That's How The Cookie Crumbles

by Dash The Stampede

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3898

A contest has arisen. The competitors are ready: Celestia and Luna vie for the honor of Princess Twilight's favor. And the last cookie at her tea party.

Princess Twilight hosts the First Annual Princess Tea Party in Ponyville. Celestia and Luna have attended, and the "party" is nearing its end. The teapot is empty, and a solitary cookie remains. Two hooves and a magic aura reach for it, but Twilight is quicker.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna make a stand, against each other, to win the favor of Twilight, and, in addition, her cookie. Who will be crowned the Cookie Champion?

A gift for Cerulean Voice, who requested, and is being forcefully given, the story.
[Popular Stories list 4/7] Thanks y'all!
Cover art by fShydale on Deviantart. Go check out their other awesome works!

Published 2014-04-07 05:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-01 17:06:10 UTC

The Royal Goof-Off

Twilight Sparkle sat up, placing her empty teacup down on the aged oak table before her. She glanced about, taking in the sight before her with a contented sigh. Cookie crumbs, tea stains, and a variety of napkin-wads littered the floor about her, and the same could be said for her two guests. Princess Celestia looked up from her cup of Earl Hay with a smirk, glancing across the setup to her sister, Luna, who was muzzle-deep in her latest catch: the most succulent of chocolate-cherrychanga cookies from Sugarcube Corner. The latter Princess tilted her head upwards, facing the two alicorns before her, crumbs falling from her face and lips as the last of the cookie disappeared into The Royal Maw. Her eyes twinkled with the happiness of a giddy filly in the Royal Cake Factory as she gulped down the last of her Earl Hay.

It was undeniably the cutest thing Twilight had ever seen, Celestia casting her a knowing smile as they watched the Moon Princess finish her snack-topia.

Twilight raised a hoof to cover her eyes. "The cute! Its power is too much for the likes of me!" she finished the motions by falling backwards onto a carefully-conjured chaise lounge, wings splaying to her sides, just as Rarity had made her practice for hours on end. Etiquette lessons for drama were surprisingly difficult to master, and Twilight doubted she'd ever top Rarity's theatrics. She sat up, chuckling softly, enjoying the perturbed look on Luna's face. Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration, eyes crossed and tongue poking out the side of her mouth as she glared down the Princess of Magic.

"We do not believe we are...cute, Twilight Sparkle." Luna ruffled her wings and fidgeted. "We find it to be...less than endearing..." Luna reached for another sip of tea, her dry throat being met with the drier taste of library air and ceramic. "Sister? We- er, I feel like the posterior of a great jest." Luna furrowed her brow once more, glancing towards the still-chuckling Princess Twilight.

"Perhaps it is just your overactive imagination, Lulu?" Celestia said, winking in her sister's direction.

"Tiaaaa! Don't use that name in front of our host!" Luna blushed, hiding behind her mane.

"Oh come now, Luna, you and I both know that Twilight is more than ready to be integrated into our lives, and what better way than to show her just who Lulu is?" Celestia held a straight face, millennia of Court poker-faces under her belt, or beard, depending on who you asked.

"Heheeh. Well, in any matter, I'm honored that you could join me for my Princess Tea Party, Princess Celestia; Princess Luna. I've had to clear my schedule fifteen times since last Tuesday to ensure we had this block of time available!" Twilight stood back up from her *borrowed* fainting couch, sitting back at the table before Equestria's original rulers.

"But Twilight, it's only Friday! That was just three days ago!" Spike whined from the kitchen, poking his head out into the main room to frown at Twilight.

"Yes, Spike, but in those three days, I had to handle fifty separate complaints from the Mayor and citizens about my 'increased' role in the town's government and how I could fix the sudden influx of mail from all across the country! Derpy's had her hooves full since I started receiving hundreds of letters a week! I don't even know how all these ponies know my address!" Twilight huffed, letting out her frustration on the cookie before her, pounding it into cherry-chocolate crumbs before the teary-eyed Luna.

"What was that cookie's offense, Twilight Sp-Sparkle?" Luna sniffled, raising a hoof to snag another of the dwindling supply of sweets.

"Eheheheh...Nothing, I suppose." Twilight blushed, lighting her horn and re-constituting the cookie before the Moon Princess' eyes.

"Aha! MINE!" A dark blue aura snagged the cookie right out of Twilight's telekinetic field, its cherry goodness eradicated by the Royal Maw once more. "These cookies are incredible, Twilight Sparkle." Luna smiled, crumbs raining down from her muzzle into her empty teacup.

"I'm glad you like them, Princess Luna-roonie! I baked them myself!" Pinkie Pie burst from the teapot in the center of the table, spraying the remainder of the Earl Hay over the three Princesses.

"Sweet Starswirl's sexy beard!" Luna jumped backwards, slamming to the floor in a rather undignified position. Perhaps she could learn a thing or two from this 'Rarity' that Twilight often spoke of. Her taste in lounge chairs was impeccable for a mere designer.

"Aren't they super-spectacular-riffic?" Pinkie snagged one of the cookies, shoving it into her mouth before retreating back into the ceramic container.

Celestia held a hoof over her mouth, snickering softly into it as Twilight stared slack-jawed at the procession of events that had just occurred. "Ah, Pinkie Pie. Always a surprise meeting that mare. I don't believe we'll ever understand her." Celestia shook her head side to side, tsk'ing and sipping her tea.

"Pinkie Pie...That mare will cause an infarction in my eternal heart one of these days." Luna sat up, rubbing her wings softly, pushing feathers back into place after her impromptu tumble. "Twilight Sparkle, how do you deal with her?"

"Ehr...I've learned not to question Pinkie, it'll just hurt your head more." Twilight shrugged, moving to refill the now-empty teapot with the last of the Earl Hay.

"If you say so, young Twilight. If you say so." Luna pouted, crossing her forelegs in front of her.

"It is for the best, Lulu." Celestia winked once more, causing a spread of red to pepper her sister's face.

"Meh." Luna sniffled, reaching absentmindedly for another cookie. She did not notice the golden-clad white hoof reaching toward the plate as well. The two Princesses connected hooves with a loud clang, neither hoof making contact with a cookie. The cookie in question floated nearby, encased in a purple aura.

"Twilight Sparkle! I was going to eat that morsel!" Luna frowned.

"I fear that I too crave the taste of that last cookie, my faithful student." Celestia shrugged, lighting her horn to encase the cookie. However, her aura clenched nothing but air as the cookie disappeared before her eyes. "What?" Celestia scratched her chin, stroking an invisible beard in thought.

Luna lit her horn, causing a flowing beard to erupt from her sister's face, falling into her hooves as she contemplated.

"BY CELESTIA'S BEARD!" a shout echoed from the kitchen, the room falling eerily silent.

"Spiiiiike? Could you come here for a moment?" Twilight's eye twitched as Spike emerged from the kitchen, the patterns of the hardwood floor suddenly catching his interest.

"I'm sorry, Twilight. It was just too good to resist!" Spike snickered, whacking his hand against his knee in amusement. Twilight glanced in Celestia's direction, but was not met with a face full of 'TO THE MOON!', but rather with an entertained smile.

"Princess...? Is everything-" Twilight began, but the sudden white hoof in her mouth silenced her thoughts.

"Please, Twilight, I have lived for many many years, and have seen my share of pranks. It appears I have another to add to The Repertoire" Celestia wiped her mouth with a napkin, savoring the moment of blissful entertainment. "But I wish to know, whatever happened to that last cookie?"

Twilight smirked, levitating the cookie in question beside her, keeping it out of the reach of both princess' hooves. "You both wanted this cookie?" ideas for pranks raced through her head, perhaps Dash really was rubbing off on her. Her question was met with fervent nodding. "Well, I have an idea to decide who gets the cookie!" Twilight paced over to her tripod and sketchpad, drawing an intricate logo for something called a 'Goof-Off.' "You two shall participate in a Goof-Off for the desire of the cookie!" Twilight revealed her sketch with a flourish, her 'ponies' in worse shape than Dash's highlighter drawing, but still presentable.

Celestia and Luna glanced at Twilight before glaring at each other.

"It appears we are at an impasse, dear sister."

"Indeed, Lulu. I am sure you remember the standard rules?" Celestia touched her forehead to Luna's, in an improvised bow of sorts, sparks flying from both princesses' horns.

"I am well aware, T-T-T-Tia!" Luna snickered, magicking a bowl of deep green grass into existence before her, chowing down on the succulent treat.

At that moment, the multiverse felt its jimmies rustle in the most ungodly of ways, and the Force could not handle such power as that which coursed through Celestia's veins.

"IT." Celestia fired up her horn, the room filling with a bright light. "IS." The room spun before the three occupants, colors shifting from the dull pinkish-brown of the library to the blues and browns and greens of nature. "ON!" The spinning ceased, the trio finding themselves atop the Canterhorn Mountain, the city of Canterlot sprawled out hundreds of yards below them. The trio stood within a large, circular indent in the top of the mountain, with what appeared to be a Sue-mo circle drawn in the dirt beneath them. Luna sat on one side of the circle, eyes open in shock, staring ahead at the supernova of light erupting from Celestia's horn. Twilight stood several feet away, the cookie still held firmly within her aura.

"THIS GOOF-OFF IS OFFICIALLY ON!" Celestia roared, the mountaintop shaking with the force of one thousand suns, her beard flailing wildly about.

Luna gulped, sweating slightly at the heat before her. "Well, shit."

Author's Note

Wrote this tonight as a quasi-birthday-request gift fic for my brohan Cerulean Voice. He requested " Luna try and somehow "explain" or "convince" Twilight that she is many many many times more powerful than Celestia because of the fact that she moves not only the moon, but thousands and thousands of suns as well. Also, that she is more qualified to raise the sun than her sister because it's just another star."

I know this isn't quite what he wanted, but he's getting it nonetheless. Expect an insane second chapter either tomorrow or Tuesday.

It's always a Tuesday.
:facehoof:
I might need more Jethro Tull to write to. >.>

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CERU! <3
Who will be the victor of the cherrychanga choco chip cookie? Only insane jokes and silliness will tell!

The Final Crumbdown

Luna stumbled backwards just as a wave of pure sunlight radiated through her body, removing the stars from her mane, and making them float above her head in erratic patterns. Luna collapsed to the ground, the wave of energy dissipating in the distance with a radiant sunset. Suddenly, a tiny text-box popped into existence above Luna's head, with words slowly spreading across the surface: Luna hurt herself in her confusion! before popping back into nothingness.The Lunar Princess stood warily, looking about in mild confusion, before sending her hoof careening into her own muzzle. The blow threw her back onto the ground, but returned her to her senses. She stood, turning to face the enraged form of Celestia, her beard now consisting of pure solar flare.

"Twilight Sparkle! Is there no rule against such barbaric action?!" Luna bellowed.

Celestia's voice rose above their conversation "I'M."

Twilight found it best to remain under her forcefield, sunglasses on, and lemonade quickly evaporating. "I suppose, but you kiiinda had it coming to ya!" she shouted back.

"NOT" Celestia grumbled.

Luna gulped, turning to face Celestia once more, determination in her face, and also a hoofprint.

"HIGH ENOUGH!" Celestia's voice shook the two mares to their bones, Spike holding tightly to Twilight so as to avoid blowing away. Celestia stomped forward with a huff, taking out a small metal tin with her magic, and removing a small, brown tube and igniting one end of it on her still-fiery mane. She inserted the other end into her mouth and inhaled half the stick, before releasing a huge smoke cloud into Luna's face. The smell was reminiscent of a skunk, and Luna coughed terribly when she inhaled it.

"I've been waiting far too long to show you who's the best in comedy in this castle!" She took another long drag, savoring the taste. "And now, here we are, me, you, and my Haylaskan Thunderbuck. Now we will see who will taste chocolatey-cherry victory!" Celestia inhaled the remainder of her Thunderbuck, her eyes tinting red as a goofy smile plastered her face. "Now...now we will see!" Celestia fired her horn off at the sun hanging above the mountaintop, causing its light to filter through the atmosphere in green, red, and yellow tints, the clouds taking on a tye-dyed appearance in the same scheme.

Luna and Twilight glanced around in awe, the landscape becoming more and more like the realm of Discord. As if summoned by the mere mention of his name, Discord popped into existence next to Twilight with a crack, holding a crack-pipe and a hammer. Twilight and Luna turned in shock to watch Discord smash the hammer with the glass pipe. Shards of wood and metal littered the ground, reforming into a tub of popcorn as he walked toward the pair. Just then, Celestia reached out with an over-sized cane, looping it around Luna's neck and dragging her towards the inferno. He grinned, catching sight of the enraged Sun Princess, a gleeful look crossing his face. He glanced between Luna and Celestia, back to Luna, then at Twilight, and back to Luna, before pointing at Celestia.

"So her and Luna.." Discord began, receiving a nod from Twilight, "...Are having their second-ever Goof-Off?" Twilight nodded, Discord cackling with glee. "But..How? How did little Miss Princess of Magic convince the two of them to partake?! It's madness! It's...me!" Discord waved his arms wildly, a larger version of himself kicking the former in the chest, knocking him off the mountain with a battle cry. "THIS. IS. CHAOS!" before turning back to the perplexed princess.

Twilight could only blink in response to the crazed draconequus' antics, the princesses struggling before her to create the better facial hair, a well-trimmed goatee adorning Luna's muzzle, while Celestia fought back the Very Villainous Moustache© currently coaxing her hoof to twirl it in satisfaction. Celestia lit her horn, causing a full neckbeard to erupt from Luna's face, and eliciting millions of cries of horror from hundreds of neckbearded fans in a dimension far, far away. Discord clapped in appreciation. "Ohohoho! Maximum rustle attained, ladies!" He pulled another paw-full of popcorn to his mouth, chowing down while a nearby corn stalk replenished his bucket.

"Shhhh! Discord! I'm trying to judge this!" Twilight cursed her luck. Of course Discord would come to this! How could she have overlooked that?

"HI CELLY!" Discord bellowed, bringing the Princess' eyes to him for a fraction of a second, long enough for Luna to lob another pie her way. "I must say, I do love what you've done with the place!" he chuckled again.

"I-cough-take my Rastastarian heritage-cough-seriously!" Celestia growled through a layer of banana cream, another cigar burning in her mouth. Luna continued to lob pies at her sister, the many kinds sailing past: cherry, lemon, Maud, boysenberry, and each one leaving its own colored mark on Celestia's face. She dropped her roach, and it sizzled out in the piles of whipped topping surrounding her. Her face turned as red as her eyes as she reached out in anger, pulling a magical axe through the timelines. The scarred surface of the axe was covered in dents and stains from battle-use. The front of the weapon held upon its surface six strings of holy resonance, their surfaces gleaming with metal anticipation. The axe face held three pickups and knobs, the surface of a greased and ready shred machine.

With a battle cry, Celestia strummed her magic across the strings, the power chord echoing out across Equestria, the mountainside behind her becoming a wall of amplifiers. The radiant weapon gleamed with the brilliance of a million melted faces as an ear-rending solo rippled through leylines of the world. Celestia put her hoof down to the ground, cracking a hole in the mountaintop, flames arising from below. Her piercing cry could be heard for light-years.

"I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A PERSONAL FAVORITE OF MINE, THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD, PERIOD! I GIVE YOU...THE D!" Celestia's voice echoed out, Luna's and Twilight's manes slicked back, and faces dripping with awe, as the ground shook. The rupture in the earth opened wider, and two shadowy figures ascended from the flames. The first to appear was a fairly chubby-looking creature, his arms cradling a black, double-horned acoustic guitar, and a purplish horn in his hands. The second creature was fatter and taller, with less hair and emotion than the first, but his guitar was larger and tan. The pair emerged from the flames amidst a one-pony clap and settled their eyes on the world before them.

"Hey, I'm J.B., and this is Kyle, and we wrote this five minutes ago." The creature's scratchy voice permeated through the speakers. The pair began to strum their guitars in a similar chord progression, the song inciting the ponies to stomp along to the beat.

"I totally need!" J.B. began.

"He def'nitely needs!" Kyle echoed.

"To take a hit!"

"Take a hit!"

"Before I can deal...with this shiiiiiiii~iiiiiiiit!" J.B. drew out his wails, the shredding solos behind him adding to the metal mastery going on before them all. Suddenly, Kyle had a different, spikier guitar, their outfits and instruments changing to match the progression of the song.

Twilight was beside herself. She was having a simple tea party at home, and now she was watching what could possibly be the end of the known world before her.

And it was metal.

J.B opened his mouth in a raw display of vocal range, and wailed to the world a shout that threatened to tear off the faces of those present. The Princesses' manes were torn from their heads, the strands flowing away in the soundwaves.

"I really did mean!"

"He really did mean!"

"To destroy your manes!"

"Destroy your manes!"

"Because that shit is totally iiinsaaaaaaayaaa~aaaaaneeee!" J.B's wails forced Twilight to restrain herself and keep from jumping on top of the seductive creature and fuc-

"T-T-T-Take a look!" J.B. wailed.

"Take a look!"

"What do you all see?"

"What'cha see?"

"This Goof-Off belongs! To Ceee-lest-iiiiiiiiiiiii~ahhhhahhhhahahhhh Yaaaaaaaaaaaa!" J.B. cried out, the microphone before him crumbling to dust.

Twilight sat up and wiped the sweat from her brow with a shaking hoof. "Wh...what...was that?!" visibly shaking, Twilight leaned on Luna's stock-still profile, the younger sister eying the older with contemplation.

"That was rather tenacious of you, dear Celly! More!" Discord clapped, in hysterics over the whole scene. Luna grumbled and fired up her horn, sending the two guitarists back to their own dimension with a flourish of fire.

Celestia stood, triumphantly posing on stage over the pair of princesses, her image less-imposing now without its fiery topping. "Well, Lulu? what say you to that?" Celestia prodded her sister with a hoof, smirking diabolically, and stroking the Very Villainous Moustache© upon her lip.

Luna's modest neckbeard opened up, allowing room for an arm and fist to extend from under her beard hairs, right into Celestia's figure. Celestia flew back with a loud thud, crashing through a few boulders on her way, coming to a stop beneath Twilight's worried eyes. "I'm okay!" Celestia said.

"Go go gadget hoofsprings!" Celestia called out, before rocketing into the air with the springs now dangling from her Royal Hooves. She catapulted toward Luna, who simply dropped a small, leafy plant next to her in the soil. She stood still as Celestia homed in on her position, before the plant expanded outward, repelling Celestia and protecting Luna. Celestia cackled once more, "Luna! You play too many video games! Are they the only resource you know?"

With a flash of light, the mountaintop was transformed into a latticework of red girders and metallic walkways. Celestia remained at the top, with Twilight and her cookie encased in a forcefield next to her. She stood next to a stack of barrels and proceeded to toss barrel after barrel precariously down the latticework, the splinters falling around Luna as she gasped. The situation seemed so similar to one of her games, but she couldn't place it. Suddenly, a barrel burst into flame beside her, the sparks showering her coat and singeing the hairs. Her muzzle scrunched in irritation, before leaping to the sky with her wings, intending to soar above the peril. She was rewarded with the cruel cold of the metal walkway as her wings failed to open. Her wings were actually nonexistent! Luna panicked, she had never been too good at this particular game.

She put one hoof in front of the other and trudged onward...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twilight sat up, looking around her, watching Celestia try to maniacally maim her sister with hollow flaming barrels--she'd have to have a long talk with the royal Psychologist about her mentor's state of mind--with mild amusement and boredom. She had intended to get a laugh out of it, but so far she'd lost her mane, most of her hearing, and she hadn't seen Spike in a while. The cookie sat beside her, encased in her trademark purple glow, its edges crumbling away with the more abuse her magic put it through. Twilight eyed its subtle curves and valleys with a watering mouth, the succulent treat did originally end up in her hooves...its chocolate chips made by the best hooves in candy-making, and its doughy waves crafted into being by the Master Baker Pinkie.

The once-student-now-princess glanced between her two equals, locked in fierce battle over the tiny little treat in her grasp. Surely they wouldn't notice if she took a small nibble...

*CRUNCH!*

Celestia's and Luna's magics flared to a sudden halt, the barrel before Luna's face dissipating into shadow as it passed through her. The landscape around them reformed and reshaped itself to the original design. The two alicorn princesses looked at each other, eyes twitching in silent rage.

"Sister?" Celestia murmured.

"Yes, Celly?"

"Twilight ate the cookie."

"I am aware, Tia."

Silence shrouded the pair.

"Luna?"

"Yes, Tia?"

"Shall we?"

"Most indubitably!"

The pair turned on Twilight, crumbs falling from her face as she chuckled nervously.

"C'mon, princesses, we can work this out! I know the pony who makes them!" Twilight backed up, her tail end pinning her against a sheer rock face. "Celestia? Luna?...Guys?"

Twilight gulped down the last of the cookie in fright.

"Well, shit."

Author's Note

Go-Go-Gadget Author's Note!

O~kay!
Gimme your hate, gimme your rage, give it all to me for not keeping up on schedule! I'm not quite sure I finished exactly as I had planned, and this chapter might seem a bit clunky, but if you think about it, if it makes sense, then it's not good enough for a Goof-Off!

I hope this fulfills your expectations, or, if not, create your own headcanon ending for the contest! Who do you think would have won if allowed to finish? Would Luna have ascended the tower and beaten Celestia once and for all? Would I stop asking questions?

To all of you who've waited, thanks for dealing with me, but I fear I prefer the first chapter over this. May do a re-write in the future.

Meh.
S'all I got.
~Dash