over the room and surely enough not a single animal could be seen or heard.
“Where did everyone go?”
“I’ll tell you where they're not.”
“EPP!”
Fluttershy turned around, frightened by the strangers voice. But an even greater fear struck her when her eyes met the owner. In front of her was the creature from her dream, the glowing green goat.
“It’s about time you woke up blessed Winged One,” Billy said, and despite the psychotic looking smile and twitching eye, he sounded very polite and formal. “I made you a grand stew while you were asleep. Thought you would be hungry and you had the proper ingredients in your kitchen.” He pointed to the end table that was next to the couch.
On it was the bowl he talked of, steam rising from it.
“Umm… Why are you-”
“No questions! Eat the stew I made for you!” he said pushing Fluttershy to the end table.
As she got closer she started to smell the stew… and it smelt heavenly. She could almost taste the boiled vegetables. Yet there was something different, something that was off. She couldn't place her hoof on it but it smelt good all the same.
“Now eat and be filled Winged One. I have a kitchen to clean.” Billy then disappeared into the kitchen.
Fluttershy watched as he left the room before turning her attention back to the bowl in front of her. It was rare that someone actually made a meal for her, and in her own house no less. She was still skeptical about the goat that was in her house, but he had been nothing but kind to her since she woke up. She grabbed the spoon and lifted up a mouth-full of the stew.
“Is… is that a potato?” she asked herself, staring at the white cube of food on her spoon. It looked like a cubed piece of potato but something was different about its texture. “Maybe its just how he cooked it.”
She took the first bite.
And her mouth exploded with flavor. What ever that was, it was no potato, and despite the weird stringy feeling of whatever it was, it tasted extraordinary. Fluttershy wasted no time finishing the rest of the bowl of stew, spooning it up as fast as she could. The stew was gone in less than a minute.
“Oh hey, I almost forgot about these, made them with the extra parts,” Billy said coming back out of the kitchen. as he did he threw an object on a string over to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy
kept kicking my hocks while I tried to make you comfy. So I killed it,” Billy said with a smile, “Thats when I remembered an old saying from my homeland, something about rabbit feet being fuckin’ lucky.”
“Angel… Bunny,” Fluttershy mouthed unable to actually utter the words.
“Then I used the rest of the rodent to make the stew.” Billy then took notice of the empty bowl. “It looks like you enjoyed it. Do you want another bowl?”
Fluttershy didn’t answer. Instead her eyes went to the back of her head as she fainted yet again after realizing what she had just eaten.
Author's Note
What to give a shout out to GnollReader for his help editing!
