Angry Sex is SO Worth the Four-hour Train Ride

by Brad the Browncoat Brony

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Crossover, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Romance
Length: 15036

Doctor Cobra and Dashing Knight are two of the most amazing fimfic readers ever to hit YouTube. What happens when you put their OCs in Equestria? What happens when those OCs have sex? Crazy sh*t, that's what!

Doctor Cobra and Dashing Knight are two of the most amazing fimfic readers ever to hit YouTube. What happens when you put their OCs in Equestria? What happens when those OCs have sex? Crazy sh*t, that's what!

First ever fic...and it's a clop... Hope you enjoy! (Not meant to be taken seriously at all. This was just for fun.)

Written for and dedicated to the couple themselves. Check out their reading channels and fimfic pages.

YouTube reading by the three of us coming soon eventually maybe never?...

Published 2014-01-27 05:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-27 05:40:05 UTC

Angry Sex is SO Worth the Four-hour Train Ride

RRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Dashing Knight slammed the accursed alarm clock with her hoof and slowly opened her tired violet eyes. It was that dreaded time of day again: the time where she had to get the fuck out of bed. She wished she could continue snoozing, but the dedication she had to her job commanded otherwise. The alicorn captain of the Royal Guard levitated the blanket off herself and threw it across the room, stretching her legs and wings as she yawned loudly.

As Dashing stepped onto the floor, she stared at the framed picture on her nightstand. The photo inside was of her with a short, white, earth pony stallion with a short, black mane, which contrasted with her own tall, black figure. The stallion wore a black-leathered lab coat, a blue-rimmed monocle, and a peculiar, black breathing mask. Dashing never really understood why he still wore the mask in the first place, but she did have to admit that it was kinda cute. Despite the mask, she could tell that he was smiling widely beneath it from the fullness of his blushing cheeks and the twinkle in his dark blue eyes. Each of them had their foreleg wrapped tightly around the back of the other’s neck. The picture was taken shortly after their first date.

“I really miss you,” Dashing whispered softly to the stallion in the picture. She thought back to when they first met.

*****

Dashing was on vacation in Ponyville when she first saw him, Doctor Cobra, in the marketplace. What first caught her attention was the mask; it, along with the monocle, made him look intimidating, menacing, and suspicious. Dashing was about to stride over to him to keep him from purchasing a lumpy-looking carrot he’d been examining and prevent whatever devious, evil-scientist-like plans he was scheming when two young fillies ran up to him urgently, pulling a third filly in a blue wagon behind them.

“Mr. Doctor Cobra, sir!” cried the one with the bow in her hair. “Scootaloo broke her scooter!” She pointed to the broken pieces carried in the hooves of the orange pegasus filly sitting in the wagon. The little pegasus was sobbing, too devastated to say anything.

“Can you fix it?” the little, white unicorn asked pleadingly. She looked to be on the edge of tears herself.

“Sure thing, guys,” Doctor Cobra said gently as he put down his carrot. “My experiment can wait; this is clearly more important. Come on, let’s go to my lab.”

The four took off in a hurry. Curious, Dashing stealthily followed them from a distance, alternating between walking, flying, and teleporting so as not to be seen. She stalked the group to the Ponyville Library. Dashing raised a brow in confusion as she watched them go inside the tree; the masked earth pony had specifically said they were going to his lab, yet this was the well-known residence of Princess Twilight Sparkle. What the hell was going on?

Dashing peered through the window and watched as the group rushed down into what looked like a basement. The royal librarian, sitting comfortably in her chair, looked up and gave them a friendly wave as they passed before returning her eyes to a book. This strange and suspicious-looking stallion knew the princess on a friendly level? Clearly she was missing something.

The alicorn guard sat down in the bushes in shock. Several long minutes passed before she heard the doorknob turn. Dashing quickly shook her head and brought her focus back to the present, teleporting to the highest tree branch as the door swung open. From there, she watched as the three fillies sprinted cheerfully out of the library, the masked stallion trotting behind.

“ThankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!” The orange pegasus screamed.

“Not a problem Scoots,” he replied. “Always happy to help.”

“But you have no idea how much this means to me! There aren’t enough ‘thank you’s in Equestria to express how happy I am that you fixed my scooter!”

“I didn’t just fix it Scootaloo; I modified it.”

“Modified it?” the filly with the bow asked.

“How?” asked the small, white unicorn.

“I’ve reconfigured the structure so as to make it faster and more durable,” explained the doctor. “Now you-”

“It can go faster now?! Scootaloo gasped. Her eyes went wide as he put on her helmet and hooked the wagon up to the back of her upgraded mode of transportation.

“And you can walk away from a collision or crash without it breaking again,” he confirmed. “But I still wouldn’t recommend being too-”
“Thanks again, Doc!” Scootaloo said hurriedly. She and her friends weren’t paying any attention to the stallion’s words as they assumed their riding positions. “You’re the best!” she shouted as they sped off.

“-fast… Heh, foals,” he chuckled.

Dashing facehoofed as she lay on the tree branch. She clearly made a mountain out of a molehill. She judged someone purely based on what they looked like on the surface. This was so uncool of her. How many times had she chastised others for doing the very same thing? Hopefully she could get out of there before she’d never be able to live it down.

“You can come out now.”

Dashing’s heart skipped a beat.

“I know when I’m being spied on,” the masked earth pony continued to call out into the open. “Come out now, and you will have nothing to fear.”

Embarrassed, Dashing tried to retain what little dignity she had left by majestically floating down from her perch. Doctor Cobra turned to face her.

“So,” he asked. “Why have you been following me?”

“Well…um…I…” Dashing stammered. She stared down at the ground, unable to make eye contact with him. “You looked…uh…y-you looked like…”

“Like a terrorist?” he chuckled. “Like I was up to no good?” He stepped closer to Dashing, bringing his face inches away from hers. “I get that a lot. Was it the mask?”

“I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I shouldn’t have judged you based on your appearance. That was really uncool of me. I mean, you need that mask to breathe for Celestia’s sake.”

Doctor Cobra took a step back. “Oh please,” he laughed, putting a hoof on his mask. “I haven’t needed this thing to breathe since I came here.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” he continued to explain. “I may not look like it, but I’m not originally from this universe, and I wasn’t always a pony.”

Dashing raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Do you realize how crazy that sounds?”

“Yes. But to be honest, I am a little crazy, so it’s alright if what I say sounds rather incredible. But getting back to the original point, in my universe, I was a human. When I came to this one, my physiology changed to that of a pony. In addition, I was magically cured of any ailments I had in my universe, so I haven’t actually needed this breathing mask since I came here.”

“So then why do you wear it?” Dashing asked, resisting the urge to drag the stallion to the nearest psych ward.

Doctor Cobra didn’t answer. He remained silent for a moment before asking, “Do you have a name?”

“Uh…” she said confused. “Dashing Knight. The name’s Dashing Knight.”

“Well, Dashing, if you couldn’t tell from your spying on me, my name’s Doctor Cobra,” he said with a bow. “What brings you to Ponyville?”

“Well, I’ve been given two weeks’ vacation time, and I figured I’d spend it in someplace quiet. My job can get pretty hectic and stressful.”

“And just what is your job, may I ask?”

“You’re looking at the newest captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard,” Dashing placed a hoof on her chest, gesturing to herself. “Ever since Captain Shining Armor left for the Crystal Empire to be with his wife, Canterlot’s been going through replacements like crazy, trying to find the right pony to fit into role. I’m their latest experiment.” She didn’t know exactly why she was boasting to a total stranger. Perhaps the position she held would offer some poor excuse to justify her previous actions.

Because you can do that when you’re in the government.

Doctor Cobra put a hoof to his chin. “Twilight mentioned something about the Guard changing captains every so often ever since her brother left. How long have you been promoted?”

“About four months,” Dashing shrugged. “So I’ve been at it for a bit longer than most replacements. But I’m curious, how do you know Princess Twilight Sparkle?”

“I’ve been living with her since I came here.”

“What?!” she asked incredulously, her eyes going wide.

“Yeah,” he continued. “Since I came here from another universe, I had nowhere to stay. Twilight said she wanted to study the effects of humans turning into ponies since she didn’t have time to study the effects of ponies turning into humans when she went to a different universe, so she let me stay at her library for a while. When I saw her basement laboratory, I asked if I could stay there longer than what we’d originally agreed upon. I was a scientist in my universe and just couldn’t let such a magnificent workplace go when it was so firmly in my grasp. She said I could stay there and use her lab as my workplace for as long as I wanted. I moved a mattress down to the basement and I’ve been living there ever since.”

Dashing’s eyes returned to their normal size as she blinked. “How long have you been living there?”

“About four months. Same as how long you’ve held your position as captain. Funny coincidence, eh?”

“You’ve been living with Princess Twilight for about four months, huh?” Dashing pondered. “How good is she in the sack?”

Doctor Cobra blinked in disbelief, blush forming around the edges of his mask. “I-I’m sorry?”

“C’mon,” Dashing pushed playfully. “You’ve been sleeping in a mare’s house for four months. If you guys aren’t related, and presuming neither of you two are gay, there’s no way you two could’ve been sleeping under the same roof and not had sex. No matter how much self-control either of you may possess.”

“How can you think such dirty things of your princess?” he asked in mocking tone, trying to avoid answering.

“I’m a total perv,” she said shamelessly. “Besides, it’s not as if the princesses never have sex. Hell, Princess Celestia calls a few guards up to her bedchamber for an orgy once every few days. Princess Luna’s been in on several of them. Buck, I’ve even been to a couple of them. Now spill. Have the two of you slept with each other or not?”

Doctor Cobra’s blush grew even redder as he looked down at the ground, softly kicking and pawing at the dirt.

“Oh goddess. Nice. Nice. Very nice.”

“It was a one-time thing!” he said quickly, his eyes closing tightly and his face reddening even more. “We inhaled too many chemical fumes from an experiment one time and became intoxicated!”

“But you have this mask on,” Dashing countered slyly, tapping his mask with her hoof. “Wouldn’t this thing filter it out?” She winked at him.

“Okay,” he corrected. “She became intoxicated by the fumes and I couldn’t say ‘no,’ alright?”

“Fair enough. I’m starting to doubt there was any intoxication involved to begin with, but I won’t pry any further. The blush on your face says it all.” She chuckled almost maniacally.

Doctor Cobra turned his head to the left, refusing to look at her. “First you make halfway false assumptions about me, and now you insist on tormenting me,” he said mockingly. “Are you trying to make my life miserable?”

“A living hell,” she joked. “Tell you what. How about I make up for it by treating you to dinner? Know any good restaurants around here?”

“I have a personal favorite,” he said, turning to face her once more. “Follow me. I’ll show you where it is.” He turned to walk away. “I hope you’re ready to pay for what you’ve done.” He chuckled at the bad pun.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dashing rolled her eyes as she trotted alongside him. Something suddenly clicked in her mind. “By the way,” she asked. “What did you mean when you said I made a halfway false assumption about you?”

Doctor Cobra turned his head to face Dashing’s as they walked, his eyes making it clear that he was grinning beneath his mask. “I guess you’ll find out at dinner,” he said slyly.

*****

Dashing ran a comb through her white-and-blue-striped Mohawk, trying to eliminate her bedhead as she thought about how great it’d be to see her coltfriend again. Every time the princesses allowed her a few days off duty, she’d take the soonest train to Ponyville. In the time she’d spent there, the good doctor had shown her around the town and introduced her to the ponies he’d befriended; Ponyville became a second home to her. She missed the ponies she’d befriended because of the doc, she missed the quiet change in scenery, and, most of all, she missed Cobra himself.

Being in a long-distance relationship really sucked. Sure, it made the time they got to spend together all the more special, and sure, they wrote letters to each other constantly, but the pain of being away from her special somepony really hurt like a bitch on most days. Occasionally, when Twilight, and/or her friends came to Canterlot on business, they’d bring the doc along, and he’d stay with her for a while. But that rarely happened. The worst part: she hadn’t seen him in over a month… which meant they hadn’t had sex in over a month.

The lengthy amount of time between proper releases was taking its toll on the mare. She hadn’t been able to sleep properly for several weeks; it took hours for her to fall asleep, and when she eventually did fall asleep, she was out so cold, and so tired in the morning, it took every ounce of willpower she had to wake up. Most of the time, her body wouldn’t allow her to sleep unless she took care of herself with her hooves, which luckily she could do without any intrusion since, as the Guard captain, she was given her own room.

In this past month, Dashing’s irregular and cut sleep pattern began to affect her focus on work. She never let her tiredness show, but behind her facade, she began to notice that she was spacing out and daydreaming, mostly about being rutted all night by her stallion.
Whenever Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna, hosted an orgy, her integrity was tested substantially. Not only did the temptation appeal to her need for release, but they were a lot of fun to attend.

“You can get through today,” Dashing told herself, ignoring the need that began stirring in her loins as she put on her armor and headed out the door. “Just focus on patrolling and standing around all day, and don’t think about sex, and you’ll be fine. Some breakfast should help get sex off your mind.”

She hurried down the hallway to the mess hall. Once there, she picked up a tray with her magic and levitated onto it some grub: two apples and a large breadstick. As she made her way over to her usual table, she suddenly felt a hoof on her shoulder. She turned to see that Princess Celestia was standing behind her.

“Hello, Captain,” she said softly. “Would you care to join us for breakfast?”

“Absolutely, Princess.” This wasn’t anything new. Every so often, the princesses would request the Guard captain to dine with them during mealtime to check in on everything going on with the Guard. Despite it being a semi-regular thing, and knowing the princesses on somewhat “personal and familiar” level, Dashing still found the invitation quite humbling.

Following Celestia to her and Luna’s private dining chamber, Dashing levitated her tray close behind her, balancing it on her back while using her magic to keep it steady. As they walked into the chamber, Luna gave friendly and enthusiastic wave to Dashing. Dashing smiled and waved back as she set her tray down on the circular table and she and Celestia took their seats.

“How’s the guard performing?” Luna asked, digging her levitating fork into her omelet. “Is everything up to par?” She took a quick bite.

“Absolutely, Princess,” Dashing informed. She raised a brow, grinning. “Permission to speak freely, Princess?”

“Permission granted and welcomed as always,” Luna smiled, taking another bite of the omelet. Celestia began scarfing down a thick stack of pancakes with a heaping amount of butter and syrup.

“Everypony’s in tip-top shape,” Dashing smiled sarcastically. “Everypony sticks to a strict regimen of standing around doing nothing and making intimidating faces. Their occasional walking immense fully strengthens their leg muscles, giving them a majestic bulk.” She chuckled at her jab at the Guard for being essentially useless ever since the royal wedding.

Celestia and Luna laughed in response.

“But in all seriousness,” she continued soberly. “Everypony takes their job seriously. Everypony is extremely disciplined and fully utilizes the gym after every shift. Even the new recruits are learning the hard way that, as big of a joke as we are, being a member of the Royal Guard is no laughing matter.”

“Splendid as always,” said Celestia.

“Indeed,” Luna agreed. “Now that business is out of the way, shall we get to the good stuff?”

Dashing rolled her eyes, smiling. She knew where this was going.

Celestia chuckled. “Eager, are we?”

“Oh shut up, sis.” Luna rolled her eyes and turned to Dashing. “I take it from your absence from our orgies that you are still dating that scientist in Ponyville?”

“Yes,” replied Dashing.

“And?” Both princesses asked, grinning.

“It’s good,” Dashing sighed. “It’s a little difficult at times with me being here and him being there, but we cope. We send letters back and forth all the time, blah blah blah, the usual.”

She looked down at her breakfast, about to take a bite of something when she noticed that at the end of the breadstick, the two apples were sitting right next to each other. Wait. Had she subconsciously arranged her breakfast to look like… a penis? The need began stirring in her loans again. No! She was supposed to keep her mind off of sex, not put herself in situations that reminded her that she wasn’t getting any. It didn’t help that the “Queens of Orgies” were sitting on either side of her at the table. Well, “Princesses,” but “Queens” sounded like a more fitting title in this instance.

Dashing cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably. “I guess I’m not very hungry,” she said, pushing her tray away and looking off to the side.

Celestia gave a hearty laugh. “It looks like somepony has a certain something on her mind.”

“I take it you are not going to eat that?” asked Luna.

“No.”

Luna took up the breadstick in her hooves, sucking and nomming on it lustfully.

“Ooo! Dibs on the balls!” Celestia exclaimed as she took a bite out of an apple and sucked on the juices.

Dashing facehoofed. Normally, she’d be playing along with this sort of thing, but her sexual frustration was making the situation feel uncomfortable.

“Tia, I’m thinking we should host another orgy tonight,” Luna said, swallowing a mouthful of bread. “This food is getting me in the mood.”

Celestia grinned. “I concur, sister. It’s been a whole four days since we’ve had one. I’m thinking we should set the sun early so we have more nighttime to play with.” She winked at Luna.

Luna’s eyes went wide. “I… I love you so much right now, Tia!” She leapt across the table, tackling Celestia and her chair to the ground, and starting making out with her. Celestia was a little surprised at first but then began to kiss back. The two alicorn goddesses began to embrace and feel up one another’s bodies lovingly, giving themselves a preview of what was to come later that night.

It took all of Dashing’s willpower to not join in, or even touch herself as she watched. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and tried to look away.

She cleared her throat again. “Ahem. Um, permission to be dismissed, princesses?”

The princesses’ heads shot up. “Hm?” asked Luna. “Oh, yes. Dismissed.”

“In fact,” Celestia added. “Take the day off. You’ve earned it.” She waved a hoof at Dashing.

Dashing got up from her seat and rushed out the door, not looking back as the royal sisters continued to make out.

*****

“Okay,” Dashing sighed as she removed her armor. “I’ve got the day off. I have all day to laze around and not think about sex. …Well maybe I can give myself a quickie later just to get rid of some of the buildup, but aside from that, I will not think about sex or how much I miss my coltfriend! I’ll just take a long nap and catch up on some much-needed sleep.”

She went over to her bed, pulled up the covers, and settled herself in, facedown. She closed her eyes and began to relax, her body melting away into pure bliss as comfort washed over her. She waited for herself to nod off. And waited. And waited. And waited. But sleep never came. She opened her eyes and glanced at her clock. The amount of time that had passed seemed like hours, but it had only been about five minutes.

“Well this is boring.” She got up and paced around, thinking, not feeling tired anymore for some odd reason. “Maybe I should go for a walk. A walk might relieve some of my stress.” She went over to her nightstand and pulled her purple, star-shaped earrings, silver necklace, and orange tinted sunglasses out of the drawer. She looked into the mirror above it as she put them on. This was her signature look; she wouldn’t be caught dead in public without these things on, at least not unless she was wearing armor.

Dashing left the room, shutting the door behind her, and began strolling down the hallway. As she made her way to outside the castle, she passed by her lieutenant for the second time that day. On the way to her room earlier, she’d informed him that she was given the day off and he’d in charge for the day. They saluted one another as she passed.

Dashing decided to canter a lot through the Canterlot Garden, wanting to take a scenic route normally abandoned except for the occasional tourist or somepony else that wanted to be alone. She walked around, admiring the statues, flowers, and styled hedges. She sighed in relief as she felt her frustration slowly melt away. She was alone and could finally relax. Nothing could possibly-

“Captain Dashing Knight. Fancy meeting you here.”

Great. Just what she needed: somepony talking to her. She turned to see Filthy Rich accompanied by his daughter, Diamond Tiara.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Rich,” said Dashing. “What brings you out here?”

“Diamond Tiara and I have been in Canterlot on business for a few days now. We’re leaving to go home to Ponyville today, but we wanted to tour Canterlot Garden before we left. Right, Tiara?”

“Yeah,” Diamond Tiara sneered. “I wanted to show Daddy where those stupid Cutie Mark Crusaders released Discord and nearly doomed all of Equestria.”

“Well, that’s not really a fair accusation to make,” said Dashing, defending the three fillies she’d come to know and grow attached to. “I mean, it was an accident-”

“Ugh, of course you’d be willing to defend those idiots,” Diamond Tiara snarked. “You’re that mare whose coltfriend is that psychotic doctor pony. You must be low enough to defend anything if you find that repulsive…thing…to be attractive in any way.”

“Repulsive? Psychotic?!”

“Diamond Tiara!” exclaimed Filthy Rich. “What have I told you about insulting ponies?”

“Thank you, Mr. Rich.”

“You’re not supposed to insult them to their face,” he said. “You have to speak ill of them behind their backs like everyone else.”

Dashing facehoofed. “My coltfriend is NOT psychotic!” Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich each raised a brow. “…Okay, he’s a little crazy. But he’s not psychotic!”

“Tsk,” Diamond Tiara continued. “One would think the captain of the Royal Guard would have better standards.”

Dashing gave her a deadly glare. “At least I have enough standards to not associate myself with spoiled trash like you!”

“Miss Knight!” Filthy Rich piped in as his daughter’s eyes went wide with shock. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t speak to my daughter that way.”

“You’re not much better, Filthy.” Dashing faced him with an equally contemptuous look. “One wonders where she gets it from. Your style of parenting is sick. Parenting isn’t like the other things somepony like you usually deals with; you can’t just throw money at it and expect problems to go away. And frankly, while your daughter may have a crueler, bitchier attitude than you, you’re a lot more gutless. At least she doesn’t hide behind a mask; she says things to ponies’ faces. I can at least respect that. You’re a coward.”

“…I’m ‘a coward,’ you say?” Filthy Rich asked angrily, losing it. “Fine then. You want me to say how I feel to your face? You want me to tell you what ponies are saying behind your back? Well then… Your coltfriend’s brain is more fucked up than that of an old mare with Alzheimer’s. That Pinkamina mare is more sane than him. Somepony of your stature who would sink as low as to willingly give their body too that freak of nature is nothing more than a common whore. You’re the most unprofessional of any guard captain to ever hold the title, and not just because of that. You dress and keep your hair like some sort of Tomboyish punk, and you treat your responsibilities like they’re a joke. You’re undeserving of your title and you’re a poor excuse for a high-class pony, if you can even be considered one.”

There was a long pause as the words sunk into Dashing’s mind and Filthy Rich breathed heavily with seething rage. Dashing took off her sunglasses, narrowed her eyes, and stepped forward, bringing herself nose to nose with the stallion as their eyes locked. Filthy Rich shuttered in fear, startled by the sudden invasion of his proximity and realizing that perhaps he’d gone too far in pissing her off.

“And fucking proud.” Dashing slipped her glasses back on and turned away from the pair, heading back to the castle and resisting the urge to buck the aristocrat in the face.

She wanted to go to the gym and buck at a punching bag, but somepony would undoubtedly see her there, and she didn’t feel like talking to somepony who didn’t really care. Even the princesses, who were doing only-they-know-what to each other while planning for their evening, wouldn’t be much help in consoling her. All of her frustration, both emotional and sexual, was building to a point where it could barely be contained. It needed to be released.

There was only on solution: she needed to see him. Now.

*****

Doctor Cobra sang to himself as he mixed boiling ingredients in a chemical flask. The singing helped him stay awake and concentrate; he’d been deeply involved with this project for the past month and had gotten very little sleep during most of it as a result. However, the lack of sleep didn’t hinder him as much as one would think. On the contrary, when he stayed up and worked into the late hours of the night, he would become loopy, zany, and delirious. And that was when he was at his best. The wackiness of his sleep-deprived mind gave him inspiration and drive, turning all outside distractions into helpful influences.

“Yeah, you… Shook me AAAAAAALL NIIIIIIIGHT LOOOOOOONG!” he sang deliriously as he shook the flask’s contents with the stirrer for what seemed to him to be all night long. He added another ingredient and continued stirring. “Yeah, you… Shook me AAAAAAALL NIIIIIIIGHT LOOOOOOONG!” He put on some blue oven mitts and used a pair of long, metal tongs to take the flask off the burner and move it to the refrigerator to chill. “Yeah, you shook me… Yeah, you shook m-”

“DOCTOR COBRA!”

Doctor Cobra turned around as he shut the mini fridge to face an irritated Twilight Sparkle with an equally irritated Spike lying face down on her back, both of them glaring at him with bagged eyes.

“Oh! Hey Twilight! Hey Spike!” he greeted obliviously. He checked his wristwatch to make sure he gave them the proper greeting. “Good morning! Say… You two look pretty tired.”

“Yeah. That’s because your singing kept us up ‘aaaaaaall niiiiiiight looooooong,’” retorted Spike as he made quotation marks with his fingers.

Doctor Cobra gasped in realization, then facehoofed, sighing. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about that. I didn’t realize my voice carried that much.”

“It’s fine,” Twilight deadpanned as Spike passed out from exhaustion on her back. “We’re going back to bed for a few hours to try and catch up on some of the sleep you’ve deprived us of, and I highly suggest you do the same. It’s really not good for you to be staying up so late and pulling all-nighters all the time.”

“Okay, Twi.”

Twilight closed her eyes and nodded triumphantly, but then opened them wide with shock and did a double take. “Wait. ‘Okay, Twi’? No ‘C’mon, Twilight. Five more minutes’? No ‘But I work best tired’? You’re actually going to bed without any resistance or pleading?!”

“Eeeeyup!” Doctor Cobra gave his best Big Mac impression.

“How much progress did you make last night?”

“Oh…Not much…I just, uh…finished the project!” he exclaimed triumphantly.

“You’ve finished?!” Twilight blinked in surprise.

“Yes. I’ve finished.” Doctor Cobra walked over to the mini fridge and took out the flask, holding it in the air triumphantly. “Behold! For I, Doctor Cobra, have discovered and invented the cure for gryphon AIDS! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!” He looked around, blinking in confusion. “...Wait. Where’s the fake lightning?” He trotted over to his Fake Weather Generator m2.6 and kicked it lightly. It whirred to life. “Ah, there we go. Damn thing doesn’t always work the way I want it to.” He paused for a moment. “…the cure for gryphon AIDS!” he repeated. Fake lightning flashed with fake thunder rolling over top of it. “Mwahahahahahahahahaha!”

“That’s great!” Twilight squealed, impressed. “When will the cure for pony AIDS be done?”

“At least another decade.” Doctor Cobra said, setting the flask on the worktable.

“…What?” Twilight gaped at him.

“If I cut some corners, nine years and eleven months.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped.

Doctor Cobra started laughing, a hearty chuckle gradually turning into hysterical cackle. He put his forehooves on his stomach and rolled on the floor, unable to contain himself.

“What’s so funny?” Twilight didn’t know how he could be laughing at something as tragic as AIDS not being curable, or at least, not for a long while.

Doctor Cobra wiped his eyes of the tears that had formed from his laughter. He then got up and lightly pounded Twilight’s shoulder. “I’m just messing with you, Twi.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I’m just kidding,” he confirmed. “Should be done in two weeks, tops.”

Twilight shook her head, smiling. “You are so weird.” She glanced at the sleeping Spike lying on her back and quickly remembered that he wasn’t sexually attracted to his own kind. “And dragon AIDS?”

“Same story, most likely.”

“Excellent!” Twilight clapped her hooves in anticipation. She then yawned unexpectedly. Doctor Cobra followed suit in contagious empathy, earning a chuckle from Twilight. “Well, we should probably get to bed.” She turned to head up the stairs. “Good night, Doc.”

“Good morning, Twi.”

Twilight snorted in amusement as she continued up the stairs. “Smartass,” she muttered under her breath.

“You’re one to talk,” Cobra replied, having heard her remark. Twilight stopped in her tracks to turn her head and glare at him. After a few seconds of looking at his shameless expression, she smiled in resignation.

“You’re right. I am one to talk.” She continued up the stairs. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Doctor Cobra’s eyes suddenly went wide as another song popped into his head. “Good morning! Good Morning! It’s great to stay up la-”

“NO!!!” An angry Twilight turned around and dashed back down the stairs. “No more singing! Go to bed!”

“Yes, Twilight…” Doctor Cobra said in disappointed a tone that resembled how a child would say it to a parent. He trotted over to his mattress and flopped down upon it as Twilight flew back up the stairs, shutting off the lights and closing the door behind her. He closed his eyes and instantly succumbed to a deep slumber.

*****

“You really love her?” McCullen asked Duke in a jealous tone. “Could you imagine a life without her?”

Duke pointed a pulse gun in the direction of McCullen and Doctor Cobra as he stood over the unconscious body of his ex-fiancé, McCullen’s mind-controlled plaything, and Cobra’s sister, Ana “The Baroness” Lewis. Doctor Cobra was about to inject Duke with nano-mites and turn him into his own personal soldier when Ana intervened and set Duke free. Doctor Cobra had no choice but to use his remote to command the nano-mites he’d injected into her to put her under. He was threatening Duke that he’d end her life if he didn’t stand down when McCullen walked in and got involved.

“All I know is neither of you deserve her!” cried Duke.

I don’t deserve her? Doctor Cobra thought. You left her where I loved her! You took away her will to live where I gave her purpose! She’s my sister! If I don’t deserve her, NO ONE does! Least of all YOU!

“That’s it!” Doctor Cobra announced, holding up the remote. “She dies!”

“Don’t do it, Rex!” shouted Duke.

Suddenly, McCullen pulled a flamethrower on Duke and fired at him. Instinctively, Duke fired the pulse gun at McCullen, sending the flame back in a small explosion that sent everyone in the room flying backwards. No one was injured save for McCullen, whose face was severely burned.

Duke crawled over to Ana. “I’m going to get you out of here,” he vowed.

The entire underwater base was shaking, ready to collapse and flood. Cobra couldn’t deny it; the Joes were winning this round. All he could do was flee. He got up and ran over to McCullen.

“Get up.” Doctor Cobra grabbed him and pulled him to his feet. “You’re coming with me.” They fled the room, not paying any attention to what was going on with Duke and the Baroness.

It’s okay. Cobra thought to himself. Everything will be fine. I’ve somehow planned for this. All I have to do is get us to a submarine and escape the base. Then, I heal McCullen with a nano-mite injection and rename him Destro, I put on a new mask and assume the role of Commander, and we get captured by the Joes when our sub gets intercepted. Several years later, Duke will die in a lame explosion when Storm Shadow frames Snake Eyes for an assassination and the Joes all get terminated in response, so I won’t have to deal with the personal confrontation, or any of the Joes at all. Then, Storm Shadow will get himself captured and free me, leaving Destro behind and wasting a perfectly good vile of nano-mites, I’ll change my mask a second time, making the first mask change pointless, and we’ll take over the world using an even bigger and better weapon than the nano-mite warheads. In fact, this was all just an elaborate distraction to kidnap the president and replace him with Zartan. My plan is perfect! We just have to get to that submarine, and I’m set!

Suddenly, the hallway exploded, enveloping everything in white. After what seemed to him like a few minutes of feeling absolutely nothing, Doctor Cobra lost consciousness, and everything went black.

*****

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Doctor Cobra cried out in agony. He shot up, suddenly waking in a cold sweat. He breathed heavily, trying to make sense of where he was. As he began to slow down his breathing, he put a shaky hoof to his forehead, trying to think and get his bearings.

Wait. Hooves? Not…hands? He moved the appendage to in front of his eyes so he could examine it more closely.

“Oh thank Celestia!” he cried in relief. He looked around the room and saw that he was still in the basement laboratory of Twilight’s house. “It’s over! It’s all over!”

He trotted from his mattress over to the sink to pour himself a glass of water. He tore off his mask guzzled down the glass’ contents, his body noticeably relaxing the instant the cool liquid hit his lips. When he finished, he inhaled deeply and held his breath for a few seconds. He set the glass in the sink, sighing in content on the exhale.

“That’s it,” he smiled, putting his mask back on. “No more singing ACDC before bed.” He laughed at his own joke, trying to calm himself down. It’d been a while since he’d had a flashback.

It’d been almost a year since Cobra came to Equestria, but he could still remember the pain like it was yesterday. The explosion that should have killed him somehow opened a wormhole in the time-space continuum. Upon exiting the wormhole, he was magically transformed into a pony and cured of all ailments and wounds he’d had in his own universe. The transformation process was quite painful, however. He remembered waking up in the Everfree Forest feeling as if every bone in his body had been broken, reconstructed, and rearranged.

On top of that, he was scared and confused. He should have died in that explosion. Instead, he found himself alone in a forest in a body that wasn’t even his own. He wondered if this was his afterlife. It wasn’t long after he woke up before Fluttershy found him. She’d been out in the forest conversing with her animal friends when she’d heard the commotion he’d been making. The fact that a talking pegasus stood before him shocked him even more than the fact that he was still alive, or even that he was in a pony body himself.

Doctor Cobra followed Fluttershy into town where she introduced him to her friends, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle, and he tried to explain what he knew of his situation to them. Twilight took an interest in him immediately, saying that she’d once been in a human world and turned into a human and that witnessing the other way around was astounding. She asked him if she could take him to her lab and study the effects on him. He agreed immediately, as she had him at the word “lab.” As the pair walked away from the rest of the group, promising to fill them in later, Pinkie Pie called out to the Doc.

“It’s a good thing you came here! It saved you the trouble of having to be in a disappointing sequel!”

“What?” Cobra had asked.

“Oh nothing,” she responded quickly.

“That’s just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie,” Twilight had explained. “She can be pretty random sometimes.”

After the pair made it to the library, Twilight made Doctor Cobra go through a full and thorough physical. It turned out that he was healthy and in amazing shape. He didn’t even need to wear his breathing mask anymore, and the mane on his head was a real mane, not just a wig. He still chose to keep the mask on out of preference, however.

After the physical was completed, Cobra examined the laboratory equipment with amazement, telling Twilight that she had a nice setup and that he’d been a scientist back in his own universe. They spoke for hours about science-related topics, and as they did, he noticed that he was speaking to her with the vocabulary and mannerisms similar to that of a twenty-two-year-old cartoon-loving geek in combination with his own; it felt strange, but at the same time right.

When the time eventually came for them to go to bed, Cobra asked Twilight if he could sleep down in the lab, insisting that it would make him feel more at home. Upon saying yes, Twilight magically filled up an air mattress for him to sleep on.

As he laid down on the mattress for the first time, Doctor Cobra finally had time to evaluate and process all of the overwhelming information he’d absorbed that day. He was now a pony in another universe, quite possibly dead, and he had no way of returning home. He didn’t have anything on him from the universe he hailed from except for his coat, monocle, and mask. No weapons, no tools, no samples, no notes, no nothing. He was starting a brand new life in a brand new universe in a brand new body. Now what to do with it.

Hours ago, he was few easy steps and several years of waiting away from having the world under his control, and now, he had nothing. He had to start from scratch. Starting tomorrow, he’d learn all about this new world, befriend the foolish ponies, and lure them into a false sense of security. Then, using the inventions that he’d create in the lab he slept in, he would rise up and take over this new land. All the power would belong to him. Where it belonged.

The next morning, Twilight showed him around Ponyville, introducing him to everyone they came across and explaining to him how things worked in the world of Equestria. The new information was a lot for him to process, but he managed to absorb it all at a decent pace. In addition, Ponyville’s inhabitants seemed to accept Cobra quicker Twilight anticipated. This didn’t completely come as a shock, however. After all, he wasn’t the first doctor to arrive in Ponyville from another universe.

After the tour of Ponyville, Twilight took Doctor Cobra back to the library where the pair did a lot of reading together, so he could get an even better background of the universe. He read nonstop for several days until he’d read every book in the library, except for the Darin’ Do books, insisting that there was no point in reading fiction for him to understand the physics, metaphysics, and history of Equestria. However, when Twilight told him that Darin’ Do was a real pony and that all the stories were based on true events, he agreed to read them at some other point in time.

Cobra thought back to when he finally read the series. It felt so good to geek out about a “fictional” storyverse with Twilight and Rainbow Dash as the three talked about what the mares referred to as “feels” and debating about whether or not “shipping” Darin’ Do and Ahuizotl was a good idea.

“It totally is!” defended Rainbow Dash.

“Is not!” objected Twilight “She’s the hero, and he’s the villain. It would never work out.”

“She even said that she loved him! I was there!”

Twilight facehoofed. “She was clearly making a joke.”

“So? Everypony knows that the love-hate relationships are always the best ones. Just look at Rarity and Applejack.”

There was a pause before everypony burst out laughing.

“Nice one, RD,” chuckled Cobra.

“But no, seriously, five bits says those two end up together. Their sexual tension is so obvious!”

“I don’t know,” Cobra replied thoughtfully. “I don’t think you’re giving the little guy enough credit.”

“Spike?” Rainbow and Twilight asked in surprise.

“Why?” asked Twilight.

“I don’t know. I guess I just believe in the guy.”

“Pfft. You’re on! Five bits!” Dash and Cobra shook hooves, making their wager concrete.

“And when I win,” Doctor Cobra grinned beneath his mask. “Double or nothing that Applejack ends up with you.” He winked at her.

Rainbow Dash blinked in confusion, then grinned devilishly as she began to hover in the air. “Easiest ten bits I’ll ever make!” she declared. “Catch you guys later. Got some practice I need to get in.” She waved as she took off.

“Well that was foolish of you,” Twilight remarked.

“Huh?” Doctor Cobra looked to Twilight. “Why?”

“Well, even if you end up being right about Rarity getting together with Spike, you’ll just be giving Rainbow her money back because you put the odds heavily in her favor.”

“On the contrary, Twi,” he crooned. “The odds are in my favor.”

“How?!” Twilight asked incredulously. “You gave her the capability of manipulating the results!”

“True,” he confirmed. “That is one small advantage she has, but biology still puts the odds in my favor.”

“Huh?”

“Simply put, the obvious sexual tension and attraction between Rarity and AJ may be strong, but the even more obvious sexual tension and attraction between AJ and Dash is even stronger. It doesn’t matter that Dash thinks she has the upper hand by being in what she thinks to be control of the results or that she hates to lose. She won’t be able to resist giving into Applejack’s lust. Her desires will end up getting the best of her, and victory will be mine.”

Twilight stared at him in awe. “That actually makes a lot of sense…”

“Of course it does,” Doctor Cobra winked at her. “Anyhow, I’m going to go for a walk. See you later.”

“Weren’t you going to go back down to the lab and tinker?” Twilight asked.

Tinkering. He’d completely forgotten about it. For the past month, he’d been down in the lab tinkering with materials he’d bought with bits he’d borrowed from Twilight, secretly building weapons that he’d use to take over Equestria. Twilight had been kind enough to give him his privacy, so she was completely oblivious to what he’d been doing. He’d already manufactured a 45 pistol with a few bullet clips, a magicproof vest, and various serums. And he was currently in the process of building a bomb with enough power to destroy Canterlot Castle. However, his ambitions seemed to be becoming less of a priority, and seemed to have slipped his mind completely today.

Odd. His goals, his motivation for existence, had been momentarily forgotten.

Doctor Cobra shrugged off his thoughts as he gave Twilight a response. “Maybe later. I should probably get rid of some pent up energy. It’s not too healthy for me to be cooped up working all the time.” That sounded like a good excuse.

“Okay then,” said Twilight. “See you later.”

As Doctor Cobra walked out the door of the library, he wondered why he really wanted to be outside instead of working. He wandered the streets of Ponyville in deep thought. A few of the residents he came across greeted and waved to him, and he greeted and waved back. He felt…an odd sensation he hadn’t felt in a long time…an odd sensation he couldn’t quite place his finger-erm-hoof on. He occasionally stopped to have conversations with some of the ponies he greeted, and he was genuinely interested in what they had to say. The more he talked to other ponies, the more sensation he felt. Slowly, he began to understand what it was.

For the first time in a long time, he felt…happy.

All his motivations and ambitions for taking over Equestria were beginning to take a back seat because he felt happy. He had come to enjoy this world for what it was. He was quite content making friends, a luxury he hadn’t had in years.

He’d often said “science requires sacrifice,” but was every sacrifice he’d made worth it? His family? His friends? His happiness? His sanity? Was losing all of that worth a few microscopic robots capable of turning men into mind-controlled brutes and towers into rubble? Was it even worth the power he once had so close within his grasp? He was beginning to think it wasn’t.

Doctor Cobra had eventually found himself back at the library, his head drooping as he trotted in. Twilight looked up from her book as she heard the bell above the door ring.

“Hey Doc,” she greeted as he came in. “Have a nice walk? You were gone for quite a while.”

Doctor Cobra didn’t look up to face her as he headed for the basement door. “Yeah. It was good. Hey, um, I’m gonna turn in early, okay?”

Twilight looked up the clock. “But it’s only 6:17,” she said. “And we haven’t even had dinner yet. Is something wrong?”

“I’m fine, Twi,” he lied, putting his hoof to the doorknob. “I’m just tired. Good night.”

Twilight opened her mouth, about to press the matter further, but then decided not to pry. “Um, okay… Good night, Doc.”

Doctor Cobra trotted slowly down the stairs and over to his mattress. His eyes slowly shifted over to his workspace. He stared at it for a moment before trotting over to it and removing the tarp laying over the pile of items next to the worktable. He stared at the items meant to bring destruction, and tears came to his eyes. He sat down, put his face in his hooves, and sobbed, detesting the monster he’d become.

“I’m sorry, Ana,” he cried. “I’m sorry, Duke. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

He had eventually cried himself to sleep, lying on the floor in front of his work.

He woke up sore the next morning, knowing what he had to do. The gun and vest could still be kept and used for self-defense, and the various serums could still be useful in a non-violent way. But the bomb had to be disposed of…

Doctor Cobra knocked on the door of the Cutie Mark Crusader’s treehouse. “Is anyone there?” he asked. He knew they were; Scootaloo’s scooter and wagon were there beside the tree. And that’s what he needed to borrow: the wagon. He knew there were probably a lot of ponies that owned wagons that he could borrow from, but they’d probably ask him what he needed it for. He couldn’t just tell an adult pony that he needed to dispose of something; that’d sound suspicious to them. The CMC, however, probably wouldn’t give his answer a second thought.

The three fillies opened the door. “Hiya Mister!” greeted Applebloom.

“What’s up?” asked Scootaloo.

“Well,” Doctor Cobra explained. “I need to move something that’s a little heavy, and so I was wondering if I could borrow your guys’ wagon.”

The three fillies looked at each other in confusion. “Why do you need to borrow our wagon?” asked Sweetie Belle. “I mean, not that we mind, but isn’t there somepony you know better than us who has one?”

“Well, uh, yeah…” he stammered. “But I don’t want to borrow just any wagon for this job. I need the coolest, most awesomely awesome wagon in all of Ponyville!” He tried to sound as convincing as possible. It was a good thing he had a mask on; the grin he wore underneath it was so painstakingly fake.

Applebloom gave Cobra a knowing look. “You’re tryin’ to get rid of somethin’ illegal, ain’tcha?”

“Wha? I, uh… Yes…” Doctor Cobra admitted. “Please don’t tell anyone!” he begged.

“Don’t worry, yer secret’s safe,” Applebloom assured. “I run these sorts of errands for my older siblin’s and Fluttershy all the time.”

Doctor Cobra sighed in relief. “Thanks Applebloom. …Wait… What kinds of illegal things do Applejack, Big Mac, and Fluttershy dispose of?!” He could hardly see the Apples doing anything illegal, as honest as they were, but Fluttershy of all ponies was even more shocking.

“Hey!” Applebloom retorted. “I don’t go around tellin’ everypony what skeletons you got layin’ around in yer closet. Don’t you go pryin’ into theirs.”

“Sorry,” Cobra apologized. “I’m just a little surprised is all. So can I borrow it then?”

“Not a problem,” Applebloom said. “Just one condition.”

“Condition?”

“We get to come with.”

“What?!”

“It’ll look less suspicious that way,” Applebloom offered. “Children make every illegal activity look less suspicious. …Well, except child molestin’, but that’s a given.”

Doctor Cobra put a hoof to his chin as he considered this. “No questions asked?”

“No questions asked.”

“Deal.” The two hoofbumped in agreement.

“Alrighty then,” Applebloom said enthusiastically. “Let’s get a move on! CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS EVIDENCE DISPOSERS!”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS EVIDENCE DISPOSERS!” the other two chimed in.

The four hauled the wagon with the tarped bomb over to a barren cliff overlooking a barren valley. Doctor Cobra removed the tarp from the device.

“Now, when I throw this thing off the cliff,” he explained. “Grab the wagon and run.”

“Run?” asked Scootaloo. “Why?”

“Just do what he says, guys,” grinned Applebloom. “We’ll get to live to see quite a show.”

Doctor Cobra used every ounce of earth pony strength he had to lift the bomb from the wagon and toss it over the cliff.

“RUN!” he and Applebloom shouted together. The four ran as fast as they could, the wagon following close behind them. Once they were a safe distance away, they stopped and turned around to see a giant mushroom cloud exploding in a brilliant, flaming orange. The four were too far away and too awestruck to notice or hear the agonizing howls of over a hundred dying diamond dogs that had been living underground at the explosion’s epicenter.

“Well,” Doctor Cobra stated as the smoke began to dissipate. “We survived, and there doesn’t appear to be any collateral damage,” he said, oblivious of the fact that he unknowingly killed countless diamond dogs. “That went better than I expected.”

“Says you maybe,” Scootaloo said, looking at her flank in disappointment. “We didn’t get our cutie marks in evidence disposing!”

“Well, that’s probably a good thing,” Sweetie Belle pointed out. “We wouldn’t really be good at our jobs if our secret was plastered to our flanks.”

“Huh,” Scootaloo said thoughtfully. “I guess you’re right.”

“Well, in any case,” Cobra continued. “Thanks for the help, guys. I really appreciate it.”

“It was our pleasure Mr. Doctor Cobra, sir,” replied Applebloom. “Don’t mention it.”

Ever since then, Doctor Cobra had been trying to make up for and forget about his past. Instead of using his workspace to build things with the intention of hurting ponies, he instead used his time and talents to create things to either help out his friends, benefit all of ponykind, or just have fun. He developed a fertilizer to help the Apple’s crops grow even bigger and tastier, he invented shoes that would allow non-pegasus ponies to walk on clouds without the use of a cloudwalking spell, he invented pens and pencils to replace quills, and he even created a powder that made haybacon taste like real bacon, since the only real downside to living in this universe was that he could no longer eat meat, with the exception of eggs and occasionally seafood. Here and now, he was formulating the cure for AIDS. In his mind, Cobra might not have completely atoned for his sins, but everything he’d done so far was a good start.

Nopony knew about what he’d done in his own universe except Dashing Knight, and nopony at all knew about what he’d first planned on doing in this one, save for what little the Cutie Mark Crusaders knew about his bomb. He planned to keep it that way; the pain he carried with him every day was punishment enough. The only consolation he had to get him through the pain was the love and friendship he had with those closest to him, especially Dashing. She was the anchor to his ship, the one thing he couldn’t go through this universe without.

Doctor Cobra began to trot back over to his mattress to get in a few more hours’ sleep before continuing his work on an AIDS cure when a scroll magically teleported in front of him. A letter from Dashing. He gulped, thinking that there was no way the letter could be holding good news. It was probably an angry letter demanding why he hadn’t responded to the one she’d sent three weeks ago. He’d been too busy with his project to even read it, let alone respond to it. Sweating, he cautiously opened the scroll and prepared for the worst…namely, a breakup from the most amazing mare he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing, all because of his negligence.

Hey Doc,
You. Me. Bed. NOW!
Some asshole really pissed me off today and I REALLY need to blow off some steam. Not to mention, I’m horny as fuck! The train just left, so I’ll be there in about four hours. Drop whatever you’re doing and get ready to pleasure me. I’m not in the mood to take “no” for an answer.
Love,
Dashing

Doctor Cobra reread the letter three or four times to make sure he’d read it right. Dashing wasn’t mad at him? They weren’t breaking up? And on top of that, she was coming over for sex? He wasn’t expecting that at all!

“Well,” he chuckled to himself as he rolled up the letter and put it on the bench. “It certainly could have been worse.”

As he laid down on his mattress, he wondered why she was always taking the train. She was an alicorn, which meant she had the option of flying or teleporting. Either way was faster.

“Maybe she just feels like taking the train,” Cobra mumbled as he nodded off.

*****

Dashing Knight did NOT feel like taking the train. The food service was out of peanuts, the baby foal sitting behind her wouldn’t stop crying and throwing up, and worst of all, in the seat across the aisle from her sat the secondary source of her anxiety: Filthy Fucking Rich and Diamond Fucking Tiara. The two took the seat across from her last minute as the train began to move, not knowing she was there. When they noticed her, the two awkwardly shifted in their seats, looking around for another spot to sit in. Upon seeing that they were stuck there, the two did their best to ignore her, and she did the same. Occasionally, Filthy Rich and Dashing would glance in the other’s direction and lock eyes, giving each other death glares. Dashing wasn’t sure if her sunglasses held back her death glare or intensified it. She looked at her watch; it had only been twenty minutes.

Three hours and forty minutes left of having to deal with this?! Dashing thought to herself. This is insane! She closed her eyes and tried to take a nap to pass the time, but just as it refused to in her own bed, sleep never came to her. What the hell am I going to do? she wondered. This is so boring. She wished she’d have brought her Pontendo 3DS so she could kill some time kicking Button Mash’s flank over and over again in Pokémare Wi-Fi battles, but she hadn’t thought of bringing anything to do when she got on the train. She never even went back up to her room before she left; she just headed right from the garden to the train station. She’d even settle for a newspaper right now.

She looked out the window to gaze at the scenery: nothing but trees. Trees reminded her of poles. Poles reminded her of dicks. Dicks reminded her of sex. Sex reminded her that she had to wait—she glanced at her watch—three and a half hours before she could get some.

Why do I have to have such a perverted mind? Dashing thought to herself.

She sat there, her head against the window, for what seemed like eternity. Her mind dulled and her body went limp with boredom. It was like sleeping but not as pleasant. It felt…empty. She felt herself slowly wasting away into nothing. When her mind eventually “woke up” and she felt herself come into being again, she glanced at her watch again. Two hours and fifteen minutes left.

This fucking train! Can’t this fucking thing go faster? Ugh! I wish I could just teleport! Dashing’s eyes went wide with realization, and she facehoofed. Of course. All this time, she’d been wasting time and money on train rides and tickets when she could’ve easily just teleported to Ponyville.

Dashing got up from her seat and trotted over to the restroom, shutting the door behind her without locking it. She needed a quiet place to focus, as long-distance teleportation took more concentration than that of short-distance. She sat down on the toilet visualized her destination: outside the Ponyville Library. A flash of blue light exploded around her, and she instantly found herself exactly where she wanted to be.

“‘Hell’ to the ‘yeah,’” she muttered to herself as she trotted up to the door and knocked. Twilight answered the door. “Hey, Twilight.”

“Oh!” exclaimed a surprised Twilight. “Hi, Dashing.”

“Is the Doc here?”

“Yeah, he’s downstairs sleeping,” Twilight informed. “He told me you were coming today, but we weren’t expecting you for another few hours.”

“Yeah,” Dashing chuckled guiltily. “I guess I kinda decided to show up early.”

“Well, please, come in,” Twilight invited. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Blood please.”

“I’m sorry?” Twilight said, confused.

“I’m just messin’ with ya, Twi,” Dashing snorted. “Actually, I hear Fluttershy has a special herbal tea that can calm anypony down. You wouldn’t happen to have any, would you? I feel like I’m really gonna hurt somepony.”

“Sorry, I don’t,” Twilight said dejectedly. “It was all confiscated last year when we found out that it was made of an illegal plant she’d been secretly growing in her house. She got a reduced sentence of two hours community service since she was an Element of Harmony and she’s my friend, but we couldn’t let her keep any of it. I’ve been trying to get it legalized since it has so much medical potential, but so far, no luck.”

“Damn conservatives and their anti-hemp laws,” Dashing muttered. “Just some water’ll be fine then.”

“Okay.” Twilight magically levitated a glass from the cupboard over to the sink and started the water from where she stood. The glass quickly filled and she brought it over to them, levitating it in front of Dashing. “So what exactly is wrong? The message you sent to Doc seemed a bit vague to me.”

“You read it?” Dashing asked surprised, taking the glass from twilight using her own levitation spell.

“Please,” Twilight scoffed. “I read everything, and I. Mean. Everything.” The emphasis she put on “everything” made Dashing feel uncomfortable, as if she were implying that she was omniscient of every piece of writing and print in existence everywhere. “Now, do you want to talk about the nitty-gritty of your distress, or not?”

Dashing hesitated, but then quickly filled her in on what happened that morning, starting from breakfast with the princesses and ending with the argument that initiated her trip to Ponyville.

“That bastard!” Twilight exclaimed. “And that bitch!”

“Yeah,” Dashing agreed. “I’ve just been feeling so angry and horny lately that I just need to release it all, you know?”

“Well, not really, to be honest,” Twilight admitted. “But I can well imagine.”

“Oh, but of course. Sexual deviance is all but a foreign concept to you,” Dashing joked. “I guess you didn’t learn everything Celestia had to teach after all, huh?”

“Actually,” Twilight confessed. “I’m surprised I kept my virginity in that place. The minute I was at the age of consent, Celestia really wanted it gone. She threw her orgies more and more frequently, begging me to come to them. She just never understood that I just wasn’t as interested in sexuality as she was. Granted, it did appeal to me, but I wanted lose my innocence on my own time and my own terms. I was really proud of myself, when I decided to stay in Ponyville, that I got out of Canterlot with it still intact.”

“Just remember that the awesome stallion that you finally lost it to is my coltfriend,” Dashing teased in a mockingly jealous tone.

Twilight flushed. “It was a one-time thing! And I was intoxicated from inhaling too many chemical fumes!”

“Hey, I’m just messin’ with you, Twi,” laughed Dashing. “Geesh, you’re as bad as he is. I’m surprised you guys haven’t figured out that I only bring it up to get you two all flustered.”

Twilight glared at her, blushing furiously.

“So what’s new with you?” asked Dashing, trying to change the subject. “You seemed a bit distressed when you answered the door. Everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” Twilight replied, her face returning to its original color. “Just a little tired. Your coltfriend kept me up all night last night.”

“…What?!”

Twilight realized what she just implied. “Oh, no! Nonononononononono! Not like that! I meant his singing kept me up all night. We didn’t…no…” She felt her face redden again.

*****

“Wake up, Bitch!”

Doctor Cobra slowly opened his eyes and looked up to see a smiling Dashing Knight staring down at him. The smile she wore was her signature smirk that, to him, always seemed to say, “You’re going to fuck me right here, right now, whether you feel like it or not, so don’t even try to resist me, and just give in already!” It was never easy to resist that smile.

But of course, just because his smartass personality loved teasing her, he always had to.

“Five more minutes, mommy,” he joked. “I don’t wanna go to school.”

“Very funny, Doc.” Dashing rolled her eyes. “Now, either get up, or roll over. I’m not in the mood for resistance.”

“I don’t know…” Cobra pushed. “I have a lot of work to do today… I have to create a cure for pony AIDS… Perhaps we should postpone-”

“Fuck pony AIDS!” shouted Dashing. “I’m going to fuck you right here, right now!”

“Said every teenager who’s ever had unprotected sex,” Cobra chuckled.

“Fuck you,” retorted Dashing.

“Time, place, how hard, and in what position?”

Dashing smiled. She was finally getting somewhere. “Right now, right here on this bed, very hard, and apparently “mare on top” since you’re being so difficult.”

“Hmm…” Doctor Cobra put a hoof to his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “I’ll have to check my schedule to see if I’m fre-”

Dashing magically flipped him onto his back, not letting him finish. Using her magic, she took off her sunglasses and gave Cobra a lustful gaze as she set them on the worktable. She started unbuttoning his coat.

“Rape!” Cobra mockingly shouted. “RAPE! I’m being raped!”

“Yes you are,” Dashing said sarcastically as she removed the coat and levitated it over next to her glasses. She slowly removed Cobra’s mask from his muzzle, revealing a giant grin plastered to his face. She forcefully pressed her lips to his, each of them eliciting a soft moan.

“No I’m not,” he whispered teasingly. “It’s not rape if you enjoy it.” He leaned up and kissed her again, harder this time. “And I’m definitely enjoying this.” He took of his monocle and tossed it to the side; it made a sickening crack as it hit the concrete floor.

“That doesn’t sound good,” Dashing noted.

“It’s fine,” Cobra assured. “I have two extra ones. Now, where were we?”

“Right about here.” Dashing pushed her lips back to his and snaked her tongue into his mouth.

“Mmph! Mmmm…” Doctor Cobra was startled for a moment, but then relaxed as he pushed back with his own tongue, maneuvering it with erotically stylized movements and techniques. The two tongues brushed up against and caressed each other, once again eliciting a soft moan from the pair. Doctor Cobra felt his cock slowly unsheathing itself and growing harder. It brushed against Dashing’s leg, exciting her pussy and making it slightly wet. Several minutes passed before the couple broke away for a breath.

“I’ve been waiting over a month for a kiss like that,” cooed Dashing. “You’re as great a kisser as ever.”

“They don’t call me ‘Cobra’ for nothing,” he joked, flicking out his tongue and receding it back into his mouth in one quick motion. The two chuckled.

“Well then,” Dashing said slyly. “How about we take care of that little snake that’s been brushing against my leg?” She slid her hoof down his stomach and reached for it. When she grasped it, she noticed something felt…off… She looked down at it and gasped in surprise.

“He’s not so little anymore,” Doctor Cobra bragged, pleased with Dashing’s reaction. Between his legs stood a thick, twelve-inch long, fully erect cock.

“What the…when… How the hell did you get so big?!” Dashing gaped.

Cobra chuckled. “I invented a serum that, when injected into the bloodstream, doubles the size of a stallion’s penis within five hours. …It’s actually a pretty painful five hours.” He winced at the memory.

Dashing was too turned on to say or do anything in response. All she could do was stare at it. In fact, she felt herself getting slightly wetter just from staring at it.

“So are you going to ride this thing, or not?”

“Huh?” Dashing snapped back to reality. “Oh, uh… Hell yeah! You fucking know it!” She positioned herself over him and lowered herself, the large rod pushing past her wet lips and filling her up. A loud moan escaped her throat. “Mmmmmmm… Oh, fuck YES!...” Dashing slid herself up and down on the shaft, bringing herself up slowly and forcing herself down again as hard as she could. This was to both pace herself and grow used to the length’s new size. On each downward thrust, she cried out in ecstasy, prompting a small “mmm…” from Doctor Cobra. Gradually, she began to bounce herself faster and faster. Having grown used to the new length of her coltfriend’s dick, she now bounced as hard and fast as she possibly could; she wanted release and she wanted it now. Sweat began to cover her entire body as she used every ounce of energy she could muster to go as fast as possible, the shaft ramming her G-spot over and over. She was getting close. Loud, wet smacks could be heard from the bobbing, and Dashing’s moans grew louder as she got closer to reaching her climax. The sounds began driving Cobra over the edge. He was already having a hard time holding in his load from Dashing’s amazing control over their friction.

“Dashing,” he panted. “I think-”

“Me too!” she moaned back. Suddenly, on one final downward thrust, Dashing came, shuddering as she sprayed on Cobra’s shaft. Her inner walls slowly contracted around it. Cobra couldn’t contain himself anymore. He shivered as he spurt his load inside her, filling her up. They both moaned in ecstasy as Dashing bobbed slowly, making sure they’d each spent every drop of fluid they had on each other.

Dashing collapsed on top of Cobra as she pulled his length out. She was exhausted; she’d used up all the energy she wanted to release and then some. This was definitely worth all the time she spent bored out of her mind on the half-completed train ride. Hell, she would’ve gladly ridden the remaining time if she’d have known the release would’ve been this intense. She snuggled deeper into Cobra’s chest, almost as if she were trying to merge with him.

Doctor Cobra rubbed her back as he held her in his arms. Occasionally, he’d plant small kisses on her forehead, making her smile in content.

“Mmmm… Love you…” Dashing murmured as she nodded off. She was out before she could hear Doctor Cobra respond.

“I love you too, Dashing.” A tear rolled down his cheek.

*****

After about an hour, Dashing’s eyes snapped open.

“You ready for round two?” she asked.

Doctor Cobra gaped at her. “You just woke up!”

“Meaning I’m rejuvenated and ready to go!” Dashing replied, pumped and full of energy. “That last one was just so I could get some negative energy out of my system. Now I’m ready for the fun round!”

Doctor Cobra stared at her, dumbfounded.

“Speaking of ‘for fun,’” Dashing continued, looking around and ignoring Cobra’s gaze. “Would you happen to have anything to up the kink factor? That’ll really get some variety going.”

Doctor Cobra put a hoof to his chin. “Kink…kink… Ah!” He had just the thing. He trotted over to a box of inventions and started digging around, pulling out gadget after gadget until he finally found what he was looking for. “Here we are!” He held up a weird ray gun of some sort.

“What is that?” Dashing asked, confused.

“Behold!” Doctor Cobra exclaimed. “My Gender-Swap Gun!” Fake lightning flashed as fake thunder rolled over top of it. “Wow,” he said in surprise. “The fake lightning actually worked this time.”

“A gender-swap gun?”

“Well technically, it’s a sex-swap gun, since gender is mental and sex is physical,” Doctor Cobra explained. “But ‘gender-swap’ sounds better. Basically, it turns male into female and female into male.”

“So we’re going to do a sort of role reversal thing by me turning into a stallion and you turning into a mare…” Dashing concluded.

“Correct.”

“Cool!” Dashing exclaimed. “Sounds interesting! Just a quick question though… How long does the effect last?”

“Well, there is a timer on it,” Doctor Cobra explained as he fiddled with some knobs on the blaster’s side. “So for as long as we deem necessary. A half hour should be long enough, right?”

“Totally,” Dashing agreed.

Doctor Cobra finished making the necessary adjustments and pointed the gun at Dashing. He pulled the trigger, firing a burst of two crossed beams—one pink and one blue. The blast hit Dashing square in the face, causing her body to flash once with a white light. Dashing looked down between her legs and saw that something was dangling between back pair.

“Awesome!” Dashing exclaimed. “This is so cool!” She sat on her flank and poked at her new, medium-sized appendage experimentally. It stiffened immediately at the touch. “It’s so sensitive!” she observed.

Doctor Cobra smiled, resisting the urge to laugh.

Dashing shifted uncomfortably as a familiar feeling hit her stomach. “Ugh! Why now?” she groaned. A light bulb suddenly went off in her mind. “Actually, now’s perfect!” She turned to Cobra. “I’ll be right back,” she said, rushing up the stairs.

Doctor Cobra’s eyes followed her up the stairs as he stood there confused. What could be so important that she was willing to cut into her time of being a stallion to do? After a moment, he heard the toilet flush and saw Dashing fly the stairs.

“I’ve always wanted to try peeing while standing up,” Dashing giggled.

Doctor Cobra laughed in response. Of course, he thought.

“You ready for your transformation?” Dashing asked.

Doctor Cobra smiled as he pointed the gun to the side of his head, as if he were about to commit suicide. “PERSONA!” he yelled as he pulled the trigger. The blast hit the side of his head and he glowed white for a brief moment. He looked down his own legs to see his own penis missing.

“I didn’t know you played video games,” Dashing said, chuckling at his reference.

“Eh. After the last time you left, I hung out with the Crusaders for a couple days before starting my next project,” Cobra explained, his voice raising few octaves. “They were hanging out with Button Mash, so we did a lot of gaming.” He put a hoof to his mouth, surprised at how much his vocal pitch raised.

“Wow, your voice really changed,” Dashing noted. “Hey, wait a minute! My voice didn’t change! What gives?”

It was true. Dashing’s voice hadn’t changed all that much; she’d sounded a bit like a boy to begin with. Cobra’s voice on the other hoof now sounded much more feminine.

“I guess,” Cobra theorized. “And don’t take this the wrong way, luv, but it didn't register because your voice was already kind of deep.”

“Eh, true” she admitted. “Still kind of a letdown though. I was hoping it’d get deeper, like in the baritone range. Then it’d sound sexier.”

“Oh don’t worry, luv,” Cobra assured, putting his hoof to her cheek. “You still sound sexy enough to me.” He traced his hoof down her face, onto her neck, over her shoulder, and down her foreleg, taking her hoof in his own. He pulled her along over to his bed and sat down, still holding her hoof. “Let’s see if you’re as great a lover a stallion as you are a mare,” he whispered seductively. He pushed her head forward so as to make her lips reach his own and he kissed her passionately. She closed her eyes and leaned forward in surrender as he leaned back onto the bed. After a moment, Dashing broke the kiss.

“Doctor Cobra,” she teased. “Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Please,” Cobra moaned seductively. “Call me by my real name.”

“Your real name?” Dashing racked her brain, trying to remember. “Shit! The short attention span that comes with being a dude is kicking in! I can’t remember!”

He chuckled, knowing full well what she meant. “It’s Rex.”

“Rex…” she repeated. “That’s right… My little sexy Rexy…” She started planting kisses all over his neck.

“Oooooo…” Doctor Cobra cooed. “That feels so good…”

“As good as this?” asked Dashing. She poked at his entrance with the tip of her stiff member, forcing a small gasp from his lips. She dragged the tip along his slit, teasing it leisurely. Cobra was getting wet with anticipation, waiting for her to put it all the way in. However, she continued to torture him with her unhurried pokes.

“Mmmmm… Oh for Celestia’s sake! Stop teasing, and rut me already!”

“I’ll enter when I’m good and ready…” Dashing chuckled evilly. “You’re completely at my mercy…”

“Dashing,” Cobra taunted. “Your dick will disappear by the time you’re ready, and then you won’t get any release either.”

Dashing shuddered at the thought. “Okay, I’m ready,” she said hurriedly, pushing her rod in deep past Cobra’s soaked lips. Both of them moaned in ecstasy at that. “Wow!” Dashing exclaimed. “It’s so tight in here… And warm… It’s so warm… I’m so comfortable I could just stay here like this…”

“But then that’s not any fun for ME!” Doctor Cobra complained.

“Alright, alright!” said Dashing. “I’m going! Geesh, don’t get your panties in a wad.” She slowly started thrusting, eliciting a moan from each of them.

“Oh Celestia, that feels good!” Cobra cried out.

“It feels amazing on my end too!” Dashing replied. Her thrusting slowly got faster and faster. Beads of sweat started running down her forehead. After a few seconds of steadily increasing pace, she felt like was about to blow her load. She started going as hard and fast as possible. “Rex… I think… I’m about…to cum…”

“Already?!” Doctor Cobra asked incredulously. “It hasn’t even been that long!”

“I can’t help…SHIT…oh goddess… AAAAAaaaaaAAHHHhhh!!” Dashing shot her sticky seed into Cobra’s womb. “Dammit!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cobra said hurriedly. “It happens with a lot of inexperienced guys. You don’t know how to control a penis yet, so it’s excusable. Just keep thrusting until I finish!”

“Okay,” Dashing said embarrassed. She continued thrusting as hard as she could. Sounds of loud, wet smacking filled the room. The friction of Dashing’s shaft on Cobra’s clit was agonizingly pleasurable. After a minute, Cobra could feel that he was about to reach his climax.

“Dashing… I’m almost there…”

Suddenly, Cobra felt…empty. Dashing’s thrusting stopped as they both looked down to see that her dick had disappeared.

“NO!” they both cried out.

“Ah fuck!” Dashing exclaimed. “The effect wore off.”

“Well,” Cobra sighed. “Don’t just sit there.”

“Huh?”

“Eat me out.”

“But…I just came in there…”

“Eat me out, hoof me, I don’t care!” Doctor Cobra said exasperatedly. “I wanna cum, dammit!”

Dashing put a hoof to Cobra’s slit and started rubbing, causing him to moan and sigh in relief. She pressed hard on his button and he came instantly.

“G-geeeyyyyyaaaaaaahh!” he moaned. Wet juices escaped his caverns and sprayed all over Dashing’s hoof. “Mmmmmmm… Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Dashing replied. “Seriously, don’t mention it. The fact that I came so soon is just plain embarrassing.”

“Eh. Not really,” Cobra shrugged. “I used to have the same problem. It’s nothing practice and/or pills can’t solve.”

They both chuckled in amusement. Dashing laid down beside him, snuggling as she held him tightly. “Mmmmm…” Dashing murmured. “Aside from that, having a dick was awesome. You stallions may not get better orgasms than mares, but you certainly have it easier.”

“Guess it’s true what Freud said about girls having penis envy,” Cobra joked.

“Who’s Freud?”

“A psychologist from my universe,” Cobra explained, his voice dropping as his anatomy returned to normal. “One of the first. A lot of his work is controversial. And many consider him to have been a pervert.”

“Hehe. Sounds like my kind of shrink,” joked Dashing.

The two continued snuggling, occasionally giving each other small pecks on the forehead and lips.

Suddenly, the basement door swung open. “Hey, Doc,” Spike said as he came down the steps. “I was wondering if I could borrow some con-” He saw Doctor Cobra lying in bed with Dashing. “Oh! Uh… I can see that you’re busy… I’ll just…um…”

“Spike,” a silky smooth voice called down to him. “Please hurry! I’m just dying of impatience!”

“Just a minute, my love!” he called back. “So, uh, yeah… I guess I’ll just be, uh, going then…”

“Spike,” Doctor Cobra asked, confused. “What’s going on?”

“Well,” he started. “You see…”

“Spikey Wikey,” Rarity called to him as she came down the stairs. “Whatever is taking you so lo-” She saw Doctor Cobra lying in bed with Dashing. “Oh! Uh… I can see that you two are busy… We’ll just…um… be going then…”

Dashing and Doctor Cobra rolled their eyes. “Spike,” Doctor Cobra pressed. “Please tell us what’s going on.”

“Well, um,” he stammered. “I came down to ask you, which now I’ll wait until later to ask you, if, um, we could borrow some condoms…”

“Spikey Wikey,” Rarity mockingly chastised. “You make it sound so dirty.”

“WOAHwoahwoahwoahwoahwoahwoahwoahwoah! Back up a second,” Dashing said in disbelief. “You two are having sex?!”

“To put it simply,” Rarity replied. “Yes. Yes we are.”

Dashing turned to face Doctor Cobra. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?! This is huge!”

“I’m just as surprised as you are,” Doctor Cobra answered genuinely.

“How did this happen?” Dashing asked Spike. “How did you get her to finally fall for you?”

“I’m not really sure,” Spike admitted. “I just asked her out, and she said ‘yes.’ And then she told me that she wanted me inside of her…‘NOW.’ We ran into Pinkie on the way here and she said it had something to do with these things called ‘bronies’ and the ‘power of shipping.’ I couldn’t understand anything she was saying.”

“Huh…” Dashing replied. “Yeah, that Pinkie Pie can get pretty weird sometimes.” She glanced to Doctor Cobra. “Then again, don’t we all?”

“I just remembered,” Doctor Cobra grinned, rubbing his hooves together. “Rainbow Dash owes me five bits!”

“You were making bets on whether I’d end up with her or not?” Spike asked in surprise.

“Oh no,” Doctor Cobra replied. “We made a bet as to whether or not she would end up with you.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Dash had her money on Applejack.”

“Applejack?” Rarity laughed. “I can assure you that the love-hate tension between us isn’t the least bit sexual… Although, I can’t say I haven’t thought about it…” she admitted, putting a hoof to her chin thoughtfully as her mouth salivated slightly.

“In any case,” Doctor Cobra smiled in triumph. “Victory is mine!”

Dashing laughed at his child-like antics.

“Well,” Rarity said to the couple. “Since we’re all friends here, we’re all on the subject of sexuality, and Spike and I seem to have interrupted you in the middle of sex, I suppose no harm can come of my asking if we may join in.” She winked at them seductively. “May we?”

Dashing and Doctor Cobra looked at one another with sly grins on their faces.

“Round three?” asked Cobra.

“Round three,” Dashing agreed, smacking his flank.

Grimdark Epilogue

Filthy Rich lay asleep in his king-sized bed, his chest rising and falling in rhythm. He was sleeping soundly, comfortably, without a care in the world. Therefore, it was only natural that he was startled when a loud thump woke him up in the middle of the night.

“Huh? Wha?” He woke up startled. A white earth pony in a black mask stood at the end of his bed. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” He screamed like a pansy for a full minute, then realized it was somepony he vaguely knew. He didn’t calm down in any way, but he tried to keep his composure. “Oh! Uh, Doctor Cobra! You, erm, startled me.”

“I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Rich,” Doctor Cobra said in an eerie tone. “It’s just that I had tell you something so very important. It just couldn’t wait until morning. I hope you can understand.”

“Oh, but of course,” Filthy replied, trying desperately to calm down. “What did you need to tell me?”

Doctor Cobra pulled a gun out of his inside coat pocket and pointed it at Filthy. “You can say whatever you want about me,” he declared angrily. “But NO ONE insults my dear Dashing.” He pulled the trigger, his cock stiffening slightly as the bullet pierced Filthy Rich’s skull, killing him instantly.

Doctor Cobra left the room and trotted down the hallway, making his way to another bedroom. He opened the door, revealing a shivering Diamond Tiara cowering in her bed.

“Hello Diamond Tiara,” he said softly.

“W-where’s Daddy?” asked Diamond Tiara, quaking with fear.

“I killed him,” Doctor Cobra answered. “Just like I’m about to do to you.” Diamond Tiara’s eyes started welling up with tears as she shivered with absolute panic. “Do you know why I’m going to kill you, Diamond Tiara?”

“W-why?”

“Because you hurt my Dashing’s feelings,” he said softly. “And no one hurts my Dashing’s feelings.” He pointed the gun at her.

“Hey, Diamond Tiara!” Dashing Knight came up behind Doctor Cobra and threw her forelegs around him. “You were right,” she smiled. “My coltfriend is psychotic. But you know what? I love him for it.”

Doctor Cobra pulled the trigger. Upon the bullet’s impact with her skull, his member became fully erect. He fired the gun over and over, unloading the clip. As the final bullet made contact with Diamond Tiara’s stomach, Doctor Cobra came all over the floor.

“Hey,” Dashing complained. “You were supposed to save that for ME!”

“My apologies, luv,” Doctor Cobra replied sheepishly. “I guess I just missed the thrill of killing people-erm-ponies.” He pulled out a match, struck it, and threw it on the ground. “C’mon, let’s get out of here before we burn along with them. Or somepony with authority shows up.”

“Ahem.” Dashing gestured to herself.

“Besides you, of course.”

Fan Service Epilogue

Two mares held one another tightly as they slept, snuggling each other lovingly. One was a white unicorn with an electric blue mane and tail. The other was a grey earth pony with a black mane and tail. They were in absolute bliss, happy to be sleeping in one another’s company for the first time in a while. With her busy schedule, it was rare for Octavia to visit Vinyl in Ponyville. Tonight, after having had an amazing time dining on one another’s nether regions, they were quite content holding each other as they slept.

Suddenly a loud thump woke the couple up. They looked up to see two dark figures, one an alicorn, the other an earth pony in a mask.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” All four Ponies screamed. The horns of the unicorn and alicorn illuminated the room.

“Vinyl Scratch?!”

“Doctor Cobra?!”

“Octavia?!”

“Dashing Knight?!”

“What the hell are you two ponies doing in my house?!” demanded Vinyl Scratch.

Doctor Cobra facehoofed. “Dammit. We’re in the wrong house.”

“Oh. My. Celestia! It’s her!” exclaimed Dashing Knight. “It’s Vinyl Scratch! Oh my gosh, I’m totally fangirling right now!” She took off her sunglasses and handed them to Vinyl. “Sign my shades?!”

“Uh…sure…” Vinyl said as she levitated over a signing quill. “Who do I make this out to-?”

“Dashing Knight!” the star-struck Dashing proudly proclaimed.

“To my awesome fan, Dashing... Keep calm and wub on… Vinyl Scratch… There you go,” Vinyl said as she wrote out the autograph and handed it to Dashing.

“Thank you so much!” Dashing squeed.

“Honestly, Vinyl,” Octavia chastised her marefriend in disbelief. “Two ponies break into your house and you give them an autograph! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Hey,” Vinyl shrugged. “I do anything for my fans.”

Octavia facehoofed. “Vinyl Scratch. Some days, I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

“We’re sorry for intruding,” Doctor Cobra apologized. “We obviously have the wrong house. Which one belongs to Filthy Rich?”

“Oh,” Vinyl muttered angrily, as if that name were one she despised. “Him? He lives next door.”

“Thanks. And sorry for intruding,” Doctor Cobra apologized again. “Dashing, luv, please be a dear and wait outside for a moment, would you?”

“Um, okay.” Dashing left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Doctor Cobra made sure his mask was fastened tightly before pulling a small aerosol can from his inside coat pocket, the one opposite of the gun he’d brought. He sprayed it at the two mares, making them go unconscious. He put the spray-can back in his pocket and left the room.

“I knew bringing that Forget-Me-Gas was a good idea,” he told Dashing.

Dashing was barely paying any attention to what he was saying; she’d just gotten an autograph from her favorite musician.