Hug Club

by Lion

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1324

First Rule of Hug Club: Do not talk about Hug Club.

While hanging out at a bar, Twilight mentions that she's never heard the story of how AJ and Pinkie met. At Pinkie's insistence, AJ tells her the story.

Inspired by Fight Club (Obviously) and the net_work sketch "Write Club."

(Mostly) Preread by SleepIsforTheWeak.

Cover Art by Stupid Little Creature.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-29 18:20:03 UTC

Ponies are always asking me if I know Pinkamena Diane Pie...

“... And then I said, ‘Oatmeal!? Are you cra–”

“We’ve heard this story before, Pinkie,” Applejack chuckled as she sipped her beer.

“Oh. Right,” Pinkie nodded.

Twilight laughed aloud. “Still, it’s funny every time.”

“I can tell another story,” Pinkie giggled. “Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time me and Fluttershy climbed to the top of a big, scary mountain and saved Equestria from a napping dragon who was covering the entire land in smoke?”

Applejack and Twilight shared a look.

“Uh, we were there for that, Pinks,” Applejack said slowly, placing her hoof on her friend’s shoulder.

“Oh… Right,” Pinkie said, tapping a hoof to her chin. “I guess when you’ve been friends as long as we all have, you run out of new stories to tell, huh?”

Applejack smiled. “Eh, I guess so.”

“I gotta use the bathroom, BRB!” Pinkie chirped suddenly, bouncing away from the bar.

Applejack and Twilight watched her go and turned back to their drinks.

“Actually,” Twilight said slowly, “there is one story I know I’ve never heard.”

“Yeah? What’s that?” Applejack asked.

“I’ve never heard how you and Pinkie met,” Twilight said.

Applejack put her glass down and cocked her head. “Uh… Really?”

“Really,” Twilight nodded.

“Oh, well, you sure you want to hear it? It’s not all that special,” Applejack said.

“I’m back!” Pinkie cheered as she reappeared in her seat next to Applejack. “What did I miss?”

“Applejack was just about to tell me how you two met,” Twilight said before sipping her beer.

“Oh, that’s a great story!” Pinkie smiled. “Applejack’s house had just exploded, and–”

Twilight spat out her mouthful of beer. “What!? Sweet Apple Acres exploded?”

“Not the whole acres, just the house,” Applejack corrected.

“Tell her the story, AJ! You tell it better than I do,” Pinkie said smiling.

Applejack sighed. “Alright… So, my house had just exploded…”

“Sambucka rocks,” the pink pony said as she stepped up next to me at the bar.

I giggled and she looked at me.

“Something funny?”

I shook my head. “We ordered the exact same drink,” I said.

“What do you know,” she muttered.

I took a sip from my glass and sighed.

“Pinkie.”

“Huh?” I asked.

“My name. Pinkie Pie.”

“Oh. I’m, uh, Applejack,” I said. She nodded and took her drink from the bartender.

I took another sip of liquor and sighed. “So, what do you do, Pinkie Pie?”

“Why? So you can pretend to be interested?” She snorted, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I just… Nevermind,” I said.

For a moment I thought the conversation was over, so I turned back to my drink and tried to think of what I’d do next.

“Rocks.”

“Pardon?” I asked.

“Rocks. I farm and sell rocks.”

I furrowed my brow. “You farm… rocks?”

Pinkie pulled a small black case out of her saddlebag and placed it on the bar, opening it so I could see the contents. Four shiny black rocks stared back at me.

“Did you know Surehoof Needlestone once stacked 600 perfectly round rocks in under a minute?” Pinkie asked, face completely blank.

I blinked. “Is that even possible?”

Pinkie paused, then grinned and shut the case. “It is if you know what you’re doing.”

“I guess I should find a motel,” I said as we stood outside the bar.

Pinkie snorted.

“What?”

“Just ask,” she said.

“Just ask what?”

Pinkie looked at me, then rolled her eyes. “If you need a place to stay, just ask,” she said.

I rolled my tongue across my teeth. “Can I stay at your place?”

“Of course,” she said.

I smiled, even if I wasn’t sure yet entirely why.

“Just one thing I want you to do for me first,” Pinkie said.

“Sure, what?” I asked.

Pinkie took off her sunglasses and folded them into her saddlebag. “Hug me.”

“What?”

“C’mon, hug me.”

“You want me to… hug you?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I dunno, ‘cos I’ve never been in a hug before.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I scoffed.

“Look, how well can you know yourself if you’ve never been in a hug? I don’t wanna die without any scars,” Pinkie said as she took two beers out of her saddlebags and placed them on the sidewalk.

I frowned. “You don’t get scars from a–”

“Stop thinking about it and hug me.”

“... This is crazy,” I said, and I was right; It was crazy. Somehow, though, crazy as it was to just start hugging someone I barely even knew, I wanted to do it.

I took a step forward and Pinkie raised a hoof. “Wait,” she said.

I held my breath as I watched the gears turn inside her head.

“Okay,” she said, lowering her hoof.

I lurched forward and wrapped my legs around her, resting my chin in the crook of her neck.

Pinkie giggled. “This is totally awkward,” she said.

I pulled back. “I’m sorry, I messed it up,” I shrugged.

Pinkie stopped giggling and smirked, then was upon me like lightning. I felt her hooves snake around my back, her chest pressing against mine, and I think she even sniffed my mane a little.

It felt good.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Uhhh… That’s how you two met? Really?”

Applejack shrugged. “I told you it wasn’t that great a story.”

Pinkie laughed. “Tell her the rest, Applejack!”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Fine, fine…”

I am Applejack’s quickly dissolving sense of personal space. Once we started we just couldn’t stop. Days turned into nights just as our hugs ran together. Soon we were hugging every night outside the bar. It didn’t take long before ponies wanted to join us.

Each week, Pinkie would announce the rules she and I decided.

“Ponies, welcome to hug club. The first rule of hug club is: you do not talk about hug club,” Pinkie Pie said as she strode across the room. “The second rule of hug club is, you do not. Talk. About hug club!”

The assembled ponies nodded mutely. Pinkie turned on her hoof and smirked before resuming. “Third rule of hug club: if someone says "stop" or the things get awkward, the hug is over. Fourth rule, only two ponies to a hug. Fifth rule? One hug at a time, ponies."

A small wave of laughter passed through the room.

"Sixth rule! No saddles, no horseshoes. Seventh rule! Hugs will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first night at hug club..." The crowd hardly breathed as Pinkie glanced from face to face, a devious grin playing across her lips.

"... You have to hug.”

Applejack and Pinkie shared a relaxed look, each leaning back on their bar stools as they enjoyed the memories. When neither made any effort to continue the story, Twilight leaned towards them. “So, what happened next?”

“Me and Pinks became friends, and two weeks later you moved to town,” Applejack said, finishing her beer in a single gulp. Pinkie nodded enthusiastically, wobbling slightly from side to side.

Twilight blinked. “But… what happened to Hug Club?”

Applejack chuckled. “Actually, we got sued, by the producers of Fight Club. So isn’t that the kicker there?”

Pinkie laughed uproariously, banging her hoof on the bar. Applejack got out of her stool and pulled the pink mare’s leg over her shoulder. “I should get Pinks home,” she said, helping her friend get to her hooves. “Looks like she’s pretty far under the influence,” she laughed.

“Wait… what?” Twilight finally asked, trying to make sense of what she’d just been told.

“I’ll call you tomorrow Twi, maybe we can get lunch,” Applejack said as she headed for the door, Pinkie’s head lolling to either side as she continued giggling madly.

Twilight watched her friends go and turned back to her beer.

It was empty.

She ordered two more.