Parasailing
by Shivered Timbers
Twilight frowned at the door as a knock snatched her attention from her copy of Revolting Remedies and Marvelous Maladies. It was a weekday, and nearly evening; who in Equestria could possibly be calling on her at this hour?
Glancing around the bedroom before remembering that Spike was not home at the moment, she sighed. "Just a moment!" She stood and stretched, the stiffness in her back reminding her just how long it had been since her last break. In no hurry, she took the stairs, and the knock came again.
"I'm coming, hold your horses!"
She waited until she was halfway across the library's main room before exerting her magic on the door, opening it to a familiar pony. Her face brightened.
"Hello, Rarity! What brings you here?"
Rarity's eyes flicked back and forth. She swallowed. "Twilight, do you have a moment? I... I need to speak with you."
Twilight frowned. "Sure, Rarity, come on in. Can I get you anything?"
"No, dear, thank you." Rarity used her own magic to close the door behind her, and nearly caught her tail in it, such was her haste. She surged to the window, trying to hide behind the sill as she furtively checked outside.
"Rarity, what's the matter? It seems serious..."
"I just..." She let out a breath and sagged slightly. "There is an issue I wish to discuss, of a most... private matter, and I felt as though you were the only one whom I could approach."
She paused. "Spike isn't around, is he?"
Twilight shook her head. "He's out getting dinner. I don't expect him home any time soon, so we'll be alone for a little while."
"Good, that's very good." Rarity nodded, and wearily sank onto a pile of cushions near the couch. Twilight moved towards her and climbed up onto the seat, lying down.
"I'm really flattered you came to me, Rarity. You have my word, nothing you say to me will leave this room."
The other unicorn smiled. "That makes me feel so much better, Twilight. I can't let anypony know about this, I just can't. You see, I've been having... feelings." She tapped her forehooves together, staring at them.
"Feelings?" Feelings didn't sound like anything Twilight knew much about. She scratched behind her ear. "Whaddaya mean exactly?"
Rarity's face contorted as she searched for words. "Have you ever met someone whom you just could not stop thinking about?"
Twilight considered that for a moment. "No, I can't say I have, Rarity. I know you said you could only trust me, but maybe Fluttershy..."
"I'm in love with a rock!"
The words tumbled swiftly from Rarity's mouth and hung in the air between the two unicorns as both tried to process what had just been said. Rarity's cheeks turned crimson. Twilight cleared her throat, shifting uncomfortably.
"Rarity, I, uh..."
"Oh, Twilight!" Tears formed in Rarity's eyes. "Tom, that boulder, he... It is all I can think about anymore! He haunts my dreams, my every waking moment... I swear I've heard him speaking to me! I just don't understand it at all! I've even..." She lowered her eyes, her voice barely more than a whisper. "I've even given myself to him. Oh, I couldn't help it! It was cold and... and hard, and it didn't exactly feel good, per se, but..." She gazed up at Twilight, eyes filled with shame. "Twilight, it felt so right!"
Twilight gaped at her.
Rarity lowered her head, crossing her hooves over it. "Ohh, I knew I shouldn't have told anypony..."
"No, Rarity!" Twilight said quickly. "What you said is shocking to hear, but... I'm not going to judge you. If what you're saying is true, it sounds to me as though you have a paraphilia."
Rarity used her momentary confusion to compose herself. "...A what, dear?"
Twilight shifted about. "A paraphilia. Let's say it's an 'unusual' sexual urge. They aren't common by any stretch, but they're nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually my opinion that everypony has some sort of urge like that; it's just a question of strength. In your case, well, it sounds like the urge is pretty strong."
"I just don't understand it, Twilight. I've never felt like this before." Rarity reclined back in the pillows and pressed a hoof to her forehead. "I've always thought of myself as being with a stallion one day! Certainly something that was flesh-and-blood, at the very least! Whatever has become of me?"
Twilight held out a hoof and gently caressed her friend's purple mane. "It's okay, Rarity. Paraphilias are the sort of thing that can linger beneath the surface for a lifetime, until the right stimulus triggers them. It's not something you can really help, so don't worry about it. This is just one more part of who you are."
"I suppose you're right, then." Rarity drew in a ragged breath, wiping her eyes and sniffing. "Thank you, Twilight. It does feel good to have gotten this off my chest. How is it you know so much about these... paraphilia things?"
It was Twilight's turn to blush. "Um, er, well..."
"Twilight... Don't tell me you..."
Twilight averted her gaze. "I know I can trust you the same way you trusted me..." She said softly, and gulped. "I... sort of like books. Like, really like them. And I've never actually had feelings of any kind for a pony before."
Rarity's eyes went wide. "Oh my... Twilight, if I'd known, I certainly would have worded some things I'd said to you differently. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."
"It's all right, Rarity. And thank you."
They shared a smile, which quickly changed into mutual surprise as the door opened.
"Hello? Rarity, ya in here? We been waitin' for a while, we're supposed to be gettin' back to Sweet Apple... Oh, hey, Twilight. What were y'all talkin' about?"
Both unicorns proceeded to look at everything but Applejack and Fluttershy as they entered the library.
"Uhh, Applejack, Fluttershy, what a surprise! We were, just, uh..."
"Yes, just now, we were talking about, umm..."
"Parasailing!" Pinkie exclaimed, popping up from behind the couch. Twilight leapt off, landing in a heap on top of Rarity, her mane in a frizz.
"Pinkie? How long have you been back there?"
The earth pony shrugged. "Oh, a while. So where d'you wanna go parasailing, huh, huh?"
"Hey, did somepony say parasailing?"
Twilight slapped her forehead. "Rainbow Dash, not you too!"
The pegasus flew in through the open door and hovered above Applejack. "I saw the door was open, so I thought I'd drop by and see what was up, and then I hear about extreme sports? I am so there!"
"We weren't talking about parasailing, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said flatly.
"Well, if not parasailing, then what? I mean, what else is there to talk about besides awesome stuff?"
Twilight and Rarity exchanged a look. Rarity sighed. "If we cannot trust our friends, who can we trust?"
Twilight nodded. "We were talking about paraphilias; Pinkie misheard."
Rainbow Dash landed and stuck out her tongue. "That doesn't sound nearly as fun."
"No, Rainbow Dash," said Fluttershy. "Twilight means sexual fetishes."
Rainbow Dash's cheeks inflated, then a blast of laughter shot forth from her mouth, knocking her onto her back. She rolled around on the floor, kicking her legs wildly and laughing until her eyes watered. Applejack glowered at her while Rarity and Twilight exchanged worried glances.
"Good one, Fluttershy! What does an egghead like Twilight know about sex?"
Twilight frowned. "Well, nothing, actually, considering..." She broke off, cheeks reddening, and shrank back as all eyes turned on her.
"Considering what?" Pinkie asked, good-naturedly.
"Considering I'm a bibliophile in the most literal sense." Twilight gritted her teeth. "I'm sexually attracted to books, okay?"
Rainbow Dash lost all ability to laugh, due to her jaw hanging open. Rarity stood and moved next to Twilight, head held primly aloft.
"And I feel the same way about rocks. Laugh if you all want, but you cannot shame us!"
Applejack smiled. "Well shucks, that ain't so bad. I'm like that with trees!" Everypony turned to look at her and she shrugged. "Why d'y'all think Bloomberg was my favorite? He had this one stubby branch that stuck out at just the right height..." She bit her lip, chuckling to herself as she imagined former trysts. "Yessir, wore that'n smooth as a cue ball by the time we shipped him off to Appleoosa."
Rainbow Dash made a face. "Gee, thanks for sharin', AJ. I'd say something about all my friends being weird, but..." She cleared her throat, rolling her eyes. "Well, I did fuck a cloud once."
Now it was Twilight's turn to pull a face. "How... Do I even want to know?"
Rainbow shrugged. "Hey, I was bored and kind of horny, and I wondered if it was possible. So I pulled up some cloud into the right shape -- it was a nimbostratus, I'm pretty sure, nice and firm -- and then I, y'know, I went to town!" She mimed intercourse with her hooves, much to the chagrin of those assembled. "It felt good, sure, but I wouldn't say I'm exactly attracted to clouds."
Rarity covered her mouth. "Well, I suppose it's no worse than anything the rest of us have done. What about you, Fluttershy, since we're all sharing? You seem to know about paraphilias as well as Twilight."
The yellow pegasus's entire face turned a bright shade of crimson. "Well, I... I mean, we are all sharing, so... Umm... There was one time, with Angel..."
"Eew!"
"No!"
"Nope, don't gotta hear nothin' else!"
"That's all right, dear, you don't have to share, I insist!"
Fluttershy mumbled to herself and ducked behind her mane as her friends cleared their throats, whistled, and otherwise did their best to forget what they had just heard.
"One time I covered myself in an entire banana cream pie!" Pinkie cried, hopping around the room. The silence returned, this time one of dumbfounderment, as they stared at Pinkie. Twilight cleared her throat at length.
"Pinkie, I believe I speak for all of us here when I say... What?"
"Yeah, all over me! It was kinda fun, and kinda squishy!"
"So do you, uhh..." Rainbow Dash fumbled for a way to ask the question. "Have a... thing for food, then?"
"Nah! I just rolled around in it for a while! I mean, I thought it would be funny; it seemed like a good idea at the time! But all it turned out to be was a huge mess. I smelled like bananas for three whole days! Anyway, it's nothing secks-u-mal, I just wanted to share something so I wouldn't be left out!"
The room was still for a beat, then burst into laughter.
"Who woulda thought we all had something like this in common?" Rainbow Dash wiped tears from her eyes.
"It really does feel good to tell you all about this," Rarity added.
"Yeah, we shouldn't hafta worry about keepin' secrets from each other."
Twilight finally calmed down enough to speak. "I think I've learned a lot about friendship today!"
There was a horrified gasp from everypony else. Twilight blushed.
"...But there's no way I'm sending a report to the Princess about this."
They breathed a collective sigh of relief, which became a second gasp as Spike entered through the front door. He scanned the six ponies within, his eyes wide and confused, his right hand clenching and unclenching, as if grasping for some explanation of the spectacle before him.
At length, he said, "Hey, everypony, uh... What're you all talking about?"
Twilight looked at Rarity. Pinkie looked at Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy looked at Applejack. As one, they shouted, "Parasailing!" before bursting into gales of laughter.
Spike scratched his head, shrugged, and went down to the basement, muttering something about silly ponies.
Author's Note
I'd be sore remiss if'n I didn't give credit where credit be due. Big piratical thanks to Blueshift. 'Is story "Bloomberg's Last Hurrah" inspired Applejack's scene. I sure hope ye landlubbers enjoy the first of me erotic fanfictions, arr-harr! Apologies if'n it ain't cloppy enough for ye. Perhaps when next we sail, 'twill be to slicker seas!
