What happens when Sunbutt hogs the Royal Chariot
A thick fog rolled across the forest floor of the Everfree, bathing the ground in a blanket of invisibility. The creatures which inhabited the dark forest were in hiding as it was daytime, though the forest’s thick canopy overhead barred any sunlight from shining through.
All around was a deathly silence that was more eerie than any echoing scream one could hear sounding through Ghastly Gorge on a moonlit night, when the ghosts of lost travelers relived their final moments of life for all eternity. The silence permeated the forest air, not one shred of sound escaping throu-
Clop Clop Clop Clop
“Hurry, fair Cadence! Princess Twilight Sparkle awaits at Everfree Castle, and we mustn’t be late for her housewarming party!”
“I know! I know! Keep your horseshoes on!”
(We apologize for the fault in historical accuracy. The author responsible has been sacked.)
"At least I am wearing some, unlike a certain princess of love. I mean, for goodness' sake Cadence, that incessant clopping is grating my hearing.”
“Y’all wanna see cloppin’? Well, how’s 'bout I take ya back ta mah place an’ show ya how a REAL mare ge-“
(We apologize now for the lack of professionalism. The author responsible has also been sacked.) "Good riddance, too. Hey-HEY! Get away from that thing!"
“And what’s wrong with clopping, huh?”
“Nothing is inherently wrong with clopping; ponies do it all the time.”
~~"That’s what she said."~~ "-URK!"
"Enough of that! We're supposed to be transcribing the story exactly as it unfolds for the readers."
"Says who?"
"Says them."
"Who's 'them'?"
"The hands that feed us."
"Wait, since when do we get paid to do this?"
"Are you all really that stu-"
“Umm, what are you doing?”
The group of majestic moose, minus one laying dazed on the ground by their hooves, turned from their strange, box-shaped device toward the two princesses, who were staring at them with mixed looks of confusion and sheepishness. A momentary silence passed between the two groups before the moose all went into a panic and began stampeding back into the forest. The dazed moose, stirred awake by the noise, slowly got up with a swagger in his step, quickly spying the two princesses.
“I regret nothing!” he shouted, and galloped away after his comrades.
Both princesses stared at the retreating moose' figures until they were out of sight, their faces completely blank.
“Oooo-kay,” Cadence said, finally recomposing herself. She turned back to Luna. “Anyway, you were saying?”
“Hmm? Oh, right.” Luna lifted the sword she was carrying and pointed it to Cadence’s hooves. “The clopping sound you make is grating my ears; please keep it to a minimum.”
Cadence scowled. “You know, it’d be no problem at all if you agreed to let me carry the sword so I could fly, instead of having to carry all this stuff for Twilight’s housewarming party.” Cadence readjusted her hold on the mountain of stuff she carried. The sounds of expensive china and silverware could be heard jingling around inside, including at least one cracking of glass.
“Nae, fair Cadence,” Luna replied, shaking her head in disapproval, “you are not trained well enough to wield a sword, let alone use it effectively against an enemy.” Luna did a few twirls with the sword in the air. “Only a truly experienced warrior can wield a weapon of such power and speed without risking harm to themselves or their charges. Between the two of us, I am the more experienced, so I shall wield the sword and guard against whatever evils try to bring harm onto you.”
Cadence fumed in response. “I helped Twilight defeat a GIANT. FREAKING. WORM!!!”
“So I’m told,” Luna replied, disinterested. “However, quick reflexes take precedence over magical might in the Everfree, where creatures can leap out at you with no warning and leave no time for you to prepare a defensive spell.” She lifted the sword up and over her head in a show of might. “Only this you can trust with your life.”
Cadence frowned. “I’ll have you know that Shining has taught me a lot about swo-EEK!” The princess of love was interrupted by a coconut smashing upon the ground at her hooves. They both looked up to see a swallow sitting on a branch, giggling.
“You insolent bird!” Luna screamed. “What makes you think you can just drop a coconut down upon a couple of passing princesses such as us?"
The swallow responded with an obscene gesture.
“THAT’S IT, TAKE THIS!!!” Luna shouted before lunging her sword at the bird. The swallow quickly took to the air, easily avoiding the moon princess’ attack. The bird blew raspberries at them while it flew up and out of sight through the forest canopy. Luna retrieved her sword and brought it back to her side.
“Bloody pheasant,” she muttered.
She stood glaring at the spot where the bird disappeared before turning her gaze back to Cadence, who had unclipped her pack and was holding out her hoof with a deadpan expression.
Luna frowned. “What?”
“Give me the sword,” Cadence said, her tone one of finality.
“What!? Why?”
“You couldn’t even strike down a measly Stirropean swallow. I know for a fact that-”
“Zebrican.”
Cadence tilted her head in confusion. “Pardon?”
“That was a Zebrican swallow. Stirropean swallows cannot lift a one pound coconut for even a second, much less carry it halfway around the world from the tropics. Zebrican swallows, however, are strong enough.” Luna smiled. “Did you know that Stirropean swallows are migra-”
“Just give me the sword!”
Luna smiled mischievously. “You’ll have to catch me first.” She then took off down the path while laughing uproariously.
“Luna!” Cadence shouted, her face bearing a look of both annoyance and frustration. She used her magic to lift the pack onto her back again and followed after the moon princess.
“Catch me if you can!” Luna called from up ahead.
Cadence growled, and picked her pace up from a gait to a gallop. The weight of the pack slowed her down significantly, but she was still able to run fast enough to make the trees look like blurs as she passed by them. She passed around a couple of bends before spotting Luna standing in front of a tree, back turned to her, looking around it into the adjacent clearing.
Cadence closed the distance between them and pulled up next to Luna. “I would’ve thought you were-”
Once again, the love princess was cut off, this time by Luna throwing a hoof over her mouth. “Quiet, fair Cadence, for trouble is upon us.” She removed her hoof and pointed it into the clearing.
Cadence followed its direction and saw a most perplexing sight. Standing in the clearing was a tall bipedal creature holding a sword of its own, the tip stuck in the dirt as it held onto the grip with its five-digit hands. It was donned in a cylindrical metal helmet with rivets lining the edges, and wore a garb consisting entirely of black clothing, the only exception being the red boar’s head on its shirt.
The creature stood stock still, not moving whatsoever and giving no indication it was aware of the princess’ presence. Cadence and Luna looked at one another with equally confused expressions upon realizing what the creature was.
“What’s a human doing here in the Everfree Forest?” Cadence asked.
“I’m not sure,” Luna replied. She looked back to the bipedal knight, who remained unmoving. “A more important question would be why one is even around period. After all, humans exist only in fiction.”
“Indeed they do,” Cadence agreed. “Perhaps somepony is playing a joke on us.”
“Perhaps,” Luna mused. “Let's wait and see if it should do anything.”
“Okay,” Cadence replied, nodding.
The two mares spent the next few minutes staring at the human, waiting to see if it would do anything. Eventually, and with not a single movement from the non-existential creature, they both gave up.
“I tire of waiting,” Luna groaned. She lifted the sword to her side. “Time for ‘Plan B’ as it's called.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Cadence replied, and clutched the sword in her own magic. “Let me take care of this.”
Luna turned to the love princess with a frown. “Nae, fair Cadence; leave this to me.”
“For the last time, Luna, I’m perfectly capable of holding my own against anything that wishes me harm.”
“This is not about whether you can or cannot hold your own, Cadence. I am your escort, so it is my duty to see that you remain unharmed.”
Cadence opened her mouth to argue, but couldn’t think of anything to say so she closed it. She tried again, and failed to say anything a second time. Or the third time. And the fourth. Then the fifth. The sixth time she was about to say something regarding why she kept losing her thoughts before she lost that thought as well. She finally managed to speak on the seventh try.
“Fine, but I’m telling you that I could handle it myself.”
Luna smiled coyly. “Sure you could.” She stepped out from behind the tree and began approaching the enigmatic human. Cadence just rolled her eyes and followed.
The knight did and said nothing as they approached. It stayed still as a statue, though for all the two mares knew it could’ve been sizing them up behind its helmet. Luna kept a serene smile all the while she walked, while Cadence was visibly very agitated, both at the human and Luna’s underestimation of her stature.
Luna stopped just a sword’s length away from the human, with Cadence stopping right behind her.
“You are quite a sight to behold, creature of fiction,” she said, trying to come off as pleasant-sounding as possible.
The human said nothing in response, nor did it move in the slightest.
Luna felt unnerved by its unresponsiveness, but she didn’t let it show on her face. She decided to make introductions.
“I am Princess Luna of Equestria,” she said, pointing to herself. She then pointed to the red-faced pink alicorn behind her. “And this is Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire in the Frozen North. We are traversing this vile forest so that we may join Princess Twilight Sparkle at Everfree Castle for her celebration of inheriting it from me and my sister, Princess Celestia.”
The human gave no response still. A bead of sweat trickled down Luna’s face as her fear of uncertainty surrounding it heightened. Cadence, meanwhile, noticed the sweat drop to the ground and rolled her eyes again.
“You’re welcome to accompany us if you seek food and shelter,” Luna offered. "Championed as I'm sure you are in swordplay, the Everfree is quite dangerous for solo travelers."
Yet again the knight made no acknowledgement of either of the two ponies. Cadence was bored by this point and absent-mindedly scuffing her hoof along the ground. Even Luna’s fear had mostly dissipated and her expression was now one of exasperation.
“If you don’t wish to join us, then so be it.” She turned back to Cadence. “Come, fair Cadence; let’s do our best to make up for lost time.”
With a grunt of acknowledgement, Cadence turned and began following Luna around the human, only for them both to be stopped by his sword extending out to block their way. No other part of him moved, however, making the sudden motion all the more unnerving. The two mares shared a surprised look before Luna returned her gaze to the human. “What is the meaning of this, creature of mystery?”
"None shall pass," the human finally said in a masculine monotone.
Luna furrowed her brows in agitation. “Your insolence and disrespect for authority is staggering. Whatever has the Equestrian crown done to provoke this behavior?"
“I move-” The human finally turned so its head was directly facing the two princesses, “-for no man.”
"You idiot! He's addressing a couple of ponies, not humans!
"Crap. Sorry!"
Take #2
“I move-” The human finally turned so its head was directly facing the two princesses, “-for no pony.”
Luna was about to retort when she was suddenly yanked onto the ground behind her by a telekinetic pull. She dropped her sword onto the ground, only for it to be snatched up by a light blue magical aura and lifted into the air. From where she lay on the ground, Luna watched slack-jawed as Cadence, unclipped from the pack which now lay just behind the moon princess, stood tall and proud with a confident smirk etched into her muzzle.
“Think again, buster,” she stated, and readied the sword.
The knight took the first move by swinging his sword in a low arc toward Cadence's hooves, which she expertly dodged and closed in for her own strike at his chest, which he dodged just as well. The knight then attempted an overhead strike upon Cadence's head, only to miss when she casually side-stepped out of his way, and again when the knight attempted to strike again with a horizontal slice to her barrel. She followed up with a twirling spin attack, coming within a hair's length of his chest as he hopped backward. Taking advantage of her momentary loss of coordination, the knight attempted to cleave her side with another horizontal strike, but was surprised when Cadence stopped spinning with her sword positioned right in the way of his own, blocking it. She then followed up with a counter attack using the hilt of her sword, slamming it into the knight's helmet with a resounding clang. He staggered around for a moment, dazed, before reorienting himself and closing in for another attack.
All the while, Luna watched the battle with interest. She could see that Cadence was more skilled with a sword than she’d previously believed. Watching the human knight’s movements, however, Luna couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss. For one thing, despite the sword being of the same type as Luna’s which she knew to be exceptionally lightweight, the human had to use both of its hands when swinging it. What also struck her as odd was that with every other swing the human performed, it would bend its body hard over in the corresponding direction of the swipe, rather than keep itself upright and facing toward Cadence. To Luna, it seemed almost as if . . .
She flinched in surprise when she saw Cadence cleanly slice off one of the human’s arms with a light slash of her sword. The arm fell to the ground and blood began squirting out the hole where it was once connected to the knight’s shoulder. Instantly, Luna realized what was going on and began scanning the immediate area with a scowl.
Never would I have thought . . .
“Now stand aside, creature of fiction,” Cadence proclaimed, believing the fight was hers.
The human looked down at its wound, eyeing the now-empty space where his arm just was, his expression unknown behind his helmet. Finally, he just shrugged and lunged forward, taking Cadence by surprise and only giving her a hair's breadth of time to dodge.
You're bucking kidding me, she thought as she readied herself for another round. What in Tartarus is this thing?
Now with only one hand, the human proceeded to clumsily strike at Cadence, only for her to easily block each of his attempts. The human repeated his futile assault for a few moments before Cadence side-stepped and sliced the knight’s other arm clean off. It too fell to the ground, still gripping the sword, and blood began oozing from the wound where it was once connected to the human’s shoulder.
“The fight is mine!” Cadence proudly proclaimed. She then turned back to Luna. “Well, well, well, looks like I-Oomph.”
Cadence was interrupted by the human knight’s boot making contact with her head. She fell over sideways and clutched at the spot where she'd been hit before looking up incredulously at the knight, who was shuffling back and forth on his feet like a boxer. Oh for the love of . . . She got back up onto her hooves and picked the sword back up with her magic. “Look you stupid *This word has been bleeped due to inability to pay the required swearing tax.*, you've got no chance of winning!”
“Yes I have!”
“Not without any arms!”
The knight proceeded to kick Cadence’s rump.
Did he just . . .?
Another kick. “Chicken!” And another. “Chicken!”
“ACHOO!”
“Bless you, Scootaloo.”
“Thanks dad.”
The human knight continued his assault on the pink princess, kicking every inch of her body that he could reach with his boot while chanting foalish insults at her. Cadence, meanwhile, could only hold her head low as she remained fixed in place, moving only slightly in response to the knight's kicks. Her mind had shut down at the absurdity of the situation, to which a hidden part of her psyche began to emerge and take shape in her conscience. It demanded that she calmly, politely annihilate the human for daring to so much as touch her rump.
Finally, she managed to reign in her stupor enough to speak. “You’re a lunatic,” she stated while a sweet, happy smile crossed her mouth. "I mean, you've got no sword, or arms with which to use one, and you're hopping around reduced to lightly kicking me without even a shot of inflicting so much as a modicum of damage, and yet you still think you're going to win this duel."
“The Black Knight always triumphs!” Another kick, this time to the chest.
"I'm sure you do," Cadence said sweetly, before slicing both of the Black Knight's legs off with one swift swipe of her sword. The severed limbs joined their arm brothers on the ground in a bloody mess while the Black Knight's now limbless torso fell to the earth. It stood upon the ground, completely immobile, while the head continued to turn around in inspection of its inescapable predicament. Eventually, it became still as a statue, then fell forward onto the ground with a soft thud.
The Black Knight had fallen.
Cadence breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to Luna. “Alright Luna, we can go no-what the heck?”
Luna was standing a few dozen meters away in front of a bush just off the path, but that isn’t what confused the love princess. What confused her was the very sheepish faces of both her sister-in-law, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and the reformed spirit of chaos, Discord, of whom both were suspended in Luna’s magic aura. The moon princess wore a deadpan expression as she returned Cadence’s gaze.
“What is this, Luna?” Cadence asked, confused.
Luna sighed, and rubbed the bridge of her muzzle. “These two have been playing us for fools.”
Cadence tilted her head. “Beg pardon?”
Discord pulled a microphone from behind his back. “We’ll call it a draw,” he said sheepishly into the microphone. To Cadence’s shock the same words, though with a different voice, sounded from the Black Knight’s helmet. She dropped the sword and used her magic to remove the helmet from the slain knight. She was yet again shocked to see that there was no head underneath the helmet. Instead, a fancy microphone-like device stuck out from the neck cavity.
“The Black Knight is nothing more than a headless human flesh puppet outfitted with a voice-altering device,” Luna explained. She glared at the two terrified individuals held in her magic. “Would you care to explain what the meaning behind this tomfoolery was?”
Twilight and Discord looked at each other for a moment, then immediately pointed at the other. “It was their idea!” they shouted in unison.
Luna sighed, again, and rubbed the bridge of her muzzle, again. She released her magic hold on them, letting them both drop to the ground with a hard thud each. The draconequus and the alicorn took a moment to right themselves and stand up straight as Cadence approached.
“Why do this, Twilight?” she asked, looking solemnly at her sister-in-law.
The lavender alicorn was about to reply when Discord spoke up.
“Well, I can see this is a princess-centric affair, so I’ll just be on my way.” Discord stood up to his full height. “See you at the housewarming party!” And with a snap of his talon, Discord was gone in a flash of yellow light.
All three princesses stared for a moment at the spot where he was before Luna and Cadence turned back to Twilight, and she to them. Twilight scuffled her hoof across the ground rather sheepishly, her face tomato-red.
“Well?” Luna said, urging her to speak.
Twilight sighed. “I was looking to build a genuine friendship with Discord. Celestia's been telling me if I want to live up to my reputation as the Princess of Friendship, I need to be willing to extend the olive branch to everyone, including him.” She pointed at the ruined human flesh puppet. “We got the idea to bond with each other over pranking other ponies. Needless to say, it didn’t turn out so well.” She looked back up at Cadence and Luna with sad, pleading eyes. “Can you two forgive me?”
The love and moon princesses shared a look, then smirked as they both had the same thought. Luna returned her gaze to Twilight. “Perhaps we can, Twilight Sparkle, but you still endangered the lives of two royals. Such an action will come with some repercussions.”
Twilight’s eyes went wide as she imagined all the heinous things that could happen to her for what she did. “L-l-like w-w-what?” she stammered.
Both Cadence and Luna smiled mischievously.
“You know what, Cadence?” Luna asked her.
“What, Luna?” Cadence replied.
“The Everfree looks truly splendid from this height.”
“That it does, Luna; that it does.”
Both princesses shared a hearty laugh for a few moments. Afterwards, Luna leaned over the side of the mountain of stuff they sat upon. “How are you holding up down there, Princess Twilight?” she asked.
Twilight Sparkle, trudging onward through the pain of carrying seventy pounds worth of gear as well as both princesses with her (severely underutilized) earth pony strength, choked out an answer.
“I’m . . . just . . . peachy.”
“Good to know,” Luna replied, and resettled in her seat.
“You know what I like to sing at times like this?” Cadence asked.
“What?” Luna replied.
Cadence smiled a smile so evil it would make King Sombra blush. “The Song . . . of Ni!”
Twilight’s eyes widened in absolute horror. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
