Equestria, Buck Yea!

by Commander Jenna Cipher

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 1462

Twilight and a random humanoid go on a ridiculous journey to prove Equestrian superiority.

Twilight Sparkle, or as she secretly calls herself, Almighty Lady Goddess Twilight, has always felt that she was a supreme being, wanting to put all other creatures below her, wanting to enslave every living thing except herself and use them for her physical labor, entertainment, and sexual satisfaction for all eternity. Her transformation into an ACTUAL goddess of magic didn't help that mental illness at all.

In fact, it only made worse, that is, until a random unknown humanoid creature crashes in front of her tree in a red box who claims he is 'The Professor' After a talk and some possible brainwashing, they go on a crusade to prove to the whole of creation that Equestrians are the superior beings.

Equine Nazi's and hilarity ensue, and in the end, everyone will be saying one thing: "Mein Fuhrer, Goddess Twilight."

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-21 22:00:02 UTC

Twilight wishes to dash these rumors, Twilight does not like slavery... Twilight, LOVE'S, slavery.

Almighty Lady Goddess Twilight Sparkle sat on her imaginary throne, in her on little imaginary world, because at the moment she was too fucking bored to go out and conquer the real one.

Her current fantasy was that she was brutally raping her puny inferior species assistant, Fax Machine. Or as the lesser beings called him, Spike. The hallucinations screams sounded like sweet music to the ears of the deranged ego-maniac alicorn, which only made her begin to torture the poor figment of her imagination harder.

And then she heard it, a sound like a rush of wind being put through a mechanical cheese grater, it was wonderful. If she possessed a heart, it would have grown three sizes that day. However, the black hole that rested in the center of her chest merely shrugged it off as one of the lesser beings trying to anger her, and decided very promptly that they had to die for their treason against they're goddess.

As she exited her imaginary world, ruefully returning the real one, she got down from her bed on which she had been masturbating before hallucinating that she was raping Spike, flipped the bedside table over and smashed the floorboards revealing two sleek, long and sharp katanas.. She gripped the swords in her magic, swinging a few times and slicing up a lamp the Pink Abomination had given her for Hearth's Warming Eve, before deciding the swords would do and making the journey to the lawn to murder the lesser being who had woken her from her hallucination.

When she reached the lawn she was met with a sight that could only be described as bat-shit crazy. Standing there on here lawn was a tall red box, with four raised up platforms on top, the highest of which held a small lamp. Just below the raised up platforms on all sides were glowing strips which read TELEGRAPH in bold black print. The side facing the library, which she assumed was the front, was open with the doors swung inward, revealing a large control room beyond Twilight's ability to comprehend. And weirder still, lying in front of the box on the grass was what appeared to be an ape, hairless with fair skin except for a small blonde patch on it's head. It was wearing strange red leather coverings on it's hands, a red, white, and blue striped jacket under which could be seen an orange shirt of some sort, what appeared to be some kind of silk pants, and combat boots.

As she prepared to send her swords through it's neck the creature snapped awake, scrambling to it's hind legs and putting a hand to it's wrist before yelling in plain Equestrian, with a voice that identified it to be male "DAMN IT! Why can't my pulse be normal just once!" The creature let out an irritated growl and frowned for a bit.

Twilight, unable to move out of shock, just stood there as the creature walk back into the box only to come out with what appeared to be a hand held mirror. It seemed to examining itself, as if it didn't know what it looked like. The creature stood there babbling on "Hair, dammit, blonde! I wanted to be brunette. Still a boy, guessed that from my voice, thank god for that. Can't tell you how awkward it would have been to wake up as a girl after regenerating, I'm quite happy with my current genitals thank you very much, they've worked for 4 bodies and 6,000 years I don't think I'll swap them in for a vagina just yet. Now, eyes, ugh, blue. I hate blue, why not brown, my second life looked awesome with brown eyes. Bloody hell, that nose is awfu-"

"ENOUGH!" Twilight stomped loudly and exclaimed with her royal canterlot voice "YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC BOX HAVE DISTURBED ME FROM MY MASTURBATION WITH THAT HORRIBLE NOISE, NOW YOU MUST DIE. ANY LAST WORDS, LESSER FILTH?"

The creature stared for a moment, seemingly too stunned to reply before nodding and answering "Yes actually, just died once I'd prefer not to do it again."

"IS THAT ALL, FILTHY CREATURE?"

"No, actually" the creature stood up tall and straight, causing it's clothing the stretch a bit indicating it was a few sizes too small, a light shone in his eyes as if you could look into them and see all the horrible, bloody outcomes that would befall you should you cross him. He spoke with much more dignity and authority than he had previously, as if he had been ordering people around his whole life "I don't plan on dying now. You see, if we got in a fight, I can tell you right now who would win."

Twilight scoffed, almost wanting to laugh at the creatures arrogance "You have no weapons. You would beat me unarmed?"

"I would beat you with my hands tied behind my back. But, since that would challenging, I just think I'll use this" the creature pulled out a small cylindrical device made of what appeared to be silver as he said this, he pressed a glowing circle on the end causing the device to emit a whirring noise, putting Twilight into a trance. The rest of the world completely drowned out from her senses....

THIS LINE BREAK IS POINTLESS -

Twilight had no idea how long it had been, all she knew was that the creature was to die. How dare the filthy ape-like monster attack a goddess! Yes, this... thing needed to learn it's place, and she would be it's teacher.

"Actually, I'm the one who's going to be doing the teaching. Miss Sparkle."

Twilight's eyes snapped open and she let out a fierce growl, she was on the floor in her library, the creature was standing in front of her, now clothed in an red pinstripe suit, blue bow tie, white gloves, and dress shoes. She attempted the lunge at the creature's neck, aiming to stab her horn into it's spine and kill it instantly, only to find she was held firmly in place by a mysterious force. The creature smirked before replying "Temporal prison. The TARDIS is projecting it from outside, can't have you moving until I know why you want me dead. So start talking. I could only get so much from the mind probe I performed."

Twilight growled, attempting to remain silent but finding that something was forcing her to talk anyway "You are a lesser being, you and all other filth must die or be enslaved! Only I can have freedom. I am a goddess!"

"So that's what you believe, eh? You remind me of a Dalek, I respect you kid. But your going about it wrong."

"What do you mean" Twilight's curiosity got the best of her here, she needed to be perfect, if she was doing something wrong, then it must be eliminated before it became fatal.

The creature nodded, a smug grin on it's face, before replying "Yep. You need don't need to prove that  only YOU are superior, prove the your species is superior and everyone will worship you anyway! What the hell are you again?"

Twilight answered thoughtfully "A goddess among Equestrians!"

The creature nodded thoughtfully before replying "Well then, you believe yourself to be superior, I AM superior. But even superior beings need... Advice, once in a while. What do you say I give you some lessons hmm? A class on how to achieve world domination, and maybe some stuff on torturing slaves, I get the feeling you like slavery. Do we have a deal?"

Twilight raised a non existent eyebrow asking "What would you be getting out of this? What could this possibly gain you?"

The creature chuckled darkly and answered "Entertainment of course! Haven't taken over any worlds since my third life, and I swear you will be very pleased with the results of this. Besides, the word of a Time Lord is law. So, what do you say?"

As she felt movement returning to her body, Twilight raised a hoof to the creatures out stretched hand, shaking it firmly and saying "I believe we do. But one warning, if you go back on this, you will experience hell for it! Are we understood?"

The creature grinned "I believe we are, Twilight Sparkle. I am the Professor, rouge Time Lord, hero, villain, whichever I feel like. I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, however the fuck I want. And I'm in the mood to be evil today, so I'm going to teach you how Equestrians can take over the world, and prove your superiority once, and for all."