ALL IS LOST, EAT THE CHILDREN!
I screamed as the giant horse-monster-pig-hybrid thing chased me through the cartoon forest. It was frightening. Terrible. Worse of all, it looked like I had been tossed into some hideous caricature land of doubtful sexual preferences. Everything was brightly colored and seemed to be drawn. Do you have any goddamn idea how horrid it is to look around you and see drawings?! It's disorienting! Everything looked 2D, everything! I didn't even know when I had my face planted in front of an object before I smashed into it!
My legs were tired as hell, my head hurt incredibly bad, and my arms were flailing around like pieces of rope attached to a freaked out chicken being chased by black people with a fryer. Yes, it was that bad.
"Oh shit!" I yelled as I raced through the nonsensical world around me. "This can't be happening! Shit!"
I jumped over a fallen, cartoony log and sprinted ahead, the monster-thing chasing me all the way, roaring its monster-y head off. I was sweating badly, breaths coming ragged and tired, but the forest did not last for long, at least. Within the following four minutes of torturous sprinting, I finally burst out of the treeline.
"Ah shit it burns!" The sun was brighter than the goddamn forest had been. Shining trees in the shiny darkness. "This place is retarded, aaahh!"
I covered my eyes with one of my arms and kept running, screaming the entire way like a small child running away from a fat pedophile. The floor was all soft and cushion-y, and I smelled the scent of perfume in the air. It was too much, like the type fat people use to cover up the stench of their lardy sweat. I gagged and covered my nose with my sleeve, trying to see through the tears that were pouring out of my eyes. I tell you, it was worse than slicing onions. The very air was fucking toxic as shit.
"Oh God, it stinks worse than a thousand loyal McClients!"
I felt like I was on the verge of just keeling over and dying. Shit, it reminded me of that time my friend's gerbil escaped and we found him dead in front of a furry convention, its asshole expanded by a thousand times its own size... Poor little guy tried to run, but those fursuits caught him...
My legs were getting too weak, and I had to slow down. I was scared and wanted to keep running, but I am just a normal Hispanic human, and not even endless years of soccer and border jumping could prepare me for such long chases! I mean, I wasn't black, otherwise I'd just keep on running! Run, and run, and run forever, chasing an imaginary basketball... Wouldn't trade, though. I like having an average IQ.
I had to stop eventually. I fell to my knees and collapsed on the floor. Staring at the hideous, shiny sky, I prayed to Hitler for a better life in the future... one without muslims...
However, Hitler wasn't ready to receive me into his glory, and marvelous Sanctified Third Reich. I was still to remain on Earth, or whichever effeminate world I was living in, and live!
Or not. Maybe Hitler was an asshole, because the pig-monster-horse thing could rape me. However, I still kept faith.
"Fuck this shit! Fuck that shit! Fuck all the shits! I'm out!"
And so I turned around and pulled out My Dick, as I called it, was an ultra-badass-nuclear-infiniteammo-Desert Tyrannosaurus (Because eagles are gay as fuck), and aimed at the thing whatever following me.
"Hello, stranger! My name is Coco Pommel, and I have been tasked by Princess Celestia to bid you welcome to the beautiful land of Eque-AAHH!" I pressed the trigger once, twice, thrice, and then put it in automatic mode and taped the trigger to keep shooting at the thing. It gave a screech as the thermonuclear razors sliced through her hooves and eyes, peeling off the flesh of the eyelids and then dragging slowly over the tender eyeballs, making long, painful gashes on her eyes that bled like streams of piss.
"Please, sir! Help me, I'm in terrible pain! Please, I have a family and two children!"
"Well, I'll fuck them up too!" I called back and stopped firing my ultra-badass-nuclear-infiniteammo-Desert Tyrannosaurus at the thing. "Besides, you're just a horse. You don't really feel pain anyway." I shrugged and kicked her in the cunt.
"Ta-ta, faggot!" I called as I slowly walked away, my ultra-badass-nuclear-infiniteammo-Desert Tyrannosaurus resting on my shoulder. She kept screaming and crying about not being able to see, and some nonsense about timber dogs coming out to hunt when it got dark, but I didn't really care.
"Whatever. Now, where to go?" I mused as I glanced at the map that materialized out of my pocket. A faggy song suddenly started playing, however, and huge fly-like, creepy eyes protruded out of the map.
"Hey there! I'm the map! If there's a place you got to go, I'm the one you need to know! I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the-! Hey what the fuck are you doing?! Get your fucking hand out of my anus!"
"Oh, shut up. I just need to know where the nearest town is." I grumbled, shoving two fingers inside the lower end of the map to get it open. "You're just a map, anyway, you don't really feel pain."
"SHIT! DON'T DO THAT! HOLY FUCKING CHRIST ON A POGO-STICK IT HURTS!"
I stretched my fingers inside the map and pushed the rest of my hand in. The map kept on squealing like a pig the entire time, twisting and convulsing while foam cascaded out of its mouth. Both of its eyes rolled to the back of its head and blood started to seep out of its mouth.
"Getting real tired of your shit, Map."
"Please... no more... please..."
"Like hell I will."
"No mo-OOOOOOOOO-!!!"
I rammed my whole arm in there. Fucking map tore in two.
Oh well.
"Shit! Stupid ching-chong underage factory workers never do anything right!" I groaned and tossed the map away. It landed with a wet splat on the stone and a pool of blood formed around it. "What the hell am I gonna do now?"
Angry and upset and all synonyms for those words, I pulled out My Dick (the ultra-badass-nuclear-infiniteammo-Desert Tyrannosaurus, remember?) and walked over to the nearest rabbit-hole I could find. Kneeling down, I reached into the hole and pulled out a huge cock rabbit family. About thirty of the fluffy little guys.
Now, this world worked oddly. There was a big, male rabbit wearing a hat and tiny glasses, reading a newspaper, and a mother holding a cooking pot and a carrot. There were also a bunch of tiny, smiling baby rabbits. I looked at them and my heart grew three inches in length and four in girth, so I drank some pills to control cardio-erections. That shit is dangerous.
"So, who wants to help me find the nearest town?" I smiled down at the rabbit family, eliciting happy squeals and massive smiles. All rabbits raised their paws in the air for me to pick them. "Alright, alright, I can't take all of you, though..."
Their ears flopped down, and they got really, really sad. My heart broke in two, and a tear came out of my eyes.
"Oh man. I can't leave you guys so sad, but I can only take one..." What could I do? They were all so sad, but I could only take one...
"I know! Here, you." I picked up one of the little guys, his tiny heart beating hard as I picked him up. His smile was enormous, happiness practically seeping out of him. "Geez, you guys really are friendly!"
I gently put him in my pocket and smiled. The rest of the family looked at us with tiny smiles. Aww... they were happy for him, even if they couldn't come along for the ride!
"You guys are adorable! Here, little guy. On my mark, press hard, okay?" The little rabbit nodded and I blindfolded him.
"Ready? Now!" The rabbit pressed the trigger and murdered his entire family with seventy four shots fired out of My Dick.
He was scared shitless by the deafening sound of the gun. Tears were flowing out of his eyes even before I took off the blindfold, and when I did he only screamed and clawed at his eyes while shaking his head violently. I had earned his loyalty in the African way.
"Oh god, little rabbit, stop whining. You're a rabbit! You don't really feel pain, loss, or even love!" I dropped him on the floor and knelt down before him. "Hey, hey look at me." He stopped shivering and looked into my eyes. "I'm your family now, okay?"
He sniffled and raised his tiny paws up for a hug.
This would not do.
"Bitch!" I slapped him across the face with a rock. Tiny teeth flew away. "I do not tolerate faggotry in this family!" I picked him up and held him in my hand, fist almost clenched. "Your family is dead! You know why?! You know why?! Because they were weak! You are weak! Shit, where would you even be without me?! You'd be dead! That's where! Dead like your dead family! GOD!"
I tossed the rabbit back into my pocket and cooked his dead family, then ate it and fed him his father's heart.
"Eat, little one. It will give you wisdom and strength." He ate it without question. "Now, where is the nearest town?"
He pointed to a far away shitty village full of tiny, retarded horses. A large as fuck sign right next to me vividly spelled out "PONYVILLE!" With faggy hearts surrounding it.
"Well, fuck me sideways with your dead mother, Cock Sucker. Yeah, that's your name now, Cocksucker. Much better than anything your dead father could ever give you. Anyway, tomorrow we go down to Ponyville and fuck shit up."
I lied back and went to sleep on the skinned pelts of Cocksucker's dead family.
"Goodnight, Cocksucker. Your family is dead by the way."
The dreary night passed away with many a painful screech and wail from Coco Pommel, who was still alive and being mounted in the distance by a timberwolf. Its wooden penis sliding in and out of her dry cunt like a splintered wooden chair leg being thrust into a mound of soft, tender babies, but her screaming was far more sonorous.
Coco opened her bloodied mouth to scream once again, but it came out as a mumbled moan of agony. Most of her teeth were gone, and her tongue was lying by her side, ripped out and chewed on by the pack leader of the timber wolves. The wolf behind her arched its back and slowly started to grind its thick, steamy shaft against Coco's lower lips, eliciting a cry of pain from the mare, as the splinters bit into her tender flesh and drew blood once again. The wolf whined and panted as it slowly began to accelerate its motion, rubbing itself against the whimpering mare beneath him. Rapidly it increased its pace, up and down, swiftly and ruthlessly until Coco was slowly rocking back and forth on the stony ground.
The male alpha licked its lips as it watched, its own cock hard beneath it, pulsing and throbbing. Its head aimed right at Coco's lips, while two young bitches gently lapped up from base to tip of his shaft, circling his testicles before continuing upward.
Coco cried out in desperation as the timber wolf howled into the cold night, and spurt after spurt of semen flew into the air, as if shot from a hose, landing all over the trembling mare. At the same time, the alpha growled and snatched one of Coco's legs in its jaws. With frightful strength he closed his fangs around the limb. Hard.
Coco screamed as a sickening crunch filled the air, and the warm trickle of blood fell in a stream from the protruding bone that showed out of her ruptured flesh. The alpha rabidly shook its head as semen spurted out of his shaft and splattered across Coco's fear-stricken face.
The rest of the pack eagerly licked their snouts. It was their turn after the alpha and its son had their way. All forty four members, both male and female, lined up. Coco had a long night ahead of her, and not enough legs.
I woke up the next morning to the scent of rotting rabbit family, broken dreams, crushed happiness, destroyed life, and a suicidal Cocksucker.
"Oh, hello there, Cocksucker. How's your family? Y'know, aside from dead."
Cocksucker looked at me with large, teary eyes full of pain, as if trying to tell me how much he wanted to be dead in that moment, how his life had no meaning now, and how he did not blame me as much as he blamed himself. Of course, I only saw a faggot ass rabbit doing nothing but being a faggot ass rabbit with a dead family.
"Cocksucker, you better stop being a faggot right this instant! Faggots die like your family, betrayed and murdered by their own son and brother. Much like you did, Cocksucker. Remember how you pulled that trigger and murdered everyone? Gee, you sure killed your entire family, Cocksucker. All of it. Mom, dad, sisters, brothers, all dead because of you. Good God, Cocksucker. You suck ass."
Leaving Cocksucker to wail in his own misery, I turned to face Ponyville.
"Hmm... Well, fuck me with a retarded child in a wheelchair..." The place was filled to the brim with small quadruped horses with technicolor furs and overly-sized eyes, much like flies, but less elegant and more retarded. "Cocksucker, we are going into town now."
I grabbed Cocksucker by the nuts and dragged him behind me. I mumbled a tuneless song as I walked closer to town, always keeping my hand of My Dick. I was not going to take any chances with-
"Hello! My name is-!"
"DIE MOTHER-CUNT-FUCKER! DIE! DIE! DIE!" I turned on my feet and unleashed My Dick's fury on the small furry horseshits standing behind me. The projectiles flew out of My Dick's hole at its tip, hitting the first horsetard in the face, across the chest, and in her mouth. She had no time to scream, as my holy cream, spread over her chin. She felt the righteous touch, the holy pain, flowing through her veins. All sound stopped as she fell, brain splattered across the well, that stood behind her body dead.
"No more fucking rhymes!" I stopped pressing the trigger of My Dick and the flow of steamy, hot bullets was cut. "The fuck are you?!" I shouted down at the heap of mutilated flesh and ground bone and spilled blood. It was impossible to know what the hell it was. White fur, perhaps purple mane and a green eye.
"Huh. What say you, Cocksucker?"
Cocksucker looked at me from the floor, eyes wide and filled with terror.
"Stop being a fag, please. You should be alright with this by now, I mean, you murdered your entire family in cold blood." I shrugged and kept on walking. Cocksucker had started crying again, but that seemed to be normal for him now. "We need to find their leader!"
I continued strolling through Ponyville, faking to be in a car and pretending to do a drive by the local school was awesome. Sucks that I didn't have a car. Just shooting at the windows and running away wasn't quite the same.
The horses of Ponyville were all eerie, however. They all had abnormally large eyes, spoke in human voices, screamed and begged for mercy like people, and lived inside houses. Of course, none of it was real. Horses don't have real feelings, after all.
I turned a corner and gazed down at the long, hard road ahead of me. My hands clenched into fists, and I spat on the ground.
"Cocksucker, this is our time to shine."
"Thur it is gurls, cum y'all, let's git him!" An orange pony with a redneck hat and a rope galloped up the street towards me, stupid anger in her eyes. "Gon git yoo, wird mosnter thang! Muh name am Appuljak, an am stongerst pon in 'Questria!"
"My God..." My eyes narrowed. It was simply disgusting. Walking towards me, the redneck horse spat out of its hideous redneck mouth. "I will not stand for this!"
Unbeknownst to me, several armed guards had begun to surround the perimeter, and a golden chariot was lowering itself on Ponyville, surrounded by hundreds of huge airships armed with cannons and shit.
I was too centered on my battle, however.
"Muh frends n Twalat gon teech yoo not ta mess wit muh home, monstuh!"
I roared into the air, howling the battlecry of all things holy and non-incestuous, and charged the beast. Utilizing all of my strength, I jumped high into the air as my hair and clothes exploded in golden fire, and I turned into one of those overly muscular steroid-filled gay bodybuilders from Dragon Balls. Charging my power to green, I pulled out My Dick and shoved it inside the retarded horse's vagina.
"Noooohhhhhh... Monstuh don't do toch muh vjeyjey! Nooohhhh! Onli muh brudda N' granny cun tuuch muh ther!"
"Rot in the hell from whence you crawled from, incestuous filth! I shall rid this world of your filthy race, or so help me God, I will see it burn before you can breed with your own kin again!"
"MUH VJEYJEY!"
I slammed my fist into the retarded horse's anus until it bled, the beast's screeches of agony filling the air as I shoved broken glass inside her uterus, murdering hundreds of inbred little shits during the process. The filthy fuck had fornicated with her family, no doubt! She squirmed and convulsed but I had her by the ass. Kicking her repeatedly in the cunt also helped to subdue her.
"Buhbuhbuh..." Her already limited brain was not enough to sustain so much punishment, and she collapsed in a heap of weeping stupidity. "Muhmuhmuh..."
Shoving My Dick out of her stinking cunt, I aimed it between her dumb, redneck eyes.
"And thus I purge the stain of your existence from this world!"
"MUH VJEYJEY!"
I pressed the trigger.
Smoke slowly cleared around me as the remnants of the battle died away. What remained was me, standing before the inbred's corpse, and Cocksucker in my pocket. Hundreds of tiny retarded horses started to come out of their houses, eyeing the scene.
"He killed Applejack!"
I slowly aimed My Dick at the nearest horse, and tightened my ass muscles.
"HOORAY!" The entire town exploded into celebration, cheerful song and rejoicing bursting all around me.
"PRAISE BE TO THE PRINCESSES, WHOM ARE CELESTIA AND LUNA, WHO LIVE IN CANTERLOT, THE LARGE CITY IN THE MOUNTAIN JUST ON THE HORIZON. THEY, AS WE ALL KNOW, ARE RULERS OF EQUESTRIA AND GOVERN ALL PONIES UNDER HARMONY BY THE POWER OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY, WHICH WERE WHAT STOPPED NIGHTMARE MOON AND DISCORD AND THE PLANT THINGS THAT MURDERED ALL THE USELESS GUARDS WE HAD GUARDING THE PRINCESSES!"
The ponies rapidly surrounded me, smiling like the little fucktards that they are. Using their leathery, filthy hooves, they pulled me up and carried me to their town hall, where they crowned me their righteous leader for liberating them of the hideous beast.
Turns out that the inbred monster had terrorized the entire town with her stupidity, but all the ponies were too fucking pathetic to kill her themselves. It honestly sounded horrible. Having to fake friendship with such a tard... Good God preserve us...
"Ponies! You shall now tell me where I am!"
The horses all gathered around me and began fellating each other.
"Um... The fuck are you all doing?"
"It's friendship time." One of them replied, pulling his mouth from a stranger's meaty cock. "As dictated by princess Twilight Sparkle, all inferior ponies are to fellate each other."
True enough, all these lesser beasts were fellating each other. I had no problem with that, they were insufferable peasants, after all.
"Why are you not fellating?" A remarkably stupid horse asked. He was wearing a dildo hat. "All lesser-"
He had no chance to say his next words.
Because the dildo hat went into his mouth! The horse started suffocating on his own dildo hat, and eventually died.
But the damage was done. He had assumed me on par with the lesser animal things whatevers. That would not do.
"Cocksucker, come. We will meet with this Twilight and shove you up her cunt."
Cocksucker spent the next five minutes vomiting his guts out.
"And your family is dead, by the way."
All is Lost, Eat the Children!
I spat on the floor and pulled on my crotch. It was show time.
"Come on, Cocksucker. We're going to kick some cunt." I put on my super cool sunglasses which I pulled out of my ass, and then grabbed My Dick, and rushed forward towards the town. All around me the ponies continued having 'Friendship' with one another, eyeing me with teary eyes and desperate looks. The ponies with dildo hats were keeping guard on the other ponies, making sure that no one stopped having friendship. "Fucking disgusting."
I passed several houses, and the amount of chariots and golden-armored ponies kept on increasing. There were about five hundred thousand billion by the time I reached the massive library castle thing in the middle of town.
It was fucking huge!
Walls that were as tall as an NBA nigger, but purple, and had some freaky star thing plastered on them everywhere. I was staring at it from afar, and felt disgusted. There were bigass books everywhere. Many of them seemed to have the pages stuck to one another by an unknown, sticky substance, and the dildo hat guards were everywhere.
"Cocksucker, this is bad. We need to get into the castle thing without being seen!" I half screamed into Cocksucker's ears. He was shivering and trembling badly, and his ears were red and swollen from all the shooting and screaming. He also had this huge blister in his eye.
He looked at me with his healthy eye and whimpered. His other eye was red, and swollen to a massive size. Imagine a regular rabbit, now a baby one, and now picture one of his eyes as a red, pus oozing basketball. It was that bad.
"Oh God, dude. This is so cool!" I poked his eye with My Dick. "It's all squishy and shit! Look how it bobs... like a Filipino prostitute!"
Cocksucker was wailing and twitching in agony with every poke from My Dick, his mouth covered in blood because of his severed tongue. He had bitten it off during his convulsions. "Shit, Cocksucker. That's gotta hurt!"
After using his eye like a punching bag for a bit, I approached the gate of the massive fortress-library with a penis-shaped dome on its top. It was a massive structure, with veins and pubic hair sculpted on its base and towers, and a moat filled with milky goodness.
"Damn. This place must be paradise for all frenchmen." I gazed around as I closed in on the gates, which were shaped like man-ass, with the entrance resembling a little brown star.
As I drew closer to the castle, several of the dildo hat ponies started screaming and shouting, obviously alarmed at my approaching swag.
"Horsefags, I am the most awesome dude to ever be seen by your pussy ass horse eyes. Take me to your leader!"
However, it would seem these ponies had the intelligence of your average American!
"WAH! GET HIM, GAIS! FREEDOM!" One of them shouted, its massive dildo hat flapping about as he ran. "ASDJKAJSD!!"
I groaned and pulled out My Dick from inside my pants. It was hard as steel, and hot from having shot all over Applewhore's face just a few minutes ago. But most importantly, it was ready to go one more round.
"Chest or mouth, ponies?" I whispered in a totally badass manner, and aimed at the pony with the biggest, most veiny dildo, and fired.
Once, twice, thrice, I blew my load all over the dildo hat's face, chest, and vital organs. Blood splattered all over the pavement, and his dildo hat went flying through the air, flopping about in the breeze before landing on top of the other dildo ponies, killing them instantly.
Cocksucker stopped convulsing for a few seconds, and peeked out from inside my shirt pocket to gaze at the sheer awesomeness that was my aim. Not only had I killed the dildo ponies, but some of my bullets also flew into a maternity ward, a retirement home, and a mental hospital. All three exploded and everyone was murdered in the most gruesome manner possible. Especially the babies. The babies died the worst, because they were useless.
Smiling like a smug motherfucker, I pressed on into the castle, penetrating it like your fat neighbor does your mother when your dad is too busy weeping in the next room to notice.
"Cocksucker, get ready..." I looked around, searching for the boss of the level.
