The Epic Battle Of Good Versus Slightly Less Good But Still Pretty Good In The Long Run

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna
Length: 2029

Celestia and Luna engange in epic battle with the fate of Equestria hanging in the balance. Adorably.

Princess Luna attempts to overthrow her sister's rule... with pillows.
Celestia is highly amused.

Props to the artist!
It's even got an awesome reading on YouTube!

Published 2014-01-27 03:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-26 20:25:59 UTC

The Coup

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Princess Celestia had just gotten ready to settle in for a long night of sleep, the pale moon shining in brightly through her bedroom window.

With her golden tiara in one hoof, Celestia stifled a yawn and began to clamber into bed after a long day of guiding the sun, free at last for just a little while from the constant politics of the castle.

At least, she would have snuggled into bed for a good night’s sleep, were it not for the fact that something rather large and puffy had suddenly obstructed her view.

Celestia pulled the pillow from her face in mild astonishment, the sound of high pitched giggling reaching her ears.

“Very funny, Luna,” she spoke loudly, turning with a light frown to find nopony else in her room. She watched carefully as another pillow slowly floated up from her bed, and Celestia stifled a grin. It would appear that Luna was attempting to attack blindly, then.

With grace, Celestia pawed the unruly pillow out of the air-

Only to be ungracefully slapped in the back of the head by another pillow that flew up from behind her.

“Oh-ho!” Celestia magically levitated several of the pillows in a golden glow, bolting out the door and after the madly cackling princess of the night. “It is on!”

“Not if you cannot catch me!” Princess Luna taunted back over her shoulder, wild grin growing wider as she darted past a significantly surprised guard. He huffed seriously, straightening his armor again, only to be nearly bowled over by Celestia as she galloped past him at top speeds.

“Come back here, you!” Celestia snickered, magically hurtling a pillow down the hall after the fleeing mare. It smacked her with a unexpectedly loud flumph! in the rump, causing Luna to jump and yelp in surprise.

“Ha ha!” Luna giggled again fiendishly, chucking a couple of pillows behind her to stall her dreaded opponent. “You shall not best me, tyrant!”

“We will see about that, Lulu,” Celestia vowed, struggling to keep from laughing as Luna rounded a corner and skidded roughly over the polished floor, nearly crashing into an empty suit of armor.

Princess Celestia, however, was not quite so fortunate, for in her haste she accidentally knocked the suit clean off its pedestal. A heavy helmet landed with a loud clang! over her head, but only managed to spin uselessly on the tip of her horn.

The added obstruction only made keeping her foe in sight all the more difficult, and Celestia flapped her enormous porcelain wings to gain momentum on the steadily shrieking mare. Luna was screaming and laughing simultaneously as she barreled through the hall, and they earned quite a few stares from thoroughly surprised guards.

Luna cheered in success as she sharply turned another corner in the stone passage, certain that victory was in her grasp.

Without warning, Celestia teleported directly in front of her with a flash of brilliant golden light.

Backpedalling with a gasp, Luna brought up her last pillow as a means of defense. Celestia, the slowly spinning helmet still dangling atop her horn, menacingly began approaching with a slew of pillows raised.

“Now then,” Celestia puffed, an irritated smile itching onto her face. “Any last words, o dreaded assailant?”

After a moment’s pause in which Princess Luna held her hoof to her chin in thought, she nodded.

“Yes,” Luna nodded slowly and completely seriously. “Perhaps thou couldst have caught us sooner should you decrease your portions of cake, sist-”

Luna did not manage to finish her sentence, as a pillow with a golden aura surrounding it swiftly began walloping her in the side of the head.

Cackling hysterically, Luna swung with her feathery weapon and batted as many floating pillows away as she could. There were many, but they fell before her pillow-y might like tin soldiers before an angry wind.

Many mourned the loss of so many pillows, and a monument would later be built in honor of their bravery and sacrifice.

For that moment, however, Princess Luna had nearly overcome her sister’s nigh impenetrable fortress of flying pillows, save for the one that Celestia held in her mouth.

“Ah ha!” Luna crowed in victory as the last of the levitated pillows was knocked aside, and Luna flared her wings. They cast a dark shadow over the hall as Celestia slowly began retreating, her lowered head bowing ever so slowly as she backed away. “Forsooth, surely you could have seen that I could not be defeated!” Luna pranced back and forth on her left and right hooves in excitement, drawing closer to her helpless prey.

However, Celestia was obviously not helpless, as she still had the pillow that she retained in her mouth.

With an almighty uppercut, Celestia slammed Luna in the chin with enough force to knock over an entire teacup.

Flustered and spluttering, Luna blinked and spat out feathers in surprise as the giggling princess of the sun tackled her, causing them both to roll haphazardly over a multitude of heartlessly destroyed downy pillows. Luna shrieked, tittering madly as she attempted to throw off her larger sister, but to no avail; Celestia was simply too determined to tickle her to ever break free from her iron grasp.

Not that Luna didn’t try, of course.

“Now I’ve gotcha! Oochie goochie goochie goochie!”

With all her might, Luna flapped her wings and slapped Celestia with as many pillows as she could, gasping for breath and wheezing through her mad cackles.

Between sharp breaths, Luna finally managed to choke “I – surrender – I –surrender!”

“Too little, too la~te!” Celestia teased her, but finally ceased her relentless barrage of terrifying tickles. She nuzzled her sister just beneath the chin, and they both simply lay in a messy muddle of pillows and feathers (and one still spinning helmet) that implied so much chaos that it would have made Discord’s head spin.

They breathed heavily for a while, the sound of their breathing the only thing in the hall.

At least, until Celestia reared her head and looked hard at her sister.

“I do hope you realize that I’m not cleaning this up.”

Princess Luna eloquently replied with a raspberry.

And so, the attempted coup to overthrow Princess Celestia’s pillow-y reign was halted in its tracks, and wickedness was finally defeated for good.

‘Wickedness’ also managed to talk a poor guard into cleaning up the enormous mess.

AND THE EPIC BATTLE OF GOOD VERSUS EVIL WAS BROUGHT TO A CONCLUSION, AND ALL WAS ONCE MORE PEACEFUL IN THE LAND OF EQUESTRIA.

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The Assault

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Princess Celestia, for all her years and wisdom, was still susceptible to emotion. Her heart nearly broke at the sheer level of devastation, and her eyes were cast downward. The destruction, the desolation, the absolute damage that her home had endured almost made her shed a single tear.

But then she remembered that she didn’t have to clean up the mess, and her sadness was swift to vanish.

“You missed a spot,” Celestia smiled cheerfully at the guard, who was busy carefully stuffing pillows with feathers in the hall.

“Yes, your majesty,” he deadpanned, readjusting his helmet and resuming his job. Celestia kindly continued to levitate a large number of the pillows together to return them to their rightful places, smile still perched on her lips.

And then she heard it.

Like the sound of a thousand souls screaming out at once.

Plip.

Celestia froze, torn pillow in hoof as her ears perked up in panic.

The guard, seemingly unnoticing of the chaos about to unfold before him, blinked up at her.

“Something the matter, your highness?” he asked in confusion. Or at least, he tried to, as the next thing out of his mouth was mostly water and burbling. The balloon smacked him square in the jaw, and he squawked in terror and fell over backwards.

“We’re under attack!” Celestia bounded away and left the poor guard by himself, who was weakly raising a trembling hoof from the mess of feathers and pillows in attempt to rescue himself. “Pony all stations, take up arms!”

“Vengeance shall be mine at last, tyrant!” cackled Luna as she barreled down the hall after her, mass of water balloons floating in a magical hue not far behind. “Thy rule is at a watery end!”

Vanilla carefully garnished the row of cupcakes with a loving touch, as she always did for the royal sisters. A smile adorned her yellow face as she layered each one with a caressing layer of icing, careful to keep her mane away lest any stray hairs make it into the treats.

She hummed a merry little tune to herself as she carefully placed them onto a tray, the nearly empty castle kitchen seeming a little lonely for this time of night.

Moments later, the castle kitchen became much less lonely as Celestia burst through the double doors, eyes wild with fear.

“Y-your majesty!” Vanilla gawked in surprise, kneeling.

“Flee!” Celestia was clearly trying not to giggle, and failing horribly. “Fly, my servant!”

“… But I’m a unicorn,” Vanilla blinked. She didn’t have time to say much more, as a large red balloon mysteriously wrapped itself around her face.

Then, it exploded.

She yelped and staggered away in panic, the wicked laughter of her assailant in her ears.

“You cannot hide behind your precious subjects, Tia!” Luna howled in glee, blue glow surrounding her balloons as several more readied themselves in the air. “There is no escape, come and face your balloon-y fate!”

“Your devilish balloons are no match for midnight snacks!” Celestia stood proudly, pulling one from the tray with her hoof. “Your – ooh, that’s hot. Did you just make these, Vanilla?”

The stunned unicorn nodded.

“Hm. Seems such a sad waste,” she took a bite out of the steaming cupcake, savoring the flavor. “Ooh, with chocolate filling. Very nice, I like them.”

“Er, thank you…?” Vanilla blinked the water out of her eyes again, more confused than anything else.

“Do you mind if I take the rest of these?” Celestia asked quietly, to which the mare promptly shook her head. “Thank you very much, I’ll put them to good use.”

She smiled, turning back to the grinning princess before her.

“Luna,” Celestia was slowly backing away with the tray of cupcakes in hoof, but her voice was even. “There’s not any chance you’re willing-”

Another balloon sailed straight over Celestia’s head, and she giggled.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’!” she grinned, hurtling one hot cupcake after another at Luna.

“Ha ha!” Luna blocked one from hitting her with a balloon, and it promptly splattered all over the floor. “Your pitiful tactics are no match for moon magic!”

“Egads!” Celestia balked in faux horror. “Moon magic, how could it be?”

“With the moon, obviously!” the blue alicorn cackled again, magically chucking a balloon at the princess.

“Nooooooo!” shrieked Vanilla, throwing herself heroically in front of the missile. Time seemed to slow down as it made wet impact, shattering ferociously against the poor defenseless mare’s chest. She collapsed to the floor as she landed, one leg still kicking at the air dramatically.

“Vanilla, my trusty chef!” Celestia dropped to her knees. “Luna, you-you fiend!” she bellowed dramatically. “You shall be avenged, avenged I say!”

“I’m still alive,” Vanilla whispered, but was seemingly unheard.

“Bwa-haha ha!” Luna tossed another balloon, which Celestia caused to implode with a powerful cupcake barrage. Her supply of dripping water balloons was steadily dwindling, but she still had many. “There will be no end to the water balloon mugging, this shall be known in history as the day Celestia was defeated!”

“This ends now!” Celestia stood proudly, readying her last cupcake. “You shall not advance to the rest of my castle!”

“Betcha I will!” Luna smirked.

“YOU – SHALL NOT – PASS!” the princess shouted heroically, charging with her cupcake held high.

She paused to take a bite out of it, and then continued.

The resulting explosion nearly destroyed half of the castle, and would come to be known as ‘the day Vanilla Frosting finally retired to Baltimare’.

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