Pinkie's Free Candy Van

by Arwhale

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie
Length: 6436

Pinkie Pie devises a new way to spread good cheer to ponies from all over Equestria. It doesn't turn out the way she hoped.

Pinkie Pie devises a new plan to drum up money for Sugarcube Corner and spread cheer to all of the ponies of Equestria.

It doesn't exactly turn out the way she hoped.

Pre-read by the amazing LadyCobraa.
Cover done by BlackStealth08.
Dramatic Youtube Reading by EnderBlaze.

Featured on 2/3/2014. Whoa. That's pretty tight.
Also 100% Approved by Twilight's Library!

Published 2014-02-03 05:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-03 05:20:01 UTC

My Little Internal Combustion Engine

Pinkie's Free Candy Van

by Arwhale

Twilight ran her hoof up and down her chin, stroking an invisible goatee.

“So… what did you say this thing was, exactly?”

Pinkie Pie cocked her head. She patted the unusual contraption behind her with affection.

“I told you three times already, silly!” She giggled. “The ‘Candy Van’!”

“The candy what, now?” Rainbow Dash’s brow wrinkled with confusion. “I’ve never heard of a van, before…”

This only made Pinkie giggle more. “Well, duh! That’s because I invented it!”

At hearing the word “invented,” Twilight’s science senses began to tingle. Her eyes widened with newfound interest.

“Whoa, hold on there a second, Pinkie.” She held up a hoof. “You said that you invented this? As in, you made it all by yourself?”

Pinkie nodded. She gave Twilight a toothy grin. “Sure did! Made it just last night! The Cakes have a pretty big basement to do stuff, and I accidentally overdosed a little on my new medication yesterday... what’s it called, again? Add—adder…” She looked down at the ground, tapping her chin in thought. “Add—”

“Adderall?” Twilight suggested helpfully. Pinkie’s face brightened.

“Adderall! Yeah, that was it. Anywho…” She hopped up and down with excitement. “I couldn’t sleep last night ‘cause my mind was all ‘woohoo’ after I took too much add… addawhatever, and so I went down to the library to get some books to read, and I…”

Twilight gave her head a rough shake as if she were coming out of a trance. “Whoa, hold on a sec! What do you mean, you went to the library to… wasn’t this in the middle of the night? You know, when the Library is closed?”

There was a clear trace of anger in her voice. Pinkie Pie, however, seemed unperturbed.

“Well, yeah. I had to get books from somewhere, and since I have a spare key to your house, I thought it would be the best place to start,” she concluded in a very matter-of fact tone.

Indignant, Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but after a few moments of slack-jawed silence, she slowly let it fall back shut. Sighing, she hung her head in resignation and defeat. Pinkie continued.

“So, what was I talkin’ about, again? Something about… oh yeah! Nevermind!” She giggled. “So I went over to the library and looked over some of the books in the Science section, and I picked up a few on advanced thermophysics and mechanical engineering and brought them back to Sugarcube Corner to read…"

“Um… why’d you do that?” Fluttershy piped up from beside Rainbow Dash, but shrank back when she realized that she’d interrupted. She gave nervous glances at Applejack and Rarity, who were on either side of her. “Get books on science-y things, I mean…”

Fortunately for her, Pinkie Pie did not seem offended by the interruption. She answered with a smile.

“Because I thought that reading about science would be really boring and help me fall asleep,” she replied. Twilight raised an eyebrow. “But here’s the thing… I was totally wrong! All of the stuff about heat and mechanical whazzahoosits and torque and stuff… it was all so interesting that I just couldn’t stop reading!”

Twilight raised her other eyebrow. So did everyone else. Pinkie’s enthusiasm did not fade as she continued to talk.

“And I just kept reading and reading and reading until I lost track of the time, and then, when I got to the whole thing about combustion, it hit me…” She hopped up and down with excitement. “…I should totally make an internal combustion engine!”

Her friends, on the other hoof, only looked confused. All, that is, except for Twilight, whose expression had gone from unamused to pleasantly surprised to shocked, all in the span of an instant.

“Wait… h-hold on, what in the…” Twilight held her spinning head with a small groan. “You said you decided to build a… an internal combustion engine? You, Pinkie Pie.” Her last question sounded more like a statement. Pinkie nodded.

“Decided? Oh, no no! I didn’t just decide to, silly! I made it!”

This only made Twilight’s dizziness worse. She stumbled off to the side, barely keeping her balance enough to stand. “You, of all ponies, m-made… how…”

But before she could collapse entirely, Rarity scurried over to Twilight and supported her with her own back. Her eyes widened with concern.

“Good heavens, Twilight, are you alright?” she asked. With her friend holding her up, Twilight regained her balance, and the dizziness subsided. She nodded weakly.

“Oh, yeah… I’m fine.” She waved Rarity off. “Don’t worry about me. No big deal; Pinkie just made something that doesn’t exist yet and that no scientist in all of Equestria has been able to make for the last one hundred years.” She blinked slowly. “In one night.”

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “It wasn’t that hard. Those books you got were a great reference, Twi.”

Twilight gave her a blank stare; the shock hadn’t fully subsided, yet. Pinkie went on with her story.

“Aaanywho, so I went down to the basement in Sugarcube Corner and got together a bunch of stuff that was lying around, and before I knew it… presto!” She spread her forelegs wide. “I had myself an engine!”

At the conclusion of her sentence, Pinkie Pie regarded all of her friends with an eager smile, pearly whites on full display. Twilight started getting dizzy again, forcing Rarity to stay next to her.

“But that’s not even the best part!” Pinkie exclaimed, prancing in place. “Just wait till you hear what’s next!”

Her friends watched as she swept her gaze of them from left to right, a cheeky grin stuck onto her face like wet plaster. It was only after they were all practically squirming with awkwardness that she at last broke the silence.

“Well? Isn’t anypony gonna ask me what happened next?” She craned her head forward. “Huh? Anypony?”

“Oh, um… What happened next, Pinkie?” Fluttershy asked meekly. Her ears flattened back on her head. Pinkie Pie jabbed her hoof in Fluttershy’s direction.

“I’m glad you asked!” She gestured toward the ground with both hooves, as if beholding an invisible object between them. “So there I was in the basement, with a big ol’ internal combustion engine sitting in the middle of the floor, and I thought, ‘Well, what’s the point of having a fully-functional internal combustion engine if I don’t even have anything to make it go vroom vroom!’” She waved her forelegs akimbo. “I mean, am I right, or am I right?”

They only answered her with more blank stares. Pinkie Pie titled her head.

“Uh, okaaay… so, as I was saying, I kept on thinking about what I could do. I had no idea what I was supposed to use the thing for, and I was starting to feel like maybe I should just throw the whole thing away in the dump…”

Twilight slapped a hoof over her chest, looking like she was about to suffer a heart attack. Luckily, Pinkie was not finished.

“…But then, all of sudden: poof!” She leapt high into the air, performing a backflip and landing effortlessly back on the road. “I came up with this super-stupenderific idea! Me and Mr. and Mrs. Cake have been trying to branch out from baked goods and work on some super great, brand-spanking new candy recipes lately. The thing is, though, that we haven’t been selling that many,” she said, frowning. “So while I was down in that basement with the engine, I suddenly had this really good idea. What if…”

She paused, holding an imaginary picture frame in her fore hooves as though she were showing her friends a work of art. “… What if I made something that could go vroom vroom all over Ponyville and hand out free samples of candy to everypony so that they’d want to go to Sugarcube Corner and buy more! And then I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, that’s such a great idea!’ So I took a bunch more stuff that was lying around the basement…”

Applejack’s jaw fell open, and she quickly cut Pinkie off before she could keep going. “Wait a minute there, Sugarcube… so yer sayin’ that, from stuff you found in the Cake’s basement, you were able to make… that?” She pointed behind Pinkie Pie. “That big thing, right there?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yessiree! Where do you think I got all the lettuce to make my Harvest Day Parade float last year?”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “Uhh…. Ah dunno, maybe like a market or something..?”

The suggestion made Pinkie chuckle. “Oh, don’t be silly, Applejack. There aren’t any markets around that have that much lettuce.”

If Applejack had been confused before, then she was completely speechless now. Pinkie skipped forward so that she was right in front of her bewildered friends, and turned around.

“I took all the other stuff I found and welded it together until I had a nice place to put the engine, and then…” She spread her forelegs wide, shouting proudly to the heavens to behold her creation. “Voila! The Candy Van!”

What was sitting on the road before them was not quite like anything they’d ever seen: what looked to be a big, rectangular metal box, painted a shade of brownish red and set atop four big black wheels that did not look like they belonged on any wagon or carriage. Two glass windows were set into it at either side of the front, and overall, the thing looked to be about three pony-lengths long and about one wide, smaller than even the smallest train cars.

But what stood out the most, more than anything else, were the words scrawled onto the side with white paint, in all capital letters: “FREE CANDY.” And below it, just in front of the back wheel, a crude pink smiley face. Rarity looked the whole thing over with a critical eye.

“Pinkie, dear… Don’t you think that maybe you should make it look a little… better?” she suggested, motioning to the van by drawing a little circle in the air. “Just a little bit more inviting, or… or rather, a little less… scary?”

Everypony else around Rarity grimaced, giving tiny, almost imperceptible nods of agreement. But Pinkie, caught up in the splendor of the moment, was oblivious to it all.

“Uh, what? Scary? What do you mean, scary?” She laughed in bewilderment. “It says “FREE CANDY” on the side and has a happy face. What else do I need?”

Rarity was about to say something when Rainbow Dash spoke first. “What about that thing your parents told you since you were a filly? You know, about not talking to strangers?”

But Pinkie only giggled again. “Stranger? I know everypony in Ponyville, silly! I’m not a stranger!”

“Well, yeah, but… b-but, you, and the… the thing, you…” Rainbow Dash stammered, trying and failing to form words. Pinkie’s impeccable logic was sinking in… and that was perhaps the most worrying thing of all.

Pinkie pranced around to the front of the Candy Van. “I’m gonna go load up with candy and take this baby out on the road to see if I get any takers! See you guys later!”

She flipped open the door at the front of the strange metal carriage and hopped inside. Twilight had taken enough time to recover from the initial shock while the others were too stunned to speak, and called out to Pinkie before she closed the door.

“Wait, Pinkie! How do you know if this thing is even gonna work?” she asked with urgency. Pinkie’s response, however, was almost condescending. She threw her head back with a hearty laugh, as though the answer was just so incredibly obvious.

“Oh, Twilight! Of course I know it works, silly head! I drove it here!”

Pinkie Pie slammed the door shut with a dull, metallic whump and grabbed what appeared to be a steering wheel on the inside. Her friends watched with slack-jawed silence, brains unsure of how to process what they’d just seen and heard until they all jumped at the loud, grumbling roar of the engine starting up, which was coupled with a loud cacophony of rattling and a billowing cloud of black and gray smoke which came out from the back end of the van.

And with a quick rev of the engine and the little beep of a horn, Pinkie’s self-made Candy Van zoomed down the road. Everypony’s heads all rotated in the direction of the disappearing vehicle, watching it vanish down the road and head for town. The cloud of nasty black smoke it had left behind lingered in their midst like the remnants of a bad dream until it at last faded away. None of them said a word.

Until, at last, a raspy voice broke the silence.

“Wow.” Rainbow Dash gave a low whistle. “That Adderall’s some pretty crazy stuff.”

It had been mid-morning when Pinkie had decided to show them all her latest creation. Now, the sun was at its midway point in the sky, edging ever so slightly toward the western horizon.

Twilight looked up from the book on her desk to glance up at the clock; quarter past one. She sighed.

“I wonder how Pinkie’s whole ‘Candy Van’ thing is going,” she said to herself. She leaned over in her chair to take a peek out the window. “I still can’t believe she managed to make an entire inter—what in the…”

Across the street, Twilight could plainly see a growing line of ponies, which appeared to be stretching from all the way around the street corner many meters down the road… right in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. She blinked, and then rubbed her eyes as if expecting the sight to be wiped away. But sure enough, the line was still there. She shook her head slowly.

“No… no way. That can’t be,” she whispered in disbelief. “Did she actually…”

The door to the library opened from the floor below. A young, male voice which she knew quite well carried up the stairs.

“Hey, Twi! You’ll never believe what just happened!” The enthusiasm in her assistant’s voice was clear. Twilight scooted back in her chair and got down to her hooves, trotting over to the stairs.

“What, Spike?” she answered back, hooves clopping noisily down the wooden steps. “Does it have to do with that big line of ponies across the str—”

She froze at the bottom of the stairs. In Spike’s chubby little arms, towering above his head, was the biggest stack of candy she’d seen since the last Nightmare Night Festival. The baby dragon bared his teeth in a wide, toothy grin.

“Look at all this candy I got from Pinkie and the Cakes!” he exclaimed, dropping the obscene stash of sweets into a giant pile on the floor. “Pinkie Pie was riding around in this weird carriage thing giving out free candy samples to everypony from Sugarcube Corner, and it was all so good that I had to go and buy some more. And look!” He jabbed his clawed hand into the pile and yanked out what looked like a deformed purple lollipop at the end of a long, wooden stick. “They even had rock candy, just for me! Isn’t that cool?”

Twilight was momentarily mesmerized by the gigantic haul Spike had brought into her library, but his waving the candy in front of her face like a tiny little flag got her attention. She took a quick look, first at Spike’s beaming face, and then at the translucent blue crystals in his hand. She rolled her eyes, but still couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“Uhh, Spike? You do know that rock candy is just sugar, right?” she said. “It’s not actual rocks…”

Spike’s scaly brow wrinkled downward, forming a shallow V in the space between his eyes. He took a closer look at the candy, rotating it as if he were inspecting the quality of an actual gemstone. “Really?” He shoved the stick in his mouth and bit down with his powerful molars. An audible crunch echoed all around the room; the candy was hard, but to a gem-eating dragon like Spike, the crystalized sugar was as easy to chew as corn flakes. His face registered mild disappointment, ear flaps folding down on top of his head.

“Oh.” He bit down on the candy again, less eagerly this time. “Oh well. It’s still good, I guess...”

“So, Spike,” Twilight interrupted, “Is that what all of those ponies are out there for? Are they all waiting in line to buy more candy from Sugarcube C—”

“Twiiiiilight!!”

The familiar, high pitched scream of delight curdled the blood. The library door slammed open, and a pink blur flashed inside like a streak of light. Before Twilight knew it, a powerful set of hooves were lifting her bodily up from the floor, squeezing so tightly that it made it hard to breathe.

“Twilight! Ohmigosh, Twilight! Do you see all of those ponies lined up out there? Do ya?” Pinkie tossed her from side to side. “Do ya do ya do ya do ya…”

“P-Pinkie!” Twilight croaked, sucking in as much air from her constricted lungs as she could. “Let… me go…”

“Oh!” Pinkie said, immediately dropping Twilight onto the floor with a hard thud. She shrank back, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry! I just got a little excited, heeheehee…”

“Ugh,” Twilight groaned. She gave her head a rough shake and staggered back to her hooves, but not before shooting Pinkie a death glare. “Gosh, Pinkie… and yeah, I saw it…” She rubbed her aching shoulder.

With this statement, Pinkie was back to her usual self all over again. She hopped up and down like a jackhammer, rattling off words at the top of her lungs.

“Oh, I know! Isn’t it just so wondertastically amazaaazing?” The volume of her voice almost hurt Twilight’s ears. “At first, it was weird, because nopony wanted to even come near the Candy Van when I was driving it down the street…”

Twilight rolled her eyes. She muttered under her breath, “Yeah… wonder why…”

Fortunately for her, Pinkie Pie hadn’t heard her. “But once I stuck my head out the window and shouted out, ‘Free Candy Samples,’ everypony just came running!” Her white teeth seemed to radiate their own light as she smiled. “And before I knew it, everypony in Ponyville was lining right up out the door! Oh, it’s just so great isn’t it?”

Twilight was still nursing her shoulder, but she had been listening. All she had to do was look at the immense stash of candy in front of her, with Spike draped over the top of it like a dragon atop his lifelong hoard of treasure, for her to see just how successful Pinkie’s crackpot plan had been. She had to admit; she’d been completely wrong about the whole thing. Completely wrong.

“Well…” She pursed her lips, nodding slowly. “…I gotta say, Pinkie; you’ve really outdone yourself this time.” Her posterior plopped onto the library floor, and she shook her head with bewilderment. “First you make an internal combustion engine overnight, and then you… just, wow. Wow.”

The compliment filled Pinkie with joy. She giggled like a school filly who’d just gotten out on their first day of summer break.

“Aww, thanks, Twi!” To Twilight’s chagrin, she zipped forward and gave her another hug. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie was more careful not to injure her, but the embrace still reignited the twinge of pain in Twilight’s shoulder enough to make her wince. “But to be honest, I had no idea the Candy Van would end up being this good! In fact…”

She let go of Twilight again and stepped back, peering at the floor as she entered a state of deep thought. Next to them both, Spike was making a candy angel. “Hmm. I wonder…You know, if the Candy Van was this successful in Ponyville, then maybe...then…”

Slowly but surely, a devious, plotting grin began to work its way onto her lips. Pinkie Pie’s muddled brain was making connections, forming ideas, hatching new grand schemes at a rapid pace. Twilight took a step back, eyeing Pinkie warily; when the party pony was in this state of mind, it was unclear whether she should be anxious, or scared. Or both.

“If I could get so many ponies from Ponyville hooked on our candy, then…” She gasped, smacking her hoof over her mouth to muffle a squeal of joy that bubbled up out of her throat. “Ohmigosh, Twilight! I think I just came up with the best idea ever! AAAAGH!”

Twilight flinched, covering her ringing ears with her hoof. Seeing her friend back in such a euphoric state, she stepped back once more for good measure. “What’s… what now, Pinkie…”

Pinkie rushed over to the mound of sweets and snatched a hoof full. She waved it around her head, pointing all around the room in random directions. “If I could get Ponyville this gaga over our new candy, then imagine how gaga I could make the..." She paused for dramatic effect. "...rest of Equestria!”

At this statement, Twilight’s pupils dilated. Already, she could tell that Pinkie was getting a little too caught up in the moment, letting her high energy and impulsive thoughts get the best of her…

“Umm… the rest of Equestria? No offense, Pinkie, but don’t you think that might be going a bit too far? Like, maybe just a teeny tiny bit carried aw—” she tried to point out, but before she could finish the sentence, Pinkie started going off again.

“Oh my gosh! I could go and sell candy all the way over in Fillydelphia, or Manehattan, or…” Pinkie spun around in circles, rattling off the names of city after city. “Or Las Pegasus, or…”

Twilight raised a hoof like a student in a classroom. “Wait a minute, Pinkie… Now, I know this whole ‘Candy Van’ thing worked out really well in Ponyville, but…”

“…Or Baltimare, or…”

“…do you think that it would really be such a good idea to go to, you know, other cities…”

Pinkie was hardly listening. “Or down south to Appleoosa, or maybe all the way up north to Vanhoover! Or…”

“Because ponies around here know you pretty well, but over in those other places, not so much. And…”

Still spinning around. “Or maybe even in Cloudsdale! Or… on second thought, maybe not Cloudsdale…”

“…they might think you are, well, you know…” Twilight paused, trying to find a way to phrase what she was about to say without sounding mean. “…a predator?”

Pinkie suddenly ground to a halt, hooves making little skid marks over the wooden floor. She gave Twilight an incredulous stare.
“What! A predator?” Pinkie snorted. “I don’t hunt down cute little animals and eat them for food! Why would anypony even think I… what the hay are your talking about, Twi?”

Twilight smacked herself in the forehead, leaving behind a red mark. “Oh, Pinkie… I’m not talking about THAT kind of—gah.” She breathed deeply. “I’m talking about the other kind. You know, not the kind that hunts down animals, but… I guess… ponies?”

The room was silent except for the perpetual crunching sound of Spike continuing to devour his rock candy. Pinkie Pie’s expression slowly went from confused, to hurt, to peeved, all in the span of a few seconds as Twilight’s explanation resonated with her. Her mouth gaped open with appalled shock.

“W-What do you…” Pinkie’s lips curled down into a grimace, an odd balance between hurt and anger. “Why would anypony think that? Are you saying ponies think that I’m some kind of psycho-bonkers crazy cannibal stlaker pony?” Her voice made a drastic rise in pitch and volume. “How could you?”

“No, no!” Twilight shook her head fiercely; she hadn’t expected everything to go downhill so fast. “I know you’re not, and so does everypony else in Ponyville, because we know you! But what about the other places where ponies d—”

“I’m gonna take the Candy Van to Manehattan, and you’re not gonna stop me!” Pinkie cried. She whirled around and bolted back out the door, leaving behind two rivers of tears in her wake. Twilight started forward, calling out after her.

“Wait, Pinkie! Come ba—” The door slammed shut, and the clopping of Pinkie’s galloping hooves over the road faded away. Twilight came to halt at the closed door. She closed her eyes and sighed.

“Oh no… I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well…”

The interrogation room was cold.

Pinkie Pie sat at the edge of her chair on one side of a long table, slumped over with her forelegs crossed over her chest. She shivered.
“Um… hello?” She called out to the empty room. Her cries reverberated around it, the echoes being the only reply she received. “Is there anypony that can tell me what the hay is going on?”

As if on cue, Pinkie could hear the distant yet distinct sound of somepony approaching from down the hall. Her ears twitched, angling themselves toward the sound like satellite dishes to listen more carefully. Just as she thought; the hoofsteps were getting nearer.

“Oh, thank Celestia!” she exclaimed. “I was wondering when somepony would come by…”

The hoofsteps drew closer and closer until Pinkie could hear them right outside the room. The hinges creaked, the round knob rattled, and the door swung open. A tall earth pony stallion dressed in a blue-collared police jacket and decorated with a shiny badge entered the room. He toted a clipboard and pen in his left hoof, and the look he gave Pinkie was one of utter disgust.

Pinkie, as usual, did not seem to notice. Her face beamed brightly at the Manehattan officer. “Oh, hi, Mr. police-pony! Can I ask wh—”

“Silence, criminal scum,” the officer spat. This silenced Pinkie immediately, and her cheerful demeanor at finally seeing another pony withered away. She slid down in her chair.

“Oh… sorry,” she muttered under her breath. The police stallion sat in a chair across the table from her and slapped the clipboard on top of it with a loud thwap.

“You want to know something?” he began. “It really makes me feel sick to my stomach to know that ponies like you exist in this world.”

This statement hung in the air between them like a noose. Pinkie wilted like a rose left out in the cold, ears folding back on her head and hair flattening considerably. Why was he being so mean to her?

“Umm… Wh-why is that, mister?” she inquired politely. The officer glared at her, shaking his head with disgust.

“You know perfectly well why you’re here,” he growled. “Mind telling me why you were driving that… that… whatever the hay it was, all around the city?”

His question was asked in a way that suggested he already knew the answer. Pinkie did not have to think very long for a reply, giving it as enthusiastically as she could considering her current circumstances.

“Oh, the Candy Van?” she asked rhetorically. “Oh, that’s a super interesting story! You see, I work at this place called Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville, and I wanted to go out and sell a bunch of our brand new candy to ponies from all around, well, everywhere! So I came here with my Candy Van and offered people free samples so that they’d want to buy a bunch more and I could make lotsa money!”

As she told her story, the officer scribbled notes down on his clipboard, making the occasional nod and ‘uh-huh’ in reply. When he was done, he set the board back down and folded his forelegs over his chest.

“Mm hm. Mm hm.” He nodded his head. “Okay. So now that you’ve told me your fake story, would you mind telling me what you were really doing?”

Pinkie Pie cocked her head. “What? That wasn’t fake!”

He ignored her. “You sure it wasn’t because of something else? Like, oh, I dunno, looking for unsuspecting ponies to prey on by luring them to your special contraption of lies?”

“What!?” Pinkie was floored by the accusation. “Of course not! I just… I just wanted to give out candy, a-and maybe make some more money for Sugarcube Corner, and…”

He interrupted her again. “So, is that what you wanted to do to that poor little colt? The one you chased two blocks down the road?”

Pinkie Pie shook her head adamantly. “No! I mean, yes, I mean…

“Hi there! You look like a nice colt! What’s your name?”

Pinkie was leaning out the window of the van, casually draping her foreleg out of the vehicle and staring down at a small colt standing a few steps away from the van’s front door. The fear on his face was very much apparent, but Pinkie mistook it for shyness. She smiled widely at him.

“My name’s Pinkie Pie!” she said to initiate the conversation. The colt didn’t look up from the asphalt, taking a couple of steps away from the Candy Van and making no reply. Pinkie Pie frowned. “What’s the matter?”

He stepped further away. “N-Nothing…”

Pinkie Pie, however, knew that something was amiss, and she was determined to spread some joy. She leaned further out of the van.
“I’m here giving free samples and trying to sell candy from Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville, but since you’re lookin’ so gloomy and sad, I think I’ll just give you a whole bunch for free!” she offered, gesturing clearly to the words ‘FREE CANDY’ written in white paint on the side. “You want some? I got all different kinds!”

The colt shook his head. “No, I… I don’t want any…”

“What?” Pinkie said in disbelief. “A kid that doesn’t want free candy? Say whaaaaaat?”

He nodded his head once, slinking away with his eyes glancing over his shoulder with apprehension. “Can you… go a-away, p-please?”

Pinkie Pie took another long look at the retreating foal, who was slowly putting distance between himself and the Candy Van. She could see the tears forming in his eyes and the way he walked with his head down low, and knew what she had to do. With a sympathetic pout, she asked him one more question.

“Does somepony need Pinkie Pie to give them a hug?”

“…And then he started crying and running away, so I thought, “Oh, he looks so sad,’ so I tried to follow him and cheer him up! That’s all!”

The police stallion was wholly unconvinced. He scribbled some more notes on the clipboard and then stood back up.

“Likely story. We’ll just see how it holds up in court.” He slid the chair back under the table. “You sicken me.”

Pinkie’s pupils expanded to the size of dinner plates. The word ‘court’ caused her mane and tail to flatten out even more, and she hung her head in defeat. He seemed happy with her misery.

“I hope you rot in prison, criminal scum…” He opened up the door.

And, to the surprise of them both, two more ponies entered the room. The Manehattan officer’s light blue fur blanched white, and he found himself dropping to his front knees. Pinkie’s hair, on the other hand, poofed back up to its usual cotton-candy consistency.

“Oh, I-I, uh…” He bowed his head down low and did not dare look up. “Your Highness…”

“Hello, officer,” Princess Celestia addressed him, exchanging glances with Twilight Sparkle, who was at her side. She also looked over to Pinkie Pie, who was so relieved that she looked ready to cry. “Hello, Pinkie Pie.”

The police stallion, shocked to hear the Princess address his suspect by name, whirled his head around to look at her. His jaw lay slack.

“Sh-She, you… you know the…” he stammered. Princess Celestia stepped forward and smiled at him while Twilight shot Pinkie an “I told you so” glare from across the room.

“She does, indeed,” answered Celestia. “Now, I have been summoned here to settle what appears to be a vast misunderstanding. And while I do understand the reasons why you have already pursued corrective action with Pinkie here, I can assure you with absolute certainty that this mare’s activities today were not made with any sort of bad intent, criminal or otherwise. Therefore,” she said, pausing to take a short breath, “I must ask that you allow her to leave immediately, on the orders of the Manehattan police chief, and on my own request as Princess of the Sun.”

No more welcome words could have spoken. Pinkie wanted to leap up and down for joy at her unexpected salvation, but she wisely held her seat. The Manehattan officer dared to look up at Celestia, and then back over to Pinkie. And then back up to Celestia.

He nodded.

“Of… of course, Your Highness. I-I….” He got up from the floor and gave Celestia a quick salute. “I apologize greatly, I was unaware of your acquaintance with this mare…”

“That is quite alright. You were only doing your job,” said Celestia. “You are free to go, my little pony.”

While the furrowing of his brow at her calling him “my little pony” indicated his displeasure with it, he nonetheless decided not to make his feeling known to the thousands-year old deity of the sun. He bowed one last time and left the room, brushing past Twilight and giving her a nod of respect as well before the door closed shut behind them.

Pinkie Pie, with the mean police stallion now gone, could no longer contain her excitement. She jumped up from her chair and zipped over to the two Princesses in a pink blur, grabbing them both and pulling them into a group hug. Neither of them was fast enough to react, allowing Pinkie to do her thing.

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you both so much! Thank you!” She squeezed them tightly around the bases of their necks. “Oh my gosh, I thought I was never going to see anypony ever again or go to jail forever and ever, or…”

“Hold on! Calm down, Pinkie,” Twilight chuckled. “Everything’s fine now…”

“But how did you guys know where to look? And what about you, Princess?” Pinkie let go of them and scooted back a few paces. “How’d you know I was here? Did Twilight send you a letter or something?”

Princess Celestia grinned, secretly thankful that the hug was over. “Indeed. She requested that I accompany her to Manehattan because she suspected that one of her friends was in trouble. That friend being you. And,” she said, clearing her throat, “she was correct.”

Twilight nodded. “I felt like I had to bring in the big guns, just in case you were… you know… here. We managed to persuade the police chief to let you go.”

Pinkie Pie listened to them both, but with each word, she started to look more and more ashamed. She looked away from them, tracing a circle on the floor.

“Heheh, yeah… I, uh…” Pinkie took some time to form the right words to say. “…I guess I probably should’ve listened to you, Twilight. I’m really sorry…”

Twilight shrugged it off, stepping forward to place a hoof around Pinkie’s shoulders. “It’s alright, Pinkie. As long as you know now the importance of stranger danger and not making others think you’re a crazy psycho-pony, then I think you’ll be okay.”

Princess Celestia watched them both from a short distance. She smiled fondly. “It was nice to see you both again, even if our meeting had to be in rather… less desirable circumstances. Unfortunately, I have other matters that I must attend to, so I will leave you two be.” She headed for the door. “I will send for a chariot to take you two back home to Ponyville, if that is what you would prefer.”

Twilight was about to agree to the chariot, but Pinkie spoke first. “Oh, no no. We don’t need a chariot when I still have the Candy Van!” she shouted enthusiastically.

Hearing her response made Princess Celestia chuckle; it was just Pinkie’s antics as usual. She opened the door with a glow of her horn and took one step out.

“Well, alright then. I hope to see you both soon.” She waved them goodbye. Twilight and Pinkie Pie waved back, and the door closed shut with a click. Twilight took a step away from her friend and laughed.

“Goodness gracious, Pinkie. It was a good thing I was able to get Princess Celestia, huh?” She shook her head. “Otherwise, this could’ve been pretty bad, am I right?”

Pinkie agreed. “Yeah… I guess you were right about everything. I probably shoulda been more careful about… uh oh.”

The sudden cutoff was unexpected, and to Twilight, it was very worrisome. “What?”

Pinkie giggled. Over the years, Twilight had come to know that this sort of giggle spelled trouble. She narrowed her eyes.

“Hey, Twilight… do you think you could go get Celestia real quick? I think the Candy Van got impounded by the police…”

They got back very late that night. The Candy Van had been parked out back, partially hidden from sight, and the two of them went their separate ways home.

Now, Pinkie was in the comfort and safety of her own bed, far far away from the threat of a jail cell. She sat upright against the pillows, a big book lying on the covers in front of her and a quill held in her mouth. She was having trouble keeping her eyelids from drooping, but she managed to keep herself conscious long enough to write one thing onto the empty page of the big book.

Dear journal, or diary, or whatever I should call you,

I know I should probably write some kind of a valuable lesson or something that I learned in here, but I'm really tired right now, so I'm just gonna boil it down to one thing. As long as you remember this one thing, I promise you will be A-okay.

Adderall? It's some pretty crazy stuff.

Author's Note

Welp, this is just another one of my sillier stories that I hope will be a nice change of pace from some of my other more depressing stuff. Hopefully, it wasn't too long or too unfunny to keep people's attention, but if I failed, then... oh well. I did put forth my best effort, but we shall see if I succeeded.

Hope you all enjoyed!

~Arwhale