A poker faced self insert.

by boothnat

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1102

A baby gets out of it's prison. Equestria somehow gets involved.

Lil' Timmie was only valued for his strange skill. At the age of two months, if he sat on a keyboard or a typewriter and farted, wondrous pieces of literature came out.
Hey, I'm not drunk, why are you pointing that gun at me?

Please criticise. Tear my humour to pieces. Show me everywhere I go wrong.

Published 2014-01-29 02:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-29 02:50:05 UTC

This had better be the only chapter, you friggin author.

Lil' Timmie farted.
Normally this sort of event would be followed by an 'eeeew' and the deployment of the diaper cleaning squad, but for this specific individual, this did not happen.
Instead, a team of expert scientists ran for the paper being written on by the typewriter.
The lab was green, and had four chairs and one typeriter. The baby called 'Subject T', and it sat on the typewriter, which, after the release of disgusting gases, had begun to type.
After it stopped typing, one scientist, who we shall call President Barrack Obama, grabbed the sheet, and saw its title.
"Its a G3.5 MLP fic! Ermahgerd!" Three of the scientists began to fangasm, and collapsed on to the floor, Osama Bin Laden drooling on top of Bill gates, with Bill's foot stuck up Obama's nose.
The only person who didn't do anything was David, but he was a naked statue made of stone, so he couldn't really do anything anyway.
The baby then farted out an approximation of the Skyrim theme song, at which point David's head exploded.
Now free of it's captors, and with the horrible fanfiction destroyed by bits of stone, the baby began to move. It blew down the door by farting on it, and began to run out using a top secret military exosuit.
Yes reader, they gave the baby an exosuit because the author is an idiot. Now shut up and keep reading the story.
It then threw a shuriken at a guard who was going in its direction for no real reasen, and ninja warped out of the dimension.
However, it got distracted by a cupcake. It flew towards it using it's jetpack, and promptly entered Equestria.

Author, I get you're insane. I live in your head FFS. But do you have to infect the readers?
Silence.

The baby crashed straight into a typewriter.

Author, what are the chances-
Logic, off.

He was in a tree house thingy. It had books, those things it farted out, all over the place. The baby then, for a lack of other things to do, farted.
Twilight, who was in this room all the time, testing out an invisibility spell, gasped in disgust.
Spike then died of breast cancer, but nobody cared. (obviously)
But then, Twilight saw paper. Paper with words on it.
She immediately acquired a wing boner, and began to READ.
From now on, the word READ, will be in capital letters.
Why?
Because, F*** you, that's why.
Twilight fangasmed. She was READing a new book in the My Little Terrorist : The US is blasphemous!
Not only that, but the writing quality was far better than the ones she got from the regular author! This was amazing! This was great!
But no.
None could be better at writing than Twilight Sparkle.
None could defeat her.
The baby had to die.
She took out a minigun, took aim-
And found that the baby had transformed into a baby alicorn for some reason.
This late in the story?
I thought I killed you! Anyway, STFU.

Twilight knew she had no choice. If the baby published the books, it would be better at writing than her, and would become the Princese of books. (Yes, the typo was intentional.)
Twilight fired rounds at the baby, who defended itself with its buns, which were rock hard.
They then had a dance off, in which Justin Beiber declared the baby to be the better dancer, which meant the toddler danced Twilight off cliffs that had appeared out of god knows where.

This is weirder than the stuff you normally shit out, and that's saying a LOT.
Go die in a fire. You do realize you only exist because I need to hit the word limit, right?

The baby then jumped off the cliff, and crashed into the ground in badass anime style. It then got crowned potato of books in Equestria. He immediately declared that all books had to be farted on by him.
On hearing this, A.K. Yearling was horrified, since she didn't want her picture to be farted on by some random toddler. With the help of Luna, Celestia, and an onion, they led a rebellion against the baby.
It failed.
In a public debate about enichaladas, Luna and Celestia declared their hatred for tea, which led to a world war caused by onions.

A god called Discord entered, and gave the toddler a hug.
"You are best pony!" He said, and the internet proved him wrong by downvoting the shitting alicorn toddler OC to hell.
Daring Do then took out her whip and suddenly, magma.
*Insert description of that Obi 1 vs Anakin scene in Star wars III here.*
Daring Do cracked her whip, threateningly. She prepared for a great fight, to decide the fate of Equestria, to decide the fate of flatulence, and most importantly, to-
The baby farted in her general direction, causing her to fall into the lava. Her hoof dramatically stayed above the Lava for a few seconds before dramatically dissolving.
Suddenly, the ghost of Twilight Sparkle appeared. She said-
"Baby thing, no! You must not join the black side, for they are all African!"
The baby sighed sadly, and destroyed the entire planet, but since that planet was not Equestria, he teleported back to Equestria.
WHEN DID HE GET FRIGGIN MAGIC?
When I said so logic. Now go take a hike.
The baby then ruled over Equestria, and promptly proceeded to eliminate racism, find a way to spawn food and drink out of thin air, and found out how to use cheat codes, because of course it did.
Then, the Toddler ruled all of Equestria happily ever after because pizza is a vegetable.

Twilight stared at Boothnat, the author.
"What." She said.
"Oh, that was just my fanfic." Answered Boothnat.
"No. That was a joke. That was ridiculous. It was... It was..." Twilight began to smoulder... "AN INSULT TO BOOKS!"
She caught fire, and began to burn the entire library. The heat was so intense, that not a single book was burnt and nothing actually happened.
Then suddenly, Pinkie Pie.
She threw a letter at me. It immediately opened, and squealed out in a high pitched, girly voice-
"Dear Idiot. Discord would like you to be his apprentice. Please meet him in Canterlot."
Seriously? His serious side said. You're going to become his apprentice? Are you crazy?
However, the serious side was drowned out by the internets and by the base, who both said
FUCK YES.

Author's Note

I don't even-
What?