Manic Journals

Chapters

Prologue
Chapter 1 (1/2)
Chapter 1 (2/2)
Chapter 2 (1/3)
Chapter 2 (2/3)
Chapter 2 (3/3)
Chapter 3
Chapter 4 (1/2)
Chapter 4 (2/2)
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7 (1/2)
Chapter 7 (2/2)
Chapter 8 (1/2)
Chapter 8 (2/2)
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Prologue

Prologue

Chapter 1 (1/2)

Chapter 1 - Best Welcoming Ever

You know... I really feel awful here, in this damp and depressing cave: life feels like it is coming to an end... I've been stuck here in this magical shithole for about a month now, living with this unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. Now that I have come to peace with the fact that I'm going to die here, I've decided to leave this journal here as a testament… Funny, I don’t really even know what that word means. I suppose I should start at the beginning for whoever is reading this... not that anyone would be reading this. I mean, who is going to find my body in here? Anyways, I was sitting on the bus ride home from school. I was hanging with my friend, working so hard to blend in and seem a normal person. I sat reading my book "Abnormal Psychology" when suddenly my hands are gone.

Now, I was sitting there for a moment like 'what the fuck?' when suddenly everything below my neck disappears. Now, if you have ever tripped and hit your head, let me tell you, that aint shit compared to hitting the inside of your neck on the floor. By this point, everyone in the bus was losing their shit and I had a good head start on them (pun), and I would've been screaming but my lungs weren't exactly attached to my head so I really couldn't do shit but sit lie there on the floor, helpless. A few seconds later, my head caught up with the rest of me and I found myself immediately tackled by what felt like a lizard. It really wasn't that heavy, but hey, you try losing your head and not be in a dizzy spell when you get it back. Now, when I finally got my shit together, I realized I had my hands and legs tied to what felt like a wooden floor, a wooden splintery floor at that, and there was a sac being pulled over my head before I could get a look around. Oh Fuck! Someone drugged me and now Im going to get raped My mind began flashing back to all the things I'd seen on the internet, BDSM, Dominatrix, Bondage, Slave Masters, all of this, I was about to go through it all... and I started crying like a bitch.

"Subject is displaying tremors, possibly due to a dramatic change in climate, and is emitting loud noises, potentially trying to use echolocation or call out for a reply from another of its species."

I stopped my crying when I heard a woman's voice, it sounded dorky, like a bookworm or something. I was calming down my breathing and trying to listen to her description of this subject, when I realized she was talking about me.

"Subject has dark brown hair covering his head and the area between his thighs and the rest is mostly bare, with just a light layer of hair."

It was at that point I realized my clothes didn't get teleported with me. Well... Balls! I sat there, like I had a choice, and just listened to her drone on about my different appendages

"Subject has calmed down and appears docile; I shall place him in a confined space with my assistant Spike to see if he behaves violently."

"Wait, what?!" I heard a voice of a little kid say.

"Don't worry spike, look at how bony he is, I won't let him lay a hoof, or whatever these things are, on you..."

"Ok, I'll do it." The boy said. I was pretty calm by now. I'm actually a docile person, and was even more docile than normal right about then.

I felt myself being dragged somewhere else and then set on the ground on my side.

"Ok Spike, I'm sealing the door, try to stand still on the other side of the room, and we'll go from there. When you are ready, Ill remove the docility spell on him. A docility spell? Maybe I'm dreaming. Perhaps this is a hallucination due to PCBs they put me on. That's cool, I've always been slightly curious about what it would be like.

"Ok Twilight, I'm ready."

Suddenly, I was freaking out again, my heart rate went up, and my eyes went wide. The bag began floating off my head, and I mean literally floating, there was no hand on it. However, my hands were still tied, and I was on my side, so there really wasn't much I could do. So I say there

"Maybe we should try untying him, Twilight." My eyes shot to where the voice was coming from, and there was a little lizard man thing, looked like a kid. Oh yeah, I am so high right now...

"Good idea number one assistant." The voice seemed to be coming from behind me, but I turned over and there was no one there. I found my shackles being taken off, by nothing again, and they dropped to the floor.

"Did you see that Spike? He reacted to my voice! That is probably a survival instinct." Where the fuck was that voice coming from? I was looking all around and there was no one there. I suppose I should describe the room I was in, for anyone that's reading this, I hope you are. I hope someone found this. I don't want to be forgotten. It was circular room, book shelves carved into the wall, and lined with books of every color. It was seriously disorganized, I mean, some books were arranged in the shape of a triangle, and others were hanging off the shelf, held on by the weight of a book on top of them. There was a window over a table showing the outside world, there was a door to what was presumably another room in what looked like a house or library. The floor had a ring pattern, like the inside of a tree, and the table beneath the window had a bird feather, a yellow container, and a piece of parchment that the lizard boy had been writing on. A prominent color in this house was brown, and it was kind of depressing. Brown isn’t one of my favorite colors though, unless it’s a dark, earthy color.

By now, I was calming down again, and I got up. The lizard kid was eyeing me with fear in his eyes, and I knew that the next move I made would probably make or break my survival. Ok, so apparently I'm some kind of science project, and from what I can gather, these are lizard people that are probably going to make me a little monkey pet, or I'm insane and either went on a killing spree and killed everyone on the bus and now am in a hospital, or I'm having a seizure and am in a hospital. Either way, I'll play along for survival's sake.

I decided the least threatening thing I could do was walk away from the kid, so that's what I did, and he seemed to noticeably calm down when he saw me moving towards the desk.

"Interesting, the subject is displaying curiosity to the desk and is completely ignoring my assistant's presence in the room."

Her voice was farther away, so I decided I would try to find where it was coming from, so I turned around immediately and began probing the area where her voice seemed to come from. If I was in the middle of the room, and the door was behind me, the dragon boy in front of me, and the desk to my left, than the voice was to the right of the middle. So I began heading to the right side of the room, probing the wall for some kind of speaker or hole.

"The subject seems to be drawn by noises and is trying to find my location. Spike, make some noises!"

The dragon boy, who I assumed by then was Spike, began hooting like an owl and jumping around. I ignored him, intent on finding this voice, but it seemed to have moved somewhere near the door, so I went there instead.

"Subject seems not to simply be drawn by noises he hears, but by noises he cannot explain. He was initially startled by Spike's noise making, but seems to be ignoring it, and is trying to track me down."

If she knew I was trying to find her then screw it, she was obviously hiding from me for some reason. I just walked over near the table, took a random book off the wall, sat in the chair, and began reading. It seemed to be a children's story, judging from the repeated mention of magic and unicorns, but it had way too much detail to be a kids story, so it is probably a fanfic, or something like that. God I hate fanfics, if I was ever in one, I'd kill myself. I read it anyway, because it was actually rather interesting. The title was, "Obscure Unicorn History" by who the fuck cares. After a few minutes, I heard the dorky voice again.

"The subject appears to have given up searching for me, and is now examining the contents of a book. It appears to have understanding of what it is reading, but I cannot be certain."

"You know I understand every word you have been saying about me right?" I blurted, getting fed up with this charade.

"What? Why didn't you respond?" Snapped the lizard woman.

"Because if I did, you may have assumed I was a threat at the very beginning and held me down instead of giving me a chance to move around. Pretty simple, if you put some thought into it."

"But you aren't supposed to be an intelligent species!"

"Well you kinda fucked up with that one, we are pretty much the most intelligent race out there." I replied snarkishly… is that even a word? It is now! I really should have put some thought into that snarky comment, though, because it didn’t have a positive result.

"Oh, really? Well I'm not entire sure what I means to fuck something, but I assume it means to mess it up. Either way, you were completely justified with that assumption that I wouldn't allow you to move around, because that is exactly what I'm about to do."

I was promptly scooped up by nothing, and carried over to the door.

"Spike, bring the chains, please. We're tying him to the floor again."

I would've been yelling her head off about then, but my mouth seemed to be held shut by, again, nothing. So I just sat there in mid air not even bothering to fight back as I was carried into what appeared to be a library. I may as well describe this room as well. There was a door in the corner with a candle on it, there was another door next to it that we just came through, and there were a few bookcases carved into the wall. The wall with the book cases had a staircase up on the side of it, leading to what I assumed was a storage room or probably a place with more books.

When I was set down on the ground, Spike came and tied me up, being careful not to touch me. He didn't seem to dislike me, but he most certainly wasn't comfortable around me. Looking back, I can’t say I blame him. His mother figure was doing some kind of experiment and things weren't going the way she expected, that would probably unnerve most children. But, I should stay in the past, rather than look back from the present. So, there I was, chained down, and finally able to talk again, and I was still surprisingly calm. I decided to try and communicate with what was as far as I could tell a ghost.

"So, am I going to get to see who I'm talking to any time soon? As far as I know, I've been abducted from my home and am probably going to get killed. If that is the case, I'd like to know now so I can curse you from my grave."

"Kill you? No, I would never kill another living creature! I just brought you here to study you, and I thought I was bringing a non intelligent creature. As for seeing me, I think that can wait for later, I still don't know what you are or what you are capable of, so I'm going to have to make certain you aren't dangerous before letting you see anypony."

"Oh, well alright- Wait, did you just say anypony?"

"Er... Yes, I did, why?"

"What country am I in? You sound like your speaking English, but I know there is no such word as anypony!"

"I'm assuming that 'English' is your homeland language. I am not speaking English, I am speaking Equestrian, and you are in the beautiful country of Equestria." So I guess I’ve probably gone insane again... I wonder how this one will turn out. If last time is any indication, this is probably one of my alternate personalities I’m talking to…

"So... I'm in Equestria huh? And when will I be going home exactly?"

"Oh, yeah, about that..."

"What?" I asked, flatly.

"I can’t send you back, ever."

"What? Why the hell not?!"

"You can pull things into a universe, but you can’t push them into one." Oh my God…

"What do you mean 'Pull into a universe'? Are you saying that I have been removed from my universe?"

"Well, yes. There are multiple universes, and I pulled you from one and into another. I could send you out of this universe, but there is no guarantee that you will end up in somewhere habitable, let alone your own universe."

"Okay, so I was taken from my universe and can never return. That is absolutely terrific! Let’s change the subject now. How did you move me earlier? I didn't see anyone pick me up, but I was moved."

"Oh, perhaps your race is not familiar with magic. I am a unicorn, and we are one of a few races capable of manipulating the web of matter that holds the universes together. This web of matter is known as magic. It is intangible, and it is constantly changing. All universes are made up of more than eighty percent-"

"Hold on another fucking minute, you're a what?" The woman, who I now was assuming was a furry, snorted somewhat angrily at my interruption, but answered all the same.

"I am a unicorn. Unicorns are small equine mammalian animals. Of the five known pony races, Unicorns have the third thickest bones, second to Earth Ponies. Our brains have a highly sensitive extrusion that is connected to a special part of our brains that allow for manipulation of the web of magic that holds the universe together and keeps it from coming apart." I... so for the sake of my sanity, I must pretend that this is all real until I can find a logical error in it. When I find that error, then I will know for certain that I am insane. Keep an open, but analytic mind, and logic will see me through.

The alleged unicorn was just finishing her explanation on the bone structures of all ponies and how they all have sockets for wings and small sections of brain set aside for magic, even those with neither wings nor horns.

"Excuse me, this is really interesting, but it was nearing the end of the day in my world, and I really needed to get to sleep." I was lying through my teeth right then. I was on the bus home; I would be awake for hours. I just craved information, and that room had many books that would no doubt tell me about this place.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't even ask if you were tired. First I'm going to need to know a few things from you."

"Alright then, shoot away"

"Question one, what does your diet consist of?"

"Humans are omnivores. I prefer to add some meat to my diet, but I can survive off of plant alone, so long as there is some protein, like in beans. As for specifics, we can eat just about any plant, so long as it isn't poisonous, and there are some nuts we don't eat. We can’t survive off of grass, or flowers either, and I assume those are what make up your diet, being an equine and all. Vegetables and fruits, with some nuts, I doubt I’ll be allowed to eat any meat while in the company of a bunch of horses."

"First, we are called ponies, get it right. Second, I want to keep the environment you are in as close to yours as possible. If that means finding you a source of protein, I suppose I can have Fluttershy help you with that."

"Fluttershy? Is that the name of another unicorn?"

"Oh no, she’s a Pegasus pony. If you show yourself to be safe, I may allow you to meet her in person. Until then, I'm sure she will be excited to meet you, she is an animal expert." I was about to take offense, but then I realized that to this person, I am an animal, some alien from another world.

"Say, are there any other creatures like me in this world?"

"Well, the closest thing we have to you here are monkeys, but they are much harrier, and less intelligent. That reminds me, I'm going to have to conduct a number of tests on you to see what level of intelligence you possess."

"Well I'm sure you will have a lot of fun, considering that we are the most intelligent race we know of. We dominate everything else."

"Is that so? In what manner do you dominate them? Is it slavery?"

"No, most of the human race is against slavery right now, though in the past we enslaved each other. We dominate in the sense that almost nothing can touch us. Sure, there are times when an animal will take maybe five of us out, but if we wanted, we could scrub the planet clean of any life." That was probably a lie. For all I know, there are more humans that promote slavery.

"Would humans do something like that?" The Unicorn asked shock evident in her voice.

"No, we kinda depend on everything else to survive. Some humans probably do want to, but those are the unhealthy ones, we lock those away until we can find a way to treat them. It is called a mental disorder."

"We have some things like that to. In fact, I'm friends with a pony who has what you call a mental disorder, but it is really much more of an advantage."

"Well if that is all, I would really like to get to bed." What was earlier a lie was now the truth, we had been talking for a while, and I was more of a quiet person, content to just listen. Talking can be an exhausting task for me.

"Very well, but I will have more questions for you in the morning, it is pretty late right now, so I will take you to your room."

She led me into the room I was allowed to walk around in previously.

"You can sleep in here for tonight, but you are not allowed to exit the room until Spike or I come for you. Don't open the door for anyone, or break anything in here. You can feel free to read books, but make sure to return them to the spot you found them. Don't damage any of the books or else. Now, I should go get a bed from upstairs for you, It will appear in your room shortly. I heard clopping sounds, and then I assumed she was gone. I looked around for the lizard dude, but he seemed to have left. So I went into the room she directed me to, sat down, and kept reading the book titled "Obscure Unicorn History", now seeing it in a more serious light. It was difficult to wrap my head around some of the terms used to describe different magicians. I got chronomancy, but there were sub-divisions of chronomancy that just made no sense.

Twilight brought in a not big enough bed for me, and set it down on the opposite side of the room from the door. I set down the books that made no sense to me in their proper places on the shelves and went to sleep.

Chapter 1 (1/2)

Chapter 1 (2/2)

That night was the most terrifying event since the whole teleportation thing. I woke up, probably a half an hour later, to see a jumble of pink fluff towering over me. I had about three seconds to scream before I had a piece of cake shoved into my mouth to keep me quiet. I looked up at what seemed to be a pink horse, only it was much smaller. It had big blue eyes, big fluffy pink hair, and pink fur all over its body. Have you ever seen a horse smile? This one had a smile going from ear to ear. It was disturbing, considering how long a horse's face is.

"Hush! We need to be quiet or Twilight will find us." She whispered conspiratorially. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact a horse came in my room, woke me up, shoved cake into my face, and was talking when she took a bowl of pudding out of a book and dunked it on my head. It dried up immediately, and I couldn't breathe. I was about to pass out when the pink pony started eating chunks out of the chocolate mask, freeing me to the cool embrace of oxygen. I gasped for air as she went to hide in a dark corner of wherever we were. Once I had caught my breath, I looked around, and found that in less than ten seconds, she had taken me somewhere completely remote to where I previously was. We were in what looked like a tree house, there were trees as far as I could see out the window, so I knew I was going to have to count on the pony to lead me away from here.

"Where the fuck have you taken me?” I asked, more than a little unnerved.

"Fuck? I read that word one time. it was in this story called Pinkie Pie Learns a New Word."

"Um... I really don't know what kind of stories you have here." Suddenly, the entire room lit up and confetti shot out of every direction and the pink pony came up to me, wearing a silly balloon hat and pushing a tray cart in front of her with her hooves. I looked at the cake, and in the frosting it was written, Welcome to Equestria!.

I should use this opportunity to describe just exactly how she looked. She was, as previously mentioned, pink. She had a darker shade of pink for her hair, which I believe is called a mane. Her tail was she same shade, and they were both bunched up in a fluffy display of adorableness. She had these big blue SpongeBob eyes, and she had this ridiculously large smile plastered on her face.

"So... what is-"

"Welcome welcome welcome! I say welcome to you! Welcome welcome welcome I say how do you do? Welcome welcome welcome, I say hip hip hooray! Welcome welcome to Equestria today!" She sang some welcome song, and more confetti shot out all around me.

"What on earth was that?"

"It was my welcome song to welcome you to Equestria. My hooves were moist, that is how I knew somepony new was here!" What the fuck?

"How does that tell you that there is a person here?" I asked, uncertain.

"Hey, eat some cake!" She grabbed a chunk of cake and shoved it in my mouth. Have you ever had a horse shove their hoof in your mouth? Should hurt right? Not this time, no. Her hoof was fleshy and squishy.

To be honest, it really wasn't that bad at all. It tasted pretty good. A little sweet for my tastes, I've always been into salty food, but whatever. I couldn't cough it out, so I decided to try and chew and swallow it.

"Um... thanks for the cake?"

"Oh you're welcome, I just wanted to say hello to you before I have to go, you and I won't be able to see each other for a few weeks, so I have to welcome you now. Now, I need get to get you back to Twilight's place. Follow me!" She immediately walked out the door of the tree house, and somehow climbed down a ladder.

"Come on, we gotta get you home before somepony realizes you're gone." I followed her down, looking around and seeing many apple trees in all directions.

"Where exactly are we?" I asked. Thinking back to it, I was acting way too chill for someone who had just been abducted from the prison they were being held in after being abducted from their home. Maybe Twilight had me on some shit.

"We are in Sweet Apple Acres, owned by my friend Applejack and her family. They make all sorts of apple goods for Ponyville and traders that come in from all around Equestria. You should try their pies, they're the best."

"And who are you?"

"You can call me Pinkie Pie!" Oh God, I thought Twilight Sparkle was a awful name. "I work at a bakery with Mister and Missus Cake. They're like my family here in Ponyville. Some bronies think I live with them, but I actually live in my own hut, like everypony else." I was lapping up any information I could get from this horse. If I was stuck here, I would want to know everything I can. She led me through the forest, and I was soon able to see a visible end to the trees. When we came out, we were standing next to a white fence that extended down the side of a dirt road leading around side of the forest of trees. The road going the other direction went into what looked like a town.

"I take it were going to that small village?" I asked, pointing to the place with wooden buildings and straw roofs

"Yup! We gotta sneak through though, Octavia likes to walk around at night and if she sees you the entire town will hear about it."

"Gotchya." And so Pinkie and I ran up to Ponyville while constantly scanning the area for any ponies walking around.

"So, tell me about Twilight Sparkle." I wanted to gather as much information about my captor as I could, should I end up having to eradicate her. I always had a systematic mind, I had long ago made a set of rules for me, rules by which I would always operate, rules I would use to govern my thoughts. I called these rules Logic. I don't want to reiterate them here. I have long ago bound myself to them, but they are cruel rules, rules that force me to hurt the minds of others sometimes. I wish I didn't have to, I always feel like I hurt myself when I hurt others, but sometimes these things need to be done, and I just have to accept the burden of guilt.

"Oh, Twilight is super duper friendly. She likes to read and she is the student of princess Celestia, the most powerful pony in Equestria. Oh fuck, if I make one wrong move this pony can probably sentence me to death.

"So tell me, does she have any authority?" The pink pony stopped, and turned to face me.

"These are some weird questions, why are you asking them?" Oh fuck, she isn't as ditzy as I thought.

"Oh no reason, it is just that I'm living with her and I was wondering about her. These aren't questions that you usually ask the person you are wondering about, so I figured I'd ask you, since you seem to be so friendly with her." I was grasping at straws. I really had no evidence that they were friends at all, but it seems my fast thinking saved me some suspicion.

"Oh no need to feel embarrassed! I am friends with everypony in town, and Twilight and I are super special best friends!" No dirty thoughts! No dirty thoughts! “Oh come on, we all have them.” She said. My subconscious prevented me from acknowledging that statement in an attempt to preserve my sanity.

"Well I'm glad to hear that." I said, calming down, "Maybe we will end up being super good friends one day." Yeah, if I knew where that would bring me, I would've run right out of that tree house the minute the pudding was gone.

"Don't worry, I know you and I will be the best of super good friends, I read ahead."

"You read ahead of what?"

"I know, I shouldn’t do that, it spoils the story, but I am always just so curious what’s going to happen next. Don't worry though; I won’t give you any spoilers." That was just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, like usual.

No more words were spoken during our walk through Ponyville. I was paying close attention to the buildings around us. They seemed like something out of the medieval era, but there was something off about it. I don't believe that they knew how to make garrison buildings back then, that was a more modern type of building structure.

I had spent a year or so in sixth grade looking over different types of architecture, I had a temporary interest in it. The first thing I studied was the history of how innovative ideas for new structures had come up, and how they were applied. I recalled that the idea of multi-story wooden structures were of a more modern kind. That’s interesting; this society holds kinds of technology from different human eras. This bears further investigation. I didn't know why I was brought here, but if this land was enough like Earth, I may be able to adapt without too much trouble..

We arrived at our destination. No wonder there were rings on the floor. I thought as I approached the door. I opened it and held it so for Pinkie to enter.

"Ladies first."

"Oh I'm not coming inside; I need to get ready for my trip."

"Oh, okay then. Goodbye, Pinkie Pie." And so she walked away. I entered the room that had been given to me, and wearily set to going to sleep. This is going to be an interesting life. That was the last thing I recall going through my mind before wistfully falling asleep.

Chapter 1 (2/2)

Chapter 2 (1/3)

Chapter 2 - Greet the New Day

Honestly, I think I preferred the wake up I got from Pinkie Pie much more than the one I got from Twilight. My eyes wearily opened, slowly taking in the light from the room. Instead of the expected light brown blur, I got a lavender purple blue.

"Get up!" She growled anger evident in her now focusing face.

"Just a few more minutes mom." I groggily said, pulling the covers over my head. She was not amused.

"Please, just get up. I have something I want to talk about." I slowly got out of bed, and sat upright on the bed.

"What is it?" I asked, obviously not too keen on getting out of the warm bed. Her face had a sense of slight aggravation.

"I know you went outside last night." I wasn't even going to try and deny it. I didn't do anything wrong so I would follow through with honesty.

"It isn't my fault, a pink pony named Pinkie Pie kidnapped me in the middle of the night and brought me to some tree house to throw me a party!"

"Is that so now? Well, while I admit I can think of no other reason for why you would know her name, I'm going to have to check on that story with her. I'm sending Spike down here to keep an eye on you and make sure you don't go anywhere." And so she left, much calmer than a few seconds earlier. I took this opportunity to take in what I say of her. She was horse shaped, like Pinkie, but seemed to be a bit skinnier than pinkie. She had a horn on her head, fortifying the statement that she was a unicorn, and she had a blackish mane with two purple stripes side by side going down from the base to the tip, if you know what I mean. A few seconds later, that purple lizard boy walked in, and he honestly looked kinda terrified of me. This kid is going to keep an eye on me? Oh my, how terrifying.

"Sup?" I said, earning a little jump from him.

"Uh, hi." he said, trying to look calm. I decided that if I were in his position, with some mystery creature that eats meat and is twice my size, I would be a bit on edge also.

"So, your name is Spike huh?"

"Yeah, it is." He just stood there shyly at the door, watching me intently with a frown. He didn't seem menacing so much as he did nervous.

"You have nothing to fear from me." I said, bluntly. There were situations that called for coercion, and sometimes the situation called for being blunt. This was the latter.

"I'm not afraid of you!" he said with a huff.

"Then why are you shaking?" I said with a sly grin. I was willing to be friendly with him, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to mess around with him.

"I'm not shaking, it's uh… cold. It is really cold." If I knew more about dragon anatomy back then, I would have pointed out that even dragon eggs were meant to survive extremely cold and extremely hot temperatures, so there was no excuse for the cold to be getting to him. I didn't know, however, and so I chose a different route.

"So you are giving me an excuse for why you are doing something you previously said you weren't doing?"

"Um… Yes?"

"So that means you lied to me?" I was faking an angry scowl, and I swear his eyes turned to pinpricks.

"I, no I didn't I just, uh, I don't know!" He was seriously freaking out now, so I decided I was satisfied and calmed him down.

"Relax I'm just screwing around with you. I don't even care about this." I plopped back down into the bed, not caring if my attempt to console him worked.

"So, human, what was it like where you came from?" My eyes shot open, and this time I was slightly irked.

"What did you just call me lizard boy?"

"I called you a human, which is what you said you are called right?"

"Do you walk up to a pony here and say, 'hey pony, how are you?'?"

"No, I don't."

"Then don't do it with me. You can call me 3CPO until further notice." I really should've thought of a name before spouting the first thing that came to mind. Oh well.

"Ok, 3CPO. So, what was it like where you came from?" I thought back to what my life was like before I ended up in a tree being held captive by a horse.

"Well... it was different. I really wasn't around for most of my childhood."

"Not around? What do you mean?"

"Well... that is hard to explain. I locked my mind up, for lack of a better term. I was someone else for a long time, until one of those someone elses woke me up. Spike, we shouldn't talk about this, it is a pretty violent story.

"Violent? Tell me, tell me!"

"Spike, I saw this one movie where a dragon had its throat slit. Want to hear about that one?"

"Um... No?"

"Good. So tell me, what time of year is it."

"It is late May, almost Summer. The schools have already let out though. It is pretty nice living with Twilight. I help her with chores around the place and I get to go places with her and her pony friends. I think you will get to meet them if Twilight says it is ok." These could end up being the first impressions that I make on this pony civilization. From now on I shall assume that the ponies are a suspicious and untrusting bunch until I find evidence that contradicts that. From what I heard of Twilight's presentation: there are agile pegasi that can chase me down; unicorns that can do hell knows what, I’ll assume from now on they can stop my beating heart with a single thought; and there are earth ponies that are strong as fuck. I will need to be careful on how I show myself to these few pony friends.

"Spike."

"Yeah?"

"Tell me about the pony friends you mentioned, what are their names?"

"Well there is Applejack; she works down at Sweet Apple Acres on her family farm. She is nice, hard working, and kind of blunt. There is Rainbow Dash, she and Applejack are always competing with each other. They're both cool. Twilight Sparkle, you know her, she’s a real brainiac. Then there is Rarity, total knock out! Twilight seems to think I don't have a chance with her, but feh, what does she know. You've got Pinkie Pie, she is a super party pony, and when she gets a sugar rush you better watch out. Finally, there is Fluttershy. She is real good with animals. She is also a Pegasus afraid of heights, what’s up with that right? And then there is me. Spike! Twilight Sparkle's radical, totally awesome assistant. I help her with everything and keep her totally on track." Wow, most humble guy I've ever met.

"Thanks Spike, I'm sure all this information will help." That was all that was said before Twilight Sparkle walked back in,

"Ok human you're-"

"3CPO." Spike corrected.

"Huh?"

"He said to call him 3CPO." Twilight looked to me for confirmation, I just shrugged.

"It will do for now." My mind was already shifting through different character's names from different games.

"Ok, 3CPO, I have a few questions for you now that I have cleared up the whole escaping business." I didn't like how she chose the word 'escape'.

"Alright, can I ask one first?"

"I suppose so, what is it?"

"Why exactly did you bring me here? I don't recall you explaining it."

"Didn't I? Oh well. Princess Celestia wishes for me to study a kind of magic I'm not fully practiced in. It is called Conjuring. You are the first thing I have conjured in years, and I am supposed to spend a year studying you. After that, I assume you are a free pon- er... human."

"Alright, well I guess I really don't have shit to do with the rest of my life, since, ya know, I've been torn away from my entire life to be a student's science project and all." You know, sometimes I want to slap myself. Just go back in time, line myself up for a perfect hit, and give me a good one right across the cheek.

"I told you I was sorry about that! Stop shoving it in my face!" She burst. I let her cry for a moment, because I knew that if I didn't use the right words, everything could turn to shit. Why does she even care? If I abducted some creature from another planet, well, I don’t really see myself caring whether or not they had plans. Yeah I was a dick. I’m not sure what was with me back then.

"Twilight, please don't cry. I hold no anger for you, and you have no need to feel guilty. There really isn't anything for you to feel guilty about Twilight." I knelt down beside her and lifted her eyes to meet mine. "I was likely going to die soon anyway, my death was just being postponed. This way I get to do something useful and then die. I am thanking you now Twilight, I might actually have a chance of survival because you brought me here." My cooing worked, as the unicorn was now calm and sedate.

"I'm really sorry; I didn't mean to take you away." I want to say you so did but… I think I’ve upset you enough.

"Twilight, I would have left soon anyway, you were just doing your job. You didn't take me away from anything I wasn't prepared to leave."

"But your family-"

"I left my family long ago, just not physically. They will no doubt mourn me, and will think me dead. Don't you worry about that, though…" Why though, what reason can I give her for not worrying? I knew she would want a reason, but I couldn't make one up fast enough, so I just sat there by her side, as she let out all her emotions.

"Thank you." She sniffled, hugging me back. I really didn't know what to say, so I just sat there next to her, hugging her. Now that I think about it. It has been years since I hugged someone. It has been even longer since it meant something to me. I’m not saying that hug meant anything to me, she was just a horse as far as I was concerned. A few moments passed before she dropped the hug, telling me she was all right.

"If you and I are going to become friends, I should start putting effort into building a good relationship with you." All she could do was hold a sappy smile on her face. She just sat there for a few moments before she pulled back the cloak of science-ness and walked over to the table.

"Spike, you can leave now. I'm fairly certain that 3CPO here means me no harm." While I am pleased that she made an active effort to show trust in me, I really hate that fucking name. Maybe Zelda? I don't know, I'll think of a name. Samus is bad ass, but it is a girl’s name. Hold on a second… I know what name I want.

"Twilight, Spike, please don't call me by that fake name anymore. My real name is Herbert Dashwood. Herbert 'Daring' Dashwood." Yeah, we are getting Fallout 3 up in this bitch!

"That's a pretty long name. Can I just call you Herbert?"

"Sure, unless we are being formal. Then call me Herbert Dashwood. The middle name is to distinguish me from other Herbert Dashwoods because there are so many of us."

"Is that really a common problem? Ponyville has almost a hundred ponies, and no one has the same name. How many of you are their usually in a city?"

"Oh maybe a couple hundred thousand," her jaw dropped," and sometimes even a couple million." her eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

"Sweet Celestia, there are over a hundred thousand humans where you come from?"

"Oh no, there are way more of us then that, you only asked about cities. I'm pretty sure we number somewhere close to a trillion."

"How is that possible? What about all the other races on your planet? Is there room for them?"

"Well to be honest, we sort of annihilated anything that could have threatened us in the past. If we want, we could wipe the planet clean of all life. Didn't I already say that before?" She disregarded my question as she wrote a flurry of notes on her notebook, constantly turning the page over.

"Tell me, what kind of weapons do you have?" Now, I was no idiot. If I bring human weaponry to this civilization, it could tear the world apart. In my opinion, if a species isn't smart enough to make a weapon, they aren't nearly smart enough to wield it properly.

"I'm afraid I cannot tell you that Twilight, I’m not very educated in that field.” Not entirely a lie.

"Ok, let’s move on from that, let us move to behavior. I'm going to place you in your room with Spike, and he will execute a few tasks. See how he acts, and respond as a normal human would."

"Kay." I walked into the bedroom and just sat on the bed until I heard the door close behind Spike.

Chapter 2 (1/3)

Chapter 2 (2/3)

I heard the door close behind Spike and assumed that this was one of the tasks and said.

"Ever think of knocking first, Spike?"

"Oh, I’m sorry Herbert."

"It's cool." The guy just stood there, looking at the list of stuff he held in his hand. He waved his hand at me. I waved back. He stuck his tongue out at me, and I gave a scowl. Made a silly face and I chuckled. Then, shit got real.

The little bitch walked over and slapped me on the cheek. He had three seconds to contemplate that poor life decision before I stood up and backhanded him, knocking him to the floor. I then walked away and grabbed a book from the shelf, then proceeded to walk out the door before I was stopped by what I assumed was magic.

"Just where do you think you’re going? You go help Spike up right now!"

"Hey, you wanted to know what humans do when slapped in the face, right? Well that depends on what kind of human it is. As for me, I grew up in Chicago, you don't fuck with kids in Chicago unless you're ready to back it up."

"Herbert, that wasn't a question. I don't care what kind of warrior rank you have back at home, you go help Spike up and you say you are sorry." She must care about this thing a lot if she is squaring up with me about it. Have I mentioned the height different between me and her? She went a bit past my belly button, and was plenty skinnier than me. I relented and walked over to help the poor kid up.

"here Spike, take my hand." He grabbed it and I pulled him up and made sure he was all good.

"Sorry for slapping you." He sniffed.

"Just don't do that shit again, Spike. I got slapped before and let it slide, and then things went downhill from there. Say, slapping isn't something that is commonly done in Pony World is it?"

"No, we don't slap you around, and I don't think I will try it any time soon." Voiced Twilight. I should hope not. I suppose you're wondering why I haven't mentioned she was in the room. I actually didn't know where she was. I've come to accept the fact that she was probably invisible somewhere inside the room and I just couldn't see her.

"So, what is next?"

"I'll be studying your behavior for a long time, so expect to have me around you at all times. I'm going to place you in a room with a pony now and see how you and she get along."

"That's cool I guess." I heard clopping hooves and saw Spike floating away, probably being carried by magic. I noticed an odd thing; he seemed to be glowing a bit, like light was shining on him in an odd way. I dismissed it as a trick of the light, and watched as he flew out the door. A few moments later, a sky blue pony walked through the door. Upon closer examination, I came to find she was a pegasus. She had a rainbow colored mane. Her hair was a messy bed head, obviously not having had much time put into it at all.

"Let me guess, you are Rainbow Dash." I said, nonchalantly.

"Whoa! How did you know?" Her voice was an amusingly squeaky and rough like a girl trying to sound loud and deep at the same time.

"Spike mentioned you, said you were cool." She grinned, and I knew immediately that if I play on her pride I could get whatever I wanted from her.

"But you never even saw me before. How could you have known this was what I looked like?"

"Pinkie Pie is pink, Twilight is the color of Twilight, stands to reason a pony named Rainbow Dash would be colored like the rainbow."

"You know, now that I think of it, a lot of ponies names have to do with what their job is..." So I guess assassins aren't very common then, one would be able to tell them just from their name. What would my name be? I bet it would be something like Doctor Persona. That sounds cool.

"So, you are here now, what do you want?"

"Twilight said she had a possibly dangerous creature here that we weren't allowed to see because you might try hurting us. You hardly look dangerous to me." I knew this was an opportunity to make myself seem harmless enough to get let out unsupervised.

"I'm not. To be honest, humans aren't very dangerous when they're alone, like I am. Put us in a group of ten or twenty, and we can do a little damage. But when you get enough smart ones together, they can think of ways to destroy entire cities with only a few of us."

"What about you, are you a smart one?"

"Well that is hard to tell. All humans are born thinking they're the best, and they are born thinking the person they look up to is the best, so I can't really say if I am smart or not without sounding childish or instinctive."

"Ok, whatever. I thought you were going to be exciting and dangerous, but you are just boring right now."

"If I act dangerous, what do you think Twilight will do to me?"

"She will keep you caged in, I guess."

"Exactly, and I don't want to stay caged in. So here is my plan. I’ll show that I'm safe, I’ll try to become a citizen in this country, then I will get a job, then once I can afford to live on my own I'll move out of this library and get my own house. I'll make some friends here in Pony land and just keep living one day at a time." Oh if only it were that simple, I wouldn't be sitting here with a missing finger trying to write a journal while freezing to death. Oh well.

"Sounds like a good plan, but how long do you think it will take?"

"Probably a month to prove I'm safe, Twilight seems to have good expectations of me. Then I'll need to look for a job, I was studying to become a kind of doctor, so maybe there will be spots for that. After that, just serve a purpose here, though I highly doubt that the ponies are going to be accepting of me at first, I'm an alien creature here, so there might be some racism faced towards me."

"Oh I doubt that, there are all sorts of races that ponies don't know about. They come in to visit with pony friends. I had a griffon friend named Gilda. She was the first griffon anyone here had ever seen, and no one freaked out. You'll just be another newcomer I'm sure." That is comforting.

"Well thanks for the reinforcement Rainbowdash, maybe you will end up being one of those friends I have here on Ponyville."

We spent a short while talking about each other's lives when Twilight opened the door. She seemed slightly surprised to see us acting so casually.

"So, Rainbow Dash, how did your conversation with Herbert go?"

"His name is Herbert? That’s a weird name. He's cool I guess. He seems a little boring though, always so calm. Are all humans like that?"

"No, most humans are all very different from each other. Some are like me, and others are different.” Judging from RD's expression, that's what I'm calling her in my journal from now on, she didn't really want a response to that question.

"Yeah, ok. Twilight, I'm going to go hang with Pinkie Pie, she said she is going on a trip tomorrow and this is my last chance to say bye to her."

“Would you mind if Herbert and I go with you? We’re going to Fluttershy’s so I can introduce the two.”

“Yeah that’s cool. Pinkie is at the market and that’s on the way to Fluttershy’s so we can stick together till then.” Rainbowdash walked down the stairs ahead of us and opened the door. I closed it behind us and we got to walking. We talked a bit on the way, and I came to understand that Pinkie was at the market getting party supplies to throw a birth day party for one of her sisters. While we were talking, I was looking around at the tattoos on the ponies’ butts. One had one of those things with strings, not a violin; it’s like a miniature harp. Don’t know what it’s called. I stared at Rainbowdash’s tattoo for a good long time, it was rainbow colored lightning coming out of a cloud. Maybe her name should be Thunder Thighs. She’s athletic, so yeah that could be an alias for her if she ever needs to go under cover.

After a good bit of walking through the market place, we found Pinkie Pie.

“Hey guys! I’m going to miss you both so much!” She drew out the so while she wrapped her arms around all three of us. I’m surprised our necks didn’t break in the grip of her strong arms. I really don’t like how touchy she is.

“Pinkie Pie let me go!” I choked out, hardly able to breathe. She loosened her grip and I broke free.

“Hey Pinks,” RD’s talking here, “Just wanted to say bye before you head out to see your family.” Pinkie gave Rainbowdash another hug.

“Thanks Dashie. I can’t wait to be back, and I haven’t even left yet.” She said.

“Oh, and this is Herbert.” Rainbowdash introduced me to Pinkie, not knowing we already met. “Herbert ‘Daring’ Dashwood.” She added on. Pinkie looked at me and laughed.

“Good one.” She said. “You know, he was one of my favorite characters. Argyle sure was funny though.” She reminisced. I gaped.

“Buh- what?” I was astounded that this pink horse was talking about a human video game.

“Oh she’s just being Pinkie Pie.” Rainbowdash played it off. No that’s… no amount of randomness can explain that… I didn’t go too far with trying to understand her.

“Well, if you guys are going to Fluttershy’s I can tag along. I’m dropping off gummy there.” She turned her head to reveal an alligator chomping on her tail. I got a concerned look.

“Is that safe?” I asked.

“Oh don’t worry, he would never hurt me.” She grabbed him and snuggled him close. “And besides,” She said, “he’s got not teeth!” She opened his mouth and I could see quite plainly that there were no teeth.

“Sorry Pinks.” Rainbowdash said. “I only have time to say goodbye, I need to get to work.” She stretched her wings wide, and then flew away.

“Bye Dashie!” Pinkie shouted after her. Then, her eyes were on us.

“So, are we going?” Twilight nodded and gestured with her head in the direction we were going while she said.

“So when are you leaving for your farm?” I asked, wanting to make some kind of conversation.

“Tomorrow evening.” She replied.

“Oh… So Pinkie, how did you even get Gummy?”

Pinkie related to us the story of how she performed as a jester at some buffalo war camp many years ago as a child, telling jokes and doing tricks and telling stories. Apparently, this alligator was the offspring of some extremely deadly alligator breed that lives for hundreds of years and grow super massive. This one was only ten years old. It was given to her as a gift for doing something Pinkie never mentioned. She just said it was a ‘task of extreme importance.’

Her tale really helped pass time, as we got to the little cabin in the outskirts of a badass forest in the blink of an eye. Pinkie walked up and knocked on the door with a hoof. The door opened a crack, and out popped the eye of a yellow mare.

Chapter 2 (2/3)

Chapter 2 (3/3)

"Oh. Hi girls." She opened the door a little wider and her eyes shot open when she saw me.

"Aw! Who is this little guy?" Little? I'm almost twice your height. She was flying all around me now, taking in every little detail.

"Hello Fluttershy," Twilight began," this is Herbert 'Daring' Dashwood."

"Oh, what is he? I've never seen an animal like him before."

"He is a species from another world, they're called Human."

"They're so cute, with their red little cheek and their short hair." She was patting my head, and for some reason I couldn't bring myself to feel ticked off. Twilight obviously noticed my neutrality, judging by her next comment.

"Wow, he lets you get closer to him than anyone else. Spike couldn't even put a hand near his face without getting slapped." I smirked, remembering the feeling of hard scales on the back of my hand, but then I wondered just how badly that hurt him? That was very insensitive of me. I knew he was just following orders, and I beat him... I need to take my actions into more careful consideration from now on. I affirmed to myself in my head. Lately, before I came to Equestria, I was trying to change the way I behave. I’ve become an insensitive, cocky jackass lately and I didn’t like it. Believe it or not, there was a time when I was timid and shy.

"Oh no, he didn't hurt Spike did he? Is he a dangerous animal? Where did you even find him?" She backed away from me a bit, probably worried about whether or not she would be attacked for touching my head.

"Oh no, he just thought Spike was challenging him. He seems to be a docile creature, as far as I can tell. I actually brought him to you because I need help getting food for him. He can't survive off of most food ponies eat; he needs different kinds of plants. He is also a meat eater, and I know you have some way of getting meat for your animals, so I was wondering if you would be able to get any extra for your animals."

"Oh, that would be alright, I guess. How much meat does he eat?"

"Oh not much, about one chicken split up into three meals along with more vegetables and some starches every day." I said; finally glad to get a word into this conversation.

"Oh, he talks? I didn't know that. Does he hunt for himself?"

"Well I could hunt for myself, but most humans don't hunt. We have humans who hunt and humans who stay back to do farming, medical things, political things, or crafting stuff. Then there are people who just sit around all day and eat potato chips. I was studying to be a doctor for the mind back at home, but I should probably learn to hunt for myself. Perhaps I could go with you?" She looked like she was going to accept when Twilight interjected.

"No Fluttershy, he can’t.” She turned to me. “I am not letting you out of my sight for some time. I need to document your behavior. Maybe another day you two can hunt, but not today." I did not like being a prisoner to a horse, but I suppose they would need to keep an eye on a meat eater like me for their own safety.

"I'm going to need to be getting some exercise Twilight. Humans get really sluggish when they don't exercise."

"Don't worry Herbert; there will be plenty of time for you to exercise." I suppose I have put off describing the quiet one. She had a creamy yellow colored fur. Her hair was pink like the sunrise, and her eyes were a blue like the sky. She was now kicking the ground with her hoof, probably a sign of nervousness. I began to wonder just what kind of life had shaped her into the apparently mixed up creature that stood before me. Maybe she’s just naturally shy. I thought.

Twilight made a motion indicating it was time for us to be leaving. Silently, I followed reflecting on the previous events.

I will not question the event with Pinkie Pie, maybe I will find an explanation for that later… Rainbowdash seems pleasant enough, a little blunt for my tastes, but the more friends I have the better I look. Though, I don’t want to be friends with people who annoy the shit out of me… These things should be saved for later, when I actually have established who is a bitch face and who is tolerable. Fluttershy… I’m not very good with talking to quiet people, not that I’m much a talker myself… Well, if she’s going to be getting me food, I’ll want a good relationship with her… Odd, how a herbivore is hunting for the omnivore. I wonder if there is a benefit to being just a carnivore or just an herbivore. I mean, does it take more energy to have the ability to process both types of food? How did I even get to this train of thought? I stopped thinking and looked around me, we were walking alongside the same white fence Pinkie led me by that previous night. On the other side of the fence was a lively little forest of apple trees.

“So where exactly are we going now?” I asked. “I think this is where Pinkie took me when she kidnapped me last night.” It was then that I realized Pinkie Pie was no longer accompanying us. Perhaps she had left our group while I was thinking to myself.

“That’s odd… I wonder why she would bring you over here. It’s an awful long walk. What is it she did to you last night again?”

“She threw me a welcome party in a tree house.” She nodded to herself.

“Makes sense now. She wanted a quiet place to welcome you. Anyway, I’m bringing you here to secure a source of plant matter. The Apple family owns this farm, and one of them is a very close friend of mine. I’m hoping she will be willing to lend us some of her excess harvest.” As she told me this, we approached a red barn. “Oh shoot.” She said.

“What?” I asked.

“I actually have something private I need to talk to her about; maybe you could wait out here?” I nodded and walked over to a fence near a big ass mud pile and leaned on it. As I sat out there, I heard some pig noises, I recognized them from the times I’ve visited a farm stand to pick up some herbs for my garden back home, and realized something. They have freaking pigs here? Do they eat meat? In retrospect, I realize that not all residents of Equestria are ponies, and so some of them are probably meat eaters. Sweet Apple Acres is probably just trying to be diverse.

Apparently, it was a short talk as Twilight came out not too long after.

“Alright, we’ve secured your food source.” She stated, leading me down the dirt road. “Now I have some questions about your exercise habits. Firstly, though, do you spend much time outside?”

“I probably should spend more time outside, and I will if you let me, but most of my time at home was spent reading, studying other people’s behavior, or just lazing around.” That’s not going to benefit me in this world… I’ll need to get in better shape. I noticed Twilight had a good sized smile on her face. I wasn’t sure why at the time. There were no more words spoken between us, though I noticed the unicorn was humming a song as we walked.

"When we arrived at the library, I had taken note of some of the odd glances I got from ponies as I walked through. They didn't seem overly surprised to see me, but they obviously weren't expecting me. It seemed they were accustomed to seeing strange creatures, I can only imagine why.

"I need to get to writing out the activities we did today. I'll be sending them to Princess Celestia later today. Why don't you hang out in your room? I'll come for you if I feel I need anything from you." She began trotting off. Oh God, I'm using pony verbs now, what am I becoming? Anyway, I just walked back into my bedroom, and began browsing through the books on the shelves, looking for anything on medicine. I found two books: 'Alchemical Anomalies'; and 'Medical Magic: A Primer'. I was actually kind of interested in the idea of practicing alchemy, I mean, who knows how much free time I will have. And the primitive medicine they would probably have here could definitely use some work. As for the other book, I was rather interested in how the unicorns played a part here in medical society. I can't imagine a doctor having to use stumps to work on a patient, so most doctors are probably unicorns anyway. I set down the medical book, as it would probably not do me as good a service as the knowledge of using plants to survive. I began reading the table of contents to know just what kind of things I would be learning, and decided it best to gather some knowledge on flora and fauna and the world around me before going into how to use them. So I set that book down next to the bed and began searching around the room for books related to the known ecosystems and different kinds of wild life. I found plenty more books about locations and types of plants than I did about animals. Obviously these ponies don't have much curiosity, or there aren't that many wild animals around.

I set to reading about the different types of ecosystems, and found that there was an even greater diversity here than on Earth, as magic seems to influence how places will grow. That was interesting, so I set that book down and went to find books about magic. I'm not going to bother going into how long I spent looking for books related to magic, but I found some of them, and I was yet to start reading when Spike opened the door and peeked in.

"Hey Spike, what's up?"

"Twilight sent me here to see if you needed someone to keep you company." He was stuttering slightly, so I knew there was something he wasn't telling me.

"No, I'm cool. You go hang with Twilight." I got an unexpected reaction.

"Please don't make me go back to her! She is going to make me help her write a summarization report! Those always take hours and I have to stand and hold papers and proof read and proof read my proof readings. It is awful, please let me stay!" When I heard him mention the report, I started paying more attention. Sure, earning the trust of as many people here as I can was my top priority, but this was an opportunity to gather information. If I could convince this child to leak information to me, then I could have a potential advantage. This was a gamble though, if I fumble with my words the wrong way he will become suspicious of me. If he tells Twilight that I asked him to tell me what she was reporting to her princess, then she would no doubt keep a tighter leash on me. I would need to be careful.

"You really don't like helping her with those reports, do you?" I said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"No, I love helping her with everything else but those are just the worst."

"Well then, I'll make a deal with you. If you go with her this time and stay help her with her report, and come later and tell me what she reported, I’ll let you hang out with me whenever you want after-" I didn't even get to finish my sentence.

"You've got a deal; I'll come back in a few hours." Wow, that easy? He scurried out of the room, his tail scratching the floor behind him. When he closed the door behind him, I began organizing my books in sets, so that once I had finished with one set, I would know what set I was reading those for. I immediately began reading 'Fundamentals of Magic'. I was finally getting my head wrapped around what their concept of magic was when the door opened and Twilight strode in. At first, I thought Spike narked on me, but I was wrong. She just wanted to double check some questions with me.

"Herbert, I have to double check some things you say, I have noticed something that seems contradict- what are you doing with all those books?" She was looking at my lines of book stacks set across the floor in groups of three to five. I smiled sheepishly and tried to formulate an answer that wasn't entirely a lie but didn't draw too much suspicious either.

"Oh, well usually when a human discovers something we haven't encountered before, our first instinct is to gather as much information about it. I am doing that with magic, and I think I'm starting to understand just what it is. I don't understand any of how it works or how it is manipulated, and I'm not really interested in that. I just want to know what it is."

As clumsy as that sounded to me, she seemed to accept it. The part about me not being interested in manipulation was a shit-faced lie. If I could find a way to harness it, you can bet your kid's life I'm interested.

"Well that sounds very interesting; I may put you through some tests to see just how far that instinct can drive you. Would you care to answer a few questions?"

"Why not, what have you for me?" She shuffled through some papers with magic and looked up to face me.

"You say humans are docile, and yet you have conquered your planet. How is this possible?"

"Well to say that all humans are docile is a dramatic exaggeration. Many humans are docile, but there are some less docile than others. If one human is passionate enough, they can, for lack of a better term, ignite passion in others. Intelligent humans are better at igniting than non-intelligent humans usually, because they can pick their words better. Less intelligent humans tend to be easy to manipulate, but occasionally hard to predict because of their lacking in reasoning. That is just taking intelligence, I haven't even begun to pick into the effects that heritage and life time experiences can have on whether or not a person acts in certain ways. There are also some birth defects that can occur that can alter all sorts of things in the human mind. I don't fully understand all of it, as I was just a student when I was brought here." I was careful not to say ripped away, as I really wasn’t in the mood to hurt her again. Maybe I’d abuse her emotions later.

"Ok, so humans are docile until they are provoked, and how long can a human stay provoked?"

"Well, that is an interesting question. Some humans can feel passionately against something their entire lives and are constantly building up anger to release when it is called upon. There is a common misconception that anger makes a person stronger, when in actuality it is the desperation for success that comes with the anger that causes a person to tap into their reserved energy. The strong emotion is what causes the adrenaline rush, a person can be just as lethal when overly happy, perhaps even more so, than when their logic is clouded by sporadic anger and impulsive desires to commit violence." I didn't want to give her too much information, but I have always had a habit of droning on about these things and tended to lose myself in a vortex of information. It excited me to no end, and it does to this day.

"That is very interesting. I will be sure to include that in my report to the princess. Thank you Herbert." I grinned at the title, thinking about listening to GNR on the Pip-Boy in Fallout 3. My nostalgia was short lived, however, as my logical side took over. I directed myself to the books I was reading and began absorbing as much information as I could. This would all be useful to me. After reading for a few hours, I slowly passed to sleep.

Chapter 2 (3/3)

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Into the Fire

I awoke the next day to find Spike jabbing me in the chest.

"Herbert, are you awake?"

"Yeah, I'm up. What do you want Spike?"

"Well, I came in here last night to tell you about the report, but you were asleep in a stack of books." I looked over to see one of my piles had been knocked over, presumably from when I fell into it while dozing off. Am I really that deep of a sleeper?

"Did you move me in my sleep?"

"Yeah, that isn't a problem is it?" He said, obviously not wanting to make me angry.

"No, I guess it’s ok this time. Just don’t make a habit of it, I find it kind of creepy, being touched in my sleep." Creepy or… unpleasantly reminiscent.

"Ok, do you still want to hear about the report?" No, absolutely not. Where would you get that idea?

"Yeah, sure, I’d love to." I faked nonchalance.

"Ok, well basically she said you seemed to have a subtly manipulative nature, but hurting ponies seems to never be your goal as whenever you cause somepony to be upset, you immediately work to fix it. She said you seem to strongly enjoy learning and then she went on about how much fun it would be to read with you and other boring stuff. Do you really think reading is fun?"

"Actually, yes I do. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. She also said stuff about your chances of survival without our help is low and other stuff." It slightly hurt me to consider how true that was. From what I had learned about magic and flora so far, the world itself could be considered a predator. It would be a tough thing to overcome. I have at least a year to prepare myself before Twilight will probably throw me out into the wild. She wouldn’t. I know this now.

"Alright, thanks Spike. Pop in whenever you want." He didn't say anything, just walked out. I decided I'd go check in with Twilight and see what I would be doing today. So I walked out of my bedroom and looked around. On the other side of a table with a wooden horse head on it was a staircase going up. I went up that staircase and it brought me to a mix of living room and kitchen. I looked up and saw another staircase leading to a door. Since this room was empty, I was hoping she would be in there. I walked over to the staircase and head on up.

Now, I knew better than to open a closed door without knocking first. I knocked on the door and Twilight answered.

"Give me a minute." I stood for a few seconds before the door opened, and Twilight seemed to jump back at my presence.

"What are you doing out of your room? Didn't I tell you not to leave unless Spike or I come for you?" She seemed a bit irate. Oh shit, that's right! She did tell me not to leave that room.

"Oh! I forgot all about that Twilight, sorry. I was coming to ask you what you had for me to do today. I'm usually at school learning, but that isn't going to be happening anymore. You said you were working on a report yesterday, could I maybe read it?" I knew that wasn't going to work, but I figured I may as well show some curiosity.

"Oh, not right now, maybe some other time." Keep in mind, other time includes but is not limited to never…

"Well in that case, I would like to talk to you about something when you have a moment."

"Alright then, you obviously know your way around, so wait for me in the lobby and I'll be right with you." I nodded and started walking down the staircase. Have I mentioned yet I was naked? I know I mentioned I came here without clothes, but I don't think I mentioned just how awkward it felt to be talking to people while naked. I was originally going to talk to Twilight about what happens when she is done studying me, but now I was wondering what a guy like me had to do to get some clothes. It made it much more awkward that her face was pretty close to my dick. I walked downstairs and sat down at the table. Before Twilight got down, someone walked through the door. I looked up to see Fluttershy with some bags strapped on her back.

"Oh. Hello Fluttershy." She seemed really happy to see me, she hopped right over.

"Hi Herbert, how are you today?" Whoa, give me some space, jeez. I backed away a bit, as she was getting right in my face.

"I'm doing fine. How about you?"

"Today has been just wonderful. Angle and I went hunting for food, and we got you something." She reached into what I guess qualifies as a back pack for ponies, and pulled out the arm of a lion.

"Holy shit, did you kill a lion?" I was suddenly terrified of these ponies, they hunt meat?

"Oh I'll show you how I got it. But we will need to wait until Twilight says it is ok for you to come with me. I don't want to make her upset." Speaking of Twilight, she just walked in to the lobby of the library.

"Oh hi Fluttershy, are you and Herbert getting along?"

"Oh yes Twilight." Fluttershy seems to act calmer when ponies are around than when it is just her and an animal.

"Well I'm glad to hear that. Did you come over to visit?"

"Well I guess I could stay, but I just came to drop off a manticore arm. I don't have anything else to do though so I guess I'll stay."

"Oh Fluttershy, I don't know how you get these things but I don't care anymore. I just want to thank you for being so generous with your feed for your animals. I know I couldn't get this on my own." I was beginning to become much more suspicious on how Fluttershy was acquiring this meat. I knew better than to allow myself to try prying into other people's business, so I decided to play the curious visitor role.

"So Twilight, Fluttershy, tell me, how did you two meet?" They both had a glazed look over their eyes as they were probably looking back on memories.

"I remember that day." Twilight said.

"I was helping my bird friends get ready to sing for princess Celestia, and then Twilight came and said hello."

“We were all pretty poorly written back then.” Pinkie Pie said as she walked past the library. I think I was the only one who heard her.

"Yeah, I was supposed to check on all the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration." Fucking alliteration man, it is getting on my nerves.

"Summer Sun Celebration? What is that?" Twilight jumped at the opportunity to answer a history question.

"Oh, it is a ceremony celebrating Celestia's defeat over Nightmaremoon. Nightmaremoon once went by the name of Luna. They ruled together over Equestria for many thousands of years when Luna started to become jealous of Celestia because ponies seemed to pay her more attention than herself. Eventually she rose in rebellion and assaulted the princess. Afterwords, princess Celestia had no choice but to use the Elements of Harmony to send Luna to the moon. The Elements- What are you laughing at?" I had burst out laughing the minute she said the thing about sending her sister to the moon. It took me a few seconds before I was able to collect myself and respond.

"So let me get this straight: Celestia's sister gets jealous and throws a fit, and instead of locking her in a dungeon or something to cool down or whatever, she sends her to the fucking moon? What, did she suffocate and die up there? I can only imagine she would have popped like a grape by the time her hooves touched the ground there." They were looking at me with a mix of disgust, offense, and confusion. I decided I should clarify.

"What I'm saying is, why didn't she send her to the dungeon or something rather than rocket her into space? I mean, it must have been awful to be sent to the moon to die within thirty seconds of getting there."

"Oh no, Luna isn't dead. She was staying in her palace on the moon. She served her sentence of one thousand years before using ancient solar magic to free herself from the chains that had been placed on her." I managed not to laugh at the 'thousand years' remark, and paid close attention to her comments.

"Solar magic? What is that? I haven't found any books on that in your library Twilight, though I admittedly haven't seen all the books."

"Oh, well don't bother looking for any, this library doesn't have any books about that. And it most certainly doesn't have any secret compartments. I have been living here for around a year now and re-shelf it constantly, so I most certainly would have discovered any compartments before season two. This most certainly isn't a writer’s way of flipping off the show that inspired this story or anything, so don't bother considering that as a possibility."

"Oh... Okay. I'm not going to bother asking about what Solar Magic is, I barely understand normal magic right now. Get back to telling me about how you met."

"Okay, well I was checking the preparations for the celebration and that involved checking up on the music."

"I was nearby helping my bird friends get synchronized and get the right notes when Twilight came by and said hello."

"Fluttershy was much more of a shy pony back then, and was too frightened to even talk to me." Fluttershy gave a visible blush, showing her embarrassment. Twilight chuckled and draped a hoof over her shy friend, and smiled.

"She has come a long way since then, right?" She gave a quiet nod. I decided to draw attention away from the subject that was making the mare uncomfortable and ask about something else that I was curious about.

"Twilight, will I ever be meeting this princess Celestia? I highly doubt it, considering how her schedule would probably packed full of royal duties."

"Actually, a surprisingly large amount of her time is spent by herself. I don't know what she does, but I have always meant to ask. I asked her once as a filly, but she said she might tell me when I'm older." It took all my self control not to laugh right in their faces again.

"I should be getting back to my hut now, I'm sure Angle is getting lonely without me."

"Goodbye Fluttershy." said Twilight and I in unison.

"So, what do we do now?" I asked, unsure of what I would spend the rest of my day doing. I was hungry, so I would have to bring that up.

"Oh, I think you called me down for something earlier didn't you? Maybe we could talk about it over breakfast. I have plenty of nuts and beans you could eat; do you eat meat raw or cooked?" I had never eaten meat not cooked, but I was sure that was for a good reason.

"I think we should wait until we can cook this, I think I get sick from eating raw meat."

"Well alright, I'm sure Spike can cook it for you. Spike!" Spike came running down the stairs.

"Yes Twilight?"

"Can you make me and Herbert some breakfast?" So… He is some kind of servant? Maybe a ... what were those people called that served knights in hopes of becoming a knight themselves? Squires right? I nodded in affirmation, earning a puzzled look from Spike. I just grinned at him, knowing that I was going to have a very positive effect on his life.

"Sure Twilight." And up he went. I shook my head in pity.

"Is something the matter Herbert?" Concern was evident in her voice.

"No, he just reminds me of someone from back home. Tell me how long until breakfast is ready?"

"Oh he usually doesn't take too long; you should probably go give him the manticore arm for him to cook." I was really hoping he knew how to skin meat, this thing was super hairy. I grabbed the arm and carried it over my shoulder up the stairs. I decide I should test how much of a slave he was and treat him like a piece of shit.

"Cook this." I dropped the arm on the floor next to him and walked off. I heard a faint 'yes sir' from behind me, and I gulped, fearing he may be far too gone for me to help him. I sat at the nearest table and Twilight came up with a book from my pile. Oh God, what fresh hell is this? I really hoped she wasn’t becoming suspicious.

"Herbert, I see you have been reading about Equestria's geography. Why is this?" I wanted to mouth off to her, but I had been thinking about how I probably have no rights in their legal system, so she could probably lock my ass in a dark room with nothing to do for as long as she pleased.

"I am wondering about the world I'm now living in. I'm sure once you have finished studying me, you will send me off into the world on my own. Because of this, I'm studying the world around me so I know what area would be best for me. I'm considering the Everfree Forest." I just pulled that out of my head from the few places I had read about. I knew that place was near here and was considered dangerous, so it might make me look like a badass if I say I liked the idea of living there, or it would make me look like a dumbass. She gasped, and stared at me in shock.

"You cannot be serious! That place is extremely dangerous; no pony comes back from there alive. With your weaker limbs and lack of sharp teeth or claws, there is no way you can survive in that place by yourself. The animals take care of themselves, plants grow without help, and clouds move all on their own!" I gave her a deadpan look.

"Yeah? So what, all that stuff happens where I come from." She looked at me with a sense of wonder.

"Really? I need to ask you more about your home world, it sounds terrifying."

"Oh Twilight, I have a question.

"Yes?"

"Do you ponies have rubber or leather?" I immediately regretted mentioning leather, considering what it was. However, Twilight never got a chance to answer, as a powerful heat immediately enveloped me. The last thing I saw was Twilight watching me with an expression of… Well, it’s like a cringing, like seeing something really gross or painful and imagining that it was happening to you. That’s all I saw before passing away.

Chapter 3 Chapter 4 (1/2)

Chapter 4 - Skid Marks

Well, I decided to skip a large portion of time because frankly, I have no clue what happened. I remember talking with Twilight, and I remember a horrible burning sensation, and I remember hitting the floor. If I started writing this a while ago, I probably would have remembered what happened much better, but I only started writing this down here, after Fluttershy started writing hers. We want people to know who we were and learn from our mistakes once we are dead. I’m pretty sure that is what is going to happen. Anyway, I woke up from a dreamless sleep almost three weeks later.

"What in God's name?" I muttered trying to get up. I immediately shrieked in pain, my back felt like it was being ripped open. I fell backwards. I began to tear up, the worst burn I had ever had before was when I, like a moron, tried to take a rack out of a 400* oven with my bare hands.

"Why... do I hurt?" I heard clopping to my left, and I looked over to see Twilight walking over to me.

"Herbert, I'm so happy to see you awake. I've been worried about you." She said in a sympathetic tone.

"Twilight, how did this happen? Why am I here like this?” I said, my cheeks slightly stinging. It felt like I did a bad job shaving.

"Herbert, I had to put you to sleep for a while. It was a magic induced coma; I wanted to keep you asleep so you wouldn't harm yourself. It isn't like you would be doing much anyway, besides suffering. I didn't want you to have to suffer." I lifted my arm, and saw some scarred tissue along it.

"Don't worry about your body; I've been taking care of all your needs."

"I see, and how did I come across these burns?"

"You and I were having a conversation when an unknown accident caused you to be enveloped by flames. I am really sorry, I have done all I can to speed up your healing and reduce your pain, but that isn't much. With as little as I know about human anatomy, I have little power over it." Her explanation seemed sound for the most part, but one thing stood out. She said the mishap had an unknown cause, and I found it very hard to believe that she would give up trying to find the cause of an incident, in her own home no less. Wouldn't she keep looking for it so she could prevent it from happening again?

"Well, you have my most sincere thanks for taking care of me so, Twilight. I do think I will need to stay in bed a bit longer though, as my inner thighs feel quite painful at the moment. Would you please bring me a few books from the toppled over stack?" Her face brightened up.

"Can I read to you, Herbert?" Read to me? Why would you want to do something like that?

"I took the liberty of reading all the books in your piles, and I happened to find a few books that may clarify what is referenced in some of these books." I looked over their titles: The Gryphon Effect; Pegasi and Weather; The Rifts. The first two I could guess at but the third title was a mystery to me. I looked at her with a confused look.

"The Rifts? What is that about?"

"There are areas on our planet that alter based on what occurs in other dimensions. This is caused by rifts. You will find more in the book itself, I haven't read that far into it yet, as it is a newly published book. So can I?"

"Thank you very much Twilight, but I don't think I would be much company. Talking hurts a bit."

"Oh, I wouldn't mind at all. I like reading and I've never had a reading buddy before." My arms do feel pretty sore, I probably can't sit up to read, and I do hate being alone with my memories...

"If you really want to, I suppose that would be nice, yes you can read to me.

"Thanks, what book do you want to read first?"

"How about that Rift book you mentioned, you said you hadn't read it all yet, so it can be new for both of us." She brought the book over by me and sat down, then began to read. We continued this for many days, her coming to sit, me trying to sit up to see her and shouting at the top of my lungs when I failed, her grabbing a new book, and reading it with me. Sometimes I would try reading to her, and we would just share many books. In one of our sittings, we were talking about Equestrian society when a question came to mind.

"Twilight?"

"Yes Herbert?"

"What is Equestria's stance on inter-species relationships?" It honestly seemed an innocent question in my mind, but came out in a way that I hadn't intended it to. Her eyes lit up for a moment, and a confused face plastered her, but she immediately calmed down and answered with a pleasant voice.

"In Ponyville, there are none, in all of Equestria, they are very common. Equestria is more than just ponies, but we do form the majority of the population. Why were you curious about something like that?" Did I just give her the wrong idea? She was scooting very close to me. I think I did... fuck...

"I was just thinking about something I'd like to do some day." I know I say the wrong thing pretty often, but that one was inexcusable... I pretty much said 'Yes Twilight lets fuck sometime'. I think I’ll just serve my year here, and then try to find a tribe of talking monkeys and marry one of them. A monkey is a stretch for me, but a horse is not… not even a thing.

"Oh. Okay." She seemed content, and I prayed she wouldn't make an advance on me.

The next nine days went on the same, but I never found myself bored in her presence. She always had something new to talk about, and they always interested me. However, the tenth day was a bit special, compared to the other ones. It was the day I thought I might have an equalizer with these ponies.

Twilight was reading to me. It was a book about how the Unicorn's body allows them to use magic, and about how there are other species that can use it as well.

"'The area of the brain devoted to magic is nothing more than an extension of the sensory processors. That part of the brain is least used because there are almost no sensitive spots on a Pony's body. Unicorns and Alicorns have more nerves in their horns than even in their reproductive organs. In order to manipulate magic, one must have a large enough concentration of nerves in order to be capable to manipulate the field of magic.'" There was a reference box next to that last sentence. I would look into that later. So by this logic, I may able to manipulate the field of magic like a unicorn? Do I have enough nerves to manipulate the magic? Where on the human body is there a large concentration of nerves? The hands, the prostate, the face, and the genitalia are a few. I really hope I don't need to use my dick to use magic...I chuckled a bit too myself.

A couple of days later, I found myself able to walk about. It wasn't really comfortable, and I still had lots of scars, but I could walk without clenching my teeth.

"This is great, Herbert. Soon you will be able to walk around Ponyville."

"Implying you will allow me to, right?"

"I think I can let you get outside every once in a while. We do have a big skid mark in our tests we should fill in, but when that is over with you will be free to have some time to yourself."

"I'm looking forward to it.

When Twilight left that day, she had stayed longer than usual; I immediately got up and looked for the book with the reference box. Finding it, I set to looking through the shelves for the books listed in that box. I found two of them, and I added them to the pile of books we would read in the coming days. If my theory was correct, that book would have more information on how I could manipulate magic. Long story, short, it was and I found the book. I tossed it in my unrated pile. In it were the books Twilight had given me, and books I knew had to do with my readings but didn't know where they fit. I continued reading on magic and how it is affected and the affects it has on the world.

The sun was high in the sky when Spike walked in with a list.

"Hello Herbert." He seemed guilty about something, judging from his aversion to eye contact and his kicking at the floor.

"Hey Spike." I said in the most welcoming voice I had. I hadn't seen any of the other ponies in a while, but I was actually hoping to change that. Pinkie Pie had seemed an interesting character, and I recalled her saying she would be back around this time. My thoughts were getting off track, and Spike pulled me back into reality.

"Herbert, Twilight wants you to come with me; she has been working on something upstairs for the last month." Makes sense, it is about time she did more tests on me. I followed him through the library to the second floor, and I saw Twilight just sitting there on the floor. The walls were barren of any previous decoration and the room was absolutely empty except for many wooden boards stacked up against a wall behind her.

"Sup Twilight, what have ya got for me?" She grinned, and I was immediately worried.

"You say you humans are good at problem solving, I'm going to put that theory to the test. First thing is navigation. I am going to make a maze for you by moving these boards around you to simulate walls. You will try to find your way to me through the maze I set for you." This sounded like a stupid test, and I was really not interested in it.

"Why didn't you just build a real maze instead of making one for me as I go? Isn't that kind of stupid? Besides, wouldn’t you just forget the pattern of the maze? Like, you would forget where a "

"I'm not a builder, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash are both really busy, so I'm improvising. Any more questions before we get started?" I shook my head and began walking toward her. I'm not going to write down what that test was like, because I don't want to remember that boring waste of twenty minutes. The next test, believe it or not, was a Rubik’s Cube.

"Oh come on Twilight, don't make me do this. I hate these things, big wastes of time." She shook her head, twisted the thing around, and then set it in front of me. I sighed and set to work on it. I'm not sure if I want to write down any other test she gave me, that dick cube took me more than an hour. One of them involved trying to find holes in logic presented to me. Finally, to my relief, it was all put to a stop. Felt like hours had passed, it was probably five or something.

"Alright Herbert, I'm through for today." I was furiously pumping an air pump trying to get it in the green when she said that.

"Thank you sweet lord, I promise, whatever I did to make this happen, it won't happen again!"

"Er... Herbert, I'm a commoner, the royals live in Canterlot, usually. Besides, the proper term is Lady." I tried to ignore Twilight acting like a blonde and collected myself.

"Okay, is it time to eat yet?"

"I suppose. Fluttershy hasn't been bringing any meat by since you went to sleep, but I'm sure we can get you something. I've been feeding you applesauce and beans while you were out, so that is all I have for you."

"Hi Herbert, whatcha doin?" Pinkie Pie said as she popped out of the shower head while I was lathering myself with soap.

Chapter 4 (1/2)

Chapter 4 (2/2)

I woke up seven minutes later to find a bandage on my head and Twilight scolding Pinkie Pie.

"Herbert, I'm sorry I made you slip and yell 'Holy Fuck' and cry and fall asleep and make Twilight's shower all red and stuff and how have you been?" The only words of that I caught were 'I'm sorry I made you fuck Twilight'.

"You did what?" I was about to freak out.

"Yeah! The shower's floor is all red now and you're finally awake after it."

"Twilight, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay Herbert, Pinkie Pie does it all the time." I was giving her a ‘what the fuck’ look.

"So, Pinkie Pie does that to people all the time?" I was forming an entirely new opinion of this pony with every word.

"Yes, but usually not in the shower. Usually it is while you are walking on the street. She does it to everypony: the mayor, my friends, the school children, even people who are just visiting in Ponyville." I was feeling sick now.

"And she doesn't get arrested?"

"Well no, I mean it is scary at first, but we have come to enjoy it." I sit here laughing as I write this, maybe I will end up showing that part to Twilight and Pinkie if Flutters and I ever get out of here.

I decided to stop talking and go wash the blood from my chin. Pinkie Pie followed me in.

"So Herbert, how have you been? My trip was fun." I ran water over my face, thinking about how many times I have fainted or been knocked out while here in Equestria, more times than on Earth.

"It's been pretty nice. Twilight and I read books together every day, I just wish I could be outside. I miss the feel of sun against my skin, I'm starting to feel a bit sick from it."

"Well I can fix that!" She ran out of the bathroom and began chatting with Twilight. When I walked outside, Pinkie Pie was looking at me with a big grin and Twilight looked like she was about to disarm a bomb.

"Herbert, how would you like Pinkie Pie to take you around Ponyville?" I gaped and turned to Pinkie Pie.

"How did you pull this off?"

"She is a convincing pony, now which is it? Stay here or go outside?" Twilight interjected. She obviously didn't like letting me out of her sight, probably because she wanted to take note of everything I did.

"I would love to go outside. Human's can't survive without going outside once in a while." This was obviously news to Twilight.

"Really? Why is that?"

"I know of two reasons. Number one: Our skin needs it in order to produce Vitamin D. Number two: When we stay inside for too long and don't see the sun we can go insane and develop a mental disorder. I think it is called Tunnel Vision, but I'm probably wrong." I think I was talking shit, but maybe I actually believed that at the time. I don’t know anymore, my opinions are all confuzzled.

"That is very interesting; I'll work in a regular walk around Ponyville into your schedule. I highly doubt you are a threat to anypony. Besides, I think it would be good for you to develop a social life among the ponies in Ponyville. I think they will be quite receptive of you, considering how your last walk outside went." I hope she doesn't blab her mouth the entire time... I guess I can put up with it if I just get used to it.

"Alright Pinkie, let’s go." I head down the stairs, and she followed. She walked out the door ahead of me and I shut it behind us. I was about to think of where I wanted to go, but Pinkie trampled that and tossed it with all my childhood dreams.

"Let’s go to Sugar Cube Corner." She dashed off, and I didn't want to be seen walking around without an escort, I would probably be thrown in a pound or something, so I ran after her. When I came into the Candy Land-ish building, I saw Pinkie Pie jumping around that Rainbow Dash that came to test me a month ago.

"Oh yeah, I forgot I'm supposed to keep an eye on Herbert. Dashie, you remember Herbert right?"

"Sup Daring, how you been?" I really should have paid more attention to how she acted last time; I had no clue what kind of personality I was dealing with.

"Good I guess. Pinkie is taking me for a walk around. What day is it?"

"Friday. Why?"

"No reason, I just like having an idea of how time is moving." So I have been here for about one month. Awesome. I can just imagine how people freaked out back at home. Assuming time is moving the same there as it is here...

"That's cool I guess. Hey Pinkie, what are you doing with Herbert? I thought Twilight was keeping him inside. Hey! Didn’t you get burned a month ago? I guess your all better now right? How long have you been up?" You mean besides all this burned skin that you seem to not notice? Great!

"Oh, about ten days, I've been laying down most of the time, just reading books."

"I hate reading, books are so boring. How do you stand it?"

"It isn't so bad, I enjoy it a lot. You are an athletic pony I take it?"

"You know it! I'm training to join the Wonder Bolts academy and become one myself."

"Wonderbolts? What is that?"

"The Wonderbolts are only the most amazing fliers in all of Equestria, and I'm going to be one of them one day. You just watch!" Oh yeah, she is the egotistical one, I should have some fun with this.

"Yeah, I've been reading a lot about pegasi, "Shit-eating lie, "and your wings look exceptionally strong. I bet you could easily fly circles around another pegasus and still win by a landslide in a race."

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome." Rainbow loved the praise, and I knew it would take much more to set her up, but Pinkie Pie was obviously a lot smarter than I gave her credit for.

"Herbert, what are you doing?" She said in a calm, but obviously suspicious voice.

"Oh he is just talking about how awesome I am, Pinkie Pie, that's all. So dense, if this pink one weren't around I'm sure I could definitely... No, I shouldn't be doing this.

"Nothing Pinkie, never mind I said anything..." I'm glad she got in the way, I don’t want to start hurting people here like I did before.

"Well, I'd love to hang with you all, but I need to go set up a storm in west Ponyville, we haven't been giving that area the right amount of rain lately, and this is to make up for it.

"Goodbye Dashie!" She said in a happy tone, but when the rainbow colored horse was gone, she turned a stoic gaze to me.

"Go upstairs and enter the second door on the left."

"What? Why would-"

"I said, go upstairs and enter the second door on the left." I would lose all my sense of masculinity if I told someone I let a pink pony intimidate me, but that is exactly what happened. I did as she said and went up stairs. She immediately entered in behind me, and kicked the door shut.

"You aren't about to rape me, are you?" I asked, honestly concerned.

"What? No! I would never do that! And anyone who wrote a fanfic about me doing that to a human in Equestria is definitely wrong! Not that I'm hinting to someone or anything. No, you and I need to have a talk Herbert." She motioned over to her bed and I went to sit on it. She walked to the middle of the room and sat the floor.

"First thing is first, you are threatening the stability of my dimension." I looked at her in a confused expression?

"What do you mean?"

"Don't talk about your world, anything from your world, unless you need to. No making jokes about movies, or games, or anything. With every joke you make, you take away one thing that makes my world different from yours."

"So you are telling me not to answer any questions about my world?"

"No! I don't want you to break the fourth wall! The people reading this don't need a mortal creature coming out of the screen to talk to them! You have been making lots of jokes lately, and they need to stop." She was flying over my head with this stuff, so I said the only thing I thought would keep me safe.

"Okay Pinkie." She seemed startled by the blunt surrender of my will.

"Really? No threats or warnings or anything? No pretending you don't know what I'm talking about?" I don't know what you are talking about you psycho bitch!

"That is correct Pinkie."

"Wow, okay then. Now for the second thing. You were trying to hurt Dashie down there!" She jumped up into an attack position, like she was going to pounce on me.

"Yeah, I did. I'm, glad you caught me though, I told myself a long time ago I would stop, but sometimes I don’t even realize I'm doing it..." This was completely true.

"Herby, I need you to try harder to stop it, I like my friends, and they aren't supposed to have their heads messed with until... um..." She pulled out a script and looked it over, flipping through the pages.

"Oh yeah! Not until a month from now, and you are supposed to be lost in the maze with us, getting turned into someone else also." Okay, right now what she is saying makes a lot of sense to me, but back then I had no clue what she meant.

"Oh, well okay then, I'll do my best Pinkie, okay?" She gave a nod and turned to the door.

"That's all; want some cotton candy for being so polite about this?" I shook my head.

"I don't like sugary foods, I always preferred salt." She turned to me, her eyes wide in horror, before they immediately became calm.

"Oh really? Well will you at least try this one cupcake for me?" She pulled a cupcake out of the air vent, something I learned not to question from my talks with Twilight, and handed it to me. It was covered in Rainbow frosting.

"Oh yeah, I guess so." I took it and ate it.

"Now what?" I asked, starting to feel slightly off.

"Now, you take a nap." She said, cheerily It was then that I lost consciousness… Again…

Chapter 4 (2/2)

Chapter 5 (1/3)

Chapter 5 - Two and a Half Psychopaths

My head felt groggy. I peeled my eyes open to be met with a wall of darkness. I blinked myself awake, and tried to turn my head to look around. I grumbled. I could feel straps on my head and arms and legs.

"Where am I?" I asked out loud, hoping someone would hear me. I regretted that immediately, as a light above my head shot on, and a soft, small light bathed over me, doing little to light the dark room around me.

"Oh good, you are awake! I worried I gave you too much of the drug. You were out for five whole days, Twilight is super worried and mad, but I can keep a secret so were good." A cheery voice said. Pinkie Pie stepped out of the shadows. She was wearing a chicken costume. I knew it! This frosting girl is a demented psychopath and now she is going to tan me and make me into a carpet! I had studied a bit of abnormal psychology, only having just started reading books on it, so I took what I thought was the proper approach to dealing with a mental patient.

"Oh! Hi Pinkie!" I said, faking super happy grin.

"Hiya Herbert!" She said, seeming like she was competing with my smile for dominance. I lessened it a little, hoping to avoid upsetting her

"I'm happy to see you Pinkie. Say, why am I strapped down?"

"Because I strapped you down, silly!" I was about to give her a deadpan stare, but I was worried that might upset her. I knew better than to press an issue with someone who has power over me, so I changed the subject. From what I've gathered about her, I knew that she enjoys having fun and playing games, along with making random ponies have sex with each other. I learned a few weeks later that that was all a misunderstanding. I don't think I will be writing that story down though.

"So Pinkie, what are we going to do? Will it be fun?" I was nervous, but I was in drama club in seventh grade and a bit of practice in acting out emotions.

"Oh yes, the funnest thing ever!" She reached behind her and pulled out one of those carts you see in hospitals. It was tall and had a white cloth covering its contents. Oh God, what is that?

"Oh, that sounds great, I love having fun with you Pinkie Pie. So what is on the cart?"

"These!" She said with a big grin. She pulled the cloth off to reveal three differently sized dildos, a strap on with two different detachable ends, a ball gag, and a book titled "Fifty shades of Pink". I gasped. Oh God, not like this! I don't want it to end like this. Or... you know what, fine! Bring it on! Pinkie Pie was obviously as surprised as I was, as a look of shock and fear plastered her face.

"Oh my goodness, I'm sorry Herbert! This is the wrong cart, please don't be mad!" She was breathing heavily, pushing the cart back into the darkness. A few moments later, she came back with another cart.

"Don't worry; I checked this one to be sure it was the right one. Now, let try this again." She pulled the cloth off the cart to reveal an assortment of cupcakes.

"Cupcake testing! I wasn't going to use those toys on you, unless you... oh never mind! Let’s get started." I was slightly less worried by this, but was still convinced she was insane.

"So Pinkie, is this the kind of thing you usually do with other ponies?"

"Nope! But you aren't a pony, or a citizen yet. So that means I can do whatever I want. I wish it was that easy with everyone else... Oh well!" Not a citizen? Oh crap, I got no rights man! I'm like a black man in old Mississippi, or a homo in Russia. I spent the next two minutes scolding myself while Pinkie sorted through her set of cupcakes.

"So, why am I tied down?"

"Because you don't like cupcakes." She said, groaning after words like she was going to be sick.

"Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fine; it is you I'm worried about. How do you survive without a daily cupcake?"

"Pinkie, I have a question. Is it nice to force your beliefs and opinions down other people’s throats?"

"No, it isn't, Why?"

"Pinkie! That is exactly what you are doing! Literally!"

"But cupcakes are good! I just need to prove it to you."

"No Pinkie, cupcakes are good to you! What is true for you might not be true for everyone else. Why not respect the personal space of others, and their ideas as well." She turned to me, silent. She sat on the floor, obviously deep in thought.

"Wow, Herbert, I'm so sorry, I wish I had realized that before bringing you down here. Twilight is going to be so upset with me. I hope you aren't mad at me to." If only humans learned to respect others as easy as this... Oh well… If whoever is reading wonders what an atheist is, don’t worry about it, it’s nothing too big.

"Pinkie, I'm not upset with you, never think that okay?" You know, every once in a while I say something stupid and I'm not sure why. This was one of those times. It definitely cheered her up; she looked at me smiling, sniffing a bit.

"Thanks Herbert, I hope you and I become best friends when Twilight doesn't need you anymore." Worded a bit strange, but everything she does is a bit strange so I let it slide.

"Pinkie?"

"Huh?"

"Can you please untie me?"

"Oh yeah! Silly me." She pulled on the straps with her teeth, undoing them.

"Thanks. Now, how long have I been down here?"

"Oh, you’ve been down here for about five days or so. Why?"

"Five days? Wow, how is Twilight doing? You said she was upset?" I was rubbing my wrists, leaning against the table."

"Mostly, she’s annoyed. Apparently, since you’re an assignment from the princess, losing you is like letting the princess down, and that’s the scariest thing in the world to her.” Well, she did send her fucking sister to the moon… I wonder just how evil she might be. “She has been looking for you every day. I haven't been able to pay attention that much because I needed to keep an eye on you. If you woke up all alone in the dark, you would have gotten scared." Oh yeah, I sure am glad that didn't happen. I wouldn’t want to be scared…

"Well Pinkie, I would sure love to stay here and talk to you, but I think it would be best for me if I went to show her I'm okay.

"Oh yeah... I guess you are right."

"You should come with me. She will want to hear what you have to say." She brightened at first, but slowly deflated as I finished that sentence.

"Yeah... Let’s get going Herbert." She led me through the dark basement to the staircase. We walked up the stairs and I found myself in a pink walled house.

"I take it this is your home?"

"Mhm." We walked through what appeared to be a living room, and exited the two story household. We walked through Ponyville, and I immediately noticed the ponies giving me worried looks.

"Uh... Pinkie? Why are these ponies giving me odd looks?"

"Oh yeah, you have been gone for five days and Twilight has been turning up the town looking for you." As I'm writing this, I notice that Pinkie says things along the lines of Yeah and Yes and Yep a lot. I wonder if this could be a sign of some previously undetected nervousness, or insecurity. I will look into that. And I mean I will. I'm not going to die in a hole like a rat, I will be free. But I need to stop referencing my current predicament.

We arrived at Twilight's Library, and didn't even make it to the door when a window shattered above head and a purple blur landed on my face. I hit the ground pretty hard and went unconscious.

God damn it, how many times have I been knocked out? I wasn't even awake for a full hour that time. I'm going to get fat pretty soon. I kind of was out of shape already, but I was in denial.

"Good morning Herbert." Fuck, it is morning already? Why can't I wake up an hour after being knocked out? Wait who's talking? I raised my aching head to see Twilight, with a inexpressive frown on her face.

"Why the long face Twilight?" I cracked, grinning at the joke.

"That wasn't funny, and this is no time for stupid jokes. I've been thinking, now that you are back, and I've decided you're not going out anymore without me personally escorting you. I'm going to be setting some rules for you, and breaking any of them will result in a reduction of how much you are fed. Any questions?"

"Yeah, one thing: Don't I get a say?"

"No. Anything else?"

"No."

"Excellent. Now, your books are right here, I left them undisturbed, you just read, I'm going to help some visitors check out a few books. If you need anything, you have two legs, and those hands. I'll be visiting you tonight to discuss new rules I'm putting on you while you are in my care." Shit, I didn’t even do anything to piss her off this time… Well, maybe I can work around it… If I can’t I’ll have to deal with being treated… less than satisfyingly.

"Alright then Twilight, have a good day. I’ll be seeing you later I suppose." So there I was, once again nothing more than an experiment trapped in a cage. I sat in the bed and kept reading on how sections of the brain tied into the manipulation of magic.

The rest of my time was uneventful, I was exercising and reading and philosophizing about the world around me and about myself when Twilight came in with a short list behind her.

"That is the shortest list I've ever seen you with, what is the special occasion?"

"Rule one: No comments that are intended to be cruel, whether it is a slightly mean joke or antagonizing the hurt feelings of others, I don't to find you messing with the heads of any of my little ponies." I suppose that is a fair rule. I see Twilight is working harder to keep her 'prisoner' in line.

"You are not a prisoner Herbert, you are a test subject. However, I'm glad you think my rules are fair."

"Not a prisoner? I'm being held in a enclosed space against my- wait... did I say that?"

"Rule two: All of your thoughts shall now be monitored by me, and all rules apply to your thoughts." I lost it at that point.

"Twilight, I really think it would be in your best interest if you redacted that rule right now..." A look of amusement crossed her face.

"Oh? Is that a threat Herbert? Do you realize how relaxed I'm being with you? I even spend time with you every day, reading books and joking with you. I want to be friends with you Herbert, but I need to put what the princess ordered me to do first." Humans do not commit themselves to the will of other creatures except by force or by loyalty. You have earned a small amount of my loyalty, though I will be treated with respect. However, I will not tolerate the monitoring of my inner most thoughts, and if you continue to monitor my thoughts, I will punish you in a manner I see fit.

"And just how will you do that? Physical harm?" Physical? No, Twilight. I have been subjected to horrible things, and I can share those things with you through my thoughts. I have seen the death of the ones I love by my own hands tens of times, and I hear their cries in my dreams. Not as much as before, but if driving myself to insanity again will keep you out of my mind, it is a sacrifice I am prepared to make. That has to be the most clichéd, douche, stupid and non-threatening thing I’ve ever used as an attempt to intimidate others.

"Herbert, you will refrain from threatening me, and I will continue to monitor your thoughts. This is not-negotiable. I am not only monitoring you to enforce rules, but to record how humans think." You are violating me Twilight, I have not felt this kind of disgrace in years.

"I won't let you change my mind Herbert, now this discussion is over."

"Oh Twilight, one last thing."

"Yes, Herbert?"

"Yesterday, when Pinkie and I were coming to your house, something purple hit me in the face and I passed out." Her ears were drooping as I finished that sentence, and her face took on a nervous expression.

"So what did hit me?"

"Uh... I did." She said with a worried smile.

"You jumped on me?"

"Yeah... See ya!" She teleported out of the room, a weird noise resounding after her. It sounded like a twinkle or a flash or something, not sure how to describe it. Oh, that was probably her mass being removed from the space, and the air around it collapsing to fill in the void. Now, am I happy that a woman jumped on my face, or upset that a horse jumped on my face, or amazed that my skull was able to support the weight of a horse? Then again, these are really small horses, most of them are at my waist. I never finished that train of thought, as I have ADHD and was already rambling in my head about something involving integrating a new appendage into my body that would be sensitive enough to manipulate the field of magic with as much ease as a unicorn.

Chapter 5 Chapter 5 (2/3)

Spike came in a short while later and he and I hung out, he told me about the other ponies and what he and I would do when Twilight lets me go. He was really childish in his fantasies, talking about minuscule goals that he could probably do if he was courageous enough to venture out of the sight of an older pony and do it alone.

So the next breakfast was spent informing me on how things are going to be. Apparently, I will be hunting with Fluttershy before the end of the week. That means Friday. So I did more exercises and let Twilight take measurements of my body for some reason. Then I would read and eat and read and fucking pull a muscle trying to figure out how to use magic with my hands. I was really avoiding using my dick for it, because I didn't know if I would grow a wart on it from magic radiation or some other shit, God knows the universe loves to fuck with me. This happened for a few more days and then the day I would hunt with Fluttershy come.

I woke up to find myself rolling off the bed. I landed on the floor and got a splinter on my morning wood.

"God fucking damn you mother fucking ponies! I will rain fire upon your mothers’ grave you dickless little cunts!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I was scrunched on the floor when Twilight barged in, Spike next to her in a protective stance.

"What in Equestria is going on here? Herbert, why are you on the floor?"

"Twilight, I fucked up, and now I have a splinter."

"That's all? You’re whining over a splinter? Herbert, you need to pony up."

"Twilight, it’s in my penis, you don't know what it is like to get a cut down there." She seemed unsure how to react.

"Oh, uh, that's bad." No shit... "Need me to take a look at it for you?" And so now she sticks her face right up in my balls. I swear, if she tries pulling it out with her teeth, I’m going to lose it.

"No Twilight, this is something I should take care of myself. Do you have any tweezers?" Stupid question. She is a horse, why would she have tweezers?

"Oh yeah, I'll go get them." Well... Ok then... I sat on the bed groaning slightly when she came with the tweezers. I was probing myself trying to get a good idea of where it was sticking out.

"Whoa, it looks a lot bigger now than it did before." Oh please Twilight, you are making it so hard to take you seriously. She looked up at me confused. Shit, I forgot she’s reading my mind.

"Yeah, I'm pretty big." Oh shut up you liar. I am nothing. I'm like five inches, maybe. I've never measured, but I highly doubt I'm anything big. Then again, experience tells me size isn’t really that important.

"Twilight, can you please leave me to do this alone? It is abnormal for humans to even let someone besides their mate see them unclothed." Well, it is abnormal for me to willingly allow someone to see me naked anyway… It really just shows how inaccurate her studies are going to be; this is a case study and doesn’t have statistical significance.

"Do humans wear clothing? Why didn't you tell me this? I would've gotten Rarity to make you some a while ago."

"Rarity? Who is that?"

"She is one of my best friends. She works as a designer and seamstress at Boutique Le Chic."

"Well I..." I was actually warming up to the idea of just walking around naked all day. Maybe have a cloak for the colder times, but it's pretty hot outside, and I've always wondered what it was like to be a nudist, "I think I'm ok for now, but maybe I should get a dark cloak for when it gets cold out."

"Yes I suppose that would be best, you really don't have a lot of fur. Is that normal- oh you already told me that. I'll wait in the foyer." I spent like five minutes trying to find the edge of it poking out, and I slowly slid it out. I then went downstairs, still fucking naked, and met up with Twilight.

"What are we doing today, Twilight?"

"Actually, I won’t be with you today."

"What? But you said you weren't letting me out of your sight."

"Yes I know, but there are some things Fluttershy refuses to budge on."

"Fluttershy? What does she have to do with this?"

"You and she will be hunting. She can't provide for you forever, and since you've never hunted before back at home, she will need to teach you how to get meat." This should be good. From what Twilight has told me of Fluttershy, she couldn't harm a dust mite even if she stomped on it with all her might. Oh, this would be a more interesting experience than I could have ever guessed.

Twilight and I head out of the tree, and began walking through the rustic town. I began philosophizing to myself about past history, and I had come to an interesting thought. The strong men of the world are more vulnerable than any other. For when the mightier come down from their kingdoms, they will take up the weakest and bring them to their homes to do their will in exchange for a share of their crop and safety. But when they come to see the strong in their growth, they fear they may rise up against them, and so they strike down the strong from their glory, and leave them in the depths of poverty and take their wealth for themselves. While there are often many situations where this is not the case, this is often the nature of most.

I bumped into Twilight's ass, and earned a shocked expression.

"Herbert, watch where you are going." She said. I nodded and looked about. We were walking next to the forest, not yet at Fluttershy's cottage. I continued thinking. So by the logic I have presented to myself, there are three logical courses one can take stay weak enough that nobody will see you as a threat and remove you from play; grow slowly and subtly, not allowing anyone to see just how strong you really are until you are beyond their reach, a concept that is not as easy as it once was in the world I left behind; or risk your own destruction for the sake of speed in rising. Which path would I take? The second one of course. Slow and steady wins the race? That is the kind of advice you give your enemies. Personally, I'm not much of an athletic person, not like I used to be, so I really wouldn't know. My asthma made me not care about racing. I've mostly grown out of it now. Anyway, it’s the idea of seeming weak and then surprising everyone with a sudden change in the game. I tear up as I write this, thinking of a story I read, but that is for another time maybe.

We finally arrived at Fluttershy's cabin, or hut or whatever. Fluttershy ran out to see us.

"Hello Twilight. Hello Herbert." She said in a soft whisper.

"Hello Fluttershy, my schedule says today is the day you take Herbert to learn to hunt. Are you ready?"

"Oh, I was just preparing to go, you can leave Herbert with me Twilight, I'll make sure he behaves." Twilight looked uncertain.

"Are you sure I can't go with you guys? I really don't want to let Herbert out of my sight. Last time, he disappeared for five whole days. Can you reconsider?"

"Oh, um... I really don't know Twilight. You aren't the quietest pony, and we have to be very quiet if we will have any luck."

"Oh, okay Fluttershy. You keep a close eye on Herbert."

"Goodbye Twilight."

"Goodbye Herbert, goodbye Fluttershy." I watched her ass as she walked away. Is it just me, or is her ass a bit more jiggly than other ponies'? Thinking about it now, it would seem logical, as she isn't athletic at all and spends most of her time reading & eating.

Fluttershy turned to me and spoke softly.

"Go inside, I'll be right with you." I nodded and began to walk up the dirt road to her house. I 'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but there is a little bridge in front of her house with a stream going under it. Down there one can see a few ducks and turtles swimming around. Odd, I don't think they usually live in the same environment, and certainly don't come so close to one another. This pony must be desensitizing her animals to the idea of predator - prey relationships. Not that the turtle or duck would hurt each other, but they certainly wouldn't trust each other Or would they? I wouldn't know. I entered the household and was greeted with a most unpleasant smell. It smelled of shit and wet dog. Animals were all about, a squirrel running on stairs carved into pillars holding the house up, a little bunny was sitting on a couch eating carrots, and there was a bluebird flying about. I saw some other animals, but none that I remember as I write this. I don't quite remember what I was doing while in there, but I know Fluttershy came in with a battered green cape covering most of her body. Only thing poking out were her legs and her face, everything else was covered in dark green earthy colored fabric. Another thing I noticed about her was that she was wearing horseshoes. A pair of slightly rusted grey horseshoes that extended forward from her hooves like an overgrown human nail. The extension did not touch the ground, but rather rose slightly above it like a cape over an ocean, and both sides met at a tip like a sword. It was a dull thing, obviously not shined or anything, meant for function rather than form, and they looked rather sharp, not just at the point, but the sides. Seemed rusty and serrated like a kitchen knife, though I can't imagine what a shy little creature like her would need them for. That was all I could gather about her appearance before she addressed me.

"Herbert, are you ready to go?"

Chapter 6 Chapter 5 (3/3)

"Herbert, are you ready to go?"

"Oh, um... yeah. But what is with the knives on your feet?"

"Oh this is for when I need to cut through things too thick to just pull apart." She said calmly, checking for something under her cloak." Oh, she probably means vines and stuff.

"Well, alright then. I'm ready to get going when you are."

"Excellent. Let us begin." She walked out the door, her head hanging low but her eyes pointed forward like she was stalking something. She paused a minute in front of some large weeping willows before walking through them. I followed her, keeping my head low as we walked through. I recognized a number of plants I had read about. I saw some Alistar Berries growing around the sides of some weakened trees, their strange berries lacking their usual dark color. Ordinarily, these berries are a dark dark green, but the over abundance of light here makes them a soft pale greenish grey. They were healthy enough to survive, but they wouldn't dominate until they moved into a darker area. I hadn't studied that deep into them, so I wasn't sure how they worked, or why they prefer darker areas to brighter ones, but as we continued through the forest, and things got progressively more shaded, they began to seem more lively and alluring. I picked a few, being careful not to fully separate the berry from the leaf, but rather pull some leaf off with the berry. Fluttershy didn't notice though, as she was keeping her eyes to the forest ground. She was probably following some kind of trail. There were other types of plants, such as a Fiery Cuspate, and other small plants, some dangerous, some extremely valuable to one who knows how to use them. I picked the Cuspate, only because I thought it looked bitchin, and I held it by the very base. If one of its points sticks in you, your nerves are inflamed all the way up to your torso, and it can be an awful experience. If I had put some thought into that, I would have immediately assumed that the universe would find a way to make me end up with all of its needles going into my dick or something. We stalked through the forest, small patches of light revealed barren ground, and dark shadows hid the vibrant life that I have come to appreciate during my time in Equestria.

"So Fluttershy, what exactly are we going to be catching?"

"Manticore. They're so tasty! Or… So I've heard."

"I've never heard of Manticores before, what are they?"

"Manticores are large beasts with the body of a lion and the tail of a scorpion." They only started appearing a few decades ago, but nopony knows where they came from." Interesting, I wonder if there is some kind of mad scientist that hides out here, making weird hybrid creatures, like that Frankenstein fuck. Few words passed between us. I don't remember most of them though; it was like two or three weeks ago. The next thing that happened, however, was something I have no intention of forgetting.

"Hush Herbert, stay here and be quiet. I see a Manticore, sleeping over there. I'm going to show you how to take one out." How are you going to do... Oh God... I didn't respond, I just shook my head in mute horror as I contemplated how she would go about killing a sleeping animal. I wonder if she is going to do it violently or subtly...Her green cloak brushed against dark green grass, draping over it like a shadow over the soft face of a child, and just as suddenly, leaving it, having changed it in ways unknown to the lesser men of the world. I hope I am one of those, for the intelligent are often the ones who see the most misery, the ones who have the most defects, and often the most hated. She descended upon her prey, so peacefully, like it wasn't even murder. Was it murder? Maybe not. She doesn't need the food to live, but her animals need it. Does it count? What is the difference between murder and killing anyway? Killing other humans, or killing sapient creatures? I didn't have time to debate it, as I had to watch her every move.

She descended, two metal blades revealing themselves, twinkling like stars in the night. They pierced the flesh, and the manticore jumped up. He tried to howl, tried to scream, but Fluttershy had cut throat deeply and severed the vocal cords. The creature was a mute, and as it flailed about violently, the yellow one held him to the ground, hushing him to sleep. It was so for about twelve seconds before the creature laid his head for the final time. Fluttershy rose above the body, it lay limp in the shadows, and walked towards me.

"Okay Herbert, did you see how I did it?"

"Oh, um yes! I saw it all."

"That is good. Now, try to take the next one out. Do you have any claws?"

"No, Human's don't really have much in the way of natural defenses, we usually build things to protect ourselves with."

"Oh, so what will you do then? What kind of tools can you make from the trees?" It really didn't take me long to decide. I was a total Oblivion addict, and a lot of my philosophy was developed off of some things I've thought of while playing that game. Whoever is reading this probably has no clue what I'm talking about."

"I have been gathering some plants on the way here, and I found a particular one that could help me take out a Manticore."

"Oh, it won't hurt will it? I don't want to make them feel pain. That's why I wait till they are asleep, then its like they're still sleeping." Oh Fluttershy, you are so oddly creepy but I can't help but think you are adorable anyway. I grinned, chuckling at how horrified she may be when she saw the horrific pain I would send the next Manticore through.

"Don't worry Fluttershy, these will put them to sleep quickly." Or at least, as quickly as they can suffocate from lack of oxygen. And so we began stalking through the forest again. I trusted her sense of direction; I was only following the faint pink sticking from under her cloak. I stopped gathering plants, not sure I could carry any more without jabbing myself with that Cuspate. I think I'm going to skip the boring kicking my foot on the same tree stump twice and get right to the action. She pushed me forward, and I remembered my training my cousin had given me when I was like seven or some shit.

Remember, if you can see their head, that means they can see you, unless you’re peeking through a bush. Don't sneak up directly behind someone, because people have secret baby eyes in the back of their head that tells them when someone is behind them. Instead, be at an angle from them, like in chess where the pieces are diagonal. Ill hide behind the orange chair, you crawl behind the grey couch, and we will jump out and make her scared,

is what he said. Even I am questioning the logic he had, which is something I don't think I've ever done. Honestly, I've always accepted everything he told me as absolute fact. Too bad he was a real sarcastic smart ass, otherwise I wouldn't have pissed so many grownups off.

I crouch walked, something I had grown better at during my time in the Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. Lots of workouts there have kept me from becoming overly out of shape. I've never done a pull up in my life though, always too much of a little bitch. Why am I getting so far off topic? Where am I getting the materials to write this journal anyway? God, I am becoming Pinkie Pie. Anyways, I crouch walked towards the sleeping beast; it curled up with its head up to its chest. I crept along the glade, closing the distance between him and I, then pulled out the Fiery Cuspate, and pulled off one of its thorns. I held it by the base, and grabbed another, and put it in between my index and thumb. I set it on the ground, confident I would be able to get it again, and proceeded to advance upon the enemy. I moved my hands close to him, set the thorns in place against its throat, and immediately noticed a cub in between its legs, pressed against its lower belly. Most people would spare the life of the lion beast for the cubs sake, but I just grinned and thought, Get ready for a show kid. then jabbed them so far into her throat I'm pretty sure they would've come out the other side if it were a human throat.

Suddenly, I found myself flying through the air, my collection of plants scattering all throughout the clearing. A loud roar began to fill the air, but it slowly turned from loud and prideful to restricted and desperate. I tumbled to the ground, my arms and legs getting scraped. It was a very invigorating experience.

Moving on, I looked up through clumps of moist grass and dirt covering my eyes to see the chest and neck of the beast puffed up like a massive red balloon. It waved its paws in the air, and I could see a terrified cub on the ground. It moved to the area betwixt its mother’s hind legs, a fatal mistake. She began ripping up the ground around her with her paws and tail. The few intelligible thoughts that ran through my head were, Is that mother going to kill her kid? and, Maybe that was the wrong plant… Yeah, while the fiery cuspate supposedly caused extreme inflammation, the pictures and the descriptions were nothing like this.

No less than thirty seconds later, I gasped in absolute horror as I saw the stinger on the back of the manticore come down on the child. It was then that everything began to move in slow motion. The child sat there still, its head covered beneath its paws, the mother standing on her hind legs, her eyes puffed shut, and her paws waving around in the air like a horse rearing its legs. The stinger had wound up, and it launched down and made contact in a split second. It ripped a hole straight through the cub in just a split second. At first, no blood or anything came out, almost as if the body hadn’t realized anything had happened to it. Then finally, it caught up and blood began spurting all over the mother, the corpse and the grass around them. Some of it got on me. It had an okay taste, nice and salty.

The mother was unaware of her cub’s demise, though, and began bumbling all over the place. Her stinger lashed out frequently at random directions, and I immediately began pushing myself way from the scene over to where I think Fluttershy was. I was just following the sound of silent weeping. I pressed against the bushes as the beast pressed itself up against a tree. I assume it was either sick of this living torment or totally stupid because its stinger immediately shot up at its neck and left a big hole. It left more in a scattered line down the back of the beast, oozing blood and shattered bone. Her fur and the grass around was matted red with blood, and her tail had caused all her organs to mush together into a soupy paste.

It rested there against the tree, its tail flicking back and forth occasionally. There was a moment of dreaded silence, and then Fluttershy sprang to action.

“Why!” That was all she shouted as she burst from the bushes, running up to the corpse of the baby, chunks of bone covered in blood sticking to her hooves and legs. She held the remnants close to her, crying and wheezing all the while. I need to say something.

“Fluttershy…” I said, slowly moving to her. “Hey now…” Shit, what the hell am I supposed to say? It’s just an animal? She’s made it quite clear that she cares deeply about animals…

I decided silence was better than saying something stupid like the dumb shit I am. I moved up beside her and knelt on one leg. I placed my arm around her back as the cries over the death of the baby, and I actually started to feel a little bad about what I did for a second. I justified myself internally though. I had no way of… shit; I knew the child would be in danger… If nothing else, I knew it would be left without a mother. I groaned a bit inside, it had been a long time since I had felt guilty for killing anything. I sat there for a minute beside her, beating myself up internally when she stuffed down her cries for a few seconds and looked to me with serious eyes.

“Did you know?” She asked, intensely. I looked at her afraid and confused.

“Know what? That this would happen? No I-“

“No Herbert.” She cut me off. “… Did you know that she had a baby?” I was silent for a moment, just a moment though.

“No.” I said, and she believed it. Yes, I was guilty of this, but I figured it would be better if I punished myself for it instead of the ponies. And besides, with those eyes of hers… It is easier to tell them a harmless lie than a painful truth.

“Do you think…” She stopped for a moment, and then continued. “Maybe you could eat fish instead? This really didn’t turn… good.” I shook my head.

“I really can’t eat fish. I’m allergic.” She sighed, and drew another long silence.

“Then we will need to try again… But next time, I want you to be careful! Make sure there are no babies, okay?” I nodded. It was then that I realized how potent the silence was. It was really chipping away at me. Thankfully, Fluttershy was too emotionally exhausted to continue on.

“It’s time to go back.” She said. I silently followed her back. Every once in a while I would pick a plant and observe it, see if I could identify it. The Alistar Berries were the most common, and I accidently squeezed one all over me. Fluttershy wasn’t happy about it. Said it could give us away to a monster.

When we returned home, I retired to my room without a word to anyone. I listened to the muffled voices of Fluttershy and Twilight, certainly discussing what had occurred in the forest. It was of little consequence to me, I was certain she believed what I told her, so I had no need to fear persecution for a simple mistake.

Twilight walked in maybe twenty minutes later.

"Herbert, Fluttershy told me about your hunting trip."

"Did she tell you about the part where everything went wonderful and we smiled and laughed and picked flowers?” There was so much sarcasm in that one sentenceit began to condense on the window.

"I'd like to hear how you thought about it." I thought for a moment.

"Okay, so here is what happened. Fluttershy led me into the forest..."

"No, don’t tell me exactly what happened; just tell me the part where you killed something. Fluttershy said she doesn't want anyone knowing about how she gets her food, and I really don’t want to know either."

"How can you just not care Twilight?"

"She’s my friend, and I will respect her privacy."

"I’m your friend, but you dig through my thoughts now."

"That’s different, Herbert..." I made a hurt expression.

"Twilight... you're not my friend?" I gave a little sniffle. She wasn't affected.

"Cut the act Herbert, that has to be the worst attempt I’ve ever seen.” I gave an irritated look.

"That was a joke." I said. I don’t like when people insult my jokes or my acting.

"Now, tell me about your killing."

“Alright, so we were walking along and I was picking up plants I thought might be useful or fun to play with.”

“Could you describe these plants?” She interjected.

“Yeah, most of them were small berries called Alistar Berries. They are luminescent when broken. The other was a Fiery Cuspate. It has needles that cause extreme inflammation when they penetrate the skin via toxin.”

“Okay, please move ahead to when you had to kill something. Tell me what you were thinking and how you went about it.”

“Alright then… So I had to sneak up on a sleeping manticore. I thought back to my childhood where my cousin was teaching me how to sneak up on people. I made sure I wasn’t making eye contact with its head, and I walked from behind it, not directly but diagonally. I had a little anxiety, but I ignored it. I thought about what I would do, and decided the best way to not have to put a lot of effort into it was to just poison it.”

“Clever…” She muttered.

“Yeah, so I took the plant, the Fiery Cuspate, and pulled out two of its spikes. I was going to jab them into the neck of the sleeping manticore.”

“Was that the first thing that came to mind, or did you have other plans before settling on this?”

“Well attacking him with my bear hands was out of the question. I didn’t have any conventional weapons like a knife. This was the only semi-logical thing I could do.” She nodded.

“Don’t tell me details about what actually happened; just tell me what you were thinking while everything was happening. I want a brief summary of the events, and a detailed explanation of your thought process meanwhile.”

“Alright then Twilight. So I snuck up, nervous all the while, and moved my hands over to the sides of its neck. I had the two quills in my hands, and a little piece of me was overriding any anxiety or hesitation. It was a simple task, once my head was clear. So I just stuck the things in, and there was like one second where everything froze up, and then I found myself flying through the air. When I got my bearings, I looked up to see the manticore freaking out, and then I saw its baby hiding between its legs. I probably would have felt guilty or something, but most of my… humanity is overridden when I’m in that… instinctive mode. After that, well… There was a big mess, Fluttershy freaked out, and I began to start feeling about it, mostly guilty. I don’t hurting small animals, especially when I don’t need to.”

“Alright then…” It was then that I noticed she was writing all this down. “And how do you feel about it now?” I thought for a bit.

“Over all… It was an unpleasant experience. I would rather it never happened but… no changing the past, right?” She nodded.

"Ok... Goodnight Herbert. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight Twilight, have good dreams."Did I just wish my captor good dreams? What the hell?

"Um... you too- I’m not your captor..." Twilight said, from the other side of the door. I guess this is what it's like to be Michael Jackson... And so my day died, fading into the usual read a book, feel tired, try not to sleep, then sleep.

Chapter 7 (1/2)

Chapter 6 (1/3)

Chapter 6 - Parasites

The wake-up call I received the next day was… less than satisfying.

“Please Twilight, you got`ta have something.” I heard someone say. I lay there for a minute, and then pulled my dead body out of bed. I looked out the window and saw the Sun wasn’t even peaking yet. Who the fuck is up at this hour? I'm pretty sure the daily life of a pony starts at 7:00 in the AM, but it looks like 5:20 out there. I walked to the door to find the source of the disturbance. I peeked through to see Twilight talking to an orange pony with a strong build.

“I’m sorry Applejack, but I’ve done all I can. I’ve looked up recipes for pesticides, referred you to a number of extermination companies, and even gave you a mentally deficient Red Lynx to introduce into their population so it can breed and make more of them mentally deficient. What more do you- Oh, Hi Herbert!” I had only heard so much of the conversation before Twilight was made aware of my presence. It would have been awkward to not have come out from my eaves dropping spot, so I came out to meet the orange pony.

“Hello.” I said, with a bit of caution. I wanted to ensure this first impression would be a good one.

“Applejack, this is Herbert.” She said, gesturing to me. “This is Applejack.” She said, gesturing to the orange pony. I was already beginning to smile from her name being Applejack, it just took a little effort to convert it from a smile of amusement to one of welcoming.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Applejack. Your last name wouldn't happen to be Daniels, would it?” I ventured, hoping to get a good laugh. I was only greeted with a confused face.

“My… Last name? We don’t have those around here. If your referring to my family name, its Apple.” But isn’t that your first name? I thought. Twilight shook her head, and then I was reminded she was intruding on every one of my thoughts.

“Herbert, nomenclature doesn’t work that way here. The family name is just somehow incorporated into the full name of the new born.” Applejack gave her a confused look.

“Twilight gets to read my mind whenever she wants… Apparently, I have about as many rights as the books on these shelves.” I put venom into that sentence as I gestured around me.

“Oh be quiet. I’m very good to you.” There was an awkward silence, which was broken by Applejack.

“Well… It’s good to meet you then mister Herbert.” It was then I realized who Applejack was.

“Oh, you’re the one who’s been supplying me with those apples, right? Thanks, it’s…” I wasn’t sure how to finish my sentence, but luckily I didn’t need to.

“Oh shoot, don’t think nothing of it. We’ve got more than a surplus left over from sales, we actually donate tons to charity centers. If we didn’t, we’d have spoiled fruit lying about. Your saving us the cost of shipping our apples.”

“Well, if there’s anything I can do to thank you for it, just let me know.” At this, Applejack looked over to Twilight. She gestured to me and then to the door. Twilight stood glazy eyed for a minute, and then nodded her head.

“Well if you really want to help, there’s a big problem we’ve got at the farm. How would you like to put some work in for all of Ponyville?” I looked back and forth between the two, uncertain what she had in mind.

“So these here vermin are eating our trees out from the inside.” Applejack said, Twilight floating a picture of an adorable little mouse like thing in front of me.

“They’re called red lynx. They’re kept as pets farther north, in places where wood isn't used so much for housing. They don’t survive off of the wood though; they survive off of the fruit of the fruit and leaves of the trees they inhabit.” Twilight pulled the picture back and brought another to my face as we walked along. It had a big ugly flower, looked like an inflamed pimple, except without a white spot.

“This is called Red Rot. It’s a parasitic plan that tends to assault trees already inhabited by Red Lynx. We don’t know too much about their relationship, but this is some of it. It leeches carbon dioxide from the tree, making food production more difficult. It converts this into oxygen and carbon monoxide. We believe it releases these both into the surrounding area, killing off any competition for the Lynx.”

“You believe?” I asked.

“We can talk about that while we work. In short, we can only assume this because no one has performed extremely close observations on this plant. It would involve filtering out the toxins in the air and Equestria has not reached that level of technology yet. Though, were getting there. We expect to have them… I’m getting off topic. We haven’t researched this plant closely; all our knowledge on it is based off of our observing its effects. Another thing we know is that if the Red Rot doesn't show up soon after the Lynx inhabit a tree, they will vacate. We are unsure why this is, but it does mean our first priority is removing the Red Rot. The lynx are the second priority…”

“But that don’t mean we don’t want them out as soon as possible.” Applejack cut in. “A tree that’s been attacked by Lynx won’t likely survive, even without those Red Rot. They eat up the inside and the tree just dies. That’s why I’m putting you, me, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie in head of getting these Lynx out.”

“So what about the Red Rot?” I asked. We were nearing the farm; I would see it in the distance. We were walking beside the trees now.

“Don’t even worry about it. Twi, Rarity, Rainbow, Big Mac and Applebloom are all working on that.” The last two names I was unfamiliar with.

“Who’re…” I began, but got cut off right away.

“Don’t worry about that, you got work to do. Keep walking up the way to the red barn, and look for Granny Smith. Twi, you and I are going down this way.” And with that, she jumped over a white fence into the trees. Twilight said goodbye, and ran after her friend. I kept walking towards the farm, and met with an old ass pony. I was standing in front of the red barn, looking around for someone to give me direction when a voice called out to me.

"Howdy do! What's your business here mister...?" Her voice trailed off at the end like I was supposed to fill in the blank.

"Uh... Dashwood. Herbert Dashwood." She had a strong accent, and sounded like the average old lady on cartoons.

"Well howdy mister Dashwood." I looked up to see her looking down on me from a window in the barn. "What can I do for you on this fine day?" She climbed... That word is so weird. Climbed. I always feel like it should be clomb. Or clamb even, but climbed sounds like... It sounded wrong. Then again, English is a pretty ass backwards language with words like sword and... I can't think of any others.

"Applejack sent me up this way... I think she's going to be catching up with me, she's escorting Twilight Sparkle through the forest or something."

"So..." She stopped talking for a minute, and her eyes glazed over. Then, she came back into focus on me.

"It's a pleasure to meet you mister...?" It took me a minute to comprehend what was going on.

"Oh... My name is Mr.Dashwood. There wouldn't happen to be anyone else here would there?" She turned to the barn.

"Well there's young Fluttershy in the barn, but she's quit a shy one. Pinkie is a spry one, and is on her way here right now. You may best want to wait for her to come up here, she's a talkative one. So what's your business here?"

"I'm here to help with all the lynx in your trees."

"Oh now, we don't have much money to spend on stuff like that. Besides, my daughter and her friends are already working on it. Though I'm sure with those long reachers of yours that you could do it easily. Tell ya what, you'll be my second option for if I don't have the girls around, ya hear?"

"No, no missus Apple, I'm not charging money I'm just here to help."

"Well ain't that the... hmm... So, what's your name stranger?" A large smile crossed my face. It's the kind of smile I get when I'm annoyed."

"I'm the fucking barn inspector, would you mind if I get back to work?" I said, pointing to the barn.

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to keep you from your work. Now if you'll excuse me, I was doing a... something or other..." She started mumbling at the end as she waked away from the barn over to the trees.

I walked into the barn, my smile disappearing and a migraine setting in.

"Fuck... Fluttershy? Where are you?"

"Hi Herbert." She said cheerily, fluttering down from the rafters above.

Chapter 7 (2/2)

Chapter 6 (2/3)

"Hi Herbert." Fluttershy said cheerily, fluttering down from the rafters above.

"Are you going to be with me today helping the Apple?" She said, wiping some kind of fabric off of her legs. It looked a bit like lint. She seemed to be getting annoyed, as it was wrapped all about her and she was just making it worse now. "Uh... Can you help me please?" She extender her two forelegs in front of her. With a sigh, I grabbed the stuff and ripped it off over her.

"There."

"Thanks. If you could just throw that back up there that would be nice." I clumped it into a tight ball and tossed it up the ladder the the old lady probably came down. How do they even use ladders? I thought to myself.

"Pinkie will be here soon. You, me, Applejack and Pinkie will be in charge of removing the lynx?"

"Well yes, but Granny Smith is the one in charge of us while we do it. She's had lots of..." She looked the other way while she talked at the end of that, and I couldn't hear her.

"Hi Granny Smith!" We heard Pinkie say outside the barn. She bounced her way into the barn and looked at us with excitement.

"Hi guys! Are you ready to go play with the tree animals?" She said, looking back and forth between us with a big grin on her face.

"Pinkie, we aren't playing with them, were evicting them." I said.

"Just because were tearing them away from their homes doesn't mean we can't make friends with them while we do it. We can give them cuddles and play fetch and stuff."

"I don't think they're going to be that nice Pinkie. They're probably going to be pissed."

"Oh I'm sure they won't be that bad." Fluttershy said with optimism.

"Fluttershy, these aren't your tame, home animals. These are feral creatures. I won't be surprised if they attack us. But I'm sure you can bash their skulls in with your hooves if they give you any trouble." They both gaped.

"No Herbert, don't you go hurting any of them okay? They're going to be nice. And we aren't here to kill them, we're rounding them up for Applejack. They have a plan for them." A plan huh? Probably going to kill them and sell them to the meat eating population of Equestria.

"Well if a single one of them bites me, I'm shoving tree bark up its ass." I said. They huffed, and then walked in Granny smith with Applejack behind her.

"Alright, now that yer all here, we can go to business. While the Unicorns and that Pegasus work on those puffers, we gotta get them varmints out of our trees so no more puffy plants move in. Understood?"

"Yes ma`am!" We all said in unison. Then she walked up to me and looked me square in the eye. She stared at me for a good bit.

"Oh! You're that mister Dashwood I met a few weeks ago right?" I held my breath and then sighed. At least she remembers my name...

"Well, we met a few minutes ago, but yeah that's me."

"It feel's like it's been forever. How are the children?" I stalled for a minute, absolutely unsure how to respond. I decided to screw with her.

"Its horrible! They were all building me a new house and it collapsed and killed every single one of them." I burst into tears.

"Aww deary! I'm so sorry." She came to give me a hug but I jumped to my feet and wiped the crocodile tears away and gave a calm chuckle.

"Oh I'm just joking with you. I have no kids, I don't know what your talking about." She scrutinized me a bit and mumbled something to herself. It wasn't anything nice, I don't think. I don't think the ponies around liked my humor either. Eh. Nobody liked it at home, I guess no one likes it here either.

"Well then, there's a bunch of ways to lure these critters out. One is bait. You'll need to get creative with what you use to bait them. Be careful though, these aren't nice creatures. They see you in their hole and they'll nab and bite at ya. They got these claws that will give you a hoo-dinger of a scratch. They also got these big teeth they use to eat the tree out. They aint for show either, they can rip right through your leg. That's why I wan't all yall to keep yer hooves out of the trees. Got that?"

"Yes ma`am!" We all replied.

"Another thing, if any of you start to smell some funky stuff, warn everyone else and steer clear. That stuff will put you to sleep. Its the gas from the plants. Hopefully, as Rainbow clears those things out we'll be able to start moving into those areas and start rooting the lynx out. Herbert, you are going out with Pinkie. You two will take this area to the left. Applejack, you and Fluttershy will head out to the right. If you have any problems, report straight to me. That's all." she said, and walked her creaky legs back into the barn to do who knows what.

"Come on Herby!" Pinkie shouted, and bounced ahead of me into the thick trees. I waved goodbye to Applejack and Fluttershy and ran after her.

"Pinkie, wait up!" She stopped and looked at me.

"What?" She asked annoyed, wanting to keep going.

"We need to check these trees for lynx." She sighed.

"Herby, the lynx aren't even this far yet. Trust me, I know where they are now come on!" And then she set to running farther into the orchard. I stopped trying to keep up with her and decided to go at my own pace. I followed the trail of trampled grass until I found Pinkie up in a tree.

"What the hell are you doing up there?" I asked.

"Waiting for you, silly. You took forever getting here. Now come on, we need to get these critters out. I have an idea."

"What is it?"

"I do a really good impression of a dragon. I bet it will scare them right out." You can't be serious... Well, this should be funny.

"I guess it can't hurt. Go for it." She took a deep breath and let out a rather half-ass-ed sounding roar.

"Roaar!" She yelled. It got me to grin, but wasn't really that funny.

"Pinkie, lets try bait. Granny Smith recommended it, and it sounds like it will be more effective then this."

"But what are we going to do with them once they're outside the tree." That's actually a very good question...

"Well... I don't know. Let's ask Granny Smith about it... Actually! You go ask her, I'll look for stuff to bait them out with."

"Good idea. I'll be back soon, Pinkie Promise!" She then ran faster than I can describe into the thick trees.

Left to my own devices, I began thinking of what could be used to bait them out. Apples seems the obvious choice... So I set to picking a couple. Once I had six apples, I took one and smashed it with a tree branch. I took some chunks of it and set it at the base of a tree in front of a hole. Then, I watched. I sat and watched for some time. I started talking to myself some time while watching. It wasn't anything important, I was just trying to wrap my head around the function and purpose of some theoretical machine I had built many years ago. Well, one of me built it but that isn't important. So, it starts out on a two dimensional plane for the sake of being easier to understand. Its basically a repetition of a four by four unit in all directions. The unit consists of four zeros sitting two by two in the center, two ones sitting side by side on the left, the right, the top and the bottom, and finally there is a two at each corner. This infinitely expands so if we position two units properly up to one another, you would get this.

21122112

10011001

10011001

21122112

Of course, the function can't be apparent unless viewed in three dimensions, or at least that's the conclusion I've reached since not once has I been able to decipher a function. I understand this may not look important to anyone reading, but if it wasn't important to me I wouldn't be writing it. So I can only assume that I subconsciously care. Some drive currently unknown, or unidentified, compels me to continue this looping pattern. There's more information that I can divulge into about this pattern, and even my history with it, but that is not relevant. At least, not right now. I might right a few pages about it to myself in an attempt to satisfy this itch I have.

I looked back to see that the apple was gone. I can now confirm the presence of enemies in this tree. I thought about how much easier it would be on all of us to poison them and leave it be. Maybe their decomposing bodies would be healthy for the trees. Then again, the Apple family would lose money in that case, where as rounding them up and selling them to the slaughter house is profitable. I really should make them pay me... then again, Twilight likely wouldn't allow it. I set to gathering more Apples and piled them up by a tree, after checking to make sure it had no pests of course.

"Herby! Look what I brought!" Pinkie Pie showed up with a barrel. "Looks like Granny Smith forgot to tell us we would need these to trap the lynx. They can't climb out." She forgot huh? Surprise fucking surprise... I looked at the barrel and notice an immediate problem.

"Pinkie... That thing is made of wood. They'll just eat right through it." I dead panned as she picked it up on her back and dashed back through the forest to Granny Smith. Now I know why the government made retirement a thing. If we had people like Granny Smith in charge, our workers would drop like flies. I sighed and set back to collecting apples. I had a good eighteen of them and then I found myself doing something strange. I was trying to make up a song. It was a song about working but the thing is, I've never had interest in making up songs before. I rhyme the word grapple with apple before I realized what I was doing.

"That's odd..." I muttered, then Pinkie tumbled into the area with a big box. It looked like it was made of tin or copper or something primitive like that.

"Will this do?" She asked, setting it up in the middle of our little space between the trees.

"Yeah, we can just throw them in there."

"Yeah, so I was thinking of a plan, and here it is. We pile some bait in front of a hole and then when one comes out, we grab it and throw it in. Granny Smith told me that when one lynx doesn't come back after leaving the nest, all the other Lynx will go out in a pack and look for them, so all we need to do is get one and then the others will follow."

"So... Even if the lynx inside SEE us take kidnap one of their own, they all will still follow us out?" She shrugged.

"Eh. I don't think that will be a problem. If it does, we can always make a new plan right?"

"I guess." Though I must say I dislike the idea of wasting time. So after I piled up some bait, we got to waiting. We sat there for a good ten minutes before a head poked out. I didn't give it an opportunity to even reach for the bait, my fingers circled its neck tightly. I squeezed to cut off its breath, and held it up to my eyes. A smile crossed my face, and I tilted my head as I made eye contact with it. It was wriggling for freedom, trying its hardest to breath. You're in my complete control. I thought, reaching my hand up to pet it. My finger snapped back as it tried to bite me. That woke me up from my spell of sadistic bliss. I realized Pinkie was watching me with curiosity. Shit... I need to make this look innocent.

"I see while you like these guys." I said, relaxing my grasp and letting it breath. "They sure are cute." I said, putting a fake, welcoming smile on my face. She relaxed a bit.

"Yeah, they look so cutesy." She said, almost reaching a hoof to pet it but pulled back when she remembered tthat it tried to bite me. "Too bad we can't keep one. Oh well, put it in the box." She went to watch the hole for any more lynx following. I held it in my hands for a bit, then went to deposit it in the crate.

We had repeated the process a number of times when I realized how long we were taking. It took roughly half an hour for us to clear a single tree.

"Pinkie, I think we should split up."

"How come?" She asked, turning away from the lynx hole. We were starting to suspect there weren't any lynx in there.

"Well it seems we are taking way too long to do a single tree. If we split up, we can cut our time in half. It's not like either of us can do something the other can't." She nodded.

"Yeah, this is kinda getting boring. But then we won't be able to talk and stuff."

"Pinkie, we haven't said a word to each other. We're supposed to be quiet so the Lynx don't know were baiting them."

"Yeah but... It's not about talking to friends, it's about having the option to talk to friends." I sighed. Why is this such a recurring problem for me? Back at the hospital, there were always other kids who kept wanting to talk, or always wanted to be around me. It annoyed me, but it did make it easier for me to toy with them. Difference was, I've been finding myself not wanting to toy with people overly much lately. In fact, my teasing Granny Smith was the first in days, and it wasn't even as cruel as I used to be. Basically, I don't want to toy with Pinkie's mind, and since that's one of the only reasons I talked to most people in the past, to amuse myself. But I did want to collect more information about Equestria, and maybe there were things I could ask Pinkie Pie that I couldn't ask Twilight.

I told Pinkie we would take breaks every couple of trees, and talk for a time. Then we would get back to work. She wholeheartedly agreed and set to work. By the time I finished my third tree, we have about eleven lynx, freaking out in there. It was kinda hilarious, like a bunch of dogs piled on top of each other trying to get out of the pile. Then we had our first break.

"So are you having fun Pinkie?"

"Eh, I guess. I'm not doing this for fun though, I'm doing this to help Applejack. I don't want her to lose the farm."

"And you aren't doing this for pay?"

"Well in a way, I am getting paid." I was curious.

"Oh? And how so?"

"Well if I help Applejack, she won't lose her farm. If she doesn't lose the farm then she can stay and we can still be friends and do stuff together. And other than that, I really like to make my friends happy and if I help her, she will be happy. That's all the motivation I need."

"Interesting... But who says she has to leave if she loses the farm? And why would she lose the farm? The lynx kill the trees, but she has corn too right?"

"That's more of a side business." She said.

"Well if corn is easier to protect than Apples, why don't they just grow and sell a lot of corn instead of a lot of apples?"

"It's because it's so hard to protect that they sell it. It's worth a lot because it's harder to grow in most other places of Equestria. It's easier to grow apples in the desert than in most of Equestria because there aren't many things in the desert that will kill the apples." Ponies must have it tough if they don't have many places they can grow food. "And besides," I returned my attention to Pinkie Pie, "Ponies don't eat corn. They only started growing it... actually, it was a decade or so ago." She stopped talking, so I prodded her.

"Why did they only start growing corn a decade ago?"

"Well... Applejack and Big Macintosh's dad got this machine one day, and it made farming easier, so they started growing other stuff besides apples. You can ask Granny Smith about it, it's a sad story." That confused me.

"Why is it a sad story?"

"Maybe you should ask Granny Smith. But please don't ask Applejack or Big Mac, okay?"

"Alright fine, I won't ask them.

"No, Pinkie Promise."

"Alright then." I held out my pinkie finger for her to grab.

"What are you doing?" She asked. I dead panned.

"I'm trying to make a pinkie promise." She shook her head.

"No, you gotta do it like this." She got into position. "I promise to do whatever. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." She did some stuff with her hoof and then stuck it in her closed eye.

"I'm not doing... Fine. I promise not to ask Applejack or Big Mac anything about the sad story. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." I did the stupid shit and sighed.

"Thanks. Well, we should get back to work. I can't wait for the next break."

During this next shift of work, I burst out laughing when I took the time to look into the copper box. It was starting to get full and let me just say, a bunch of live animals piled on top of each other is an amusing sight. If it were a pet kind of animal, like dogs or cats, I would have felt sorry. But these things were pests so I felt no guilt.

When our next break came, we both looked into the box and saw the pile was nearing the top. If one of them got a good foot hold on another, they could probably jump out. With my help, Pinkie and I hauled the box back to the barn.

"Well howdy there young'ns!" Granny Smith yelled to us. as we neared the barn. "You filled that there box already?"

"Yes ma`am." I shouted to her. We got closer to her before she responded.

"The other crew hasn't even shown up yet. I knew those reachers of yours were good for working." That's an interesting compliment. Then again, it's probably more common for them to see creatures with different appendages than it is for me.

"Thank you ma`am. Where should we off load these?"

"Well as luck would have it, a critter came and slaughtered our chickens a couple weeks ago. Since we haven't had luck selling eggs for some time, it means we have a perfectly fine place to off load these little guys. Hmm... Maybe we can farm these. I know they make good eatings for griffons and the like. And maybe I can work something out with Rarity regarding the pelts. If she won't take em, the sofa seller in town would likely be able to work with them."

"That's a great plan, but this crate is heavy so maybe you can just direct us to the chicken pen?" I really wasn't doing much of the work, I just had to keep it balanced, which isn't that easy of a task. Pinkie was huffing and puffing once in a while, so I knew this box wasn't easier. I know it would have been gentlemanly to carry it for her, but this crate was to heavy for just one of us and since carrying things on their back is... I don't know who I'm defending myself to.

Granny Smith brought us over to the chicken pen and we poured the box into there. I highly doubt none of them were injured.

"Pardon me, Miss Smith, but can I ask you a question?"

Chapter 8 (1/2)

Chapter 6 (3/3)

"Pardon me, Miss Smith, but can I ask you a question?"

"If I can remember the answer, then yes you can." No kidding...

"You have this machine that makes farming easier right?" Pinkie cut in.

"I'm bringing this box back to the place. Catch up with me after you're done talking." I didn't reply. I knew she didn't want to be around to hear whatever story I was about to here.

"Ah that thing. Big Mac is the one who uses the thing, it's got these crazy levers and doohickeys. He's better at that stuff than Applejack or I."

"I've heard that there's a sad story, would you share it?" She got a confused look for a bit.

"Sad story? Sad... Oh!" She finally said, and a serious tone took over her.

"Well, they're probably referring to the first time it was used. My husband, Papa Apple, took Big Mac out into the shed to teach him how to use it. I don't know much about what happened but..." She stopped talking for a bit. "But, I do know that the machine took Papa Apple and..." She stopped talking for another moment.

"You don't need to finish that story." I said. "I get it. Miss Smith, I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost people close to me, and I know it isn't easy."

"Mhm. Well, would you please get back out there? I don't want Pinkie to feel lonely out there." I nodded and left without a word. Well shit... that's some depressing shit... This Big Mac guy must be a strong guy, sitting on the very machine that killed his father. I sighed to myself as I walked along the dirt road. Crap, now I'm sad. I have a problem with emotions, it's because of a thing that happened to me a long time ago. When I start to actually feel an emotion, it begins to over power my thinking. Particularly, rational thinking. I couldn't help but feel absolutely miserable, despite not really having anything to feel sad about.

Nothing else of relevance occurred the rest of the day. I went back to the farm the next day, and the next. I didn't learn anything useful from Pinkie. I didn't see Applejack or Fluttershy once. The next relevant event occurred on Wednesday.

Me and Pinkie were carrying a load back to the barn, and it would seem that we had put to many of the rats in there. Two hopped out and ran ahead of us. Pinkie couldn't drop the heavy box fast enough, so I chased them down alone. They hopped behind some bushes and I heard a loud scream. I pursued them and saw a young child, Applebloom, defending herself with a picket sign in her mouth.

"Stay back!" She shouted, swinging it at them. These must be pretty aggressive creatures since they weren't cornered or anything. They were circling Applebloom. They were probably pissed because we were carrying them in a box. It was then that Applebloom saw me.

"Sweet Celestia!" She shouted in terror. She turned tail and ran, the two lynx chasing after her. Does she think I'm a monster? I didn't spend too much time thinking about it though, I ran after the lynx. I'm a pretty fast runner, but the thing is I have asthma and can only run for so long because it bites me in the ass.

Applebloom, though I didn't know that was her name then, ran as fast as she could, but the thing is those lynx were faster than her. They were gaining on her, as she ducked through bushes and hopped over a fallen tree. I almost caught up to them once but I hit my foot on that fallen log and that slowed me down. When I was just nearing them, the girl ran up a ramp ladder thing into a tree house. It was the same tree house Pinkie Pie had taken me to my first night here. That feels like so long ago.

The lynx chased her into the tree, and I pursued. When I got in, here was the scene. She was pushing them back with this massive pole, it had this weird crescent shape at the end. Why the hell does she have a weapon like that? I didn't wait any longer. I leapt at the lynx and grabbed one of them by the tail. The other I missed. I swung the one I had grabbed around, and then slammed it into the corner of the siding on the door. Its arms flailed around, claws slicing through the air, hoping to take part of me off. I grabbed its neck and squeezed tightly while I pulled on the tail. The tail ripped off and blood spilled out to my feet. My right hand, the one that was holding the tail, then firmly gripped its rib cage and squeezed. I dropped it maybe fifteen seconds later when I was certain that, if it wasn't dead, it wouldn't be able to attack either of us.

I turned to the girl and the pest, a sense of power filling me. I could destroy this pest. I stepped forward to grab it but it would seem the message that I was on the little girl's side hadn't gotten through to her. She cleared the pole across the room, over the pest, right into my neck. It wasn't sharp, but it was heavy and strong. I fell to the floor with the pole on top of me, coughing and hacking. I think she jumped out the window or something, but I really couldn't see as I was too busy trying to breath. The lynx that remained turned on me, and as I grabbed the pole with both hands, hoping to heft it up and use it to defend myself, the lynx jumped up on top of me and snapped at one of my hands.

It didn't hurt as much as one would think. Having my finger ripped off that is. I shouted in rage, I pushed the pole off of me, and the thing with it, then jumped to my feet. The second I locked onto the fucking rat, I charged and slammed my right foot on it. It's a kind of kick I was taught called an ax kick. You lift your foot high into the sky, making more than a 90* angle, and slam it down on the heel. I crushed its ribs and its neck beneath my foot. Then I started to get dizzy. Not from blood loss or anything, I just tend to get dizzy when I jump up like that. I didn't trust that it was dead, so in an effort to get rid of the dizziness and ensure it's death, I fell to my knees. My knee cap landed right on top of the filthy pest, and then I was certain it was dead.

Breathing heavily, I looked at the mess I had made in the room. I started thinking. I... I... I... I really wish you hadn't done that. There was a long, dragging silence. This is quite a mess. It would be impolite of me not to clean it up. Let's get to work, shall we? Obediently, I looked around for any cleaning supplies in the tree house. In a drawer there were towels, but there weren't any cleaning chemicals. Hmm... I... I'm... starting to wonder if we may be able to use chemicals to take care of this pest. Theres... no time to think about that now. We should be cleaning. I set the towels on top of the drawer, and went to gather the bodies of the lynx.

Just before tossing them into a bush, I considered eating them. I disregarded the idea though, as it was uncooked. Then I went back inside and used the towels to wipe up as much of the blood as I could. When I finished, I took my red stained towels with me and looked for the path that would lead me back the barn.

It was a long and boring walk, but when I finally got to the barn I was confronted by Granny Smith.

"You there! Tell me what happened with little Applebloom." Is she angry? Kinda looks like it.

"Well, some lynx got out and chased her. I chased after them and killed the lynx before they could hurt her." She pulled me into a hug. It was kinda gross, with her loose skin and stuff.

"Oh thank you dear, I can't tell you how much it means to me. But... Ah!" I hadn't realized I was bleeding. Well, she had a large red stain on her back. She looked down to see my hand with a missing finger.

"Yeah, so one of those lynx kinda ripped my finger off, which really should be hurting but the thing is... It doesn't." She shook her head and started walking to the farm house.

"Oh you probably don't even feel pain from it do you? Then we best hurry and bandage it up. That thing is going to be giving you a kick in the head before too long. Come with me now, I've got supplies in the home." I obeyed and silently followed her, curious as to why I wasn't in pain.

Well, I was decommissioned from working on the farm, due to my small injury. Twilight didn't want me losing any appendages, she said she worried the loss of an appendage would change my behavior somehow. I don't really understand that logic, but I guess I'm her experiment, so she can run it however she wants. Twilight told me that they ended up running out of space to store the lynx, so they resorted to using pesticides to clear out the rest of the trees. I did some work around the library, cleaning and stuff, and hung around with Spike, who I suppose was left to keep an eye on me. Twilight came back on Sunday, the work all finished.

Chapter 8 (2/2)

Chapter 7 (1/2)

Chapter 7 - Split Ends

The next event of relevance occurred on Monday. Have you ever woken up and had morning breath so bad you could taste it? It sucks. So when it registered that my breath stank horrible, I got up and dragged myself through the house into the kitchen upstairs. On my way, I noticed that the table held no schedule for me to check. Odd… I thought, knowing that Twilight super obsessed with stuff like that and never fell behind. There, I rummaged through the cabinets for some herbs. I found basil and thyme. I crammed some of them in my mouth and took a glug of water. I didn’t swallow though, I just swished it around in between my teeth and around my tongue. I did it until it stung too much and I could feel it everywhere in my mouth. I went to the sink and spat it out. Minty… I thought.

I then took notice that the room was vacant. Ordinarily the purple ones would be awake before me, but no. I walked up the stairs to Twilight’s room and knocked. No response. There was, however, a snoring coming from the other side of the door. I smiled awkwardly. Is that Twilight? I wondered. I opened the door and saw that Twilight’s bed was empty. I also found that the snoring was coming from Spike, who was curled in a ball beneath his blanket. I walked over to him and nudged him with my foot.

“What!” He finally snapped.

“Where’s Twilight?” I asked. He blinked at me, and started to retreat beneath his blanket

“I dunno, maybe in the basement. How come?”

“Well, there’s no schedule and since neither of you are downstairs, I have no clue what’s up.” His head popped back out from his blanket.

“No schedule? … Weird. She’s never not had a schedule around before… Go ask her about that will ya?” I nodded and left the room. As I walked down the stairs, snoring began to follow me from the open door. I smiled.

So, I looked around for the basement door and found it beneath the stair case to the upstairs. Odd, I never noticed that before. I walked down the stairs and found myself on a balcony overlooking a laboratory underground. It’s hard to describe how it looked. There was a staircase to mIt’s hard to describe how it looked. There was a staircase to my right that would lead down to where she was.

"Pardon me Twilight, but when is breakfast?" No response. I saw Twilight sitting by a wall reading a book. I drifted down the staircase and walked over to her. I looked over her head and tried to read the book for myself. She closed it promptly.

"Hello Herbert, do you need something?"

"No not really, you just didn't put up a schedule for me today so I really have no sense of direction."

"Oh that, I think I have a problem with my schedule, and I am not sure how to deal with it, but I am sure Ill figure it out later. Want to go for a walk? I need some time outside. This cramped room is getting to me." Cramped? You could stack thirty of me and not even touch the ceiling. And that isn't taking into account your height.

"Sure, I would love to stretch my legs. And I always like spending time with my friends outside.” n retrospect, I think I understand the motive behind that statement more clearly now. I was trying to keep toying with her: always with the manipulating. Somewhere between then and now I have changed, for the manipulation and suffering of others is no longer one of my priorities. I am not sure how I am different now, but I know something must have changed in my personality. I must look into this, but for now I will keep logging the events that have occurred prior to today. I wonder what day it is. Feels so long, and yet that may just be relative. No sun makes it hard... How do I even see the paper I am writing, there is obviously no source of light, and yet this cave remains well lit? Maybe I could come back some day and observe this. Assuming I ever make it out.

Twilight made no visible reaction to the comment, so I must assume that she is becoming numb to those little complements and now requires more pushing, is acknowledging my attempts to manipulate her and is guarding herself against me, or is simply responding in ways I can't perceive. I need to pay more attention to body language, maybe her tail flicking is something I can read.

We silently made our way up the staircase.

"Wait out front, I am telling Spike we are going for a walk."

“Oh, be sure to tell Spike why you don’t have a schedule. I mentioned it and he was curious.” She nodded and trotted up the stairs. I walked outside and leaned against the wall.

"Spike is coming. Come now, I need to stretch my legs." And so we walked through Ponyville. I took the time again to observe the buildings, how easy it would be to burn the town to the ground, and other little things like that.

"So, what kind of relationships do you humans have with each other back in your world?"

"Complex. Everything is complex, though most people deny it. There are so many subtle things people do that can impact the way others feel about them. There is a science devoted to it, but I am sure you ponies have that."

"Science about relationships? No, we don't have anything like that. What is yours called?"

"Sociology, I believe. I am not that well learned in it though.” As we walked, a feeling of dread was beginning to build up. It felt like a weight on my shoulders. Something felt off. It was then that I realized Twilight had been talking to me. I only caught the tail portion of what she said.

"… something like that. Pinkie Pie, she has a sort of sixth sense. It tells her when random events are about to occur… Hey Spike, what does that cloud look like to you?" She pointed to a strange cloud, it looked like an off color."

"Looks like cotton candy!" He said.

"Oh Spike... wait... it does look like cotton candy. Herbert, do you see that?" I squinted my shitty eyes to look at it.

"Yes, I do. It’s probably just pollution of some sort. You said there are big cities with factories right?"

"Yes, but the worst pollution we have is in Detrot, and its only a couple miscarriages." A couple misscarriages? That is awful... Wait, no! Miscarriages are bad, Detrot is awful! The rainbow one flew overhead, and got caught in a cotton cloud.

"Look, there goes Rainbowdash, let’s ask her why the clouds are strange. She is heading to Sweet Apple Acres." We began walking at a jog.

"Why would Rainbowdash know why the clouds are pink?" I asked.

"She is the Weather Mare; any decisions about the weather are reported to her so she can carry them out. If this is supposed to happen, she would know." I said nothing else. We jogged along the road to the farm when I saw the freakiest thing ever.

"Twilight, I think there is a radiation leak somewhere around here..." I said, pointing to a fucking mutant rabbit. Its legs were like that of a giraffe.

"That... let’s pretend we never saw that." Well aren't you no fun, Twilight. We kept trekking along to the farm to find, for lack of a better term, chaos. The corn fields were popping like in a microwave, the apples were bringing the trees down, there was a mess of pink clouds in the air, and yeah, that is it. Twilight tried to do a spell to fix the shit, but it landed ass upwards. This white chick was there, along with the other ponies. Twilight came up with a pretty good idea for how to get the clouds together, and I am pretty sure Pinkie Pie contracted Diabetes that day. Contracted? Maybe the term is developed. Anyway, she looked kind of... sexy? I don't know, she was lying on her back and chocolate milk was showering on her and covering her entire body, dripping along her curves and I guess it kind of turned me on... I was still fucking naked... I am pretty sure it will be obvious to these ponies if they ever turn me on. Wow, as I am writing this, it has probably been days since I have jerked off. I am not doing it with Fluttershy in this cave, I have barely enough pride not to do that.

Anyway, Twilight got a letter saying we all had to come to Canterlot, for some reason I had to go but Spike didn't. Does Twilight really still not trust me to be alone? No, that can’t be it, she has left me alone with Spike before. I dunno.

Anyway, we got there and I met Celestia, a big chubby horse with wings and a horn. She talked a lot, got interrupted, talked some more, and then we met Discord. I kind of went into a trance after that point, his voice was just beautiful. When I came out of my zone, Twilight was pushing me with her head.

"Herbert, snap out of it. We need to go to the gardens."

"Huh? Is that where that guy is? I want to hear him talk some more." She cocked her head to the right.

"Are you feeling alright Herbert? You seemed a bit dizzy while he was talking. Did he do anything to you?"

"No, it is just... that voice is so wonderful..."

"You can be a fan filly later, right now we need to find the Elements of Harmony!"

"What are those?"

"I can tell you all about them when we get home, right now we need to get them and use them to save Equestria." Home... my home is a tree now... I feel really empty right now. I think I deflated a bit.

"Herbert, what’s wrong? You look a bit troubled."

"Oh it is nothing Twilight, I just realized how my life has changed... I just feel a little home sick I guess. Don't worry, it won’t get in between me and assisting you. What can I do to help?" In retrospect, it was very out of character for me to feel homesick. I wasn’t the type to have emotions of that sort.I was probably just having a mood swing.

"Just come with us to the garden, okay? We will look for the Elements together." I wonder what they look like. I am sure they will recognize them, which further solidifies the fact that I shouldn't be here. We walked out to the gardens, I just followed behind... I keep looking at these horses asses, I guess inevitably having a relationship with one won't be too hard if I am already getting turned on by them. We got to the entrance to the gardens and long story short, that guy came again but his voice wasn’t as enchanting. He basically mocked us and fucked with our heads before ditching us. We went into the garden and we all ended up getting split apart. Twilight yelled to us all that we need to meet up at the center of the garden, so I just started walking forward. I took only one turn, and it was to the left, so after a while I was certain I was nowhere near the center. I thought of trying to dig my way through the bushes, but I heard a lot of creepy laughter on the other side of it when I was getting ready to try, so I crossed that off my list. I began to take note of the different kinds of plants that grew on the sides of these path ways. One particular berry was dominant among the rest.

"Alistar Berries? But they usually grow near very dark and moist places..." I squinted my eyes and glared ahead until I could see a dark cave up ahead. Well I just know I'm going to get my shit fucked in here... I walked nonetheless, and slowly approached the dark cave. It seemed that the cave just got darker as one went in, so I tried to think of how I could give myself some light. Alistar berries, they grow in dark places for a reason... They give off light when broken, it is part of their defense mechanism! But they don't give off nearly enough alone for me to walk with. Maybe if I collected enough of them and smashed them onto a stick... I could use that as a torch. I set to gathering as many berries as I could. I also ripped a branch off the bushes. Once I had gathered ten of the brownish black berries, I began mashing them onto the end of the stick. It was emitting a glow that would provide me with enough light to see maybe five feet. And so I set into the cave.

As my feet fell against the gravely, muddy earth, I noted the sense of dread filling me. As I walked, I became paranoid of the very gravel beneath my feet. As my feet slipped through the muddiness and sank into the loose gravel with every step, I knew that running, to or from; any threats would be a challenge, as this terrain would undoubtedly slow me down.

After a few moments of struggling through the gravely ground, squinting to see in this dim light, I made out a figure in the shadows. It seemed like a human, but I dismissed that as impossible. My head then started to ache.

“Hello?” I called out while I approached. As I got closer, my dim light began to set on the figure. I grimaced. There was slimy slick skin; it shined in an eerie, disgusting way. It was a female human, or at least it appeared to be one. She was a tad shorter than me. Dark brown hair draped down over her shoulders like sickly seaweed. My footfalls stopped about five feet away from her, and I stared in shock and a mix of disgust. What am I looking at? Then she turned around. My lip curled in disgust, her figure was worse from the front. The way light gleamed off of her breasts… I know that sounds sexy when written, but if you heard me say it you would feel the disgust in my voice. It was like a light shining off of a snake egg. She had this narrow chin, with these pale cheeks and lips that were curled in a horrifying, smile. Her teeth showed, and honestly, they were probably the only pretty thing about her. They were bright white and shiny, very healthy.

“One Two Two One…” There was a pause, “Hel-lo Al-pha. One Two Two One.”

Chapter 9 Chapter 7 (2/2)

I just stared at her with a bit of an open mouth. My arms and legs were shaking. I recognized this from, it was one I had seen late in my childhood and saw every day until some time back in second grade. It wasn’t possible that it stood before me though, it never really existed. She spoke again.

“One Two Two One… You seem qui-et One Two Two One… Did you miss me?” Her head twitched upward for a bit, and she shook her head back and forth, an expression of pain on her face. It left quickly, and was replaced with a somber expression. I worked my jaw for a second, and then spoke.

“Ze…Zeta?” She waited a few seconds, trying to organize her words properly. Once she came to a good combination of syllables, she spoke.

“One Two Two One… Yes it is me.” I clenched my teeth for a moment. She was silent for a moment; she does that when she thinks hard. Her head started twitching more, and then she furrowed her brows in anger.

“Enemy…” She glared at me. She then made a number of confusing facial expressions, some of which looked painful, others like she was confused. Then, she screamed.

“Enemies! Enemies everywhere!” I just watched as she slowly had a mental breakdown. I understood what was going on, it was an issue she had long ago. It had gotten worse as she, the others, and I continued our journey. It wasn’t getting progressively worse; it got worse only when she had forcefully assimilated another personality. It’s what happens when a personality is composed of conflicting traits and ideals. She was contradicting herself just by thinking, and so it was hard for her to exist without being in pain. I suppose that could make her sound like a victim, but the truth is, she was dark and twisted before she had this problem. In fact, it was fortunate that she was suffering. It had saved me from her a few times.

I had gotten into a trance, listening to her spout gibberish. It made me feel like I was back in the old days, with Gamma and Omega. They were the ones I liked. Gamma was kind to me, and Omega always… knew things. Anyway, I was in such a trance I almost didn’t notice when Zeta took a step towards me. Fortunately, I had. I jumped back from her, and she stopped and tilted her head to the right. Well, to her left, my right.

“What’s the matter, my silly child?” She said, taking another step towards me. “You aren’t afraid are you?” Another step, my blood felt frozen. “You know there’s nothing to worry about.” I finally found the will to start walking backwards. “If you die, you will just come back, like you always do.” I suppose that deserves some explanation. Back in that dream, that world of illusions, I had received a great deal of abuse. Some off the time, I didn’t understand that I was in pain, so I just sat there. Other times though, I would realize that I was being raped, beaten, burned, or whatever other sick thing that Zeta or Beta had chosen to do. It had become their way of releasing their stress, by abusing me. Well, whenever they went too far, and something was done to me that I could not trick myself into thinking I could live through, I would, in a way, reset myself. I had a new body. That’s not to say I would be completely healed or anything. There were some injuries that never went away. Things like my burned up arm, or my bloody rectum.

“No Zeta, wait what the hell is-” I didn’t get to finish that sentence, as she leapt for me and took me to the ground. The gravel cut into my back, and it felt like I had hit my head on solid stone. I looked up to see Zeta sitting on top of me. Her eyes were almost devoid of color. There was a great big area of white with just barely a pinprick of her iris. I think they were purple, but that could have just been the light. Again, it sounds hot for a naked women with these perky, wet breasts to be sitting right on top of you right? Not this time. She was slimy, pale, and fucking gross. And despite that; her off putting behavior was a major boner killer.

Her right hand pushed down on my chest, making it harder for me to breath and pushing me further into the gravel. Her face moved to my right shoulder and she started licking me. Her left hand went down to my crotch. She gripped me roughly and began pulling and twisting. She stopped licking and started biting my shoulder, drawing blood. The pain brought me back to reality. No! Not again! My right hand came up and knocked her bluntly in the side of the head. I really feel like that could have killed her.

Scrambling to my feet, I ran through the muddy gravel and stumbled around. I didn’t look back, and I didn’t listen for her, I just ran as fast as I could into the darkness. Shit! I lost my glowing stick. I ran through the cave and bumped into a wall. I inched along it until I saw a light in the distance. I just sat and watched it. If I saw it, maybe Zeta did also. I fell silently to my belly, and crawled across the ground on my elbows and knees. I got close enough to see what the light source was. It appeared to be these strange mushrooms on the cave roof. They didn’t exactly glow, but they were spitting something else out that glowed. It was interesting to look at.

Suddenly, a jolt of fear rushed up my back as I heard footsteps near me. They were evenly spaced and were walking towards the light from somewhere behind me. I rolled over to the right to distance myself from the sound, and then lay silently. The figure I assumed was Zeta walked past me, and approached the area of light. It was another human, not Zeta. It was a boy, but he looked odd. He looked old, but also like a child. It’s hard to explain that. He was short and had other child features, but he seemed… old. I can’t really describe it. Once he stood in the area of light, he cupped his hands in the air, and walked back into the darkness. He made some form of movement with his hands and a small area of light went ahead of him. What the hell am I seeing? I wondered. Is this guy doing magic? He repeated the process a number of times, and it was then I figured it out. The mushrooms were expunging a light source into the air, and this guy was taking it and spreading it around so he could see for a short while. Wow! That’s very clever. I was impressed by the ingenuity. Unfortunately, having figured out what he was doing hadn’t given me the sense the keep myself hidden from him. He faced toward my general area and sent a small flurry of these radiant particles.

His hair was a light black, almost grey but not quite. His skin was whitish, but not bone pale like Zeta. His back would hunch occasionally as he walked. He was speaking to himself, but it was at a bare whisper so I could barely hear it.

“I request identification.” He stated. His voice was entirely monotonous and without feeling. His face was frozen in what seemed to be an entirely neutral manner. It looked stuck up to me and it kinda ticked me off. I stood up and got a good look at him. He looked rather weak and I was confident I could impale him should the need arise. And then I realized something. This was Delta: the sort of brother to Omega.

“Delta, it’s me, Alpha.” I said, feeling slightly at ease to have him around. He wasn’t the nicest to me on our journey, but he had never abused me before. He treated me with the same respect he treated all the others, despite how inferior I was to them at the time.

He was silent for a moment.

“Proceeding to eradicate Alpha.” He stated. He didn’t waste time trying to intimidate me. Instead, he began a steady paced march towards me. I began to back away, but he leapt through the air and landed on my chest. He clenched my neck with his two hands and squeezed tightly. My head was getting filled with a warm, dizziness, and my vision started to dim as I thrashed and struggled beneath his grasp. I moved my hands up his arms that clenched me tight, and I pushed them by the inside of the joint. This caused him to collapse on top of me. I can’t really detail the rest of our struggle, as it was all very confusing to me, but in the end I was on top of him shoving gravel into his mouth. When I felt confident enough, I jumped off of him and he rolled over onto his stomach and began coughing up the rocks and mud.

I searched through my blurry memory for a set of words. Omega always used them when talking to Delta. They were like commands that put him in a state of… Well, they seem to make him more cooperative. Come on, think damn it! What was it? Delta continued to choke and cough up mud and gravel, and I worried the noise might draw Zeta. Delta seemed to want to kill me, but I can only imagine what Zeta may want to do with me. Delta was cold, but she was twisted. As Delta finally got to his feet, and prepared to charge at me, I made an attempt.

“Delta, information request.” It failed. He didn’t even pause as he began trudging towards me. Fuck! I mainly wanted to ask him why he wanted to kill me, but I also knew that he tends not to move when he’s talking: he isn’t much of a multi-tasker.

“Shit uh… Data Request!” I was lobbing any combination of words that I could remember Omega saying, and fortunately, this one worked. Delta paused for a moment, then began looking in different directions.

“I… I don’t-” He stopped talking abruptly and just stared glazy eyed for a moment. My heavy panting was the only sound around us as he made little twitches and spastically looked left and right. Finally, his eyes locked on me.

“I await your query.” Thank God… Now that I finally had him docile, I was unsure what to exactly ask. I settled on this.

“What is your current objective?”

“Eradicate Alpha.”

“Why?” He cocked his head to his left.

“Rephrase the question.”

“Why do you want to kill me?”

“Because you’re destruction is beneficial to me.”

“How so?” He was silent.

“How is my death beneficial to you?”

“Incorrect. I don’t need you to die.”

“You just said you did.”

“Incorrect. I need you not to exist. If you died, then that would be… bad.”

“So you don’t want me to die… you just want me not to be alive?”

“Incorrect. I want you not to exist.” … Are you fucking with me? I gave an exasperated sigh, talking to people like Delta, the overly specific ones, is never easy. The worst part is, he doesn’t know better. I can’t call him a jackass because he doesn’t know better. He’s built on a very crude way of thinking.

“So… why do you want me not to exist?”

“… Because it pleases me.” He stated, after a long period of what seemed to be internal conflict.

“Pleases you?” This confused me, as none of the Logicians felt pleasure in much of anything. Not only that, but the phrase ‘Because it pleases me.’ Is a term that is only used by the Manics. I suppose this is a good time to illustrate the difference.

So way back when, when there were who knows how many personalities, I think it reached 40 at one point, pretty much all of the personalities could be grouped into one of three categories: Manic, Logician, and there was a third but it had a weird name. I just call them Instinctual, although I remember them having a different name, something beginning with the letter O. Manics were dependant on emotion and cared not for physical needs of the body, focusing solely on pleasure of the mind. There were Logicians, who were incapable of these emotions, and revolved solely around some area of logic. They were all built on a flawed logic, and it is sort of why the strongest of them was the lesser of the three greatest personalities. There was also these Instinctual ones, who craved and lusted after pleasures of the body, things like sex, eating, shitting, all that stuff. There were some personalities that didn’t really fall into any of these categories, and they were usually so unstable they just ended up being assimilated by someone like Zeta, who lusted after the assimilation of others. I’m unsure why she never assimilated me or the other four.

Alright, now that I explain all that annoying stuff, each of these factions had some distinguishing traits that make them easy to differentiate them from other factions. The Instinctual ones were entirely self centered and only served themselves. The bad thing about that was, they didn’t put thought into things to figure out whether or not helping others would help themselves, so they tended to hate everyone else. Zeta was like that for a time, before she became so screwed up she had no more concept of hating anyone but herself. Logicians only do things to benefit themselves, but they have all this confusing shit to decide whether or not helping others helps them, they really are my least favorite group to talk about. Especially since I was a part of the Manic faction. This group was more diverse than the other groups, though that isn’t saying a lot. There are three types of Manics, essentially. There are ones who go out of their way to serve others, disregarding whether or not they are helped or harmed by it, these tend to be more simple minded ones. Then there are some who go out of their way to harm others, also disregarding whether or not it benefits them. These also tend to be more simple minded ones. Then there is the third group, the ones who do whatever they feel like doing at the time. Probably the closest thing to intelligent in the Manic society, though there really wasn’t much society when it came to any of the three groups. Everyone was on their own.

Well I suppose I put way too much effort into explaining this. I could have just as easily summed all of this up with ‘It is strange for someone like Delta to say something like that.’

“What do you mean by, ‘because it pleases me’?” He stalled for a good while, but then answered.

“I don’t know. This is… abnormal.” He clenched his teeth in an expression of pain.

“Gah! Holy fucking shit!” He shouted. I started to back away slowly. I didn’t know what was wrong with Delta, but if he wasn’t thinking properly then maybe the hold I had on him might wear off. That means I needed a good head start. Instead, I found myself getting molested.

I gasped as a pair of hands wrapped around my body, and a distorted chuckling ementated from behind me. It was Zeta.

“I found you, silly. I almost lost you.” As she pulled me to the ground, I was filled with something I really had never felt for any personality, not even Beta, who had spent days torturing me simply because… ‘Because it pleases him’. That feeling was hatred, I felt honest hatred towards Zeta.

Just as suddenly as I began to feel an honest loathing for Zeta, she disappeared, and a chuckling seemed to fill my head.

“I crawled up from the floor in time to have my face pounded by a fist. Delta stood before me, raising his fist for another blow. We had one small exchange.

“Why?” I asked, desperate to stall him.

“Because it pleases me!” He shouted as he leapt towards me, his fist colliding with my jaw. I coughed roughly as I fell to the ground. I found myself being kicked in the rib cage repeatedly, and as I lay there, only a few thoughts went through my head. I can’t believe how much I hate them all right now… There was more chuckling as my vision dimmed and I passed into a sleep.

Chapter 10

Chapter 8

Chapter 8 - Unwinding the Threads

Before writing this, I should point out that I may have been under the influence of some mind altering property.

I was sitting off to the side of a large crater, the cave and the garden both no longer in sight. Where the hell am I? Our current location may be determinable by land marks nearby. Oh please don't tell me... The subject lost consciousness in the Canterlot Gardens, which seem to have been obliterated. Perhaps we should search for the Castle, and make our way to it. Damnit Delta! You fucking piece… I began to feel like I was floating in water, and I inevitably lost control. Recall Alpha, you are susceptible to emotion without me here to stabilize your focus. I shall assume control of the situation. You will be called upon when you have a purpose to serve. Expect to be on standby for an indeterminably long time. I found myself standing up, and I believe I was walking to the large castle to the right of me. I saw some twists of different colors, and after a few seconds I realized it was a door. My vision was so strange, I was having a hard time telling where one object ended and another began. Like you draw a picture, but you take all the lines that separate the objects away and everything just melts into each other. A few seconds later, I was speaking to the big white horse thing.

"Hello, pony princess." Said a monotonous voice, it was my own but it was being forced to sound emotionless. I hated it. My thoughts twisted and I thought of how wonderful it would be if I could just kill Delta. Make him go away. I don’t know why, but the thought of him being destroyed pleased me to no end.

"Human? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Ponyville? And please, call me Celestia. What is your name, by the way."

"Celestia... Confirmed. Celestia, I lost consciousness while in your garden. Now that I have awoken, I request you provide me a way to return to Ponyville so Twilight and I may continue our search for these Elements, or were they what caused that large crater in the gardens? Has the enemy been eradicated?" She was silent for a period of time, gazing upon us with stern eyes. Then she asked me a question. Or rather, she asked Delta a question.

"Human. Did you happen to see Discord during your time in the garden? Did you bump into him at any point?" A long silence followed. I was curious about why Delta wasn’t responding, he seemed to be struggling to remember.

"I… I do not recall. I do know we saw him before entering the garden, but after that I just remember walking and… fighting?” He seemed to be asking. Who was the enemy? He asked me. I couldn’t respond, that would have required logic in order to piece together coherent thought. I was one of the few personalities unfortunate enough not to have logic by virtue of just existing.

"I see…" The princess muttered, peering down on me with glaring eyes. Delta began to tremble slightly. I feel… abnormal. Delta, ask her how she got to be so fat, I want to see her reaction. I felt so shitty right then. I could put up with Delta, though for some reason I hated him more than ever right then, probably because he had essentially kicked my ass. Zeta though… She kind of scared me. Not because she could hurt me, but because the things she says just…. She can drive a man up a wall, kind of like most women. I don’t know how it is vice versa, I suppose I’ve seen plenty of situations where boys do things that girls just can’t fucking stand, and there are a lot of times when I sympathize with them. But the stereotypes of boys and girls both just drive me up the wall; they’re both so over exaggerated. Then again, not all of it is really over the top. Maybe I should save this rant for some other day.

I suddenly felt a sense of structure being placed onto me. My thoughts stopped being like a mix of emotion and started to spell itself out as sloppy letters on a piece of paper. It was an overall unpleasant feeling.

Alpha: I inquire, can you communicate? I remained silent. I had nothing to say to him, I still felt a sense of abhorrence to him. A moment passed, and then I felt a shudder of pain go through me. Delta was forcing more of his flawed logic on me. If I wanted to, I could easily fight it. The plight of a manic like me though is we have no control over what we want, nor do we have a way to predict our own desires. I can’t do something if I don’t want to do it. And I don’t always WANT anything. It makes it difficult to even exist as a manic, or at least function.

The feeling of his logic being forced over me was like a needle of anesthesia being injected into you. It feels horrible at first, but the pain slowly dies as you start to become indifferent to it. And when it’s done, you feel like a rock: empty and cold. Alpha: I inquire, can you communicate? Through no will of my own, I found myself responding. Yes. Acknowledged. I request your cooperation. Logic could make me talk, but it couldn’t make me cooperate. This time, it wasn’t logic opposing my lack of desire, it was logic opposing my desire not to do something. These are different situations. No! Disregarded. You will cooperate. Delta started to act aggressively, trying to force me to think exactly like him. He was surprisingly strong, and my desire to resist wasn’t very great. He asked if I would cooperate again, and this time I conceded. On the trip back to Ponyville, I will ask you a series of questions relating to an event that occurred in the garden. I would like you to answer these, as I find myself confused. It appears you were fighting someone, but there were no enemies present. End. As he started to withdraw his influence from me, and I started to feel more and more free, I found myself getting a word in before losing my ability to force myself to speak. I loathe when you speak. Acknowledged.

“Alright. I think I understand what’s going on here.” Princess Celestia said, more to herself. Our eyes, which had started glazing over, focused back on her.

“Alright, Human. I will arrange for you to be transported to Ponyville by way of flying chariot. When you arrive, you are not to leave the company of the guards. They will be keeping a close eye on you and will escort you to Twilight. Understand?” Her voice sounded worried but firm, like someone trying to instruct me on how to disarm a bomb that could kill both me and them if disarmed improperly. I used the control that was fleeting from me and shoved out a warm:

“Thank you, princess Celestia.” Delta was surprised that I was still able to talk, and put more effort into withdrawing his logic from me. Celestia, who had started to talk away from the throne towards a door located to the left of it, turned back to me with interest just in time to see my head twitch upwards in an expression of pain. You did not request authorization to speak. He notified me. Princess Celestia adopted a face of stress and continued walking back to the door.

I found myself once again unable to speak. I don’t think I can put into words how unfortunate this is, as Zeta took this as an opportunity to speak to Delta without me being able to interfere. Her voice agitated me. Delta, speaking time… er… I need to speak to you. Her words came out forced and jumbled, which I thought was strange. Sure, it’s normal for instinctual personalities to speak like that, but Zeta isn’t exactly a normal personality. She and Gamma were creations of the Greater Enemy Limelight. The reason this makes them special is because Limelight, though being instinctual, had a semblance of Logic to him. He was clever and determined; he was the kind of person who would work to his goal for years, one step at a time. He had given both Zeta and Gamma the kind of logic where they could communicate without needing to jumble themselves about and stumble for words.

Acknowledged. Speak. You know as well as I do that you have a few shortcomings when it comes to… She stalled. Please continue. I’m trying, but I can’t seem to… find the words. You have shortcomings when… talking. She finally managed to push that word out. This is true. Do you have a solution? I thrashed in my metaphorical cage, I knew where Zeta was going. I won’t go through the trouble of writing down their entire dialogue; my hand is starting to get super cramped. Essentially, Zeta tricked Delta into a long term cooperation with her. Her proposition was that since Delta was a bad speaker due to his overdependence on logic, something that he took a level of offense at, and that she was a bad speaker due to her difficulty with accessing knowledge, something that logic is essential for, they should cooperate to find some level of equilibrium. She said that this would make manipulating ponies easier, and it would help blend in. Delta agreed to this and so now the two ass holes are working with one another. And the worst part is I could do nothing to stop it.

I think I can sum up everything that happened until I got to the library in a nutshell. The dynamic dick bags started to talk to one another a lot more, and Delta began to support Zeta with more logic so she could speak more coherently. We were getting close to Ponyville with Delta and Zeta decided to jump out of the carriage and into the trees below in an attempt to flee from the ponies. I really don’t understand why they did that. The two guards weren’t having any of that shit though, so they hunted me down in the forest and dragged me by hoof to Twilight’s place.

The guards knocked on Twilight’s door. Twilight came to the door with a look of great annoyance and stress on her face.

“What!” She barked. She looked over the two guards and saw that they had me being pressed down into the dirt beneath their hooves. “…Great. Terrific! Fan-bucking-tastic! Just… Here, I’ll take him.” She levitated me into the air and pulled me inside. Closing the door, she floated me over to the inside of my room. She dropped me on my bed and shut the door. It was probably locked or something, I wasn’t paying attention. As I floated through the main room, I saw the five others, they all looked a little sick, and there was this giant boulder. From the boulder, I felt a sense of overwhelming love. Like this rock held the secrets of life and death, good and evil, and waffles. I have no clue what the fuck I’m talking about; I’m just being a smart ass.

This was torture listening to Zeta repeat her little mantra for what felt like two hours. One Two Two One One Two Two One One Two Two One One Two Two One... on and on and on with that sequence, saying one two two one over and over again. Delta didn’t seem bothered by it in the slightest though. He was probably blocking it out, that lucky bastard. Suddenly, sweet salvation as Zeta stopped her incessant repetition. Twilight entered the room, followed by her friends. The last one to enter was Pinkie.

"And that chocolate milk was sooo good, if only we had more of it. Aww well. Oh hiya Herb-" Pinkie let out a long and over-the-top gasp at seeing me. "Herbert! You are all grey, that meenie Discord got to you too”

“Um… Who is this?” Rarity asked.

“That’s Herbert Dashwood. According to Celestia, Discord did something to him in the labyrinth and I need to find a way to fix it. Spi- oh wait, that’s right. He’s sick. Alright, I’ll be right back with my note pad, I want to take notes on how he reacts to… whatever it is I’m going to do to him. Don’t let him go anywhere.” Twilight left the five with me. Pinkie started talking.

"His name is Herbert Daring Dashwood, but we call him Herbert."

"Herbert... Daring Dashwood? That is a darling name. It is my pleasure to meet you Mister Dashwood."

"Not now Rarity, he is in trouble. Look, he is grey like we were, he has to be sick. We need to help him, let’s tie him to a chair and put a rag over his mouth and pour buckets of water over his head!" They stared at Pinkie in confusion and mild disgust. "Er... I meant to say, we tie him down to a chair for Twilight and… not do that other stuff.” She corrected. They all moved to grab me, but Zeta burst out.

"Hey! All of you, please get your filthy limbs off of me, and I am not sick, I was perfectly fine before you put your insidious hooves all over me like that. Learn some manners!" What does insidious mean? I have no clue, I just wanted to use that word. A couple of them, namely Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie, let go of me at my outburst. But Rainbow and Applejack were unaffected.

“Don’t listen to him girls.” Rainbowdash said.

“Mhm. He’s just trying to mess with yall. Rare, bring over yonder chair, Fluttershy, get the rope from the inside of my hat.” I really am wondering why she had a rope inside her hat.

“Pinks, get back over here and hold his chest down.” She had an interesting method of holding me down. She walked over and sat right on top of my chest. It made breathing very difficult. “Uh… That works too I guess.” Rainbowdash said, awkwardly. After some time of discomfort, Twilight returned with a little notepad.

"Herbert, I am going to need to examine your mind to see if you might be under the influence of Discord."

"I assure you Twilight, there is nothing wrong with me. I think I would know if I was being screwed with.” And out came that sickening voice of Zeta. It sounded just like mine; I guess I just hated it because it was Zeta talking. Twilight picked me up with her magic and sat me down in the chair, while Rarity used the rope to tie me up. She put a little bow on the spot where I was tied up.

"This is dark magic, extremely illegal, and you aren't going to say a word about it. Now, please lay down, my friend Rainbow here will help you stay still, you know Rainbowdash right?" Help me lay down? You mean hold me down, don't you? I believe that was implied. Would you like me to ask her? Delta, for a logician, you are quite foolish. I sat down calmly, wanting this all to come to an end. I am going to be eradicated by the unicorn, aren't I? Delta said, sounding as uncaring and as accepting as ever. No… I have an idea. Twilight bent down towards me, and her horn began glowing. Suddenly, my neck lunged forward and I bit down hardly on her horn. She cried out in pain, and fell to the ground. I found myself standing up with rope holding my arms to my sides. Apparently that chair was meant to hold a pony, not a human. It broke apart by my strength. All the ponies jumped back in shock, and I found myself running toward the window. I suppose that their plan was to jump out the window.

It didn’t work. Rainbowdash leapt right across the room at me and held me to the ground. I suppose I’m not doing a good job of saying this so far, so I’ll be blunt about it right now. I was rooting for the ponies the entire time. I didn’t want Delta and Zeta to escape.

"Herbert, you better hope you are under Discord's influence, because if you aren't so help me..." Twilight said, gritting her teeth at the remaining phantom pain. I myself was a little surprised by what happened next. Zeta went totally ape-shit. She began biting Rainbowdash’s hair and trying to pull it off.

“Ow! Hey, cut it out!” She shouted.

“Fuck you!” Zeta shouted. She craned my neck up to Rainbow’s cheek and clenched her teeth.

“Agh!” Rainbowdash screamed in pain. Then Delta started to take control back from Zeta. This behavior is counterproductive. I am formulating a plan. I think I may need to make use of Alpha. My jaw released from Rainbowdash’s cheek, and I received a strong glare from the girl. Delta just looked at her passively. Then Delta used one of those scripted lines from that time when he had to pose as a normal person at my school.

“My most humble apologies for that, it was not my intention.” It sounded about as scripted as a kindergarten play. God… I feel like my writing quality is really dropping. I’m going to leave it to you to figure out if this is Herbert or the writer talking.

“Yeah right.” She muttered. Twilight walked over to us, her notepad held up beside her. For fear of her analyzing us individually, I recommend we all mimic one another. It is a flawed plan, but I don’t have time to think of a better one. Alpha, I will support you for the duration of this time. Then that familiar sense of structure was once again forced on me. I decided to exercise it. Ah… I cannot tell you how tiresome it is not to be able to talk… Though it’s more of a hindsight thing, you hate it more looking back than when you… I paused for a moment. I don’t know why I’m even talking to you two… Because you, being weak the way Manics are, have a dependency on conversation. This is why logicians are superior to both of you. Excuse me? Excuse me? Both Zeta and I shouted in unison. Twilight leaned her head down to my forehead, but we were all too busy focusing on arguing with one another to even notice that feeling of warmth in our head as she somehow connected her mind to ours.

I am simply stating the obvious. You Obolis rush into things without thinking, and almost all of you were overtaken easily. As for you Manics, you can’t even survive without others to interact with. We Logicians can function independently and are certainly the most successful. We possess the most- He was interrupted by Zeta and I. Oh please! I’ve seen a logician put under stress. You just freak out and shut down! You logicians can’t even comprehend the simple pleasures of life. You feel the breeze on your skin and don’t even grin. Uh… Excuse me? Who is that talking?! Ignore it, that’s just Twilight. Yeah, don’t try changing the subject Delta. Uh… Excuse me, who are all of you? But as I recall, Alpha survived for years without even thinking, let alone talking to others. Oh Twilight, I think you may just want to butt out of this. We’re busy talking to one another. She was silent for a little while. No, no! I need you all to please be quiet for a moment… Hold on.

“Rarity, please take a few notes for me.”

“Of course, dear, what would you like me to write?” She picked up the notepad and a pencil.

“Okay… Write this: There appears to be multiple entities inside the subjects mind. They appear to be at odds with one another, though two of them seem to be teaming up on the other.”

Well actually Twilight, I don’t usually side with Zeta. The only reason I’m doing that right now is because Delta said something totally dick baggy and needs some slaps in the face.

“Er… It appears they have some kind of social world. And it would also seem they all have individual identities.”Well no, actually they aren’t individuals. They’re just components of me that for some reason are separated from me… Please tell me you can fix that. Lies! He is a liar! He is… deceiving you. I am the real Herbert, this one is… false! Twilight sighed.

“Ugh… Please, all of you, just… let me observe.” As you wish. I said, hoping that she would have some kind of spell that would be able to merge us all together again so I could keep on living.

So the three of us just kept on arguing with one another, and then they turned on me. Something about how we would all be happier if one of them had control of the body because, in Delta’s view, we would be gathering more information about Equestria, and in Zetas view we would be satisfying our emotional desires. I just started ignoring them around them. Suddenly, Zeta shut up for once. She didn’t even say why she was being silent. It lasted for about seven minutes, and it had caught both Delta’s attention and my own.

Ow… That hurt like hell. Now where was I? Pardon me, Zeta, but why were you silent? It almost felt like a holiday. Smartass… No, the purple one was screwing with me for some reason. Actually, I think she’s doing it to Delta now. Delta? You there? Silence. Then suddenly, I felt like I was being ripped apart. It did, as Zeta said, hurt like hell. It lasted for a few moments, and then it ended.

“Alright, I think I know what to do here…” Twilight said. Warmth started to fill my head, hotter than when Twilight connected herself to me or whatever. Delta and Zeta started shouting their heads off, and then I got super fucking sleepy. I guess I passed out or something.

Prologue

Chapter 9

Chapter 9 - Spinning a new Yarn

I awoke in a daze, the mist slowly clearing from my head. Odd... I feel so fresh. Like a peeled lemon... Why did that come to my mind? I shrugged my confusion away and rolled out of my bed. I took some time to really look into the room around me. Such a simple room entirely made of wood, and... Wait, shouldn't this tree be dead? I mean, it is completely hollowed out, and yet there are leaves growing from its branches. I shrugged it off as some stupid Equestrian thing, kind of like the light coming from nowhere in this cave. Wow, I am almost out of things to write, I mean this only happened a few days ago. Anyway, I had no immediate recollection of the previous day's events, so I walked out of my room and checked the schedule left for me usually on the table with the horse head.

7:00 : Breakfast

I looked outside. Judging from the light outside, I assumed that it was probably around six. I head upstairs, and chilled at the breakfast table, listening to some Party Rock in my head. After a while, Twilight walked down the staircase and for some reason, I actually felt very happy to see her.

"Good morning Twilight, great to see you. Do you have anything planned for today?" her glazed over eyes looked at me like someone who hasn't had their coffee yet. She didn't say anything, just yawned a bit and walked over to the table. She plopped down and I, for some reason, couldn't help but crack up a bit. She raised an eyebrow at me.

"What?"

"You're laughing. Why?"

"Oh nothing, I just thought it was funny how you plopped down like a rag doll."

"Oh... so you woke up first for once. Is that normal?"

"For me? Nope. For people? Sometimes." She nodded, and just glazed off into the distance.

"You seem a bit different. I didn't kill the wrong Herberts did I?"

"Er… Kill? Like… They’re gone forever?” I felt a little bit sad. That didn’t make any sense to me though. I had absolutely hated them before Twilight had fucked with me, but now… Now I felt horrible for hating them… I still kind of do.

“Yeah, so you were a different case then my friends. Discord had altered their personalities while… it seems he had given you a bunch of new personalities. But not only that, he also changed your personality too.”

“That… how could he change my personality?”

“Magic can do lots of strange things to the brain, especially Discord’s magic. Nopony fully understands it.” There was a silence while I reflected on what she had told me.

"Today feels awfully calm, don't you think?" She interrupted my thinking.

"Yes, very calm. I like it." There was a strong lack of that usual irritability I usually have in the morning.

"Spike won't wake up for a while, want to go for a walk? I know you like talking with others while walking." Is she being considerate, or is she trying to analyze me? I wouldn't mind walking with her, either way.

"Yes, that would be lovely. When do you want to go?" She cocked her head to the left, and stared at me with an expression of… I think it was either surprise or confusion.

"...Is there something on my face?" I started touching my face looking for anything abnormal.

"No, it's nothing, let’s get walking. We will come back in half an hour and make breakfast for Spike and us." And here in this dark place I wonder still if this is all just another wave of mania that has washed over me. Is the ignorance that I am so prone to blocking my view of the world around me again? I would never have gotten out without Gamma, but Gamma is a part of me now, or so I think perhaps, so maybe this is it for me. It was the good nature of that wandering gentleman that saved me before, but now I sit here in my little mind all alone, always listening to the blissful sound of music. I suppose I will make a small section of thoughts like these in my journal after I finish writing about the events that preceded the here and now.

Twilight led the way downstairs, and I took the time to truly admire her hair, that odd pink strand running down her otherwise blackish hair. Is it black? Colors always look greenish through my right eye, and reddish through my left eye, so that may be a completely different color than I think. Her ass tattoo was a bunch of sparkles, I think its called a tramp stamp.

"So Twilight, you're a whore?" I blurted, like the fucking idiot I am.

"What?" She asked, completely bewildered and pissed.

"Oh, I meant your tattoo. Usually when a girl on earth gets a tattoo on her ass, it means she’s a slut. I shouldn't have been so blunt; I really wasn't thinking when I said that." Well, I killed the calm mood I had going for me.

"No, Herbert, I am not a whore. Please think before you ask something like that, please?"

"Yeah… Sorry.” What the fuck did I say that for? "Twilight, what is your relationship with Spike?" I had a reason for asking this. She appeared to be alike a mother to him, but that seemed unlikely.

"Spike? I hatched him from an egg when he was a baby. He has been my faithful assistant ever since."

"And how long has that been?"

I really don't remember what Twilight said, but I do know it made no sense: something about canonical something.

"Um... yeah. So how about your white friend." That was strange...

"White friend? The one with a purple mane? That is Rarity. She is one of my best friends. Would you like to go meet her?"

"Oh sure, I guess it couldn't hurt to get to know another one of your friends."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Sure, why not." And so changed course to what I would come to know as Boutique Le Chic. Oh dear, I haven't even mentioned that we were outside yet, have I? Well, we had just exited the library when I asked Twilight if she was a whore, and a couple of ponies turned my way in shock. I think a young unicorn pony tried repeating what I said, earning a shocked and angry expression from her cross eyed parent. Have I ever mentioned that Ponyville does not smell like a barn, though one would probably assume so, considering that it is inhabited by horses? They're pretty sanitary. Anyway, we came to a strange, rotunda shaped building, not sure how to describe it. It was white and frilly, with big glass windows. I guess it was pretty girly, I dunno.

"Twilight, what is Rarity like?"

"Well, she is very formal, very proper, and... probably not even awake yet. She takes a lot of time for ‘beauty sleep’. We should go back..." And so we wasted a whole seven minutes. When we got back, I guess it was 6:30. Have I mentioned how dorky and adorable Twilight's voice is? Well I will now, its got a... well I'll describe this in my terms, she sounds like a female Mandark from Dexter's lab, but less annoying and has a squirt effect when she ends a sentence with a R. Actually, she sounds kinda like Timmy Turner. Maybe I should tell her about some TV shows when I... who am I fucking over? I am so going to die in here.

"Twilight, I really don't speak to Spike much, do I?"

"Well, you don't often have an excuse to see him."

"Twilight, what does Spike eat?"

"Spike is an omnivore, he eats Plant, Animal, and Geod matter."

"Geod? Rocks? He eats rocks?"

"Well, he eats most gems."

"And you Twilight.." Fuck!

"Yes?" Shit, I didn't have a plan on what to say, I have no clue what to say.

"Er... how long have you lived here?"

"Didn't I tell you that before you... were burned?"

"I... Yeah, I guess you did. Nevermind." And that was the last venture at starting a conversation I made for the walk home. But thinking about it now, I really don't recall her ever telling me how long she lived there. I assumed she had because I have a tendency to forget a lot of things, so maybe if I don't die, this journal will help my memory.

"Herbert? "

"Yes, Twilight?"

“Why were you asking so many questions about Spike?”

“I guess I just wanted to converse.” She was silent for a little while.

"What will you do? When our year is up?" Our?

"Our? What do you mean by our?" I think she is becoming attached to me. That... that was my original goal wasn't it? Make her easier to... something. Odd, I seemed to have forgotten about that. I remember now, of course. It was my original intention to manipulate this one, to leech off of her until I had no use for her. As of now, in my journals, I had lost this desire, and really wasn't sure what I would do when the year was up.

"Oh, I um... I meant our time working together, of course. I know I offered to shelter you, but I also know you probably want a life of your own. What do you plan on doing?"

"Oh... Well I know I want to advance the pony's field of medical practices, particularly in psychology. I would really like to help ponies with psychological trouble, I know what it is like to suffer from that."

"What do you mean?"

"Huh?"

"You say you know what it is like to suffer from that, how so?"

"Well, I have had an abnormally troubling childhood compared to most of my peers, I have seen things at younger ages that children are usually shielded from... They say looking can't hurt, I say just thinking about the wrong thing can ruin your life."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that, but don't worry, you're in Equestria now, this is the most peaceful land in all of Earth."

"Excuse me!?" I wasn't sure whether to be appalled at how insensitive she just was, or to be shocked at the same planet name.

"Oh my gosh, Herbert, that was so rude of me. I didn't mean it like that." We were just entering the Library around now.

"No Twilight, I'm not mad about that. Well okay, yeah I am. What the hell is wrong with you? Also, I'm more shocked that your planet is named the same as my planet is. Earth."

"Hiya Twilight! Hello Herbert." Said the high pitched voice of Spike the Dragon! Terror of the West! Rargh! God I'm awful.

"Oh, good morning Spike, why are you up so early? You usually sleep till 11:00 A.M. unless I drag you out myself."

"Wait, it's not Eleven yet?" Well goodnight, everypony! It was great having you here but I think I hear my blanket calling me." He started to skip off as he finished that sentence, but Twilight would have none of it.

"Oh no you don't, mister! Since you’re up, you can help me make breakfast."

"Twilight, what day is it?"

"Wednesday."

"Oh. Thanks." Wednesday... So Discordy shit happened on Monday and Tuesday... Ya know, Twilight seems pretty fucking chill after that. Oh who cares, at least it's over.

"Spike, you go relax, I'll help Twilight with cooking." And so together, Twilight and I made some apple tarts and peas for breakfast, and I surprised her with a few daffodils which she took gratefully. I forgot where I picked them, but they were probably just around randomly and I thought she would like them. They're much rarer in this world than back at my former universe, I should keep that in mind. Maybe build a sanctuary for all kinds of different plants to survive in. It would help nurture my growing interest in Alchemy, and would give me something to do besides jack off. Oh, thats right, I almost forgot.

"Twilight, you never answered my question."

"Oh? And whats that?"

"Do you have anything planned for today?"

"Oh that. Well, my schedule got lost in the whole Discord fiasco, so I need to rewrite it. Don't worry, I read it in my spare time, so I doubt there will be any problems." Who else but Twilight, am I right?

"So, what do you think I should be doing today?"

"Well, you usually do a lot of exercises at around nine in the morning, and there is a lake near the edge of town, maybe you could do your exercises there, hang around and swim, do whatever. Rainbowdash hangs around there a lot; maybe you will bump into her."

"So I can just hang around there whenever I want?"

"If you don't want to go, you can stay here with me."

"Oh no, I don't want to bother you-"

"Its no trouble at all, really."

"-and I could use some more cardio exercises, so maybe swimming would do me some good."

"Oh, alright then. Have fun!" And so I left Twilight to her shit and went to go swim. I went back because I had no clue how to find the pool, need to ask more questions from now on, and then went to the small lake. It was a nice small pond with a tree off to the side, it was surrounded with sand and wasn't too far away from the Everfree. There was a tire swing hanging from the tree, and a unfolding chair with an umbrella next to it stuck in the sand. Nopony Nobody was around so I just did some stretches by the lake on the sand and did all the shit I did back in ROTC. We got to choose our exercises every day, and I always voted for crunches because I needed to work on my flabby ass core, but this time I just did planks and pushups on the sand. After a while I jumped into the lake and enjoyed the cool water. I washed myself up onto the sand and I thought of how similar this was to where I dwelled back in the Quantum-Sphere. Every personality had what was called a Matrix, an area completely in our control, though most of us didn't know we had any control. My lake was much bigger though, and it had a nice cave next to it where I would go when it rained to much or it was too hot outside. Gamma came to visit me after Epsilon burned all my trees down with his fiery stones, but I don't remember much about that time. I suppose I shouldn't write about those things, just thinking about it could put me at risk for a relapse. Two personalities have somehow been released, I really don't want more.

It turns out I had dozed off, because when I opened my eyes, the sun was setting and I was all pruny.

"Eewww, I hate when this happens." I rubbed my hands together, observing how strange they were, all spongy and junk. Anyway, I went back to Twilight's pad and chilled in my bed, slowly drying off in my blanket. Spike came in, but only to get that Obscure Unicorn History book. He left, and that reminded me that I needed a weapon. Odd, seeing a dragon reminds me I need a weapon... I then walked up to Twilight's room and knocked.

"Twilight, may I speak to you about something?"

"Sure, I'll be right out." She took a few moments, then poked out her door.

"Yes?"

"I need a weapon. Something to hunt with. My hands can't really kill anything here, so I need something to get food with." I should have thought about that before saying it... Twilight's prisoner just asked her for a weapon, I can only imagine how suspicious that sounds.

"And Fluttershy said you need one?"

"Yeah. she did."

"Well... I'll talk to her about it tomorrow, and we will see what we can do for you. Anything else?"

"No Twilight, you have a good sleep."

"You too Herbert, goodnight." And that was the end of my day. One Two Two One.