Too Late

Dear Applejack,

I guess if you’re reading this then you know that… well I’m dead. I can only pray you don’t hate me enough to not come to my own funeral, but I’ll understand if you do. After everything I’ve done to you, maybe I don’t really deserve your forgiveness, or that of the girls.

I screwed up my life worse than I can ever imagine it to be. I had everything and I wasted it all. And for what? Just a few times to get fucked in the bed? I always dreamed that on my tombstone it would say, “Rainbow Dash The Wonderbolt and Hero of Equestria”… but instead all it should say is “Rainbow Dash the Fucking Whore.”

A fucking whore.

That’s all I’ll be remembered for and I know it. Not for being the Element of Loyalty, because I betrayed you, the girls, and everypony by being selfish and stupid.  Not a Wonderbolt, because I got expelled for sleeping with fellow cadets. And not for being the most faithful and devoted wife that I should have been.

Applejack, I know I’ve said it before, even after our reunion five years ago, but I do love you. I still do. I just was too blind and selfish not to see how much you were to me. I missed the days we use to watch the sunset on the hills. The kisses we had in bed. The look of your emerald eyes when you said how much you loved me straight to my face. I had the best thing in the world, you, and I blew it because I felt like you were slowing me down.

But you weren’t slowing me down. You were dragging me into a world where I was safe, loved, and cared for. And when I hurt you, I broke that world into tiny pieces, shattering your heart. I deserved that punch Rarity gave me. I deserved Fluttershy telling me that I was “disgusting”. I deserved being a pariah in Ponyville ‘till I gave in and flew away.

It took me too long to realize what a fuck up I made of myself. Looking into the mirror and hating the cum covered bitch that I was. Nopony was there to help me. Not my parents, not you, not the girls, even Scootaloo no longer wanted to be my sister.

I was alone. Alone and afraid.

Going back to you on that day, I tried, desperately, to win you back because I thought that if I could get your forgiveness, maybe even your love again, then everything would go back to normal. But I was too late. Far too late. Pinkie had won you over, and she was a better wife to you than I ever was. I hated her, I hated you, but most of all I hated myself.

When you said if I had any love for you, I should go away and never come back. I wanted to keep fighting, but just seeing you, crying and turning your back against me realized it was futile. I had lost you for good and I’ve never been over it. It was the last straw for me. I just left Ponyville without a word, hopping from one town to the next doing part time weather jobs and fucking whoever I could.

It was a life that I never would have pictured for myself years ago when I was writing what I wanted to be when I grew up. I almost thought of ending my life a few times, but I couldn’t even do that that right. I always thought about you, the girls, home, and what life must have been like for you all. Every day I wished I could have taken it all back, I’d sacrifice anything, even my own two wings for another shot.

But then I remembered your words over and over again: “If you love me, don’t come back.”

So I did that.

I kept as far away as possible. If that was the only way to show how much I loved you still, then I was willing to suffer that. But apparently, life wanted me to suffer more.

I don’t know if you know how I died, maybe whoever reported it told you or something. It seems like irony that I contracted HIV from one of my many lovers, but I guess that’s poetic justice for you. When they told me I had only a few years left to live, I was devastated. I was going to die. No ifs, ands, or buts. I was going to die.

At first, I thought about just taking my life again. But then I realized that it wasn’t the way I wanted to go. This wasn’t the way I wanted to go. I wanted to go out as Rainbow Dash the achiever, not the screw up.   I told myself if this was going to be my final years, I wanted them to be the best years I could ever have.

I wanted to perform for crowds again, to hear the shouts and cheers of the audience as they watched my awesome moves. I wanted to feel the rush and adrenaline of flight once more. I knew I couldn’t do it as Rainbow Dash, my reputation was ruined. So I had to be somepony else.

I made a new costume, one based on the colors of all the Elements we once had as well as that Mare-Do-Well costume Rarity made. I became the Shining Skyrider. Yes, the Shining Skyrider. I can only imagine the look on your face right now if you didn’t already know it was me the whole time. With my new persona, I got my life back up again. I became what I should have become, the loyal hero that everypony respected and cheered for. I performed at simple birthday’s at first, then at carnivals, towns, cities, freakin’ Los Pegasus, and even that one time with the Wonderbolts.

That was… that was second greatest day of my life. The first was marrying you.

I’m amazed I managed to keep my identity such a secret in that amount of time, although with my death now it’s sure to come out. I wonder what ponies will think of me when the disgraced Element of Loyalty turned out to be the “Greatest Upcoming Performer in Equestria”.

Time went on, but while my fame grew, my health didn’t. It was getting harder and harder to fake my illness as my disease got worse. Then I decided to do one last performance before I hung up the costume for good, and let myself spend the remaining days of my life living in peace before I kicked the bucket.

You know that performance very well. It was for your daughter.

I recognized the address on a card she gave me when I was planning where to do my final act. I only learned after I got to Ponyville that she was yours and Pinkie’s from some magical spell or what not that Twilight gave you. I thought I was gonna be angry at you and Pinkie; because this was another thing that I had lost because of my betrayal to you. But then I saw your daughter, Apple Peach, and I saw the same smile and joyful face that you always showed me when we were in love.

I saw you and Pinkie and Spike and the girls how happy you were. Like everything horrible that I had done to you was wiped away thanks to all the love and friendship that I failed to give you. And just like that all the anger I had was gone. I felt relieved that you were happy again. That everything worked out for you. Did I still regret hurting you? Never loving you? Of course, I always will. But I was happy to see that you were happy and I realized then that that’s what real love was all about.

I made sure to give your daughter the best birthday performance I could give. I was more than tempted to give you all the Sonic Rainboom, but I didn’t want to open old wounds on your daughter’s birthday. I didn’t know what you all thought of me still, and I was afraid to know, so as soon as I was done, I was ready to leave.

But then… we had that talk. You came over to me and said that I was the second best flier you had ever seen. I asked who was the first. You said me.

Me.

The one who tore your heart out.

I asked, while doing my best to stay calm, where “Rainbow Dash” was now. You just looked at the sunset with a heartfelt look in your eye and whispered, “Somewhere safe I hope.”

I couldn’t believe it. You still cared about me. A part of me wanted to just rip of my mask and kiss you right there. Hearing you say that made me feel more alive than I had in a long time.

There isn’t much else to this story now. I’m in a hospice now, as I write this letter along with my will. It’s my hope that you’ll read this and forgive me for everything I did to you, Applejack. And to the girls, if you’re there, I’m sorry I hurt you too. You’re the best friends I ever had and I’m sorry I broke our friendship with my selfish actions. Scootaloo, if you’re there as well, congratulations on making it to the Wonderbolts, kid. I knew you could do it.

Pinkie Pie, make Applejack happy and love her every day for the rest of your life. Do what I failed to do. Promise me you will.

And Apple Peach, I don’t know if things were different then I could have been your mother (or father, I don’t know how this works really), but for the brief time I knew you on that single day I knew you were something special. Take care kid, love your mother.

Again, Applejack, I’m sorry for everything. I can only hope that, where I am going, we’ll meet again so I can apologize in person.

With love,

Rainbow Dash

Applejack lowered the letter that she had read out loud to everypony away from her crying eyes and looked around the church they had all gather in. All her friends, including her beloved wife were all holding each other, tears streaming down their faces in unison. In the distance, behind all the mass ponies from Ponyville to Cloudsdale whose heads were down in silence, a young mare with a purple mane in a Wonderbolts uniform was leaving the church in a hurry, her sister and their other friend following her.

Even the Princesses, front and center, looked ready to cry.

She turned to her daughter, the joy of her life, who held her Shining Skyrider doll in her tiny hooves as she buried her face in it, trying to be strong. Applejack looked at the letter once more, and then turned to the half open coffin behind her, surrounded by every flowered color of the rainbow. Inside, she saw the body of her once best friend and ex-wife. She wore the old Gala dress Rarity had made for them years ago, a time when things were better and simpler. A dress she adored seeing on Rainbow Dash back when her heart was still pinned on the daredevil. The pegasus lay on a casket full of lilies, making her look divine as an angel in eternal sleep. She saw the peaceful smile on her lips, but wished she could see the magenta eyes and always held such life in them.

She had been through so much because of this mare. Both good and bad. But now, standing before her empty husk of a body, Applejack could only cry as she leaned forward and kissed Rainbow on the forehead.

“Ah forgive y‘all, Rainbow Dash.”